THEY, THEM, THEIRS …

Eliminating the stigma surrounding gender diversity

By Molly Absolon

Alex was 13 when they first told their parents they might be gay. Six months later, Alex asked Sarah and Steve to use “they/them” pronouns, saying they identified as nonbinary or genderqueer. Currently, a few years later, they are self-identifying as transfeminine or trans.

“It’s a journey, not a straight line,” Sarah says. “It’s been an exploration; they’re trying on different identity terms. But just because those terms have changed, the process, the exploration, the search for who they are is very real. Our child does not fit into the binary gender system. The term they use to express themselves is not as important as it is to understand and embrace our child for who they are.”

Most of today’s parents came of age at a time when no one talked much about gender identity or sexual orientation, so the conversations happening among today’s youth can make older generations feel out of touch, ignorant, and maybe a little threatened.

As recently as 20 years ago, things were pretty black and white: you were male or female, and either hetero or homosexual, at least according to societal norms in the U.S. Today, that has changed.

Younger people are helping to drive a shift away from binary thinking about gender. A 2015 Fusion Millennial poll found that of 1,000 people between the ages of 18 and 34 questioned, 50 percent believed gender is a spectrum, and that some people fall outside conventional categories.

“Gender diversity has always been a part of humanity,” says Lewis Smirl, a Jackson therapist at Teton Wellness Affiliates. “The data is really strong across cultures and history, as far back as the human record goes. Gender fluidity was often celebrated, and in many cultures it still is.”

That history doesn’t make it easy for parents faced with a questioning child, whether that child is exploring their own gender identity or wondering about things they’ve heard or seen at school. Sarah and Steve said they weren’t that surprised by Alex’s announcement that they were genderqueer, but they also weren’t sure what they were supposed to do. So, they did what any loving parent would do when confronted with an issue they didn’t fully understand: They started reading. They looked for a therapist. They sought out support.

* All names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals and their families.

“When your child is depressed, anxious, having outbursts, and not sleeping or eating, you feel like a terrible parent,” Steve says. “You feel helpless. There’s no road map for this.”

Language

The LGBTQIA+ acronym is a mouthful and seems to be constantly evolving, or growing. Part of the shift in labels reflects a shift in understanding. Terms are added to capture different experiences along the gender spectrum. But this constant language evolution can be confusing.

The important thing is to try to understand and use language in a respectful, open way. If in doubt, ask. If you find it hard, practice. Language has power and can shape the way people feel about themselves and each other.

Alex faced bullying and intimidation because of their nontraditional gender expression. They said they were terrified to go to school. But they were also a teenager, acting out, misbehaving. At times it was hard for Sarah and Steve to know what was related to Alex’s gender identity, and what was just regular adolescent angst. But it was becoming clear that school was not a safe or welcoming place for their child.

“We kept insisting that they go to school without realizing how much anxiety it caused,” Steve says. “In retrospect there are three things I wish I’d known. One: Don’t force them to go to places they don’t feel safe, including school. … Until our schools become safe and truly welcoming places, sending our gender-diverse kids there may risk their mental health.”

“Two: A llow for self-expression,” he says. “We came to realize that what our child wears and their personal sense of style is not something we should be trying to control. Like everyone else, they should be entitled to selfexpression that feels good and natural to them.

“And three: G et over the pronoun problem. Whatever someone wants to call themselves, let them. Why does it matter?”

Not all people are as accepting as this family.

As the current political climate shows, many are disturbed by what they see as a kind of contagion of socially de viant behavior. But Jackson therapist Cheyenne SyvertsonHagestuen (Teton Wellness Affiliates) pushes back against labeling gender fluidity as something new or abnormal.

“We’re seeing more because it’s something that is opening up,” Syvertson-Hagestuen says. “It’s something people are allowed to express in ways that we weren’t, or I was not, when we were young. For some people it feels as if there are suddenly so many genderdiverse youth and kids that we didn’t have before, but we did. It was there. It’s always been there. People were just coming out later in life, living dual lives, or perhaps never coming out at all because it wasn’t safe.”

“It’s normal and developmentally appropriate for children to explore and wonder about their gender,” she says. “If your child is exploring their gender, that is ok, and you can best support them by saying, I’m here for you. I believe you, I trust you, and I support you.