Incontinence — Not a Jewish taboo

What our traditions teach us about growing old

By Rabbi Barbara Aiello

As the iPhone’s ringtone played the opening bars of “Copa Cabana,” Rose was ready. It was the precise hour for Zooming with the grandkids — an event that Rose anticipated each and every Sunday.

After an exchange of pleasantries, granddaughter Abby announced a surprise. “Bubby, we know you love to travel and that you love Barry Manilow. So, we’re coming to Florida and all of us are taking you, all expenses paid, to Las Vegas!”

Rose swallowed hard. Tears welled in her eyes as she thanked Abby and all the grandkids for their generosity. But there was hesitancy in Rose’s voice, something Abby discerned immediately. “Bubby, aren’t you happy? Is there something wrong?” As Rose recovered her composure, she reassured Abby that the gift was much appreciated but that “I just need time to digest it all.”

Later on, as Rose sipped an iced tea with her best friend, Bea, Rose agonized about how to bring up a delicate subject that she’d kept from her friends and family for months. “Bea, I’ve never told anyone, but now I have to. I can’t even think about a trip to Las Vegas. I have bathroom problems. I’m incontinent.”

With that, Rose led Bea to her hall closet where dozens of packs of adult underwear were stored. “Look here. It’s what people joke about. Adult diapers. I hardly go out anymore because I never know what will happen. That’s the real reason I can’t go to the movies with you or to Las Vegas or anywhere far away. My life revolves around the bathroom and the accidents that I have several times a week.”

Bea sympathized with her friend. “Truth be told, I’ve had a few close calls myself. And if I don’t make it, the clean-up is … well…” Rose jumped in, “Mortifying.”

Ruth and Bea are not alone in their reluctance to discuss issues surrounding bowel difficulties. Some older adults don’t want to talk about it with anyone, including a doctor, while others, like Rose, eschew the neighborhood store and shop for adult incontinence underwear far from home where they won’t be recognized. Nonetheless, gerontology professionals agree that an open and honest admission of how incontinence affects daily life could calm social situations and alleviate stress.

In order to promote communication and understanding, an Australian government website offers a wide range of information on what the Aussies call “faecal incontinence.” The condition is defined as the experience of leakage from the bowel or when a stool is passed at the wrong time or the wrong place. Amazingly, the site reports that as many as 1 in 20 older adults have poor bowel control that affects how they conduct their daily lives.

A ubiquitous problem, the Australian site even includes a detailed map of the 19,000 public and private public toilet facilities located throughout the country.

In a recent article, author Jodi Eichler-Levine describes her bathroom challenges resulting from colon cancer. As a professor of Jewish studies, Eichler-Levine turns to the Talmud for guidance. There, she found evidence of Judaism’s practical approach to one of many everyday problems.

Eichler-Levine quotes the Babylonian Talmud, Berakht 54B, where Rav Yehuda writes, “There are three matters which, when one who prolongs their duration, extends a person’s days and years. They are: One who prolongs his prayer, one who prolongs his mealtime at the table, and one who prolongs his time in the bathroom.”

In an ancient effort to combat the dis comfort and shame often associated with bathroom issues, Eichler-Levine reminds us of the Talmudic prayer for using the facilities:

“The rabbis disagree about what to say upon entering the bathroom ( literally, “the house of the seat”). One says to begin by speaking to the angels who accompany him.”

Another rabbinic sage says that we should recite the following: “Guard me, guard me; help me, help me; support me, support me; wait for me, wait for me, until I enter and come out, for this is the way of man.”

Naturally, there is a blessing to make when we leave the bathroom as well. We are grateful to God who “formed man in wisdom and created in him many orifices and cavities. It is … known … that were one of them to be ruptured and blocked, it would be impossible to survive and stand before you. (Berakhot 60b)

Why discuss something that has been taboo for so many? Maybe we Jews are more inclined to deal with the subject given that the incidence of Crohn’s Disease and Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) among Jews is greater than among the general population. The result: more of us Jews may have to deal with a messy accident than those in other ethnic groups.

What to do? The answer might be had in a popular children’s book written in 1977 by Minna Unchi and translated into Hebrew and English by Amanda Mayer Stinchecum. The book tells children that all animals defecate and rather than feeling shame or embarrassment, defecating is a natural part of life. The book is titled “Everyone Poops,” and although its message is for little ones, the matter-of-fact practical approach to one of life’s messier processes reminds us that an honest approach to incontinence is helpful, compassionate and a very Jewish thing to do.

Rabbi Barbara lives and works in Italy. For 10 years, Rabbi Barbara Aiello served the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident rabbi. Currently as Rabbi Emerita, she shares her experiences on Aging Jewishly with audiences around the world. Her columns are collected in her book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on Amazon. She is also host of the 18-year Radio Rabbi program, WWPR 1490 AM. Contact her at Rabbi@RabbiBarbara.com.