Coping when your adult child has cancer

Aging Jewishly — What our traditions teach us about growing old.

By Rabbi Barbara Aiello

As Carole came to terms with her adult daughter’s cancer diagnosis, she sprang into action. News reports tell us that “She’s ferried and fetched (the grandchildren), taken them to school sports matches and given them endless support. She’s been a real Mary Poppins-like figure.”

And although the Carole of our story is Carole Middleton, mother of England’s future queen, she is not exempt from experiencing a frightful statistic; nearly 8% of cancer patients, or 160,000 U.S. young adults ages 20-44, and about a similar percentage (based on population) in the UK, are currently diagnosed with cancer. Given these numbers, it stands to reason that thousands of these young persons’ parents are navigating the unchartered emotional territory of how to support their adult children who are coping with cancer.

Princess Kate is Carole Middleton’s daughter. Kate is also 42 years old and a married mother of three – an upsidedown circumstance that can have challenging implications for the parentchild relationship.

Todd Krouner, father of cancer survivor, 29-year-old Jessica, would agree. In a 2019 interview posted on UCLAHealth, Krouner shared his wisdom via “10 Things I Wish I Knew Before My Daughter Was Diagnosed with Cancer.”

As a father deeply concerned about his daughter and unsure of exactly how to support her, when he noticed that Jessica began losing her hair from chemotherapy, Krouner proposed that both he and Jessica shave each other’s heads. Jessica says, “He didn’t just get a buzz cut, he went fully bald. He’s the best.”

With an important show of solidarity under his belt, Krouner forged ahead with his 10 tips, among them a realization that even as a parent, “You are not in control.”

Nearly 8% of cancer patients, or 160,000 U.S. young adults ages 20-44, and about a similar percentage (based on population) in the UK, are currently diagnosed with cancer.

Krouner notes that “As parents, we dedicate ourselves to protecting our children, so it’s especially frightening when we have no control.”

Included in Krouner’s list are positive suggestions like “Do control what you can control,” such as the flow of medical information. He notes that it is helpful to choose a family member or trusted friend to serve as the point person to share regular updates.

One item especially important on the Krouner list is “Keep the faith and cover the bases.” He recalls, “When my Jewish grandmother was at a Catholic hospital, a priest asked her if he could say a prayer for her. She said yes. When the priest left, my mother expressed shock at my grandmother’s acquiescence. My grandmother replied, “I just want to cover all of the bases.”

Krouner goes on to say, “My daughter is highly spiritual and took her strength from all corners. Her rabbi weighed in, my wife’s rabbis weighed in, her friends and clients offered prayers, my Christian clients prayed for her and my dry cleaner prayed for her.”

The list, which includes handling the effects of chemotherapy and relationships with in-laws, grandchildren and caregivers, concludes as Krouner recalls the wise words of a friend, “Be optimistic. There’s always time to be pessimistic. In fact, you don’t have to look for tsuris (misery). She will find you when she wants you.”

Tsuris has found the Middleton’s as well, but according to reports, Carole has remained undaunted. Tara Cobham, journalist for The Independent, writes that Katherine’s mother “has provided the young family with the “three R’s.” She’s come to the rescue, provided reassurance and has been a rock to Katherine and William …” Or, as Krouner would say, provide your child with comfort, support and a positive outlook. “The best thing you can do for your child is just be a parent.”

For 10 years Rabbi Barbara Aiello served the Aviva Campus for Senior Life as resident rabbi. Her most popular columns are now published in her new book, “Aging Jewishly,” available on Amazon books. Rabbi Barbara now lives and works in Italy where she is rabbi of Italy’s first Reconstructionist synagogue. Contact her at Rabbi@ RabbiBarbara.com.