ION HOMOSCOPES

TAURUS April. 21 - May 20

Mars loves to stir up trouble causing arguments. But the good news is this: you might get a puppy! Or a kitten! Or a fire breathing dragon! (But probably a puppy or a kitten.)

GEMINI May 21 - June 21

Let the good times roll! Mercury and Venus say, “Put on some lipstick and pour yourself a drink!” Birthday Gems enjoy plenty of diversions since Jupiter gives you a Diana Ross Costume Change for the next year!

CANCER June 22 - July 22

Mercury says this a good time to recharge your batteries. You’re feeling more confident at work and with friends, but don’t be a bossy bitch. Birthday Crabs can look for mo’ money and mo’ emotions.

LEO July 23 - Aug. 22

Mars is in overdrive. You’ve got charisma. You have a way of seducing others around you. As a matter of fact, I want to go to bed with you. Now. Right now. Let’s go.

VIRGO Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

The Full Moon puts you to work. Are you up for it? But get ready for The Big Moment – the New Moon on the 18th has you sharing your story with a big audience. Everything is changing. It seems scary, but it isn’t. That’s good!

LIBRA Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

Looking to meet influential people? Mars will guide you. Look at the big panoramic picture. It’s all about meeting VIPs. Mercury says, “Goals.” And watch your mouth.

SCORPIO Oct. 23 - Nov.23

You’re thinking about doing something unconventional. Not anything weird. Don’t be impulsive. Frustrated? Mars says, “Exercise. Or have sex.” Sex is more fun. Trust the stars on this one.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Big, fat Jupiter (we’re not planetary body shaming) brings clarity to dayto-day stuff. Everything is on the level with lots o’ lunar love on the 19th. Venus sees you experimenting in the sack. Just be choosey who you experiement with.

CAPRICORN Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Expect a cosmic martini – shaken, not stirred. Just chillax with your bestie or someone special while Saturn plays therapist and wants you to do some introspection. Wrap up the Past because guess what? The Future is now, baby.

AQUARIUS Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Want the good news? Okay. The Sun has you feeling flirty. Even a little slutty. (The cosmos r3efuse to slut shame!)

The bad news? Well, Venus and Pluto duke it out and you’ll be facing a full personality revolution. You’ll survive.

PISCES Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

You’re good at maintaining control. But something’s fishy. Saturn and Neptune are doing some weird retrograde crap. Focus. Choose reality over fantasy and delusion; it’ll be just as fun.