A Matter of Life and Death By Jolene Ewert
June 15th, 1985 As I sit here and stare at the walls in my six by eight foot cell, my mind slips in and out of reality. With nothing but time on my hands, loneliness and desperation consume my thoughts. At times I believe I am crazy but, what I don’t know is if I was always this way or if this place turned me into the mess I have become. Twenty-three hours a day spent in utter isolation. I try to remember a happier time with my wife Barbara and my two sweet daughters, Kendra and Kailey. Thoughts of them and my former life bring a smile to my face. But, when I dare to dream of what they must think of me now, I shutter with shame. How their lives will be ruined forever by my mistakes. I am not even fit to eat the slop served to me in this cold, dark dungeon.
June 30th, 1985 I haven’t felt like writing much lately. I thought this journal would serve as a form of therapy but it is more often a cold reminder of my fading existence on this earth. Had a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday but as usual, he was a bearer of bad news. My appeal was denied and it looks like I will fry as planned. This damn place had gotten into my head again and I can barely form a clear thought.
July 4th, 1985 Happy Birthday America! Big deal…I am not free, I haven’t seen the sunshine in over two months now. Once last week they let a few of us out for “recreation time”. That consists of us all shoved into a small, stinky room where we pretend we have a future and play a couple hands of spades. I wrote letters to Barbara and the kids trying to explain how I ended up here.
They refuse to answer my letters or take my calls. Barbara says they need to move on. It feels as if I am already gone.
July 9th, 1985 I had a visitor today from a local church. A clean shaven and sharply dressed young man tried to save my soul. A real bible thumper but he did give me a lot to think about. I never went to church as a kid or as an adult. I guess I believe in God but how could he let this happen? Am I destined to go to hell? Could it be much different from the hell I am already living in? But, sometimes I do wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare where I am condemned to Dante’s inferno. It’s too late now anyway, what will be will be.
July 15th, 1985 I spent the weekend in a complete depression. I have come up with half a dozen ways to end this all now. Counting down the days of your life is beyond complete torture. I must have some control over this situation. The guards have noticed a change in my behavior and Bob says I better get my shit together or they will start doping me up. Maybe that would be for the best‌
July 30th, 1985 I have been doing a little better lately. I spend most of the time submerged in thoughts of me existing in another place and time. I can be anything I want to be and go anywhere I want to go! Yesterday I was a pirate in the Caribbean, Oh the exhilaration! If only I had a second chance to do all the things I never got a chance to do!
August 3rd, 1985 When I was seven years old, my grandpa took me on my first fishing trip. I can still remember the smell of his beater car. A mixture of chewing tobacco, old spice and the worms we were going to use as bait. As we headed to the lake, the fishing poles jingled in the back seat. His loyal dog Buck had his head clear out the window. We spent all weekend catching trout and telling stories around the campfire. It is one of my happiest memories. Thank God old grandpa can’t see me now.
August 7th, 1985 I had a dream that Barbara finally came to see me last night. Or was it a dream? She seemed so real, her hair glowing in the light just as it had on our wedding day. I tried to reach out and hold her, to give her one last kiss. But, she was gone as quickly as she had appeared and I cried myself to sleep.
August 14th, 1985 When I look back on my life, it is not all bad. I am not the hardened criminal accused of these atrocious crimes. The errors I have made do not deserve death. I would plead for my life if I knew who to plead with or thought it would make a difference. I pray to God but he doesn’t seem to care or has just stopped listening. There are moments I am proud of; graduating from college with a degree in business, watching the birth of my daughters and putting the down payment on our family home. Doesn’t amount to much now in the big scheme of things but they were milestones in my life that I am glad I got to experience.
August 25th, 1985 They tell me the end will be any day now. It’s funny how I always knew it would end up this way but now as I face it, I tremble with fear. The feeling of hopelessness is like a brick in the pit of my stomach. Never again will I live outside these walls, feel the sunlight on my face or cast out that fishing rod one more time. What will become of me? Will I be a body in the grave or is there an existence beyond this world? What will become of the family I leave behind?
September 1st. 1985 This will be my final journal entry as tomorrow is the day my life will end. I have come to accept the fact that I can’t change my fate. I have made my peace with God and can only hope for a better place than the one I have been living in for the last ten years. There are a few words I must say to those I leave behind. To my true love Barbara: I knew from the first moment I saw you that one day you would become my wife. You were fifteen sitting on a swing in the park by Cherry Street. I pulled up on my Harley and offered you a ride. I bet you have thought many times what a huge mistake you made by accepting but, I am so grateful for the many chances you gave to me. The tears I saw in your eyes so many times make my heart ache and I wish you so much more happiness than you ever knew with me. You are an amazing woman and although I never knew how to show you, I love you. Please forgive me for all of the pain I have caused you. To my little princesses Kendra and Kailey: you will never know the joy you brought to my life. Kendra, I remember the first time you held my thumb in your little hand. I never wanted you to let me go. And Kailey, when your first word came out “daddy”, it melted my heart. I know you will both become beautiful, successful women. I am sorry I cannot be here for you. Always remember how proud I am of you both.
They asked me what I would like to have for my final meal. I thought who gives a shit? But, I decided to have that fried trout one last time. See you on the other side old Grandpa Ed… maybe. Sometimes it is hard to define what life or death really means. Sometimes we don’t have the answers to many of life’s questions. And sometimes, an innocent man is executed for a crime he did not commit.