Coverage Samples by John-Arthur Ingram!
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HORROR/SUPERNATURAL FEATURE!
PREMISE/OVERALL CONCEPT 4/5! After a supernatural creature kills the parents of a boy in a strange act of defense, a new couple, Mark and Melissa with their peculiar son, Joey move into the house. The family quickly discover that the supernatural creature has a territorial hold on Joey that exhausts all their hopes and attempts to regain control of Joey. What can you possibly do engage or fight the supernatural? How can you can really know anything about it? What power do you really have? These are questions the story asks, but by not offering an answer, it gives an answer. No one really knows; which makes us frightened and helpless; only because we expect to be in control of everything, including the supernatural world. That seems to be the theme. And the writers are probably aware of the potential polarizing affect. And that's good thing. !
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CHARACTER 4/5! Despite the very small cast to begin with, there are still only 4 that matter and that we should care about. After all, it's a monster home invasion story that covers only about a week of story world time. A high character count would just crowd the 87 page script.! ! Puppy: The supernatural monster that only children and polaroid camera's can see, is the story's antagonist. It's territorial over children at a certain age. It's selfish in wanting to play all the time. And it seems to be confined to that particular house. Besides, having incredible strength and large palms with four claws, this is all we get to know about it. Where it comes from? How it got there? Why only children? Are there more? What it is? Are all purposively irrelevant, because the writers are emphasizing the theme that I described above. No one really knows anything about the supernatural world. Shit happens. None of us knows what we move into. Puppy represents a selfish universe. It wants what it wants and you just have to figure out how cope with it. !
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Mark and Melissa: They are another reason why the story's theme works. The story is strictly their POV; which puts us in the same limited knowledge. We learn and experience everything through them. We have no idea how Joey plays with Puppy or their first encounter. That would be a different story. !
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Events happen so fast that we only get to know enough about them to care for their plight. We know they're at the cusp of happiness and a new life in Austin. Their arc moves from stability/comfort to hysteria and emotional oblivion in about a week. But who wouldn't? !
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Mark's skepticism/rationality is challenged in ways he never expected. Melissa's mother instincts and natural role is ripped away from her. Both are fighting for their right to continue as the parents/guardians of Joey. And that's why we care.!
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At first glance, Melissa can be seen as the weaker and hysterical sex because she spends a lot of time crying and falling apart emotionally, while Mark is always solid; until his last scene. !
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However, further look and we see that she has more agency and is more active than Mark. She pushed for the pastor to help. She made the smart decision not to call the cops. She made the attempt to capture images of the creature. And after buying the sage and making another attempt to leave with Joey, she makes the point to Mark: I haven’t seen you trying anything. Ironically, the only thing Mark tries is buying a new place for them to move; run away from the problem entirely. It's not til after she realizes that there's no escape, that Mark becomes active in fighting for Joey. !
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Joey: He's probably the smartest and most well adjusted person in the story. That could explain why the monster is only compatible with him. Joey understands that all those questions and desperate attempts to quantify and conceptualize the universe are useless. He found the monster in the house and befriended it. There are some great cinematic moments with him too. However, he's own naĂŻve fatalistic philosophy is what escalates the danger. !
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Pastor Stevens: This character is critical to the theme in that he is useless to help. It subverts the genre's archetype of having a convenient guru to give exposition about the creature and how to stop it. Pastor Stevens offers no such thing. In fact, he is incapable of explaining his own faith to Joey. Once again, the theme is explored. No one really has answers to those questions. So what can you possibly do? And nobody has time to run around finding an exorcist or psychic. How could you trust them to know anything about it anyway? !
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PACING 5/5! For 87 pages, we get the proper amount of moments to catch our breaths before each monster moment. The story has a clear time clock that keeps a sense of urgency and context. If it went on any longer, those questions that were irrelevant before would become relevant and begin slowing everything down. It might even become a different story.!
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STRUCTURE 4/5! It's tight, maybe too tight at times, but I don't know if there's
anyway around that for the length given. Like I said before, if it were any longer it would probably be a different movie. All the emotional beats were clearly laid out and easy to follow. !
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I feel the writers made a smart move by putting the house renovation and explanation of the former family all in the opening credits. That way an entire act is not wasted on showing/explaining how the Ferguson's found and moved into the house with its history. It's not that kind of story. !
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Pastor Stevens gives us short exposition about the neighborhood and history of the houses, but it's done a subtle and even eerie manner. !
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FORMATTING 3/5! My only problem is with the density of several action blocks throughout the story. Part of it is a personal taste issue and part of it is just a matter of arranging the text differently. The writing is so concise and meticulous that at times critical information can get lost in the action blocks, forcing me to reread them again slowly to visualize it properly. It's not a deal breaker, and I might be the only person struggling with it, but I feel the writers should just be aware of it. Here's an example of an action block with many things happening at once:!
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Anguish lessened by seeing her child mostly okay, she breathes a heavy sigh of relief and rushes to enter the room. Just as she crosses the threshold, the door slams shut violently in her face, breaking her nose and sending her flying back onto the ground, blood exploding from her face.
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A bounce off the wall has caused her to land with her head and shoulders still positioned in the doorway. Pg 85
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The first paragraph has 2 sentences with about 10 different visual events happening. More than anything is the order of with the door hitting Melissa, flying back onto the ground, the next sentence she hits the wall and lands with her head doorway.
action/ events but in in the
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I had to read this twice to understand that the door never fully closed after slamming into her and that she actually bounces off the wall behind her BEFORE flying onto the ground in the doorway.
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Make sense? I get it. But I had to stop and organize it my head for a moment, which takes me out of the story. Just something to think about. !
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DIALOGUE 5/5!
No problems. !
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CONFLICT 5/5! Is there any part of the story that doesn't have conflict? Damn!!
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ORIGINALITY 4/5! It leads on as Insidious but completely subverts it and becomes it's own story. The writers were clear and careful to avoid similarities. !
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WRITING ABILITY 5/5! Professional. Concise. Potent imagery. The writers built trust quickly as artist competent of the craft and maintained that trust throughout. !
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TYPOS: FORCE blasts him square in the chest, pg 6!
! He could play at the God damn pg31 ! you need to do make this pg 32 ! the maintenance guy pg33 ! Can I go play again? Pg 61 ! Joey stares at the pg65 ! After unsuccessfully negotiation(??) the door, pg84 ! in the driveway. Pg 86! ! ! ! DRAMA PILOT ! !
There's plenty of material here for drama and you seem to know the story world really well. This kinda reminds me of Shameless on Showtime, except they focus on one struggling family in a complex and its more of a Dramedy. Regardless, I think reading the pilot for Shameless could be helpful. My biggest problems: --The lack of effective story structure. I think it's meant to be 5 acts with a teaser and a tag, (you accidentally labeled two act 3s) but the act breaks seem to be just thrown in at random places without hitting a strong dramatic/emotional beat. The pilot also has random commercial breaks added within the acts, which doesn't make sense to me. From what i understand, Act breaks ARE commercial breaks. So I'm
wondering what network are you aiming for? I'm guessing broadcast network? If so, then try keeping a teaser with 4 or 5 acts. Regardless, research the network shows and their preferred act structure. Ultimately, you want to write to act breaks; meaning that each act break should have a strong emotional/dramatic beat, especially in the case of broadcast and basic cable networks because you need the audience to return from the commercial break and continue watching the pilot. If you're on premium cable, it's not a major concern but there still needs to be clear dramatic beats that move the story forward. Each scene needs to count and have a purpose. --I feel like the main protagonists are Bernie and Martin. So the A story and main conflict would be Bernie's fight with upper management to save his union. And martin's struggle with the diagnosis of Parkinson's. the problem for me is that both of these conflicts get muddied by too many subplots that don't seem to move the story forward; which makes Josh's, Sulyn's, Elsa's, Q's, Ruselka, Mika, and Melyn's seem crammed into the pilot. So the pilot feels like 3 episodes with their own independent conflict shoved into one. There's a 5 month time jump at pg 39 that I don't understand and it feels like a shift into another episode. The same with the last 10 or 15 pages where suddenly josh is with the Jeremy and we're introduced to Ruleska's husband who is having an affair with his cousin (?). That's another episode in of itself. Plus, Q's strange crime event comes from nowhere and I'm not sure of the relevance to the main story plot. At first I thought it gives Elsa a reason to go back into law to help but that gets passed over. My suggestions: --Focus on setting up Bernie and Martin's arcs in the first act. Show us their normal life routine's with their separate families then hit Bernie with the Eric ultimatum and Martin's symptoms of Parkinson's. Act One Break Then give us a B plot with Elsa losing her job at the show. Maybe her last case involves a union member and we get to see her really use her law background. Right now, I don't see the significance of her crazy case with the sheep if there's no payoff. Then the C story introduce Josh's attraction to Jeremy and Q getting involved with the wrong friends. Have Martin reveal his condition to Sulyn. She's stunned. Act Two Break Bernie declines Eric's offer and struggles to find a new way with
helping his union but it's not working and his alcoholism is getting worse. Maybe we see Q get sucked into carrying a gun during the breaking and entering crime. Elsa starts spending too much money via TV ads as a way of coping with the loss of her job. Then Bernie finds out about Q and has to spend more money to bail him out. Martin goes missing. Act Three Break Sulyn begins worrying about Martin. Bernie is running out of options and calls Eric to reconsider the payout but its too late, they're sending some Ninja Thugs (not sure if that's meant to be literal or a joke??) to beat them into submission. Josh makes his first attempt at contact with Jeremy, maybe about screenwriting, but josh freezes up with nerves. Elsa finds out about Q and also Bernie's dilemma. Sulyn needs Elsa's help finding Martin. She alerts Bernie and Elsa about his diagnosis. Eric's thugs arrive at Bernie's job and we get the showdown while Sulyn and Elsa find Martin. We get a small resolve back at the complex and Elsa announces she's pregnant. Oh shit! End Episode I don't think we need Ruselka, Louis, and Beth in the pilot. Save them for later episodes along with Josh's coming out arc. It seems like the show exists because of Bernie and Martin. Maybe this is the first time they've really needed each other? Thus, a new beginning to their families' journey together at Buffalo and Ralph? Like I said, you don't have to use all of my suggestions. It's just my take on a way to make this pilot really pop with drama and maybe cut the page count down. You have all the material there and strong characters to work with. I love the diverse cast. I just think a reworking of the structure dramatic beats will help.!
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! DRAMA SHORT SCRIPT!
Overall, I like it. The story has a clear beginning, middle, and end. Karina has a nice clear arc. I like the emotional transition of Cowboy in the confrontation scene. Pseudo-caring father to monster and back. He seems like a really cool inverted Abraham archetype; believes his fathering of many children is somehow beneficial to everyone. !
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Summary notes:! --Is Cowboy Karina's real father? You set this up with the answering machine on the second page which is great. Karina thinks she needs this answer to find some sort of closure and get on with her life. The payoff is her learning that it doesn't matter. She doesn't need
his validation or love to love her self and establish her own identity. I half wanted Karina to accidentally kill Cowboy in the struggle for him to take the DNA test. Or maybe we THINK he's dead for a second, then he gets up and beats her before Trey stops him! I digress.!
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The moral remains the same: The sins of our fathers will only take over us IF we allow them. We can choose to be happy without the identity mark of our parents. One could argue that Karina is actually happy and relieved that she can live DESPITE being Cowboy's Girl. !
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My Problems:! --It seems all most providing him crack must be in a REALLY might be stretching it's just me. !
too much to believe that Cowboy can have a nurse right after being released from the hospital. He shady part of Vegas. Damn. I just worry that it the credibility of the story. I don't know. Maybe
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--Does Karina actually have a DNA test kit? Is that possible to buy? Or does she just have the Q tips to swipe for saliva that she'll then take to a place for DNA testing? It seems hard to believe you can just buy a DNA test kit, unless I'm just totally out of the loop on that. !
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--Why does it have to be a Walgreens bag? Is that where she bought the kit? I feel like it could just be any paper bag.!
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--Why would it take Karina 20 years to confront Cowboy about being her father? Why not 10? I feel like that's something she would want to resolve as soon as she's a capable adult or maybe when she was a teen. Cowboy's heart attacks are a good reason for her to visit him, but if the question of his biological legitimacy as a father has always vexed her, why choose to do something about it at 31? !
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It's an easy fix. Maybe she's tried before or has been avoiding the answer most of her life and hearing about his condition and possibly dying, finally prompt her to face him about it. You could throw in a line when she's in the car with Trey about how she's dreaded all her life having to really find out and despite being very reluctant about the confrontation, she knows that never knowing is a greater regret than confronting him. Make sense? This would raise the stakes more for Karina. Maybe show Karina almost bailing out by throwing away the kit before Trey arrives; there's some hesitancy/anxiety about actually following through with this. You know?!
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Then the payoff of burying it has a stronger meaning too. The real victory for Karina is standing up to Cowboy and having the POWER to know the truth on her terms. That brings more relief than knowing.
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Suggestions:! --Amp up the tension in the confrontation hotel scene. The cool thing you have going for both of them is that both Cowboy and Karina are having an identity crisis; wearing masks. Cowboy has completely changed his personae and Karina wants to shed one identity to create a new one. There's something very significant in Earl choosing that “mask�. I love that Cowboy attempts to be a genuinely caring father at the beginning then completely shifts/reverts back into a monster when Karina makes plea for that last chance to know on page 13. !
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I feel like Karina should say something specific about her mother that actually triggers Cowboy to see Karina as her mother. Right now it's her line about this being the least he could do. Up to that point, Cowboy is tame about the mother issue or at least seems to be holding back. So having Karina say something specific about her mother could really hit the mark; maybe it's the card she was holding back to play as a last resort to make him take the test? !
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--I dig the brief fight scene. It's gonna be really uncomfortable to watch, especially if we believe for a quick moment that one of them might actually kill the other. !
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--Right now, I feel you almost need everything in the script. It's fairly tight in that the info we get needs to be there. I'd suggest cutting the parking lot scene with Cowboy, the bike, and the guy driving past. Get us straight to the hotel room. Have a brief moment with the Blonde to visually reinforce Cowboy's white girl love. Then you can spend more time on the meaty stuff between Karina and Cowboy.!
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--Maybe cut the gas station scene and get straight to her digging/ burying the kit. !
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Here's a hard decision that I suggest: What if you cut Trey and Mariah all together? You don't set up that Karina has a brother until we jump 20 years later and they don't serve a purpose other than just to help make Karina's case against Cowboy; provide some exposition. Right? Essentially, it's Karina that we really care about and you don't have the time to make us care much about Trey. The story is about Karina and Cowboy. Since this is a short, you gotta keep to the meat and potatoes. If you feel there's a strong argument for keeping Trey and Mariah in the story, then keep it and try finding other places to cut the fat. !
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Formatting issues:! --pg2 there needs to be a MATCH CUT transition from Karina smoking at 11 to the present Karina with a scene heading in between. So the
following scene would look like this:
! EXT. STREET – DAY ! TITLE CARD: TWENTY YEARS LATER !
MATCH CUT:
We follow the smoke trail down to a woman with her back facing us. She finally turns toward us to reveal a thirty-one year old Karina. She throws suitcases into the back of her car. She turns the keys. No go. Shit, forgot. She blows into a BREATHALYZER. It reads 0.00. The engine bursts to life.
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--She honks her horn furiously in the bumper to bumper traffic. Opens her midcase and finds a half full mini liquor bottle. She downs it. --Karina runs toward the ticket counter barely making it. --As she sits on the plane with drink in hand turbulence hits. Shit. Her drink spills all over her.!
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Honestly, I feel that you don't need the montage. I think it's enough to show Karina throwing her luggage into a car, using the breathalyzer, THEN having a drink right after starting the car. The montage doesn't offer anything new. !
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That scene alone gives us all we need to know about her emotional state at 31; what she's become and how she feels about the task ahead. Cutting those montage scenes will save you running time too. !
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Then the next scene brings us where we need to be. If you cut Trey and Mariah, then you can just show Karina grabbing a cab and we can arrive at the hotel. You could almost be just fine showing Karina waiting by the curb of the airport parking lot, smoking and maybe sneaking another drink. She's really not looking forward to this and more importantly (if you go with cutting Trey) she's doing this ALONE; higher stakes, more sympathy. !
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Then jump to her arriving at the hotel. I don't think we really need to see how she got there. The audience will believe that she just took a cab. !
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Anywhoo, thanks for letting me read it! I hope you can find something that will help in all of the notes. Use what you feel is best for the story you want to tell!!
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ZOMBIE PSYCH/THRILLER FEATURE!
OVERALL 4/5! I want to preface this by saying that this type of story isn’t! really my genre. However, the writer did well to make it engaging!
and entertaining throughout. It also adheres to storytelling! structure. I think with a little more fine tuning in character! development it can be even stronger. It could be as simple as! raising the stakes just a little more. Seeing, that it’s a! psychological thriller, perhaps another layer of depth could be! added to the story, by pushing the characters a little further.! It’s difficult, cause the writer would have to do so without! changing the direction of the story, which would be easy to do! with this scope of genre.!
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PREMISE! From what I gathered it’s a psychological thriller about five! estranged people attempting to hide and survive in a countryside! taken over by infected people, known as The Sick. Fear and panic! escalate as the survival skills of the group are tested severely.! How long can they hold out?!
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CHARACTER 4/5! The characters were distinct and well drawn out. The writer does! well to create tension and desperation between the characters. As! mentioned before it can be pushed a little more. Drive the! characters more into the wall, psychologically. What is! essentially more infected, the zombies or the minds of the people! in the cellar? How much different are the group than the zombies?! Questions like those could help add a little depth to the! characters. Also, making the cellar more of a character can help.! It can reflect the collective conscious of the group, perhaps.! At first, I thought Bobby was the main character, but quickly! came to realize it’s Rose. I also wasn’t a fan of the journal VO,! but I realized that it was effective in giving a sense of moving! time as well as showing Rose’s psychological arc. Essentially,! she is the strongest character throughout.!
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I have a problem with Wanda. I can’t decide if she should be a! genuinely good Christian woman with strong beliefs and a more! practical grounded approach to the situation, thereby causing the! group to respect her more, but still disagree and therefore! causing some more tension and even increase Roses’ emotional! reaction to Wanda’s lies and then see the crack in Wanda’s! Christian armor. OR make Wanda more of a fanatic with noble! intentions however misguided her attempts may be. As much as I! love to make jabs at Christianity and religion, it just seems! unfair and too easy to make her a crazy Christian, and have the! characters patronize her.!
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Have her raise a legitimate argument for the necessity of her! beliefs in that situation. Not believing in God or hating God in! that given circumstances is too easy to do. Then let us see the!
crack in the armor, cause we all know that if the religious! person loses hope, then we really are doomed!! At first, I believed Bobby was responsible for the widespread! infection and was waiting for the revelation of it as well as an! explanation, but I realized it would be a different story if the! writer chose that route. As mentioned before, I believe the story! is more about the seven individuals, rather than the zombies. The! writer did well to avoid that trap and stay on course.!
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PACING 4/5! The pacing was a bit slow during some of the second act, but I! think it was effective in giving the sense of stagnation and yet! time moving fast at the same time. I could feel time pass as I! read and felt the pacing move faster whenever someone was getting! sick. The feeling of waiting then panic and rushing gives the! story a nice ebb and flow. The writer could play around a little! with timing of it to make it stronger as well.!
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STRUCTURE 4/5! The writer does well to adhere to the three act storytelling! structure. I felt Act One essentially begins with the arrival of! Bobby and Rose to the cellar (our inciting incident), then Act! Two begins around page 38 when Harry, Miguel, and Bobby go! outside for the first time. I think the darkest part of the story! is when Bobby dies and Rose changes psychologically. But I also! think it makes her stronger and becomes the catalyst that drives! the rest of the story into Act Three and toward the end. Act! Three begins around page 101 when Rose leaves the cellar and! Wanda dies and the rescue is made.!
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FORMATTING 4/5! The formatting is practically flawless and adheres to the! industry standard.!
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DIALOGUE 5/5! The writer demonstrated a strong understanding and grasp of! dialogue. It fitted well with the personality of each character,! thereby making them distinct and congruent.!
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CONFLICT 5/5! Although, there are many elements of a man vs. nature conflict, I! believe the writer’s main conflict is essentially man vs. man,! whereby the fight is not directly between the group and the! zombies but more of the group’s fight with the fear of the zombie! threat and their own psychological battles with themselves and! the environment. Both conflicts were demonstrated well.!
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ORIGINALITY 3/5!
Because the story is part of the zombie horror/action genre, it! makes it less original. However, the shift in perspective from! zombie attacks and fights to the survival psychology of a few! survivors gives the story an original twist. The writer does well! to achieve this.!
! WRITING ABILITY 5/5! !
The writer does very well in describing the scenes and creating! the tone and mood of the story throughout. The writing is clean! and effective. The action and montage scenes were handled well.!
! Below are the only typos I could find.! ! pg. pg. pg. pg. pg. pg. pg.
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5 diane’s line “I thought you were tired.”! 6 bobby’s line “The three of us....”! 23 capitalize Rose! 30 harry’s line “Know what happens...”! 37 Bobby and Miguel should nod their heads in agreement! 48 Rose’s line VO, “and”! 109 “Another soldier follows them and carries…”!
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SPORTS DRAMA FEATURE
PREMISE/OVERALL! Honestly, this is really where the problem lies. The script is collection of different stories competing for attention. What starts out as Jay’s story of a tragic football injury, quickly becomes the beginning of love story, then a story about a group of friends trying to pull their friend out of a depression. Then the last 30 pages become a crime thriller about a psychopath seeking revenge for the humiliation of a high school football game. !
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You can touch on all of those stories in the script, if you really want to. But you must keep a strong narrative spine throughout and tie up all the plot threads in the end or you risk losing your audience to confusion and frustration. !
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At this stage of the process, I suggest you choose one of those stories and follow through with it—it all begins with Jay. Focus on his journey first. What is Jay’s story?!
! I believe one of the most important rules in storytelling is ! ! Make us care.! !
You mentioned that this story is a personal passion project. One of
the toughest things about writing a personal story is writing with the objective eye. The audience is only going to know and understand what you put on screen. You want to make sure that each scene moves the story forward and provides us with new and important information.!
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I think it’s a good idea to use the first couple of drafts to write out exactly what you want to see. Then when you revise, examine each scene and decide its function, dramatic value, and relevance. !
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An effective way to stay on track with your narrative is outlining— and what we call “breaking the story”. Breaking down the story to its essential elements or dramatic beats then organize them into an outline; guide. That way if you get lost half way through your script you have map for reference. !
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Also, this will help establish your log line and synopsis. You’ll need both of those when pitching your story to anyone. It also forces you to tell your entire story in one clear and concise page. !
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Because right now the script feels like you began telling the story one way and then got lost or sidetracked with different events and ideas that might have happened in your real life or wanted to happen and thus felt compelled to honor them by placing them in the story, but failed to establish their relevance to the story you started to tell or at least the most interesting one you need to tell. It happens to all of us in the beginning stages of the process. !
! CHARACTER! !
I’ll focus on Jay because right now everyone else in the script is part of the focus problem in the story. They won’t matter or have any significant impact until you nail down Jay’s story first. !
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I really like how you introduce Jay in the first 3 pages. The images and Jay’s opening lines compelled me to keep reading and begin to care about him. That’s essential. Kudos for that.!
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Problems:! — Right now, Jay is a passive protagonist. You need to make him active. Things are happening to Jay, but he never rises to any occasion or make decisive choices that to drive the story in a different direction that will cause consequences and challenges he never expected. !
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— The calls never whole
fight at the end only happens because Dutton kidnaps Mary and Jay. And Jay doesn't technically win the fight either. Dutton surrenders until the cops barge in and take him away— But the Dutton plot line is a moot point anyway. !
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— We expect Jay to remain with us as a guide for everything that will happen and hopefully learn something from his experience or be inspired by it—especially when we’re told how insanely gifted he used to be. Regardless, he needs to drive every scene in the story because you’ve set up a story to be told strictly through his POV.!
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What is Jay’s story? What does he want? Why does he want it? What happens when he doesn't get it?!
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The story needs to establish a main goal for Jay to achieve. Then we need to see him struggle to achieve it by confronting smaller goals along the way and raising the stakes against him. Instead most of the script is spent talking about him and his love for Mary. We need to see it. Make him and us earn every moment in the story. !
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— Show us why Mary is so special to Jay. Again, don’t just tell us. We’re given so little about who Mary is and what she wants, it’s difficult to understand why she’s second to none. Jay’s doting on her is not enough. !
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— At page 19, the story completely breaks the narrative rules you established with Jay’s POV and the VO device. If this story is to be told through Jay’s POV then you can’t abandon him at all, especially for 20 consecutive pages. !
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From 19-40, the perspective shifts to his friends, thus reducing Jay to a passive participant in his own story. Also, the dramatic value is higher if we SEE what Jay is going through and what happened with Mary instead of hearing about it via the friends. !
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It happens again when the story shifts to Dutton’s perspective and the story becomes a revenge crime drama—thus the last 20 pages unintentionally answers Jay’s initial question in the VO with a long fist fight with Dutton. !
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— All of this goes back to the question in the beginning and the story Jay promised to tell us. What is Jay’s story? A love story? A cautionary tale? A redemption story? A coming of age story? !
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— Until you can answer that question for yourself, it’ll be difficult for you to show Jay undergo a significant change in the story; to develop and make us care about him. This will allow you to raise the stakes and challenge the values you’ve established about Jay, thereby creating stronger conflict/drama. !
! Suggestions:! !
I sent you the script for The Spectacular Now. Notice how much you learn about the character of Sutter in the first 10 pages. Then look how much he changes in the story and what he learns at the end. !
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— With Jay, I suggest spending the first 10-15 pages establishing who is now. You already showed us who he was 10 years ago, but it feels like your main story is set in the present day. Show us his boring job. Have him narrate us through a typical day—his constant loneliness and how the best part of his day is seeing his old friends at the bar, but then goes home to watch old high school football games alone. !
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Then have him run into Mary for the first time. And when they finally go on a date, we get a hint at a spark of something; hope and happiness or something he’s afraid of. !
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Give him clear goals through the story. It’ll help move scenes along better and set up stronger conflicts. !
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— I feel like a compelling lesson/journey for Jay to experience in his relationship with Mary is that the old glory days of high school is not really what he wants back, but it’s the feeling of significance or adoration that his self esteem/identity held for all 3 of those high school years. !
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— Focus on what that emotional journey would include for Jay in the story. How is he going to learn this lesson and come to this realization? How will that change him? Maybe he tries to coach high school or something?!
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Then when you have that established, you could interweave the story of the that fateful night at the football game with the present day narrative. We can see the moments that led to the injury and how it changed everything. !
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— Also, keep the POV of the story with Jay. Limit how we experience everything in the story to Jay. !
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— Go back to these questions: What does he want? Why does he want it? What happens when he doesn't get it?!
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— Find ways to reveal his character to us through action; as with all your characters. ! !
! PLOT/STRUCTURE:! ! Problems:!
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— The script lacks a strong narrative spine; a central conflict or dramatic question with a clear beginning, middle, and end. !
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Because of this the story spends too much time on false starts, story tangents, repetitive information, and inexplicable changes of time/ perspectives that leave the reader incapable of investing into any part of the story. !
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— We never get a proper set up for Jay’s story or establish the beginning of his journey. Before the hero embarks on his journey, we need to know where he’s at first; where he starts. So the first question is: !
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Why is it important to begin Jay’s story 10 years after the injury instead of immediately after said injury?!
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It feels like you want the answer or “inciting incident” to be the relationship with Mary. That’s fine. Unfortunately, we’re robbed of that by jumping ahead in time to the aftermath of their break up and introducing all of Jay’s friends in one scene. You show your hand too much. Jay’s journey is interrupted just when we’re getting to know him in relation to Mary. !
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— Also, by playing so much with time and perspective so quickly and early in the script you risk having your audience get unnecessarily confused and ultimately become uncaring of your characters. We are constantly pulled in out of scenes at different moments in time, before we get a chance to care about what’s happening or who it’s happening to. And it’s never clear in the script why those jumps in time are necessary to understand anything that happens. !
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— Jay is introduced in two timelines; PRESENT DAY and HIGH SCHOOL. The problem is that without establishing which timeline we should care about; which is our focus for the main plot, both narratives never really get started. Instead the story shifts perspectives and goals giving the illusion that the story is progressing but essentially doesn’t go anywhere. !
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For example: Jay’s relationship with Mary is inexplicably anachronistic. I’m not sure what that is suppose to achieve; thereby making it distraction.!
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— The VO narration is completely abandoned; even at the end we don’t get a bookend to the VO device. !
! Suggestions:! !
— Simplify the story. Break it down to the essential elements; breaking the story. !
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— Familiarize yourself with the traditional 3 ACT STRUCTURE. The industry loves it and relies on it a lot, especially if your writing for the big studio commercial market. When you have confident grasp of it then you experiment with non-traditional act structures. !
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— The simple way to do this is through a Beat Sheet. Blake Snyder’s version is the popular one but you don’t have to do it that way. I think it’s a good tool to use for beginning writers. Eventually, it’ll all become intuitive and you can create your own beat sheet or narrative structure that best fits whatever story you’re telling. Regardless, you should have one and use it to outline your story. It’ll keep you honest and accountable. !
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Opening Image – A visual that represents the struggle & tone of the story. A snapshot of the main character’s problem, before the adventure begins.!
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Set-up – Expand on the “before” snapshot. Present the main character’s world as it is, and what is missing in their life.!
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Theme Stated (happens during the Set-up) – What your story is about; the message, the truth. Usually, it is spoken to the main character or in their presence, but they don’t understand the truth…not until they have some personal experience and context to support it.!
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Catalyst – The moment where life as it is changes. It is the telegram, the act of catching your loved-one cheating, allowing a monster onboard the ship, meeting the true love of your life, etc. The “before” world is no more, change is underway.!
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Debate – But change is scary and for a moment, or a brief number of moments, the main character doubts the journey they must take. Can I face this challenge? Do I have what it takes? Should I go at all? It is the last chance for the hero to chicken out.!
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Break Into Two (Choosing Act Two) – The main character makes a choice and the journey begins. We leave the “Thesis” world and enter the upside-down, opposite world of Act Two.!
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B Story – nugget of character the “love
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This is when there’s a discussion about the Theme – the truth. Usually, this discussion is between the main and the love interest. So, the B Story is usually called story”.!
The Promise of the Premise – This is the fun part of the story. This
is when Craig Thompson’s relationship with Raina blooms, when Indiana Jones tries to beat the Nazis to the Lost Ark, when the detective finds the most clues and dodges the most bullets. This is when the main character explores the new world and the audience is entertained by the premise they have been promised.!
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Midpoint – is “great” everything think they is what we
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Dependent upon the story, this moment is when everything or everything is “awful”. The main character either gets they think they want (“great”) or doesn’t get what they want at all (“awful”). But not everything we think we want actually need in the end.!
Bad Guys Close In – Doubt, jealousy, fear, foes both physical and emotional regroup to defeat the main character’s goal, and the main character’s “great”/“awful” situation disintegrates.!
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All is Lost – The opposite moment from the Midpoint: “awful”/“great”. The moment that the main character realizes they’ve lost everything they gained, or everything they now have has no meaning. The initial goal now looks even more impossible than before. And here, something or someone dies. It can be physical or emotional, but the death of something old makes way for something new to be born.!
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Dark Night of the Soul – The main character hits bottom, and wallows in hopelessness. The Why hast thou forsaken me, Lord? moment. Mourning the loss of what has “died” – the dream, the goal, the mentor character, the love of your life, etc. But, you must fall completely before you can pick yourself back up and try again.!
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Break Into Three (Choosing Act Three) – Thanks to a fresh idea, new inspiration, or last-minute Thematic advice from the B Story (usually the love interest), the main character chooses to try again.!
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Finale – This time around, the main character incorporates the Theme – the nugget of truth that now makes sense to them – into their fight for the goal because they have experience from the A Story and context from the B Story. Act Three is about Synthesis!!
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Final Image – opposite of Opening Image, proving, visually, that a change has occurred within the character.!
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