Parts in Love by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

Parts in Love

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

Jamie fell in love with Jack. There’s a reason for that.

Jamie grew up in a home in which her father, the nicest person on Earth, couldn’t seem to outsmart the politicians at his investment office. He’d come up with brilliant ideas, and they not only stole them but made her father look like an idiot with egg on his face.

Every night, her dad would come home with dreadful tales of the office and try to find some answers and wisdom from Jamie’s mother. But her mom didn’t have answers.

In fact, her mom had always looked up to her husband for answers. She’d grown up one of six and kind of got lost in the shuffle. She didn’t think much of herself because that was the message she’d absorbed.

So she didn’t know what to tell her husband. Not only that, the fact that this strong and wonderful man had questions without answers kind of scared her. She’d retreat to their room and curl up with a book. That was her escape. Where else would she go?

And every single night at the dinner table, Jamie would freeze inside as she heard those stories. She was scared. Terrified, actually. You want to look up to your parents, and when they seem to be running scared, what message does it give you?

Jamie escaped, much as her mother did, to her books. She worked hard in school and did well enough. But there was this part of her that she didn’t want to acknowledge the existence of – the scared part, the part that wasn’t sure how to make life work.

So there was the outer Jamie that seemed confident, and then there was the hidden part of Jamie that simply wasn’t. And the confusion suffered by the hidden part could leak out sometimes. Like when she was confronted with girls who were way cooler than she was and knew just what to wear. Or when those girls were talking to the “cooler girls,” and she didn’t know what to say.

That’s when Jamie would kind of look in her books because they were safe. They were where she knew the answers. The social stuff, not so much. But if she simply had to join the group and say something, invariably it was the wrong thing. So her hidden part would pop out and spoil a decent day more often than not.

She grew up that way. It didn’t stop her from getting decently through college and beyond. And that’s when Jamie met Jack. Just in time, as she was getting “old” not to be married in the community she lived in. And Jack was the perfect mate. Why?

Ah. Here is the interesting thing about attraction: Jamie’s hidden scared part was really drawn to Jack’s super level of confidence.

That is how we fall in love. Yup. It’s not us doing it. It’s our part that’s hidden and wants so much to feel better that does the falling. It is thrilled to find someone whose behavior would seem to rescue the suffering, hidden part.

So Jamie’s scared part was reassured by Jack’s confidence.

But there’s a catch to this story that you have to understand:

Nobody, absolutely nobody can be confident all the time.

So there’s a warning here. Healthy people will not stay in one extreme forever. It just isn’t human. We all have our moments of doubt and uncertainty. Even Moshe Rabbeinu hit the rock. Avraham Avinu was reprimanded by Hashem for not listening to Sara. And so on.

Now, what happens when Jack, married for a bit of time now to Jamie, is human? Meaning, he feels vulnerable? Especially at work? Ohhhh, boy. Jamie’s scared part is no longer relaxed and happy. It becomes not only scared again; not only does it relive the past anxiety, but worse, her scared part feels betrayed.

Yes, betrayed.

After all, this scared part fell in love with a confident Jack, not a vulnerable Jack. How dare he!? And so, whether it is by a tone or a look or a fleeting gesture, Jamie will convey to Jack that this new vulnerability is not wanted here.

But that is a part of him. A genuine part. It’s actually the best part. It’s the part that can be real to his wife and can receive comfort and support from her instead of always giving it. That is, of course, the fun and delight of a good marriage, a well-working marriage: couples can take turns being the supporter and hero. That balance is what makes for a team. And a team feeling is what makes for fearless intimacy.

The problem is that Jamie couldn’t do any of that. And why?

Because she never came to accept, love, support, and reassure that hidden, scared part of herself.

See, that is the secret to a good marriage, one of mutual trust and support: First, you have to take all the scared or lonely or pained parts from childhood out of the closet. Then you have to show them you can take care yourself of all the things that they’re hurting over.

Then when you meet someone, it is not going to be because he has a false front that makes your hidden parts feel better. That’s fake stuff and will not last. It’s because there’s a delight in sharing and a give-and-take to the marriage.

I was explaining this to someone just today, and he said, “OK, if I love myself and all the parts in me that I rejected I now accept and value, what’s the purpose of marriage?”

But the answer to that is clear: Hashem didn’t need our world or us. It was all a gift. And we are supposed to try to follow His lead. So when we love ourselves well, we have enough love left over for others. And there is nothing quite like that feeling of your heart spilling over with overwhelming love for the people in your life and feeling the intense gratitude that you’re in this life filled with so much love.

So, the funny part is that in giving, you get back anyway, a thousand-fold. Because the joy of giving buckets of love is unparalleled.

That’s the goal. That’s the golden ticket to happiness. But to get there, those scared, sad, depressed, neglected, lonely, unloved parts have to come out of hiding. They have to be loved first – by you. You have to love them. Which means you have to love all of you, even the parts of you that have made you feel ashamed, depressed, terrified, numb, or ready to escape.

Step one is the hard one, no doubt. But that’s what I’m here for.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.