Couples Therapy – Separately by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

Couples Therapy – Separately

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

In theory, I should not do couples therapy separately.

When one person in a couple goes to individual therapy, the divorce rate goes up.

Why would that be?

Because the individual therapist is not a “couples” therapist.

That is, a person trained in systems thinking understands that when it comes to “what really happened” there is absolutely no way to access “the truth.” There is only each person’s version.

That systemic training means the therapist is interested in hearing both sides, takes no sides, but has her own view of how to possibly help the “system.”

Where I depart from my systemic colleagues is that I purposely begin with seeing each person separately (after the initial meeting together). More on that below.

But without a systemic orientation, when someone goes to an individual therapist and describes the horrible things that the other person did, it is only natural and human for a non-systemic therapist to be shocked and horrified by those stories – and to encourage divorce.

I’ve had many, many couples come to me saying they were told to get a divorce without even meeting the other person! This is both shocking and grossly bad practice.

Here is just a tiny bit of the fallout of divorce: • Children who feel their loyalties are divided. • Children who don’t have the benefit of the full attention of the parent they’re with because his or her attention is distracted by pain, anger, and confusion, not to mention lawsuits. • Children who don’t believe that conflicts can be repaired or even should be.

• A legacy, therefore, running through the subsequent generations, of avoiding marriage. and then getting divorced if they made the “mistake” of getting married. • Possible other forms of escapism in the parents and children – such as drinking. • A lowered standard of living for each part of the family. • Higher mental health issues for each member of the family.

But the worst eventuality is that the people involved miss the opportunity to heal.

Healing cannot fully take place in a ruptured marriage: The best healing is to witness the huge – and positive – changes that a partner makes in greater sensitivity, awareness, vulnerability, and kindness. Add to that an apology following the Rambam’s recommendations, and the feeling is good.

What the non-systemic therapist (and the majority of systemic therapists) don’t realize (according to Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems) is that who we seem to be when parts of us feel under threat by the other person is not who we really are. The good person that people fell in love with is locked safely inside while our protectors fight with their protectors. In other words, protective parts will become activated to the slightest indication of attack of any kind and that, of course, will lead the other person to react protectively as well.

That means that the horrible behavior we see is a measure of how threatened and frightened the other person feels, not who they are. That is why a systemically trained therapist is not particularly ready to pass judgment on the misbehavior of couples whose marriages are rocky.

Why would psychologists caution against one therapist seeing each person separately?

When I divide up the couple, I violate some of the rules imposed by psychologists which Marriage & Family Therapists see the opposite way.

One rule that psychologists have is that it could be a conflict of interest for a therapist to see both people in a couple separately, especially if the therapy relationship had begun with one person and was going for a while before the other person started. The systemic therapist sees it differently. They recognize tremendous value to learning how the heart and soul of each person “takes” things that are said by the other party.

What I’ve heard is that the therapist may become too biased in seeing things the way the client they started with sees them to be fair to the other person. They don’t realize that this bad behavior is only a defense mechanism and not the real person.

Systemic therapists, on the other hand, are always wondering how the other person sees things. That kind of curiosity initially prevents the bias. The job of such therapists, especially IFS specialists, is to figure out how to make the person’s Self feel comfortable enough to assert leadership over these parts (defense mechanisms) that want to take over and so often do.

In fact, people don’t even need the other person to make a faux pas in order to react; protective parts do their job very well and will generally warn the person in advance not to trust their mate. “After all,” they will argue, “she or he has hurt you before.”

Which means that there are not two adults in the room at all. Instead, there are child parts of each trying valiantly to protect the person. And because they’re children, the discomfort or fighting or misunderstanding or numbness only escalates.

Therapists – even systemically trained ones – don’t realize this.

OK, so what is the gain in starting each person separately?

Well, here are all the advantages: • Each person can fully express themselves and be heard. • Each person needs space to explore their feelings and triggers, as well as learn the tools of mindfulness, affirmation, and separating out Self from parts

• But most importantly, until a person learns these tools so as to get back into Self when required it is likely that the two people sitting together in the counselor’s office will look like adults, but the actors there will actually be parts of themselves that act like children. • Many times, one person is so frustrated that they wish to (incorrectly) “blame” the other person for the marital problems and therefore refuse to go to therapy. Yet, the problem lies in how each person handles what comes up in the marriage and the very frustration that insists on not attending therapy is actually a “part” and not the person’s Self. This means that person would eventually benefit from joining, but it is wise to get the show on the road with the one person who agrees to do so.

I recall a particular couple I was seeing many years ago, back in Florida. I recall thinking with satisfaction at rare moments, “Oh, here’s the true person, with all his vulnerabilities.”

But right in front of my eyes, that person disappeared behind the wall of callousness that I could not seem to shed. What I understood decades later is that his protectors did not want his wife to see his pain, not because

she would take advantage of it but because that was simply the way he was used to protecting himself.

In fact, quite a few therapists have noticed this phenomenon but no one – until Richard Schwartz – came up with a straightforward path towards accessing the true and vulnerable Self.

So, by separating the couple to do their own self-reflection, the existence of protectors and walls is understood as “triggers” but without the necessity of keeping the walls up all the time. The person notices when

they go up, but they don’t go up in our sessions together.

By teaching people how to be aware of these triggers and protectors, we take the first step toward being together. The second step is self-healing, a process of separating from the protective parts (what Schwartz calls “unblending”) so that Self can understand them better. Third, exiles need to be rescued, which can only take place with a therapist present (to be discussed at another time), and only then are we ready to begin the “communication” so desperately sought after by couples.

But now this communication can be real. It comes from the Selves of two people, not protectors.

And I add in a step that if the individuals are not ready for this because sometimes their Selves go underground even after all the above work, that’s okay. Then we just take some more time ‘til the protectors feel they can relax.

By teaching people how to be aware of these triggers and protectors, we take the first step toward being together.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.