The Angry Cripple
I have this family member - I won’t mention who, it really doesn’t matter - who really does not get that I am disabled, chronically ill, and live in constant pain. It really sucks when you have to advocate for yourself with your own family. Advocate isn’t a strong enough word. I have to be a total bitch to get what I need, and it is totally unnecessary. Family members are the people who are supposed to support you. I was recently told by this person that they didn’t know that they were supposed to be supportive and that I wanted support. WTF?! This is why I don’t mention when I am in excess pain because it gets swept under the rug, minimized, and turned into a competition. They always have something going on that they need to compare it to. While I am in enough pain I am on crutches and mention what is going on I have to listen to a list of their aches and pains. I mean, I get it. Pain sucks but this isn’t a fucking competition. I don’t see them having to get around on crutches or use a rollator or walker. U would love to have the “normal run of the mill arthritis” that most people get where it is mostly just their hands that bother them, but no. I got the bonus package with every joint in my body affected. Hands, feet, knees, hips, spine, shoulders, ribs. EVERYTHING. I also have fibromyalgia. I have bursitis in one of my knees, one of him hips, a shoulder, and a wrist, all caused by my body being out of alignment from scoliosis. Scoliosis causes pain, anyone that says otherwise is lying. All of this will put me in a wheelchair permanently one day. My doctor and I have had this conversation. I accept it. Not much I can do about it because it is all caused by crap genetics. But I am not allowed to be in pain, or show that I am in pain, by the way this family member acts. I have been told that my wheelchair takes up too much room in the car. I have been told that my mobility aids get in the way. When I bought my rollator, I was asked if I really needed it and was I using it for stairs. Am I using what amounts to a walk on wheels on stairs?! Yes, yes, I am because I live on the edge. Obviously, I do all my own stunts, even as a cripple. Yes, I use the word cripple but that won’t stop me from taking a swing at someone with one of my crutches if they want to throw it around as a slur. When I need my wheelchair, I am told that I am exaggerating things. I can’t actually be in that much pain. I need to stop being a baby. Never mind that my back has given up supporting my body for the day, or I can’t put any weight at all on one or both hips. My wheelchair is treated like a burden or embarrassment, or both, to them. One day I mentioned we needed to stop at the pharmacy on the way home, that I was out of my pain medication and needed to pick it up. We were literally going
right past there. I was told “I’m tired and want to go home.” We never stopped. After going most of the next day without my meds I was in so much pain that I was wishing for death and this family member didn’t understand why I was crying from pain and called them an insensitive asshole. This is the kind of shit that I put up with when I need help. I did not ask for my body to start failing me and honestly, I am tired of being treated like I have done this on purpose. This is the same person that treats me that I am completely incapable of doing anything at all. That’s not entirely true. I am incapable of doing anything I want to do, but if they deem something necessary, I can do it. I am expected to do it. So hypocritical. It pisses me off. If I ask for help, I am treated like I am an inconvenience or like I just don’t want to do something, that I am being lazy. Never mind the fact that if I stand up, I know some body part is going to totally give out and I am going to end up in a pile on the floor. I have never asked for pity or sympathy and this person has no idea what empathy is. I do occasionally ask for some emotional support or an extra hand. It is impossible to get one those things and the other only comes after I have been made to feel like shit and I lash out. It shouldn’t be this way. Every doctor appointment, every test, every surgery I have this family member finds a way to make everything about them. I swear they have raised this ability to an art form. I have no idea how having 5 vials of my blood drawn affects someone else, but somehow it does. I wonder what it feels like to think believe the entire world revolves around yourself. It is really hard to stay positive when surrounded with this kind of bullshit. It is hard not to be angry all the time. I internalize so much because it is easier than pointing out every single microaggression thrown at me. I need my energy for other things.