Generic Scenario
HEY! I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU AROUND IN A WHILE. HOW’VE YOU BEEN?
sigh NOT VERY GOOD.
MY SO-CALLED BOYFRIEND IS BEING A TOTAL ASSHOLE.
HE GOT FIRED FROM HIS JOB, HE BEAT UP MY DAD, DESTROYED MY FAVORITE CHAIR, CRASHED MY CAR, TOLD ME I’M FAT AND UGLY, CALLED ME A DIFFERENT GIRL’S NAME DURING SEX, KILLED MY CAT, MOWED OVER MY FLOWER GARDEN, AND HE SMELLS.
LAME.
WHY DON’T YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM?
BUT I
HIM.
90• Jim Hill
My neighbor is addicted to crack.
I know this because my grandma is his dealer.
Another time I saw him selling himself on the corner.
His wife used to turn tricks for crack money before she died.
my crackhead neighbor
Once I saw him smoking in the hallway.
One day I caught him trying to jack a bunch of my shit.
so I shot him.
No one misses my crackhead neighbor.
Caffeine•91
Worst Night Ever I gotta go, hon. Working early.
Later.
You gonna call me, Rasputin?
Of course.
Shit! I forgot to get her number. How the fuck am I supposed to call her now?
what the fuck happened to you, Dorian?
92• Jim Hill
YOU FUCKER!
This has been one of the worst nights of my fucking life. I never shoulda left my bed.
It all started when I was drinking my morning coffee at about 3 in the afternoon. My roommates come in all yellin’ and pissed off and shit.
Later that night I ran into my ex-girlfriend Tanya at a party. She had some interesting news.
They’re screaming at me, calling me a backstabbing asshole and cursing my mother’s name. So I was forced to knock them the fuck out.
I have a week to move.
Dorian, I’m pregnant.
I think you’re the father.
I have something important to tell you.
I was (kind of) fucking her on the side. Come to think of it, I’ll bet that’s why my roommate hates me. I think he’s dating her. Oh well. Fuck it.
My jaw just hit the motherfuckin’ deck.
WAITAMINUTE! How is that possible. You two’ve been broken up for a while.
Anyways...
I proceeded to get shithouse fucking wasted.
Caffeine•93
When I was walking home these guys drove by me in in a monster truck
I gotta go. Solo mission.
As they passed they yelled some ignorant nonsense at me to the effect of... HEY FAGGOT! NICE HAIR FUCKWAD!
YOU GOT A PROBLEM, ASSHOLES?!
Not thinking too clearly, I decided to yell back at them.
‘Course I have been hanging here for about three hours. Thinking a whole lot clearer now.
The monster truck screeched to a halt and three hulking football player jock types got out with full intentions of kicking my ass.
Come get some! I was ready armed with my trusty tennis racket.
94• Jim Hill
Unfortunately my drunken ass was no match for the jock o’ rama warriors.
They cut my hair off and duct taped me to this tree.
By the way, I don’t suppose you could get me down.
Then they busted out the scissors. 6 PAINFUL MINUTES LATER
At least they spared my racket.
If you really want me to, but with all this tape and shit it’s not going to be pretty.
Y’know, your hair doesn’t look too bad cut short like that. Great.
You need a lift home? That’d be nice. Thanks.
So what’ve you been up to tonight?
at Dorian’s house
I uh, I got laid. HA! HA! HA!
Oh. uh, sorry.
Wanna come in for a beer?
Wonder what’s on TV? I need something to get my mind off this shit.
Sure.
Hm.
Caffeine•95
Can you get me to think about something else for a little while?
I saw your sister last week.
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BY GIVING ME EVEN WORSE NEWS THAN I’M ALREADY DEALING WITH? WOW! I’M SO GLAD WE’RE FRIENDS.
She’s turnin’ tricks now. Hey I just figured you’d want to know. Gee, thanks.
She always was a wild one. Remember how we found out about your sibling’s illustrious career in the sex industry.
How the fuck could I forget?
I’m actually not that surprised.
BACK IN THE DAY
I can’t believe you never did this.
Nah, I never did this on my 18th birthday.
96• Jim Hill
Shit it’s legal. Why not? When you turn 18 you can vote, go to war, and buy porno,cigarrettes and lotto tickets.
Everything else stays the same, so I might as well celebrate my new freedoms.
One lotto ticket, a pack of Old Golds and a copy of CHICKS pa-leeez!
You sure can, you silly bastard.
There’s no need to get snippy son.
Can I check your ID?
I’m LEGAL baby!
You win millions?
Just a free ticket.
Fuck it.
Here’s your smokes. Onward to porno.
Woo who.
It’s my fucking sister.
Spread eagle beagle.
Caffeine•97
THIS IS NO JOKE, RASPUTIN!
LOOK AT THIS!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Oh who am I kidding? I hate to be the one to break it to you but your sister’s smokin’ hot. maybe she just wants to share it with the world.
You act like I’m suppsed to be happy that my sis is posing for nudie mags.
What if it was YOUR sister, or your mom? Sandra ran away from home when she was fourteen and the last I’d heard of her was when we saw her in “CHICKS” magazine.
98• Jim Hill
At least you should be able to get a family discount now, or maybe if you’re really lucky A FREE SUBSCRIPTION!
Go fuck yourself.
I thought about trying to find her and talk some sense into her, but I just figured it was her life and it was her decision to make.
There’s no way I could possibly feel worse right now.
Now she’s a full blown prozzy givin’ up the nappy dugout for money!
I fucked her once in high school.
Worst Night Ever My life has definitely hit an all-time low.
END END
Caffeine•99
I’m Carson, and this is the coffee shop I frequent.
I like here A) because they have good fuckin’ coffee.
B) My buddy Louie works there and gives me free ice cream.
And C) There are a ton of cute girls that hang out there.
Unfortunately, a bunch of smelly hippies also hang out there.
Most these motherfuckers don’t have jobs so they sit out in front and pan handle for coffee money.
They all wear these stupid hats. I really have no idea what’s wrong with them all. Too much brown acid I guess.
I get really fucking tired of putting up with their bongos and singing and other bullshit day after day.
stupid hats
100• Jim Hill
One day this guy was sitting outside the coffee shop playing a guitar and singing badly.
So I smashed his guitar over his head. That got his dumb ass to shut the hell up.
Another time, some dude said some shit about my shirt I didn’t like.
I schooled that fool.
After a while the hippies became scared of me and would avoid confrontation.
The hippies decided to join forces and take me out.
Fortunately, the staff was on my side.
The hippies don’t hang out here anymore.
Caffeine•101
I didn’t even think anything interesting was going to happen to me last night.
love to love you
Things started off pretty average. Closed the cafe at about 10pm, drinkin’ brews with Alex.
He busts out a phat blunt and we’re smokin’ it and he’s like... There’s a new club opening tonight.
Wanna check it out?
We get there and there’s a huge crowd outside and it costs a fucking arm and a leg to get in.
When we finally do get inside I’m instantly swimming in a sea of people.
Why not?
I’m not usually into clubbing and all that but it was Saturday night. I guess that makes it all right. A good night to wipe my feet on the rhythm rug, I thought. The beat is in overdrive and I’m making my way to the dancefloor when Alex sez...
I’m off in search of hard drinks and harder drugs.
102• Jim Hill
He disappears into the crowd but I don’t give a fuck because I’m playing eye games with this fly betty from across the way.
We dance for a while then head upstairs for a drink.
The night couldn’t have gone any better.
We’re talking like we’ve known each other our whole lives and shit and I’m not even sounding like an asshole or a mack.
Just cool. We strolled around the city, talking, holding hands and kissing tenderly.
And she’s so fucking gorgeous I can’t get over it. We stay for a few more rounds then bail that scene.
It was picture fucking perfect.
Then we eventually ventured back to my apartment.
We made love until the sun came up.
Caffeine•103
So here it is, the next morning and she’s in my arms, sleeping like a new born baby.
When she finally does, the first thing she said to me is... Who the hell are you?
I’m so fucking in love with her I’m like on a rollercoaster and shit. All that was racing through my mind is, what the fuck’s gonna happen when she wakes up. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. I proceeded to explain myself, bring her up to date and all that. I should’ve just shut the fuck up and let it rest.
She started to remember and flashed a tiny little smile. That made me feel a little better.
Then I did the dumbest thing I could’ve ever done in that situation.
My name is Hughes.
I opened my big mouth.
Y’know, I’ve never had a better time with any other girl than I had last night with you Lynda. You’re incredible. I can’t even believe it. You’re smart, beautiful, considerate and DAMN, do you have a bootie that just won’t quit.
104• Jim Hill
What I’m trying to tell you Lynda, is that I LOVE YOU.
What?
Oh no. You’re kidding right?
Oh god, this isn’t happening.
Hughes, you barely even know me. I don’t even live around here.
I really just wanted to have fun last night and I DID . You’re a great guy and I’m sure you’ll make SOME girl happy someday...
I live back east. I’m only here for a few days visiting family. My cousin suggested we go out to some new club and that’s where I met you.
I’m sorry if I misled you but I live really far away, man. And I have a boyfriend back home too.
Hughes? Are you OK? Say something.
WAIT! No, that came out wrong. I just mean that me and you wouldn’t work and I just really hope...
Hughes?
SAY SOMETHING HUGHES!
Caffeine•105