morte.co.uk Department of Homeland Security
Presented to Parliament by the Secretary of State of Homeland Security By Command of Her Majesty September 2011
Z1317
Leaked Online: UK defence White Paper By Roger Cooper A leaked government report reveals the Coalition is secretly planning to encourage families to fortify their own homes against the zombie threat. The white paper, written by the Department of Homeland Security, was seen by the Morte editorial staff and recommends that the plans could be framed as part of the Big Society initiative to avoid creating panic among a populace already shaken by the authorities’ struggle to contain
Libyan Zombie Man Hunt Continues Full Story P6
Big Society: Zombie defence starts at home says top M.P
Z-Rated - Mitigating the threat of Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome: A White Paper on Defending the United Kingdom from ANSD Carriers
G.A.R 1968
Dead Sand
Leaked paper reveals community led national Zombie defence scheme
the marauding undead. But the drastic measures contained in the report reveal the extent of the danger on our streets of the Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome (ANSD) outbreak. Communities must “play an active role in their immediate survival” by building networks of survival pods and escape routes at rooftop level, it says. The situation is so urgent that a new planning law - Planning Regulations (Approved Documents) Part Z - should be
introduced immediately to enable vulnerable communities to start fortification at once, the report adds. “With emergency services strained and mass treatment compromised by the ongoing economic downturn, you have got to look at how people and communities can work together to protect themselves,” a senior government source confirmed. “This is absolutely what the Big Society is all about: empowering communities and giving them the tools - and weapons - to do what’s best for them,” he added.
The government would not confirm whether it will be adopting the plans, but a Downing Street spokesman refused to rule it out, saying, “Of course, we are taking the Ataxic Satiety [sic] outbreak very seriously indeed and you can rest assured that all options are on the table.” For more details - and to see how the government’s drastic new plans might look on a street near yours, see our special report- turn to page P44 -45 > IEAK stock rises - Business, page > P58
Special Report - Centre Spread
Valid to 31st Dec 2011
CHOPP wood block Hardened finishing for meat, vegetables and ANSD carriers
STÖRR recycling bin Durable plastic bins coming in 3 colours
Enjoy a Störr or Chopp FREE with this voucher. See Page 47 Valid until December 31st One coupon per person. Offer subject to availability. Caution: Not 100% effective against ANSD carriers. IEAK is not responsible for any injuries or fatalities incurred using Störr or Chopp products.
Friday, September 30, 2011 z-life Special
The solution: Zombi ANSD defence is ‘good for economy’, insists Parliament
ANSD organic material is collected and recycled into Zyconol, a bio-diesel used for power
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By Jordan J. Lloyd Morte ANSD Correspondant Live together, or die alone - that’s the Coalition’s message, as detailed plans emerged that could transform our streets into zombie-proof fortresses within weeks. The plans contained in the white paper are so advanced we can bring you these detailed images of how they might look. Communities will be expected to club together to create rooftop networks of “survival pods” and escape routes in a dramatic leap forward in the Big Society concept. In a uniquely British twist, the survival pods may be flat-pack structures not all that dissimilar to a garden shed: the report reveals that the government has been working with home products giant IEAK to develop modules that could be attached to most terraced roofs. “We need these survival pods fast, and we need them to work. When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense to partner with someone of IEAK’s scale to make sure Britons get out of harm’s way and stay there,” a government source said. To ensure the survival pods can withstand the force, fury and lust for brains characteristic of ANSD sufferers, the report includes a draft code of safety regulations and recommended supplies. Whole streets will be encouraged to coordinate their defences, using IEAK’s new ‘Z-Rated’ products as an officially sanctioned threat mitigation strategy. The report calls for emergency planning laws, Planning Regulations Part Z, to be introduced by the Department of Communities with immediate effect so that communities can start fortifying at once. This follows horrendous scenes in major cities in recent weeks as gangs of those infected with ANSD rampaged through the streets, looting shops and killing innocent members of the public. Worries are growing about the government’s ability to sustain the high-alert dusk-till-dawn emergency services presence that has dealt with hundreds of ugly scenes in recent weeks.
Ground source heat pump goes into reverse cycle, frying the front lawn and zombies in it
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Detail: Part Z regulations at the top of the agenda as PM leaves Parliament Stocks of Alprozobam, which can ease the symptoms of the “zombie virus”, are running low, and amid reports of a high-level spat between the Treasury and the Department of Health over how further treatments will be funded, the Treasury has thrown its weight behind the report’s proposals. “We simply cannot afford to treat very many more cases as things stand, and that’s why it’s so crucial that we act now to prevent further infections at all costs,” a senior source said. To help families afford the pods, the report recommends tax breaks and subsidised loans through a dedicated ‘People’s Protection Fund’. These loans should “automatically be written off should the defences fail and homeowner mortality be compromised”, the report adds. Emergency measures that are widely expected to build on the report’s suggestions are due to be fast-tracked through Parliament later this week.
Helipad deployed for rapid armed forces counter assault or a last minute extraction point if compromised
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Houses are clearly numbered for visual recognition in the event of a zombie takeover
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Large 4000 ltr. tanks collect and store rainwater, which is then filtered for domestic consumption
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A zip wire allows residents to move to other streets quickly without having to go to ground level
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Network of resistance across the United Kingdom London
Tooting Target Area Safe Zone London - Armed forces and communities work together to take back streets - Isolated pockets of resistance connected by a decentalised network - Military uses zombie-proof neighbourhoods as base to for counter attacks across the country, communities carry on with life as normal
Safe Zones denote zombie-proof streets and neighbourhoods, from which armed forces launch counter attacks into Target Areas. Eventually, parts of the city will be ANSD free.
This Spread Our artists impression of a typical London street, based on the information in the white paper
Friday, September 30, 2011 z-life Special
ie-Proof your home 07 Rapid deployment and extraction of survival pods rely on coordination with air support, like this Chinook helicopter.
08 The all-in-one IEAK survival pod. See page 47 for more details on layout and purchasing
Mounted floodlights for surveillance at night with integrated transmission towers and zip wire access
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Emergency hatches located in survival pods to the roof.
When street is compromised, the street is flooded with an electric current passing through it
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The elevated wide street scape allows food growing and leisure to happen at a safe distance from the undead
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Trenches are lined with IEAK book cases filled with table legs, repurposed as spikes to impale zombies
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Friday, September 30, 2011 Science & Entertainment
We’re doomed:
Researchers at the University of Ottowa, Canada have successfully mathematically modeled the spread of the ANSD contagion. The outcome however isn’t good: the current outbreak is most likely ‘disastarous’ to the human race, according to the Infectious Disease Modelling Research Progress Journal; unless ‘extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead’.
zycoprotein: UK food manufactuer Quarn is set to make a new mushroom based food product grown from reconstituted ANSD organic substrate. Adding to its range of vegetarian friendly products, the zycoprotein was developed as a ‘sustainable’ drive from Quarn to produce a renewable food source. Not everyone is happy, with accusations of cannabilism, ‘it smacks of Soylent Green’, said one supicious member of the public. ANSD ANts: A new study by the University of London has shown that ants infected with ANSD have aggressively evolved into a ‘super colony hierarchy’. “This does not bode well for us, should ANSD humanoids become smarter”, admitted one of the researchers.
Cast of Guernsey Shore revived for new reality show A new spin-off series of the popular reality television show Guernsey Shore is under production. The new show titled ‘Desolate Shore’, is a direct sequel to the popular series which follows the lives of eight room mates living on the Guernsey coast in the Channel Islands. “We know our viewers were disappointed with the abrupt end to series 4 of Guernsey Shore due to the cast being infected with ANSD”, announced a spokesman for show producers NTV, “we couldn’t just pull the plug on our biggest show just because the cast techni-
By Jordan J. Lloyd cally died. We froze the entire cast whilst the crew relocated back to the now desolate Guernsey Shore”, he added. Fan favourites Nicola Pollizo and Michael ‘The Revivication’ Sorrenetti return, with NTV hoping that their ANSD condition will heighten the drama the show is famous for, as the roommates are let loose in a number of nightclubs and restaurants frequented by the last remaining survivors of humanity. Desolate Shore reviewed > P38
The Smiths (No. 32)
9750 new SÖMNN bedroom An all in one bedroom unit with emergency escape
Happy neighbours...
Shore to be a hit: Mike ‘The Revivication’ Sorronetti in a promotional advert for the new series Desolate Shore produced by NTV. Picture: Gatty
Friday, September 30, 2011 Science & Entertainment
Kill zombies, eat and sleep in the all-in-one survival pod
Z-Rated
Buying Guide
The following products are Z-Rated, sanctioned by the HM Government to be used as defence mechanisms against ANSD carriers.
How to plan, buy and put together our most popular civil defence rooms. Caution: Keep out reach of children
£58400
54490
BADRUM
KÖK
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
Bathroom ................ 405×150×350cm. Birch veneer 936.907.06 £10,950 Black-brown 600.717.86 £10,950 Oak veneer 100.666.45 £10,950 White 636.883.09 £10,250
Överleva Z-Pod complete system
SÖMNN
Kitchen .....................405×150×350cm. Birch veneer 936.907.07 £9,250 Black-brown 600.717.87 £9,250 Oak veneer 100.666.46 £9,250 White 636.883.10 £8,850
ÖPPNANDE
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
Bedroom .................. 405×150×350cm. Birch veneer 936.907.08 £10,550 Black-brown 600.717.88 £10,550 Oak veneer 100.666.47 £10,550 White 636.883.11 £9,750
ANSD Gaurantee
Expander ..................405×150×350cm. Birch veneer 936.907.09 £8,750 Black-brown 600.717.89 £8,750 Oak veneer 100.666.48 £8,750 White 636.883.12 £8,550
GATA
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
See ieak.com/ansd for details on our ANSD cover Roof ......................... 660×150×215cm. Birch veneer 936.907.10 £5,750 Black-brown 600.717.10 £5,750 Oak veneer 100.666.40 £5,750 White 636.883.13 £5,250
LUCK
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
GOLIAT
Width×Depth×Height (cm.)
Bookcase ..................... 80×28×106cm. Birch veneer 956.907.37 £95 Black-brown 787.756.87 £95 Oak veneer 434.323.89 £95 White 334.883.23 £95
The Browns (No. 33)
10250 new BADRUM bathroom Integrated lavatory, shower and wash basin
8850 new KÖK kitchen
...are the ones who work together.
Table Spike .........................Galvanized H99cm. 101.171.27 £6.50 H204cm. 301.171.26 £11
Ferguson: de Gea feeling ‘a little under the weather’
Zombie running sets sights on 2012 Olympics By Jordan J. Lloyd
UK Hunting Ban Lifted
The meteoric rise of the sport of zombie running reached a new landmark this morning, as the International Olympic Committee announced that it was considering it as an official Olympic sport beginning in the 2012 London Olympics. The sport itself is based on traditional track and field running events, such as the 100, 200 and 400 metre sprint, in addition to endurance based 10k and 26 mile marathon runs. Competitors begin in the same way as traditional running events, however, they are chased by ANSD humanoids who have been unleashed onto the runners by Olympic officials at the start of the race. “The IOC is committed to make zombie running a welcome addition to the Olympics, provided it meets our rigorous safety criteria”, an IOC spokesman confirmed. Despite overwhelming public support, some groups oppose the sport for ethical reasons. “Never mind the implications of allowing technically dead competitors into the Olympics”, said one critic, “the adrenaline rush runners get fleeing for their lives gives them an unfair advantage over traditional runners,” he added. Survival of the fittest: Running tips to help you go the distance > P64
Rural campaigners are rejoicing as Westminster amended the 2004 Hunting Act, which banned the ancient sport of fox hunting in the UK in February 2005. The change to the legislation reflects a pragmatic approach to the ANSD contagion, in which endangered foxes are substituted with ANSD humanoids instead. “It makes perfect sense,” said Major Henry West, a spokesman for the ANSD Hunting Association, “we rid the country of a parasite and preserve an integral part of British culture at the same time, what’s not to like about this arrangement?” Anti-hunting groups oppose the change, with one protester commenting, “it’s a barbaric sport. Zombies are people too.” Olympic hopefuls stave off imminent death in a practice run for 2012
Recently infected? Find safety. Write wills. Buy insurance. All in one app.
Insurance policies are subject to underwriting stipulations, and policy approval is contingent on all information provided during the underwriting process. In addition, suicide and arson provisions may apply. GPS locator and survival tips for information purposes only. All medical afflictions including ANSD infection should be consulted with your GP.
Picture: Gatty
Kill ‘Em All! > P66