Whiskey River Spring 2023

We’re really n ice now.

A Candle for The Taint

The OGs of fancyyet-edgy candles

Ever feel like you have 10 thumbs, two glass eyes, and a useless arm coming out of your backside? Yeah, us too. But that’s not really what we wanted to talk about right now. (We can revisit this later in group therapy.)

Last year, we spent a lot of time making changes in our little soap and candle business, and hope you’ve noticed. Your orders are shipping fast and gosh darn it, we’re really nice now.

So this year, we plan to keep up the good work, focus on your satisfaction, and provide you with endless laughs.

Or at least a quick guffaw.

Pencils for Teachers

NEW

Notorious Awards Pen Sets

Here’s to the crazy bitches. The poor sports. The bad moms. The petty criminals. The ones who use grammar different. The ones who swear prolifically. While some may see them as notorious, we see real winners. And we think real winners deserve real awards, like these pens.

Pen Sets: 4 black ink ballpoint click pens in a colorful and sturdy 2-piece box. Pen size: 5 ½″ L × ⅜″ W. Box size: 5 ⅝″ L × 1 ⅛″ W × 1 ⅛″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

PETTY CRIME AWARDS

Four vintage-style pens inside: Voted Bay Area’s · MOST WELL-SPOKEN DRUG DEALER VAPING ON A PLANE · Sky High Awards 2022

South Florida Regional Awards · ODDEST PUBLIC NUDITY YOUTUBE 2021 Petty Criminals Awards · MOST CHIPOTLE NAPKINS STOLEN

POOR SPORT AWARDS

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Adult Charity Sports League · MOST OVERCOMPETITIVE 2022 MOST FAKED INJURIES ON FIELD · Actors Guild Sports Division Angry Fan Nationals 2023 · MOST HOLES PUNCHED IN WALL KICKED OUT OF MOST GAMES · Bad Sports Parent Magazine

PROLIFIC

Four vintage-style pens inside:

Uncomfortable Poetry Awards · HIGHEST NUMBER OF EXPLETIVES PUTTING “FUCK” ON A PILLOW · Off-Color Cross-Stitch Nationals Top Performer 2022 · MOST F BOMBS PER MINUTE CURSING IN FRONT OF GRANDMA · 1st Place: Toddler Division

Shit

NEW

AntiHero Pencil Sets

New look Same great taste!

Some say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River Soap, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made in USA pencil sets.

Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ L × ¾″ W × 1 ⅜″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

BAD ATTITUDES

CRAZY BITCHES

DOG PEOPLE

GRAMMAR POLICE

LEFTIES

THE MIDDLE CHILD

MIDLIFE CRISIS

NURSES

THE OFFICE

OKAY MOMS

PROCRASTINATORS

THE TRUTH

Ah, nothing beats the original. Before we released these babies, life was bleak. But out of darkness came light, and a beautiful sticker set was born. Trusted by pranksters the world over, our original collection of 60 tricky stickers has stood the test of time. Unlike my liver.

Prank Stickers Set A:

Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

Taste the perfect marriage of luscious, ripe flavors of peach and pear with the crisp freshness of lemon, grapefruit and orange blossom. Or, you know, buy these hilarious prank stickers and cover every object in your life with them. It’s one or the other. We’re sure you’ll make the right choice.

Prank Stickers Set B:

Two 30-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

I think we all know that bigger equals better. Ever heard of Texas? It’s an entire state devoted to the concept. And while these stickers aren’t quite that big, they’re still a damn sight larger than any prank stickers anyone from Rhode Island has ever released. And that’s a fact.

Prank Stickers Set C: Two 15-sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

Ever feel like that new candle you bought’s missing something? Or maybe your birthday card for Aunt Clem is lacking a little flavor? Upgrade that shit with our Fuck It! sticker pack. Available wherever zero fucks are given.

Candle Upgrade Stickers: Two sticker sheets with header card, size: 5″ × 9 ½″. Full-color. Sold in 8-packs.

Subtext Line Greeting Cards

We all love greeting cards right? And eating straight out of the trash can, George Costanza-style? No, just me? Alright, whatever. Loser. At least I don’t meet guys in the woods behind the old folk’s home. Yet. Thinking of you!

Smells

like it’s all about you.

Fantasy Destination Puzzles

Wanna get your puzzle on? We’ve been hooked on these little timewasters for years now. And when winter hits?

You can burn them for warmth.

Jigsaw Puzzles: 1,000+ piece puzzles bagged and packed in sturdy, colorful boxes.

Box size: 8″ × 10″. Puzzle size: 19 ½″ × 26 ⅞″.

3 different puzzle styles sold in 2-packs.

SHIT SHOW VALLEY

Duo Candle Air Fresheners

Know what stinks? Not you! Now that you have your very own candle air freshener to haul around with you, people will quit pinching their noses and running for the hills. Hopefully. You still have to occasionally bathe, you know.

Air Fresheners:

25 different candle air fresheners with unique scents.

Air freshener size: 3 ½″ W × 3″ H; package size: 5 ½″ W × 6 ½″ H.

Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.

DAD JOKES

DOG PEOPLE

MOM BRAIN

NAMASTE

OKAY MOMS

SHIT SHOWS

SOCIAL ANXIETY

TEACHERS

THE TROPHY HUSBAND

ZERO FUCKS

WTF Candle Air Fresheners

What the actual fuck is that smell? Who gives a shit. Just cover it up with one of our colorful air fresheners, complete with your favorite four-letter word. (Except for the ones that aren’t.)

Air Fresheners: 5 different curse word candle air fresheners with unique scents. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 4″ W × 6″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in packs of 4.

All Things Astrology

We consider ourselves the world’s foremost authority on all things astrology. Seriously, we do. And we’d like to hear anyone make a case that our Astrology Line products don’t describe each sign to a T. You just consider yourself lucky we decided to make these suckers. You’re welcome.

NEW

Matches: Wooden matchsticks with colored heads to match each glass jar’s label. Jar size: 4 ¼″ H × 2″ W × 2″ D. Strike on bottom. Sold in packs of 4.

Stickers: 2-pack of die cut stickers with soft-touch lamination, packaged in poly bag with header card. Sticker size: 4 ¾″ W × 2 ¼″ H; package size: 5 ¼″ W × 5 ¼″ H. Sold in packs of 4.

NEW

Candles: Our 100% soy wax candles. Each lid has a brightly-colored sticker that matches our Astrology Soap and Pencil Sets. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in packs of 4.

Soap: Each 3 ½″ × 2 ¾″ × 1″ soap has a custom color-scheme and scent that matches its corresponding Astrology Candle. Shrink-wrapped with a clear label. Sold in packs of 4.

Air Fresheners: Scented to match our Astrology Soap and Candles. Air freshener size: 2 ¾″ W × 4″ H; package size: 4″ W × 7″ H. Two different sides, fullcolor. Sold in packs of 4.

NEW

Birthday Cards: 12 different astrology sign themed birthday cards with tear-off affirmations. Card size (folded): 5″ W × 7″ H. Blank inside. Includes envelope and poly bag sleeve. Sold in packs of 6.

CAP-M TAU-M

CANCER

VIRGO

SCORPIO

CAPRICORN

BERGAMOT BOSS SCENT DBossy AF DFull-on workaholic DFluent in sarcasm

“Capricorns are the most intelligent sign.” - a Capricorn

AQUARIUS

PROGRESSIVE PAPAYA SCENT

DWoke AF DNew-agey DSocial butterfly

“Aquarians have the most friends.” - an Aquarius

PISCES

DRIFTWOOD DREAMER SCENT DHead in the clouds DImpressionable DConsummate napper

“Pisceans are the unicorns of the zodiac.” - a Pisces

PIS-C AQU-C CAP-C

ARIES

AGGRESSIVE AGAVE LIME SCENT DExcels at “me time”

“An Aries never comes in second. Ever.” - an Aries

TAURUS

CHAMPAGNE CHIC SCENT DEpicurean DPersonal space invader DAbsolute ruler

“Taureans are the classiest of all the signs.” - a Taurus

GEMINI

WHIMSICAL WATERMELON SCENT

DGood at behaving badly DFickle flirt DDevious mind

“Geminis have the best sense of humor.” - a Gemini

CANCER

LEO

VANILLA VANITY SCENT DAlways right

“Cancers are the most creative sign.” - a Cancer

“Leos are the best looking sign.” - a Leo

VIRGO

OVERTHINKING

LIBRA

SCORPIO

VINDICTIVE VIOLETS SCENT DBasic sadist

Power glare champ

“Everyone wants to be a Scorpio.” - a Scorpio

“Virgos have it all figured out.” - a Virgo

SAGITTARIUS

WANDERING WHITE TEA SCENT DClass clown

“Sagittarians have the nicest bodies.” - a Sagittarius

December 22 - January 19

EVERY SILVER LINING HAS A CLOUD MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY EVERY DAY I’M HUSTLIN’

BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART BOSSY AF

BECAUSE I READ THE MANUAL MY PAY STUBS ARE LIT

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CONTROL FREEEEEAK

Back:

You are in avid pursuit of wealth and power, but are more grounded than a world traveler on a no-fly list. People like you because you’re filthy rich. And even though your source of income might be considered “iffy,” there’s nothing sexier than a bit of danger and a wad of cash.

CAP-P

PISCES

February 19 - March 20

TIME FOR MY SECOND NAP

STRAY ANIMAL COLLECTOR WILDLY UNDERAPPRECIATED DRINKS LIKE A FISH AMAZEBALLS IDEAS PENCIL MY ALONE TIME IS FOR YOUR SAFETY WILL ACCEPT FLATTERY

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): TOTAL DREAMER

Back:

You have a large capacity for helping those in distress. You are sympathetic to the world’s unfortunate, including every stray animal and helpless soul you meet. People like you because of your unbridled optimism. Might want to keep that in check, though. Collecting parking tickets shouldn’t fondly be referred to as a “hobby.”

AQUARIUS

January 20 - February 18

YOU HAD ME AT REVOLUTION

UP FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING

SPIRITUAL GANGSTA POTENTIAL LIFE COACH AQUARIANS ARE SECRETLY SMARTER

BFF COLLECTOR ENIGMATIC BUT ALSO DRUNK Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WOKE AF

Back:

You have a deep understanding of human nature and would excel at writing straight-to-DVD chick flicks. Your desire to save the whole planet keeps you mindful of doing real work for the people. That said, you’re mostly valued for your non-stop partying and unstoppable quest to obtain the latest everything.

ARIES

March 21 - April 19

I COULD’VE EASILY GONE PRO FIGHT ME

I ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I’M DOING FOR MY NEXT TRICK... NEAR PERFECTION

UNFINISHED PROJECTS PENCIL

WROTE THE 1ST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): 100%

Back:

You are a natural competitor with very little patience for whiners. You’re a doer, not a dreamer and are not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. People like you because you look hot in shorts. This is the year to take your shower singing act on the road.

AQU-P ARI-P

TAURUS

April 20 - May 20

INFLEXIBLE BECAUSE I’M RIGHT WHO WERE YOU JUST TEXTING?

I NEED MORE MIDDLE FINGERS

I HEARD THERE WOULD BE CAKE

JUST CALL ME DICTATOR FOR SHORT TREAT YO’SELF IS ON MY FAMILY CREST

CHAMPAGNE GOES WITH EVERYTHING

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): CLASSY AF

Back:

You are extremely reliable and protective of loved ones. Both loyal and committed, you have a stick-to-itive-ness that others admire and you ensure there’s never a single drop left in the bottle of Dom Perignon. People like you because you appreciate the finer things in life and can party hard without a single hair out of place.

TAU-P

CANCER

June 21 - July 22

CANCERS HAVE ALL THE FEELS

PROFESSIONAL INTROVERT

I’M FINE!

NO OFFENSE, I JUST DON’T LIKE PEOPLE

I’M STABBING YOU IN MY MIND

BECAUSE I ONLY NEED ONE FRIEND

I’M JUST GONNA STAY HOME TONIGHT

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): GHOSTING MASTER

Back:

You’re no stranger to thumb-sucking, but you’re not a total pushover, either. It’s just that you have all those FEELINGS and it sometimes makes you need hugs more than most. People like you as much for your creativity as they do for your desire to day drink under an afghan and watch Snapped marathons with your bestie.

CAR-P

GEMINI

May 21 - June 20

VODKA IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL

I MADE MEMES BEFORE IT WAS COOL

I DON’T WANT TO GOSSIP, BUT... WAIT TIL YOU MEET MY OTHER PERSONALITY

I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID 10 MINS AGO GEMINIS ARE LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

I’M NOT SUPERFICIAL, JUST REALLY INTO LOOKS

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): WORLD CLASS FLIRT

Back: You are a natural flirt and tend to seek out mentors in the form of wise-ish (and sexy) bartenders. In terms of introvert and extrovert, you tend to swing both ways, depending on the day… or cocktail. And even though you’ve been called “out there” on more than one occasion, people like you because you’re the good kind of crazy.

GEM-P

LEO

July 23 - August 22

LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! BUT LET’S GET BACK TO ME DID SOMEONE SAY JELLO SHOTS? LEOS HAVE THE MOST STALKERS EVEN YOUR MOM LOVES ME

SPOON-FEED

ME COMPLIMENTS

MY AURA SHOOTS RAINBOWS & GLITTER

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): HELLO GORGEOUS

Back: You are extremely charismatic and irresistible to most everyone you meet. You are generally the only person in the room who counts—and you know it. It’s not your fault you were born for such greatness. People like you almost as much as you like you.

LEO-P

VIRGO

August 23 - September 22

I COUGHED NOW I’M DEAD LIST-MAKING PENCIL LET ME OVERTHINK THAT THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF ME

I EXCEL IN RANDOM WORST-CASE SCENARIOS

SCHEDULING AN IMPROMPTU PARTY! VIRGOS FOLD TOWELS PERFECTLY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): NOBODY’S PERFECT (EXCEPT VIRGOS)

Back:

You are cautious and careful when sober, and tend to only let loose during pre-planned events. You have a firm grasp on the number of drinks both you and anyone else has ever had, and prefer to be in charge of the designated driver list. People like you because you look like a sexy professor and always have all the answers.

VIR-P

SCORPIO

October 23 - November 21

CHECKMATE.

WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? REVENGE IS BEST SERVED CONSTANTLY TWIRLING MY INVISIBLE MOUSTACHE EVIL MASTERMIND

BEST FRENEMIES FOREVER PROFESSIONAL STALKER

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): FIERCE AF

Back:

You are passionate and fierce and do not suffer fools gladly. You have the ambiance and appeal of a leather-clad supervillain and tend to keep your own entourage in tow. People like you because you always have the best ideas for revenge.

LIBRA

September 23 - October 22

THANKS FOR NOTHING

I’M SORRY I SAY SORRY ALL THE TIME

I’M DATING SOMEONE BUT WE CAN TEXT IT’S NO PROBLEM!!!! EASILY DISTRACTED...

WHY CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG?

PRETTY PETTY, BUT STILL PRETTY Selfie Pencil (Backwards): ADORABLE AF

Back:

You’re a lover of art and all things beautiful and intellectual. That’s why you always date hotties with graduate degrees. Not one to enjoy alone time, you are at your best when in a solid relationship, or at least a decent one-night stand. People like you because you tend to agree with everything.

LIB-P

SAGITTARIUS

November 22 - December 21

I EXIST, THEREFORE TACOS

VOTED MOST LIKELY TO LIVE IN A TENT LOL WHY R U SO SERIOUS?

I NEED TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE I DON’T DO FAKE

RANDOM THOUGHTS SQUAD

Selfie Pencil (Backwards): MENTALLY SINGLE

Back: You are wild and free and enjoy traveling to the far ends of the earth with your band of merry mischiefmakers. Not one for long-term goals or commitments, you tend to disappear in the middle of the night for spur-of-the-moment road trips. People like you because you always have the good party favors.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

Old-School Matchbooks

The Whiskey River Matchbook was first identified from fossils discovered in Amazonian caves and was believed to be extinct until 2018, when a single specimen was spotted in a Nebraska cornfield. While a handful of other matchbooks would be documented in the following years, by late 2022 the species was listed as critically endangered. The prospects for survival were bleak, but thanks to intensive conservation efforts and a very generous grant from the government of Mauritius, the great Whiskey River Matchbook has made a successful comeback in ecosystems across North America.

The Original Matchbooks

Be the envy of your friends and neighbors! Make your enemies weep and your gal swoon with our original set of 16 matchbooks. Perfect for lighting candles, fireworks, and those pesky family photos cluttering up your living room.

MAT-A Matchbook Set A 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.

Vintage-Style Matchbooks

Need a laugh? And a light? Look no further than our set of 16 vintage-style matchbooks. Sure, you knew modern businesses were selling a bunch of wacky goods and services, but did you know you could get a hatchback taco all the way back in ’54? I sure didn’t.

MAT-B Matchbook Set B 64-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.

Step right up and get your very own matchbox. Sixteen trendy styles to choose from! Follow your dreams and attend The Institute of Self Loathing, plan a trip out to National Embarrassment with the kids, or just curl up on the sofa with another episode of Uncle Podcast. You’ll love what these (fake) businesses are selling.

MAT-C Matchbox Set C 48-pack of matchboxes in counter-top display. Made in Japan.

What The Fuck? Matchbooks

Yeah you read that right. An F-Bomb right at the top of the page, and in bold font too! We know some people might prefer we censor ourselves, but we all had a meeting and decided those people can all fuck off. Our bitchin’ new matchbooks have earned it, just have a gander below and see for yourself. It’s a fact that everyone loves the F-word these days (except the people we told to fuck off earlier). From the sage advice of “Let That Shit Go,” to the kid-friendly “Don’t Even Fuck With Fire,” there’s something here for everyone and their meemaw.

MAT-F1

Matchbook Set F1 60-pack of 20-strike matchbooks in counter-top display. Made in USA.

Light a blunt & chill the fuck out.

calm the fuck down

Really tho, what the fuck?

SOMETHING I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK YOU.

Retro Stripe Candles

Three words: Retro. Stripe. Candles. Need I say more? Exactly. So put down your scrapbook, pick up the phone, and call Whiskey River Soap, ’cuz these beauties are gonna go fast.

Retro Stripe Candles: Soy wax candle in a half-pint paint can with retro label. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3″ H. Net weight: 8 ounces. Sold in 4-packs.

TRUST

BALANCE

HOPE

Emergency Ambiance Candles

Hey, know what this situation is severely lacking? That’s right. AMBIANCE. And boy have we got the perfect travel candle tins to give any emergency a little more aura!

Emergency Ambiance Candles: 100% soy wax scented with fragrance oils. Burn time: 4 one-hour emergency burns. Comes with “Emergency Ambiance” pack of matches under lid. Stainless steel tin size: 3 ⅛″ D × 1 ⅛″ H. 15 different 3-ounce candle styles sold in 4-packs.

Bring your own ambiance.

You may have noticed we’re a little obsessed with matchbooks here (and frankly, what kind of self-respecting “emergency” candle wouldn’t include a matchbook anyway?) so each Emergency Ambiance candle tin comes with one under the lid. Use it to light the candle, or don’t. Whatever.

WTF Candles

Our 100% soy wax candles aren’t the most polite on the shelf, but as we all know, they won’t stay on the shelf for long. Like it or leave it, profanity is fuckin’ hot. So buy these precious and delicious-smelling pastel candles featuring your grandma’s favorite F word!

WTF Candles: Soy wax candle. Burn time: 40 hours. Size: 2 ¾″ D × 3 ½″ H. Sold in 4-packs.

Saul here: don’t forget the matches to go with your Taint candle. And remember, always play with

Anti-Cursing Paint Can Candles

If there’s one thing we love here at Whiskey River Soap, it’s dropping F-bombs like they’re going out of style. (Which they aren’t, by the way.) But we recognize that some folks out there like to keep it a little more, shall we say, PG-13. These candles are for them. And for everyone, dang it!

Anti-Cursing Paint

Can Candles: 12-ounce hand-poured soy wax candles in paint cans designed with mid-century style labels. Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 50 hours. 4 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.

Vintage-Style Paint Can Candles

They’re the candles you didn’t know you needed… until right this second! These soy candles in vibrant vintage-style cans will make you think you just opened a fresh can of really great-smelling paint.

Vintage-Style Paint Can Candles: 12-ounce soy wax candles handpoured into paint cans designed with vintage-style labels . Candle can size: 3 ¼″ D × 3 ⅞″ H. Burn time: 50 hours. 9 different paint can candle styles sold in 3-packs.

Liquid Castile Soap

BUMPS

D 6 PM: I’m frickin’ starving!

D 6:05 PM: I can’t eat.

D 1 AM: I’m frickin’ starving!

Mmmmmm...

Smell that? Yeah, nothing except maybe clean paint and a hint of chocolate chip cookie air freshener. No cat pee, spoiled milk, or the unmistakable stench of sadness. So huff on that baggage-free lifestyle for as long as you can because you’ll be back to wallowing in your own filth soon. New homes are only new for so long.

Why are you so thick?

Boy, are you terrible at taking hints. When I started responding to all your inane questions with random non-sequiturs, you didn’t flinch. When I quit looking you in the eye, nada. And when I screamed “leave me the F alone!” at the top of my lungs, you fled the room but went on a texting spree. And that’s why I hopped on a bus to Alaska. Bye!

Oh this?

No, this is just a lil’ beer belly that will end up wrecking my body and taking over my life for the next 18 years, not to mention all the incontinence and insatiable desire for lukewarm milk. No clue why people are so fond of the little buggers. I guess we’ll just see how I feel when this thing finally decides to pop out and say hello to the world.

TRENDY TERRARIUM SCENT LEAVE ME ALONE TEA SCENT

PICKLES & ICE CREAM SCENT

BAD ATTITUDES

SCENT

BESTIES

GRAPE HARD SELTZER SCENT

BIRTHDAY BLUES

SAD BIRTHDAY CAKE SCENT

D I never get carded anymore

D And I’m STILL 21. Pinky swear.

D Will you stop counting already?

Are you still here?

I thought perhaps my lack of eye contact and general disinterest may have clued you in. But here you are, still standing in front of me with your half-baked motivational sound bites and cheesy grin. No, I’m not going to be a “team player” and be more “pleasant to Tim” and stop “drinking on the job.” What is this, a Cub Scout jamboree?

Let’s unpack this. And by that, I mean let’s unpack everything. I have sooooooo many things I need to tell you since I last saw you twelve hours ago. And nobody else understands my bitching the way you do! We’ve got our own girl gang and we don’t need any new members. So drink up, buttercup. ‘Cuz we’re not doing this sober.

Who you calling old?

Not me, pal. I’m 21. I’ve been 21 for years and I’m not about to make any abrupt changes now. Hey! Put that fancy calculator away. Don’t you know I still shop at Forever 21? It’s called that for a REASON. Now buy me a shot and shut your trap.

CYNICAL CITRUS

CAFFEINE ADDICTS CALM THE F DOWN CAT PEOPLE

COFFEE SHOP SCENT

RAIN STICK SCENT

WARM MILK SCENT

Don’t talk to me before my coffee. I mean it. I need at least a full pot before I can even talk properly. I don’t know exactly how I got here but I’m definitely digging it. Without sporting vibrating knees and jittery teeth, is it really even me at this point? I wear caffeine like a suit of armor. My own personal suit of piping-hot, nutty-flavored, fullblown anxiety.

Calm down. So what if the world is going to hell in a hand basket? It’s like, yoga time. Meditation hour starts now. So pop in those AirPods, crank up the sounds of the rainforest, and reeelaaaax. The Zoom rager starts in two hours and I expect you kegstand ready!

Hairball much?

Your cats are circling the tub, but don’t count on them joining you unless you really are bathing in warm milk. And maybe you are. You cat people are cuh-razy. I should know. I have 14. What? Don’t judge. My house may be full of hairballs and cat toys, but at least they don’t leave the toilet seat up. Most days.

COOL DADS CAT VIDEOS

MARSHMALLOW FLUFF SCENT

D Booze?

D Pills?

D Nope, CATS.

THE COOL AUNT

D Your mom wasn’t always lame

D Here’s 20 bucks

D Wanna sip?

CUSTOM OIL BLEND SCENT

D Mountain bike

D Designer hoodies

D Probably hot

Better than sex. Or at least even with porn. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard. I have a life, okay? I don’t sit around shoving CheezIts down my gullet while watching every cat video uploaded to the Internet, okay? And that’s not just because I’m off gluten. It’s because I’m... hold on. I just need to check out this “Mr. Tiddlywinks Jumps Out of a 2nd Story Window with Balloon” video real quick.

Honey, hand me that bottle? Your auntie needs another top-off. It’s been a week, I tell ya. Honestly, coming over to see my favorite niece and nephew is giving me life right now. I don’t know why your mom complains so much, you two are absolute angels. You know, she wasn’t always this strict. You should’ve seen her in high school, oh my lord, she used to…

Yeah, you know who you are. You’re never going to be your father, no way. That guy was so uptight, and seemed a million years old. You’re more the type who “connects” with his kids, can “drop in” at the skate park, and shops at the same clothing stores as they do. You’re simply the envy of parent pick-up. And yes. You’re probably in a band.

JUICY GOSSIP SCENT

CRAZY BITCHES

MELONS SCENT

D Admit it D Shit is boring without us D Facts.

DAD BODS

TOASTED MARSHMALLOW SCENT

D Pairs well with couch time D Builds unwavering confidence D Bring me another beer

DAY DRINKING

MOJITO SCENT

D Pairs well with daytime TV D Helps pass the time D Seamless segue into nighttime drinking

Don’t make me take my hoops out. I’m literally on the verge of smacking that cheap face off your head. If you don’t come with me right now to the club and down 14 shots of Jäger with me, I’m telling everyone about that night you spent passed out, face-down on the pavement outside the Sheetz drive-thru window, plain cheeseburger in hand.

Real men have curves. And now there’s no reason to feel guilty! Thanks to an incredible development in the “hot guy” category, Dad Bods are officially in; and 21-year-olds are officially into you. So toss out that kale salad and grab another box of Birthday Cake Oreos. At least when things seem gender unfair, you’re still coming out on the winning side.

It’s ten a.m. somewhere. Honestly, Saturdays were made for day drinking. And Sundays. And Fridays and Mondays and Thursdays. But don’t feel guilty about it. It’s exactly like going to brunch, except hold the chicken and waffles. You don’t want all that heavy grease and gluten screwing with your buzz anyway.

SALTY

DIRTY THIRTIES

MARGARITA SCENT

DOG PEOPLE

GRASSY DOG PARK SCENT

DRINKING BUDDIES

DOS MARGARITAS SCENT

Potential. Yep, that’s what you lost when you turned 30. No one will ever give you that easy out again. Face it, you’re never going to be a 20-something millionaire. So now it’s time to buckle down, accept defeat, take that day job, and become an absolute rager every weekend just like the rest of us.

Smells like drool. But you’re used to that, right? In fact, if I had to guess I’d say your dog is probably sitting in the tub with you right now. Not that I blame you. My dog Charlie is tucked in bed with me right now. And we’re wearing matching dog bone jammies.

Meet me after work?

Haha. Like I have to ask. I’ll see you at 5:01 p.m. on our usual stools at our usual spot with our usual drinks. There’s such comfort in rituals. Speaking of rituals, I’m in the bathroom right now Snapchatting you on my fourth break of the day. Only two more breaks and it’s five! Cya soon!

DIRTY

THE FAVORITE CHILD

BETTER CLOTHES SCENT

FEELING GOOD AS HELL

CK-1

SCENT

I’m not one to brag. And that’s just one of the reasons I’m the favorite child. Intelligence, charm, rugged good looks, and modesty. Mom and Dad said they broke the mold when they made me. But I’m not supposed to tell you that. I hear you’re pretty fragile. And that’s why I’m so nice to you! Honestly, you’re so lucky to have me as a sibling.

That’s right.

I do my hair toss, check my nails, baby how you feelin’? Yeah, that song had a moment. But you know what? I’m still feeling good as hell! Might be the booze talking (it is), but I think this year is gonna be my best ever.

THE FIRST CHILD

BRAND-NEW EVERYTHING SCENT

Of course you get your own soap. And it’s only natural that you should get a candle, too. You were first, right? The eldest. The most important. But you’re also the family guinea pig, the one who is always the most responsible, and the one who must succeed at all costs. No pressure there, right?

FUCKING MEETINGS

BOURBON IN MY COFFEE SCENT

FUCKING ZEN

COOL CUCUMBER SCENT

D Mindful shit D Some fucking meditation D Probably a nap

THE FUN UNCLE

BLACK ICE SCENT

D Illegal fireworks D Red Bull D Don’t tell your parents

Meetings.

The icing on the arsenic cake that is any weekday morning, afternoon or evening. And speaking of evenings... didja have to schedule the WebEx for 6:15 p.m. on a Friday, Becky? All to tell me you’d put feedback in the Powerpoint? Because you couldn’t put that in a fucking email? Ok, I’ll text you all my feedback on Saturday at dawn.

Om.

I don’t get it. I’ve been sitting here raking the litter box for the last two hours and I don’t feel anything but annoyed, and frankly, a little nauseous. Whoever said zen gardens are meditative and spiritually healing never met my cat, Bill the Shitter. Yeah, I know. I could buy a “real” zen garden but that would cut into my beer money. And that shit ain’t happening.

“Hey, beer me!”

Just a little something my uncle would’ve said between shouting obscenities at the refs for “cheating” and the other kids for “being morons” at my Little League games growing up. Sure, he always got ejected in the end, but damn, those were the days…

GETTIN’ LIT

UMBRELLA DRINKS SCENT

D Who cares if it’s only Tuesday

D It’ll break up the week

D Let’s do this

GRAMMAR POLICE

JELLY DOUGHNUT SCENT

D Your/you’re

D Their/there/they’re

D Things I’ve just learned since Facebook

I’M TOO SEXY

SEXY SYRUP SCENT

D Too sexy for this soap (candle)

D Too sexy for this shirt

D Too sexy for this syrup

Wait, what’s today?

Oh, hahaha. Like I care. What’re we doing for lunch? Because I just found this adorable little bottle of mezcal under my car seat. That, plus a can of La Croix, and we’re in business! The lunch business, I mean. I do have to get back by 3 for a video conference on “User Engagement Post-Snapchat.” Whatever that means.

Smells annoying. Wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re, thanks to Facebook trolls. Welcome to the club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about everyone else’s grammatical errors. Trust me, you’re still making some.

Too sexy, baby. The truth hurts. At least for this less-sexy-than-me soap. I mean, it’s sexy and all, but not as sexy as moi. In fact, looking around, I’m a little too sexy for my surroundings, and I’m not just saying that because I’m sitting on a scratch-anddent sofa from IKEA and staring at a box of stale Sugar Smacks. But I am watching Scooby Doo so…

INDOOR PEOPLE

BUBBLE BATH BUDS SCENT

INSOMNIA

BLUE RASPBERRY JELL-O SCENT

But it’s raining… Sorry, I don’t do rain. Or snow. Or heat. Unless it’s the absolute most-perfect, bug-free day of they year, I’m staying in. And why not? I’ve got books, heat, AC, food, ice cold drinks, Netflix, social media, hot water, my BED, and my CAT. I’m good to go. I prefer staying in and trash-talking with my rubber duckie, thank you very much.

Off switch. I don’t know about you, but I sure could use an “off switch” for my pesky brain. Especially right around 3 AM every night. And then I’m tossing and turning and worrying about the dumbest shit anyone’s ever heard of. Like, say, writing copy for a soap label. And you know what I think? I think I may just need a lobotomy. You think they sell those at Home Depot?

People suck. That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your vintage stuffed animal collection. But even enjoying your own company requires some ambiance. Ideally from this candle in a non-confrontational ocean blue.

IT’S FINE

PLAIN TAP WATER SCENT

FRICKIN’ TUESDAY

GUM-SMACKING CO-WORKER SCENT

D Wake me up on Thursday D I’m already four coffees in D Yawn.

IT’S 10 AM SOMEWHERE

BREAKFAST PALOMA SCENT

D Me? Have a problem? D Well, maybe… D Just pour me another, ok?

No, really. It’s fine. I’m totally not going to write anything for this soap. It’s fine. I’m sure you’re fine with that. Totally fine. I mean, you only offered me a glass of lukewarm tap water when I came to your party. So it’s fine. Not payback or anything. I’m fine.

Ugggggggh. It’s been a full year since Monday. I swear I can feel each individual cell in my body slowly dying to the beat of that annoying wall clock. And if Glen in the next cubicle doesn’t stop loudly smacking his gum I’m going to write a scathing note about gum chewing and post it on the bulletin board with all my other scathing notes.

Amateur hour. 10 A.M.? Hah! I set my alarm every morning for 5:30 to get the party started. The early bird gets the buzz, as they say. I mean, if you think I’m going to tolerate selling shady car warranties over the phone all day, you better believe I won’t be sober. And as everyone knows, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

KARENS KARMA

SPIKY HAIR STYLING MOUSSE SCENT

LAUGHING BUDDHA SCENT

A MAN’S MAN

BLIZZARD CAMPFIRE SCENT

Good for bear wrasslin’

Doesn’t talk much either

Will drink you under the hand-hewn table

Who let her in here? Damn, we were all just minding our own business at Trader Joe’s and in stormed THIS walking can of hair spray. She startled me so much I dropped my non-dairy oat beverage! It’s the question that keeps haunting us all. No really, who let her in here?

What goes around... Comes around, we hope. And we’re not just talking about tricky STDs here, although, y’know, you reap what you sow. Hey! We didn’t invent karma. You put that good stuff out into the universe and you’re supposed to get it back, whether through good fortune, or limited-time, minimum-purchaserequired Olive Garden coupons.

Smells like Alaska. Or what you imagine Alaska smells like while you’re watching reality TV and eating Cheetos on the recliner. We think it probably smells like wet bear fur and salmon, or a toasty campfire in the middle of a blizzard.

THE MIDDLE CHILD

PURPLE HAZE (GRAPE) SCENT

Who are you again?

The only thing worse than being unnoticed is still being unnoticed when your hair is neon pink and you dress like you’re in the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. And I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Ay caramba.

MILITARY WIVES

CHAOTIC KUMQUAT SCENT

Where are we again?

Pretty sure we were in Seattle yesterday but my phone says I’m now checking the local forecast in Virginia. You know what that means... time to find a new school for the kids! Again. Four cities in six years. And the kids had just figured out where their bedrooms were.

MOM BRAIN

SOGGY CHEERIOS SCENT

Phone in the fridge again.

I used to have functioning brain cells, but that no-good husband of mine screwed me over and now I have feral children instead. If I have to hear, “Mom, he’s hitting me” and, “Call 911!” one more time, I swear to the Grey Goose god... Speaking of which, have you seen my double martini? And the baby? Both in the oven.

OKAY MOMS

SCENT

D Pairs well with nap time D Is also tired of perfect moms D Your kids love you anyway

POOR CHOICES OUTDOOR PEOPLE

SUMMER CAMP SCENT LITTLE DEBBIES SCENT

D Enhances sunsets D Improves the taste of granola D Pairs well with bug spray

D Saying YOLO D Raw oysters D Hooking up with your ex

Congratulations. You’re the world’s okayest mom! I’d get you a mug, but you know I swore off giving gifts years ago after Sue Ellen from high school forgot to publicly wish me a “Happy Birthday” on Facebook and destroyed my love of holidays forever. But let’s face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst. That’s why you’re so great!

Sunsets just get me.

If I’m inside, you can bet I’m thinking of being out. I’m just never more comfortable than when I’m knee-deep in swamps, poison ivy, and cicadas. In fact, I once knitted an entire sweater out of coyote fur and campfire smoke. If you don’t believe me, check my Insta pics. I’m the one with the fierce abs, trail mix, and year-round suntan.

Oh, you’re so perfect. With your “college degree” and your “successful career” and your “bangin’ body” and your... oh, wait a second. Okay. Yeah, you kind of are. But—and let me play devil’s advocate here—have you ever eaten six Chipotle bowls with a side of homemade moonshine and then sent emails to all your exes AND their moms? Didn’t think so..

SIPPY CUP WINE

SHIT SHOWS SLIGHTLY UNHINGED

FIREBALL SHOTS SCENT JELL-O SHOTS SCENT

D I did what?

D So THAT’S how I got that bruise

D It was fun, though, right?

D 20% scary

D Always exciting

D 35% scarier after cocktails

SOCIAL ANXIETY

D I have Ebola

D My hamster ran away

D I just found out I’m a hologram

Welcome to the Shit Show. It’s poorly-produced, but what would you expect? It only took us six shots of Fireball to get here. Tonight, I mean. The shit show of my life needs no lubricant. All I have to do is roll out of bed, avoid the mirror and slink off to my day job to count the hours until it’s happy hour again. And look, it’s almost noon already! See you at the bar.

Unpredictable, but sexy. You have to admit it. There’s just something sexy about an unpredictable person. Excitement. Adventure. Danger. Yeah, okay. The danger thing is a little unsettling. Especially after they’ve had a few cocktails and fourteen jello shots in under an hour. But what the heck. At least you’ll have some good stories to tell come Monday.

I’m *cough* super sick. Otherwise, I would TOTALLY go to your [insert any social event here]. You know how much I love mingling. It’s just that I broke my glass eye again and then I set the waterbed on fire. Silly me, I know. We can catch up later this week... in text.

VODKA VITAMIN WATER SCENT

CANDLE SHI-C

TEACHERS

D IDK, CAN you go to the bathroom?

D Don’t you dare say “Wikipedia”

D I just realized I don’t even like kids

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID

D Grilled foot

D Broken plasma TV D Oaky afterbirth

It’s 4:20 somewhere...

Blaze it! You don’t have to be in Colorado to get stoned; but it kinda helps when you don’t have to buy your grass from the sketchy high school D.A.R.E. officer like the rest of us. Best to keep this candle around for when the boys in blue show up. Its hypnotic shades of green and dank cannabis scent will provide the perfect cover.

It’s a snow day somewhere… But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?

Why is this so hard? That’s what she said! And who is she? The kinda person who has an office and a workspace, that’s who. I mean, what kind of sociopath can create in the same place they conduct business? Hey, I know when I get frustrated, or irritated, or angry—I just smell all my soap and candles. And poof! It goes away, just like that. And that’s what she said.

CANNABIS SCENT

THE TROPHY HUSBAND WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

TRICKED-OUT PORSCHE SCENT PRICKLY PEAR SCENT

ZERO FUCKS

CREAMSICLE SCENT

Sup. See that guy sitting poolside in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon like he doesn’t have a care in the world? Yep, that’s me. Okay, maybe I work two nights a week but I’m telling you, my wife pays all the bills. She’s the breadwinner around here and I’m a-ok with that. You got something to say about it? Too bad. Get back to work, loser.

How do I put this? And how many different ways can I say it before I know you’re truly picking up what I’m laying down? What. The. Fucking. Fuck? And I’m not talking about corrupt governments and the fact that life is just a hologram. I’m talking about those ballet flats you keep trying to make happen. It’s not gonna happen, okay? And toss those wide-leg jeans while you’re at it. You look like a damned clown.

None to give. We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newly-concocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. None to give.

Last Chance Saloon

These beauties are going back in the Whiskey River Vault come this fall. So get ’em while you can. They’ll be gone before you know it.

Duo Candle Air Fresheners

Candle air

with unique scents. Air freshener size: 3 ½″ W × 3″ H; package size: 5 ½″ W × 6 ½″ H. Double-sided, full-color. Sold in

MILITARY WIVES CHAOTIC KUMQUAT

REDHEADS

Half-Pint of Magic Candles

¾″

INSTANT STARDOM

INSTANT KARMA

Liquid Castile Hand Soap

All-natural and organic castile liquid hand soap scented with organic essential oils.

Bottle size: 2 ¼″ D × 6 ¼″ H. 8-ounce net weight. Sold in 4-packs.

The Boring Stuff

ORDER MINIMUMS:

First order: $200 minimum, any combination of current Whiskey River products.

Re-orders: $150 minimum, any combination of current Whiskey River products.

PAYMENT TERMS:

New accounts: Prepaid via check, money order, cash, or credit card.

Established accounts: Net 30.

CONDITIONS OF CREDIT:

All orders must be paid no later than 30 days from date shipped. A credit limit will be placed on your account. If your account exceeds this limit, pre-payment may be required. Customer shall pay Whiskey River Soap Company all costs, expenses, legal and collection fees as incurred in enforcing the terms and conditions as allowed by law.

PAYMENT:

Company check, money order, cash, credit card, PayPal, or ACH bank transfers

SHIPPING:

Orders shipped via UPS Ground unless otherwise specified. Freight charges will be determined at time of shipping and will be added to each invoice. All domestic freight charges are capped at 15% of the wholesale order total. All shipments will be charged the actual freight

cost of the order(s). Rates and service subject to change at any time at the sole discretion of Whiskey River Soap Company.

CLAIMS:

Any claims for damaged or mis-shipped items must be made within 7 days of receipt of merchandise by notifying your sales rep. Claims must be supported with photos of product, tracking number, and outer carton.

RETURNS:

Returns are not accepted for any merchandise unless items are damaged or mis-shipped. For damaged or mis-shipped items, a return authorization number is required and must appear on all related correspondence. All returned merchandise must be received within 30 days of receipt of merchandise and be in 100% resalable condition for credit. A 25% restocking fee will be deducted for items received in poor condition and/or received beyond the 30-day return window. Return freight is the responsibility of the customer and must be prepaid by the customer.

PRICING:

All prices are subject to the real object and may change without notice. This catalog and corresponding order form’s pricing supersedes all others. Current prices are effective from January 1, 2023.

A NOTE ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS :

Soap and candles are perishable. Treat them as you would chocolate or a wounded kitten. They must be stored in cool, dry conditions to maintain optimum shelf life. Do not place products in direct sunlight or leave in warm, humid environments like a hot car or a Brazilian discotheque.

FYI:

Some of our candles have slightly revised copy on the labels because silly lines about “lathering up” don’t make a lick of sense on a candle and we adhere to a stringent 20% rule about making sense.

FURTHERMORE:

All our soaps and candles are handmade, so no two look exactly alike. Expect some deviation.

INGREDIENTS:

Some of our soaps contain a few extras, like glitter. The basic ingredients (printed on each label) are: coconut oil, palm oil, safflower oil, glycerine, purified water, sodium hydroxide, sorbitol, sorbitan oleate, soy bean protein, coloring, and fragrance.

A FINAL WORD:

Thanks for reading this far. Now you’re my friend and you can’t take it back. See ya at my next bris. Oy!