Mum Rage - Psychotherapist Cristelle Hayes explains Mum Rage

Maternal Rage

Country Child asks psychotherapist Cristelle Hayes - What is it & how to deal with it?

Maternal anger is when we become overwhelmed with rage and struggle to access the calm and patient side we usually experience as a parent. We may shout at our kids or throw things around the room or handle our children a little too roughly or be too harsh with our reactions to situations. The problem is that we expect motherhood will be a joyful and blissful experience, but motherhood is much more complex than that. There is also a lot of stress and anger. Mothers get angry when in a place of lack, lack of self-care, lack of time to ourselves, lack of sleep or lack of support. Mothers are angry at the mental load, at juggling careers and family responsibilities as well as defending themselves from constant criticism and judgment from society. Other common triggers to maternal anger include, children not listening, bedtime and mealtime battles and sibling fighting. I recently became overwhelmed with rage when I caught my husband having a nap when I was feeling desperate for sleep. There is a lot going on to provoke maternal anger. Yet, without minimising the very real reasons for our anger we need to manage it around our children, so it doesn’t impact on them. We can deal with maternal anger by reflecting upon and getting to know the triggers. Reflect on what is going on in moments when you are in a rage. Are you in a place of lack, and if so, how can you get what you need, so you are not running on an empty tank? Create a plan for when the anger rises. Work out what helps you regulate your emotions. Simple ways we can regulate our emotions include stopping and pausing on what is going on, stepping away, and validating how you are feeling. Drink a cold glass of water, take ten deep breaths, notice your environment, and noticing the sensation of your feet on the ground. Take a moment to send a message to a friend or do a simple mindfulness exercise. As long as your children are safe, do what you need to do to look after yourself and reset. Remind yourself that this stuff is hard. Offer yourself compassion. Remind yourself of the times when you have displayed patience and parented in the way you wanted to. Look at photos of your children happy and smiling. This can all add some perspective to times when it can get too intense. If the anger is getting too much and is affecting your relationship with your children, please reach out to a GP or a therapist for support.

Article by Cristalle Hayes, existential and traumabased psychotherapist and author of Angry Mother Assertive Mother: From maternal anger to radical repair, published by Rethink, out now, available on Amazon

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