“Sorry” is more than a board game

Rabbi Howard S. Herman DD

Is being sorry and feeling sorry the same thing? What must I do and/ or feel to be apologetic? The upcoming holiday of Yom Kippur is the official Jewish festival of “I’m sorry.” In Judaism, we call this process “teshuvah,” which we translate loosely as “repentance.” But Judaism teaches us that there are stages to “teshuvah” and it is not something done without forethought and premeditation.

The stages of “teshuvah” are 1) recognizing what you might have done wrong; 2) feeling some kind of regret; 3) undoing any damage done; 4) resolving not to do it again; and 5) being forgiven by the person who was wronged. So, it would seem that if one was going to complete the “teshuvah” process by Yom Kippur, it would have to begin well before the holiday. Perhaps Yom Kippur is just a marker for acknowledging or listing the work that must be done by an individual in order to repair relationships that may have gone awry.

… if you can determine why you did what you did and how you feel about it now, the next steps might become easier.

The Babylonian Talmud actually says, in Shabbat (15a), that we should not wait until Yom Kippur to ask forgiveness of those we have wronged. Moses Maimonides described “teshuvah” as a “personal transformation,” which, on some level, it is. In order to begin that transformation process, it is critical that you sit down and reflect on the fact that you hurt someone and feel guilty. Why? Psychologists will counsel you that if you can determine why you did what you did and how you feel about it now, the next steps might become easier.

Forgiveness is a very complex entity, even if your apology has the best of intentions. You might also want to consider if it is the right time to apologize. You need to consider if an apology is going to be something beneficial at the moment. It may benefi t you, but will it benefi t them? Is it the best time to bring those negative feelings to the fore? Be smart and at least consider it.

You want the apology to be accepted, so think about the most appropriate time to make that happen. Active listening — which involves making eye contact or otherwise making it clear you are completely tuned it and really focusing on what they are saying, instead of preparing your rebuttal — may help you truly understand the impact of your missteps. You can affirm you have heard the other person and ask clarifying questions, if necessary. This kind of attentiveness may help you keep the same mistake from happening again.

I read an article recently on the online site “My Jewish Learning” about what makes a good apology. The article advanced the idea of Dr. Everett L. Worthington Jr. of Virginia Commonwealth University, a psychologist who studies forgiveness and who created a handy acronym to help people remember all the steps of a meaningful request for forgiveness. It is C-O-N-F-E-S-S.

C – Confess without excuse. Be specific about what you are sorry for. Do not offer any kind of excuse. Do not let the word “but” come out of your mouth.

O – Offer an apology that gets across the idea that you are sorry and that you do not want to do it again. Be sincere and articulate.

N – Note the other person’s pain. Acknowledge that your actions were hurtful.

F – Forever value. Explain that you value your relationship. You want to restore it more than you want to hang onto your pride.

E – Equalize. Offer retribution. Ask how you can make it up to the person.

S – Say “never again.” Promise that you won’t do it again and mean it.

S – Seek forgiveness. Ask the other person directly, “Will you forgive me?”

Think through all the steps beforehand. That way, you will have a mental image of what this “teshuvah” will look like when you are actually standing in front of the person you have wronged.

I can’t stress this enough — you shouldn’t do “teshuvah” via text or email. It should be physically standing in front of the person. If that is not possible, a handwritten personal letter might suffice.

The gates of forgiveness will soon be open. Now all you need to do is the work to walk through. G’mar Chatimah Tovah Rabbi Howard S. Herman DD serves at Naples Jewish Congregation.