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“Catching Illness” Josh Depew
Sundays were the worst days. All week I was afraid of Sunday. And when Sunday was finally over, I started being afraid of the next one. Sundays were the days that our dad beat us the hardest. He had an old horse whip, I’m not sure where he got it. He said it kept us in line. On Sunday, staying in line was all about going to church and reading the bible and nothing else. And there was something about Sunday, the way he would take us out back. I think he did it because he had to. Whenever he’d grab one of us in a rage and take us out back my mom would yell out, “Not too hard, Henry!” and he wouldn’t answer. I remember always hearing her voice right before the screen door slammed. We went to the type of Church that taught predestination. Some people were going to heaven and some people were going to hell and there was nothing you could do to change it. There was no way to know, really, but really, you knew. Dad knew he was predestined for heaven. And so did the pastor and all the other elders of the parishthey all knew. How could they be pastor and elders if they weren’t predestined for heaven? Well I believed it with all my heart and I was sure that I was going to hell. Sometimes I thought about this fact, at night, that I was going to hell. I would put my face into my pillow and cry silent tears. I would let my face get all soaked with that knowledge. It wasn’t fair. I wondered why some people got to go to heaven and me not? I imagined myself falling down a deep tunnel and the light at the top moving further and further away. I imagined being away from everyone forever. I imagined my dad and the other elders and some of the other kids from the church all together in heaven talking about how I hadn’t made it and shaking their heads. Sometimes I told myself that I didn’t know for certain I was going to hellno one knew. How could I know? But then my brain kicked those thoughts out. Or my dad beat them out of me. I know afterwards I always felt the worst, after a beating, I alway felt the dirtiest.
Our dad wanted to make sure that we had short hair always. I wanted to grow it out, but he brought in the electric buzzer and went to town and we didn’t have a chance. He cut it nice and short
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so everything was there to see. Everyone saw that little bald spot on my forehead where I had fallen off the bed when I was too young to remember. Everyone saw the bumpy way that my head was shaped and I didn’t like it at all. No one else had to show off their heads, just us kids. Every time he came in with the buzzer I’d yell out “Not so short!” and he wouldn’t answer. Cutting was always a quiet time for him. He let the buzzer talk for him. So the three of us always had short hair. We were three skinny boys with buzz cuts, and we looked like Jews out of a concentration camp. Sometimes I asked my dad if he had seen any of those Jews in the War. He didn’t answer those questions though. He never seemed to answer any questions, though he told us a lot. When he talked about being in the war, he always talked about the drills and the drill sergeant. He talked about how they had to obey orders and keep their hair cut and not have tattoos or they’d be disciplined. And he told how if they tried to be a coward and run in the fighting their own sergeant would order them shot on the spot. Cause you can’t have cowards in with the real men. Whenever he told us things, there was a lesson. When he told us about the soldiers, he wanted us to be like soldiers, I think. He’d say that we could learn a thing or two from the army and I think he intended us all to enlist. At least me and Dan. He probably wouldn’t bother with my brother Mike, who probably wouldn't be suitable.
Mike, was a big bookworm, the biggest of all of us. He would spend all his money on books and he would smuggle them into his room and hide them under the mattress. One day my dad found them and he threw them all outside in the street. My brother Mike wanted to go out and get them but he was too afraid dad would see him. So he let them stay there until they got picked up and thrown away. I’m not sure why dad threw away all Mike’s books. They weren’t dirty magazines or anything. They were just detective stories and superhero comics. I never tried reading the books, but sometimes I would look at the superhero comics. Then I would wish that I had the power of flying or superstrength. If I had superstrength, The next time my dad took me out to beat me I would just knock him down and run away. Sometimes I’d just sit for a long time imagining what I would do if I had superpowers. I would never get beat again. And I’d show what I could do to Sylvia Hoffman at
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school and she’d be so impressed she’d fall for me in a second. I’d protect my brothers when dad was gonna beat them and I’d protect Mike when the other kids at school were stealing his lunch and throwing it in the toilet. Sometimes I’d get so caught up in it I’d forget I was imagining it. Then I would open my eyes and see the old brown wallpaper on the wall and realize that I was just dreaming. Sometimes I’d just start crying, and I’d just lie down on my bed and put my head in the pillow and get the pillow all wet and soggy.
Sometimes dad would go on a rampage. And there was nothing we could do. When he went on a rampage, mom would sometimes go into our bedroom to hide. He’d get set off by something he saw on the TV and he’d throw it down the steps and throw some other things down the steps for good measure. Or he’d get set off at something we were eating and he’d smash the plate in the sink. He never hit mom, not that I know, but she was real scared. And she would walk out when he was looking the other way and she’d go into our bedroom and hide behind the bed. She’d just lie there on the floor in between the wall and the bed in that little space. Maybe she thought he didn’t know it was there and he wouldn’t find her. She just hid in that corner and cried and whenever I saw that I wanted to have superpowers more than anything. I wanted to use them to hurt dad really bad. I wanted to hit him in the sack so hard that he couldn’t walk again. But I couldn’t do any of that. It was best that I run outside and knock on the Mccluster's door. They were two kindly old people and if they were at home, they’d let me come in and watch TV.
Mom didn’t talk much when dad was around. That thought came to me one day. And I don't remember her even talking right to him around us kids. I wonder if she ever talked to him when they were alone. They slept in the bed together I thinkshe must of said something. Well, one day, when the wood burner was on and we were all sitting in the living room, mom was crying and I didn't know why because dad was just sitting across the room, reading a newspaper. She kept looking at him and I don't know what it was her face was doing then. It was something I'd never seen before. At first I thought it was love, and that scared me. I thought she loved him so much it hurt. Then she walked out of the room and dad looked up and followed her.
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I couldn't help it when I saw that. I followed them and listened under the door. And I heard my mom say "it's getting bigger Henry." I knew she was crying. "Feel it please!" I don't think dad would feel it. "Please. Please!" When I heard that I got too scared and snuck away on tiptoes. The idea of something getting bigger scared me too. At first I thought mom was gonna have another baby and it was getting bigger. And I thought we didn't need another brother. But I watched mom for a long time, and I didn't see her stomach change. But mom didn't get any happier. It seemed like she just got worse. And dad didn't come home some nights, which always made me and Mike happy. Mom would let us watch TV and eat TV dinners on those nights. I was always excited when that happened, but not quite as much when I looked over at mom's face. She was just sitting there in that TV light and when I looked over she wasn’t watching the TV, she was watching us. I don't think Mike or Dan knew anything was happening, they hadn't heard mom asking dad to feel the growing thing. And I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it was something. Mom was acting different. Sometimes she would be happy when it was just her and us boys at home, but not these days.
Then one day she made us dinnerchicken, mashed potatoes, corn, and everything. She set the table, but before we sat down she told us “Boys, I’ve gotta leave.” And she walked out of the house. Dad wasn’t home yet so there was no car to drive. So she just went off down the road. Dan and I watched her go from the front door, but Mike ran out after her and started crying. He asked her where she was going and asked her to come back but she told him to go back inside. He kept following her and crying for awhile, but it was getting cold and dark and he got scared and came back into the house. Dad got back soon and asked where mom was. We told him we didn’t know so he went berserk and I think we all started crying then. He took Dan out back and started beating him and then he was about to beat me when he changed his mind and ran out to the truck and drove off. We were all real scared that night so we stayed in our room with the light on. Mike tried to read some but he couldn’t. We didn’t talk much, but we looked out the window here and there to see if dad was back, but he didn’t come back that night.
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Next morning we were too tired and scared to go to the bus stop so instead we went next door to the Mcclusters and Mrs. Mccluster let us in. She asked what we was doing there during schooltime and I told her our mom and dad left. Then she got real serious and turned off the radio and she told us to sit down at the table and she’d make us breakfast. Then she went out of the room and made a phone call and I tried to hear what she was saying but I was too scared to leave the table.
We stayed at the Mcclusters for a few days and mostly watched TV. We still didn’t know what happened. We had to go back and get our clothes and things from our house and not long after we brought them back, I saw dad come driving in and go in the house, probably looking for us. He came out pretty soon and drove off. I hoped that he didn’t know where we’d gone. Then on Friday, Mrs. Mccluster told us that our mom was at the Davis Memorial Hospital in Elkins, and she was gonna take us to see her. So we all got in the back of the pickup and Mr. Mccluster drove. On the way there she told us that our mom was really sick. She had an illness called cancer. The doctors were doing their best, but cancer was a really serious disease. Mike was sitting beside me and his face went all white when he heard “cancer”. He slid down in his seat a little and looked up out the window. I thought he was going to throw up. I asked if cancer was a catching illness and Mrs. Mccluster said no it wasn’t. Mike was still looking pretty bad, his face was so white and I got a little scared for him but I couldn’t do anything to help. It seemed like a really long ride to the hospital, and I think I fell asleep once or twice, but eventually we got there and all followed Mrs. Mccluster in. Mr. Mccluster stayed in the truck. We went into the hospital and then we had to wait for awhile in a white room with gray chairs. I was trying to imagine what mom would look like. I thought she’d probably have big boils on her skin and I started getting afraid to see her. Then a nurse came and brought us down a hallway and into a room. We all went in really quiet because there were a lot of people lying in beds and sleeping. One of them was snoring and another man in the back was crying, I think. The nurse pulled back a curtain and there was mom, lying on the bed under a lot of blankets. Her skin was whiter than ever and clammy and her head was facing away from us on the pillow. I looked around to see if dad was in the room anywhere, but he wasn’t. Then the nurse went over and touched mom on the cheek and said “Dorthy, you have visitors.”
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Mom looked over and saw us and she smiled. Dan and Mike ran over and gave mom a hug, but I couldn’t move. My stomach was all clenched up and I just stood there. Mrs. Mccluster put her hand on my back and gave me a little shove and I took a few steps closer. My mom said “I’m sorry I left you boys. I’m so sorry.” Mike said “It’s okay mom.” He was crying again but his face was all red now instead of white. Dan didn’t say anything. He just stood there and held mom’s hand. Mom looked over at me and said “I just had to come here so the doctors can make sure I get better, okay?” It was a relief when I heard she was getting better. I still wouldn’t give her a hug, though. I was too afraid to go over there. Maybe I didn’t quite believe Mrs. Mccluster when she said cancer wasn’t catching. Mom said thank you to Mrs. Mccluster and whispered something in her ear and then we all went back to the Mcclusters’ house. That night she made us all apple cobbler to cheer us up a little. Then the doorbell rang and it was dad. We were all a little scared and didn’t leave the dinner table. He’d come over to get us I think, but Mrs. Mccluster told him we were staying here. So dad just left.
But that night I looked out the window and saw our house. The light was on so I knew dad was over there. I was scared he would come through the window and pull us all out of our sleeping bags. I couldn’t sleep so I walked out of bed and found Mr. and Mrs. Mccluster. They were at the kitchen table and Mrs. Mccluster was crying. She wiped her tears off when she saw me come in and said “hey honey, what’re you doing up?” I asked “Is mom getting better yet?” She said, “We’ll see honey.” Mr. Mccluster just nodded at me. So I went back into our room. I guess I woke up Mike and Dan because they were both sitting up, watching me. I couldn’t see their faces much but I could tell Mike was scared and he asked “is mom okay?” I just shrugged. Dan said “the doctors are making her better.” I thought so too when I saw her in the hospital, but when Dan said it now in the dark, I wasn’t sure anymore.