the
GR
M’S
SECRET HANDBOOK how not to screw up the biggest day of her life by Anthony Marsh & Jay Blumenfield
FIRESIDE
SIMON & S C H US T E R
CONTENTS:
THE ENGAGEMENT Rockin’ and Kneelin’
6
the girlfriend the ring special feature: choosing the right rock the proposal
PLANNING Devise and Conquer
16
the location the location game the vows
FESTIVITIES ‘Til Death Do Us Party the bachelor party the wedding day countdown
22
CHAPTER THE ENGAGEMENT Rockin’ and Kneelin’
1 THE ENGAGEMENT 7
Is your girl worthy of the royal treatment?
the
Girlfriend Getting married is one of the most fantastic things in the world, ranking right up there with winning concert tickets and getting your parents to lend you their house for the weekend. Yet unlike the latter, marriage has rules. In order to live that happy-ever-after existence, you must pay attention to certain warning signs in your soon to be legally committed relationship. Otherwise you may wind up the brunt of everyone’s cruel jokes—that is, more than you usually are.
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 8
>> Just be wary of the crazy ones, they’re more common than you would like to think.
IS YOUR GIRL A BLOOD-SUCKING LEECH? (because if she is, it’s time you had her lanced.) Answer honestly and select the response that best applies to your situation: 1. You have started to lose touch with a. your friends b. yourself (if you know what we mean) c. your bank account 2. Do you find yourself suddenly enjoying a. moonlit walks and picnics in the park b. napping c. working her part-time job for her 3. Have you seen an image of her a. in your dreams b. in a friend’s yearbook c. on America’s Most Wanted
4. Does she try to influence your taste in a. movies b. food c. other guys for her to date 5. Do her nicknames for you resemble a. sweetie b. pookie-wookie c. pudgy-balding-time-consumer 6. After going out, has she called a. her mother b. her clergyman c. her bookie
7. She occasionally points out a. the places she used to live as a kid b. the places she used to play as a kid c. the place she lives with her other husband and kids
Scoring: all answers of (a) score 1 point, answers of (b) score 2 points, and answers of (c) score 3 points 7 pts: Your relationship is normal and healthy 8-14 pts: She’s still worth marrying, though you should hire a private investigator to shadow her every move just to be sure. 15-20 pts: Scrap the loser. She’s dead weight. 21 pts: Drop your pen and run. Run fast. THE ENGAGEMENT 9
Not the ring you need, but her reaction to yours should be similar to this.
the
Ring
You’re ready to be married and there’s no stopping you. It’s now time to pop the question.
You just need a ring and you’re all set. Now simply march down to your bank and withdraw your life’s savings, borrow some more money from your folks, maybe a little from your friends,
then hock your car, take a loan, sell a kidney or two. Hey, what’s schlepping around a dialysis machine when it comes to showing your woman how much you want to be together for all eternity? Nothing says commitment to a woman like a rock that comes from South African soil and sets you back three months’ salary. Up until this moment, you probably haven’t never given this particular rock too much thought. Ironic isn’t it? The item you are about to spend more money on than you ever thought could be
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 10
THE JEWELER CHALLENGE Respond true or false to the these statements:
spent in one place for something that you can’t drive is an item you know nothing about. And the real irony is that your woman knows all there is to know. In fact, she has known all about the “4 C’s of Diamonds”—carat, cut, clarity, and color—since childhood. Unfortunately, you can’t ask your future fiancée to give you the skinny, because this is supposed to be a huge surprise. You must contact everyone you know with connections to the diamond industry. Take that information, mull it over awhile, and make the most informed choice you can, understanding
>> Let’s face facts: a diamond is nothing more than an over digested piece of coal—the kidney stone of earth’s urinary tract.
A good jeweler should explain “clarity” as the measure of the stone’s imperfections. Answer: True. Clarity is not the measure of your imperfection as a person spending up to a year’s salary on a rock. A good jeweler should deal “Wholesale to the general public.” Answer: False. “Wholesale to the public” is as big an oxymoron as “marital bliss.” A good jeweler should advise you that white gold looks exactly like platinum Answer: True. But a great jeweler will tell your fiancée that it is platinum.
that you’re going to get screwed regardless.
This is what you should be shooting for.
THE ENGAGEMENT 11
CHOOSING THE RIGHT
ROCK
There are several characteristics that work in sync to create a diamond's overall appearance and durability, and four of those factors are often lumped together. Called the Four Cs, they include diamond color, clarity, cut and carat weight. Each of the Four Cs is important, but there's no set "recipe" for the perfect diamond.
color
clarity Z
P D M
J A diamond's appearance is significantly influenced by its color which ranges from D (colorless) to Z (light yellow). A colorless diamond will exude flashes of light in a spectrum of hues, a characteristic referred to as "fire." Color in a diamond inhibits its ability to reflect light. Therefore, diamonds with noticeable color will not have the same fire as colorless or near colorless diamonds.
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 12
Inclusions are nature's birthmarks, the characteristics—or lack thereof— that make each diamond unique. The fewer the visible inclusions and blemishes a diamond has, the better its clarity rating, and the more rare and valuable it is.
And although the topics might seem overwhelming at first, if you work through the information in a step-by-step way you'll find it won't take long to learn how to combine the Four Cs to find a diamond that suits your style, your needs, and your budget.
cut
carat weight table
crown girdle
depth
pavilion
culet
While high grades of color and clarity contribute to a diamond's appeal, it's the cut that determines the symmetry of the stones facets, its overall proportions, and its ability to reflect brilliance and light.
The weight of diamonds are measured in carats. When comparing carats to the metric system, 1 carat is equal to 0.2 grams or 0.007 ounces. With all other factors being equal, diamonds of greater carat weights are exponentially more valuable than those of lower weights.
THE ENGAGEMENT 13
the
Proposal
This particular question will live on in legend. It seems like a pretty basic concept. You ask, she answers. You’ve done it a million times. Want to go to the movies? Yeah, sure. How ‘bout dinner? Great, I’m finished. Wanna get down on all fours and bark like a dog for me? Sure, I’ll be there in a sec. Think about it this way: Her friends never inquire, “How did he ask you to the movies? Was it raining? Was he nervous?” Your beloved will tell the story of your proposal for the rest of time—at family gatherings, at dinners with PTA friends, and to complete strangers—whenever the mood may strike. So you better make it extra special. But whatever you do or say, stay away from these particular openers. Trust us, we know. THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 14
>> As awesome as it may sound, avoid the freaking jumbotron and other tricks. PROPOSALS ONE SHOULD NEVER UTTER—EVER. “I think you are probably as good as I am going to get, so uh, I guess we should get married.”
“Will you marry me so we can have sex with the same person over and over and over for years upon years, never tasting the pleasure “Well I guess now that your sister is taken, I’ll have to settle for of new flesh, never again feeling the flush of you.” unknown lips and untouched passions, just the same person again and again and again “Look I just don’t have enough money to date anymore.” until it is as exciting as taking a dump.” “My parents will pay you generously for your troubles.” “If you don’t marry me, the government will deport me and I will be beheaded by the Hezbollah” “Do you know how much money we could save in tax incentives if we got hitched?”
“Look, if it doesn’t work out we can always get a divorce.” “Without a wedding nobody gets any cool presents...So let’s get married, okay?” NOTE: As for the proposals to utter, we figure anything not covered here is fair game. Good luck and be sure to not to break wind when you drop to one knee.
THE ENGAGEMENT 15
CHAPTER PLANNING Devise and Conquer
2
the
Location
The chapel is in foreclosure, the hotel banquet hall is booked indefinitely, and your parents’ backyard can only seat fourteen people and a cat. What do you do? As you will come to realize, there are many factors that go into the decision of location. So before you rent out the balcony at the XXX theater down the block, play our little board game. Some places will simply need to be overlooked.
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 18
the LOCATION Game Directions: You and your fiancée each take a turn rolling a die. Advance the appropriate number of spaces, following the directions described for that square. Continue until one person comes to a decision or the die is hurled across the room and permanently embedded in the wall.
Aunt Edna is still hooked up to life support. Wedding must be close to home, roll again.
Fiancée’s family $ is sued by a disgruntled cable guy, no money for fancy location. roll again.
Half your family is wiped out in RIP a freak RC car accident, extra funds are now available to you, move ahead three spaces.
Get side-swiped by a police car, collect injury settlement, move ahead three spaces.
Plan wedding on the floor of NY Stock Exchange, lose thirty grand on some internet company, go back four spaces.
Learn that island’s only inhabitant is Hervé Villechaize’s ghost, go back one space.
Your minister secretly marries you during a conference with him. Lose your religion and roll again.
Win the lottery, 4 float through life, no need to ever roll again.
Plan wedding on North Pole, to be “on top of the world,” cold feet become gangrenous, go back two spaces.
Book Sistine Chapel and fly guests to Rome.
Get married on the Concorde; guests joining mile-high club at Mach 1 sue for various injuriies, go back five spaces.
Start!
8 15 16
THE ENGAGEMENT 19
You are certainly entitled to use the standard old vows or whatever drivel your officiant has to offer.
the Vows
>> Because professing your eternal Take a moment to think about the possible rewards love for another of surprising your bride with a unique and creative expression of your love. Ponder the possibilities. She human being is might let you pick out paint for the bathroom or give quite possibly the you a say in when you’re having children. She might manliest thing even fall in love with you for real. Hey, the mere mention that you’re preparing a special marriage vow you can do. might get you a “cheap grab” on the spot. You never know until you try. We know that you are swamped and you don’t a have a spare second. Don’t fret your handsome little head. With our From-the-Heart-Vows (TM) Kit, you won’t need much time at all to write your bride the most personal wedding vows ever.
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 20
Hopefully you’re sure that the woman standing in front of you is the one you want to be stuck with, forever.
FROM-THE-HEART VOWS (TM) Fill in the following items, then plug them into the appropriate spaces in the marriage vow:
1._______________________ (your name)
I, (1)______________ take (2)______________ to be my
2._______________________ (bride’s name)
wife, knowing in my (3)______________ that you will be my
3._______________________ (name of an organ in the body) 4._______________________ (your favorite item of clothing) 5._______________________ (a protective sports item)
constant (4)______________, my faithful (5)______________ in life, and my one true (6)______________. On this special
6._______________________ (a sex toy)
day, I (7)______________ to you in the presence of God
7._______________________ (a bodily function—verb)
and all those (8)______________ in attendance that I will
8._______________________ (her favorite group of animals) 9._______________________ (a feminine hygiene product) 10.______________________ (her least favorite dessert item)
stay by your side as your faithful (9)______________, in sickness and in (10)______________, in joy and in I
promise
to
love
you
without
11.______________________ (her least favorite type of music)
(11)______________.
12.______________________ (an unusual emotion)
(12)______________, to honor (13)______________ you,
13.______________________ (a sexual action—verb)
to protect you from (14)______________, to comfort you in
14.______________________ (a living ex-president) 15.______________________ (her least favorite sitcom)
times of (15)______________, to grow with you in mind and
16.______________________ (an insecure area of her body)
(16)______________, and to cherish you for as long as we both
17.______________________ (an everyday activity—verb)
shall (17)______________.
PLANNING 21
CHAPTER FESTIVITIES ‘Til Death Do Us Party
3
the
Bachelor Party
Your bachelor party is the last splash in a hopefully, long and illustrious career of a champagne-filled, panty strewn, and prophylactic-laced bachelor lifestyle.
There comes a moment in every man’s life when he must venture out into the uncharted regions of the netherworld and discover the answers to life’s three unsolved questions: Why am I here? Where am I going? What’s the best way to remove a bra with your teeth? The proper forum for this existential soul-searching is, of course, the bachelor party.
Sadly, your fiancée will probably be less than excited about this prospect. It will be up to you to reassure her that this gathering is as natural as a circle of onlookers is after a successful high-rise suicide. This will not be easy, but with all you’ve had to endure in the name of wedding planning, you owe it to yourself to slip this one by her.
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 24
>> A time to throw caution and vomit to the wind and learn interesting new ways to serve a Ping-Pong ball.
PERFECT PRETENSE There are many different routes to choose when convincing your fiancée of the need for this bacchanalian feast. Here are several scripts to recite, for if one doesn’t work, move right into the next one, and the next one, and... The Bill Shakespeare “To me the only question that really lies before us is the age-old question....to tip or not to tip. Whether ‘tis nobler to kneel ‘neath a strumpet and giveth her a dollar bill, or sit handcuffed to a chair whilst a woman wearing a police uniform thrusts her feminine wiles in thine face. Get thee to a nunnery, I would tell any such tramp and that which would occur would be for naught.” The Mr. Nice Guy “Look, I owe this to my friends. They need this party. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even think of having a bachelor party. But that wouldn’t be right. All my friends are so jealous, I have got the most beautiful, perfect woman in the world and what do they have? Nothing. They need this ritual. And I say ritual in the truest, religious sense of the word. All a bachelor party is, is a way for my friends to mourn my loss from their world. Anything crazy that they have planned, they can be a part of. Me, I want to have a drink and a cigar and come right home to you. Hey, if it were up to me, you could even come to the party. Just a little steak, a bit of single-malt scotch. My mind is with you the whole time.”
This show ain’t free, pervert.
The Last Hope “Please, please. All the other guys got to have bachelor parties. Please, I will look dumb in front of all my friends. Pretty please. I’ll be your best friend. C’mon, you can go to Chippendales. I don’t care. Spread hot oil on some Fabio-looking guy named Thor, Please. I have been looking forward to this all my life. C’mon, you picked all the china and stuff.” FESTIVITIES 25
the
Wedding Day C
Your rental shoes are so tight your toes feel like they’re coming out of your ankles. Your cummerbund has such a vice grip on your midsection you feel like you need to go to the restroom every thirty seconds. Your shirt has too much starch in the collar, and you’re pretty sure that one of your cuff links has severed an artery in your wrist...smile! Yes, smile wide and with feeling, it’s time for an endless run of posed photographs. Let’s do one with you and your dad. Now, one with you and her dad. Hey, let’s try one with your dad and her dad and their dads, all drinking mugs of Dad’s Root Beer.
It will be the precise rip in time that she has been waiting for ever since the romantic synapses in her brain began to fire or she began to crawl, which ever came first.
The torture of this bulbflashing experience rivals anything witnessed since that love scene with Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, We have just two words of advice for you: Say cheese! Don’t make a fool of yourself just yet, and don’t make a fool of the photographer until after he’s given you the proofs. “Here comes the bride, all dressed in white.” Or so goes that classic by a long-dead composer who became a favorite of the Third Reich. Anyway, there’ll be a fateful moment when your bride will appear, veiled in a glow and a doily over her face. The graceful glide down the aisle, in front of a room full of loved ones, will be the realization of a dream for the soon-to-be Missus You.
THE GROOM’S SECRET HANDBOOK 26
Countdown >> You’d be better off dead if this gets screwed up at all.
If you’re a normal male of the human species, the ritual “giving away” of the bride from the father or father figure at the end of the processional might stimu-
late the jokester in you. Hold back, if you can. Try to digest the magnitude of that moment for your bride. Slapping your future father-in-law on the ass and saying “Thanks for the hand-off man. I’ll spike her when I get to the end zone,” will usually get you the business end of a cummerbund. Think of how long you’ll be standing in one place in front of so many people. The moment of truth has finally arrived. The sentiments you choose to express on this occasion are as permanent as that headless chicken tattoo you got tricked into getting at your bachelor party. If you verbalize anything but pure, earth-shattering love, your house will enjoy but one holiday a year—Doomsday. Through your haze, you remember that turning your back on your wife after having sex is a horrible thing to do. Either that or she dug her nails into your back. Hopefully you force yourself to embrace her. She’ll probably want to relive the wedding. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. It’ll be the feel-good night of the summer. Take a good look at your beautiful bride and remind yourself to stuff any of that lingering resentment deep, deep inside. Caress her and talk into the wee hours. FESTIVITIES 27