Poet Jordan Volume 12 By Jordan Neininger poetjordan.co.uk
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Contents: Poem Title
Page
Spot
3
The Written Tale
4
Driving the open road
5
Journey to Smiles (Part 1)
6
Journey to Smiles (Part 2)
12
Flashback
16
Sitting in My Mind
17
One Day
18
Pretty Eyes
19
The Disease
20
You cannot see my tears
21
The Last Sunshine on Earth
22
Typo
23
Potential wasted
24
Our Past
25
I tried
26
I live in an area of heaven,
27
The Only Difference
28
Walk around the world
29
You Decide
30
I broke my heart
31
Stay away from the light of the window
32
The Bridge
33
Long Live
34
Silence
35
Except
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Spot It’s easier, To spot mistakes, Than it is To spot moments, Of pure genius.
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The Written Tale Have you ever written a tale, So long in the making, Waiting for it to happen, Taking every chance to make it happen, That tale you have put everything into, Every thought, Moment, Every tear drop, But one day the tale ends, Too soon, Never a chance to be read out, act out, Yet, You wonder how it would have been, The written tale, Will never be played out, To the audience that is life, The star of the tale that is you, Simply so sad, As I will never know how, How the tale would have ended, The one that took so long to write, Yet it will never be played out.
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Driving the open road Driving along the wide open road, Through the countryside, The sun has never been hotter this year, It’s only brief that the journey is, But the life it gives to me, Gives me the energy I need, I put my head near the window, Take in the view, As the wind blows in my face, I'm glad not to be driving, So I can take it every moment, Of the view ahead and around, The open road doesn't last long, The mind returns to normal ways, With only a brief moment, I had the chance to let go.
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Journey to Smiles (Part 1 of 2) It was a bright beautiful morning, I saw the sun rise as the plane flew into the sky ahead, The plane was quiet with only the rumble of the engine, I had already been travelling for what felt like a lifetime, However this was only the start of this journey, Here I am making my way to deliver a message, Everything for me is in the right place, right feelings, As we landed I was truly exhausted, Flying for me at the best of times was hard work, But to be on a plane for so long, I hope all of the effort would be worth it, I found my comfortable hotel to rest and recuperate, Time to gather my thoughts and write about my travels, Tomorrow would be another day travelling, but not as long as today, They say life is a journey, yet this was long enough, Refreshed and ready I started upon my travels, A bus journey lay ahead, But a chance to share thoughts with new people, New views on life to pass the time of the journey, After falling asleep, but more like dosing, I had arrived, late afternoon and the sun was bright, Even the air was warm, this felt so good, I dropped off my bags in my room at the hotel, A fine choice of venue and an excellent place to relax, After a long journey many details of my plan had skipped my mind, A quick check of the emails, and I remembered the plans, And even had a chance to check the date and time, From communication with my friend, I remembered the party, How I planned to make it in time for such an exciting event, After not knowing the exact area of the beach party I asked to where it was, I went for a walk and I was in paradise, The light sand and the sea gently lapping against the shore, The sun was just lowering and the fires were being lit, As I walked along I could hear the music, People laughing and chattering away, After a few friendly welcomes I stood and looked around, I paused for a moment, here I am after all the travelling, Page | 6
Then, I saw her from afar, she didn’t see me at first, With a flowing dress and a flower in her hair, I knew that every moment I had travelled would be worth it, I walked over and said her name, she turned, she gasped, Not the reaction I was expecting but here she was, We hugged like there was no tomorrow, it felt so good, I explained I’d travelled a long way to be here, But not why I had travelled all this way, She has a glint in her eye, but a look of worry and or confusion, We must have spoke nonstop for just over an hour, Mainly catching up on travels and life, It hadn't been that long since I saw her last, But too long in my view, I was introduced to her friends, One or two I vaguely knew of, I offered to get another drink to which she welcomed, She said it was great to see you, I returned the compliment, As I stood by the bar it was all smiles as I ordered and paid for the drinks, Refreshing were the drinks as much as it seeing her, I looked over to where we were sat and I could not believe my eyes, A man came over to her and kissed her right in front of me, Obviously they knew each other, I wanted to know who he was and why I hadn’t known of him, After almost dropping the drinks I walked back over, More flustered and hotter than before, I was introduced and almost reluctantly she said this was her boyfriend, How did she not mention this in previous communications? After a very short while the boyfriend walked away, kissing her cheek, And I think my face said it all, I was devastated, She told me a bit more about him, he seemed to make her happy, From that point on in the evening, I was quiet, shocked, uncomfortable, Towards the end of the evening I had to get away, I had smiled all I could to cover the heart ache / break, I walked to the sea shore and all I wanted to do was cry, By the shore I was near a small fire, it provided light for me to see, I heard footsteps in the sand, I turned and there she was, I did not know what to say, I just smiled through the pain I was feeling, She spoke and apologised for not telling me about him, Not that it should matter to her, it’s her life after all, no need to apologise, Time to make my excuses and get out of here for now, Page | 7
It was great to see her but this was not in the plan, As I started to walk she said the words I didn’t need to hear right now, She asked ‘why are you here?’, ‘why did you come all this way?’, All I could do was turn and stare, eventually smile, I made the excuse of I wanted to travel and see you in passing, She was clever, she knew I was not here just for that, And she was right, I had travelled and been through a lot to get here, For what I was about to say did not seem worth it, If I had known about him I would not be stood here now, I came here to see you, make sure that you were safe and well, That night before you left to travel I didn’t sleep a wink, it was a perfect night, I knew you were going your own way and you needed to travel, But not having you in my life everyday hurt more and more, Not that it matters but I love you and that is why I am stood here today, She looked at me and a tear fell from her eye, the flower remained in her hair, But I knew it was all in vein, she had moved on and I was just too late, The moments past and we just stood in silence, she said nothing back, I couldn't help but hug her, I felt she was in just as much pain as I, We spoke nervously for a few minutes and made light of the situation in small jokes, I stood in one of the most beautiful places I had ever been, Stood with the woman I had travelled around the world to see, Yet it wasn't to be, speechless I tell you, my heart destroyed, Her boyfriend came along and whisked her back to the party, I'm not sure how he did not notice that she had been crying, I suspect the darkness with little light from the fire was enough to hide the red eyes, Standing by myself at the edge of the water, I could not help but burst into tears, What was I meant to do now? All I could think of was walking into the sea, However I must get back home, for this journey has abruptly come to an end, The next morning I awoke with a fuzzy head, wishing everything was a dream, Then the sudden realisation that it was not and there was I, a long way from home, After feeling sorry for myself a little more I arose and got my stuff together, I walked down to the beach once more and it looked very different from last night, Another beautiful day, but I was just not here in mind, that was far away, Then I heard her voice, talking to her friends and she saw me look over, I could do without this, but I suppose it had to happen at some point, We looked as bad as each other, even not sure what to say, Her friends were close by so we couldn't speak of what happened last night, I felt I had to say sorry, but what for? Coming around the world to say I love you?
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I said I will be around for a few days but I could not be here much more, My plane home was then and I could only wish that it was today, In the mean time I didn't know where to go or what to do, this wasn't meant to be how it ended, A few days later, after filling my time by visiting the area, I took a lot in, enjoyed what I saw, However there was still only one thing on my mind, I had seen very little of her, I could not think of what to say or do, I had already said too much, It was the last night before I left for home, a long wait it has felt like to get to this point, In the grape vine I heard that there was another party down at the beach that night, I thought I might as well go, the final time to try and chill out before heading home, As I walked to the party all I could here in my mind was the ‘Foals - Bad Habit’, Life slowed down like in the movies, I walked in slow motion to the beach, Was I really here? Or was this just a dream ready for me to awake from? Suddenly I was interrupted from my late evening day dream, It was her, the one that I came all this way to see, She seemed upbeat and invited me over with all her friends, plus boyfriend of course, I could not say no, as I knew no one else here and it was not the time to start small talk, The drinks flowed and the small talk did occur, but I just couldn’t loosen up, For what I thought would happen, wasn’t going to happen at all, How could I be so sure of something and get it so wrong? The only answer here was for another cocktail – they tasted so good, Throughout the evening there was never a chance to talk to her, Either she was bound to him or talking to her friends, Perhaps the best way for me to stay out of the way, And sneak off once I feel the party has ended, I admired her from afar, but she looked over to me, smiled And we did talk, even laughed throughout the evening, once we had the chance, But the best way for me to leave, was early, A few drinks later I found a quiet spot, looked on, Took in everything but I knew now was the time to sneak away to my room, Get some sleep, ready for the journey home tomorrow, When I got up the next morning I felt quite refreshed, no hangover, ready for home, Last night when I got back to my room I wrote a letter, for her, for me to explain, I left it at the reception for her to read in her own time, I was up early and left early as well, but still had plenty of time before I was to leave, With the bag on my back I left the hotel, went to find somewhere else for food, Meanwhile back at the hotel, she had received the letter, she knew it was from me, She could tell by the writing on the front of the envelope, Page | 9
Luckily she was alone, but she went off to the beach and found a quiet spot, She opened the letter and it said: “Hey Smiles, It’s been a while since I have called you that! I write to you as I have no other idea of how to tell you why I came all this way to see you. The plan I thought of did not happen unfortunately. After that night together I was heartbroken that you had left to conquer the world. I have pondered what to do, what to say as you may never come back. Ever since I first saw you stand on the corner of the car park long ago, I knew that you were the one. I didn’t know how as then I did not know you as a person, some might even say that it was love at first sight. I appreciate that you have a life and feelings away from me, I just didn’t expect that I would make the brave choice to come around the world to see you. When I said I love you I meant it with all my heart, it has just taken me a while to come around to believing you would feel the same back. I have to be honest my heart was broken when I saw you with him, for it is not your fault, you are living your life, I just didn’t expect it so soon from when you left home. If I had the chance I would never let go of you, so I hope he makes you happy, and makes you smile to keep your nickname going. By the time you read this I will be heading for home, no final goodbye this time as I could not bare the thought of saying goodbye once more and maybe the final goodbye. I wish you well on your travels and stay safe. With all my heart I love you, please never forget that. Xxx” Letter read she wiped away the tears from her eyes, she knew there was more to this letter than what I had written, So basic was the letter it might not make sense to anyone else, but it was written for Smiles, not anyone else, To what she thought or felt I do not know, I was well on my way home now, I knew there wouldn’t be a scene like the films, running after me to the airport, catching me at the gate, Things like that just do not happen, and on this occasion I was right, but I did keep looking back, just in case, I boarded the plane after moping around the airport that felt like an eternity and off I went, The sunshine, beaches and short travels for me were all left behind, The one thing I could not leave behind was my broken heart, that was very much with me all the way home,
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I landed, I collected my bags and I went home. I had a few more days off to get over the jetlag, Think about what I had done. Think about where to go from here?
(To be continued‌)
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Journey to Smiles (Part 2 of 2) A week and a bit had passed and I had only received a brief message to say the letter had been read, And that she hoped I had a safe journey home, to which I hadn’t replied yet, I had seen photographs she was tagged in, yet she hadn’t written anything herself, I knew deep down I had to move on, make the most of life, but it will take time, I went back to my normal ways of life, working, working, working, Not a day went by without the thought of Smiles, I just hoped she was ok, After all we never really got to speak properly after I said what I did, Now I fear I have lost her as a friend if not more, The weekend arrived, and it was forecast to be a nice sunny one at that, I felt I needed a walk, the only thing at the moment that would clear my head, Although I could not help but check the status of Smiles, She hadn’t written anything for a long time, silent like there was no page to write on, I woke up on a bright Saturday morning, there was something in the air like no other weekend, I got in the car to get to the starting point for the walk, a simple walk through the woods, I had walked this way many times, a true classic of mine to get away for a while, As I arrived, parked in my usual place half way up the hill, I notice I had a voicemail but no signal to check who it was from, Even the number was an unknown one so I could not even call that back, Not that it mattered, probably some scam on the other end of the phone, As I started my walk I remembered when Smiles and I had come here, that was a good day, We use to talk about everything, but not always agreeing on what was right for the world, But this walk was to clear the mind, not reminisce of what had been, This is what it’s been like since I got back, every thought of her, every day just remembering, Fighting my own mind that it wasn’t to be, I was too late, time to focus on the future, The walk was refreshing, thoughts lost and views taken in from all around, Time to head back, get some food and meet with friends this evening, Friends had been supportive of what I had done, but still thought I was mad, Normality had kind of resumed, the day ahead to chill out, As I got in the car I placed my phone on the seat, set off and I was away, A few minutes into my journey my phone was alive with noise, I could not fathom what was going on, I never received many messages, However it had to wait, I was driving and this needed my concentration, From such a peaceful walk that madness that is the world is awaiting for me, I pulled into my drive and felt good but tired after the walk, It was a long one, the longest walk I’d completed in a while, I had even forgotten to look at my phone after it had made so much noise, Page | 12
After getting into the house I sat down and I looked at my phone, A couple of missed calls, a voicemail and a text, The missed call was from the number earlier, the text message from the same number, The text just said: “I’m back!” Doesn’t really help by just saying that, tired from my walk I could not think, Then my eyes lit up – is this who I think this is? Surely there would be more to the message if it was? I listened to the voicemail but it was just muffled noise and very brief at that, I jumped up with my heart beating, I called the number, no answer, I tried again but no answer, it must have been just under 3 hours since they called, The one time I go for a long walk and then something good happens! I must be making too much of this, it wasn’t going to be Smiles was it? I called the number again but there was nothing, was it just a wrong number? Do I call friends and ask them if they have heard anything? They would think I’m even more mad, All I have spoke of and moaned about is the fact I go on about her, Even having to tell myself to change the subject, I called the number again, my heart pounding I am hoping that whoever this is answers, Ring ring, ring ring, Click, they have answered, it seemed a while before anyone spoke, A female voice says “Hello you!” I say hi and say that it is me, I reply and ask if it’s Smiles, Of course it is you idiot, how would I not recognise that voice, To my delight it is her and I now feel like I am about to explode with joy, I ask to where she is? A moments silence which makes me worried, she sounds like she has tears in her eyes, Obviously I cannot hear the tears in her eyes, but the upset in her breathing, I worry she is in trouble, but even where she is I do not know! For I bombard her with more questions, to which I seem to be good at, are you ok? Then she replies, with a calmer voice and almost a sigh that she is saying these words for the final time, “I’m outside your front door”, Stunned in silence I look over towards the hallway door, although I cannot see the front door, I put the phone down, I don’t think I even hung up as I felt so much in shock, I walk through to the hallway, through the door and I look ahead, Through the glass of the door I see a shadow, I stop, I don’t believe that I am about to open the door to Smiles, What if this is all some sort of bad dream? I walk over to the door, open it and there she stands, Even with the flower in her hair, she’s here and she is back, Smiles! Page | 13
She was full of tears but so glad to see her, I asked rhetorically what are you doing here with a massive smile upon my face, She did not reply and just came over to me and hugged the life out of me, I hugged her back so hard I thought I was going to squeeze her too much, So many questions went through my head, where to start I would hopefully find a natural point, I held her hand and we went inside, I still couldn’t believe that she was here, but for how long? After making some drinks we sat down and I was just in awe of her being here, Smiles did what she does best, smile, and I can only say I was so glad to see it, Smiles started by saying she had come back for good, travelling was good but home was missed, When I arrived it surprised her and what I said to her flummoxed her a little, She had thought nonstop about what I had said to her, the look in her eye was sweet yet powerful, And that she felt awful when I had turned up with her boyfriend there and that she had not spoke of him, She went on to explain that they were in the early days of the relationship, That they hadn’t even spent the night together, albeit I didn’t need to know such details, How was she meant to know I would arrive to declare my love for her? What had happened in the past she thought was in the past, no time to dwell upon what was, If she had known what I felt back before leaving, it would have made her think twice about going, She knew I had strong feelings for her and deep down she felt the same, but something just never clicked, But she just never really knew, even after the perfect night before she left that it was her all along, I asked what made her come back, and to my surprise, she said it was me, alongside missing home, It sounded like she had been as down as I had since I left, Smiles never really stopped smiling, But when she did there was always something big behind it, And what had happened to her boyfriend abroad? Smiles said she parted ways with him as soon as she realised that she was coming home, And the fact that she had feelings for me, stronger than she ever thought they were, She said she had sent me an email before leaving but I had not received it, lost in cyberspace somewhere, It would have made me aware of what was about to happen, if not have sleepless nights waiting to see you, And would have saved the mass panic that was today, but yet it's all done now and the heart can calm down, Page | 14
After so much talking, I had to, I couldn’t wait any longer, I kissed her to make up for lost time, It was the best feeling I had for such a long time, We sat on the sofa some more, spoke of what had been happening here at home, Then slightly off topic she turned and told me that she loved me, wanted to be with me hand in hand, It was smiles all round, without knowing what lay ahead, I can only guess that every bit is positive from here, I had travelled so far to share my feelings although it turned out that these feelings turned to disappointment and driven me home, Never did I want Smiles to give up her travels for me, never did I want to hurt or see her unhappy, She just knew now what I felt for her, and luckily for me, it was returned, eventually! But now here I am, safe with Smiles, a moment I thought that would never happen, Here is the chance to show she means everything to me, For all the time in the world was worth waiting for this day to happen, To go to the edge of the Earth and back, I am here with her now. I hasten to think what I would have done if I had not have gone to all that trouble to tell her my message, What would life be like if I hadn't been on that journey, and why wait so long to decide to share my full feelings? Questions that I thought may never be answered, but to my relief they have been answered with my outrages actions, Just sometimes, sometimes risks pay off, risks from walking in the hills to find your muse, To travelling the world to share the love you hold in your heart with that one person, For I and Smiles it is a new beginning, to where will it take us?
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Flashback Flashback, To the time I first met you, Flashback, To when we first held hands, Flashback, To the moment I kissed you, Flashback, To the time when I knew I loved you, Flashback, To the better moments in life, Flashback, To the other day, Flashback, To moments gone into the memory.
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Sitting in My Mind You sit in my mind, Day in and day out, It wouldn’t be bad, If you said something, But you just sit there looking, Like you’re waiting for me, What do I need to do, To forget all about you, If you are waiting for me, To say something, You may have a long wait, I have already said so much, Now it’s time for you to talk, You can sit there all you like, Look like you know it all, Sitting in my mind, Here is reality, No one can see what I see, No one sees you sitting, You don’t even know, That you are there in my mind, Day in, day out, I try to say goodbye, But you’re always there.
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One Day One day, To finish off what we started, Let’s go through the whole process, From start to finish, Starting with meeting, To the day we part company, By growing old, And holding each other’s hands, One day, To go through what we were meant to, From the first kiss, Through to the first night together, And life beyond, Then the door can close, For good, On what was meant to happen, And not what occurred, One day, Changed the world, One day, Can bring closure to the mind, However this day will never arrive, Unfinished it shall remain, No closure on this door.
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Pretty Eyes The sun brings out the pretty eyes, They shine, they glisten in the light, How the world seems a happier place, The pretty eyes are out, Shining beauty from within, To let people see what’s inside, When the sun is out, Deeper is the colour of the eyes, The more beautiful they are, Deeply lost, I cannot look away, I rarely blink an eye, So much so, I am captured by what I see, The pretty eyes are always pretty, Just on a summers day, They are more alive than ever.
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The Disease The disease has spread to my heart, The unhappiness that I see, Of that I have felt on the surface, And to which I could only sympathise, Now that I am too close to you, The disease has spread out of control Deep below the skins surface, It now flows in my blood, Circulating the deepest unhappiness, From here spreading around the body, Eventually the disease spreads to my heart, From what I once saw with only my eyes, I now feel deep inside me eating me away, How do I cure such a deep disease? How do I reject the disease from me, Do I try to find the happiness, To sink into the surface, And fight the disease, Just like the way it entered me, All in know for now, Is that the disease has spread to my heart, And it’s eating me away bit by bit.
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You cannot see my tears You cannot see my tears, Invisible that they are, They fall on the inside, As hard as they would, If they were outside, You cannot see my tears, Because they have all dried up, I have no more tears left, As my heart has ran out, As I have cried so much, You cannot see my tears, Because they are not for you, They long for the lost love, For the times that should have been, You cannot see my tears, As the world does not need to see them, They are not for anyone to see, The tears that fall within me, Are for me, and me only.
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The Last Sunshine on Earth The sun went down, As I travelled along, Bright orange was the sky, With only the odd tree, Blocking the final glow of the day, However I could not help but think, Would this be, on this occasion, The last sunshine on Earth, As we do not know, What will happen tomorrow, If we will survive until the new break of dawn, The last sunshine on Earth, Has set for another day, Leaving the world and the mind, To keep thinking forward, And to see in the new break of dawn.
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Typo Gone off the world, Because it has so much shot in it, Gone off the world, Because it has so many evil duckers living in it, Gone off the world, Because it is not the world that i know.
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Potential wasted Giving a reaction would mean I care, Giving a **** would mean I care, How I can I care, When nothing is shown back, Not a glimmer of hope, Is see or even heard, Silent like the dead of night, No voice is heard or ever seen, I sit so tall and nothing is ever done, Potential wasted, And all I can do is sit back and hope.
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Our Past If we forget our past, We forget who we are, What was, Made us who we are, Forgetting it all, Would numb the world, But more so, Would numb us, Into being no one.
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I tried I tried to take away the pain, It did not help, I tried to help in any way, It did nothing to help, I tried to show I care, It meant nothing, I tried to give you hope, It gave you nothing, I tried everything I could, It was never right.
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I live in an area of heaven I live in an area of heaven, That only you know, You were the one that introduced me, And the only one to know where it is, I live in an area of heaven, Waiting for you to join me, I’d prefer to wait a very long time, But whenever the time comes, I am waiting here ready for you, I live in an area of heaven, That only you and I know of, That is why it’s so special, I live in an area of heaven, I have all the time in the world, To wait for you, So no need to rush to be with me.
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The Only Difference The only difference, Between living a life, And living a lie, Is an f.
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Walk around the world I walked around the world, So that I could kiss you, Forever wanting, To be with you, Returning from the walk, And seeing life has changed, Changed without me, My head dropped, My heart sank, It couldn't be anything else, Apart from the realisation, I'd walked a long way round, Each step meaning nothing, And everything was wasted, So how can I be, When I see you, Be happy, Be in awe once more, When I only hurt myself, With the thoughts that I have, And ones that I only ever shall read, I walked around the world, Or least it felt like so, To be nowhere.
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You Decide I tried to be me, But it didn’t really work, So I pretended, To be someone else instead, Yet that never worked either, So I live in limbo, Let you decide who I am.
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I broke my heart I broke my heart, Trying to show, What you meant to me, It was in pieces, As it laid on the floor, As silent as the voice it never heard, My heart shattered in silence, Without a soul knowing, I broke my heart, A very delicate heart, What it felt could not be held in, However what it reached out for, Was too far to capture, I broke my heart, And it can be no more, The silence is the biggest killer, The world is not big enough, To help heal this broken heart.
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Stay away from the light of the window Stay away from the light of the window, If it hurts the eyes, it will hurt the mind more, What you don’t understand is that the light should guide you, If too scared to step into the light, Close the curtains and block it all out, And hide away from the world we live, Stay away from the light of the window, As you may see what is out there, Ready to help you in any way, Be next to you when you need it most, If this is ever too much, Close the curtains and block it all out, See the world from a darker side, But not necessarily a better place, Stay away from the light of the window, It might get too bright, actually too bright, Too overwhelming for the eyes to see, What is actually out there, Who is there for you, And who is not, Stay away from the light of the window, The world is here if you want it.
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The Bridge The bridge, Over still flowing water, The water as unclear, As the memories, That the bridge crosses each day, The bridge, That divides me from you, Like one side of a river, To the other side, The bridge, That would connect us, Yet it’s never crossed, Never approached, The bridge, Will stand next to us, As we look across the river, Never knowing, Never crossing the bridge.
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Long live Long live the memories, Long live the hope, As that’s what they will always be.
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Silence Silence is the greatest killer of all, It makes no sound at all, It creeps up on you, But somehow you know it’s there, Some days I don’t want to talk at all, It won’t do me any good to speak, I have nothing to say, That will make this world a better place, But I will still say what’s felt, Silence is the greatest killer of all, Because I do not know where I stand, Look and ignore all you want, But there is no silence that will solve every problem, Silence is the greatest killer of all, So make some noise to raise our lives, Some days I don’t want to talk, But I have to, even if I want to stay silent, Silence will only ever enhance the pain, No silence will ever heal what has been said.
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Except I have everything, Everything, Except you.
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