Vol 06 Issue 28

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Coco Tanaka makes fun of hippies! (14)

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The woman who gave the '70s the spring in its step talks about life as a lieutenant's moll in the MedellĂ­n cartel By Ron Garmon

Jim Washburn mows his lawn! (07)

Neal Pollack watches chicks barf! (17)

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EDITORIAL

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Editor Rebecca Schoenkopf rebeccas@lacitybeat.com Arts Editor Ron Garmon rong@lacitybeat.com Film Editor Andy Klein andyk@lacitybeat.com Copy Editor Joshua Sindell Editorial Contributors Paul Birchall, Andre Coleman, Michael Collins, Cole Coonce, Mark Cromer, Perry Crowe, Mick Farren, Richard Foss, Matt Gaffney, Andrew Gumbel, Tom Hayden, Bill Holdship, Jessica Hundley, Chip Jacobs, Mark Keizer, Carl Kozlowski, Kim Lachance, Steve Lowery, Wade Major, Allison Milionis, Anthony Miller, Chris Morris, Amy Nicholson, Arrissia Owen Turner, Donna Perlmutter, Joe Piasecki, Neal Pollack, Ted Rall, Erika Schickel, Don Shirley, Kirk Silsbee, Brent Simon, Coco Tanaka, Don Waller, Jim Washburn, Wonkette

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Editorial Interns Heather Price, Daniel Stainkamp, Carman Tse

ART Art Director Paul Takizawa artdirector@lacitybeat.com Web & Print Production Manager Meghan Quinn Advertising Art Director Sandy Wachs Classified Production Artist Tac Phun Contributing Artists and Photographers Bob Aul, Jordan Crane, Scott Gandell, John Gilhooley, Alexx Henry, Maura Lanahan, Gary Leonard, Melodie McDaniel, Joe McGarry, Luke McGarry, Nathan Ota, Ethan Pines, Rosheila Robles, Gregg Segal, Elliott Shaffner, Bill Smith, Ted Soqui

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ADVERTISING Retail Sales Manager Diana James Co-op Advertising Director Spencer Cooper Music & Entertainment Sales Manager Jon Bookatz SF Valley Territory Manager James Kaplan Account Executives Norma Azucena, Daphne Marina, John Metzner, Susan Uhrlass, Carl Wolf Classified Supervisor Michael Defilippo

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News

Letters. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Old News. Steve Lowery asks the immortal question: Dude, Where’s My Gonorrhea? Wonkette’s Weekette! Jesse Helms is dead, hooray! To Serve Man. Jim Washburn would never say that, maybe. Maybe.

Feature

Miss Narco America. Ron Garmon talks to the Cocaine Queen of L.A. circa 1978, when Cocaine Queen of L.A. really meant something. It’s a multitude of cascading rainbows of flavors: catfights, Donna Rice’s Risky Business gal pal, a bust outside Tucumcari, and a cool million strapped to her belly.

Living

Eat. Richard Foss on germanicalifornication at Three Square, plus more beer tastings in Bites! Eco-Topic. Coco Tanaka reviews the Venice Eco-Fest, unveils the phrase “Spin-Art migraine.” The Last Sportswriter. Neal Pollack watches chicks barf on impact. Psycho Sudoku/Jonesin’ Crossword by Matt Gaffney. But can you do them in ink? Real Astrology. Rob Brezsny’s guide to the stars’ homes.

LA&E

Seven Days. Ron Garmon knows what you really, really want. Film. Paul Birchall & Co. guide you through Outfest. Plus New Releases and Special Screenings! Third Degree. Rebecca Schoenkopf talks with portraitist Don Bachardy about his own portrait in Chris & Don: A Love Story. Music. Chris Morris wants to see Buck Owens in the movies, in Sonic Nation. Joshua Sindell breaks down the bands in NightBeat. And Ron Garmon shakes his fist at the nuisance abaters trying to bring down the Knit in Clubland. Comedy. Someone rambles at Paul F. Tompkins regarding his variety show (with Tim Meadows!) at Largo. Also, a whole month’s worth of the funny, in Ha.Ha.Ha. Stage. Don Shirley looks at the many loves of Antonia the Scrivener. Plus Now Playing.

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HURL POWER I Am Not an Animal Regarding Danny Schechter’s “House of Cards,” June 26: Income levels have been static for decades, since the 1970s, however the dollar has been greatly devalued, and living expenses have risen inexorably. First the American family put women to work to make up the difference, then started working longer hours, and finally turned in desperation to credit. When incomes have no chance of rising, but prices continue to, and you cannot afford what you need NOW, why would anyone think they could put it on credit and pay it off later? You’re not going to have more money later, you’re going to have the same or less, and it will be worth less! However, the global credit scam was required to provide the illusion of continued prosperity and income increases to the public, who otherwise would have put intense pressure on the corporate masters to raise wages to livable levels. This was all a premeditated scheme by the Establishment, the ultra-rich and powerful, complicit with our government, to push the middle class back into the lower class, create an unbreachable gulf between the haves and the have-nots, divert the entirety of wealth accumulation into the hands of those who are already wealthy with more money than they know what to do with, and drive the public out of property ownership and investments and into debt and bondage. In short, this is a directed and planned scheme to enslave the public with financial obligations instead of whips and iron chains. The result is the same, the methods more insidious and invisible. Which, among other reasons, is why I never, ever, ever will take debt in the form of credit. I am not a slave. I AM A FREE MAN. You can chain me when I die. –“Chaos Motor” Via lacitybeat.com Blue Fantastic article about the music of Dennis Wilson finally being released [Chris Morris’s “Sonic Nation,” June 26]. He truly captured Dennis’s spirit, and his grasp of his talent and his high praise for this long overdue release completely touched me. See, I shot the photo from the article of Dennis and Christine McVie and this was actually taken the first time those two sat at a piano together ... . Chris wrote that the best songs on Pacific Ocean Blue “reflect an impatience with the world of the flesh, and a desire to know what’s on the other side of earthly experience.” I spent the better part of 18 years chasing around the world with Dennis and his band (a good part

of it somewhere or other along our L.A. coastline), and I’ve waited years for this day to come. However, even I never dreamed of his music receiving such a loving, caring, mind-blowingly magnificent release as this. Thanks to CityBeat and Chris Morris for taking notice. –Ed Roach Via e-mail Pollack, Joke With all the negativity in the world, it’s great to read the upbeat L.A. CityBeat. The Living section had an inspiring story on how crappy Juan Pierre plays baseball [The Last Sportswriter, June 26]. But wait, he actually isn’t a bad player. As a matter of fact, he can field, hit, and steal bases. Now that I think about it, what the hell was the point of that story taking up space in your recent issue except ... to take up space. I would much rather have seen yet another ad about sex. What a piece of work Neal Pollack is, and what a piece of shit his article was. So Neal doesn’t like the Dodgers – fine. Tell him to stop his bitching, and spend time more wisely by improving his craft as a so-called writer and putting out something positive. –Sam Giamendi Via e-mail Kiss the Sky Regarding Rebecca Schoenkopf ’s Commie Girl, July 3: You need to take my Independence Day Challenge at www.pasadenaclosetconservative. blogspot.com, then get down on your knees, kiss the ground of the U.S.A., and thank God that you have the inalienable right to hate the very country that gives you freedom of speech. –“Pasadena Closet Conservative” Via lacitybeat.com

BY STEVE LOWERY

Monday, June 30 This being Independence Day Week, it’s a good time to take stock of those things that make us grateful to be Americans. Me? I’m grateful for this story I found in the Long Beach Press-Telegram; a story that, at first, I thought was the best of the year but, having thought better of it, I believe is the BEST STORY EVER. It involves 74-yearold Lynne Rice who was driving her 1988 Cadillac in Norwalk when she decided she wanted a little something to drink. So she pulled into Joe’s Food Mart on Imperial Highway, and by pulled in I mean she drove her 1988 Cadillac through the front window of Joe’s and just kept going. Now, that’s not the best part of the story. I mean driving through a storefront is the kind of move of which any half-whacked starlet – Lindsay Lohan, Andy Dick – is capable. What elevates this story is that after “plowing halfway through the store,” Rice got out of her car, walked over to the cooler, grabbed a six-pack of Bud and went to the counter to pay for it. When the clerk, a man identified in the story only as “Awada,” refused to sell her the beer, the 74-year-old Rice allegedly shoved him. Thank you, America. Thank you for your amber waves of grain transformed into amber waves of brewski which give us all those things that make this country great: impaired judgment and abusive behavior toward immigrants. Tuesday, July 1 The new “hands free” law goes into effect, prohibiting drivers from holding a cell phone while driving. Now you’ll have to have some headset or speaker situation in your car, ensuring that for the next few days half of all phone conversations begin with the salutation “Can you hear me?” But there is a second cell-phone-related law enforcement story getting less attention. That is that the Los Angeles Police Department is considering using text messaging as a method to get young people to anonymously give information about crimes. It seems that kids are nervous about going to the LAPD since the LAPD has a reputation of beating people and those they don’t beat they rat out to gang members who then beat the people, usually to death. They’re not good. The new method of following leads like “OMG, lady crashed in store. OMFG! She buys beer! lol” will replace the old method of arresting suspects based on planted evidence and severe beatings. What am I saying? No it won’t. Wednesday, July 2 Veteran television producer Eric Lieber dies at Cedars-Sinai at the age of 71. Lieber is most famous for creating the game show Love Connection in 1983. Those of us who were of viewing age in 1983 remember what a splash the show made. It may seem quaint now, but at the time, the idea that two people would talk in detail about things that went on during a date seemed absolutely scandalous, even if what they

This week’s CityBeat cover is disgusting, saddening, and offends me as an American. Why is it so horrible to love America any more? –Aaron Proctor Pasadena You’ll probably catch a bit of heat for the “Happy Birthday USA!” cover, but I thought it was absolutely brilliant!! Please consider having a larger image available for download. I’d love to print it and put it up in my office. –Marta Via e-mail

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revealed is that he didn’t tip the valet and she ate her peas with a fork. As tame as it may now seem, Love Connection helped usher in a slew – yes, slew! – of tell-all dating shows ranging from The Bachelor to Flavor of Love to Rock of Love to Dude, Where’s My Gonorrhea?

Friday, July 4 Former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms dies at the age of 86. Helms is one of the worst Americans ever to live, embodying pretty much everything that is horrible and wrong and disgusting about this country, ranging from intolerance to class division to flat-out racism. He filibustered 16 days against the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. He threatened the life of a sitting U.S. President when he said that Bill Clinton “better have a bodyguard” when he went to North Carolina. He was instrumental in preventing the passage of the Kyoto Protocol against global warming, the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, and a proposed land mine treaty. He was a horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible man and him finally having the good manners to cease breathing doesn’t change any of that. The only thing worse than this horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible man was that he was elected by North Carolinians to serve in the Senate five times in elections that were all distinguished by bald-faced race-baiting. As you’d expect, George W. Bush called Helms “a kind, decent and humble man and a passionate defender of what he called ‘the Miracle of America.’ So it is fitting that this great patriot left us on the Fourth of July.” No, what will be fitting will be that Helms, who called gay people “weak, morally sick wretches” and said that there wasn’t “one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy,” is in Hell and under the stern command of an African-American overlord who is both a sadistic taskmaster and selfish lover. Saturday, July 5 And speaking of George W. Bush, I’ve been thinking that when he comes to power by virtue of a rigged election and then plunges his country into economic hardship and uses the military to both subjugate dissent and exploit the poor, everyone says how he’s a guy you’d like to have a beer with? But when Robert Mugabe does it ... Sunday, July 6 So, I’m thinking of Eric Lieber as I surf my TV and come across a channel called G4 running an ad for a new game show called Hurl. Now, you may have initially thought that you knew what the premise of Hurl was, then, “No. No. It hasn’t gotten that bad.” Oh, yes it has. Because you were right. The premise of Hurl is that contestants eat as much as they can of some American staple – mac and cheese, for instance – and the winner is the person who doesn’t throw up. If no one throws up, the winner is determined by whoever develops the most severe case of diabetes. America, ladies and gentlemen. America.✶

MONDAY America’s Worst Governor Caught Humping Old Playmate Drunken lout and serial cheater Jim Gibbons took a break from ruining Nevada to get caught cheating on his soon-to-be ex-wife Dawn, again, in the parking lot of the Reno Rodeo. Stay classy, Jim. –Ken Layne Each Democratic VP Candidate Uniquely Unqualified to Be Veep Someday soon-ish, Barack Obama will have to pick a running mate. Alas, it has been many moons since a celestial human born without Sin walked among us, so Our Barry is forced to pull his vice president from a pool of reprobates, losers, and women who are too attractive to be paired with such a handsome man. Seriously! Join us on our tour of three prospective candidates who will never ever be vice president, per New York magazine. 1. Chuck Hagel: Well, this one’s easy. He’s a Republican, and the only person who seriously wants Chuck Hagel on the ticket is Ted Sorenson. Literally, no other person on the planet thinks this is a good idea. 2. Joe Biden: Too old, too experienced, not “change-y” enough. 3. Kathleen Sebelius: Will stoke anti-miscegenation sentiment among white male voters by arousing fears that black men are once again stealing all the hot non-colored ladies. This is an actual concern cited by “a savvy operative with ties to organized labor.” Hillary Clinton is, as we speak, plotting to murder Bill Richardson with an exploding cigar. –Sara K. Smith Will George W. Bush Assassination Cover-Up Movie Ever Be Released? The Los Angeles Times reports that Oliver Stone is STILL working on his terrible “W” biopic, which will include his signature “twist ending” in which the hero is assassinated by the CIA. This movie is a guaranteed epic tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, with Elizabeth Banks as Queen Gertrude. One of the more awful aspects of this $30 million dollar abortion is that it features a “baseballoriented fantasy framing device.” Also, Oliver Stone says, “We are trying to walk in the footsteps of W and try to feel like he does, to try to get inside his head.” So we are forced to conclude this movie will basically be like Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl, except on a baseball field. –SKS Sexy Satanist Southern Democrat Couple Accused of Rape, Satanism Meet local Democratic leader Joy Johnson, of Durham, N.C. – she’s (allegedly) a crazy Satanist! Johnson and her younger husband, Joseph Craig, have been charged with a variety of rape and torture and kidnapping crimes, all because of “a satanic ritual that got out of hand.” Johnson allegedly helped – and watched! – as Craig allegedly raped one of his victims and beat the hell out of another one and kept others starving in cages. Sexy! The male and female victims met Craig and Johnson “through a shared interest in Satan worship.” We have not explored this particular dark alley of Craigslist, but it’s good to know there are so many local options – even in North Carolina! – for spicing up a marriage with Satanic sex crimes. Oh, Johnson has resigned as “third vice-chair of the Durham County Democratic Party and vicechair for the Young Democrats,” because the Democratic Party will not tolerate Satanic Rituals that get “out of hand.” Experts say that even though the accused couple look like your basic Office Park Pudge duo who might enjoy a Pizza Hut stuffed-cheesecrust or three while watching a sitcom, you can usually tell Satanists by their “furtive little black eyes, lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes.” You know, like Jim Lehrer, or Wesley Clark. –KL

Metro Briefs SAN GABRIEL VALLEY

Avoid Highway Robbery. Go Metro Losing your duel at the fuel pump with high gas prices? Learn how to avoid it altogether and Go Metro. Join the thousands of new riders on Metro Rail or get anywhere in the county on Metro bus. Consider joining a carpool or vanpool and cut your fuel budget in half. Find out how you can do it all at metro.net.

Atlantic Boulevard Gets Fast And Frequent With running times up to 25% faster than local bus service, the Metro Rapid treatment is now serving Atlantic Boulevard. Line 762 will serve Fair Oaks Avenue and Atlantic Boulevard between Pasadena and the Metro Rail Artesia Station. Find out more at metro.net.

$32 Billion Economic Gain Seen For Sales Tax Local economists project transportation construction from a proposed ½-cent sales tax would generate $32 billion in economic activity and create employment equal to 210,000 full-time jobs over a 30-year period. The sales tax measure is being considered for placement on the November ballot.

Gold Line Ridership Hits Record Thousands are discovering Metro is a convenient and a=ordable way to get around in this era of nearly $5-a-gallon gasoline. The number of passengers on the Metro Gold Line between downtown LA and Pasadena recently set a record with more than 23,000 daily riders.

Get Involved In Metro Service August 11 Improve transit service in your community. Attend Metro San Gabriel Valley’s Governance Council meeting Monday, August 11 at 5 pm, at the sector o;ce, 3449 Santa Anita Avenue, Third Floor, El Monte. For information, search for “Metro San Gabriel Valley” at metro.net.

Shut Up, Wes Clark Meet General Wesley Clark, the secret GOP operative with the black, beady eyes of a born sociopath. (Or Jim Lehrer.) After spending four years windsurfing with John Kerry in Hell, he came back to remind America why he should never open his yap on the teevee. This weekend on Face the Nation, he said that John McCain’s experience riding in a fighter plane did not translate into preparation for executive office – which, while completely true, met with utterly predictable outrage.

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If you’d like to know more, please call us at 1.800.464.2111, or visit metro.net.

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Thursday, July 3 Useless.

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N<<B<KK< Now Republicans, Patriots, and war porn connoisseurs get to express disgust over Clark’s terrible smear of John McCain’s glorious war record, and every time some Proud Democrat says “Hey but wait a minute!â€? the world can get regaled, yet again, with the story of John McCain getting his arms sawed off in Vietnam while Barack Obama was off studying Muslim theology in the South Pacific. At time of writing David Axelrod had been hastily dispatched to track down Wesley Clark and whisk him to a secret Democrat prison. –SKS TUESDAY Hello, Super Double Great Depression! We seem to be having some economic problems. Los Angeles billionaire Eli Broad (the “Bâ€? in KB Homes) tells Bloomberg that “this is worse than any recession we’ve had since World War II.â€? Bloomberg editors noted, on Friday, that U.S. stock declines hadn’t been so lousy since June of 1930, during that Great Depression. Ah, hell ‌. The Dow is negative 20% over the first half of 2008 and that means Bear Stearns Markets and National Sorrow (worse than usual). Gas is $4.50 a gallon. Propane and Electricity are terribly expensive, as are food and water and cigarettes and guns and health insurance. Also, anybody working for Big Corporation can be expected to be pushed off-line by an off-shore space monster, soon. –KL So Maybe This Chubby Nobel Laureate Would Like to Be Vice President, Again! Well, hell. This Sebelius gal won’t be Obama’s veep because she has a long face; Chuck Hagel won’t work because he’s a Republican; and Joe Biden won’t because ‌ oh no wait maybe Joe Biden would work! Yeah, he’s got an okay face for it, and hair plugs, and “foreignâ€? experience. But you know who would RULE? The fat one who made the slide show about climate change. You see, Al Gore already lived in the Naval Observatory once, so installing him again would be a simple matter of switching the utility bills back over to his name. This is literally the only reason we can think of anyone entertaining this terrible notion. Oh, and he is an “international rock star,â€? whatever the fuck that means. –SKS Toilet Queen Larry Craig and Hooker-Using Diaperman David Vitter Sponsor Traditional Marriage Bill Republican Senator Larry Craig can’t walk past a public restroom without rushing in and offering to suck everybody’s cock. Republican Senator David Vitter spends all his time and money fucking hookers while shitting in his Depends. Imagine what these creeps might do if homosexual couples got married! And sometimes the news is Beyond Comedy. What can you really say about Larry Craig and David Vitter co-sponsoring a Senate bill to forever change the U.S. Constitution just to make sure some gay people don’t have a wedding? What will these Moral Crusaders do next, criminalize prostitution and cruise bathrooms for blowjobs? Oh, wait ‌. –KL

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This Will Turn Out Well House Republicans would have to win back 19 seats in November to “Reclaim Our Majority,� which is why Roy Blunt’s big plan is to back exactly TWO GOP challengers. –KL

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WEDNESDAY Crazy Times for Walnuts McCain and America Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!! t /FX CPTT GPS UIF 0ME 8BMOVUT &YQSFTT *U T 4UFWF Schmidt, a completely bald Rove henchman. He is hiring a bunch of Fox News producers, because the Republicans are all still cringing over that awful Louisiana speech the night Obama clinched the nomination. “During that speech, Mr. McCain stood in front of a green background facing a low-energy crowd of supporters, providing a startling contrast with Mr. Obama’s supporters.� [Politico/NYT] t .D$BJO MJLFT UP HP UP PUIFS DPVOUSJFT XIFSF UIF people are tinier, because he’s just a little fellow. So he keeps going to these countries, such as Mexico and Colombia, even though they aren’t really voting that much in the U.S. elections. His staff doesn’t actually want him campaigning in Mexico or the Congo all the time, but he’s such a crazy old bastard and nobody wants to get yelled at, either. [New York Times] t 0OF SFBTPO +VBO .D$BJO MPWFT -BUJO "NFSJDB is that he might get to rough up a Communist.

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During a 1987 diplomatic mission to Nicaragua, McCain allegedly manhandled some dude in Daniel Ortega’s Sandinista government. What a dick! An old, cranky dick. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch] THURSDAY Ponch and John (McCain!) 4 Eva All the coolest fake actors love John McCain! Erik Estrada, the guy who played Ponch on the beloved American cop show CHiPs, will be hosting a big fundraiser for the Republican candidate. CHiPs was very popular in the late nineteen hundred and seventies, when every American female had to declare her sworn allegiance to either the dark and mysterious Francis “Ponchâ€? Poncherello or “Jon,â€? the guy who looked like John Denver. Ponch devotees were summarily deported to Iran, whereas fans of Jon were told that their guy was pretty boring. Erik Estrada is now a part-time cop in Muncie, Indiana, and also works in Bedford County, Virginia, as a “full-time deputy sheriff.â€? Basically he loves COPS COPS COPS and also John McCain, whom he supports for President. He is still, disturbingly, sort of hot. –SKS The Obamas Need a Dog! The American Kennel Club wants to know what kind of dog you think the Obama family should get once they are all elected president. The two youngest President Obamas, Malia and Sasha, have Elitist allergies so they will need a fancy hypoallergenic dog instead of a nice old mutt from the D.C. pound who would love them forever for springing it from Dog Prison. In a perfect world, the Obamas would of course get an Airedale terrier: the proud pet of Presidents Theodore Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, and Warren Harding, and a lovable goofus who will happily rip off the balls of its owner’s enemies. But that isn’t an option as far as the AKC is concerned, so Wonkette readers are implored to vote for the Chinese Crested. Not only is it the most terrifyingly ugly animal on the planet, it is also from the Red Chinese, so Lou Dobbs will hate it an extra lot. –SKS Our Presidential Candidates Are Nasty to Everyone John McCain and Barack Obama are two of the rudest men alive, and the proof is that one likes to bawl out his colleagues in the most unprintable terms imaginable while the other one refuses to write on childrens’ hands. Let’s learn more about these savage creeps and the many rules of etiquette they have broken. t "U m STU JU MPPLFE MJLF #BSBDL 0CBNB SFGVTFE UP trade terrorist fist jabs with a little boy, but in fact he was refusing to write his name on the kid’s hand. This is probably because he knows what kind of price an Obama-autographed human hand would fetch on eBay, and he is an elitist who doesn’t want the Poors to get rich on his autographs. t #BSBDL 0CBNB DBMMFE B SFQPSUFS iTXFFUJFw BOE then issued an insincere-sounding apology. t )F BMTP ZFMMFE BU B SBDJTU PME MBEZ PODF t +PIO .D$BJO DBMMFE IJT XJGF 5IBU 8PSE UIBU POF time. t +PIO .D$BJO JT BMTP DPOTUBOUMZ n ZJOH JOUP m UT PG rage, usually when he’s feeling defensive about the latest terrible thing he’s done. America should have a do-over on this whole election and nominate the courteous, clean-cut dog torturer and the lady who repaid almost $90,000 worth of gifts from her shady friends when it became too embarrassingly tacky to hold on to them. –SKS Charlie Crist Getting Married So He Can Pretend to Be McCain’s Vice President Until November Orange-skinned Florida “bachelor 4 lifeâ€? Charlie Crist is the latest in Florida’s long line of moderate Republican politicians who live swinging, middleaged male lives without women. But he apparently really wants to lose with John McCain this fall, so he has announced the impending tinkle of little wedding bells! Charlie was married for like five days way back in 1980, but that didn’t work out so well, due to differences between Charlie and the lady, whoever she was. He had some fake girlfriend last year; we don’t remember what happened to her. And there was that one time Jeb Bush called a reporter a jackass for asking about Crist’s sexytime or something. His new gal pal is ‌ eh, Google her, read the story, we are late for dinner. Happy July the 3rd leading to the July 4 holiday weekend, everybody!! –KL FRIDAY Jesse Helms Finally Dead We interrupt your Fourth of July with some Breaking News: Jesse Helms was apparently still alive, and now he’s dead, hooray! He was a sour troll and a bigot, and it’s a testament to every rotten thing about this country that for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics. –KL

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DAMN HIS EYES BY JIM WASHBURN

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he’s the nominee now, when the past eight hy won’t Obama ever look years have decimated his party’s credibility straight into the camera? I don’t to govern until the glaciers come back, if trust a guy who won’t look me in then. It’s another shame to see the abhorrent the eye. HE MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO stuff he’s doing in the attempt to become HIDE!â€? president. McCain’s just “relaunchedâ€? his My wife the barber cuts a lot of campaign, “relaunchâ€? being the abbreviation Republican hair, and has heard the above these days for, “Well, we sure fucked that up. refrain from more than one client. Similar Let’s try mixing diviner’s sage and Red Bull sentiments have been spreading on the and see what happens.â€? The guy now at the Web. When Obama gave some newsman tiller, Steve Schmidt, is straight outta the an impromptu and moving eulogy on Tim Russert, all that one chatterer on a Fox News posse of MC Rove, who, of course, waged one of the filthiest political site got from it was that campaigns ever against Obama obviously wasn’t McCain in the 2000 speaking from the heart election. That means any because his eyes were day now you can expect facing the ground. the McCain camp to Really? I’m going to start a whisper campaign type this next sentence accusing Obama of while staring at the fathering black babies. carpet: Fox News Site Web Chat Lady, you are It makes me want to about the dumbest pile of holler, throw up both my clown vomit to ever walk hands. around in panties. I don’t know, that felt New Hope for the pretty heartfelt to me. Wretched: I do my NOW DO YOU TRUST HIM? For some conservatives, own yard work, since I this eye thing is one more proof that don’t like the chemicals and smog-spewing Obama’s hiding something. Like you mowers and blowers of yard professionals, wouldn’t be if you were a flag-allergic, plus they make more money than I do. radical-leftie, madrassa-made Muslim Maybe for the elite there are eco-services Manchurian Candidate with a whitey-hating where merino sheep nuzzle your lawn to wife, who can’t wait to be president so he a uniform height and ants are personally can strew chicken bones all over the White dispatched with a hammer, but not on my House lawn and let his secret brother block. Ahmadinejad park an A-bomb in the Vermeil Except for a brief fling with a power Room? mower, I’ve always gone acoustic, beginning That’s the conservative take on him. Like with a heavy-duty push mower that came most of you, I have conservative friends. It’s with the house 32 years ago, now a rusty our burden. They send me the “If Obama hulk in the yard somewhere. It was replaced Winsâ€? e-mails depicting a mosque-domed with a Great States mower from Home White House and McHammed’s camel Depot – their sole manual mower at the burger stands. They heed the right wing time, and more expensive than some pundits predicting major terrorist attacks powered models – and it is a sad example at home if Obama wins, which ranks right of the declining quality of American life. up there with the doomsday scare tactics Flimsy and balky, even the smallest twig Democrats used against Goldwater in 1964. tosses a penalty flag into its forward motion, What will Republicans scare voters with and it’s unable to cut tall grass at all, oft next, footage from The Naked Prey of speartimes necessitating my mowing the entire heaving Africans chasing sunburned white yard with an electric weed whacker. At least people through the bush? the back-and-forth motion is prepping me I don’t get the reasoning. It was OK to for my senior years on the beach, with a have a president who looked like a card metal detector looking for change. sharp – Nixon (who did indeed fund his first Make way for the Sunlawn LMM40! congressional run with poker money fleeced Much as the Dyson vacuum made folks from returning WWII sailors – or a president enthusiastic about vacuuming again (call who smirks like he just peed in your pool a doctor if it lasts more than six hours), – Bush (who did indeed pee in your pool; the Sunlawn and the pricier German Brill check the pH) – but we shouldn’t vote for an mower it’s based on are reinvigorating the angelic-looking guy who is maybe our most art of mowing. Germans have been mowing intelligent, compassionate choice since Adlai through things ever since the Maginot Stevenson because he doesn’t eye-fuck the Line, and the precision mechanism in the camera? colorful, cute, lightweight, whisper-quiet Maybe Obama’s not looking in the lens Sunlawn lunges through lawns with gusto. because he’s busy looking a real person in And unless, like mine, your lawn already the eye, or maybe he’s concentrating on has more thatch than Georgina Spelvin, what he’s talking about – not a bad quality you can do without a grass catcher and let in a president, all things considered – or the clippings serve as mulch. he’s looking down because he’s humble, or You’ll find the Sunlawn LMM40 for under looking up because his eyes are on the prize. $170 (and its little sister, the LMM35 for about $155) including shipping at several You can’t win. In 2008 some Americans eco-minded websites. Used in conjunction won’t vote for Obama because he doesn’t with the margarita recipe we shared here make eye contact, while not many years ago a few weeks ago, you’ll love the time spent – and for about 200 of them – if a black guy in your yard, and you’ll be helping to save in America didn’t keep his eyes cast meekly the planet. If you live in an apartment, toward the ground he risked being lynched. ignore the above and head straight to the We’ve come a long way, baby! margaritas. âœś I kind of like John McCain. It’s a shame

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Miss NARCO America

How an underemployed Michigan rocker chick became the cocaine queen of L.A. BY RON GARMON The Last Resort

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ho “Cissie” actually is is irrelevant to our story and how I came to know her none of your business. Who she was – the girlfriend, helpmeet and eventual business partner of the number two associate of a gentleman she calls “Don Manuel,” the still-living onetime North American representative of the Medellín drug cartel – well, that was something in the late ’70s. If you did a gram of coke in the L.A. basin in 1982, chances are it came to the country on Cissie’s small person, although she was a stranger to me until we met to share her story. Rest assured, our paths would’ve crossed sooner or later, given the dramatic way the town shrinks the longer you stay here. Strikingly pretty in her early 50s, Cissie has faded tats, a trim figure and the thousand-yard stare of an unreconstructed rock ’n’ roll party baby, of which there are thousands in L.A. Many of these ladies eke out the odd ASCAP check and that’s pretty much her too, since one of her songs wound up in a classic Gen-X action movie. She lives quietly now in a midcity neighborhood probably best described as Koreacockwood, a vague precinct not exactly Hancock Park, only indifferently Koreatown, and Hollywood by tattered courtesy. At the foyer of her top floor apartment is a quasi-Santeria shrine, festooned with faded photos of people who’ve died, along with offerings. Over the phone, Cissie is open, charming, plausible – and scarcely less so in person. Not that morality has much to do with what follows, but I find her commitment to who she was and loved to be the most compelling thing about her. Though my own career as drug outlaw has been on the consumption end and my taste for alkaloids close to nil, I’ve met her spiritual likeness on the sales end of pretty much everything saleable in America. As hospitality, she clips off a fat sativa bud and tosses it at me. I tamp it down, fire it up and pass it back. I ask her why she is bothering to tell her story now, after all this time and in the middle of a different and worse era. “Believe me, my reasons aren’t all that deep” she drawls, stammering a little for the first time since I’ve known her (not long). “It’s time to tell it and, um, as long as everybody else is telling their story and getting on that train and getting paid. I got a damn good story to tell, and all my friends for years have urged me to tell it. The thing is, I can’t write! I sit down and try to and find I can’t. It’s not necessarily a role model story for women, but it’s a powerful one anyway.”

The Last Waltz

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n the table is a pile of faded pictures, of 1970s people in a frozen series of long-ago goodtimes. “That’s me. Cute, huh?” she says, handing me an image of a sweetfaced, succulent blonde housewife, about

eight months gone in virtuous pregnancy. “That was around 1979,” she drawls in flat upstate Michigan tones L.A. will never erode, biting off the words. “I had about a million bucks taped to my belly. It was just before getting on an airplane. This guy,” she seems scattered, but her eyes lock eyes with mine, measuring me, “is the one who got me into it. His name was Danny, he was the one I told you about over the phone. He got me into the whole thing.” She holds aloft a photo of her with a hard-faced, soft-eyed tough guy in a Saturday Night Fever suit, a hairline up the scalp and a proto B-boy glare quite unfashionable back in the Bee Gees’ heyday. “His name was Danny and he was

everywhere. The big “G” and the stripe. It came with a set of luggage and listed for about $22,000 back in 1978. I sold this car to my friend in Laguna, and then she sold it to some older lady there, so it might still be around. That would be funny.” Cissie is shy of last names and resists using proper nouns like “Medellín” or “Pablo Escobar” in tape-recorded conversation, as well as being wary of causing “Danny’s” family grief. Her stories root her securely in the fattest part of the Florida cocaine boom of the late ’70s, as use of the powder began to spread out of show-biz and the demimonde and into the parties and bedrooms of the American middle classes. The Medellín

CISSIE AND DANNY: PERFECT!

the old guy’s golden boy at the very start of the Medellín cartel. I was head-overheels in love with him. He was a little prick and I hated him, too. He was just perfect!” By 1978, Cissie was out of an all-girl Catholic high school and into a series of cover bands as a petite, blues-howling front, gigging for whatever small change was then available in southern Michigan. Vacationing in Fort Lauderdale with a girlfriend – two bikinied nymphets padding along Bahia Del Mar like those playboy sleuth Travis McGee would brood over in John D. McDonald’s novels – she met Danny in a restaurant bar one evening. “He was clever and funny and charming,” she smiles, still smitten at the memory. “And it was love at first sight. Danny saw himself as my Pygmalion. When I met him that night I was wearing jeans and suspenders; I was just beachy cute.” She squeals and holds up another bleached photo: “I still have the spandex pants he bought me!” Another Kodak is fished from the pile, this one of an ornate cream-colored luxury car – “There’s my Gucci Cadillac!” she yells, flapping the photo around. “It was a present from him when I moved to Florida. It was from Bramon’s Cadillac in Miami and it was supposedly the first one ever made. Look at the inside. Gucci

cartel had already begun shooting cops within Colombia itself (including the 1976 murder of two agents who’d arrested cartel overlord Pablo Escobar) to anchor its base of operations, recruiting Colombians within the United States to wrest control of distribution from Cuban gangs dominating the trade. Danny, born in 1949 in Colombia and living in New York from 1968, waited tables and sold cars before turning a considerable talent as hustler to fueling the ever-bigger, everwilder party America was throwing in the late Vietnam years. He also saw something of himself in his new lover. “It was natural talent I had,” Cissie says bluntly. “You have to have some ability already, but he taught me. When we met, it was like looking in a mirror, spiritually, and we were soul mates.” She decided to stay in Florida. “I married a friend of Danny’s brother and they paid me $7,000 to marry this guy, and I couldn’t turn it down,” she cackles. “We shook hands, had lunch and that was it. It was to get the guy his papers and I got paid to do this. This was ’78 and that was my first li’l ole job. I got paid to do this. Before that, it was tests, y’ know, like he was testing my loyalty. He’d come over to my place with his friends and cut up a whole bunch of cocaine in my living room, leaving me the mess to clean up. Little tests, which I passed.

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“Eventually, I got him to front me one kilo and I was in business for myself.” The trips to California started soon after, with Cissie in friendly competition with Waldo, Danny’s other guy on the West Coast. Of course, there was little room for the wife in all this and Danny’s marriage ended when his wife found out about Cissie. “This was a coupla years after we met,” she remembers with rueful humor. “Raphael, one of Danny’s brothers, had a sister who was a snake, and she told her about me and the bitch keyed my Porsche. I was blonde and they were all dark, and I was hated by some for that. I saw what she done to my car, and she and I raced our Porsches down PCH, and I had a .38, the kind with no trigger that you have to cock, and I emptied it into her car. Then we had a ‘peace meeting’ – Danny, her and I – and she lifted up the table and threw me against a mirror, so obviously there was gonna be no peace. I don’t know how he thought he could arrange that. And the sister was arranging the whole thing just so she could fuck him!” she snorts, still marveling at the amount of duplicity in the world. I ask an obvious question, and Cissie answers. “This was a real job,” Cissie insists – the topic is a comparison to Michelle Pfeiffer’s character in Scarface. “I wasn’t anything like her. She did coke through the whole movie and never left the house. You didn’t see her crawling on her hands and knees through the Colombian jungle.” “You did what?” I must look incredulous, because she adds sheepishly, “I had to get under a fence once, and we couldn’t get in otherwise. Little Miss Drama Queen overdramatizing everything.” “These things happen to us all,” I muse. “What’s a little B&E among friends?” “There was no moment when I said ‘yes’ to the life, because I was manipulating Danny toward letting me work anyway,” Cissie says, circling back to a prior subject, as we’ve done several times. “When he finally did, God, every fiber in my body was tingling because I’d led him that way, passed every test he gave me. I had family, finally. I came from a divorced family who pulled me this way and that in court, and I divided weeks between them. I was 11, and they tried to get me to make life-altering decisions. That kind of shit fucks you up. They were such a family and the men kissed each other! There was nothing like that in Michigan. I felt like I belonged, plus I was with little Mister Kingpin. He was a ‘favorite son’ in the organization. Then my own tree began to have people under it.” Cissie talks in spurts again. “My mother loved it because I gave her money,” she says. “We had a party when I paid off her mortgage and I bought her a 7-Eleven franchise two blocks from her house. I took her to Saipan and in Honolulu on the way there I gave her $5,000 just for herself. She left her purse and somebody swiped the five grand. Boy, was I pissed and I wasn’t a pleasant girl back then. My mouth and tongue were really sharp. ➤

She hands me a photo of a sweetfaced housewife eight months gone in virtuous pregnancy. “I had about a million bucks taped to my belly.”

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I must’ve said something bad to her and she cried, so I gave her another $5,000. Because I felt guilty.” Cissie found L.A. a wide open and inexhaustible market for cocaine – “It retailed for up to $100 a gram in those days,” she recalls. “I could get $65,000 a kilo in L.A. You couldn’t get that kind of money for it in New York. You could buy it for $20 in Florida, but it was if we paid up front $8,000.” Soon, she was moving scores of kilos from her home base in Boca Raton, with drivers making relays from south Florida to L.A. “Wholesale, I only had five buyers I’d meet in L.A. They took about 15 keys each and they were all just your basic, normal white guys. One was a farmer up north and another was a guy who dealt in antique cars. Another was an older gentleman in Laguna and another a middle-aged surfer boy at Huntington. People no one would ever expect, like the Kevin Nealon guy in the show Weeds. None of them were hoods, all of them were normal in every way. We’d go to each other’s houses, visit each other’s children.” Most of her crew were girlfriends. “A couple of them actually started off as housekeepers I got through Danny, and we became friends,” says Cissie. “The one who threw the kilo in my Jacuzzi came from my hometown. She was the girlfriend of Pio, one of my drivers, and she was over at my Costa Mesa house doing too much coke and thought she saw a murder up the street. She called my mother, and I heard about it and came over there, and found out she cut open a kilo and dumped it. At that time, they were worth $50,000. I found that out because the pool guy tested it. So she left after that. One time, I took 10 girls to Haiti on vacation, and there was a lot of jealousy – everybody was getting drunk and getting high. Drama becomes way excessive and vicious. The girl I paid to stay and watch the drugs robbed me three months later. Then Waldo, the guy who disappeared and they never found his body, well, his worker guy and my worker chick hooked up and burned me.” What happened to Waldo? “Yeah, well, I found 21 kilos in his house. He was the one I originally held the kilos for myself when I first went into business out here. We were friends and competed who could sell the most after Danny set me up. His wife was a chick named Lynn [Armandt], who was the other woman in the Donna Rice scandal with Gary Hart. She was on the Monkey Business with Donna and told her story to Barbara Walters [and sold to the National Enquirer for $25,000 the infamous picture with the luckless senator’s arm around Ms. Rice]. She was married to Waldo to get his papers, but they practically lived together, and she really loved him, and she disappeared, and she came out here and she was the only one who knew the safe combination. And Danny and Mario and Eddie and the rest of ’em came out to Vegas about it, and they wanted to know what was going on, since there was 26 kilos involved. 72 hours passed before Lynn and I got to the safe, and found 21 keys in there and he’d taken five. “Lynn was friends already with the girls in Florida and all these Pittsburgh ladies who were my girlfriends, like normal chicks,” she adds. “These I took into the

business. Another family extension. Lynn later went on Barbara Walters. She was pretty hot. She had a bathing suit place at Turnberry, which was a hub for drugs. I used to see James Caan there all the time. Like that’s a big surprise!” Of course, getting the product from Colombia was often trying. “Sometimes we’d use an oil tanker for bigger shipments,” Cissie narrates, her voice picking up speed and comic outrage. “It would stay in international waters in the Bahamas and the cigarette boats would go get it off the tanker. There were two captains on that ship – one of them an exgeneral in Batista’s army and the other guy was some fishing boat captain from Key West and there was one motherfucking compass on the whole ship and it broke! They were out there six days and ran out of water and food, a 250,000 gallon tanker with 40,000 pounds of weed and about 1500 kilos of coke. Where the fuck are they? We found them off a Bahamian island, on their way from Barranquilla. We lost them for six days and didn’t get far. That was how dumb they all were. This kind of thing could happen 25 years ago. It was like being in another world.” When in town, Cissie stayed in Beverly Hills. “The place on Roxbury was called the ‘butterfly’ apartment because of the butterfly wallpaper that was made of cloth,” she says, still a little bemused by her fortunes. “I rented it for the parking space below it, which was where I parked my car with the hidden compartment that held 20 keys. I only had a few coke parties with friends there because the worst place in the world to do business would be Beverly Hills – nosy old neighbors. I could sleep there before driving back to Orange County. I also bought a condo on Thayer I lived in about a week. I also lived in Costa Mesa and Huntington Beach and a condo in Palm Springs I went to all of once, because I’m an idiot. I thought it was a trendy thing to buy!” She whoops with laughter. “It’s only money and now it’s all gone anyway! I loved Newport and Laguna and operated a lot out of there.” This brought her a predictable level of social access. “It got me anywhere I wanted to go. I sold coke to everybody, record moguls, showbiz people, you name it. Whoever I hung out with. I was making a killing and laughing about it. I retailed only to record execs and movie stars. Of course, the very fact I was their coke dealer kept me from being introduced around. It was a case of too much information and I knew their secrets. I think that screwed some things up for me. I had some fabulous affairs with a few powerful men.” She speaks flatly: “That was fun.” Back in Florida, she kept a house around the corner from Danny at the Boca Bath and Tennis club, and the ’80s were nearly half gone before Cissie began to think of getting out of the life. The death toll among her Columbian associates was beginning to climb, eventually to reach what she says was 80 percent. “Most of this happened in Colombia,” she recollects, and most were dead from a combination of boredom and simple machismo. “They’d rip each other off,” she remembers with cynical wonder. “Say you gave ’em $500,000 up front and say you can get the coke $4,000 a kilo. By the time it gets delivered, it’s up to eight. So you give ’em the half million and they’d

have all kinds of coke, you know, try this and try that, but the stuff you paid ’em for isn’t here yet. That kind of stupid shit. Somebody’d say it was lost or stolen and people would get pissed. And they got killed because it all went to their head. They were invincible and could do anything. It was a game of whose penis is bigger and who can piss farthest. The paradox was you gotta have that kind of attitude or you wouldn’t be in this game in the first place.” “In the Scorsese movies,” I interrupt, “one sees that attitude – the emotional problems of a tight-knit bunch of morons playing with guns and money. It was inherent in the business that people make ruinous mistakes and die.” “Exactly! That’s it!” Cissie shouts. “The whole thing just imploded. There was enough for everybody, but they all wanted just a little bit more. The risk has to equal the reward and where’s the reward in that? They were risking ripping off somebody when they already have all the money they could ever spend in their lives. For what? The thrill of fucking somebody over.” “Since machismo holds no charm,” I put in, “What was your payoff? She is simple and blunt – “Money,” she sparkles, wriggling happily and grinning. “The smell of it. Oh, my god! I got to be a big shot! That one Billy Joel song is about me. It’s a powerful feeling and unbelievable. Especially at that age.”

The Last Days of Disco

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y 1984, Cissie, worth $10 million a year to the Medellín cartel, had all the cash she ever thought she’d need and was looking to get out. She’d also caught Danny in one affair too many. “Oh, there was a breakup,” she snarls softly, “when I caught him in bed with a chick. It was I don’t-know-howmany times before that, but this was the last straw.” That was also the year she took her one and only bust. “I was driving the last of some office stuff back to Boca Raton from Corona del Mar for a something I was going to open up,” she begins, gathering up an earlier conversational thread about a jackleg movie producer who eventually took her for half a million dollars. “Pio was driving a U-Haul truck and I had my big silver Impala that held 75 kilos, but was empty. We were entering the freeway at Tucumcari, New Mexico, and Pio got us pulled over for failure to signal long enough. I was like what-the-fuck?, and out steps the cop in his SWAT jumpsuit. They basically profiled Pio, because he had long hair and a mustache. I don’t know how they had the right but basically they searched everything down at the station and I had two ounces of weed they never even took because they were convinced they had Ma Barker after they took the car apart with an air-jack hammer and found the hidden compartments, and the safe from the office had $150,000 in cash, a .357 magnum and my vibrator. I got mouthy with them and I knew there was nothing there, and then they found a dirty coke grinder that was field-tested at 84% pure, which put it up into another category, and they decided to charge me with second-degree felony trafficking. “They took the money and the IRS took

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half of it. I got a letter from them saying don’t try to take it back,” she relates, still incredulous. “Tucumcari took the other half, but they didn’t have shit except my money, so I never saw it again. I got booked, spent the night in jail, but we were never arraigned and it was dropped. The lawyer cost me $50,000. We saw a thing on 60 Minutes called ‘Cocaine Corridor’ soon after that that Tucumcari police had netted $500,000 in six months along the 10. The jail even had a color TV because the Colombians had bought it and left it for the prisoners! “If my car had been full of cocaine we would not be having this discussion,” Cissie says flatly. “The fact that it happened after I decided to retire was enough to convince me to stay retired. My life would’ve been over if $2 million of cocaine was in that. I’d never see the light of day, plus I’d owe the Colombians. Thank God I didn’t hand over my passport because it had like a thousand stamps to Colombia on it!” “Why did you leave all that?” I ask, knowing the answer already. “I hadn’t slept in five years,” Cissie marvels. “Zoom, fly, back-and-forth. Dollars, powder, green duffel bags full of shit. You lived it, you breathed it.” “Yeah, but did you get to keep any of it?” “Close to a million in cash,” she shoots back, “but I tried to save everything. I shoulda cut my losses and I mighta still had all that. Money went out and none came in. Eventually, I wound up sitting here. I didn’t manage it well at all. It was all gone by about ’90. The party was over. I went to New York, I came back here. I tried to live a normal life as a waitress, then I wanted to act. Neither worked out, but luckily I was still able to write songs. That’s how I kept going and I’m lucky enough to be paid for that. The ending of the story isn’t so good, because I go back to a normal life.” By 1990, the money was gone, except for odds and ends like the brown paper bag crammed with $14,000 a maid found in a washing machine. “I pulled $100,000 out of a bank in Saipan and the bank collapsed,” she laughs. “I became a legend, apparently, because I took down a corrupt bank. Meanwhile, I’d lost a shitload of money! Again! Because it went into receivership, I kept getting small checks. That dribbled out a few years. I had houses, condos, shit like that to sell. The money I lost in Tucumcari was like a domino effect. I didn’t have Dean Witter or Merrill Lynch telling me to do anything, and if I did, I would’ve said, ‘Who are you to tell me anything?’” Danny died in a shootout in Columbia in April 1991. “I hadn’t spoken to him in six months, but we were on friendly terms,” Cissie remembers, looking distant, “He had over 30 bullet holes in him. I went over to girls after that. Danny was a tough act for any man to follow.” Looking around at Cissie’s apartment, stuffed with colorful Caribbean art and yowling with dogs and cats she’s rescued, I think of her man Danny’s long run in a difficult game, her own brisk and efficient sense of self-preservation and mumble an idle remark about her being too pragmatic to feel much survivor guilt. “No!” she giggles, for a moment a teenager again. “I have guilt over outsurviving the money!” ✶

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SQUARE DEAL

Germanicalifornian cuisine on Abbot Kinney BY RICHARD FOSS

served with a mild marinara and a lemon, and the squeeze of lemon added another dimension to an already fine starter. The five plump slices looked like a small portion, but they were rich – one really wouldn’t have wanted more if having a main course. Which we were, of course. I selected a tuna burger ($13.95), chopped sushiquality ahi on a brioche bun, while my companion had a sampler of three different sandwiches and three salads ($11.95). The thin slices of raw chayote squash accented the large portion of mildly seasoned tuna nicely, and the bun reminded me that I was after all dining in a bakery – it was as fresh as it could be without still being warm from the oven. Still, my meal didn’t hold a candle to my companion’s. She had a choice of five sandwiches, and had picked grilled cheese with shrimp, tuna salad, and meatball. After our server had left, she had buyer’s remorse and wished she had ordered the ratatouille instead of meatball, but when it arrived we were delighted she hadn’t changed. It fit a natural progression – a bite of the delicate cheese with shrimp, then the tangy tuna salad, followed with the robust meatball – it was the dynamic of a three-course meal at luncheon portions. Make that a nicely varied four course meal, since there were the three

salads – a conventional green salad, delicious golden beet salad, and sweet potato chips. If you’re indecisive or just picky, this is the best lunch in L.A. – it covers such a wide range that you’re bound to like some of it, and we enjoyed it all. We finished by walking to the bakery counter next door and selecting a nut tart and a raspberry tart ($6.50 each). They looked gorgeous, but were the only disappointments of our meal – both were too sweet, and we ended up eating the berries and leaving the crust on the plate. The chocolate croissant that I took home was much better, buttery pastry and bittersweet chocolate in harmony. Hans Rockenwagner has kept in touch with his roots in creating Three Square CafĂŠ & Bakery, both in terms of his Germanic heritage and his history as one of California’s great fusion chefs – and he has done it at a price most of us can afford. I hope he opens a place where I can get the wild boar stew again, but until he does, I’ll be quite happy to enjoy his more casual cuisine at these modest prices. âœś Three Square CafĂŠ & Bakery, 1121 Abbot Kinney, Venice, (310) 399-6504. Open daily 8 a.m.-9:30 p.m. Valet parking on side street, wheelchair access good, wine and beer served. Some vegetarian/vegan items.

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PHOTO BY ROSHEILA ROBLES

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very artist ought to revisit his roots once in a while, even if only to remind himself of what he’s rebelling against. Things that seemed parochial or staid might reveal themselves as nuanced and subtle. Or not – sometimes that visit to the old homestead confirms your decision to head for someplace else. Hans Rockenwagner has always displayed his German heritage, sometimes flamboyantly. At the famous Santa Monica restaurant that bore his name, he served echt-Teutonic specialties like wild boar stew along with the pretzel burger and more outrÊ items like curried eggplant with polenta fries. Rockenwagner (the restaurant) closed over two years ago, but Rockenwagner (the chef) has been busy with other ventures, notably the Three Square CafÊ and Bakery on Abbot Kinney in Venice. Three Square is a casual little spot serving breakfast, lunch, and dinner (hence the name), but there are echoes of the grand whitetablecloth establishment – the same angular, geometric design with furniture that is more comfortable than it looks. A few of the popular items from the old bar menu reappear here, like the weisswurst and the pretzel burger. Another carryover is the value – the old Rockenwagner was reasonably priced for the quality, and the new incarnation is even more generous. We started with an order of avocado fries ($7) – not French fries topped with avocado slices or guacamole, but pieces of avocado that had been lightly breaded and fried. I thought that chefs had breaded and fried everything but kitchen utensils, washcloths, and each other, and in fact I think I might have been served a deep-fried dish sponge at one benighted eatery, but it is now obvious that everybody but Hans missed a real opportunity. Lightly crisp on the outside, almost molten inside, and completely greaseless – this is one of the best flavor combinations I’ve found in quite a while. They were

Organic Panaceas ... I imagine there's a question most people have when they pass the Organic Panificio, a newish restaurant on Admiralty Way in Marina del Rey, and I have the answer: Panificio is Italian for “bread baker.â€? That gives you a pretty good idea of the concept – fresh breads and pizzas, house-made pastas, and a focus on natural ingredients. They had only one minor problem – the whole place was themed around a wizard baker and chef who went back to Italy after only about a month. They’ve found another chef with similar skills to replace him, and are gradually expanding their menu. I had an excellent pizza with a thin, crisp crust and delicious mushroom pasta – simple dishes expertly done. Manager Ron Baker came from recently shuttered Bora Bora in Manhattan Beach, and he’s a hospitality pro who makes everyone feel welcome ... . Testing, 1,2,3 ‌ If you’re talking with one of those been-there-done-that types and want to see if they’re blowing smoke, mention that you’re thinking of attending the Palihouse Holloway’s wine dinner in Hollywood. If they start telling you details of the one they attended, tune them out – the one July 15 is their first. Palihouse is a West Hollywood boutique hotel, and its brasserie is pairing California-French food with wines from Core Vineyards on the Central Coast. Sounds like a fun event ‌ call (323) 656-4020 for information ‌ . Like a Light Summer Beerz ‌ It’s scorching out as I write this, and a cool beer would be marvelous. I’ll hope for a reprise of the sunshine July 17, when CT Lounge in Eagle Rock hosts a beer tasting hosted by Jeff Musial of Wine Warehouse. The focus will be on light summer beers like pilsners, lagers, and hefeweizens, and appropriate snacks will be served. It should be a refreshing way to start the evening, and you can stay afterward for a burger with parmesan basil fries, or one of their other specialties. Call (323) 257-2245 for reservations ‌. Follow That Chef! ... Last year I reviewed a rapturous evening at Whist, where I enjoyed the cooking of Executive Chef Warren Schwartz. Chef Schwartz has moved on, and will be at the new Westside Tavern on Westwood Boulevard, which should open in October. I’ve been trying to find out who will be replacing him, but thus far I haven’t gotten an answer. Here’s hoping it’s someone who can do justice to that marvelous setting ‌ . It’s the Cheese ‌ I can just imagine the thoughts that went through one artist’s mind ‌ “I love this country so much, I’m going to carve a patriotic statue out of 5,000 pounds of cheese!â€? Yes, it did happen, at a Sam’s Club in Wisconsin, a state where cheese carving just might be the official state hobby. Now doesn’t everything you did for the Fourth of July seem sensible by comparison? Even that replica of Mount Rushmore you and your buddies made from empty beer cans suddenly seems more respectable. --Richard Foss We accept tips: RichardFoss@earthlink.net.

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arrived at the inaugural Venice Beach see event organizer Stephen Fiske give the Eco-Fest ready to judge, eager to start Heart of Humanity Award to Ed Begley generating new epithets for “damn Jr., who advocated baby steps like buying hippies.â€? But in the midst of laughter low-hanging fruit, some of which would yogis, organic Obama onesies and a solar- have been really delicious mixed in with powered stage supporting Superbroke all the Clif bars. Between NAFTA, the Brass & Tin & Strings Marching Band abuse of Indonesian orangutans, and the Ensemble (they believe in “loosening chemical contrails of jets, it was difficult the sphincter of the worldâ€?), I had to to decide where to direct my ecological let the sunshine in. Last Saturday’s outrage, so I’ll just aim for the lack of Earth Day aftershock was just what this edible food at the Eco-Fest. There were a countercultural litt le corner of our big lot of awful energy bar-ish products blue marble needed. that looked like compost and tasted I haven’t spent much time at like cardboard, and vegetarian the Venice boardwalk, food from Samosa namely because as House. The whole a kid I imagined it affair could’ve was a scary ragout used more plain of nutjobs better ol’ fruits and left to themselves: veggies – maybe crack enthusiasts, some involvement carnies, residencefrom a few local challenged Community beatniks. But Sustained PHOTO BY WWW.VENICEPAPARRAZI.COM when I recently Agriculture farms. read that Councilman Bill Rosendahl had I know the point of the Eco-Fest is not to overseen the installation of a dozen new gorge myself, but I’d like the option. recycling bins in Venice Beach, and that Here’s the rub of the Venice EcoEarth Day L.A. and the Venice Chamber Fest, and my only non-gluttony-related of Commerce were hosting a festival of complaint: For every L.A. Conservation all things eco, I got psyched to cake on Corps, there’s a “light energyâ€? session. the SPF, take off my bra and experience In its effort to become pan-accessible, a cleaner, greener side of the city. I the progress toward building a healthier pressured my friend Dan to drive me, planet has somehow become synonymous assuring him that the boardwalk would with the oddball society, a place for be flooded with loads of the eco-cool generally mistrusted outcasts to jump co-eds known to swarm his Brentwood on a bandwagon. It’s not necessarily Whole Foods, and maybe they wouldn’t be greenwashing, but it is a disservice to wearing bras, either. the environmental movement, whose The 150-plus exhibitors in the authenticity is challenged by the makeshift tent city ran the green gamut, ridiculous bedfellows it tends to attract. from hemp clothiers and coconut jewelry While it certainly doesn’t hurt to have a makers to animal activists and soap handwriting analyst at the Eco-Fest, her purveyors, all of them disarmingly shiny, work does seem slightly tangential to the happy people. I started at the business Earth’s betterment. Also, it was stupid. end, where Prius, the DWP (proffering After scribbling a few sentences about energy-saving light bulbs and no fewer being famished for something other than than 50 stacks of brochures) and the West a Clif bar, I’m told I have issues with my L.A. Democratic Club were set up next to mother and that it’s none too tough to the booth advertising the California highwring a secret out of me. Credit where it’s speed train, the 220 mph beast that’ll take due – my vault combo is two parts vodka, me from Disneyland to L.A. in 20 minutes. one part soda. She showers praise on Dan, Should voters approve the $10 million whose freakishly neat penmanship is a in bonds in November, construction spot-on match to that of a serial killer. on the 800-mile system could start as There I go, spilling secrets again. early as 2011. I love this initiative, not Again, the majority of the celebrants just because fast things are neat and I were genuine, their booths worthy of am pedestrian like that, but because it a visit and their causes deserving of presents the opportunity to talk about the passion. And while skepticism is healthy, supertrain plot point from the grungepessimism had no place at the Venice rock epic Singles. Remember that? The Eco-Fest. On my way out, I overheard booth volunteer doesn’t, says the movie one exhibitor complaining to a friend, was before his time, and sweetly asks me “Someone came by from the L.A. Chamber to sign his petition. Kids today – all doped of Commerce, giving me a hard time up on changing the world, with no regard about what exactly was green about my for the pillars of early ’90s pop culture. I store.â€? A hard time was merited, as her weep for the future. booth was a Spin Art migraine of tie-dye, For an event that could’ve alienated toe rings, and ceramic pipes – none of it, the mainstream with one too many seemingly, created with any thought to the didgeridoos, the Eco-Fest lured droves environment at all, except that traditional of sincerely concerned collectives, hippies may love that crap. “I was like, ‘You not to mention everyone’s favorite know, my intentions are good. My heart’s celebronmentalist. I was just in time to in the right place. Quit hassling me.’â€?âœś

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BY NEAL POLLACK skates under slightly different rules. For the weekend, the roller-derby brain trust had established a fresh set of laws that no one actually understood. Therefore, the San Diego team won, but then because of a penalty, the L.A. team got another shot and it looked like they won, but then there was another penalty and the refs gave the match to San Diego. There was much ferocious gesturing from the track, indicating that L.A. felt it had been robbed. The crowd, fortified by Pilsner, booed lustily. The ultimate match of the evening was between the L.A. Derby Dolls, the sport’s Laker equivalent, and an All-Star team from Austin, which is where the sport re-birthed last decade, where A&E set its roller-derby reality show, and whence the best players sprout. Ty said he felt divided, loyalty-wise, because he knew some babes from both towns. It had been a rough day for the Austin five. Used to skating on a flat track, they found themselves getting clobbered by a team of curved-track All-Stars in an earlier match, and they were no competition for the Derby Dolls, either. A cannon-thighed behemoth blocker named Broadzilla repeatedly hip-checked and fore-armed them into the floor, and the Austin blockers looked old and slow and, dare I say it, fat when faced with the Dolls’ lithe, smokin’ hot, Tia Carrere-lookalike jammers. The highlight arrived when Broadzilla blew Austin’s best jammer, or at least the only one who looked like she was really trying, into the pit so hard that she vomited on impact. Roller-derby fans aren’t satisfied until one of their heroes excretes girl-power toughness. After the Derby Dolls skated around, exulting in their rout, Ty presented me with a freshly minted copy of the Yuppie Pricks’ third album. It features a close-up cover shot of Ty’s greasy crotch in an American flag Speedo. This album will bring the Pricks mainstream success for sure. We got into my party Prius. I turned on Fascist Talk 790 just in time to hear Charley Steiner scream, “The Dodgers get no-hit, and they win the game!â€? “No fucking way!â€? Ty said. I bashed my head against the steering wheel. “Shit shit fuck!â€? I said. Only four other times since 1900 had this phenomenon occurred in baseball. I would never, ever see the likes of it again on television, much less in person. A transcendent display of Dodger offensive incompetence had somehow transmuted into a stadium-shaking miracle, and I’d missed it because a bunch of out-oftowners were worried about traffic. Well, at least I’d seen a chick lie facedown in her own barf. That only happens three or four times a week in roller derby. âœś

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ld pal Ty blew in from Austin last week for a bachelor party. We set aside Saturday night for our touching reunion. He and his buddies were thinking about hitting the DodgersAngels game, the prospect of which filled me with the kind of dread that only a knowledgeable fan can feel: The Blue’s offense had been sucked into an 8-9-1 black hole, a Ned Colletti-signed incompetence special bracketed by Angel Berroa (who everyone knows is the worst position player in baseball) and Juan Pierre (who everyone thinks is awesome but actually isn’t but now has mercifully gone down for a month with a knee injury). Yes, the pitching had been great, but how many shutout games, going either way, can a baseball fan endure? I’d expected so much more from this squad. Fate directed me elsewhere. Ty and friends had gone to the Thursday afternoon game, where the Dodgers had been blanked 2-0 by the White Sox, and they’d been permanently traumatized by the post-game traffic. I tried to explain to Ty that there was a big difference between L.A. traffic at 5 p.m. on a Thursday and 10:30 p.m. on a Saturday, but he’d seen our town at its gridlocked worst and was through with taking chances. Instead, they were going to hit the roller derby. Ty, on the surface a fairly respectable gentleman, is also the lead singer of the Yuppie Pricks, a comedy-punk band that’s not afraid to eat sushi off the bellies of strippers onstage. To pay his mortgage and his son’s preschool fees, he has a job throwing parties, sponsored by Camel cigarettes, in a private lounge upstairs from Emo’s. This is the sort of gig combo that gets someone familiar with roller-derby gals. He used his pull to get me a green wristband at a discount. I arrived at the event pre-medicated after sucking down some weed behind a Dumpster in an alley a half-block south of Temple Street. This made me feel suspiciously like a crackhead, but I didn’t want to pay the seven bucks they were charging for a Pilsner Urquell. When I arrived, a spirited defensive struggle was underway between a team from L.A. and a team from San Diego. This weekend’s derby featured allstar squads from various cities. The one currently skating was, for lack of a better comparison, the Clippers of roller derby, the secondary L.A. team but still definitely superior to San Diego. However, San Diego played it tight between shrill ref-whistle interruptions. Roller-derby penalties seem to be completely malleable; you can send a woman flying through the barrier onto the concrete below and keep on skating, but then sometimes the action will stop for seemingly no reason at all. Every league

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Kakuro Fill in each square in this grid with a digit from 1 to 9. The sum of the digits in each row or column will be the little number given just to the left of or just above that row or column. As with a Sudoku, you canít repeat any digits in a row or column. See the row of two squares in the upper-right of the grid with 14 to the left of it? That means the sum of the digits in those two squares will be 14, and they won’t be the same number (i.e., two 7s). A row or column ends at a black square, so the three-square row in the upper-center with a 17 to the left of it may or may not have digits in common with the 14-row to its right; theyíre considered different ows because thereís a black square between them. Down columns work the same way. Now solve!! psychosudoku@hotmail.com

Find last week’s Psycho Sudoku answers on page 42

AFE<J@EĂ‹ :IFJJNFI; “A Little Bit of Everythingâ€?-more random words in a mesh.

Explore the Channel Islands National Park HIKE... with a naturalist or on your own! ! > & >

by Matt Jones Across 1 1971 album that features “Baba O’Riley� 9 Outcast 15 Overly enthusiastic response 16 Reunion attendees 17 How some tests are graded 18 The Sunflower State 19 ___ Video (Randal’s place of employment in “Clerks�) 20 Pissing off slightly 22 Lindsay who tied with herself for a Worst Actress Razzie by playing two roles 25 Spock’s feature 26 Trigonometry curve 30 Move slyly 31 One who’ll keep you in stitches 32 Dennis Quaid remake of a 1950 film noir thriller 33 Fireworks that shoot “stars� 37 Philip Seymour Hoffman title role of 2005 40 How some things are played or done 41 Find the fountain of youth, so to speak 45 It’s been replaced on food labels by the Reference Daily Intake: abbr. 46 Remove a coupon the quick way 47 Really fun time 51 Like overcooked pasta 53 Prof. Higgins, to Eliza Doolittle, in

“My Fair Lady� 54 #5 hit for Edwin McCain in 1998 55 Go after, like with a housefly 57 Prohibition 58 One way to serve cafe 61 Monks, sometimes 65 Sleeping sickness-carrying fly 66 Circus act that makes people look up 67 Like one of two evils 68 One who quarantines

Down 1 Loops’ alternatives, in fingerprinting 2 Muppets man 3 City in northeast 18-across 4 “___ Punk!� (1998 Matthew Lillard movie) 5 Sch. located in Greenwich Village 6 Suffix after mountain or profit 7 “The Happy Hooker� author Hollander 8 Something to “Blame It On,� in a Milli Vanilli song 9 Resident of 43-down 10 Parsons with a Project 11 Ladder parts 12 Texts at the keyboard 13 Top-ranked tennis player Ivanovic 14 ___ Dark Materials (Philip Pullman trilogy that includes “The Golden Compass�) 21 McDonald’s Corporation mogul Ray 23 Neville who sometimes sings like thi--i--i--is 24 Boy band that reunited in 2008 with the album “Summertime,� for

short 27 Just sitting there 28 Liam Gallagher’s brother 29 Like some targets 34 Designation for some dinosaurs 35 Dark clouds 36 Flashlight battery, perhaps 37 Key in a computer “three-finger saluteâ€? 38 Car make with a four-ringed logo 39 Buggy, in Bristol 42 50 ___ 43 City on the Arabian Sea 44 Offer from a suggestive sort 48 Even though 49 Italian eatery at the mall 50 Less relaxed 52 Tests for high school jrs. 56 Full of smarts 58 Hartsfield-Jackson airport code 59 Take advantage of 60 Actor Lye of “You Can’t Do That on Televisionâ€? 62 In the past 63 Sports league that awards the Conn Smythe Trophy 64 Carrier that folded into American in 2001 Š2008 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@ jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0370.

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Week of July 10 ARIES (March 21-April 19)

“The only way to get a difficult feeling to go away is simply to love yourself for it,� says author Christiane Northrup. “If you think you’re stupid, then love yourself for feeling that way. It’s a paradox, but it works. To heal, you must . . . shine the light of compassion on any areas within you that you feel are unacceptable.� While I personally believe this is a crafty strategy, I suggest adding a twist in order to double its effectiveness: As you’re loving yourself for your difficult feeling, literally laugh out loud at how crazily worried and wound up you are about it.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

According to Harper’s Index, 97 percent of us believe that following our own conscience is a sign of a strong character. On the other hand, 92 percent of us think that obeying authorities shows strong character. What that apparently means is that most of us feel we can and should heed the dictates of our own conscience and please the people who control things. In the coming weeks, I think that might be possible for you to do once or twice. But most the time, I suspect you’ll have to decide between being either an impeccable rebel or loyal devotee. need a bit of messy serendipity mixed in with your law and order.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Some people skip to the end of a book and read the last few pages while they’re still in its early stages. They want to know what will ultimately happen without going through the steps that lead up to it. While it’s harmless to prematurely peek at how a book’s story resolves, trying a similar approach could cause problems if you do it with your life in the coming weeks. Distortions might arise from trying to “time-travel� to a future date and foresee the outcome of a process you’re in the middle of. It could sap your ability to carry out the work you’ll need to do. Or it may fill you with false expectations that cause you to misjudge your allies. Be patient.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Mazel tov is a Hebrew phrase meaning “good luck,� but its literal translation is “may the stars be good to you.� It suggests that stellar energies influence our fate. In his book Jewish Magic and Superstition, Joshua Trachtenberg riffs on Judaism’s ancient debate about the subject: “The stars determine human actions, but they too are creatures of G-d, established by Him to perform this special function, and therefore the influence they

exert is subject to His Will. Repentance, prayer, piety, charity, good deeds . . . are the instruments by means of which man can induce G-d to alter His decrees and consequently to modify the fate that is written in the stars for him.� I offer this, Cancerian, as evidence that the title of my column, “Free Will Astrology,� is not an oxymoron. You have more power to shape your destiny than you imagine -- and now is a perfect time to prove it.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

This oracle was originally commissioned by a spiritual wilderness school to train its students in high-stress meditation. It has been tested by disciplined explorers who’ve learned to be fluid and resourceful in the midst of natural chaos. Now it’s being made available to you, Leo -- just in time for the last stretch of your dash (or crawl) across the wasteland. By contemplating the code phrase that appears at the end of this message, you will discover the key for turning poisons into medicine, taking advantage of your weaknesses, and knowing your direction without a compass. Here it is: Love the beauty and intelligence that are hidden in your darkness.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

In Terry Pratchett’s book Wyrd Sisters, there’s a passage in which he talks abouthow the sun conspires with the forest to pump millions of gallons of sap hundreds of feet from the ground up into the sky. And it all happens “in one great systolic thump too big and loud to be heard.� That’s the kind of activity I recommend for you in the coming weeks, Virgo. Collaborate with the source of all life -- the physical sun, if that’s your preference, or God or Goddess, if that works better for you -- to pull off a huge movement of lifeblood that brings sustenance from below to above.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

In July 1969, astronaut Buzz Aldrin was the second human to walk on the moon. That was the good news. The bad news was that as he carried out his heroic feat, he wet his pants. He testifies to the event in the documentary film In the Shadow of the Moon. I suspect you may soon have a comparable experience, Libra: experiencing a little boo-boo or no-no while you’re riding high. Though it may make you feel vulnerable at the time, it’s trivial in the big scheme of things and isn’t likely to stick with you. How many people even know that Aldrin accidentally peed at his moment of glory?

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SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

About nine million people see this column regularly. On average, nine of them experience a one-in-a-million coincidence each week. In the next seven days, however, I believe as many as 90,000 of my readers will have that kind of mind-blowing synchronicity, and most of them will be Scorpios. That’s because your tribe is in a phase when happy accidents and miraculous flukes are practically unavoidable. Even if you don’t brush up against a one-in-a-million stroke of lucky fate, I bet you’ll be touched by a one-in-a- thousand event.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Beginning in 1951, the U.S. government regularly set off nuclear bombs in the desert 65 miles northwest of Las Vegas. Most of the 1,021 explosions occurred underground, though for 11 years some were also done in the open air. Tourists used to flock to Las Vegas to watch the mushroom clouds, which were visible from that distance. As far as we know, the detonations ceased in 1992. Also as far as we know, the unusual lifestyles of Las Vegas’s inhabitants are not the result of mutations in their DNA caused by radioactive contamination. Let’s use this scenario as a departure point for your own personal inventory, Sagittarius. What dangerous or tempestuous events from your life are now safely confined to the past? Are there any lingering consequences from them? If so, what might you do to heal?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“Ice cream is both innocent and erotic,� writes Klintron on Technoccult.com. “Coffee promises to be both stimulating and relaxing.� These examples illustrate the idea of “paradessence,� or paradoxical essence, which was developed by Alex Shakar in his novel *The Savage Girl.* I suspect that you’ll specialize in paradessence in the coming days, Capricorn. Will that make you feel tormented by crazymaking contradictions or will it excite you with an expanding sense of complex possibilities? It will be largely up to your intentions. Which would you prefer?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s Wallow in Your Envy and Jealousy Week. During this holiday, you may in good conscience explore your covetous resentments and plumb the depths of your longing for what others have attained. Here’s the payoff: Giving yourself this perverse pleasure should keep you relatively free from envy and jealousy for the next

By Rob Brezsny

three months. To get yourself in the mood, read this excerpt from Dave Morrison’s poem “Jealous�: “I am jealous of those who do stupid things and feel no shame. I am jealous of the dead for their reduced workload, jealous of newborn babies for their clean records. I’m jealous of those older than me for what they know, and those younger than me for what they don’t. I am jealous of dogs who don’t think about living, or dying, they just do.�

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

The world’s oldest penises are 400 million years old. Discovered in Scotland in 2001, they’re part of the fossilized remains of an arachnid species known as daddy longlegs. In reporting their find, the paleontologists marveled that the reproductive organ was twothirds the size of the entire creature. Let’s make this ancient genital a power symbol for you, Pisces. (If you prefer, you can focus on the 400-millionyear-old daddy longlegs’ vaginas that were also found.) I hope it inspires you to think back to the time when your sexual desires first began to stir. The future of your intimate relationships will benefit from you reconnecting to the primal purity of your original erotic urges.

In addition to the horoscopes you’re reading here, Rob Brezsny offers EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES and Daily Text Message Horoscopes. To access them online, go to RealAstrology.com. The Expanded Audio Horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700. Rob’s main website is at FreeWillAstrology.com. Check out his book, “Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings� “I’ve seen the future of American literature, and its name is Rob Brezsny.� - Tom Robbins, author of “Jitterbug Perfume� and “Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates�

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THURSDAY (' Roll with It The merry highbrows over at Esotouric (your four-wheeled encyclopedia of L.A. history and mystery) tonight roll out the Hippodrome, the self-described “official free shuttle of downtown’s Art Walk” for its second round at the popular downtown event. The shuttle tours the court, featuring readings, live music and conversation curated by art maven Kim Cooper, whose skill at directed meditation once gave me an out-of-body experience. This mobile salon rolls from 6 to 10 p.m. and is named for the long-defunct Hippodrome Theater on 4th and Main, at one time the largest indoor performance space west of the Mississippi. 5th & Main Streets, downtown L.A. Free. esotouric.com.

FRIDAY (( Murder by Sondheim There’s a special fascination in our popular imagination for slayers of the eminent, a curious tic of democracy worked to the dagger’s hilt by Stephen Sondheim in Assassins, his famously sardonic 1991 musical staged by the West Coast Ensemble set to open at the El Centro Theater tonight. See the fun-loving likes of Leon Czolgosz, Squeaky Fromme and Lee Harvey Oswald, each with gun in hand, but a song in their hearts. The El Centro Theater, 804 N. El Centro Ave., Hollywood. $34. elcentrotheater.com.

SATURDAY () Mani, Pani, Padme, Say Cheese! The art-party crowd will be out in force for “Backscatter II,” the latest happening from the aesthetic obsessionists over at Create:Fixate. This show’s theme is “the basic meditative practice of awareness,” as explored through the work of 35 photographers, including such Siddharthas of the lens as Tait Simpson and Sam Commen. As is usual with C:F events, there will be an “audio” component, including breakbeats and digital R&B from the likes of Aloe Blacc, DJ Buck, Kenneth Graham and more. Art show, 4-7 p.m., party 7 p.m.-2 a.m. Lot 613/ Premiere Events Center, 613 Imperial St., downtown. createfixate.com.

SUNDAY (* Go Brand Yourself Looking for ever more creative and rewarding ways to talk about yourself? Film Industry Network (FIN) will teach you how to promote with the very best of ’em, with proven flackologists imparting time-tested methods of buzzmanship to acolytes eager to break into

the glamorous and exciting world of publicity. You too can be the necessar y talent behind ever y rock 'n' roll band after this panel presentation. Hairpiece and halitosis optional. 3-6 pm, the Atrium Meeting Room at Sony Centur y Plaza, 10000 W. Washington Blvd., Culver City. $10 for members, $15 for nonmembers. filmindustr ynetwork.com.

MONDAY (+ Lows in the High ’80s You can just bet your sweet Spicoli my New Wave Baby backside will occupy a rickety seat at tonight’s showing of the Reagan Age fantasy double-bill of Labyrinth and Xanadu at the New Beverly Cinema. Or Sunday or Tuesday for you lone gunmen out there in Sondheim-land. The first movie was the sword & sorcery third feature by Muppet auteur Jim Henson (a director with his fist up many a famous backside) and the second a memorably daft 1980 musical featuring roller disco, Olivia Newton-John as a muse, and Gene Kelly’s winning delivery of the line, “I don’t have to pretend. It is 1945 all over again.” Don’t expect an audience full of cineastes – well, not sober ones in any event. 7:30 & 9:35 p.m., 7165 W. Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles. newbevcinema.com.

TUESDAY (, Free Melvins! Coldplay might be playing the Forum tonight and Rusted Root the House of Blues, but the robusto wartime economy (thanks, Dubya!) will turn many a broke-ass rocker’s thin-soled feets in the direction of Amoeba Music and the free show by revered sludge-punx The Melvins. These twisted darlings have a new album out on Ipecac titled Nude with Boots and odds are very long they’ll play selections from it, perhaps along with such easy-listening favorites as “Spread Eagle Beagle,” and “Up the Dumper” as well as the customary assortment of bleeps and gargles. 6 p.m. 6400 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood. amoebamusic.com.

WEDNESDAY (Circus! Circus! Tonight, the 138th Edition of “The Greatest Show on Earth” rolls into Staples Center as the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus returns to Los Angeles. Thrill to magical top hats, airborne dogs, hopping elephants, Bengal tigers, high-riding Cossacks, a speeding Globe of Steel and the gravitymocking aerial feats of the Flying Caceres. The circus will be in town through July 20. $15-$95. 1111 S. Figueroa St., downtown. ringling.com.

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LOST COAST: HERE’S THE “LOST” PART ...

Quicksilver queers flaunt it at Outfest BY PAUL BIRCHALL

I

t’s that most wonderful time of the year. No, it’s not Christmas – though some gay apparel would be more than appropriate. In fact, ’tis the season for lusciously caparisoned drag queens to prance down the DGA theater red carpet to watch hot movies about teenage boys trying to get laid (by each other). Yes, it’s time again for Outfest, the annual celebration of films dealing with subject matter relating to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender communities. This year’s festival contains a whopping 212 titles (including roughly 80 features), with many keynote premieres, from director Tim Frywell’s fascinating-sounding Victorian women’s prison mystery, Affinity, to Todd Stephens’s likely D-and-A beefcake fest Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild! Even considering the daunting number of entries on display, the number of works likely to make a crossover to the mainstream is small. Instead, the festival offers an exciting venue for dynamic smaller efforts, which continue to artfully shade in the nuances of queer life. The rise of TV networks like Logo and Here! has created an almost inexhaustible demand for gay cinema – many of Outfest’s releases will ultimately find their way to the cable “airwaves” in this way. And this is both good and bad: It’s good that filmmakers driven to explore queer issues will have a way of showcasing their work. Yet, the fact that so many of these films’ final resting place is the tube pretty much also ensures a generic aspect to their stories; one is unlikely to find films that skirt the edge on cable channels owned by corporations like MTV and CBS. Still, even judging by the selection of films provided for preview, one is struck by the sense that the current queer zeitgeist is less about the need to label behavior and more about the chaotic expression of desire. We are finally seeing a transition from films which depict behavior as being regimentally “gay” or “lesbian” to those in which characters’ actions drift from one gender orientation to the other and back, without labels. It’s indeed a fascinating time for queer cinema. Annlee Ellingson (AE), Amy Nicholson

(AN), and I (PB) checked out the following films (more reviews will apear next week): Bi the Way. In their glib and relentlessly upbeat documentary, co-directors Brittany Blockman and Josephine Decker travel the country, interviewing bisexuals. They talk to an African-American kid in New York, who comes to grips with his own issues of shame before committing to a romance with a guy; and they meet up with a sweet young twentysomething Chicago actor whose doting parents seem only marginally less confused about their son’s sexuality than he is. There are also interviews with tons of giggling college girls who consider themselves adventurous as they swap spit with each other. And there are some downright creepy scenes in which a personal trainer-couple (male and female) go out to play at a swingers’ party. Although one tends to sympathize with the filmmakers’ arguments that folks are more sexually complex than they believe, the cutesy handling of the subject matter is so surface level as to come across as patronizing. Interestingly (and rather sadly), the film also has interviews with an adorable preteen boy, who defines himself as “bisexual” clearly in the hopes of earning the favor of his long-distance dad – who just happens to be Jonathan Caouette, director of the far more transgressive 2003 doc Tarnation. (PB) (Sun., 12:15 p.m., DGA; also Thurs., July 17, 9:45 p.m., DGA) Dolls (Pusinky). Tucked away at sports camp under the watchful eye of her younger brother Vojta, privileged Iska longs to journey with her best friends to Holland in order to spend their last summer together working on a farm and smoking pot. The trio hitchhikes with Vojta reluctantly in tow, taking turns flirting for free food and booze. Seductive asthmatic Karolina is best at this – Vendula is on the heavy side and Iska isn’t interested, it turns out, in anyone but Karolina, eventually driving a wedge between the girls. Much of the action is set at night and/or in clubs, and it’s difficult to decipher all that’s taking place in these darkly photographed scenes – possibly more of an issue on a review copy than on the big screen. But, as each character discovers her own path from girl- to womanhood, Czech

writer-director Karin Babinska’s comingof-age road trip flick hits all the right, if familiar, notes. (AE) (Sat., 2:30 p.m., Fairfax; Mon., 9:30 p.m., Laemmle’s Monica) The Lost Coast. In writer-director Gabriel Fleming’s bleak drama, three San Francisco-based childhood pals, now in their 20s, come together for the annual Halloween Boy’s Town party. Mark (Lucas Alifano) is gay and had a long ago, brief tryst with his pal Jasper (Ian Scott McGregor), who has since “gone straight” and is engaged to be married. Consumed at first with an inexplicable bitterness, the pair bum around the Castro with Mark’s roommate (and fag hag) Lily (Lindsay Benner), engaging in a nonstop fest of spite, pill-popping, and boozery. Fleming’s film is intentionally dark and murky, but that’s all to the point of artfully conveying a bleak underlying mood of romantic despair. The film sometimes drags, but it also often possesses an unsettling mood of unease that borders on the ghostly – even though the only ghost present turns out to be the Spirit of Love Thwarted. (PB) (Sun., 7 p.m., Fairfax) The New Twenty. Thirty is the new 20, as the saying goes – but in writer-director Chris Mason Johnson’s ensemble soaper about a coterie of whiners, 20 is actually the new 16. A group of former best pals from college find themselves growing old without growing wise. Shark-like investment banker Andy (Ryan Locke) is engaged to be married to sexy Julie (Nicole Bilderback), but he suffers a career crisis when he goes into business with a ruthless venture capitalist (Terry Serpico). Julie’s brother Tony (Andrew Wei Lin) falls in love with a handsome college professor (Bill Sage), who happens to have a dark secret – while gay slacker buddy Ben (Colin Fickes) wanks himself cross-eyed to porn because he can’t find true love. Johnson’s film strives to be a St. Elmo’s Fire for the fin de millennium twentysomething, and it’s commendable that the characters are not so much defined by sexual labels as they are by their attempts to satiate their emotional desires. The cast’s a likable bunch – particularly Locke and Lin – but the plot’s lack of dramatic heft is off-putting. (PB) (Sat., 9:30 p.m., DGA; Tues., 7 p.m., Laemmle’s Monica)

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The New World (Le Nouveau Monde). Their families think they’re unconventional, but longtime French couple Lucie and Marion are as normal as it gets: Lucie (Natalia Dontcheva) wants kids, Marion (Vanessa Larré) wants motorcycles. Eventually, Lucie gets her way and what starts as a comedy of double-edged support – Marion only chooses ugly dads for the insemination process – becomes a straight-up drama, complete with saccharine music. Dontcheva and Larré have an earthy chemistry; they don’t kiss much, but they lean on each other constantly. Ludovic Pion-Dumas and Catherine Touzet’s script plunders every 21st century, three-parent Unexpected-Drama-toExpect-When-You’re-Expecting trope. There are plenty of hugs, but this pulse-reading of Parisian gay rights and acceptance stops shy of treacle. Managing to be obvious without being boring, and sensitive without being false or cloying, it’s the rare vitamin that goes down smooth as sugar. (AN) (Fri., 7:15 p.m., Fairfax) Newcastle. Here’s a movie jam-packed with hot blond Australian surfer boys – and not only do they surf, they do so shirtless (and often shorts-less), their toned bodies dripping with salt water and sweat. Really, does an Outfest review of writer-director Dan Castle’s Aussie surf epic need to mention anything else? Castle’s drama centers on three surfing brothers, living not far from Australia’s almost gorgeous Newcastle Beach. Legendary surf champion Victor (Reshad Strik) is now an embittered has-been, sidelined by a knee injury. His towheaded half-brother Jesse (Lachlan Buchanan) is becoming a famous surfer in his own right. And Jesse’s younger brother Fergus (Xavier Samuel) develops a crush on Jesse’s main competition, hunky surfer star Andy (Kirk Jenkins). Frankly, it’s best to watch Castle’s surf opera with the sound turned off: The acting of the beautiful, doe-eyed surfer boys is beyond atrocious, and the Aussie dialect is so unexpectedly impenetrable the film almost needs subtitles. Castle’s cornball cliché-filled script plays like it’s little more than a pilot for Boy Baywatch. Still, Richard Michalak’s cinematography beguilingly captures the greens of the sea and the ➤

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near-balletic movements of the surfers. (PB) (Sun., 9:30 p.m., DGA; Tues., 9:30 p.m., Laemmle’s Monica) Ready? OK! Filling the slot in Outfest’s traditional Young Gay Coming of Age Film category is director James Vasquez’s cheerful but utterly generic comedy about a young lad who dreams not of being on the school football team but of becoming a cheerleader. And why not? He is a peppy young lad who knows his batons from his pompoms. Eventually, horrified and disgusted mom (prissy Carrie Preston, extra starch) comes to grips with her son’s choices, assisted by a kindly gay neighbor (Michael Emerson). The film’s moral lessons are essentially undermined by the stock characters and creaky sitcom atmosphere – and it doesn’t help that the neighbor is unintentionally far creepier than he needs to be. Except for Tara Karsian, as the boy’s narrow-minded school principal, this is a humdrum effort. (PB) (Fri., 7 p.m., Fairfax; also Sat., July 19, 11:30 a.m., Fairfax) Steam. The relaxing vapors of the sauna bind three over-stressed women in writer-director Kyle Schickner’s femmepowerment flick. Divorced mom Laurie (Ally Sheedy) flirts with her son’s hunky coach while battling an ex (Ron Bottitta) more evil than Snidely Whiplash; senior Doris (Ruby Dee) is so walled off from her son’s death that she can’t go to church, let alone receive the affections of a widower (Dick Anthony Williams); and pretty co-ed Elizabeth

(Kate Siegel) has just spent her first night with foxy bi classmate Niala (Reshma Shetty, luscious for all genders), only to duck out for morning Mass with her right wing parents. None of the three bathers knows (or truly cares) about the other’s lives; the steam is an evanescent excuse to make a movie out of three under-developed stories. But while the acting and cinematography aren’t strong enough to redeem Schickner’s predictable melodrama, each of the leads has a crackup smile that keeps us more rooting for than heckling their latest personal disaster. (AN) (Sat., 9:30 p.m., Fairfax) Trinidad. Trinidad, Colorado, it turns out, is the sex change surgery world capital, replacing those old Amsterdam sausage factories we used to read about in the funny papers – at least according to this pleasant, albeit workmanlike documentary from directors PJ Raval

and Jay Hodges. It’s a brisk portrait of life in the otherwise typical small American town, where some of the townsfolk are quite aghast at what their community’s main industry has become. More startlingly, the film contains interviews with the kindly, motherly surgeon, who is not only her company’s president, but is also a client. The

LOST COAST: ... AND HERE’S THE COAST

directors convincingly prove that the clinic’s transgender patients (and doctors) are about as normal as any folks living in a small town – which means that the film itself starts to plod midway through. If the patients and surgeons weren’t themselves transgendered, they’d just be the same folks you’d see anywhere and hardly worthy of

the scrutiny of a full documentary – but, perhaps, that’s Raval and Hodges’s point. (PB) (Fri., 9:45 p.m., DGA; Sun., 1 p.m., REDCAT) The Way I See Things. Writer-director Brian Pera’s intimate – but still haunting – drama is one of this festival’s most deeply personal, idiosyncratic, and delicately constructed films. Sometime after the death of his longtime lover, young Otto (Pera) is dragged off on a road trip by his buddies, who want to snap him out of his mourning. Before long, an exasperated Otto ditches his pals on the road, hooking up with a group of strangers, who convince him to join a commune in the middle of nowhere. There – amid a group of loopy New Age goofuses, who happen to be led by a spooky rich divorcÊe turned guru (Beverly Doggrell) – Otto finds a sort of peace that has little to do with the quack-a-mamie culty philosophy of the other followers. With its rustic, mostly backwoods

setting and long patches of silence, Pera’s film possesses an internal, near-monastic quiet that suggests a deep spirituality; there’s a lot going on, even if it’s mostly on a cerebral and interior level. (PB) (Sat., 1:30 p.m., DGA) XXY. During a vacation holiday with his parents to the coast of Uruguay, teenage boy Alvaro (Martin Piroyansky) falls in love with sweet, beautiful Alex (InÊs Efron), age 15. The problem is that she – or maybe he – is a hermaphrodite, with sex organs of both types. At his/her parents’ orders, Alex is on a constant diet of hormones to keep him/her in a state that is on the female side of the face. Yet Alex, in a rebellious era of adolescence, spitefully quits taking her/his meds and starts to realize some things about himself that shock him greatly. Argentinean writer-director Lucía Puenzo’s remarkably powerful drama skillfully takes the central intimate teen romance to haunting levels of angst and melancholy. Piroyansky’s tortured performance, as a young man who can hardly believe what he’s feeling, is brilliant – a scene where he pleads for his father’s love is incredibly haunting and unexpectedly universal. (PB) (Fri., 7 p.m., DGA)

Outfest. 212 films, including 65 features. At the DGA, Fairfax, Laemmle’s Monica, REDCAT, and other venues, through June 21. General info: outfest.org/fest2008/ Ticket info: (213) 480-7065 or boxoffice@outfest.org.

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LATEST REVIEWS CONTEMPT Struggling screenwriter Paul (Michel Piccoli) and gorgeous wife Camille (Brigitte Bardot) appear to be deliriously in love, but, one day – while meeting with a crass American producer (Jack Palance) about rewrites on a film version of Homer’s Odyssey, to be directed by Fritz Lang (playing himself) – Paul commits a seemingly minor thoughtless action that makes Camille lose all affection and respect for him. Loosely based on Alberto Moravia’s novel A Ghost at Noon, this 1963 drama is the odd stepchild in Jean-Luc Godard’s early filmography ... for the simple, ironic reason that it’s the most conventional. It was a big-budget (by Godard standards) Technicolor/widescreen production with a major international star (Bardot) and an American producer (Joseph E. Levine). While most of the movie unfolds in a fairly straightforward form, Godard still can’t resist playing around a little. The movie is full of long tracking shots: the very opening, set at the studio, is an almost dead-still take of Godard’s cinematographer Raoul Coutard shooting a tracking shot. What he is shooting is not the film within the film, but is Contempt itself; the effect is that of a curtain rising on the action. Contempt was indifferently received at the time, but the years have been more than kind to it; now it seems a masterpiece. (Andy Klein) (Nuart)

ELSA & FRED Legendary Latino actors China Zorrilla and Manuel Alexandre pair off as the titular couple in Marcos Carnevale’s ode to Fellini’s La Dolce Vita. The black-and-white portrait of Anita Ekberg on Elsa’s wall speaks to her lifelong dream to step into Ekberg’s shoes in a recreation of that film’s Trevi Fountain sequence, in which the blonde bombshell – wearing a black evening gown and fur stole – stepped right into the water, as Marcello Mastroianni looked on. Realization of this fantasy appears increasingly unlikely, however, as the widow in her late 70s (or so she claims) is on dialysis for an unnamed fatal disease, a condition she keeps to herself. When reserved Alfredo moves in next door, sassy Elsa sees in him another chance at love and the opportunity to show a hypochondriac old man – just as henpecked by his daughter as he probably was by his late wife – how to enjoy the last years of his life. Elsa and Fred are simply adorable, especially when she convinces him to hash-and-dash at a fancy restaurant. They may be out to recapture their lost youth, but they’re also emotionally mature: The uncovered lies that would put a young movie couple’s relationship in crisis elicit little more than a meaningful dirty look here. Poignantly put: life’s too short. (Annlee Ellingson) (Landmark West Los Angeles, Laemmle’s Fallbrook 7, Laemmle’s One Colorado)

GARDEN PARTY Another sprawling ensemble tale about the hearty portions of hard knocks that Los Angeles dishes out, Garden Party centers on a bunch of dreamers and schemers looking for their next fix – which is sometimes emotional, and sometimes illicit. Among others there’s 15-year-old runaway April (Willa Holland), who poses nude online; sexy, pot-dealing realtor Sally (Vinessa Shaw) and her dense, live-in assistant, Nathan (Alexander Cendese); Todd (Richard Gunn), a wellto-do, porn-addicted painter; and Sammy (Erik Smith), a just-off-the-bus aspiring rocker. Naturally, their stories all intertwine in kinky, twisted fashion. Writer-director Jason Freeland (who did the 1998 adaptation of James Ellroy’s Brown’s Requiem) here seems to be reaching for early Paul Thomas Anderson by way of Tom DiCillo. The metaphorical implications of the title are a real stretch, to say the least, and there are plenty of moments where one is laughing, albeit silently, for reasons probably unintended. But, oddly, it doesn’t totally matter. There are discreet pleasures to be found, especially in Shaw’s wry, devilishly alluring performance. (Brent Simon) (Laemmle’s Sunset 5, Laemmle’s Monica 4, Laemmle’s Playhouse 7)

HAROLD Stop me if you’ve heard the one about a 14year-old (Spencer Breslin), suffering from early-onset male-pattern baldness and bunions, who moves to a new town with his single mom (Ally Sheedy) and older sister; befriends a strange janitor (Cuba Gooding Jr.); faces down a bullying nemesis and needlessly cruel gym teacher; gets arrested for buying high school kids beer; and enters a go-kart race for revenge, glory, and the heart of a girl. Yes, the teen movie boilerplate gets skewed plenty good by director/co-writer T. Sean Shannon, a Saturday Night Live veteran, who manages to even work in a fantasy sequence

highlighting his longstanding predilection for bears. It’s intriguing for a movie built around hair that one of its wigs works so well (Breslin’s chrome dome is sleek and realistic) and one doesn’t (Gooding’s asymmetrical ’fro renders him a most curious Chia Pet). No mind, though. An assortment of cameos (Colin Quinn, Chris Parnell, Dave Attell, Fred Willard) ups the intrigue factor, but it’s Breslin who really carries the day, showcasing crackerjack comic timing throughout. There’s the lingering question of audience – for most of its running time, Harold isn’t quite barbed enough to truly be a film for adults, though several late plot twists and double entendres up the ante. Sometimes, though, strange is just good, and the players here are good enough to sell the premise, even if it is just an elongated comedy sketch. (Brent Simon) (Laemmle’s Monica 4)

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY More than any studio filmmaker working today, Guillermo del Toro knows how to blend practical effects and CGI, maximizing what most captures the eye and imagination about each. It was that sense of collagist skill and detail that made 2004’s Hellboy such a kick in the pants, and, having been only further emboldened by the arthouse success of the Oscar-winning Pan’s Labyrinth, it similarly informs the new sequel, which finds gruff, reluctant crime-fighter Hellboy (Ron Perlman) trying to stop an elven prince, Nuada (Luke Goss), hell-bent on reanimating a long dormant collection of unstoppable, robotic killers. The B-movie roots of the material remain intact, and if the domestic woes of Hellboy and Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) don’t quite bristle with the same angsty, hormonal energy of the first movie, Hellboy II doesn’t abandon its sense of humor about itself or its characters. And, in its own way, it features one of the more daring endings of any studio blockbuster-in-waiting this summer. The action sequences seem very much dictated by studio structure notes, and are sometimes choppily edited or abruptly concluded. Still, one easily forgives these slips, given all the eye-popping creature designs and a troll market sequence that, like the cantina scene from the original Star Wars, will set adolescent imaginations on fire. (Brent Simon) (Citywide)

KABLUEY An unemployed, socially inept 32-year-old, Salman (Scott Prendergast, also writer-director) is dispatched to Texas by his mother to help sisterin-law Leslie (Lisa Kudrow) tend to her two hellraising youngsters while their dad is off fighting in Iraq. Forced to pitch in, Salman takes a humiliating job as the costumed corporate mascot – a sort of cross between a giant faceless Smurf and Marvin from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – of a gone-bust Internet company, passing out fliers on a lonely highway outpost. In the process he learns a few things and experiences an unlikely blossoming of confidence. So, is Kabluey, with its emotionally stunted, man-child protagonist, a complex, seriocomic metaphor about life in wartime? Not really. There are a few obvious if unstated connections made as to why Leslie’s boys are acting out so, but this is primarily a tale of minor-league transcendence that’s willing to exploit the time-honored comic value of padding about in a giant foam suit. The film’s nagging problem is how thinly Salman is sketched; as an actor, Prendergast plays his lead as too much of a collection of selfnegating tics. As a filmmaker, though, he’s great at capturing varying states of agitation and anxiety with idiosyncratic brush strokes, so the movie, after a chaotic opening third, still achieves a certain appeal. (Brent Simon) (Laemmle’s Sunset 5)

MY FATHER MY LORD First-time writer/director David Volach’s modernday revisionist retelling of the story of Abraham and Isaac stars Ilan Griff as Menahem Eidelman, the young son of Rabbi Abraham Eidelman (Assi Dayan) and his wife Esther (Sharon Hacohen). Devout members of Israel’s ultra-orthodox Haredim community, the Eidelmans live their lives in almost perpetual ritual – tireless in their adherence to tradition and blissfully blind in their obedience to God’s perceived commandments. On the eve of a planned vacation to the Dead Sea, however, Menahem exhibits growing curiosity about life and nature, an inquisitiveness which his father’s intensely rehearsed piety is ill-suited to address. Rooted in Volach’s own struggles with the Haredic upbringing he abandoned in his mid-20s, this brisk and simple 74-minute tale feels very much like an essay draped in a poem, suggesting that Volach himself still hasn’t fully reconciled his conflicts. Though beautifully and sensitively made, with tremendous attention to detail, the picture is considerably less profound than it means to be – Fiddler on the Roof essentially made the same points more than three decades ago (with some very catchy tunes, no less). Still, it doesn’t hurt to have them echoed in the experiences of another generation, particularly when the effort is such a pleasure to behold. (Wade Major) (Laemmle’s Music Hall 3,

Laemmle’s Town Center 4)

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S HOMO ERECTUS Ishbo (Adam Rifkin, who also wrote and directed) is the literally bespectacled intellectual of his otherwise brutish caveman tribe. He is constantly overshadowed by his strong, handsome, but moronic brother Thudnik (Hayes MacArthur), particularly when it comes to the affections of Fardart (Ali Larter), the tribe hottie. Even Ishbo’s parents (David Carradine and Talia Shire) treat him with contempt, deriding his silly “inventions,” like pants, the fork, and bicycles. Rifkin – whose last film, Look, was strikingly more satisfying than most of his broad comedies – returns to form with this occasionally amusing unofficial retread of the 1981 Ringo Starr vehicle Caveman. The main difference is that Rifkin is essentially playing a classic early Woody Allen character, even aping, as it were, many of Allen’s mannerisms. But Allen never inserted quite so many belch, poop, and boob jokes. When Ishbo runs into a tribe of scantily clad Amazons (led by Carol Alt), it almost (but not quite) offsets the trauma of seeing an equally scantily clad Ron Jeremy as one of Ishbo’s clansmen. (Andy Klein) (Laemmle’s Music Hall 3)

The Love Guru Fri 1, 3:25, 5:50, 8:15, 10:40; Sat 10:45 a.m., 1, 3:25, 5:50, 8:15, 10:40; Sun 10:45 a.m., 1, 3:25, 5:50, 8:15, 10:35; Mon-Thur 1, 3:25, 5:50, 8:15, 10:35. Meet Dave Fri-Sun 12:10, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10; Mon-Thur 12:35, 2:50, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10. Sex and the City Fri-Sun noon, 3:05, 6:30, 9:50; MonThur 12:30, 3:35, 6:50, 10. WALL-E Fri 1:35, 4:15, 6:55, 9:35; Sat-Sun 10:55

a.m., 1:35, 4:15, 6:55, 9:35; Mon-Thur 1:35, 4:15, 6:55, 9:35. AMC Burbank Town Center 6, 770 N First St, (818) 953-9800. Hancock Fri 12:45, 3:15, 5:45, 8:15, 10:45; Sat 10:15 a.m., 12:45, 3:15, 5:45, 8:15, 10:45; Sun 10:15 a.m., 12:45, 3:15, 5:45, 8:15; Mon-Wed 12:45, 3:15, 5:45, 8:15; Thur 12:45, 3:15, 5:45. Hellboy II: The Golden Army noon, 3, 6, 9.

THE STONE ANGEL Fiery and strong-willed octogenarian Hagar Shipley (fiery and strong-willed septuagenarian Ellen Burstyn) isn’t ready for the old age home, but that’s where son Marvin (Dylan Baker) wants her deposited. Instead, Hagar escapes via bus for Shadow Point, the beloved seaside locale of her youth. While AWOL, Hagar looks back on her life and recalls much tragedy and regret. In flashback, the younger Hagar (Christine Horne, a real find) endures a contentious relationship with her father, who disapproves of her marriage to Bram (Cole Hauser, then later his dad Wings Hauser), a charmer destined for alcoholism and infidelity. On Bram’s farm she struggles to raise her boys, including John, whose recklessness can only lead to trouble. In Canada, Manitoban author Margaret Laurence’s 1964 novel is so venerated it’s taught in high school. Director Kari Skogland makes a valiant attempt at a difficult adaptation, but Laurence’s source material is too emotionally intricate and Skogland’s approach is too careful. There’s such richness to some of the character interactions, especially between Hagar and Marvin, that it’s frustrating when the whole thing develops into an overly reverent slog. While its core concept of dependence bristling against pride is global, the movie feels local, best appreciated by Laurence-worshipping Canadians (who will also fancy the largely Canadian cast, including Ellen Page). For the rest of us, the film could have used a little more of Hagar’s fire. (Mark Keizer) (Landmark West Los Angeles, Laemmle’s Town Center 5, Laemmle’s Playhouse 7)

ALSO OPENING THIS WEEK: Death Defying Acts. When Harry Houdini (Guy Pearce) – not just an escape artist, but also a debunker of spiritualist fraud – arrives in Edinburgh offering $10,000 to anyone who can contact his mother from beyond the grave, he has to grapple with a deceptive psychic (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and her daughter (Saoirse Ronan), even as he falls for the mom. Gillian Armstrong (High Tide, Charlotte Gray) directed from a script by Tony Grisoni (Queen of Hearts). (AK) (Mann Chinese 6) Journey to the Center of the Earth. Special effects expert Eric Brevig makes his directorial debut with this new 3-D version of the classic Jules Verne tale. Brendan Fraser, Josh Hutcherson, Anita Briem, and Seth Meyers star. (AK) (Citywide) Meet Dave. Eddie Murphy plays a humanoid spaceship who falls in love with an earthwoman (Elizabeth Banks). Murphy reteams with director Brian Robbins, who was responsible for – gulp! – Norbit; the screenplay is by Rob Greenberg and former MST3K guy Bill Corbett. Gabrielle Union, Scott Caan, Ed Helms, Judah Friedlander, and Marc Blucas costar. (AK) (Citywide)

SHOWTIMES JULY 11-17, 2008 Note: Times are p.m., and daily, unless otherwise indicated. All times are subject to cha nge without notice.

EXCLUSIVE ENGAGEMENT S T A R T S F R I D A Y , J U L Y 11T H !

LISA KUDROW

SANTA MONICA Laemmle’s Monica (310) 394-9741 Tickets available @ laemmle.com Daily: 1:40 • 4:20 • 7:10 • 9:40

SCOTT PRENDERGAST

CHRISTINE TAYLOR

“VERY FUNNY!” “KUDROW’S STUNNING!”

– Stephen Holden, THE NEW YORK TIMES

– Jim Ridley, VILLAGE VOICE

“THE BEST COMEDY I’VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME. RUSH TO SEE THIS.” – AIN’T IT COOL NEWS

“THIS CHARMING, POINTED COMEDY IS A GENUINE DISCOVERY.” – Stephen Farber, THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

“UNIQUE, TOUCHING AND OFTEN HILARIOUS... A REAL SUMMER TREAT.” – REX REED “FLAT OUT BRILLIANT!” – Roger Moore, ORLANDO SENTINEL

Every family has a black sheep. This one is blue.

KABLUEY

WRITTEN WRITTEN AND AND DIRECTED DIRECTED BY BY SCOTT SCOTT PRENDERGAST PRENDERGAST

BURBANK AMC Burbank 16, 140 E Palm Av, (818) 953-9800. The Dark Knight Thur only, 12:01 a.m.. Glenn Beck ’08 Live Thur only, 8. AMC Burbank Town Center 8, 210 E Magnolia Bl, (818) 953-9800. Get Smart Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:20, 5, 7:45, 10:30; Mon-Thur 2:20, 5, 7:45, 10:30. Hancock Fri-Sun 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:45; Mon-Thur 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:45. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Fri 1:20, 4:05, 7, 9:55; Sat-Sun 10:35 a.m., 1:20, 4:05, 7, 9:55; Mon-Thur 1:20, 4:05, 7, 9:55. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl Fri-Sun 11:50 a.m., 2:25, 4:55, 7:30, 10:05; Mon-Thur 12:40, 3:05, 5:30, 7:55, 10:20.

JULY 10-16, 2008 25 LACITYBEAT

www.kabluey.com

EXCLUSIVE ENGAGEMENT STARTS FRIDAY 7/11! LAEMMLE

SUNSET 5

8000 SUNSET BLVD. • 323-848-3500

12:45, 3:00, 5:15, 7:30, 10:00PM

Q&A WITH FILMMAKER FOLLOWING FRI AND SAT 7:30PM SHOWS!

Iron Man Fri 1:30, 4:15, 7:15, 10:20; Sat-Sun 10:30 a.m., 1:30, 4:15, 7:15, 10:20; Mon-Thur 1:30, 4:15, 7:15, 10:20. Meet Dave 11:20 a.m., 1:50, 4:20, 6:50, 9:20. WALL-E Fri-Sat 12:25, 3:05, 5:50, 8:25, 11:05; Sun-Thur 12:25, 3:05, 5:50, 8:25. Wanted Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:30, 7:20, 10:05; Mon-Thur 1:45, 4:30, 7:20, 10:05.

CULVER CITY, MARINA DEL REY

The Bridge: Cinema De Lux & IMAX Theater, The Promenade at Howard Hughes Center, 6081 Center Dr, Westchester, (310) 568-3375. Get Smart Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:05, 4:40, 7:30, 10:05; Mon-Thur 2:05, 4:40, 7:30, 10:05. Hancock Fri-Sat 11:25 a.m., noon, 1:40, 2:15, 3:55, 4:30, 5:45, 6:10, 7, 8, 8:30, 9:05, 9:35, 10:35, 11, 11:30, midnight; Sun

11:25 a.m., noon, 1:40, 2:15, 3:55, 4:30, 5:45, 6:10, 7, 8, 8:30, 9:05, 9:35, 10:35; Mon-Thur noon, 1:40, 2:15, 3:55, 4:30, 5:45, 6:10, 7, 8, 8:30, 9:05, 9:35, 10:35. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 10:15 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:05, 2:05, 3:55, 4:55, 6:45, 7:45, 9:40, 10:40, 12:25 a.m.; Sun 10:15 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:05, 2:05, 3:55, 4:55, 6:45, 7:45, 9:40, 10:40; Mon-Thur 1:05, 2:05, 3:55, 4:55, 6:45, 7:45, 9:40, 10:40.

You are Cordially Invited to a One-Day Introduction at Pacifica Graduate Institute ! Find Yourself at Pacifica,

Saturday, July 19th in Santa Barbara, California Don’t miss the FINAL FULL-DAY INTRODUCTION before fall classes begin. This special program gives prospective students the opportunity to: • Experience characteristic classroom presentations by core faculty and special guest faculty

Pacifica Graduate Institute is an accredited graduate school offering M.A. and Ph.D. programs in psychology, the humanities, and mythological studies. The school has two campuses nestled between the mountains and the ocean a few miles south of Santa Barbara, California. All of the degree programs are informed by the teachings of C.G. Jung, Joseph Campbell, Marion Woodman, James Hillman, and others in the Depth Psychological Tradition. And, Pacifica’s unique educational format is sensitive to the needs of adult graduate students.

• Learn more about the six degree programs through program-specific information meetings • Explore both of Pacifica's coastal campuses • Meet Pacifica students, alumni, faculty, and staff The $75.00 registration fee includes: • A $25 Gift Certificate for the Pacifica Bookstore • A Continental Breakfast and Buffet Lunch Two Continuing Education Credits are Available Advance registration is required and space is limited. Register today for assured attendance. For more information or to register online visit

www.pacifica.edu or call 805.969.3626, ext. 103

Pacifica is currently accepting applications for Fall 2008 enrollment.

249 Lambert Road Carpinteria, CA 93013

LACITYBEAT 26 JULY 10-16, 2008

The Incredible Hulk 2:35, 5:10, 7:45, 10:25. Iron Man 12:15, 3:15. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sat 11:45 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7, 9:30, 11:45; Sun-Thur 11:45 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7, 9:30. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl noon. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 12:20, 2:40, 5, 7:20, 9:40, midnight; SunThur 12:20, 2:40, 5, 7:20, 9:40. Sex and the City 4:40, 7:40, 10:40. WALL-E Fri-Sat 11:15 a.m., 12:15, 1:40, 2:40, 5:05, 7:30, 9:55, 12:20 a.m.; Sun 11:15 a.m., 12:15, 1:40, 2:40, 5:05, 7:30, 9:55; Mon-Thur 12:15, 1:40, 2:40, 5:05, 7:30, 9:55. Wanted Fri-Sat 11:10 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 1:20, 1:50, 2:20, 4, 4:30, 5, 6:40, 7:10, 7:40, 9:25, 9:55, 10:25, midnight, 12:30 a.m.; Sun 11:10 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 1:20, 1:50, 2:20, 4, 4:30, 5, 6:40, 7:10, 7:40, 9:25, 9:55, 10:25; Mon-Thur 11:40 a.m., 1:20, 1:50, 2:20, 4, 4:30, 5, 6:40, 7:10, 7:40, 9:25, 9:55, 10:25. Culver Plaza Theatre, 9919 Washington Blvd, (310) 8365516. The Incredible Hulk 3:10, 7:40, 10. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 11:30 a.m., 2:15, 5:05, 7:45, 10:10. Iron Man 11:50 a.m., 2:30, 5:05, 7:35, 10:05. Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na 12:30, 3:30, 6:30, 9:30. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 11 a.m., 1:05, 5:30. Mongol 11:45 a.m., 2:20, 5:05, 7:40, 10:15. Sex and the City Fri-Tue 1, 4, 7, 10; Wed 1, 4, 10; Thur 1, 4, 7, 10. Singin’ in the Rain Wed only, 7. Loews Cineplex Marina Marketplace, 13455 Maxella Av, (310) 827-9588. Get Smart Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:15, 7, 9:45; Mon-Thur 1:45, 4:15, 7, 9:45. Hancock Fri-Sun 10:15 a.m., noon, 12:45, 2:20, 3:10, 4:45, 5:30, 7:05, 7:50, 9:30, 10:15; Mon-Thur 12:45, 2:20, 3:10, 4:45, 5:30, 7:05, 7:50, 9:30, 10:15. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sun 10:30 a.m., 12:55, 3:20, 5:45, 8:10, 10:35; Mon-Thur 12:15, 2:45, 5:10, 7:30, 9:55. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Sun 10:05 a.m., 12:25, 2:50, 5:15, 7:35, 10; Mon-Thur 12:25, 2:50, 5:15, 7:35, 10. WALL-E Fri-Sun 10 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:25, 8, 10:25; Mon-Thur 12:30, 3, 5:25, 7:55, 10:20. Pacific Culver Stadium 12, 9500 Culver Bl, (310) 855-7519. Get Smart Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:35, 4:35, 7:10, 9:45; Mon-Thur 11:10 a.m., 1:45, 4:25, 7:15, 9:50. Hancock Fri-Sat 10 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 12:20, 1:05, 1:55, 2:45, 3:25, 4:15, 5:15, 5:50, 7:05, 8:10, 8:45, 9:25, 10:30, 11:05, 11:45; Sun 10 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 12:20, 1:05, 1:55, 2:45, 3:25, 4:15, 5:15, 5:50, 7:05, 8:10, 8:45, 9:25, 10:30, 11:05; Mon-Thur 11:05 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 12:25, 1:25, 2:05, 3:05, 4, 4:30, 5:35, 7:05, 7:10, 7:55, 9:40, 10:25, 10:30. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sun 10:25 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 1:10, 2:10, 4:20, 5:20, 7:15, 8:15, 10, 11; Mon-Thur 11:15 a.m., 12:15, 2, 3, 4:45, 5:45, 7:45, 8:30, 10:35. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sat 10:30 a.m., 1:15, 4, 7, 9:30, midnight; Sun 10:30 a.m., 1:15, 4, 7, 9:30; MonThur 11:30 a.m., 1:50, 4:10, 7, 9:30. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Sat 10:05 a.m., 12:25, 2:40, 4:55, 7:20, 9:40, 11:50; Sun 10:05 a.m., 12:25, 2:40, 4:55, 7:20, 9:40; Mon-Thur 11:55 a.m., 2:15, 4:35, 7:05, 9:40. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 10:10 a.m., 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:50, 11:55; Sun 10:10 a.m., 12:30, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 9:50; MonThur 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 4:55, 7:40, 10. WALL-E Fri-Sat 10:15 a.m., 11:10 a.m., 12:45, 1:50, 3:10, 4:30, 5:45, 7:25, 8:25, 9:55, 11:10; Sun 10:15 a.m., 11:10 a.m., 12:45, 1:50, 3:10, 4:30, 5:45, 7:25, 8:25, 9:55, 11:05; Mon-Thur 11:25 a.m., 12:20, 2, 3:10, 4:50, 5:40, 7:15, 8:10, 9:55, 10:40. Wanted Fri-Sat 11:05 a.m., 1:45, 4:15, 7, 9:35, midnight; Sun 11:05 a.m., 1:45, 4:15, 7, 9:35; Mon-Thur 11 a.m., 1:40, 4:20, 7:25, 10:10. UA Marina, 4335 Glencoe Av, (310) 823-1721. Hellboy II: The Golden Army 9:50 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 12:40, 1:30, 3:30, 4:30, 7, 7:40, 9:50, 10:30. The Incredible Hulk 7:10, 10:10. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 9:30 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 2:10, 4:40. Meet Dave 9:40 a.m., 12:10, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10:20. Open Captioned Performance - Selected Film - Daily Fri-Tue; Thur. Wanted 10 a.m., 11 a.m., 1:20, 2:20, 4:10, 5:10, 7:20, 7:50, 10, 10:40.

DOWNTOWN & SOUTH L.A.

Laemmle’s Grande 4-Plex, 345 S Figueroa St, (213) 6170268. Hancock Fri 5:40, 8, 10:15; Sat-Sun 1, 3:20, 8, 10:15; Mon-Thur 5:40, 8. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 4:20, 7:10, 10; Sat-Sun 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 10; Mon-Thur 5:20, 8:10. Meet Dave Fri 5:30, 7:50, 10:10; Sat-Sun 1, 3:10, 5:30, 7:50, 10:10; Mon-Thur 5:30, 7:50. WALL-E Fri 4:30, 7, 9:25; Sat-Sun 1:40, 4:30, 7, 9:25; MonThur 5:30, 8. Magic Johnson Theaters, Baldwin Hills Crenshaw Plaza, 4020 Marlton Av, (323) 290-5900. The Dark Knight Thur only, 12:01 a.m.. Hancock Fri-Sun 10 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 12:30, 1:15, 2:15, 3, 3:45, 4:50, 5:35, 6:15, 7:30, 8, 8:45, 10, 10:30; Mon-Thur 12:30, 1:15, 2:15, 3, 3:45, 4:50, 5:35, 6:15, 7:30, 8, 8:45, 10, 10:30. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 10:15 a.m., 2:25, 5:20, 8:20, 11:15; Sun 10:15 a.m., 2:25, 5:20, 8:20; Mon-Thur 2:25, 5:20, 8:20. The Incredible Hulk Fri-Sun 11:45 a.m., 2:35, 5:15, 7:55, 10:35; Mon-Thur 2:35, 5:15, 7:55, 10:35. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sun 11:55 a.m., 2:05, 4:30, 7:10, 9:40; Mon-Thur 2:05, 4:30, 7:10, 9:40. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Sun 10:05 a.m., 12:35, 2:55, 5:10; MonThur 12:35, 2:55, 5:10. Meet Dave Fri-Sun 9:50 a.m., 10:20 a.m., 11 a.m., 12:20, 1:45, 2:20, 2:50, 4:15, 4:45, 5:25, 7, 7:15, 7:45, 9:30, 9:45, 10:20; Mon-Thur 12:20, 1:45, 2:20, 2:50, 4:15, 4:45, 5:25, 7, 7:15, 7:45, 9:30, 9:45, 10:20. WALL-E Fri-Sun 11:40 a.m., 12:10, 2:10, 2:40, 4:55, 5:30, 7:20, 7:50, 9:50, 10:25; Mon-Thur 12:10, 2:10, 2:40, 4:55, 5:30, 7:20, 7:50, 9:50, 10:25. Wanted Fri-Sun 11:20 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 2, 2:30, 4:40, 5:25,

“‘HANCOCK’ IS BY FAR THE MOST ENJOYABLE“‘ .”BIG MOVIE OF THE SUMMER.” THE NEW YORKER, David Denby

“HUGELY

ENTERTAINING!

WILL SMITH IS ON FIRE. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A STAR

SHINING ON HIS HIGHEST BEAMS. YOU FOLLOW HIM ANYWHERE.” ROLLING STONE, Peter Travers

“...THIS SUPERHERO STORY COMES WITH SOME BITE...

LADEN WITH GENUINE TWISTS AND GROUNDED BY THREE APPEALING LEAD PERFORMANCES... ...‘HANCOCK’...SPEAKS HONESTLY TO THE FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN FRAGILITY THAT MAKES THE GREATEST HEROES SUPER.” THE NEW YORK TIMES, Manohla Dargis

“I HAVE

BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR YEARS: A SUPERHERO MOVIE WHERE THE ACTIONS OF THE SUPERHEROES HAVE CONSEQUENCES IN THE REAL WORLD. ‘HANCOCK’ IS A LOT OF FUN...” CHICAGO SUN-TIMES, Roger Ebert

“...AN

IMPRESSIVE AND AFFECTING SUPERHERO ADVENTURE WITH AS MUCH HEART AND SOUL AS SOUND AND FURY.” HOUSTON CHRONICLE, Joe Leydon

“...‘HANCOCK’ IS SMART... A ROLLICKING TALE OF

REHABILITATION AND REDEMPTION, RIFE WITH COOL SPECIAL EFFECTS...” THE PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER, Steven Rea

COLUMBIMUSICA PICTURES PRESENTS IN ASSOCI ATION WITH RELATIVITY MEDIA A BLUE LIGHT/WEED ROAD PICTURES/OVERBROOK ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTION A FILM BY PETER BERG CHARLIZE THERON “HANCOCK” JASON BATEMAN EDDIE MARSAN EXECUTIVE WRITTEN PRODUCED MUSIC BY VY VINCENT NGO AND VINCE GILLI GAN BY AKIVA GOLDSMAN MICHAEL MANN WILL SMITH JAMES LASSITER SUPERVISION BY GEORGE DRAKOULIAS BY JOHN POWELL PRODUCERS IAN BRYCE JONATHAN MOSTOW RICHARD SAPERSTEIN DIRECTED BY PETER BERG

NOW PLAYING HOLLYWOOD ArcLight Cinemas At The Dome 323/464-4226 Digital Projection Daily 12:10, 3:15, 5:40, 8:30 & 11:10 PM ArcLight Cinemas At Sunset & Vine 323/464-4226 On 3 Screens 35MM Projection Fri-Sun 10:05 & 11:25 AM, 1:00, 1:45, 2:25, 4:05, 4:45, 7:00, 7:35, 7:55, 9:55 & 10:35 PM Mon 11:25 AM, 1:00, 1:45, 2:25, 4:05, 4:45, 7:00, 7:35, 7:45, 9:55 & 10:35 PM Tue 11:15 & 11:25 AM, 1:00, 1:45, 2:25, 4:05, 4:45, 7:00, 7:35, 7:55, 9:55 & 10:35 PM Wed & Thur 11:25 AM, 1:00, 1:45, 2:25, 4:05, 4:45, 7:00, 7:35, 8:05, 9:55 & 11:05 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:05 AM 4 Hours Validated Parking - $2

SANTA MONICA AMC Santa Monica 7 • 310/289-4AMC On 2 Screens Fri 11:45 AM, 12:30, 2:10, 3:00, 4:40, 7:00, 7:45, 9:30 & 10:10 PM Sat & Sun 11:45 AM, 12:30, 2:10, 2:50, 4:40, 7:00, 7:45, 9:30 & 10:10 PM Mon-Thur 12:30, 2:10, 3:00, 4:30, 7:00, 7:45, 9:30 & 10:10 PM AMC Loews Broadway 4 • 800/FANDANGO #706 Fri-Sun 10:45 AM, 1:05, 3:30, 5:50, 8:20 & 10:45 PM Mon-Thur 1:00, 3:15, 5:30, 8:00 & 10:15 PM

CENTURY CITY AMC Century 15 • 310/289-4AMC On 3 Screens Fri & Sat 9:30 & 10:10 AM, 12:00, 12:40, 2:30, 3:10, 4:20, 5:00, 5:40, 7:00, 7:40, 8:20, 9:40 & 10:20 PM Sun 10:10 AM, 12:00, 12:40, 2:30, 3:10, 4:20, 5:00, 5:40, 7:00, 7:40, 8:10, 9:30, 10:00 & 10:30 PM Mon & Wed 10:50 AM, 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 6:20, 7:10, 8:05, 8:50, 9:40 & 10:35 PM Tue 10:50 AM, 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 6:20, 8:05, 8:50, 10:15 & 10:45 PM Thur 10:50 AM, 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 7:10, 8:05, 9:40 & 10:50 PM Fri & Sat Late Shows 11:05 PM & 12:10 AM 3 Hours Free Parking Additional 2 Hour Parking $3.00 with AMC Validation

SHERMAN OAKS Arclight Cinemas At The Sherman Oaks Galleria 818/501-0753 On 4 Screens Fri-Sun 10:35 & 11:20 AM, 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 3:35, 4:15, 5:05, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35 & 11:15 PM Mon 11:20 AM, 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 4:15, 5:05, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:40, 9:40 & 11:15 PM Tue 11:20 AM, 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 4:15, 5:05, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35 & 11:15 PM Wed 11:20 AM, 12:05, 1:55, 4:15, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35 & 11:15 PM Thur 11:20 AM, 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 4:15, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 9:40 & 10:20 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:00 Midnight 4 Hours Free Validated Parking

L.A./BEVERLY HILLS Pacific’s The Grove Stadium 14 • 323/692-0829 #209 On 3 Screens Fri-Wed 9:25, 9:50, 10:50 & 11:35 AM, 12:15, 1:40, 2:20, 2:50, 4:10, 4:55, 5:15, 7:05, 7:35, 8:10, 10:00, 10:30 & 11:05 PM Thur 9:25, 9:50, 10:50 & 11:35 AM, 12:15, 1:40, 2:20, 2:50, 4:10, 4:55, 5:15, 7:05, 7:35, 8:10, 9:45, 10:05 & 11:05 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 12:20 AM 4 Hours On-Site Validated Parking Only $2.00

UNIVERSAL CITY CityWalk Stadium 19 with IMAX® 800/FANDANGO #707 On 5 Screens Fri & Sat 11:40 AM, 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 8:50, 9:20, 10:10 & 10:50 PM Sun 11:40 AM, 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 8:50, 9:20, 10:10 & 10:40 PM Mon-Thur 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 8:50, 9:20, 10:10 & 10:40 PM Fri & Sat Late Shows 11:15 & 11:50 PM Movie Parking Rebate $5 General Parking Rebate at Box Office with Movie Ticket Purchase (Excludes Preferred & Valet)

AND AT A THEATER NEAR YOU

FOR ADDITIONAL INFORMATION CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS. SORRY, NO PASSES ACCEPTED FOR THIS ENGAGEMENT.

5

WESTWOOD Mann Village 310/248-MANN #051 Digital Projection Daily 11:30 AM, 2:00, 4:20, 7:00 & 9:30 PM $3.00 Parking After 6:00 PM in Privilege Parking Lots $1.00 Refund with Paid Admission

WEST LOS ANGELES The Bridge Cinema De Lux 310/568-3375 On 5 Screens Digital Projection Fri-Sun 10:25 & 11:25 AM, 12:00, 12:40, 1:40, 2:15, 2:55, 3:55, 4:30, 5;10, 6:10, 7:00, 7:30, 8:30, 9:35 & 10:05 PM Mon-Thur 12:00, 12:40, 1:40, 2:15, 2:55, 3:55, 4:30, 5:10, 6:10, 7:00, 7:30, 8:30, 9:35 & 10:05 PM Fri & Sat Late Shows 11:00 PM, 12:00 Midnight & 12:30 AM 35MM Projection Daily 5:45, 8:00, 9:05 & 10:35 PM Fri & Sat Late Show 11:30 PM

7:35, 8:15, 10:10, 10:50; Mon-Thur 2, 2:30, 4:40, 5:25, 7:35, 8:15, 10:10, 10:50. University Village 3, 3323 S Hoover St, (213) 7486321. The Dark Knight Midnight Thur only,. Hancock Fri-Sat 11:15 a.m., 1:30, 3:45, 6, 8:15, 10:30, 12:45 a.m.; Sun-Thur 11:15 a.m., 1:30, 3:45, 6, 8:15, 10:30. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2:15, 5, 7:45, 10:25, 12:45 a.m.; Sun-Thur 11:30 a.m., 2:15, 5, 7:45, 10:25. WALL-E Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30, midnight; Sun-Thur 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30.

HOLLYWOOD

ArcLight Cinemas Hollywood, 6360 Sunset Bl, (323) 464-4226. American Teen Wed only, 8. Baghead Tue only, 8.

Hancock Fri-Sat 10:05 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1, 1:45, 2:25, 3:15, 4:05, 4:45, 5:40, 7, 7:35, 7:55, 8:30, 9:55, 10:35, 11:10, 12:05 a.m.; Sun 10:05 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1, 1:45, 2:25, 3:15, 4:05, 4:45, 5:40, 7, 7:35, 7:55, 8:30, 9:55, 10:35, 11:10; Mon 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1, 1:45, 2:25, 3:15, 4:05, 4:45, 5:40, 7, 7:35, 7:45, 8:30, 9:55, 10:35, 11:10; Tue 11:15 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1, 1:45, 2:25, 3:15, 4:05, 4:45, 5:40, 7, 7:35, 7:55, 8:30, 9:55, 10:35, 11:10; Wed 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1, 1:45, 2:25, 3:15, 4:05, 4:45, 5:40, 7, 7:35, 7:45, 8:30, 9:55, 11:05, 11:10. The Incredible Hulk Fri-Sun 10:40 a.m., 1:40, 4:50, 7:40, 10:20; Mon 11 a.m., 1:40, 4:50, 7:40, 10:20; Tue 11:10 a.m., 1:40, 4:50, 7:40, 10:20; Wed 11 a.m., 1:40, 4:50. Iron Man Fri-Sun 10:15 a.m., 1:15, 4:15, 7:45, 10:45; Mon 11:05 a.m., 1:55, 5:05, 7:55, 10:45;

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# WEST HOLLYWOOD Laemmle’s Sunset 5 (323) 848-3500 Tickets available @ laemmle.com Daily: 1:00 • 4:00 • 7:00 • 9:55

# WEST LOS ANGELES The LANDMARK at W. Pico & Westwood (310) 281-8233 Free Parking. www.landmarktheatres.com On 2 Screens Daily: 11:00 • 12:00 • 1:50 2:50 • 4:40 • 5:40 • 7:35 • 8:30 • 10:25

# PASADENA ! CLAREMONT " IRVINE Laemmle’s Laemmle’s Claremont 5 Edwards Westpark 8 Playhouse 7 (909) 621-5500 Tickets (800) FANDANGO #144 (626) 844-6500 available @ laemmle.com " LAGUNA NIGUEL ! ENCINO Tickets available Regency Rancho @ laemmle.com Laemmle’s Town Center 5 Niguel 8 (818) 981-9811 (949) 831-0446 SORRY, NO PASSES ACCEPTED FOR THIS ENGAGEMENT

"

!

#

tellnoonemovie.com

2 NYC. SUMMER 1994. THE GIRLS WERE FLY. THE MUSIC WAS DOPE. AND LUKE WAS JUST TRYING TO DEAL. BEN JOSH FAMKE OLIVIA MARY-KATE METHOD KINGSLEY PECK JANSSEN THIRLBY OLSEN MAN

“HILARIOUS AN D HE ARTFELT! JOSH PECK OLIVIA THIRLBY

AND ARE TERRIFIC!” -Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

“EXCELLENT!

IN THE AISLES. ‘THE WACKNESS’ HAD VIEWERS ROLLING ED!”

SHARPLY WRITTEN AND OBSERV

-Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

CK DTRA SOUN URING FEAT S B.I.G., N, RIOU NOTO -TANG CLA T, UES WU NAS, CALLED Q D E AN A TRIB ZZY JEFF CE, DJ JA ESH PRIN R THE F MARKIE BIZ

WINNER SUNDANCE

AUDIENCE AWARD FILM FESTIVAL FESTIVAL FILM

WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JONATHAN LEVINE SOUNDTRACK AVAILABLE ON JIVE/ZOMBA

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, UNIVERSAL CITY

WWW.SONYCLASSICS.COM

! WEST LOS ANGELES ! HOLLYWOOD The LANDMARK at W. Pico & Westwood (310) 281-8233 ArcLight Cinemas At Sunset & Vine (323) 464-4226 On 2 Screens Fri. & Sat.: 10:10 • 11:15 • 1:10 • 2:15 • 4:20 • 5:15 • 7:10 Free Parking. www.landmarktheatres.com On 2 Screens Fri.: 12:00 • 1:15 • 2:30 • 3:45 • 5:00 • 6:15 8:05 • 9:40 • 11:05 • 11:55 Sun.: 10:10 • 11:15 • 1:10 • 2:15 • 4:20 • 5:15 7:30 • 8:45 • 10:00 Sat.: 12:00 • 1:15 • 2:30 • 5:00 • 7:30 7:10 • 8:05 • 9:40 • 11:05 Mon. & Wed.: 11:15 • 1:10 • 2:15 • 4:20 8:45 • 10:00 Sun. - Wed.: 12:00 • 2:30 • 5:00 • 7:30 • 10:00 5:15 • 7:10 • 8:05 • 9:40 • 11:05 Tues.: 11:45 • 1:10 • 2:15 • 4:20 • 5:15 Thurs.: 12:00 • 1:15 • 2:30 • 3:45 • 5:00 • 7:30 • 10:00 7:10 • 9:40 Thurs.: 11:15 • 1:10 • 2:15 • 4:20 • 5:15 • 7:00 • 7:55 • 9:20 " SANTA MONICA Laemmle’s Monica (310) 394-9741 Tickets available @ laemmle.com Daily: 1:50 • 4:30 • 7:20 • 9:45

! SHERMAN OAKS ArcLight Cinemas At The Sherman Oaks Galleria (818) 501-0753 Daily: 11:35 • 2:10 • 4:35 • 7:30 • 10:10

! PASADENA " IRVINE Edwards University Town Laemmle’s Playhouse 7 Cinemas Center 6 (800) FANDANGO #143 (626) 844-6500 Tickets available @ laemmle.com

SORRY, NO PASSES ACCEPTED FOR THIS ENGAGEMENT "Presented in

Tue 1:25, 4:15, 7:45, 10:45; Wed 1:25, 4:15. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Sun 10:30 a.m., 1:30, 4:40, 7:30, 9:50; Tue-Wed 11:20 a.m., 1:30, 4:40, 7:30, 9:50. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7:20, 10, 12:10 a.m.; Sun-Wed 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7:20, 10. Mongol Fri-Sun 10:50 a.m., 1:50, 5, 7:50, 10:30; Mon 11:10 a.m., 1:50, 5, 7:50, 10:30; Tue-Wed 11 a.m., 1:50, 5, 7:50, 10:30. Sex and the City Fri-Sun 10:25 a.m., 1:25, 4:25, 7:25, 10:25; Mon 1:25, 4:25, 7:25, 10:25; Tue 1:05, 4:05, 7:25, 10:25; Wed 1:05, 4:05, 7:40, 10:40. A Star Is Born Wed only, 8. The Wackness Fri-Sat 10:10 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:10, 2:15, 4:20, 5:15, 7:10, 8:05, 9:40, 11:05, 11:55; Sun 10:10 a.m., 11:15 a.m., 1:10, 2:15, 4:20, 5:15, 7:10, 8:05, 9:40, 11:05; Mon 11:15 a.m., 1:10, 2:15, 4:20, 5:15, 7:10, 8:05, 9:40, 11:05; Tue 11:45 a.m., 1:10, 2:15, 4:20, 5:15, 7:10, 9:40; Wed 11:15 a.m., 1:10, 2:15, 4:20, 5:15, 7:10, 8:05, 9:40, 11:05. Wanted Fri-Sun 10 a.m., 10:55 a.m., 1:35, 4:10, 4:55, 7:15, 9:30, 10:15; Mon 1:35, 4:10, 4:55, 7:15, 9:30, 10:15; Tue-Wed 11:05 a.m., 1:35, 4:10, 4:55, 7:15, 9:30, 10:15. Grauman’s Chinese, 6925 Hollywood Bl, (323) 464-8111. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 1:30, 4:30, 7:30, 10:30; Sat-Thur 10:30 a.m., 1:30, 4:30, 7:30, 10:30. Los Feliz 3, 1822 N Vermont Av, (323) 664-2169. Hancock 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. The Visitor 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. Wanted 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. Mann Chinese 6, 6801 Hollywood Bl, (323) 4613331. Death Defying Acts 12:10, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:20. Get Smart Fri-Sun 10:50 a.m., 1:40, 4:40, 7:20, 10; Mon 1:40, 4:40, 7:20, 10; Tue-Thur 10:50 a.m., 1:40, 4:40, 7:20, 10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 11 a.m., noon, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 11, midnight; Sun-Mon 11 a.m., noon, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9; Tue 11 a.m., 2, 5, 8; WedThur 11 a.m., noon, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9. Journey to the Center of the Earth 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:50, 10:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D 11:20 a.m., 1:50, 4:20, 7, 9:20. Private Screening Mon 10 a.m.; Tue 7. Pacific’s El Capitan, 6838 Hollywood Bl, (323) 467-7674. WALL-E 10 a.m., 1, 4, 7, 9:45. Pacific’s The Grove Stadium 14, 189 The Grove Dr, Third St & Fairfax Av, (323) 692-0829. Get Smart 2:05, 5, 7:55, 10:50. Hancock Fri-Sat 9:25 a.m., 9:50 a.m., 10:50 a.m., 11:35 a.m., 12:15, 1:40, 2:20, 2:50, 4:10, 4:55, 5:15, 7:05, 7:35, 8:10, 10, 10:30, 11:05, 12:20 a.m.; Sun-Wed 9:25 a.m., 9:50 a.m., 10:50 a.m., 11:35 a.m., 12:15, 1:40, 2:20, 2:50, 4:10, 4:55, 5:15, 7:05, 7:35, 8:10, 10, 10:30, 11:05; Thur 9:25 a.m., 9:50 a.m., 10:50 a.m., 11:35 a.m., 12:15, 1:40, 2:20, 2:50, 4:10, 4:55, 5:15, 7:05, 7:35, 8:10, 9:45, 10:05, 11:05. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 9:15 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:25, 2:40, 4:30, 5:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:40, 11:30, 12:25 a.m.; Sun-Thur 9:15 a.m., 10:30 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 1:25, 2:40, 4:30, 5:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:40, 11:30. Journey to the Center of the Earth 9:35 a.m., 12:10, 2:45, 5:25. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D 9:10 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:25, 10:10. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl Fri-Wed 10:25 a.m., 1:20, 4:15, 7:10, 10:15; Thur 10:25 a.m., 1:20, 4:15, 7:10, 9:50. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Wed 11:10 a.m., 1:45, 4:20, 7, 10:05; Thur 11:10 a.m., 1:45, 4:20. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 9:20 a.m., 10:05 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 12:30, 2:10, 3:05, 4:40, 5:40, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:10, 12:35 a.m.; Sun 9:20 a.m., 10:05 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 12:30, 2:10, 3:05, 4:40, 5:40, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:10; Mon 10:05 a.m., 11 a.m., 12:30, 2:10, 3:05, 4:40, 5:40, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:10; Tue-Wed 9:20 a.m., 10:05 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 12:30, 2:10, 3:05, 4:40, 5:40, 7:15, 8:15, 10:20, 11:10; Thur 9:20 a.m., 10:05 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 12:30, 2:10, 3:05, 4:40, 5:40, 7:15, 8:15, 9:55, 11:10. Sex and the City 7:45, 11:15. Wanted 10:45 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30, 2:35, 4:25, 5:35, 7:20, 8:20, 10:25, 11:20. Regent Showcase, 614 N La Brea Av, (323) 9342944. Holding Trevor 5:30, 7:30, 9:30. Vine, 6321 Hollywood Bl, (323) 463-6819. Vista, 4473 Sunset, (323) 660-6639. The Dark Knight Thur only, midnight. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 4:15, 7, 9:40; Sat-Sun 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:40; Mon-Thur 4:15, 7, 9:40.

!Presented in

VIEW THE TRAILER AT WWW.THEWACKNESS.COM

Century 8, 12827 Victor y Bl, (818) 508-6004. The Dark Knight Midnight Thur only,. Get Smart 11:05 a.m., 1:45, 4:35, 7:20, 9:55. Hancock 10:20 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:40, 1:50, 3, 4:10, 5:20, 6:30, 7:40, 8:50, 10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army 11:10 a.m., 1:55, 4:40, 7:25, 10:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth 10:30 a.m., 12:50, 3:10, 5:25, 7:45, 10:05. Meet Dave 10:40 a.m., 1, 3:20, 5:35, 7:55, 10:15. WALL-E Fri-Wed 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30; Thur 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7. Wanted Fri-Wed 12:15, 2:45, 5:15, 7:50, 10:25;

LACITYBEAT 28 JULY 10-16, 2008

Thur 12:15, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45, 10:15. Loews CityWalk Stadium 19 with IMAX, 100 Universal City Dr at Universal CityWalk, (818) 5080588; IMAX Theater (818) 760-8100. The Dark Knight Thur only, 12:15 a.m., 12:40 a.m., 1 a.m. The Dark Knight: The IMAX Experience IMAX Thur only, 12:01 a.m., 3:15 a.m. Get Smar t Fri-Sun 11:05 a.m., 1:45, 4:15, 7:05, 9:50; Mon-Thur 1:45, 4:15, 7:05, 9:50. Hancock Fri-Sat 11:40 a.m., 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 8:50, 9:20, 10:10, 10:50, 11:15, 11:50; Sun 11:40 a.m., 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 8:50, 9:20, 10:10, 10:40; Mon-Wed 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 4:40, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 8:50, 9:20, 10:10, 10:40; Thur 12:10, 12:45, 1:10, 2:10, 2:40, 3:20, 3:50, 4:10, 5:10, 5:50, 6:20, 6:50, 7:30, 8:20, 9:20, 10:10, 10:40. The Happening Fri-Sat 5:35, 10:55; Sun-Wed 5:35, 10:40; Thur 5:35. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 11 a.m., 12:05, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12:05 a.m.; Sun 11 a.m., 12:05, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10:45; Mon-Wed 12:05, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10:45; Thur 12:05, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10:45, 11:45. The Incredible Hulk Fri-Sat 11:55 a.m., 2:50, 5:40, 8:30, 11:10; Sun 11:55 a.m., 2:50, 5:40, 8:30; Mon-Tue 2:50, 5:40, 8:30; Thur 5:40, 8:30. Iron Man Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 8:05; Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 7:55; Mon-Wed 2:30, 7:55; Thur 2:30. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sat 12:20, 2:55, 5:30, 8:10, 10:40; Sun-Thur 12:20, 2:55, 5:30, 8:10, 10:35. Journey to the Center of the Ear th 3D Fri-Sat 11:25 a.m., 1:55, 4:30, 7:10, 9:30, midnight; Sun 11:25 a.m., 1:55, 4:30, 7:10, 9:30; MonThur 1:55, 4:30, 7:10, 9:30. Kung Fu Panda: The IMAX Experience IMAX Sat-Sun 12:30, 3:10, 5:20, 7:45, 10:15; IMAX Tue 12:30, 3:10, 5:20; IMAX Wed-Thur 12:30, 3:10. The Love Guru Fri-Sat 11:45. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 11:50 a.m., 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:40, 12:10 a.m.; Sun 11:50 a.m., 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:40; Mon-Wed noon, 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:40; Thur noon, 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:30. WALL-E Fri-Sun 11:10 a.m., noon, 12:50, 1:40, 2:25, 3:40, 4:50, 6:40, 7:40, 9:15, 10:30; MonWed noon, 12:50, 1:40, 2:25, 3:40, 4:50, 6:40, 7:40, 9:15, 10:30; Thur noon, 12:50, 1:40, 2:25, 3:40, 4:50, 7:40, 10:30. Wanted Fri-Sat 11:10 a.m., 12:40, 1:50, 3:30, 4:25, 6:10, 7:20, 9:10, 10:20, 11:55; Sun 11:10 a.m., 12:40, 1:50, 3:30, 4:25, 6:10, 7:20, 9:10, 10:20; Mon-Thur 12:40, 1:50, 3:30, 4:25, 6:10, 7:20, 9:10, 10:20. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan Fri-Wed 7:50, 10:35.

NORTHRIDGE, CHATSWORTH, GRANADA HILLS

Mann Granada Hills, Devonshire St & Balboa Av, (818) 363-3679. The Dark Knight Midnight Thur only, midnight. Get Smar t 11 a.m., 1:40, 4:20, 7:20, 10:10. Hancock 11:50 a.m., 12:20, 2:10, 2:50, 4:30, 5:10, 6:50, 7:40, 9, 9:30, 10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army 10:20 a.m., 1:20, 4:40, 7:30, 10:20. Journey to the Center of the Earth 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:50, 7:10, 9:40. Kung Fu Panda 10:40 a.m., 1:10, 3:50, 6:30. Meet Dave 10:50 a.m., 1:30, 4:10, 7, 9:10. WALL-E 10:30 a.m., 1, 3:40, 6:40, 9:20. Wanted 11:20 a.m., 2:20, 5, 7:50, 10:30. Pacific’s Northridge Fashion Center All Stadium 10, 9400 N Shirley Av, (818) 501-5121. Get Smar t Fri 1:25, 4:15, 7:05, 10; Sat 10:45 a.m., 1:25, 4:15, 7:05, 10; Sun 10:45 a.m., 1:25, 4:15, 7:05, 9:50; Mon-Thur 1:25, 4:15, 7:05, 9:50. Hancock Fri-Sun 11:45 a.m., 2:20, 4:45, 7:15, 9:45; Mon-Thur 12:15, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45, 10:10. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 1:40, 4:30, 7:30, 10:20; Sat 10:40 a.m., 1:40, 4:30, 7:30, 10:20; Sun 10:40 a.m., 1:40, 4:30, 7:30, 10:15; Mon-Thur 1, 4:30, 7:30, 10:15. The Incredible Hulk Fri 1:50, 4:35, 7:25, 10:10; Sat 11 a.m., 1:50, 4:35, 7:25, 10:10; Sun 11 a.m., 1:50, 4:35, 7:25, 10:05; Mon-Thur 1:10, 4:35, 7:25, 10:05. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri-Sun 11:30 a.m., 1:55, 4:20, 7, 9:30; Mon-Thur 12:55, 4:20, 7, 9:30. Kung Fu Panda Fri 2:05, 4:40, 7:20, 9:50; Sat 11:25 a.m., 2:05, 4:40, 7:20, 9:50; Sun 11:25 a.m., 2:05, 4:40, 7:20, 9:40; Mon-Thur noon, 2:20, 4:40, 7:20, 9:40. The Love Guru Fri 4:25, 9:55; Sat-Sun 10:50 a.m., 4:25, 9:55; Mon-Thur 4:25, 9:55. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:25; SunThur 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:20. WALL-E Fri 2:15, 4:50, 7:40, 10:15; Sat 11:15 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:40, 10:15; Sun 11:15 a.m., 2:15, 4:50, 7:40, 10:10; Mon-Thur 1:30, 4:50, 7:35, 10:10. Wanted Fri 2:10, 5, 7:45, 10:30; Sat 11:20 a.m., 2:10, 5, 7:45, 10:30; Sun 11:20 a.m., 2:10, 5, 7:45, 10:25; Mon-Thur 1:15, 4:55, 7:40, 10:25. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan Fri-Sun 1:35, 7:10; Mon-Thur 12:50, 7:10.

Pacific’s Winnetka All Stadium 21, 9201 Winnetka Av, Chatswor th, (818) 501-5121. The Dark Knight Thur only, midnight. Get Smart 11:10 a.m., 1:55, 4:50, 7:35, 10:30. Hancock Fri 11 a.m., 11:30 a.m., noon, 12:30, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 3, 4:05, 4:30, 5, 5:30, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30, 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30, 11; Sat 10 a.m., 11 a.m., 11:30 a.m., noon, 12:30, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 3, 4:05, 4:30, 5, 5:30, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30, 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30, 11; Sun 10 a.m., 11 a.m., 11:30 a.m., noon, 12:30, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 3, 4:05, 4:30, 5, 5:30, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30, 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30; Mon-Thur 11 a.m., 11:30 a.m., noon, 12:30, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 3, 4:05, 4:30, 5, 5:30, 6:30, 7, 7:30, 8, 8:30, 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 11:45 a.m., 1:45, 2:45, 4:45, 5:45, 7:45, 8:45, 10:45, 11:45; Sat 10:45 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 1:45, 2:45, 4:45, 5:45, 7:45, 8:45, 10:45, 11:45; Sun 10:45 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 1:45, 2:45, 4:45, 5:45, 7:45, 8:45, 10:45; Mon-Thur 11:45 a.m., 1:45, 2:45, 4:45, 5:45, 7:45, 8:45, 10:45. The Incredible Hulk 11:15 a.m., 2:05, 4:55, 7:40, 10:40. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Fri-Sat 11:10 a.m., 2:15, 5:10, 8:05, 11:05; Sun-Thur 11:10 a.m., 2:15, 5:10, 8:05. Iron Man Fri 1:20, 4:20, 7:20, 10:20; Sat-Sun 10:20 a.m., 1:20, 4:20, 7:20, 10:20; MonThur 1:20, 4:20, 7:20, 10:20. Journey to the Center of the Earth Fri 11:40 a.m., 12:40, 2:10, 3:10, 4:45, 5:45, 7:10, 8:10, 9:40, 10:40; Sat-Sun 10:15 a.m., 11:40 a.m., 12:40, 2:10, 3:10, 4:45, 5:45, 7:10, 8:10, 9:40, 10:40; Mon-Thur 11:40 a.m., 12:40, 2:10, 3:10, 4:45, 5:45, 7:10, 8:10, 9:40, 10:40. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 11:25 a.m., 2:15, 4:40. Kung Fu Panda noon, 3:25, 5:50, 8:20, 10:45. The Love Guru 7:15, 9:45. Meet Dave 11:55 a.m., 12:55, 2:20, 3:20, 4:50, 5:55, 7:15, 8:15, 9:35, 10:35. WALL-E Fri 11:05 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 12:35, 1:50, 2:35, 3:15, 4:25, 5:05, 5:40, 7:05, 7:50, 9:45, 10:25; Sat-Sun 10:05 a.m., 11:05 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 12:35, 1:50, 2:35, 3:15, 4:25, 5:05, 5:40, 7:05, 7:50, 9:45, 10:25; Mon-Thur 11:05 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 12:35, 1:50, 2:35, 3:15, 4:25, 5:05, 5:40, 7:05, 7:50, 9:45, 10:25. Wanted Fri 11:35 a.m., 1:40, 2:40, 4:35, 5:35, 7:25, 8:25, 10:15, 11:15; Sat 10:40 a.m., 11:35 a.m., 1:40, 2:40, 4:35, 5:35, 7:25, 8:25, 10:15, 11:15; Sun 10:40 a.m., 11:35 a.m., 1:40, 2:40, 4:35, 5:35, 7:25, 8:40, 10:15; Mon-Thur 11:35 a.m., 1:40, 2:40, 4:35, 5:35, 7:25, 8:40, 10:15.

SANTA MONICA

AMC Santa Monica 7, 1310 Third Street Promenade, (310) 395-3030. Get Smar t Fri-Sun 10:45 a.m., 1:20, 4:10, 6:50, 9:50; Mon-Thur 1:20, 4:10, 6:50, 9:50. Hancock Fri-Sun 11:45 a.m., 12:30, 2:10, 3, 4:40, 7, 7:45, 9:30, 10:10; Mon-Thur 12:30, 2:10, 3, 4:40, 7, 7:45, 9:30, 10:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sun 10:40 a.m., 1, 3:30, 5:55, 8:15, 10:40; MonThur 1, 3:20, 5:40, 8, 10:20. WALL-E Fri-Sun 10:30 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 12:50, 2, 3:20, 4:30, 5:20, 7:30, 8:25, 10; Mon-Wed 12:45, 2, 3:10, 4:30, 5:20, 7:30, 8:10, 10; Thur 12:45, 2, 3:10, 4:30, 5:20, 8:10, 10. Wanted Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:30, 4, 5:50, 7:10, 9:40, 10:45; Mon-Wed 1:30, 4, 5:35, 7:10, 9:40, 10:30; Thur 1:30, 4, 5:35, 7:10, 10:15, 10:30. Laemmle’s Monica 4-Plex, 1332 Second St, (310) 394-9741. David & Fatima 1:20, 4:10, 7, 9:50. Expired Sat-Sun 11 a.m. The Fall Sat-Sun 11 a.m. Fighting for Life Sat-Sun 11 a.m. Garden Party 1, 3:20, 5:40, 8, 10:15. Harold 1:40, 4:20, 7:10, 9:40. The Unknown Woman Sat-Sun 11 a.m. The Wackness 1:50, 4:30, 7:20, 9:45. Loews Cineplex Broadway, 1441 Third Street Promenade, (310) 458-1506. Hancock Fri-Sun 10:45 a.m., 1:05, 3:30, 5:50, 8:20, 10:45; MonThur 1, 3:15, 5:30, 8, 10:15. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 12:45, 1:50, 3:45, 4:40, 6:45, 7:40, 9:45, 10:30; Mon-Thur 12:45, 1:50, 3:45, 4:40, 6:45, 7:40, 9:45, 10:30. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cr ystal Skull 10. Kung Fu Panda noon, 2:30, 5, 7:20. Mann Criterion, 1313 Third Street Promenade, (310) 395-1599. The Dark Knight Thur only, midnight. The Incredible Hulk 11:10 a.m., 1:50, 4:30, 7:20, 10:20. Iron Man 1:20, 4:10, 7, 10:10. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 12:20, 2:40, 5. The Love Guru 7:30, 9:50. Meet Dave noon, 2:30, 4:50, 7:10, 9:40. Sex and the City 12:30, 3:40, 6:50, 10. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan 11:20 a.m., 2, 4:40, 7:40, 10:30.

SHERMAN OAKS, ENCINO

ArcLight Sherman Oaks, 15301 Ventura Bl, Sherman Oaks, (818) 501-0753. American Teen Wed only, 5. The Dark Knight Midnight Thur only,. Get Smart 11:40 a.m., 2:20, 5:15, 8:25, 11:05.

Hancock Fri-Sat 10:35 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 3:35, 4:15, 5:05, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35, 11:15, midnight; Sun 10:35 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 3:35, 4:15, 5:05, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35, 11:15; Mon 11:20 a.m., 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 4:15, 5:05, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:40, 9:40, 11:15; Tue 11:20 a.m., 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 4:15, 5:05, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35, 11:15; Wed 11:20 a.m., 12:05, 1:55, 4:15, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 8:40, 9:40, 10:35, 11:15; Thur 11:20 a.m., 12:05, 1:55, 2:25, 4:15, 5:35, 7:05, 7:40, 8:05, 9:40, 10:20. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 5:30, 7, 8:30, 9:50, 11:30, 12:25 a.m.; Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 5:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:30, 11:10; Mon 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 5:30, 7:35, 8:30, 10:30, 11:10; Tue-Wed 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 5:30, 7:30, 8:30, 10:30, 11:10; Thur 11:30 a.m., 2:30, 5:30, 7:35, 8:30, 10:30, 11:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sat 11:25 a.m., 2:05, 4:25, 7:15, 9:45, 12:05 a.m.; Sun-Thur 11:25 a.m., 2:05, 4:25, 7:15, 9:45. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 11:05 a.m., 1:35, 4:05. Kung Fu Panda 11:10 a.m., 1:30, 4, 7:25. The Love Guru Fri-Wed 10:15; Thur 9:30. Mamma Mia! Midnight Thur only,. Meet Dave Fri 1:05, 3:25, 5:45, 8:10, 10:45; SatSun 10:45 a.m., 1:05, 3:25, 5:45, 8:10, 10:45; Mon-Thur 1:05, 3:25, 5:45, 8:10, 10:45. Sex and the City Fri-Sun 10:40 a.m., 1:50, 5, 8:15, 11:25; Mon-Wed 1:10, 4:20, 7:45, 10:50; Thur 1:10, 4:20. Space Chimps Thur only, midnight. The Wackness Fri-Wed 11:35 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7:30, 10:10; Thur 11:35 a.m., 2:10, 4:35, 7:30, 10. WALL-E Fri-Sat 10:30 a.m., 11:15 a.m., noon, 1, 1:45, 2:40, 3:30, 4:30, 5:10, 7:10, 8, 10, 10:40, 12:20 a.m.; Sun 10:30 a.m., 11:15 a.m., noon, 1, 1:45, 2:40, 3:30, 4:30, 5:10, 7:10, 8, 10, 10:40; Mon-Tue 11:15 a.m., noon, 1, 1:45, 2:40, 3:30, 4:30, 5:10, 7:10, 8, 10, 10:40; Wed 11:15 a.m., 1, 1:45, 3:30, 4:30, 5:10, 7:10, 8, 10, 10:40; Thur 11:15 a.m., noon, 1, 1:45, 2:40, 3:30, 4:40, 5:10, 7:10, 8, 9:35, 10:40. Wanted Fri-Sat 11 a.m., 12:10, 2, 2:50, 4:40, 5:40, 7:20, 8:20, 10:05, 11, 12:30 a.m.; Sun-Wed 11 a.m., 12:10, 2, 2:50, 4:40, 5:40, 7:20, 8:20, 10:05, 11; Thur 11 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7, 9:50. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan Fri-Sun 12:55, 9:55; Mon-Thur 1:15, 9:55. Laemmle’s Town Center 5, 17200 Ventura Bl, Encino, (818) 981-9811. The Last Mistress 1:20, 4:10, 7, 9:45. Live and Become 12:45, 3:50, 7, 10. My Father My Lord 1:20, 4:10, 7, 9:45. The Stone Angel 1:30, 4:20, 7:20, 10:10. Tell No One 1, 4, 7:10, 10. Mann Plant 16, 7876 Van Nuys Bl, Panorama City, (818) 779-0323. The Dark Knight Thur only, midnight. Get Smart 1:20, 4:15, 7, 9:40. Hancock 11:20 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 12:30, 1:40, 2:20, 3, 4:10, 4:50, 5:30, 6:40, 7:20, 8, 9:10, 9:50, 10:30. Hellboy II: The Golden Army 11:10 a.m., 12:30, 1:10, 2, 3:30, 4:10, 4:50, 6:30, 7:10, 7:40, 9:30, 10, 10:30. The Incredible Hulk 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:30, 7:20, 10:10. Journey to the Center of the Earth 12:15, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45, 10:15. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30. Kung Fu Panda 11:20 a.m., 1:50, 4:20, 6:50, 9:20. Meet Dave noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10. WALL-E 11 a.m., 11:45 a.m., 1:30, 2:15, 4:05, 4:45, 6:30, 7:15, 9, 9:45. Wanted 11:10 a.m., 1, 1:50, 4:40, 6:50, 7:30, 10:20. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan 3:50, 9:40. Pacific’s Sherman Oaks 5, 14424 Millbank St, Sherman Oaks, (818) 501-5121. Get Smart noon, 2:35, 5:10, 7:55, 10:35. Hancock 12:30, 2:55, 5:30, 7:50, 10:20. The Incredible Hulk noon, 2:40, 5:20, 8, 10:40. Meet Dave 12:05, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45, 10:15. WALL-E 12:10, 2:50, 5:25, 8:10, 10:45.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, BEVERLY HILLS, CENTURY CITY

AMC Century City 15, 10250 Santa Monica Bl, (310) 277-2011. The Dark Knight Thur only, 12:01 a.m.. Get Smart Fri-Sat 10:45 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:45, 10:35; Sun 9:25 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:45, 10:20; Mon-Thur 10:55 a.m., 1:35, 4:20, 7:35, 10:10. Glenn Beck ’08 Live Thur only, 8. Hancock Fri-Sat 9:30 a.m., 10:10 a.m., noon, 12:40, 2:30, 3:10, 4:20, 5, 5:40, 7, 7:40, 8:20, 9:40, 10:20, 11:05, 12:10 a.m.; Sun 10:10 a.m., noon, 12:40, 2:30, 3:10, 4:20, 5, 5:40, 7, 7:40, 8:10, 9:30, 10, 10:30; Mon 10:50 a.m., 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 6:20, 7:10, 8:05, 8:50, 9:40, 10:35; Tue 10:50 a.m., 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 6:20, 8:05, 8:50, 10:15, 10:45; Wed 10:50 a.m., 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 6:20, 7:10, 8:05, 8:50, 9:40, 10:35; Thur 10:50 a.m., 12:20, 1:20, 2:55, 3:45, 4:40, 5:30, 7:10, 8:05, 9:40, 10:50. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri-Sat 9:55 a.m., 10:40 a.m., 12:55, 1:35, 4:05, 4:45, 7:05, 8, 10:10, 11:10, 12:55 a.m.; Sun 9:55 a.m., 10:40 a.m., 12:55, 1:35, 4:05, 4:45, 7:05, 8, 10:15, 10:55; Mon 11:05 a.m., 1:25, 2, 4:10, 4:55, 7:05, 7:50, 10, 10:45; Tue-Thur 11:05 a.m., 1:15, 2,

4:10, 4:55, 7:05, 7:50, 10, 10:45. Iron Man Fri-Sat 1, 4:15, 7:10, 10:25; Sun 1, 4:15, 7:10, 10:10; Mon-Wed 1:30, 4:30, 7:25, 10:25; Thur 1:30, 4:30, 7:25. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sat 9:35 a.m., 12:05, 2:35, 5:20, 7:55, 10:30, 12:50 a.m.; Sun 9:35 a.m., 12:05, 2:35, 5:20, 7:55, 10:25; Mon-Thur noon, 2:40, 5:10, 7:45, 10:15. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:40; Mon-Thur 11 a.m., 1:45. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Sun 10:50 a.m., 1:20, 4, 6:30, 9; Mon-Wed 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:45, 7:20, 9:50; Thur 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:45. Mamma Mia! Thur only, 12:01 a.m.. Meet Dave Fri-Sat 9:45 a.m., 12:15, 2:55, 5:35, 8:15, 10:55, 12:45 a.m.; Sun 9:45 a.m., 12:15, 2:55, 5:35, 8:15, 10:45; Mon-Wed 12:15, 2:50, 5:25, 7:55, 10:25; Thur 12:05, 2:30, 5, 7:20, 9:45. Sex and the City Fri-Sun 9:40 a.m., 12:50, 4:10, 7:25, 10:40; Mon-Thur 12:45, 4, 7:15, 10:30. WALL-E Fri-Sat 9:30 a.m., 10 a.m., 11:05 a.m., noon, 12:35, 1:45, 2:25, 3:05, 4:55, 5:45, 7:30, 8:30, 10:15, 11:15; Sun 9:30 a.m., 10 a.m., 11:05 a.m., noon, 12:35, 1:45, 2:25, 3:05, 4:55, 5:45, 7:30, 8:20, 9:55, 10:50; Mon 10:55 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:25, 1:10, 1:50, 3, 4:25, 5:35, 7, 8:10, 9:35, 10:40; Tue 11:15 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 12:25, 1:50, 2:20, 3, 4:25, 5:35, 7, 8:10, 9:35, 10:40; Wed 11:15 a.m., 12:25, 1, 1:50, 3, 4:25, 5:35, 7, 8:10, 9:35, 10:40; Thur 11:15 a.m., 11:50 a.m., 12:25, 1:50, 2:20, 3, 4:25, 5:35, 7, 8:10, 9:35. Wanted Fri-Sat 10:05 a.m., 10:55 a.m., 1:30, 4:50, 7:50, 10:50, 11:30; Sun 10:05 a.m., 10:55 a.m., 1:30, 4:50, 7:50, 10:35; Mon-Thur 10:50 a.m., 11:20 a.m., 1:55, 4:35, 7:30, 10:20. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan Fri-Sun 4:25, 7:15, 10:05; Mon 3:50, 10:30; Tue 4:50, 7:40, 10:30; Wed 3:55, 10:30; Thur 4:50, 7:40. Laemmle’s Music Hall 3, 9036 Wilshire Bl, (310) 274-6869. Live and Become Fri 5, 8:10; SatSun 1:40, 5, 8:10; Mon-Thur 5, 8:10. My Father My Lord Fri 5:30, 7:40, 9:40; Sat-Sun 1:10, 3:20, 5:30, 7:40, 9:40; Mon-Thur 5:30, 7:40, 9:40. National Lampoon’s Homo Erectus Fri 5, 7:15, 9:55; Sat-Sun 12:30, 2:45, 5, 7:15, 9:55; MonThur 5, 7:15, 9:55. Laemmle’s Sunset 5 Theatre, 8000 Sunset Bl, (323) 848-3500. Brutal Massacre: A Comedy Midnight Fri-Sat; Midnight Mon-Thur. Garden Party 12:45, 3, 5:20, 7:40, 10. Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 10. Kabluey 12:45, 3, 5:15, 7:30, 9:50. The Last Mistress 1:40, 4:30, 7:20, 10. Tell No One 1, 4, 7, 9:55. Beverly Center 13 Cinemas, 8522 Beverly Blvd., Suite 835, (310) 652-7760. Baby Mama 7, 9:20. Bigger, Stronger, Faster 12:10, 2:20, 4:40, 7, 9:40. Expired 1, 3:20, 5:40, 8, 10:20. The Fall 12:40, 3, 5:30, 7:50, 10:20. The Foot Fist Way 12:30, 2:50, 4:50, 7:10, 9:20. The Happening 1:10, 3:30, 5:40, 7:50, 9:50. The Incredible Hulk 12:10, 2:30, 5:20, 7:40, 10:10. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10. Iron Man noon, 2:40, 5:10, 7:40, 10:10. The Love Guru 1:20, 3:10, 5, 7:10, 9:40. Speed Racer 1:20, 4:10. The Strangers 1, 3:10, 5:20, 7:20, 9:30. What Happens in Vegas 12:30, 2:40, 4:50, 7:20, 9:30. You Don’t Mess With the Zohan 12:20, 2:50, 5:10, 7:30, 10.

WESTWOOD, WEST L.A.

AMC Avco Center, 10840 Wilshire Bl, (310) 4750711. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:40; Sat-Sun 10:45 a.m., 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:40; Mon-Thur 1:30, 4:15, 7, 9:40. Kung Fu Panda Fri 12:25, 2:40, 4:55, 7:15, 9:30; Sat-Sun 10:10 a.m., 12:25, 2:40, 4:55, 7:15, 9:30; Mon-Thur 12:25, 2:40, 4:55, 7:15, 9:30. Meet Dave Fri 12:20, 2:35, 5, 7:10, 9:25; SatSun 10:05 a.m., 12:20, 2:35, 5, 7:10, 9:25; MonThur 12:20, 2:35, 5, 7:10, 9:25. Wanted Fri 1:55, 4:30, 7:05, 9:50; Sat-Sun 11:20 a.m., 1:55, 4:30, 7:05, 9:50; Mon-Thur 1:55, 4:30, 7:05, 9:45. Laemmle’s Royal Theatre, 11523 Santa Monica Bl, (310) 477-5581. Brick Lane 1:45, 7. Trumbo 4:20, 9:30. Landmark’s Nuart Theater, 11272 Santa Monica Bl, (310) 281-8223. Contempt Sub-Titled FriSun noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Sub-Titled Mon-Thur 5, 7:30, 10. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Fri only, midnight. The Rocky Horror Picture Show Sat only, midnight. Landmark’s Regent, 1045 Broxton Av, (310) 2818223. WALL-E 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10. The Landmark West Los Angeles, 10850 W Pico Bl, (310) 281-8223. Chris & Don: A Love Story 11:05 a.m., 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 8, 10:10. The Dark Knight Thur only, 12:01 a.m., 12:15 a.m. Elsa & Fred 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:30, 7:15, 9:45. Encounters at the End of the World 11:10 a.m., 1:45, 4:20, 7, 9:35. Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 11:15 a.m., 2, 4:50, 7:45, 10:30. The Last Mistress 11:50 a.m., 2:40, 5:15, 7:50, 10:25.

Mongol 11 a.m., 1:50, 4:40, 7:30, 10:20. The Stone Angel 11:10 a.m., 2:05, 5, 7:40, 10:20. Tell No One 11 a.m., noon, 1:50, 2:50, 4:40, 5:40, 7:35, 8:30, 10:25. The Visitor Fri-Sun 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:45, 7:20, 9:55; Mon 11:45 a.m., 2:15; Tue-Thur 11:45 a.m., 2:15, 4:45, 7:20, 9:55. The Wackness Fri noon, 1:15, 2:30, 3:45, 5, 6:15, 7:30, 8:45, 10; Sat noon, 1:15, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 8:45, 10; Sun-Wed noon, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10; Thur noon, 1:15, 2:30, 3:45, 5, 7:30, 10. Majestic Crest Theater, 1262 Westwood Bl, (310) 474-7866. Kit Kittredge: An American Girl 12:30, 2:30. Mongol 4:30, 7:15, 9:45. Mann Bruin, 948 Broxton Av, (310) 208-8998. Get Smart 11:50 a.m., 2:20, 5, 7:40, 10:15. Mann Festival 1, 10887 Lindbrook Av, (310) 208-4575. Journey to the Center of the Earth 11:40 a.m., 2:10, 4:40, 7:10, 9:40. Mann Village, 961 Broxton Av, (310) 208-5576. The Dark Knight Thur only, midnight. Hancock 11:30 a.m., 2, 4:20, 7, 9:30.

WOODLAND HILLS, WEST HILLS, TARZANA

AMC Promenade 16, 21801 Oxnard St, Woodland Hills, (818) 883-2262. The Dark Knight Thur only, 12:01 a.m.. Get Smart Fri-Sun 11 a.m., 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10:10; Mon-Thur 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10:10. Glenn Beck ’08 Live Thur only, 8. Hancock Fri 10:40 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1:15, 2, 2:50, 3:45, 4:35, 5:25, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 8:45, 9:45, 10:50, 11:45; Sat 10:40 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1:15, 2, 2:50, 3:45, 4:35, 5:25, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 8:45, 9:45, 10:50; Sun 10:40 a.m., 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1:15, 2, 2:50, 3:45, 4:35, 5:25, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 8:45, 9:45; Mon-Wed 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1:15, 2, 2:50, 3:45, 4:35, 5:25, 6:10, 7:10, 8:10, 8:45, 9:45; Thur 11:25 a.m., 12:10, 1:15, 2, 2:50, 3:45, 4:35, 5:25, 7:10, 8:10, 9:45. Hellboy II: The Golden Army Fri 10 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 12:50, 1:50, 3:50, 4:50, 6:50, 7:50, 9:50, 10:55, 12:15 a.m.; Sat 10 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 12:50, 1:50, 3:50, 4:50, 6:50, 7:50, 9:50, 10:55; Sun 10 a.m., 10:45 a.m., 12:50, 1:50, 3:50, 4:50, 6:50, 7:50, 9:50; Mon-Thur 11:15 a.m., 12:50, 2, 3:50, 4:50, 6:50, 7:50, 9:50. The Incredible Hulk Fri-Sun 11:20 a.m., 2:15, 5, 7:40, 10:30; Mon-Thur 2:15, 5, 7:40, 10:30. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Fri-Sat 10:55 a.m., 1:40, 4:45, 7:35, 10:40; Sun 10:55 a.m., 1:40, 4:45, 7:35, 10:25; MonThur 1:40, 4:45, 7:35, 10:25. Iron Man Fri-Sat 1:30, 4:25, 7:30, 10:45; Sun-Thur 1:30, 4:25, 7:30, 10:30. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D Fri-Sun 10 a.m., 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:30; Mon-Thur 12:30, 3, 5:30, 8, 10:30. Kung Fu Panda Fri-Sat 10:10 a.m., 12:25, 2:55, 5:25, 8:05, 10:25; Sun 10:10 a.m., 12:25, 2:55, 5:25, 8:05, 10:20; Mon-Thur 12:25, 2:55, 5:25, 8:05, 10:20. Meet Dave Fri-Sun 10:05 a.m., 12:35, 3:05, 5:35, 8:05, 10:35; Mon-Thur 12:35, 3:05, 5:35, 8:05, 10:35. Sex and the City Fri-Sat 10:20 a.m., 1:25, 4:40, 7:45, 11; Sun 10:20 a.m., 1:25, 4:40, 7:45, 10:35; Mon-Thur 1:25, 4:40, 7:45, 10:35. WALL-E Fri-Sat 10:15 a.m., 12:15, 12:55, 2:45, 3:30, 5:20, 6:05, 7:55, 8:40, 10:25; Sun 10:15 a.m., 12:15, 12:55, 2:45, 3:30, 5:20, 6:05, 7:55, 8:40; Mon-Thur 12:15, 12:55, 2:45, 3:30, 5:20, 6:05, 7:55, 8:40. Wanted Fri-Sat 11:30 a.m., 2:10, 5:05, 7:50, 10:40; Sun 11:30 a.m., 2:10, 5:05, 7:50, 10:25; Mon-Thur 2:10, 5:05, 7:50, 10:25. Laemmle’s Fallbrook 7 Cinemas, Fallbrook Mall, 6731 Fallbrook Av, West Hills, (818) 340-8710. Boogie Man: The Lee Atwater Story Fri-Sun noon, 10; Mon-Thur noon, 1:50. Brick Lane Fri-Sun 1:20; Mon-Thur 2:20. Elsa & Fred Fri-Sun 1:30, 4:10, 7:10, 9:50; MonThur noon, 2:30, 5:10, 8:10. Hancock Fri-Sun 12:10, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 9:55; MonThur 1:10, 3:30, 6, 8:30. Live and Become 1:10, 4:30, 8. Mongol Fri-Sun 4, 7, 10; Mon-Thur 5, 8. Trumbo Fri-Sun 1:50, 4:50, 8; Mon-Thur 3:50, 6:10, 8:30. The Visitor Fri-Sun 1:40, 4:20, 7:20, 10; Mon-Thur 12:10, 2:40, 5:20, 8:20. WALL-E Fri-Sun noon, 2:35, 5:10, 7:45, 10:10; MonThur noon, 2:35, 5:10, 7:45.

Story, 8; followed by live music from Gary Wilson. New Beverly Cinema, L.A., (323) 938-4038. Newbevcinema.com. Blade Runner: The Final Cut, 7:30; Alien: The Director’s Cut, 9:50.

FRIDAY, JULY 11 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Blake Edwards Retrospective – The Pink Panther, 7:30; followed by The Return of the Pink Panther. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre Italian Grindhouse: Assault of the Deadly Celluloid – The Big Gundown, 7:30; followed by Cutthroats Nine. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre The Female Gaze – Cleo from 5 to 7, 7:30. Summer “Camp” – Ruby Gentry, 10. L.A. County Museum of Art, Leo S. Bing Theatre, L.A., (323) 857-6010. Lacma.org. The Discreet Charm of Charles Boyer – Love Affair (1939), 7:30; followed by Hold Back the Dawn, 9:10. New Beverly Cinema Thank You For Smoking, 7:30; Stripes, 9:25; Reservoir Dogs, midnight. Directors Guild of America, Hollywood, (310) 289-2000. Dga.org. The Archive at Outfest – The Times of Harvey Milk, 7:15.

SATURDAY, JULY 12 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Blake Edwards Retrospective – The Pink Panther Strikes Again, 7:30; followed by Revenge of the Pink Panther. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian theatre Italian Grindhouse: Assault of the Deadly Celluloid – 4 Flies on Grey Velvet, 7:30; followed by The Bird With The Crystal Plumage; followed by Red Rings of Fear. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre John Huston’s Beautiful Losers – The Night of the Iguana, 7:15. Gore Comedies – Street Trash, 10. L.A. County Museum of Art, Leo S. Bing Theatre The Discreet Charm of Charles Boyer – Lilliom (1934), 7:30; followed by A Woman’s Vengeance, 9:40. New Beverly Cinema Thank You For Smoking,

3:30, 7:30; Stripes, 5:25, 9:25; The Violation of Claudia, midnight, (18+).

SUNDAY, JULY 13 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Blake Edwards Retrospective – Victor Victoria, 7:30; followed by Darling Lili. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre Italian Grindhouse: Assault of the Deadly Celluloid – The Violent Professionals (Milano Trema – La Polizia Vuole Giustizia), 7:30; followed by Big Guns. New Beverly Cinema Labyrinth, 3:30, 7:30; Xanadu, 5:35, 9:35. REDCAT, L.A., (213) 237-2800. The Archive at Outfest – Nights in Black Leather, 8.

MONDAY, JULY 14 American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre Actress Celeste Holm In-Person Tribute – The Tender Trap, 7:30; followed by All About Eve. Discussion between films with actress Celeste Holm. New Beverly Cinema Labyrinth, 7:30; Xanadu, 9:35. Directors Guild of America The Archive at Outfest – Word Is Out: Stories of Some of Our Lives, 8.

TUESDAY, JULY 15 L.A. County Museum of Art, Leo S. Bing Theatre Tuesday Matinees – Northwest Passage, 1. New Beverly Cinema Labyrinth, 7:30.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre Blake Edwards Retrospective – S.O.B., 7:30; followed by The Party. Screening introduced by film critic Kevin Thomas. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre Silent Sirens – A Girl in Every Port, 8. New Beverly Cinema Grey Gardens, 7:30; Gimme Shelter, 9:25.

“AS SMART AND SPICY AS IT IS BEAUTIFUL !” -THE GLOBE AND MAIL

“A FIERY PERFORMANCE FROM-VARIETY BURSTYN.”

S P E C IA L S C RE E N I N G S THURSDAY, JULY 10 American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre, Santa Monica, (323) 466-3456. Aerotheatre.com. Blake Edwards Retrospective – Breakfast at Tiffany’s, 7:30. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theatre, Hollywood, (323) 466-3456. Egyptiantheatre.com. Egyptian Theatre 85th Anniversary Screening – King of Kings (1961), 7:30. CineFamily at the Silent Movie Theatre, Hollywood, (323) 655-2520. Silentmovietheatre.com. Don’t Knock the Rock ’08 – You Think You Really Know Me: The Gary Wilson

EXCLUSIVE ENGAGEMENTS START FRIDAY, JULY 11TH! ! WEST LOS ANGELES The LANDMARK at W. Pico & Westwood (310) 281-8233 Free Parking www.landmarktheatres.com Daily: 11:10 • 2:05 • 5:00 • 7:40 • 10:20

" ENCINO Laemmle’s Town Center 5 (818) 981-9811

! PASADENA Laemmle’s Playhouse 7 Cinemas (626) 844-6500 Tickets available @ laemmle.com

"Presented in

!Presented in

JULY 10-16, 2008 29 LACITYBEAT

2X7 CITY BEAT THURS. 7/10

SORRY, NO PASSES ACCEPTED FOR THIS ENGAGEMENT

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Don Bachardy

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DEGREE

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hen you arrive, he brings coffee on a tray, a small sampling of cookies. He has ashtrays on the coffee table despite never having been a smoker. He is old-school hospitality, and he is old. Seventy-four, according to the Google. His body is still strong – he’s wearing a wifebeater so a glimpse of his arms proves it – but his voice is quavery, a lot like Katharine Hepburn’s. He has painted everyone. He probably painted Hepburn too. A new movie has opened, Chris & Don: A Love Story, about his life with writer Christopher Isherwood, the 33 years they spent together – 27 of them in this beautiful Santa Monica hillside home. On the table is a cake made of cardboard, given him at a dinner party by Billy Al Bengston; Bachardy asked for and received permission to add paper shavings of “coconut,” and a glass cake bowl. The cake has sat there, he says, for probably 40 years. –Rebecca Schoenkopf L.A. CityBeat: I saw a picture of you and Chris where you look about 15 years old, like a Boy Scout. Don Bachardy: I was in fact 18, so it wasn’t statutory rape! That year, I took off from college at Christmastime and went to New York with Chris. A rumor went around that Chris had brought a 12-year-old! Throughout the movie, you can see us becoming old men. Before the camera, you could never do that! There might be a portrait or two, but to see us moving! We took lots of home movies: getting snowed on in Cambridge, going to the Lincoln Memorial ... we did all those tourist things. Chris knew a lot of people like EM Forster, and Aldous Huxley, and Maugham, Sir John Gielgud, Raymond Chandler ... . The only known movie film of Raymond Chandler was shot by me! There’s a brief glimpse of him diving into a pool in Palm Springs. How did you and Chris actually meet? We met through my brother, who was four years older and a great beauty. We used to take the red streetcar from Atwater where we lived all the way down to Santa Monica. Ted always wanted to walk a mile and a half to the state beach. I hadn’t come out to him; he was square, proper, though I’m sure he knew I was queer. He was a beauty, and a group of his admirers would form. Chris was one of those admirers. We’d wave when we saw each other, but that was it. A couple of years later, we met socially, as it were. Ted and I were invited in after dinner by a couple of Ted’s queer friends.

A DON BACHARDY SELF-PORTRAIT

I think Ted and I were probably invited in for “dessert.” Well, I got very drunk, and Chris and I were standing up kissing against a big bay window, and we broke a pane! I was horrifed to be drunk and “out of control,” so I dashed off and ruined the evening for everyone else. That was October of ’52. In February of 1953, Ted said, “Let’s have breakfast with Chris!” And we did, and it was such a success, we spent the whole day together, and then did it again the next weekend as well. I wasn’t poaching on Ted’s territory, because he had so many beaus. Chris was a year older than my father, so Ted didn’t particularly want him as a bed partner – though they had been to bed a couple of times. Was that ... odd? What’s the etiquette of that? [Delighted] I don’t know! Soon after our first night together, Ted went into another nervous breakdown; it was his third. Chris knew how important Ted was in my life, so he took pity on me and started inviting me to the theater, the ballet, and we got to know each other. In the 33 years we were together, I never knew a more charming person than he! We can all fall for charming people, but was he also the best person you ever knew? Oh, that too. That took a while to figure out. I was young enough that he could really influence me. He’d recommend books for me to read. The first was Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. Then Wuthering Heights. We collaborated a lot in later years, but

our first collaboration was the typescript of a book he was just finishing: the final draft of The World in the Evening. I was a very good typist, and I offered my services to Chris. My reward, which pleased me no end, was he put my name in the book. The last time I was here, you gave me several of Chris’s books, which I’d never read. On Valentine’s Day, I took my dad and my son to see a terrific production of Cabaret in Long Beach. My son was fidgeting all over his seat, like, ‘Uh, dudes are kissing!’ and my dad was actually singing and clapping and snapping along. It was mortifying. Everyone hated us. Chris never saw Cabaret on the stage – he saw the movie – but I don’t think he would have liked it. As spectacular as the musical numbers were, he cared about the characters. I saw the original Broadway play, and the way they changed everything – they made Chris’s character heterosexual! How long have you lived here? This is my 49th year. I love this house. I had it renovated in 2001, took all the pictures down so the place could be painted. I thought I’d put them back in different places, but then realized I’d found where each one should be. The Ruscha was loaned out a few years ago to the Whitney; they made a postcard of Discontinued China. Ed was the first California artist who sat for me. He was so pleased with the portraits, he had me do portraits of the entire family. And we traded for each one, so I have seven Ruschas, which I’m very pleased with!

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[I am embarrassed to ask this.] You were together so long. What was it like when Chris died? [Bachardy crosses his arms over his chest, as if he’s in his coffin; his hands fist next to his cheeks. He looks as if he is keeping himself from flying apart, but his tone remains unchanged.] Chris’s death was the greatest event of my later life. We knew of course that barring any accident, he would die before me. But when it happened, it was really quite different than I expected. I did do something that helped me: I kept him at home, and the last five months of his life, I gave up all other sitters and worked only with him. It was very good. I had already drawn and painted him more than I will draw any other person, so it was an extra challenge to bring something new to it. I even drew his corpse after he was dead. I realized in the last several years, I’m only doing an imitation of the person I’m painting. In a way, it’s self-portraiture in the character and costume of my sitter. It was the most intense way I could be with him in his last days. Once he was gone, it took several months for it to sink in, and for me to realize what it really meant. It was very different. I still feel very much his presence; he’s with me in so many ways. Living in this house where we lived all those years – 27 years – that helps. And then I met a young man a little more than a year after Chris’s death, and he moved in and lived with me here for almost 10 years. As a boyfriend? Very much so! And he was 26 years younger, so it was very illuminating for me to be in Chris’s role. I kept a copious diary through those years, and so much of it was about Chris. ‘Oh, that’s what suchand-such situation was about!’ ‘Oh, that’s what you were feeling!’ I think it’s called an epiphany. It seems useless to ask you about the recent Supreme Court decision ... . Chris and I would have rejoiced, and would have been unbelieving if you’d told us in the ’50s and ’60s such freedom would have come in the future – though I feel certain we wouldn’t have partaken ourselves. Wait, really? After all those years? Thirty-three years! What would have been the point? But our tribesmen certainly should have the choice. What exactly is getting all these Christers so upset? They’re telling us who they really are. ✶

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DLJ@:

ACT NATURALLY BY CHRIS MORRIS

I

n the late ’50s and early ’60s, California’s country performers said “fuck you,â€? bluntly, to the Nashville establishment. Down in Music City, producers-executives Chet Atkins at RCA and Owen Bradley at Decca were busily pouring syrup on country music; their string- and chorus-bedecked fluff became known as “the Nashville Sound.â€? On the West Coast, the hillbilly performers in Bakersfield were advancing a tougher sound. Wynn Stewart, Ferlin Husky, Tommy Collins, and Merle Haggard were among the top practitioners, but the biggest of them all was Buck Owens. Owens – who died in 2006 with his boots on, hours after playing a gig at his Bakersfield club the Crystal Palace – has been due for reassessment. Rhino released its three-CD overview The Buck Owens Collection in 1992, around the time Sundazed Records reissued his original Capitol albums. Germany’s inestimable Bear Family label has just stepped up to the plate with Act Naturally: The Buck Owens Recordings 1953-1964, a typically comprehensive boxed-set look at his first sides (and apparently the first of a projected series of Owens boxes). Owens was country’s No. 1 hitmaker during the 1960s, and its greatest self-made man. Born Alvis Edgar Owens Jr., in Texas in 1929, he nicknamed himself Buck after a family mule; he picked cotton as a child. Playing music from his early teens, he became a pro in Bakersfield, performing at the now-storied honky-tonk the Blackboard from 1951 to 1957. He was among the first to utilize Leo Fender’s loud solid-body electric guitar, the Telecaster, which defined the sound of his recordings. The first of the five discs in Act Naturally compiles Owens’s earliest work, much of which has been unheard for decades. Here you find his goofy early rockabilly single “Hot Dogâ€?/“Rhythm and Boozeâ€? (with Roy Nichols, later of Merle Haggard’s Strangers, on stinging lead guitar). There’s also a batch of lively sides featuring him as lead guitarist behind journeyman Bakersfield singer Bud Hobbs. Owens signed to L.A.-based Capitol Records in 1957, and for a time A&R chief Ken Nelson was uncertain about whether his new performer was Hank Williams or Buddy Holly. His initial, highly imitative singles went nowhere, and the dispirited Owens moved for a time to Puyallup, Washington, where he worked as a musician and DJ (and bought the first of many lucrative interests in radio stations). Things began to come together for Owens in late 1958, when he cut his first hit, the pure honky-tonker “Second Fiddle.â€? By 1959, his band – dubbed the Buckaroos by Haggard – included the hyperactive steel guitarist Ralph Mooney (later replaced by Tom Brumley) and Don Rich, a teenage singer-fiddler-guitarist Owens met in Washington. (Rich would play Pythias to Owens’s Damon until his death in a 1974 motorcycle accident.) Owens also enjoyed a fruitful relationship with Harlan Howard, who wrote or co-wrote many of his ’60s hits. Act Naturally includes six of Owens’s record-setting string of 19 No. 1 ’60s singles. These hits – including the box’s title track, his first chart-topper, covered in 1965 by the Beatles – established the format for Bakersfield’s twangy honky-tonk shuffles. These lean, stomping, guitar-flexing records dominated the country charts in their day; today, if you walk into virtually any L.A. saloon where a country band is playing, you’ll hear the sound. The Bear Family collection is filled with riches like his albums of Howard’s and Tommy Collins’s material and the non-hits “Close Up the Honky Tonksâ€? and “Memphisâ€? (a controversy-inciting cover of Chuck Berry’s rock ’n’ roll tune), as well as some dross like Buck’s uncomfortable duets with Rose Maddox and his ex-wife Bonnie Owens (then married to Haggard). Ultimately, one gets a sense of the epic sweep and import of Owens’s career, which experienced a slide during his years as co-host of TV’s cornpone buffet Hee-Haw. Really, no country musician of the day was more important. Memo to Bear Family: Bring on Chapter Two. âœś Chris Morris hosts Watusi Rodeo on Indie 103.1 every Sunday at 9 a.m.

UPCOMING IN-STORES at AMOEBA! All shows are FREE and ALL AGES! For full calendar of events visit: AMOEBA.COM

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SUPERGRASS

The band will be signing copies of their new CD Diamond Hoo Ha! Purchase the new CD and receive a special download card with exclusive content (day of in-store only – while they last!) Also appearing at The Avalon on July 12th!

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DAVID PILTCH

Bassist, songwriter and producer David Piltch plays songs from his first solo release, Minister of the Interior, which stitches together jazz, Americana, art pop & experimental elements to create a cohesive whole. Performing live at Largo on July 15th.

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MELVINS

Celebrating the release of their brand new album Nude With Boots — out now on Ipecac Recordings.

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ANDY VOTEL

Amoeba’s Sunday World Wide Underground DJ series welcomes a very special guest: The vinyl-vulture, recording artist and record producer Andy Votel (Twisted Nerve/B-Music/Finders Keepers). His new Turkish-psych compilation, Ersen, is out now!

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DUKE SPIRIT

Free 2-song live EP with purchase of Neptune CD (while supplies last, day of in-store only). â€œâ€Ś the signposts of Sonic Youth, Pixies, et al can be glimpsed as the music hurtles along, but it’s blindingly obvious they’ve been digging deep to transcend those influences, to find their true voice, indeed, their true spirit.â€? — BBC.com Playing July 17th at The Hammer Museum & July 20th at the Download Festival (Gibson Amphitheater.)

) * % &% ! A ) ! % *% A # $ %"! ! A $ *% A # DJ adventures curated by DJ JUN!

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ALMOST INDEPENDENCE DAY

Randy Newman, others, wallow in Dodgermania at the Bowl BY RON GARMON

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irst off, I’ve never cared much for the totemically American game of baseball. Any activity that brings out common-man lyricism in the snootwad likes of George Will can’t have much going for it, and the sport’s lack of meaningful violence is off-putting. If the incomprehensible passions baseball looses were translated into players slugging each other with bats, or a ritualized combat a quatre mains between brass-knuckled managers and referees, I’d be more sympathetically attentive. Historically, baseball culture is equal parts sentimentality and bombast – the usual flood of high rhetoric and low chortle that accompanies most things American, from political campaigns to Indian massacres. Prospect of this familiar old gush is what brought me to a box at the Hollywood Bowl on July 3 for the middle installment of the L.A. Philharmonic’s “Ball at the Bowl with the L.A. Dodgers,� celebrating the 50th anniversary of the team’s move to our city from Brooklyn. I typically go to the Bowl for more heathenish events like rock shows and dance parties, so the sudden PAmoan of “Will-you-now-stand-for-Our-National-Anthem� caught me scribbling in my notebook. “Oh, fuck,� I howled, looking around as some 17,000 patriotic Angelenos, of all races, colors, and (non-destitute) conditions, shot boltlike from their seats. I clambered to my feet, thinking a descendant of Betsy Ross ought to be legally exempt from this shit. Some few oldsters clapped➤

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hands over hearts and one or two of these squinted in my direction as Old Glory filled the Jumbotrons and conductor Rob Fisher eased the Phil into that catfight of a tune, followed by a spare, spine-chilling rendition of John Williams’s “Theme from Midway.â€? Michael Torke’s “Javelinâ€? came as a sugar-blizzard after that, but the orchestra worked it with their usual delicacy, their normal concert-wear replaced with matching Dodger shirts. Much more satisfying was the romp through “Variations on a Shaker Melodyâ€? by Aaron Copland, the lusher passages bulging eyes and catching breaths of patrons around me. Brian Childers, a professional Danny Kaye impersonator (showbiz being as specialized as insect life these days) followed, throwing out the first screwball pitch of the “baseballâ€? portion of the evening with Kaye’s “It’s a Beautiful Day for a Ball Game.â€? He was followed by Vin Scully’s flat-toned recital of “Gibby at the Bat,â€? a triumphal abortion of Ernest Thayer’s immortal cautionary fable Scully based on Kirk Gibson’s feats at the plate during Game 1 of the 1988 World Series. The first half of the program ended after former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda waddled onstage to reminisce of dugout daze gone by and lead the crowd into “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.â€? The first half of this cornshuck closed out with the redoubtable Nancy Bea Hefley – the Dodgers’ longtime organist – playing a selection of durable Americana. We were summoned back from intermission with a suite from James Horner’s score for Field of Dreams, which accompanied video clips celebrating the team’s L.A. history. A hero’s roll of old-time players was called, with Maury Wills, Tommy Davis and others trotting out to applause for their services to cleat and city. A suite of songs from Stephen Flaherty’s musical version of E.L. Doctorow’s Ragtime followed, leading into a star turn by the great satirist Randy Newman, who started off with an unironicized “I Love L.A.â€? “The Phil is the greatest there ever was,â€? mumbled Newman, “Not that the crap I’m asking them to play demands all that much out of them.â€? He then played “You Have a Friend in Meâ€? and “Losing Youâ€? – the latter from his new album Harps & Angels, out Aug. 5 – before hefting the baton to lead the Phil in selections from his score from Robert Redford’s The Natural. This kicked off the fireworks display, which is what everyone had been waiting for. As red, white and blue detonations went off over the Bowl, I moseyed for the exit, with hordes of better Americans behind me ooing ecstatically over some really impressive explosions. âœś

ALBERT HAMMOND JR.

ÂżCĂłmo Te Llama? (Black Seal) The follow-up to last year’s rapturously received Yours to Keep, the Strokes guitarist ladles up even more of the guitar-pop you hear pretty much everywhere in these days of compulsory cheerfulness. I never fell for the Strokes’ shuck and have no second-album resentment to work out, so was pleasantly diverted by this pleasant collection – a sort of “Uncle Albert/None Too Ballsyâ€? venture into Beatly piffle. For those of you wondering about the sire, he was the fellow who wrote “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before,â€? which shows the fruit doesn’t fall very far from the tree. –Ron Garmon

CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN

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Immortalizer (Volcom) Wide-legged stances so akimbo you can practically see the denim straining under the pressure, these five mostly bearded so-called Venusians (from Chapel Hill, N.C., actually) hesh out to hashed-out fast-thick-riffage with nods to MotĂśrhead, Maiden, and AC/DC in equal measure. This, the group’s fourth album, may be its best-sounding to date, thanks to producer Jack Endino’s mission to retain all the spittle and flying fingernails he could recover. Singer Valient Himself may be chanting “Virgin’s blood, virgin’s blood!â€? on the oddly titled “Birdhead Looking @ Golden Hands,â€? but most of the time he and the lads are happy existing in punk-protest mode against crooked pols (“I Hope the Ghosts of the Dead Haunt yr Soul Foreverâ€?) and told-ya-so nuclear warnings (the very hardcore “1000 Winters in a Rowâ€?). Truly in thrall to the power of the riff, they like Skynyrd-style double-leads, and even go hoedown bluegrassy on the instrumental “Vernal Equinox.â€? As antsy as Immortalizer sounds, it’s safe to assume that they recorded this hot piece of plastic merely so they had an excuse to sweat these songs out live. And trust me, they do. –Joshua Sindell

MARY ANNE HOBBS/VARIOUS

FEIST SHARON JONES & THE DAP-KINGS PACIFIKA

FEIST

Popular Songs of Great Enduring Strength and Beauty (Cooking Vinyl) Being a compilation of Camper Van Beethoven’s work as a group between 1983-1990, this set borrows heavily from their debut album, Telephone Free Landslide Victory (1985), a gem that’s integral to the proto-indie canon. Exhibiting an aural curiosity reminiscent of They Might Be Giants, the tunes are an eclectic swirl of psychedelic ska, violin-folk and world-punk; a premium mix of schizophrenic licks that highlights some of old Camper Van’s distinctive and idiosyncratic appeal. The lyrics – teeming with clever simplicity and approachable philosophy – help make for compelling songs that are thought-provoking without being bombastic, and which are often hilariously ironic (as in the anarchist lampoon “Club Med Sucks�) and sweetly absurdist (“The Day That Lassie Went to the Moon�). –Daniel Stainkamp

Evangeline (Planet Mu) Over 20 years after the first techno records from Detroit fell into the hands of British DJs, the electronic music mitosis continues, splitting genre into sub, micro, nano, and beyond. One of the latest (and arguably most innovative) sub-sub-genres to infect Anglo-American turntables is Dubstep, the mutational byproduct of drum & bass, U.K. two-step, grime, and Jamaican dub. Sparse, syncopated rhythms punctuate dark, minor-key driven synth lines, creating a framework for MC or reggae-style rapping, which is all enveloped by “wawawawa� bass like so much alien amniotic fluid. In this latest compilation, Mary Anne Hobbs of BBC’s Radio 1 holds our hand down the dark alley of Dubstep and into the unnamed sidestreets of contemporary electronic experimentation, uncovering the gems of the genre by mixing well-known artists such as Shackleton and Boxcutter with those venturing into even more left-field terrain. Highlights here include Cult of the 13th Hour’s scintillating “Way of the Gun,� which conjures up visions of post-apocalyptic interplanetary warfare (or just really good sex), and Ben Frost’s slice of Rothko-esque minimalism, “Theory of Machines.� Wiley’s “Local Lad� brings back the spirit of “jump-up� jungle, thrusting out spitfire rhymes and angular sonic textures. Hobbs’s reputation as a superior curator of music precedes her, and this compilation is a classic example of her talents. Evangeline is an invitation to Step into the Dub, where the water is strangely inviting. –Ramie Becker

DERBY

Posters Fade (Green Submarine) Derby starts off its latest album smacking of the bubblegum psychedelia and sunshine pop of the mid- to late’60s – it’s lighthearted to the point of capriciousness, and the first few tracks are filled to the brim with feathery jazz chords and smooth, Beatles-esque vocal layering. But about a third of the way through, the sugary crust of Posters Fade begins to slough off, revealing a slightly surreal soundscape of modestly trippy sfx punch-ups (vacillating reverb, hollow pipes). Near the end, Derby again surprises, moving from desert-rock to countryrock with twanging steel guitars. Despite the tendency toward fluctuation, Posters Fade doesn’t sound fickle or ambivalent. There’s a tenable cohesion throughout that makes for a respectable pop album comprising familiar sounds presented uniquely. –Daniel Stainkamp

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TROUBLE Even with a pair of dazzling, Rick Rubin-produced albums in the ’90s, Chicago retro-metallers Trouble never caught the mainstream’s ear – although their doom-laden riffs have been ripped off hundreds of times by lesser, yet far more famous, bands. But this has always been a crew with a hard luck past: latest album Simple Mind Condition doesn’t even have a release date here in the States. Now, with Warrior Soul frontman Kory Clarke recently replacing founding member Eric Wagner on lead vocals, Trouble’s last hours may finally be upon us. But if you like your heavy rock the way it was done in the classic daze of Sabbath, Purple, Zeppelin, and even the Beatles, Trouble possess an oftimitated, but never surpassed, sound of metallic thunder. –Joshua Sindell With Crowned by Fire, and Bloodlust. Thurs. at Safari Sam’s, 5214 W. Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, (323) 666-7267, safari-sams.com.

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THIS WEEK’S HIGHLIGHTS THURSDAY, JULY 10

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The Gutter Twins, Ed Harcourt, Nick Oliveri. Grunge survivors Mark Lanegan and Greg Dulli are the soulful Gutter Twins, with support tonight by former Queens of the Stone Age bassist Oliveri and British songsmith Harcourt. The Roxy, West Hollywood, theroxyonsunset.com. Ignite, Black President. Punk with a purpose. Knitting Factory, Hollywood, knittingfactory.com. King Kahn & The Shrines. Garage-style raw funk from Montreal-based crew. With the Jacuzzi Boys. The Echo, Echo Park, attheecho.com. Port O’Brien. Oakland country-rockers mine a rich Neil Young sound. Spaceland, Silver Lake, clubspaceland.com. The Roller. Sludge beasts in the vein of Eyehategod, the Roller is slow and mean with malicious intent. With Green + Wood. Mountain Bar, Chinatown, myspace.com/themountainbar. Spanish Harlem Orchestra. New York “old schoolâ€? heavy salsa. Santa Monica Pier. Free. Twilightdance.org. Thou, Leech, Lake of Blood. Underground metal skronks forth! Relax Bar, Hollywood, myspace.com/ relaxbar. Tilly and the Wall. Those tap-dancing indie-rockers return to delight once more. The Echoplex, Echo Park, attheecho.com. Dan Wilson. The Grammy-award-winning singer-songwriter (with Dixie Chicks) and former member of Trip Shakespeare performs. Recommended. Hotel CafĂŠ, Hollywood, Hotelcafe.com. Yaz. Definitive ’80s synth-dance band returns with original members Vince Clarke and Alison Moyet. Orpheum Theatre, downtown Los Angeles, laorpheum.com. Also Fri.

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FRIDAY, JULY 11

The Black Dahlia Murder, Kataklysm, Vader, Cryptopsy, Despised Icon, more. Metalcore and more. House of Blues Sunset Strip, West Hollywood, hob.com. Also Mon. at Vault 350, Long Beach. Albert Hammond Jr. The Strokes guitarist performs songs from his upcoming second solo album. Spaceland. Chris Isaak & the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra. The sly crooner sings “A Night of Romance.� Hollywood Bowl, Hollywood, hollywoodbowl.com. Also Sat. B.B. King, Leon Russell, Mavis Staples. Blues and R&B titans share the stage in Orange County. Pacific Amphitheatre, Costa Mesa, ocfair.com/pa.

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Filter, Opiate for the Masses. Nineties rocker Richard Patrick strides hopefully into the new decade. The Roxy. Heiroglyphics (Souls of Mischief, Pep Love, Casual), Blue Scholars, Knobody, Musab, Prince Ali. Conscious hip-hop meets complex jazz arrangements at this meeting of the genre’s giants. El Rey Theatre, Miracle Mile, theelrey.com. The Jonas Brothers. To these ears, they sound like a young Cheap Trick. Power-pop for the nation’s youth. Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre, Laguna Hills. Also Sun.-Mon. at Honda Center, Anaheim. Ki-Mani Marley. Bob’s boy rocks steady. House of Blues Sunset Strip. OneRepublic, Phantom Planet, Carolina Liar. Mainstream rock groups try to prove grunge never happened. Pacific Amphitheatre. Ratatat. Record-release show for the Brooklyn electronica duo’s Lp3. The Echoplex. RTX, Earthless, Bad Dudes. Stoner jams galore. Spaceland. Supergrass, The Morning Benders. British power-pop revivalists Supergrass have still got the magic touch. The Avalon, Hollywood, Avalonhollywood.com. Rachid Taha. Concert from French-Algerian rocker Taha, winner of the BBC’s Radio 3 Award for World Music. California Plaza, downtown L.A., grandperformances.org.

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SUNDAY, JULY 13

Chris Isaak. Pacific Amphitheatre. Lyfe Jennings, Ray Lavender. The rising star of soul and R&B. House of Blues Sunset Strip. Live, Collective Soul, Blues Traveler. Past-prime rockers are still good for a beer or two. Greek Theatre, Griffith Park, greektheatrela.com. Matmos. Electronic music duo from the Bay Area. The Echoplex. Slipknot, Disturbed, Dragonforce, Machine Head, Mastodon. Metal roolz (and after a day spent in this heat, with these bands, you’d spell it that way, too). Glen Helen Pavilion, Devore. Voodoo Glow Skulls. Ska-punk spookiness. Vault 350, Long Beach, vault350.com.

MONDAY, JULY 14

Coldplay, Shearwater. The British superstars headline the veteran L.A. arena. Plus the art-rock stylings of Austin, Texas’s Shearwater. The Forum, Inglewood, thelaforum.com. Also Tues. Jail Weddings. Ten-piece band Jail Weddings condenses garage rock and rootsy swagger into a combustible cocktail. With Moris Tepper. The Echo. Nick Oliveri. The punk-rocking desert dweller bares fangs and his soul. Hotel CafÊ. Princeton. Echo Park-based trio Princeton melds chamber pop and folk in an ear-pleasing way. With Willoughby. Silverlake Lounge, Silver Lake, foldsilverlake.com.

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TUESDAY, JULY 15

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Joseph Arthur. Prolific and acclaimed singer-songwriter promotes latest disc Temporary People. The Troubadour, West Hollywood, troubadour.com. Tom Jones, Sheila E. The Welsh he-man and the salsa-dancing she-lion? Works for me. Pacific Amphitheatre. Rusted Root. Pittsburgh jam band sure to delight passing Deadheads. House of Blues Sunset Strip.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16

Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, The Manhattan Transfer, Sophie Milman. Swing, sing and dance with three programs: “100 Years of Cab Callowayâ€?; “Big Beat Anniversary Showâ€?; and Russian-born jazz vocalist Sophie Milman. Hollywood Bowl. Hippiefest. Flash back with ’60s stars Jack Bruce (Cream), Eric Burdon & the Animals, the Turtles, Melanie, Badfinger, and Jonathan Edwards. Greek Theatre. Journey, Heart, Cheap Trick. Rock bands of the Seventies ‌ aren’t they cute? Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre. David Lynch Foundation benefit. Featuring Nico Vega, Gods and Monsters, the Bangkok Five, Astra Heights, 8mm, and more. Key Club.

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FACTORY, SUPERSTARS

K

nit Snit: Back in mid-decade or thereabouts, I wrote that the Knitting Factory was the one thing standing between the Galaxy Theater complex on Hollywood Blvd. and an entry in deadmalls.com. The 18th Street Crips sold heroin from street corners and the boulevard was blocked with jackrollers of every description. Fade in a few years later and galloping gentrification has rid the place of the showier variety of scum, the former entertainment complex is now all retail outlets, and the city apparently wants the Knitting Factory out. Morgan Margolis, the Knit’s VP of National Operations, is more than a little annoyed at this – “After eight years at a space that was in this crime-ridden Hollywood corridor when we got here, the Los Angeles Department of Building and Safety (LADBS) contends this club is a nuisance and doesn’t comply under their ‘upscale restaurant’ guidelines,� the VP asserts. “It just so happens we are compliant under our conditional use permit, but there’s a lot of issues going on here. I asked for a clarification of these issues and instead they jumped me right to a public hearing. We also asked for it to be vacated for another date, because it just so happens our first and second lawyer will be outta town. They denied, so I’ve hadda go to my third lawyer and go over this whole thing again.� I groan sympathies and Margolis takes a breath to continue, reciting a long, indignant account of official arrogance, pushiness, and Pecksniffery that all adds up to an old-fashioned roust. Among the less-credible charges is throwing eroticthemed events: “We had a grand total of three adult entertainment parties in eight years and now there’s a problem?� he asks incredulously. “You might as well shut down Hollywood, since it was built on sex! So, yeah, they tried to force an injunction and shut us down. This event was Adult Media Play’s premiere of their Not Just the Bradys triple-XXX movie. They even agreed not to show any of the film! So we even had to get that signed-off on. Then the LADBS came down and saw some girls flashing and they got photos that make it look like we’re an erotica venue. It was a 21-over event and over six months ago anyway, and they’re still going off on it. So three shows don’t make us the Smut Factory. I don’t see them taking photos of the kids who come here to play night after night, which is what really goes on here.� The problems range from quibbles over cutlery and menu prices to more substantive police overreaction. “They shut down an Adicts show last year by not allowing any more than 250 people inside and I gotta 800-cap room,� Margolis reveals, “200 were inside and 150 outside and the cops showed up in riot gear, dispersed the crowd, and shut down the venue. They caused the problem and I hadda refund the audience, refund the Adicts and there were a lotta pissed-off kids on the plaza who didn’t have anything else to do. Every time there’s a fight in the plaza, they blame the Knit.�As might be expected, the Knit’s compromises only whetted appetites for more concessions. “We’ve closed our box office during the day because there were complaints about the kind of people who bought tickets,� says Margolis. “I don’t care if a kid has a mohawk or a bone in his nose, he should be treated with respect and the same as anybody else. I’ve had the same staff and even some of the bartenders for eight years. We’re in this for the art. What people don’t realize is this venue tends to lose money, but this is where upcoming bands break. What could they want to put here, another shoe store? We don’t even have street signage or even a marquee. We were under construction for three and a half years and that hurt our business. We helped clean up this corner of Hollywood and Sycamore and made it attractive for them. We went from open seven days a week to three or four days a week. They’ve made it very difficult to do business.� The venue’s troubles come to a head on Thursday, July 17, when the LADBS holds a public hearing on the matter at City Hall on 200 N. Spring St. in Room 1020 at 10 a.m. I’ll be there, and I urge every fan of live music to show up and let the city know they favor rock ’n’ roll on Hollywood Boulevard. The LADBS was unavailable for comment at press time. Plump Times: The clowns have been coming down hard of late on various branch offices of Clubland. Hassles with officialdom at aboveground venues like the Knit trace a nasty parallel with recent woes visited upon the underground party set. Three downtown art parties were cut short by visits from JQ Law in recent weeks, so Plump! was no doubt well advised to decamp from its old digs in Filipinotown. This monthly all-night party now lifts off every second Friday at White Moon Dreams at 55 Waverly Pl. in a nocturnally underpopulated section of Pasadena. The crowd is half-Burners and about 50 percent random sexy people who wander in to dance all night. From 9 to 10 p.m. is an art show followed by electro and house DJs until 5 a.m. I’ll be there, supporting my local debauch. –Ron Garmon

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aul F. Tompkins is shouting into his phone, some twaddle about how his interviewer isn’t “prepared.” Maybe he will have a stroke! He has now reached the age where this can happen! He is not very relaxed for someone who’s on vacation, ringing in from South Carolina, where he traditionally spends the Fourth with his girlfriend and her family and a shitload of fireworks. Perhaps he has been spending too much time with Lewis Black. “So I see you on the court thingie with the guy?” says the interviewer in a long ramble. He breathes. “Do you mean ‘Root of All Evil’ with Lewis Black?” Yes, that one. “How come Largo doesn’t have a bar?” the interviewer asks, peevishly. He answers reasonably: They’re still working on their liquor license. They discuss for a while whether one can see comedy sober; she is of the opinion one can not. She sounds kind of like a dick probably. Did he know Harvey Danger would be playing the small room at Largo the same night as his monthly variety show? “I can’t say I’ve kept up with the career trajectory of Harvey Danger,” he says, with a subtle hint of derision. The

HA HA HA A month’s worth of the funny, except most of these people surely wouldn’t call it that. We hope. We’re not really sure why we just did. July 12: For some reason, just about the only comedy show in town (and by “in town,” we mean at either Largo or the UBC Theater), that doesn’t brag about all its friends is Pop Genius. I guess when you’re bragging about your geniusness, you don’t really care if you have friends or not. With the delightful Andy Richter, Matt Besser, and more. 10 p.m. $8. UCB. 5919 Franklin Ave., Hollywood, (323) 908-8702. losangeles.ucbtheatre.com. July 19: See who has friends? Janeane Garofalo does. It’s right there in the title of her show: Janeane Garofalo & Friends. Who are these friends? Cool, cool people. People you would like to be friends with too. We’d say to go to this and buy them a drink – weapon of choice in friend-making or laid-getting – but Largo still doesn’t have a bar. 9 p.m. $25. Largo at the Coronet, 366 N. La Cienega Blvd., Los Angeles, (310) 855-0350. largola.com. July 22: Tig Has Friends. Tig has been to my house for a party, but she wasn’t really friendly, so I’m none too sure. I suspect maybe she’s one of those people who’s really funny, and then really socially awkward. That, or she just thought I was a dick. Largo Little Room, 9 p.m.

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interviewer went to high school with Sean Nelson, Harvey Danger’s singer. He had a crush on her. She feels the need to ramble and impart this. Paul F. Tompkins says he’s sure that’s so. Man, he can not wait to get off the phone! She doesn’t blame him even a little. “Are you excited to have Tim Meadows do the show?” she asks him – at last, a question that’s about his show and isn’t factually incorrect! “I am very excited he is doing the show!” he answers, possibly gratefully. How did he get Meadows to do the show? “I messaged him on Facebook,” he explains. The interviewer messaged Paul F. Tompkins on MySpace. “It’s excellent for all that,” he says, which isn’t funny, and so she has a small request: “Say something funny,” she commands, at which he erupts again. “I’ve got a new album coming out, go on iTunes, preview it, grab the middle of a bit. Go by track titles! Extrapolate from there! I guarantee no one will call you on it.” Fair enough. She is too lazy, though, even for that. It was a very long week.✶ Paul F. Tompkins’s variety show with Tim Meadows, Largo at the Coronet, 366 N. La Cienega Blvd., L.A. (310) 855-0350. largo-la. com. Sat., 8:30 p.m. $20.

July 26: Dana Gould & Friends. You know who’s friends with Dana Gould? My friend (and your Last Sportswriter) Neal Pollack! Gould is maybe doing the screenplay for Pollack’s much-reviled Alternadad, or something, I forget. I’m not much of a listener, which is usually a prerequisite for being a friend. Largo Little Room, 9:30 p.m. You know who isn’t a friend? The Fun Bunch, because at See You Next Tuesday, they are busy calling you a cunt. 10:30 p.m. Free at UCB. Greg Proops Chat: With Flight of the Conchords. This is gonna be a tough ticket, with the awkward sexy that is the New Zealand duo. Seriously, asymmetrically haircutted girls are going to be screaming … on the inside. 9 p.m. $25. Largo at the Coronet. July 30: Patton Oswalt & Friends. Fucking whatever. Largo at the Coronet. July 31: Sarah Silverman & Friends. And that’s it for now. You know you love her. Yeah, I agree when people say her little girl being racist and telling poo jokes thing got old – but if you didn’t love her all over again after “I’m Fucking Matt Damon,” then you are like one of those people from San Francisco who get all frowny every time someone says something that isn’t all serious, because you shouldn’t joke about things like that. 9 p.m. $25. Largo at the Coronet. –RS

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THE MANY LOVES OF ANTONIA THE SCRIVENER Three fiction all-stars take the stage BY DON SHIRLEY hree American fiction all-stars, who aren’t generally considered playwrights, are suddenly represented on the L.A. stage. American Tales (adapted from Mark Twain and Herman Melville) and My Antonia (Willa Cather) share odd plot similarities – both productions involve attorney narrators and characters who travel west across America en route to San Francisco. Both are also presented under the banner of the Festival of New American Musicals – even though My Antonia isn’t a musical. Yet the differences are conspicuous. American Tales is a pair of one-act musical gems, totaling about two hours, based on two of the slimmer stories by the great authors – Twain’s The Loves of Alonzo Fitz Clarence and Rosannah Ethelton and Melville’s Bartleby the Scrivener. My Antonia, by contrast, condenses Cather’s much longer novel into three acts – and three hours. American Tales is easily the more provocative. It offers two radically different glimpses of the American experience. Twain’s 1878 story, like his most famous novels, is a far-fetched adventure story with comic sparkle. Twain foretold a day when people would talk to each other from opposite sides of the country on the newly invented telephone. Alonzo in Maine and Rosannah in San Francisco, hitherto total strangers, get their wires crossed and begin a serendipitous cross-country romance. But Rosannah’s California suitor tries to foil the long-distance lovers. The narrative goes on a wild coast-to-coast-and-back-again ride, with zany layovers in Fresno and Honolulu. Bartleby, unlike Melville’s more celebrated Moby Dick, is an anti-adventure story about trapped souls. Onstage, it suggests the theater of the absurd – a century early (in 1853, although it appears updated here by a few decades). A new clerk at a sedate Wall Street law office begins to resist his orders from the boss with the simple words “I would prefer not to.” Soon he’s doing no work, camping out overnight in the office, and roiling the inner life of his boss, who eventually learns the bleak details of Bartleby’s background. Co-directed by Kay Cole and Thor Steingraber, with a book by Ken Stone, the masterful Antaeus production alternates performances between two sets of actors, with each set tackling both Twain and Mel-

T

ville. The actors I saw (Devon Sovari, Daniel Blinkoff, Richard Miro, Paul Eiding and Phil Proctor), accompanied by a three-piece band, easily handled a 19th-century-influenced score by Jan Powell (music) and Stone (lyrics), which adds dramatic heft and witty verse to the originals. My only objection was that Bartleby takes place on the same Laura Fine Hawkes set that’s fitting only for the Twain story. My Antonia has more realistic, familiar plot components. The title character is a Bohemian (as in Bohemia, not as in avantgarde) teenager (Shiva Rose) who arrives with her family in Nebraska in 1884, just as Jim Burden, a Virginia lad (Michael Redfield), is moving to his grandparents’ farm after the death of his parents. The middle-aged Jim (Kevin Kilner) narrates their story of ultimately thwarted friendship and romance – although, as in many staged novels, other actors also take turns bouncing Jim’s narration around the stage. Scott Schwartz’s adaptation has much of the sweep and poignancy of an old-fashioned page-turner, emphasized by Stephen Schwartz’s incidental music (performed live by a pianist and violinist). The script erases the information that Antonia is a few years older than Jim, intensifying the romance. The emotional connection is greater than in the 2003 staging by A Noise Within of Cather’s O Pioneers! Antonia has one glaring but easily fixed flaw – the first act includes material about other, Russian immigrants that’s slightly confusing and totally expendable. My Antonia is a co-production of Ventura’s Rubicon Theatre, where it played before moving to the smaller Pacific Resident Theatre in Venice – the kind of partnership between two local theaters that serves audiences and artists alike. ✶

American Tales, Deaf West Theatre, North Hollywood. (866) 811-4111. antaeus.org. Closes August 17. My Antonia, Pacific Resident Theatre, Venice. (310) 822-8392. PacificResidentTheatre.com. Closes August 3.

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Currently Playing As You Like It. Kevin Kern’s production of Shakespeare’s comedy uses late-1960s-ish songs and costumes. Dressing melancholy Jaques (Eric Zivot) as a troubled Vietnam vet is a creative touch, and the play’s wrestling match is one of the most brutal I’ve seen, with the help of a couple of beanbag chairs wielded as weapons. But generally the ensemble looks drab and anonymous. Brief visual impersonations of ’70s political figures feel strained. A big unit set takes up too much of the stage, nearly erasing the play’s distinctions between court and countryside, and the layout of the venue can be distracting. Kingsmen Park, Cal Lutheran University, Thousand Oaks. (805) 493-3455. kingsmenshakespeare.org. Closes July 13. As You Like It. Ellen Geer’s alfresco staging is set in 19th century America – indicated primarily by songs and costumes. Touchstone looks and talks like a Shakespeare-quoting dandy from Mark Twain. Women play the traditionally male roles of Jaques and Adam, but Geer rejects any topical political gestures. The blithe mingling of blacks and whites in this Reconstructionera forest is ignored as effortlessly as the plot’s many improbabilities. Instead, the era is used simply to point out the expansive universality of Shakespeare’s themes and language. As I sat in a dappled glen on a perfect Sunday afternoon, watching Willow Geer’s Rosalind and Mike Peebler’s Orlando, I was again reminded of just why this play is staged so often. Theatricum Botanicum, Topanga. Sunday afternoons only. (310) 455-3723. theatricum.com. Closes Sept. 28. The Last Seder. A reunion of squabbling siblings and their mates at the home of their aging/dying parents is one of American drama’s most overused premises. Jennifer Maisel’s play is distinguishable from a dozen others primarily by the use of seder rituals to make dramatic points. Joseph Ruskin plays the dementiastricken patriarch and Jenny O’Hara his indomitable wife. A few of the seder-related moments register strongly in Joseph Megel’s staging for Ensemble Studio TheatreLA and Greenway Arts Alliance, but the play is afflicted by too many characters and too many short scenes in which two or three characters converse while everyone else freezes in place – a telltale sign of a would-be screenplay. Greenway Court Theatre, Fairfax district. (323) 655-7679. greenwayarts.org. Closes July 27.

Shipwrecked! The Victorian fabulist Louis de Rougemont made England believe that he had been shipwrecked and had lived for years among aborigines. Donald Margulies’s cheerful but hardly gullible take on this colorful character returns to the area after its premiere last year at South Coast Repertory, with an improved ending. Bart DeLorenzo again directs, with the original cast. Gregory Itzin is slyly ingratiating as Louis, and Melody Butiu and Michael Daniel Cassady are amazingly chameleonic in the other roles. Geffen Playhouse, Westwood. (310) 208-5454. GeffenPlayhouse.com. Closes July 27. Spring’s Awakening. Los Angeles Theatre Ensemble presents its own adaptation of Frank Wedekind’s 1891 play about sexual truth and consequences among teenagers in repressed Germany. Unfortunately, no teenagers appear to be in Evan Drane’s cast, which is drawn from the ranks of the ensemble. The text sounds more natural than did the recent Production Company version, but both of these are mere preludes to the main event – the prize-winning musical version due at the Ahmanson in the fall. Powerhouse Theatre, Ocean Park. (310) 396-3680 x3. latensemble.org. Closes July 26. This Contract Limits Our Liability: Read It! A young couple (Jonas Dickson, Kelsey Weeden), trying to spice up their sorry marriage by advertising for spouse-swappers, end up with a pair (Bill Robens, Julia Prud’homme) who plan to commit joint suicide instead of adultery. The plot twists of Joshua Fardon’s dark comedy are original but seldom convincing; the shock value feels force-fed. Kiff Scholl directed an able cast, including Andrea Ruth as a couples counselor, but blocked sight lines of the action that’s close to the floor are problematic. Theatre of NOTE, Hollywood. Wednesdays-Thursdays. (323) 856-8611. theatreofnote.com. Closes August 7. The Voice of the Prairie. John Olive’s 1986 play glowingly evokes the early days of radio and the power of oral storytelling. In 1923, a Nebraska farmer (Tom Dugan) is recruited by a pioneer broadcaster (Michael Matthys) to bring his tales of his youthful adventures roaming the country with a blind runaway (Ashley Bell) to the airwaves. As we see in flashbacks to 1895, in which Matthys plays the future farmer, the pair of wayfarers lost touch, but the radio programs eventually reunite the two. The narrative verges on tall tale-telling, but David Rose’s staging encourages the willing suspension of disbelief. Colony Theatre, 555 N. 3rd St., Burbank. (818) 558-7000. colonytheatre.org. Closes July 27. –Don Shirley

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