16 minute read
Mann, LCSW
Dating Dialogue
What Would You Do If…
Moderated by Jennifer Mann, LCSW of The Navidaters
Dear This question may sound weird, but I don’t know who else
Navidaters, to ask. I am 21 years old. My friend is the same age as me. Recently, she has been complaining to me that she never gets any second dates from guys. My friend is a great person – she is kind, fun, and smart. She will make a great wife. I believe I know why she is not getting a second date: she has very bad teeth and the first time someone sees her and she smiles, they generally are taken aback. After a while, though, you don’t notice her terrible orthodontia. Here’s my question: I feel bad that she’s not getting second dates, and I know that it’s probably from that. How do I get the message to her to get her to do something about it? I really don’t want to tell her myself. It would really hurt her feelings.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
The Rebbetzin
Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S. Y ou are right not to tell your friend yourself to fix her teeth since you think she will feel hurt. People are very sensitive about personal appearance.
If you and your friend are close, you may get to it indirectly. At some point, when you talk about dating in general and rehash what advisors such as seminary teachers have told you about the topic of dating, you can bring up something I have mentioned in this space several times.
Instead of focusing on one’s “list” and what the other person brings to a potential relationship, focusing on what one can offer someone else is a very healthy way of approaching the search for a spouse.
This is a process that involves looking at oneself and asking, who am I? What are my strengths? What qualities can I offer someone else? And then one proceeds to the next series of questions. What type of person can use my strengths? What kind of person will value what I have to of
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to diagnose or otherwise conclude resolutions to any questions. Our intention is not to offer any definitive conclusions to any particular question, rather offer areas of exploration for the author and reader. Due to the nature of the column receiving only a short snapshot of an issue, without the benefit of an actual discussion, the panel’s role is to offer a range of possibilities. We hope to open up meaningful dialogue and individual exploration.
The Panel
fer? This, obviously, involves looking in the mirror both figuratively and literally. Serious self-assessment involves maturity and self-knowledge, which come with time. Hopefully, daters reach that point and can be objective about all their qualities.
The Shadchan
Michelle Mond
Iwould like to turn the question around for a moment for our readership to think about. Do women ever turn guys down due to aesthetics and/ or bad teeth? Have you ever heard of a woman nixing her date due to poor dental hygiene? As a shadchan, I get this type of feedback; it happens all the time. Recently, a woman gave a “no” to a guy because the topic of their morning routines came up. The guy confided that he only brushes his teeth at night, because “I don’t eat anything in the meantime. Why brush in the morning? It’s a waste of time.” This was enough to make the woman run the other way. It happens to be this man has nice white, straight teeth but the thought of going out on another date with a man who does not brush in the morning was enough to end it. Many times, bad dental hygiene comes with side effects such as bad breath, which might be exacerbating the problem.
As you have articulated, it is possible that bad dental hygiene can hinder the progress of relationships. This applies to both men and women. If your friend is perfectly happy despite her negative shidduch experience, I would say, do not mention it. If she is not bothered by it, why are you? However, if your friend confides in you, and is depressed about shidduchim, that is a different story. If it is negatively impacting her life, your case for saying something gets stronger. When she is asking you for advice, you can honestly tell her how incredible she is. Elaborate on your opinion: there is nothing about her character which would hinder someone from giving her a second date. What can possibly be the problem? You can then, however, ease into the dental topic. You can gently suggest that she may want to see a dentist for poor orthodontics. Frame it in a way that conveys the message: “Who knows? Could it be just a physical thing that could easily be fixed?”
This is a delicate topic that must be handled sensitively largely based on the closeness of your relationship. Use your intuition to guide you to the route you wish to take. Hatzlacha to both of you on your dating journeys!
The Zaidy
Dr. Jeffrey Galler
Ihave a multi-level reaction to your letter. Simple:
Sometimes, a direct approach is best. If she’s a good friend, she’ll appreciate your cosmetic feedback. Next time your friend mentions the “second date” problem, you can tell her that:
In studies that analyze what a person notices when meeting someone for the very first time, a person’s smile always ranks high on the list. (Others are eyes, hair, attire, and body language.)
Today, highly esthetic, Clear Aligner Orthodontics is relatively easy, virtually unnoticeable, affordable, and involves very little discomfort.
Crooked, unattractive teeth often make oral hygiene difficult and can cause bad breath. Deep:
If you nevertheless worry that it might impair your friendship if you tell your friend that she should fix her unattractive smile, you can try an indirect approach:
You can try the old, “My cousin in Wisconsin just had her teeth straightened with Invisalign, and wow, she looks terrific!”
Or, put the shadchan to work. Call her shadchan and suggest that she, without mentioning your own name, recommends esthetic dentistry to your friend. Let her discuss how some young men might be turned off by an unattractive smile.
Or, you can ask a computer savvy co-conspirator to send an anonymous text to your friend, with a link to the very informative website, www. Invisalign.com. Also, include a link to the American Academy of Clear Aligners (www.aacaligners.com), where the “Locate Our Members” tab will help her find local dentists who are experts in the field. (Note to readers: Among the dif
ferent companies offering Clear Aligner Orthodontics, Invisalign is the most scientific, predictable, and popular, with over 1.5 million cases in 2019. And, in my strong opinion, avoid “Smile Direct Club.”)
Deeper:
Are you sure that the problem is orthodontic? It might be something else.
Urge your friend to call the shadchanim that have set her up and request honest feedback about what is making the boys say “no” after a first date. A good shadchan will understand and give her the proper feedback. Deepest:
Let’s think about this a bit more deeply. How is it possible that your friend is unaware of her dental problem? It just doesn’t make sense.
Doesn’t she look in the mirror? Don’t you think her parents told her? Don’t you think her dentist recommended esthetic improvements, over the past decade of checkups?
What I am most concerned about is a psychological defense mechanism called “avoidance” that could be playing a role in your friend’s behavior. Sometimes, folks purposely avoid fixing a smile, or eliminating a bad habit, or correcting similar problems that could clearly impact a person’s ability to attract a marriage partner or perform up to their potential at work. The Navidaters true inner conflict many friends face. term or damage our friendship?
I think the answer to your queslike it is, and I appreciate it. Other friendships have a different nature. I can tell how much you care about
This “avoidance” enables a person to have a handy excuse, or rationale, for effectively avoiding the stress of experiencing failure, or the stress of facing anxiety-provoking, daunting new stages in life. Psychological counseling might be helpful here.
Good luck, and here’s hoping that you and your friend will have much to smile about at each other’s weddings.
The Kallah Teacher
Rebbetzin Lisa Babich/5th Avenue Synagogue
Thank you for asking this question. As we know, the topic of “looks’’ in shidduchim can be a very sensitive one. I want to answer by first explaining the basis of Creation and the world we currently live in by going back to the beginning with Adam and Eve. Before Adam and Eve sinned and ate from the Tree of Knowledge they were completely spiritual beings with little awareness of the physical aspects of life. However, once they sinned, your friend and want her to find her bashert.
I am concerned that your friend is well aware of her orthodontia and perhaps cannot afford to fix it. As a matter of fact, if it is as bad as you say it is, I’m fairly confident that she has to be aware of they suddenly became aware of their physicality and covered themselves with fig leaves (Bereishis 3:7). What this is essentially saying is that they were no longer completely spiritual and the awareness of physicality and more materialistic matters became a part of their world and consequently, ours as well.
Before their sin, Adam and Eve only saw each other as souls. They didn’t even notice their bodies. Once they sinned, the two of them suddenly became more aware of their surroundings and the physical world. They were no longer able to view life on a purely spiritual plane.
While we would all love to be completely spiritual beings that simply is not our reality. Your friend is probably a wonderful girl but if her teeth are as noticeably damaged as you describe, people, by nature, will notice it. The question becomes: if and how do you tell her? Perhaps if you approach her kindly in a loving and non-judgmental way she will hear you. In life, it is not as much what we say as it is how we say it. You can tell her that you were thinking about her conundrum in not getting past a first date and the nature of your your friend might feel if you tell her her teeth are the reason she doesn’t get a second date. I would tread very lightly as sometimes friendships do not recover from comments like this. I don’t feel comfortable encouraging you one way or another because I don’t know if your friend will be able to hear this and if she even has the means to take care of this issue.
Should you decide to say something, be prepared for the possibility of losing her as a friend. Perhaps there is a relative of hers that you can
Doesn’t she look in the mirror?
you have an idea that may help. You can reassure her how beautiful she is. Make sure to give personal examples of how you enhance your appearance before dates as well. Sympathize with her about how difficult and at times how superficial the dating world can seem.
I know it is not easy to have to tell someone a piece of constructive advice, however, I am sure many of us can think back to a time when someone had to tell us something painful for our benefit. At the moment, it does not feel good but ultimately that advice can be very helpful.
I wish you and your friend much hatzlacha and may you find your matches very soon!
Shidduchim is not an easy parsha but may this be a stepping-stone to lead you to your soulmate and a ful
Pulling It All Together
Dating and Relationship Coaches and Therapists
Thank you for your email. Your question speaks to a Do I tell my friend a well-intentioned truth that may hurt her in the short
tion depends on the nature of your friendship. I have friends who tell me
the situation. What would the point then be of telling her?
Only you know friendship and how
filling and happy life. speak to...a mentor, her rebbetzin, etc. Good luck with your decision!
Jennifer
Jennifer Mann, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples, and families in private practice at 123 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst, NY. She also teaches a psychology course at Touro College. To set up a consultation or to ask questions, please call 516-224-7779, ext. 2. Visit www.thenavidaters.com for more information. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question to the panel anonymously, please email thenavidaters@gmail.com. You can follow The Navidaters on FB and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
Dr. Deb
What We Need
By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
Things are “opening up” - just a crack. How has this Covid experience been for us?
Nothing is ever the same today as it was yesterday. We only think so. It’s an illusion. Things change in our lives, and things change in the world. This is normal. This is more normal than otherwise.
What happened during the holocaust? Suddenly the world turned upside down. We can say the same thing for a person who suddenly faces a breaking marriage, a child that is sick, or some sort of betrayal.
The reality is that it’s not good for us to be lulled into a false sense of comfort with things seeming like they will always be the same.
Why not?
Because we are here to grow. We’re here to get to a higher madreiga, and the only way we can do it is if Hashem gently and lovingly nudges us. But we are a stubborn people, right? So when He does all that gently and lovingly, what do we do? Generally, we ignore Him.
So He ups the ante.
It is still loving, but not necessarily so gentle. Everything He does is with love. I heard Vivienne Frank speak at the White Shul a few Shabbosim ago and she talked about one of the tefillos that we say every morning.
“She-asa li kol tzorchi”
And it doesn’t make much sense, really, to think that He gives us everything we need when people are sick, starving, unmarried, or miserable.
But maybe that is what we need, Mrs. Frank implied.
How could that be? How could it be possible that we need misery?
That does not make sense. But wait –
Who said we need misery? Or that G-d has given us misery?
Maybe the situation has caused unneeded misery and our whole object lesson is to learn to not be miserable in it. Could that be possible?
So this Corona thing is a great opportunity to learn how to not be miserable in the face of a misery-producing situation!
So what did I do? point who had a clue what was wrong with me. And the rabbi would surely need a medical opinion. Second of all, I didn’t know that it would hurt or how much.
And the third reason is the most important. Emotionally, I had no husband and no family sitting there at my table so the least I could have for the comfort and presence of the familiarity of an ancient custom was
I started out with a seder alone. Now, as it so happens, I developed a weird sickness (only to be diagnosed over 4 months later) that made my mouth miserable. Talking of misery – on a pain scale, it could go up very high.
Well, for that seder, I was going to do it right. That’s me. I do it right. If there is an opportunity to shirk, I don’t. I go the whole way. So, my father, of blessed memory always had a grated stump of fresh horseradish for the maror, so by golly, I had that too. Except I couldn’t find the grater so I simply chopped it into small pieces.
Now, that hurt. 9/10 on a pain scale. to do it the way I’d always done it.
Was I halachically required to have it? It didn’t occur to me to ask a question for three reasons. First of all, I hadn’t found a doctor at that
Sometimes, we have to sacrifice our physical comfort for the emotional comfort an action brings, or could bring.
After almost 5 months of this disease (which now does have a name since I did, baruch Hashem, find a doctor who knew what he was doing), I’ve learned something interesting: As the disease is fought and the pain subsides, my ability to enjoy the taste of my food has also diminished. So would I rather have most things taste like some relative of cardboard but not suffer at all? Or would I rather taste the food as G-d intended it and suffer?
Well, for now, I’m choosing not to suffer. It is easier on my stress response! But I have a sharp memory of Pesach and slapping the table with pain because of the maror, and I do not regret it. It is something I went through that maybe I needed to go through.
Not sure why.
Maybe I will learn why at some time in the future. But I do not regret that I opted for the maror.
So maybe that is the point of “Sheasa li kol tzorchi.”
Take the case of a spoiled child who grows up and suddenly has to be responsible at a job and in a marriage. That child needed a punishment back then. It would have made things easier in the present.
So I did not see my family members for the five months of this thing until my primary care doctor said I could go visit and not worry since the adults had antibodies and the children wouldn’t, statistically, be a threat.
As I sat at my daughter’s table this past Shabbos for the first time and the children were laughing and annoying each other and the adults had the same trouble being heard over the din, it felt like I hadn’t missed a beat; I settled right back into the regular routine and felt – as I always had – that this was mei-ain olam haba.
So, did I need all those months without them? I can’t answer that either. All I know is that if HaKadosh Baruch Hu gave this to me as part of this world, then I am delighted and glad and appreciative to be still alive no matter the cost. That’s really all I do know.
Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.
