Parenting Pearls

Welcome to the Family

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Mazel tov! Recently, a few friends of ours welcomed new additions to their families, and this reminded me of some of the tips and tricks we used when welcoming our new little ones. While some of these are ours, I can’t take credit for many of these ideas. As somewhat new parents, we were fortunate to have many wonderful people share their ideas and what they did to make the transition easier. I’m only sorry I can’t name everyone who assisted us.

It’s easy to assume that the bracha of a new baby should go smoothly. Similar to all life changes and transitions, even the greatest of brachas can come with stress and growing pains. Your children may love their new sibling but as excited as they are, they are still experiencing a dramatic shift in their life. Go easy on them and help them as they welcome someone new to love.

Expect the unexpected

While I find the phrase frustrating, “expect the unexpected” really does describe how your children may react to their new sibling. I’ve tried to predict in advance which of my kids would have the easier transitions and which would have a more difficult time. I’ve often been wrong.

It is so hard to predict how any child will react. As little as you can expect what’s unexpected, by knowing your child’s reaction may be unpleasant and unexpected, you’ll already be on the path to understanding and sympathizing with them.

Know it’s normal for kids to act out, regress, or be more needy. It’s not fun but it’s normal. If you think it reaches the point of being too much, then you can discuss their behavior with their pediatrician or a mental health professional.

Prepare them for the big day

Different ages will understand differently and require different preparations. With my older children, I was able to have a sit-down conversation, while my youngest barely understood that babies are actually human.

Speak to each child on their level and answer their questions. For the toddlers who aren’t really able to understand much, I’ve at least tried to point out babies and give basic information such as “the baby is sleeping/ eating/crying” when we see a baby.

This is just my personal thing but I usually delayed telling my children till I was further along, as long as I could avoid saying anything. In my experience, it is very hard for kids to wait until the due date, and they continuously ask when the big event is happening. It is frustrating for kids to have to wait and it’s very stressful to be asked repeatedly any question when you’re pregnant. As an aside, I didn’t give out my actual due date but many others do. If you do give out your due date to your children, then you may want to explain that it’s an estimate and not a guarantee. Many children (and adults) find the idea of a due date vague and assume it’s a promise of when their baby will arrive.

In my experience, children are usually more concerned for their basic needs than about the big philosophical questions. My children have usually asked about where they will sleep, what they will eat, and if they will have the items they require or treasure while I was having the baby. I tried to have everything prepared for them and have concrete answers to those questions. For example, each child had a packed bag of clothing and knew where it was kept. Some of my children have had food restrictions, so I’ve packed safe snacks for them. I tried to prepare whatever I thought they’d need practically or emotionally and placed it in a spot where they could see it existed (even if they couldn’t reach it). This was reassuring for them that we wouldn’t suddenly leave them without adequate provisions.

It’s a good idea to go over with your children where they will be and how they will get to wherever they’re going when you’re in the hospital. It’s also worthwhile to make alternate plans and share those with your child. Years ago, our friends went over and over with their children how they may come home from school and Grandma and Grandpa will be there to greet them instead of Mommy. What the parents didn’t expect was that she would go into labor at a time Grandma and Grandpa couldn’t travel, and I unexpectedly had to take in her six or so children. She spent hours in the delivery room rerouting buses and carpools and trying to release her kids into my care. It was stressful for her, and the kids were very confused at the changes. As solid as your plans are, you should still have an alternative that your child knows.

Hospital visitation

I remember when our speech therapist first told me she doesn’t allow her little ones to visit her in the hospital – I was absolutely shocked! After she explained her reasoning, I had to agree with her. As she told me, it’s hard for little ones to be taken away from a parent and the advantage of seeing Mommy doesn’t, in her mind, outweigh the negative of being taken away afterwards. Every parent needs to decide on their own which children will benefit from visiting Mommy and which will experience increased stress or agitation from the separation.

With the birth of one of my children, I had been very firm that I didn’t want my toddler to visit me in the hospital because of this very concern. Because of a technicality, he was brought in anyway and he did see me. We are years later and I still remember him screaming for me as he was being taken away and brought home. It was incredibly sad and heart wrenching.

You know your children best and you can plan in advance who should and shouldn’t visit.

Gifts

This is the baby’s way of bribing their way into their older sibling’s heart. As your unborn can’t shop on his/her own, it is your job to purchase gifts should you feel gift giving is appropriate. The same speech therapist told me how each of her newborns had a gift for each older sibling. The gifts didn’t need to be expensive. We have done this as well, and I can say my kids have really appreciated it. One time I even left personalized cards on each gift signed, “Love, your new baby.” I must have been in a silly mood that time but the kids loved it.

I have a few criteria for picking gifts. The first is that they need to fit into my budget. If it’s too muc,h then it’s not the right gift. Remember, newborns don’t have much cash to spend. Gifts, especially for younger kids, don’t need to cost much. There are so many expenses with a new baby that gifts shouldn’t break the budget.

Another criteria I have is that gifts shouldn’t be anything that will be hard to clean. You have a new baby, and you shouldn’t be cleaning up. Any available parental energy should be focused on the family; cleaning up little, tiny piec-

es isn’t on the to-do list. Mega blocks or other toys that are relatively easy to clean are fine while tiny Legos you’ll never find till you step on are not OK. You know your child and you know how the mess will travel in your house. Pick a gift based on what you think will leave you without a big cleaning job.

Also, remember that babies grow fast. The newborn in your arms now will be crawling and eating toys off your floor sooner than you can imagine. Avoid choking hazards!

A third criteria is that I want something that the child can use again and again. I want weeks or months of enjoyment and not a half an hour before I hear “I’m bored.” More open-ended toys give more play time than something they build or do and then drop. Each child is different and what keeps one child busy for hours will be a 10-minute toy for another.

Making baby welcomed

I noticed a mother whose children always got along well with each other, even with the babies, and I asked her for one of her secrets. She said that she doesn’t hide the baby or keep them away but rather she makes the little one part of the family immediately. This meant putting the baby where the other children could see and interact with him/her. I’ve tried to do this as well and found it was very helpful to create closeness between the siblings rather than make the newborn into a museum piece and create friction.

When the baby is on the playmat or in any way “exposed” to the other children, I make sure to be present to ensure baby’s safety, especially with toddlers around. If I need to leave the room or can’t ensure a safe environment for everyone, then I will wear the baby in a carrier or find another safe place.

I’ve made a point to consciously teach the children how to safely interact with a baby. Don’t assume that children know or remember how to safely

Let your child know you love them, even as you may be less available

hold or play with a newborn. Explain and demonstrate to each child how they can safely interact with the baby and have them show you how they do it. Make sure they understand and periodically check in with them to make sure they’re still doing everything appropriately.

For my younger children, I’ve taught them to only touch the newborn’s feet. It’s my humble opinion that feet are the safest place for youngsters to touch, and I’ve found that toddlers are happy to play with feet. A newborn’s feet are unlikely to get near the baby’s mouth and spread germs. They’re furthest from the face and less likely to get injured if they’re accidentally grabbed or squeezed. I demonstrate how to not touch the head and the correct way to touch feet.

Welcoming a new baby is a tremendous bracha but also a time of increased tension. Go easy on Mom and go easy on each other. Prioritize what’s important and let your child know you love them, even as you may be less available. Very soon the baby will grow bigger, get into mischief with his/her older siblings, and you won’t remember a time without your newest addition.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.