God and I!
Philip St. Romain
5. Journey to Egoic Authenticity Breaking Free of False Self Conditioning If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. (Mark Twain) To be nobody but myself--in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else--means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting. (E. E. Cummings)
The following five chapters (including this one) will discuss five different growth trajectories and the types of disciplines appropriate to each. In real life, however, we seldom pursue any of these pathways to the exclusion of the others, at least not for a very long time. For example, breaking free from false self conditioning, which is the concern of this chapter, is often accompanied and complemented by disciplines that help to develop the Ego-God relationship. Same goes for the other trajectories; pursuit of one can be supported by progress in another. It is helpful, however, to clearly identify these different developmental journeys, even though the trails through which they wind overlap with one another. Different professions exist to support them: psychotherapy for healing the wounds of the false self, and to support Ego-Self integration; spiritual direction for supporting growth in the Ego-God, Self-God and Ego-Self-God relationships. Naming these five pathways can also help us to recognize which of these we are already familiar with, and which we have neglected. Many people, for example, have made good progress in healing the wounds of the false self, but have done little to develop their Ego-God relationship. Conversely, there are countless people of religious faith who have deliberately opened themselves to God’s influence, but who are needing to become more healed from past hurts, and to develop a more authentic Ego. This present chapter focuses only on fostering Egoic authenticity, the primary obstacle to which is the false self conditioning we have internalized. The process by means of which we have all been wounded was described in Chapter 4, but can be summarized as an excessive attachment by the Ego to projecting an image to the outer world that will enhance the likelihood of gaining approval and/or avoiding criticism. Such an Ego is strongly identified with this Persona or mask, repressing thoughts and feelings that are incongruent with the desired Persona. An inner climate of disquietude prevails, with judgmentalism and preoccupation about 1
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identity keeping the intellect perpetually employed with trying to resolve the issue, “I’ll be OK when _______.” The Meaning of Authenticity To extricate the Ego from the insidious programming of the false self system, one will need to be committed to becoming more authentic. There are a number of ways this goal can be pursued, but the end result is that one who is more authentic knows and acts according to beliefs and values that he or she chooses, rather than by the beliefs and values of others or the culture. Sometimes, of course, there can be a congruence between what one believes and what others emphasize; we need such supportive friends and community in our lives. The Jesuit philosopher, Bernard Lonergan, has given us a good description of authenticity at work in our spiritual consciousness. Authentic people are faithful to what he calls four transcendental precepts:1 1. Being attentive. Noticing what is going on within oneself and around oneself. Being open to experiencing life. Naming one’s experiences. 2. Being intelligent. Noticing and honoring one’s questions, and formulating tentative answers to them. This applies not only to matters of logic, but to emotions and relationships as well. “Why do I feel this way?” is an example of this type of inquiry with regard to one’s psychological experience. 3. Being reasonable. Critically analyzing one’s tentative responses and hypotheses. Trying to get at the real truth of the issue rather than settling for a shallow answer. This movement is a natural follow-up from #2 and can take time to come to a satisfactory resolution. 4. Being responsible. Acting on the truth and values one has come to hold. Making intelligent decisions. The reader will no doubt note a parallel between what Lonergan describes and the view of the human spirit articulated in Chapter 2. Lonergan’s perspective on human consciousness has deeply influenced this work, as have books written by those who have mined the wealth of his approach.2 We see awareness being
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Also called “transcendental imperatives.” Daniel Helminiak, who studied under Lonergan, writes at length on the meaning of these four precepts in The Human Core of Spirituality: Mind as Psyche and Spirit. They are called “transcendental” because they arise from within and point to beyond ourselves. 2
I am especially indebted to Carla Mae Streeter, OP, my spiritual director, who has taught and written on the relevance of Lonergan to spirituality for many years at Aquinas Institute in St. Louis, MO. 2
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emphasized in Level 1, being attentive, with Levels 2 and 3 (being intelligent and reasonable) employing the intellect to raise questions and come to some degree of knowledge. Level 4, being responsible, engages the will in decision-making. Being authentic, then, is exercising the human spirit and its capacities for awareness, intelligence and freedom that we might come to experience our own lives more deeply, to live more faithfully to the truth as we understand it, and to act on that truth according to values that make sense to us. The false self system biases us against this kind of attentiveness, knowing and choosing. But the human spirit is not completely corrupted by false self programming and the consequential wounds effected within. Indeed, if it were, we should have no hope of healing. Some degree of awareness, intelligence and freedom remains, and needs to be employed in the task of becoming attentive to how the false self operates, to questioning and confronting its biases, and to choosing a better way of life. Being Attentive False self conditioning distorts Egoic attentiveness so that only a narrow range of reality is experienced. Some feelings like tenderness, for example, are considered unmanly for men to experience and demonstrate; women are likewise judged if they express anger. Reality is filtered through the Persona and its judgments and projections in such manner that we are much more tuned in to what can support or threaten our self-image, while the rest is basically tuned out. Thus do we miss out on so much of life! Being attentive means widening the lens through which we open ourselves to the world within and outside of us. It is about living more fully in the present moment, noticing what we feel, what we think about things, what others look like, what the air feels like, and so forth. We might need to coach ourselves to do this, reminding ourselves to pause, to smell, to notice feelings and even what we might call strange ideas and hunches that seem to come from nowhere. In doing so, we are intensifying the level of awareness that is immanent in the Ego, and thus becoming more attuned to the interface between reflecting and non-reflecting awareness. Having more times for silence in our lives is an excellent way to become more attentive. The more “noise� from TV, radio, phone, emails, Internet, texts, etc. that we introduce into our minds, the noisier we will be within as the mind attempts to sort through all of this information. Silence enables us to begin to be 3
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in touch with deeper levels of thoughts and feelings, not to mention the world around us as well. Of course, that is one reason why many keep their consciousness stirred up -- so they do not have to encounter those deeper levels. “Noise” can be an addictive involvement if our immersion in it is motivated by escape from encountering ourselves. This is one area where religious pathways criss-cross with that of Ego-authenticity, as the silence of prayerful attentiveness can help one become more willing to drop the noise for awhile. Another simple discipline to support being attentive is to keep an awareness journal.3 Here, all you do is to jot down moments of observation and experience that made an impression on you during the day. For example: - tired and hungry upon awakening - the morning air was cold, but fresh and invigorating - several brownish birds on the sidewalk, but don’t know what they were - stomach tensing as I approached the office Doing this kind of exercise can help to reinforce the practice of being attentive. Part of the awareness journal could also be a section on emotional awareness (or this could be an entirely separate exercise). Here one uses two columns: one for “what happened” and the other for “how I felt.” The idea here is to become more open to the subtle shades of feelings you have through the day. False self conditioning tends to numb emotional awareness through its implicit and even explicit judgements of some feelings being OK and others not. We tend to get more into our heads, wondering what we should feel rather than being open to what we actually do feel. Table 2 below shows how such a feelings journal might work: What Happened?
How I Felt
July 8, 2013 - running late for work this morning
annoyed with myself for sleeping in; stressed about confrontation by boss
- email from Dave
enjoyed reading his news; grateful for his friendship Table 2: Feelings Awareness Journal
3
Some people prefer to do this exercise without writing in a journal, and that is fine, of course. 4
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Philip St. Romain
Authentically experiencing the reality of our own lives is the gift that being attentive holds out to us. Of course, this might not always seem like such a great gift when the experience is unpleasant, or entails getting in touch with painful feelings and memories. Honestly acknowledging what’s going on in that “secret self” part of our inner life -- the part we hide from the outside world -- might not be so much fun, either. The support of a counselor, friend, or pastor might be necessary at times to assist us in our attending to the painful aspects of life. Often, the fear of seeing what is there is worse than the reality we are avoiding, but we do not know that until we actually give it a try. Try we must, for, as Socrates noted, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Being attentive to the life we are already living is a first and ongoing step in this examination process. If we are faithful to this practice, we will come to a deeper appreciation of the wonder of ordinary things. Being Intelligent and Reasonable Although Lonergan separates being intelligent and reasonable into different steps, I am combining them as they are two closely related operations of the intellect. The intellect is an amazing aspect of the human spirit, with powers that far exceed its characteristic logical and problem-solving operations. As part of our spiritual nature, it is also intuitive, which is to say that it is attuned to subtle insights and realizations. Its inductive reasoning capabilities also enable us to recognize patterns and connections that its lower, plodding, deductive operations do not seem to see. Our false self programming inflicts the intellect with an impossible problem to resolve: “I am flawed, fearful, ashamed.” This is is presented with emotional urgency, prompting the intellect to swing into action to resolve the issue, “How to make me OK.” The outer environment is regularly scanned along with one’s own memory databases for clues to how to resolve this issue, but nothing usually seems to work for long. Hence, a considerable amount of intellectual power is coopted by the false self system, leaving us somewhat handicapped to face other life issues. But the intellect is not just a problem-solver; it is also a truth-detector. Intellectual authenticity is about tapping into this potentiality of the intellect to sort out truth from falsehood that we might come to live by those beliefs and 5
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values that contribute to a fully human life rather than the fearful, cautious approach of the false self. What follows are several examples of how this kind of authenticity can be fostered. First, we need to honor our own questions. There is an old zen tale where the disciple asked the Master where the sky came from. “Where did your question come from?” replied the Master. We see this natural movement from the wonder of attentiveness leading to questions in small children, who cannot seem to come to the end of asking “Why this?” or “Why that?” It can drive parents crazy, but it’s also evidence that their spiritual consciousness and its intellectual capacity is coming to life. Somehow through the years, this innate curiosity becomes numbed, often because of the harsh and invalidating responses we have received in response to our questioning. But unless you are one who knows and understands everything, there ought to still be a question or two hanging around somewhere in your consciousness. Make a list of them; it doesn’t matter what they are about. Every question is an invitation to learn something and thus to grow in some manner. Second, we research responses to our questions, or we formulate our own hypotheses. Sometimes this is easy. “How to bake oatmeal cookies?” There are many recipes on the Internet. “Why is the sky blue?” There’s a scientific answer to that one as well, though it might raise more questions concerning the meaning of some of the terms used. “Why did my sister not call this evening like she said she would?” is a little more complicated. You might wonder if she was ill, or forgot, or was mad at you, or something like that. There’s just no knowing for sure, but those are all examples of hypotheses, and you might seize upon one of them as the most likely answer. Third, we verify our responses and hypotheses through more research and evaluation. You will just have to call your sister or talk to someone who knows her whereabouts to see why she missed her scheduled call. That will settle the matter for sure. Regarding the scientific answer to the question of why the sky is blue, you could verify the explanations given through your own scientific research, but this is one instance where you might trust in the authority of the writer. As for those oatmeal cookies, the proof is in the eating: if following the recipe yields a satisfactory result, then the case can be considered closed. If not, however, then you might decide to try a different recipe. 6
God and I!
Philip St. Romain
Steps 2 and 3 can be taken regarding almost any questions you might have, but it’s especially important to pursue them at some time regarding the beliefs and values handed down to you by your family and culture, especially your religious tradition. As children, we typically accept the explanations given in response to our questions about God, for example, as valid since they were shared by an adult authority. Later in life, we will probably want to re-visit those responses, and even the questions themselves. We might even choose to undertake a process of deliberate inquiry (even if our questions aren’t urgent) as a way of updating our knowledge and understanding. What follows is a possible approach: • What does the tradition actually teach on a particular matter (not simply what I think it teaches)? • Why does the tradition teach what it teaches? How did it come to this understanding? • What parts of this teaching make sense to me? • What parts do not make sense, or do I not understand? • What do I now believe in light of this process of study? • What further investigations are necessary? Obviously, this is hard work, but the fruit of it would be an authentic engagement with one’s religious, cultural or family tradition. You would know what you believe and why, and so would be more disposed to act on these beliefs accordingly (being responsible). Not everyone will need to do this depth of questioning, however. I think of my own father, here, who simply accepted the teachings of the Catholic Church that he was taught during his elementary and high school years. Whenever I tried to discuss a teaching with him and share some of my own questions and doubts, he would repeat what he had been taught, saying “this is what the priests and sisters taught us. . .” Just as I accept the scientist’s explanation for why the sky is blue without needing to do the research and experimentation myself, so, too, did he accept the authority of his religion teachers and trust the process by which these teachings had come about. I have come to see that this can be an authentic stance if the teachings do make sense and one is not deliberately avoiding the task of critically examining those that do not make sense. Fourth, we challenge the irrational beliefs and assumptions of the false self system. This step does not follow from the three above, but is simply another way to use the intellect to help clean up some of the inner confusion created by false 7
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Philip St. Romain
self programming. The best way to get into this process is to try to understand what’s behind your feelings. Sometimes a feeling is an automatic, irrational response, but usually it is related to underlying beliefs and expectations. For example: Disappointment - my expectations were not met Sad - loss of something important to me. Fear - a perceived threat of some kind. Happy - an expectation or goal has been met. Each of these common feelings is related to an expectation or belief of some kind. Rational Emotive Therapy4 and other cognitive therapies give us a way to work with the underpinnings of feelings. We can use the wisdom of these approaches by setting up a journal page with four columns, as follows: Event
Feelings
Thoughts
Response
Traffic jam on way to work
Anger. Stress. Frustration.
Stupid city planners. I’ll be late for work. I’ll be fired. Why didn’t I leave earlier?
Nothing I can do about the roads. I’ll get there when I get there. Find something on the radio to enjoy.
Dress pants didn’t fit.
Sadness. Shame. Annoyance.
I’m such a fat loser. I hate to buy new clothes.
Your worth as a person isn’t determined by how your clothes fit. Smile. Find something else to wear. Maybe time for a diet?
Stock market dropped sharply today.
Fear. Bewilderment.
I’ll never be able to retire! I’ll be OK when I have saved enough to retire. How to best invest my money?
The market goes up and down. Stick with the plan you and your financial advisor came up with.
Table 4: Cognitive Restructuring Journal The first three columns of this exercise are examples of being attentive, as we are simply noticing and naming the events, feelings and thoughts that took place. In the Response column, however, we shine the light of reason on our 4
Rational Emotive Therapy posits an ABCD approach where A is the activating event, B is the belief one has about what is happening, C is the consequential feeling/emotion, and D is the step of Disputing irrational beliefs (B). See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rational_emotive_behavior_therapy for more information. 8
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experience, challenging negative thinking, and affirming a more reasonable and realistic alternative belief. Through weeks and months of doing this kind of work, we learn that we can re-shape our responses to events on the spot. Our feelings become more responsive to new beliefs and expectations, and those we have internalized from false self programming become diminished. Such is the hope, at least. One suggestion is that, in addition to the slow, plodding type of selfexamination outlined in Table 4, you go straight to the linchpin belief underlying most of our inner disquietude: “I’ll be OK when _____.” You can see evidence of it in row 3 of the journal exercise above, but it manifests in countless other ways. Make a list of the ways it comes up in your life; what are all your “I’ll be OK whens?” You can look them over and respond to each, and that would be helpful. You can also go straight to the root and challenge the whole idea of “I’ll be OK when ______” by affirming unconditional acceptance of yourself as a person just as you are, right now. Doing this in a prayerful context, opening to God’s unconditional love and acceptance of you, is a powerful way to augment and deepen your own self-acceptance. Being Responsible In a sense, everything we have discussed in this chapter thus far is about becoming responsible, first for where we place our attention, then for the kinds of beliefs and thoughts that shape how we understand ourselves and our lives. What this section is concerned with now is how we exercise our will in the decisionmaking process. Being more attentive, intelligent and responsible will enable us to experience more inner freedom, but there is still work to be done at the level of the will. Our first concern in this section will be addictions, and how they undermine our freedom. False self conditioning leads to inner frustrations that we inevitably “medicate” with a variety of mood-altering fixes. It’s easy enough to see how alcoholism, for example, is an addiction, but much more difficult to spot the subtle addictions that keep us numb to our inner life. For myself, it was not one, but a variety of things that did so, none of which had become major problems, but all of which in combination sufficed to keep me numbed out. Coffee, beer, cigarettes, junk novels and TV sports, for example, served as fixes for me for many years. Whenever I would begin to get close to deeper feelings, I could run to one or more 9
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of these and it would take the edge off for awhile. I am certain that if I had kept up this pattern much longer, one or another of these activities would have become a major problem in and of itself. I would have added others as well. As long as we are caught up in mood-altering fixes, we are not free; we do not have our addictions, they have us. In the language of Step One of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, addictions leave us “powerless” and our lives “unmanageable.” To say that one is “powerlessness” is not meant to be a cop-out, however -- as though we blame the addiction for our behavior. It’s actually a first step to taking responsibility for our situation. As long as we believe we are in control of our addictive involvements, we will most likely continue indulging them. When we finally stop and take a good, hard look at our lives and our fixindulgences, we begin the process of reclaiming the energy and freedom co-opted by our addictions. This takes us back to being attentive. We honestly acknowledge what we use to avoid facing our inner pains, and all the ways we have given ourselves over to these fixes. Maybe we have even told ourselves and others that we could stop any time we wanted, but now we notice that this is probably not the case. If you discover that you have a serious addictive involvement, do not hesitate to seek the assistance of a counselor or recovery group to break free. Even if your involvement is not so serious, it’s often a good idea to seek help. As we let go of our addictions, we discover that we have more and more inner freedom available to us. With freedom comes responsibility, however. How shall we use our freedom? What values and priorities will guide our lives? Clarifying our values is, then, a second emphasis in this section. We have received a set of values during our upbringing, some of which have been contaminated by false self programming. These are generally experienced as “shoulds, musts and oughts,” which exert pressure on us to act in certain ways on certain occasions. Shoulds feel heavy and burdensome, like an inner parent constantly looking over our shoulder. Eventually, we need to decide what to keep and what to throw away. In my own life, for example, I recall a time when I was in college and would frequently drive home on weekends to visit my family. My route took me past a nursing home where my grandparents were living at the time, and my father would frequently ask if I planned to stop in and visit them on my trip back to school. “You know they might not be alive much longer,” he would say, “and they 10
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really love you.” I did know all that, but sometimes I just wanted to drive back to school and not stop in. His reminders felt like a “should” and they annoyed me. Often I would stop in simply to please him, for I knew he’d ask about it. Then one day driving back to school I reflected on the situation and asked myself if I still valued being in relationship with my grandparents, who had been such sources of love to me when I was younger. I decided that I did want such a relationship, and that I would go to visit them because I chose to do so, not because my dad nagged me about it. The value of being in relationship with grandparents shifted from a should to a choice, and that felt much better. Shortly thereafter, my father quit asking me about it, as I had reassured him that this was important to me and I would stop in regularly. This was a good outcome for all of us. Space does not permit a comprehensive discussion of values clarification. A simple process would be to go through traditional expressions of values and question them as outlined in the section above on Being Intelligent and Responsible. For example, you could take the Ten Commandments, and for each you could consider what values you understand the Commandments to be upholding. Then you could reflect on what part(s) of the Commandment makes sense to you, and which does not. You could do some reading, research and dialogue with others about these values, finally deciding for yourself what you will commit to. Some like to summarize this kind of exercise by writing out their own list of commandments, or perhaps a mission statement. Ideally, you could also share this with someone else -- your spouse, friend, pastor, spiritual director, etc. A third emphasis in this section is to become more responsive rather than reactive in making decisions. Through years of living, we all develop many ingrained habits, and this is not all bad. I am glad, for example, that I do not have to consciously think about every little detail of driving a car when I go somewhere. There was a time, when I first began driving, that I did have to be hyper-attentive to all the details, but I eventually learned how to drive and now there’s a whole system of inner habits that functions like a robot, of sorts, enabling me to get in the car and go without being preoccupied about it. When another vehicle starts to creep up close behind me, the robot nudges me to be more attentive to what’s happening and perhaps make some kinds of adjustments. After I do so, the autopilot robot takes over again, and my consciousness can focus elsewhere. I can converse with others in the car, pay attention to the radio, notice the scenery, and so forth. All very good! 11
God and I!
Philip St. Romain
We have many inner robots that direct our eating, conversing, working and so forth. Again, this is not all bad, only we do need to take responsibility for these habitual ways of living. Practicing attentiveness as noted earlier in this chapter is one way to do so, especially with regard to the kinds of decisions we make. We especially want to be on the lookout for decisions we make that are emotional reactions to circumstances, as that’s sure to get us in trouble sometime. Becoming more aware of our feelings and thoughts helps us to avoid being reactive, allowing for the possibility of responsive decision-making. Being responsive means recognizing that circumstances do not dictate our actions, even those when we have strong feelings. We always have options as to how we might respond in a situation. What are these options? What are the pros and cons to each? Which seems the best application of values in this situation? These are the kinds of questions that help us to become more response-able in making decisions. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of going through an involved decisionmaking process, however. We have to act, and to do so quickly. Even in such situations, it is possible to pause briefly and consider options. People of religious faith will find it helpful to pray for guidance as well. “What, Lord?” is a prayer I often pray in such circumstances, attentive for an indication of the best option to take. I can never be certain that my decisions are absolutely the correct ones. None of us can. Being responsive is enough, however. Summary The journey to egoic authenticity is an ongoing invitation and challenge. With time and practice, we can become more habitually disposed to being attentive, intelligent, reasonable and responsible, and this makes it easier to live in this manner. There is usually an initial period of hard work and training that can go on for quite some time, however. Ideally, this would begin early in life so that by the time one is a young adult and ready to commit to a vocation, authenticity is wellestablished. Unfortunately (in my experience, at least), this ideal is seldom realized. Often it is mid-life or even later when people begin to take up in earnest the task of examining and working through the false self programming they absorbed during their early years and reinforced through years of acting out. Better late than never, of course. The fruit of this work, as we have noted, is authenticity: experiencing your life, thinking your own thoughts, believing what makes sense to you, and acting 12
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according to your own values. A more traditional way of speaking about this would be to say that it is a coming to self-knowledge and acting accordingly. Such selfknowledge is a cornerstone of spirituality, Christian and otherwise. If we do not take responsibility for what is ours -- namely, our own consciousness -- we cannot expect other people or even God to take responsibility for us. We also come to experience more humility, for we recognize the limitations to our being attentive, intelligent, reasonable and responsible. Lonergan considered these precepts “transcendental� in that they all pointed beyond our inner life to outer engagements. Attentiveness opens us to a universe filled with wonder; intelligence prompts us to question and understand it that we might gain knowledge and wisdom; responsiveness moves us to meet our needs in relationships and in the creation. Through it all, we learn that we cannot do this alone, and so we are led to one another to share together in our attending, wondering, questioning, researching, and so forth. This interactivity, in turn, brings to light aspects of ourselves we would have never known otherwise, some of it maybe not so pleasant. Even the painful, however, is an occasion for attending, learning and growing. On and on it goes, with the Ego becoming increasingly freed from false self programing and, hence, transparent to the deeper dimensions of our human potentiality.
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