Dating Dialogue, Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Dating Dialogue

What Would You Do If…

Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters

Dear Navidaters,

Thanks for taking the time to look at my question.

Every time my brother goes out on a date I cringe and hope she’s not the one. I cringe because I know he tries his hardest to put on a show and wants to get married, but I know another side to him that some innocent girl wouldn’t.

My brother has a real issue with anger and doesn’t know how to control himself when things don’t go his way. My parents seem to just want him to move onto the next stage in life and think that a wife would ground him. I can’t see how he’d be good marriage material. As a sister, what can I do?

Tehilla*

Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.

The Panel

The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S.

Tehillla, I respect your concern about your brother’s middos and readiness for marriage. There is not much that you can do directly. You can encourage him, when he brings up topics related to dating. One topic can be the recognized helpfulness of a mentor who knows you for a long time to help you through your journey. The road to marriage needs to be perceived as a trip that grows one’s skills, maturity, and self-knowledge, and you can talk about it with him in general, not personal, terms.

Since you feel very strongly about his lack of readiness and anger management issue, you are going to have to do this carefully. Type up some gentle comments and prepare some scenarios. Go easy and talk about others so that your message will be heard and you won’t be shot down. If he perceives you as attacking him, you are done. You will not be able to influence him to see something besides his own present goals.

Another thing you can bring up in a general way is the demonstrated value of the Shalom Workshops for engaged, newlywed, and longtime married couples. You can cite your friend’s experience and how they said this was so helpful, long-term and short-term. You need to be in a position to express these observations and for your comments to ring true. If the two of you have had a stormy relationship and you don’t communicate well, he will totally tune out what you have to say.

The only way to influence him indirectly is if you have a good relationship, discuss marriage and dating topics generally, and think through your communication beforehand.

The Shadchan

Michelle Mond

You’re a very good sister and astute to your brother’s shortcomings. I bet you’ve suffered the brunt of his anger over the years and want to spare an innocent girl the same fate. The problem is, without a close relationship, there is not much you can do directly.

The good news is that it is not that easy to hide an anger problem. It won’t take much; perhaps a waiter will bring the wrong dish, or they will be stuck behind a slow driver in traffic, and within a moment, the truth will come out. All the girl in question needs to see is your brother fly off the handle one time, and she will know what you’ve known for years.

My advice is to lay low for now and try to build up a good relationship with your brother so your opinion might carry some weight. My guess is most of the girls he dates will sense his anger issue and not want to pursue a relationship further. If he does get serious with a girl, write your parents a heartfelt letter highlighting your fear about his potential engagement and marriage. Realistically, any devoted parent would take it to heart and encourage your brother to get help before he makes any commitments.

The Single

Rena Friedman

Tehilla, it’s so difficult to watch multiple close family members act in an unhealthy way. You must feel so trapped wanting to help your brother while your parents aren’t listening to you. I give you credit for reaching out to find ways that you can help within the confines of your circumstance.

Family members see the best of our best sides and the worst of our worst sides. It’s fascinating how we would never treat the mailman or cashier the way that we treat the closest, strongest relationships we have with our loved ones, i.e. parents and siblings. You, Tehilla, have the up-close and personal insider scoop on who your brother really is, perhaps seeing his ugliest faces. Keep in mind that you are privy to information that the rest of the world doesn’t see or, at most, sees a tamed version.

Anger is a serious middah that will have a huge impact on a marriage. Although your parents and everyone else want to believe marriage will fix all of our personal and interpersonal problems, it won’t. A person who has anger issues will have to work on it on an individual level and within the relationship once married as opposed to finetuning the trait when single. The latter is easier for many reasons.

The show you mention your brother puts on will eventually end with a grand finale. As your brother dates and gets more comfortable, it’s going to be harder and harder for him to hide and cover his genuine reactions when things happen. There’s a limit to how much a person can hide the essence of who they are. If the girl doesn’t pick up on it, then her family members or mentors will.

At the end of the day, there is someone for everyone. People with anger issues get married. In a healthy state, your brother can work through these issues and create a beautiful marriage with his wife and relationship with his children. Without working through it, he and his wife are signing up for their fair share of challenges that they will have to navigate. If it’s not this, then

Marriage does not cure anger, rage, and a sense of entitlement.

it’s something else. Perhaps your brother would be well-suited for a girl whose father has anger issues or someone who is very laidback and goes with the flow.

So what can you actually do? Hashem runs the world. Daven for your brother that he gets the help he needs and ends up in a healthy and happy marriage with the right person. Speak to your brother’s rav or mentor and see if he can guide your brother in a productive way to help him realize that he needs to work on this middah. Keep an eye on his dating. If you see your brother getting serious with someone and you really think it’s getting dangerous, escalate it to a rav or mentor of his who is or can get involved.

As always, all feedback, thoughts, and ideas are welcome: renafriedman2@gmail.com.

The Zaidy

Dr. Jeffrey Galler

There are two possibilities here.

You might be a little overly critical of your brother. Siblings often see the very worst in each other. Maybe your parents are correct in assuming that your brother will grow and mature naturally.

Or…

Perhaps your brother really does have a serious anger management problem. If so, here’s my suggestion: invite your brother to go out

with you for breakfast. being a terrific sister-in-law. would like to give him a present.

Over coffee and bagels, tell him Then, explain, politely, that You are gifting him three sessions that you love your big brother, look young women today are very sen- of cognitive behavioral therapy with up to him, think very highly of him, sitive about men who anger quickly an anger management specialist. and that you’re looking forward to and that you (Let’s hope The Navidaters that he doesn’t get angry at your sugges tion, lose his

Pulling It All Together temper, and throw his bagel

at you.)

Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists will go away! You know something? It’s really understandable. These parents have been

Dear Tehilla, privately fighting a

Thank you for writing into be wise to walk away. If secret battle that is hidour column. Your concern is a valid the person you are dating is den from the public eye. They are one. I agree with the advice given by angry with the world, you can tired – physically, emotionally, psythe panelists. Ultimately, you cannot mark my words that your turn chologically and financially (perhaps warn every girl your brother chooses will be fast approaching. You will from all the helpers they’ve brought to date about his anger management not cure his/her anger. You cannot fix on over the years). And they would like problem. All you can really do is try it…because you didn’t cause it. If he/ to believe that there is some peace/meto speak with him maturely and from she makes you feel like you are the an- nuchas hanefesh in sight…because it a place of love and care for his wellbe- swer to his/her issues, do not believe has been so hard! ing and future. If your brother is not this. The only answer to his/her issues Marriage does not cure anger, rage, an award-winning actor, most likely is him or herself. Not you! and a sense of entitlement. What ofhis anger will reveal itself in time, With that being said, I’d like to uti- ten happens is that the adult child and a healthy young woman might lize the next portion of my response brings the issue into the marriage. walk away. in this column to appeal to parents of The spouse suffers because of it, just

I, however, can use this platform children with unresolved behavior- as the nuclear family may have. The to warn men and women about un- al issues who are in the parsha (that relationship suffers for it. And, the healthy anger management. A quick chapter in life when it’s time to date adult child who the parents believed word to singles dating someone with a and get married). they were helping by encouraging datrevealed anger issue: While the majority of parents try ing and marriage, suffers for it as well.

There is simply no justification for to acknowledge and address their And when children are brought in to rage, rudeness, outbursts, general nas- children’s’ emotional regulation, the picture, they suffer, too. Oftentiness, disrespect or any kind of physi- mental health and wellness and anger times, these marriages end in divorce cal display (throwing, punching holes issues from a child’s early age, there or ongoing misery. in walls, tantruming). This behavior are those who do not. Sometimes, I understand the complexities and does not get better without acknowl- parents may have a hard time seeing ramifications of potentially angering edgment and course correction. It the issue in their child or cannot see it an adult child with anger management most often gets worse with time. You (also known as denial). And, like your issues. And I have seen adult children have every right to walk away! No one parents, there are those who believe cut out parents entirely or “punish” deserves this treatment. Apologies are that marriage will serve as an elixir. them in a plethora of ways for having meaningless without action. Most of Sometimes, well-meaning parents who set a clear boundary. Having what I us lose it every now and then (let’s be have been dealing their difficult child consider a “live wire” adult child is one real, please). None of us are angels. for twenty-plus years want to believe of the most difficult things a parent can However, if you notice a pattern of be- the fantasy that life will get better once endure. Do we keep pacifying him/her havior, and you are only dating, it may this child is married. Maybe the issue and hope he/she will eventually out-

The show you mention your brother puts on will eventually end with a grand finale.

grow it or do we put our foot down and say enough is enough?

Very often, parents may need help and support in learning how to set boundaries with this child. Ultimately, many parents choose to give their angry adult child a choice when it comes to dating. Get help for X months, and we will support you in your dating. If the child refuses the help, the parents can choose not to be involved.

This is one of the hardest and yet most loving things a parent can do for such a child. Oftentimes, this must be done with professional intervention with the understanding that if the adult child does not believe he/she has a problem and does not want to work on it, there is ultimately nothing more a parent can do other than choose to set personal boundaries (AKA, Vitamin N…No!) or carry on, business as usual, trying not to wake the sleeping bear. This is a painstakingly difficult choice for parents.

If you are a parent, and you find yourself in this situation, I know that you are in a very tough, emotionally draining spot. There is so much to weigh and measure. Most of us parents have provided a loving home and did the best we could.

I hope your adult child chooses the help he/she needs and chooses to do the work it takes (and it can be done!) to have a successful, healthy relationship with a future spouse and you as well! Sincerely, Jennifer Mann, LCSW

Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.