3. 7 A’s: STEPS TO A LOVING FAMILY RELATIONSHIP There are no guarantees to parenting. You can be the greatest father or the most nurturing mother in the world, study every parenting book, check off every principle, follow every list and apply every “tip”, but there are no guarantees that your child won’t grow up to walk away from you - or walk away from his or her faith, look you in the eyes and say, “I hate you”, get pregnant or get hooked on drugs. The most important things are not the parenting strategies you use, the way you teach truth or the guidance you give, but the context in which all these things are done. In loving relationships, and only within the context of loving relationships, will these principles and steps be able to take root. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Rules without relationship leads to provoking your child! Within the context of talking to your kids, especially about sexuality, if you don’t have a loving, intimate relationship with them, it will backfire. Likewise, truth without relationship leads to rejection. Research also agrees, “Adolescents who feel close to their parents may be more comfortable communicating with their parents about sex, may share or feel more influenced by their parents’ values, or may have a better understanding about their parents’ expectation regarding their teens sexual behaviors.”iii The truths of sexual morality are relational truths. We must teach them within the context of our own personal relationships with our children. Truth within the context of relationship guides a positive response, while rules without relationship guides rebellion, especially with sexuality. “The overwhelming majority of research studies indicates that parent/child closeness is associated with reduced teen pregnancy risk; teens who are close to their parents are more likely to remain sexually abstinent and postpone intercourse.iii This again shows us that it is relationship, not rules, no do’s and don’ts or graceless ultimatums, that allows a child’s heart to accept the truth and guidance we give. Think of these loving relationships as the fertile soil and water to the seeds of application. A loving relationship will overcome a child’s resistance to your guidance and instruction. A loving relationship will bring kids back when they stray.
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Recent research has also suggested that “negative adolescent behavior can be avoided through earlier childhood intervention by strengthening family relationships and promoting healthy family dynamics.”iv While it is preferable to build these close and healthy relationships with your children early on and help them avoid the wounds and scars of disobedience or poor choices, sometimes we don’t learn these truths until later in life. “Adolescents,” according to the Journal of the American Medical Association, “who feel close to their parents may be more comfortable communicating with their parents about sex, may share or feel more influenced by their parents’ values, or may have a better understanding about their parents’ expectation regarding their teens’ sexual behaviors.”10,11 10
Resnick MD, Bearman PS, Blum RW, Bauman KE, Harris KM, Jones J, et al., Protecting adolescents from harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, Jama: Journal of the American Medical Association, 1997, 278(10): 823-832. 11 Miller B. Families matter: A research synthesis of family influences on adolescent pregnancy. Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy, 1998.
(Erum Ikramullah, B.A./B.S., Jennifer Manlove, Ph.D., et. al., “Parents Matters: The Role of Parents in Teens’ Decisions About Sex, Child Trends, November 2009, http://www.childtrends.org/Files/Child_Trends-2009_11_11_RB_Parents&TeenSex.pdf)
For those of you on the other side of raising little ones and teenagers, I want to say it is never too late, no parent is too old, no child is too far gone, no relationship is too broken You can see the time redeemed, the heart renewed, the rebellious redeemed and the relationship restored. (The prodigal son was a grown man when he returned home. St. Augustine was in his 30’s when he received salvation after years of his mother praying for him.) “Recent research has also suggested that negative adolescent behavior can be avoided though earlier childhood intervention by strengthening family relationships and promoting healthy family dynamics.” Kumpfer KL, Alvarado R. Family-strengthening approaches for the prevention of youth problem behaviors. Am Psychol. 2003;58:457-465. (Laura Flynn McCarthy, “Pregnancy Test,” FamilyCircle.com, February, 2011, p62-66) By understanding and embracing the way Jesus Christ has loved us, we can in turn, love others without expectation. The goal is not to raise moral children that obey the rules and make our lives easier. The goal is to love as Christ has loved, and in that, we will fulfill the Great Commandment and the Great Commission. We are simply called to pour out what has been given to us through Christ, to die to ourselves, and to live compelled by the Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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love of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:14). While we are not the only influence on our children, we can be the most influential. As you walk along the journey of parenthood, your own childhood wounds will surface, your own sinful heart will be exposed, and the difficulties of living imperfectly in this fallen world will rise to the surface. Be encouraged. As you work through your own baggage, sin and pain, God is making a way for you to more fully receive His love and redemption, and to more freely love your children. Let us take a peek into how Christ has loved us and how we are called to love our kids. Why is it so important to build a loving relationship with our children, i.e. to love them the way Christ loves us? The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy after years of helping families deal with sexual issues concluded that “…teens who are close to their parents are more likely to remain sexually abstinent, postpone intercourse…” (“Teen Pregnancy Prevention: Dads Make a Difference,” The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, June 2004, http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/DadsMakeADifference.pdf)
Dottie: My husband Josh always says, “Rules without relationships lead to rebellion.” In other words, in the context of a loving and supportive relationship, rules will generally be far more effective and honored than in a relationship lacking in genuine affection and acceptance. Whether we are disciplining a small child or an adolescent, the foundation to be able to discipline effectively is directly related to the quality of the relationship that we have already established with that child. The responsibility, of course, of developing a positive relationship in the first place is squarely in the hands of the parent. In Ephesians 6:4 it says, “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger…” Rules without relationships leads to a child being provoked to anger. If you want to talk to your children about sexuality and you don’t have a loving intimate relationship with them, it will backfire and not have much of an impact. Children will do the opposite. The verse goes on to say “…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (NASB) This verse commands parents to instruct their children.
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Affirmation. In John 11, we read about the death of one of Jesus’ good friends Lazarus, the brother of Martha and Mary. Not only does Jesus grieve the loss of His friend, He also validates the grief of Martha and Mary by weeping with them. Look at this: When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. (John 11:33--‐35 ESV) In Genesis 21, Hagar identifies God as “The God Who Sees.” In the Psalms, David cries out to God, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.” (Psalm 56:8 ESV) This is how God affirms us… by acknowledging that He sees our grief and by weeping with us, and also by rejoicing over us (Zephaniah 3). How are we called to demonstrate this kind of affirmation that God gives to us? Romans 12:15 is set within a paragraph describing how love works, and this verse depicts how to affirm our children. It says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” (ESV) To affirm means to “validate or confirm”, and while we are not always going to understand the feelings of our children, we can still validate their feelings. The feelings of a child are simply an outpouring of their personal experience and their internal world. Feelings represent their reality, and when we seek to understand that reality, we build a bridge of communication. When we affirm the feelings of our young people, we give them a sense of authenticity. Affirming their feelings tells them they’re cherished individuals with valid feelings. When we identify with their excitement or disappointment, we let them know that we care and that they’re understood for who they really are. It is one of the most effective ways to identify with children, giving them a sense of being known and accepted. It is not always easy, however, to appreciate teenage emotions and to affirm what we see as silly or dramatic. The common and natural responses to dealing with the emotions of a young person can be more often barrier-builders rather than bridge-builders. There is often the temptation to try “to fix” whatever is causing their emotional turmoil with responses like, “There are three things you could have done...” or with the encouragement to suck it up, “Don’t let it get to you!” Sometimes parents resort to the blame game. “Your friend is just insecure, that’s why she talked about you behind your back!” And sometimes the guilt trip is used Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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with words like, “You should read this verse...”. Has anyone ever responded to you in one of these ways? How did it make you feel? Invalidated? Wrong? Guilty, like YOU are the problem? A turning point for me in learning affirmation was a conversation I had with my wife after one of her friends said something hurtful to her. My normal response would have been one of the four just mentioned, but for some reason, I responded with affirmation. I said, “I’m so sorry, Honey. That must have really hurt you. I’m really sad for you...” She responded in a way that completely surprised me! She threw her arms around me and said, “Thanks!” Wow! She never responded like that when I gave her a bible verse to think about or when I tried “to fix” her problem. At that point, I learned that living out Scripture far outweighs merely quoting Scripture. For some, it can be a real struggle to affirm our children. Why? Because many parents weren’t affirmed themselves as children and it feels uncomfortable and unnatural to try to affirm their own child. Recently Dottie talked to a very discouraged mother of a teenage boy. She shared that he had just gotten his drivers permit and was beginning to drive. She and her husband had taken him out practice driving and he did beautifully. This conscientious mom wanted to capture the moment to encourage her son so she said something like, "Great job! I'm proud of how carefully you're driving!" Then she nudged her husband to encourage him to say something positive, but he got angry at her, conveying that it is silly to say something that he felt was simply so obvious. This mom was very disheartened. She said he almost never affirms their son and spends a great amount of time in conflict with him, griping and emphasizing his faults and any mistakes, rather than praising him. She described her son as an excellent student, a leader in his youth group, and excellent in sports. She said he appears confident and outgoing to everyone else, but underneath she knows he is suffering because he is getting no affirmation from the most important man in his life — his dad. Dads, do you see that this father is missing the boat? Do you see that he is missing opportunities to encourage his son? I urge you not to make this same mistake. Choose to be a dad who looks for opportunities to affirm your children. It is a decision that will pay off for the rest of your life and for the lives of your children. Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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When it came to our kids’ grades, Dottie and I affirmed their strengths reflected in their report cards. Our oldest daughter Kelly was inspired by that kind of encouragement and affirmation. “It gave me confidence and eased my fear of failure. I always knew they would back me up and stand by me no matter how well I succeeded or how poorly I failed.” Our second daughter Katie and her husband are raising two little boys. Katie always anticipates encouragement when she calls Dottie for advice saying, “I can call my mom to tell her how I’m feeling, what I’m struggling with, and she responds with affirmation that I love my boys and am raising them well. Our youngest daughter Heather has the reputation in our family for being a little dramatic and very passionate, which she realizes, saying “It wasn’t until I went to college that my mom realized how quickly my emotions could switch. I could go from happy to sad to happy in about ten minutes. Although I now realize the emotional turmoil I put my mom through, I have a comfort and confidence that my mom is a consistent ally. I have someone in my life that feels my pain, and also someone that rejoices with me when I am excited. I have the confidence that my feelings are valid, even if they’re not always right on. I have been given the gift of the freedom to feel.” Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
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Acceptance. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. (John 1:12 ESV) Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us (Galatians 3:13), since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 5:1), and while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. We are reconciled to Christ. (Romans 5:6, 11 ESV) God has accepted us through Christ. There is no anger, no condemnation, no disappointment, no frustration, no irritation for those in Christ Jesus. We have been accepted (not based on anything we have done, but because of what Christ did on the cross) and so likewise, we get the joy of accepting others, especially our children. Romans 15:7 says, “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” (ESV) This verse is an address by Paul for the “strong” to accept the “weak” in the faith. How did God accept us through Christ? While we were sinners, while we were at our worst, while we were enemies with God, He sacrificed the ULTIMATE sacrifice, His son. Christ served those that betrayed Him, He loved to the end, and He gave His very life. We are called to accept our children when they are at their worst, when they betray us, when they use us and manipulate us. Think about the prodigal son. He disowned his father, wasted all of his inheritance, stained the family name, and yet he came back, because he knew the heart of his father, a heart that accepted beyond condition. My son Sean was on a baseball team when he was ten years old. The day before the first game, I took fifteen ice cream sundae coupons to the coach. I asked him to give the coupons to the kids after they lost their first game. I told the coach that my love and acceptance of my child is not based on him playing baseball and winning, but rather he is my son, created in the image of God with infinite value and dignity. While the coach looked at me like I was crazy, thinking he should give them to the kids after their first win, he did what I asked. The response from the kids was tremendous! A few of the boys thanked me for the ice cream sundaes and actually said these words, “Wow! It doesn’t matter to you if we win or lose, you love us anyway.” That is what I wanted to do with Kelly, Sean, Katie and Heather. George W. Bush once personally shared with me that he has never known a time in his life when he didn’t feel unconditionally loved by his father. He told me that his father’s steadfast love affected him greatly, giving him the freedom to Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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fail. Most kids don’t have that luxury. To them, failure means they will no longer be “accepted or loved.” This kind of acceptance gives the gift of security. After affirming my children, their choices, decisions, and unique talents, I follow up saying, “I love and accept you because you are my daughter/son, created in the image of God with infinite value, dignity, and worth. If you never made a good decision, if you got into drugs, got pregnant, failed out of school, etc., it would not affect my love and acceptance of you, because you are my daughter or because you are my son.” This gives children a phenomenal sense of security, and the more secure my children became with me, the more vulnerable and transparent they were with me. Liz DeCarlo, in the U.S. Catholic, explains that, “Dignity is learned when parents teach children to respect everybody else, not just because of their authority or power, but because other people have dignity, too, regardless of age or status.” She adds, “A child that is loved and respected will be better equipped to face good and bad times in different environments.”v Dottie grew up hearing these words from her parents, “There is nothing that you could ever do, NOTHING, that could cause us to stop loving you.” That is so powerful for a child. When she was 16 and had just gotten her driver’s license, she got in a car accident that totaled her car. Of all the things her dad could have said, he didn’t ask, “What in the world were you thinking?” or “Were you even watching the road?” He didn’t ask if the radio was on or if it was too loud. He also didn’t mention how expensive the car was or the quickly inclining insurance rates. The logical questions he could have probed and attacked her with never came up. He repeatedly told her how happy he was that she wasn’t hurt. This was a concrete and compassionate demonstration to Dottie of unconditional acceptance. Kelly asked me what would happen if she got pregnant before she was married. Heather’s birth mom gave birth to her when she was fifteen, so Heather expressed the same curiosity. I enjoyed responding to them with acceptance. I told them I would put my arm around them and say, “Well, Honey, we would figure it out as a family. We would love you just as much, and we would walk through it together.” Reflecting on these conversations, Katie said, “I knew if I made a bad decision one day, it wouldn’t change my relationship with my parents, and knowing that actually prevented me from Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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making mistakes.” Having this sense of security gives children the freedom to become who God has created them to be. Our first three children were valedictorians, and when Heather was in the 6th grade, she informed Dottie and me that she had no intention of being a valedictorian, as she had “other things to do with her life.” Heather told us later on that if we had responded to her by expecting her to study harder and had encouraged her to try to become a valedictorian, it would have really crushed her spirit. Heather remembers Dottie saying this to her, “That’s okay. You’re you, and you can accomplish whatever you want in life. You can be who you want to be.” She wasn’t valedictorian, but she said, “I know my parents are proud of me and proud of my interests and the different things I have pursued. Knowing that I had the freedom to be interested in so many different things confirmed that it was okay and even good to be me. I felt supported to pursue my dreams and encouraged to be who God created me to be.” Sean remembers our emphasis on acceptance, not performance, “My parents made a point to communicate that their acceptance of us was not based upon our performance. If I scored a goal in soccer, they would celebrate with me, but they would also tell me that if I never scored a goal again, they would love me just as much. The same went with grades. I knew if I failed out of school, their acceptance and love for me would not change.” Kids will rise to the level of their parents’ expectations, and they will live out the values their parents attribute to them. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.
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Appreciation. God visibly delighted in His son. Isaiah 42:1 says, “Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights.” God also delights in us, “He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because he delighted in me.” (Psalm 18:19 ESV) In the parable of the talents, a man entrusted his property to his servants. To the servant that was faithful, he replied, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:23 ESV) Just as God delights in the work of Christ, He also delights in our work done through Christ. As God appreciates and affirms work of His children, we are to appreciate and affirm the work of our children. In Matthew 3, we see an example of God’s delight in his son. As Jesus was raised from the water after His baptism, God spoke, “And behold, a voice from heaven said, ‘This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17 ESV) While acceptance is the foundation for a secure relationship, appreciation can be considered a cornerstone. Appreciation shows young people they are valued and that their accomplishments make a difference. When we express appreciation to our kids, we give them a sense of significance, the feeling or thought that they’ve done or said something worthwhile. Accepting young people tells them that their being matters; expressing appreciation to them says that their doing matters. Catch your children doing something right and show appreciation. I’m convinced that the more I caught my three daughters and son doing things well and expressed appreciation, the less likely there was an opportunity to catch them doing something wrong. Now, prior to learning and implementing this principle, I had been raising my children the way I thought the Bible taught, which was to catch my children when they were doing something wrong, then correct and discipline them. While this certainly needs to be done, it should be under the overall umbrella of catching them doing right things first. Again, it all comes back to a loving relationship. “Thank you Kelly for putting your clothes in the hamper. Your mom will appreciate that. “Sean, thanks for cleaning off the porch. I appreciate that. Now, would you do the other half?” “Katie, I so appreciate the effort you’ve put into your studies. I really appreciate that, and so does your mother.” Catch them doing things well, not only with their actions, but also in their attitude. Look for the situations where your child could have lost his cool Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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but didn’t. What a beautiful opportunity. Do you want to see that happen more often? Then, step in and express appreciation each time an opportunity presents itself! It has a profound impact on a child’s behavior, on anyone’s behavior! Even when your child might fail to meet their own expectations or even yours, you can still turn it into an opportunity to express appreciation for their effort, attitude, or what they learned through it. Our children cry out for expressions of love, appreciation and acceptance, not only when they make mistakes. “Pay attention to us before we get into trouble. Programs for teen moms and teen dads are great, but we all need encouragement, attention, and support. Reward us for doing the right thing- even when it seems like no big thing. Don’t shower us with attention only when there’s a baby involved.”vi Dottie gets to watch our grandchildren often, living so close to our kids in California. When our grandson, Scottie James was three years old, his parents had little Shauna. Like most preschoolers, he was a bit rough with his baby sister when he expressed affection towards her. When he hugged her, we’d wonder if she would make it out alive! Dottie saw the opportunity to show appreciation and pride when Scottie would express sincere tenderness towards his little sister. How much do we as adults enjoy heartfelt appreciation? Imagine how motivating it is to a three-year-old! So, whenever Scottie was tender to Baby Shauna, Dottie would show appreciation by saying something like, “Wow, Scottie! Grammy is SO-O-OO-O proud of how gentle you are with your baby sister! You are such a big boy and such a remarkable brother. I sure am proud of you!” Experience taught Dottie that even though it may take time, this expression of appreciation helps to motivate little people. Kelly has expressed the impact of appreciation from her parents, but even more so the appreciation Dottie and I showed to each other. “My parents made us feel appreciated by thanking us when we did something that was kind or helpful, but what was probably more impactful was how they showed appreciation to one another. They verbalized appreciation and modeled appreciation throughout their marriage.” Reflecting on appreciation, Katie said, “There is not one day in my life that I have not known my dad loves me and is proud of who I am, even when I was going through some pretty difficult seasons in my life. Every letter, every little note he sends me says two things: I love you, and I’m proud of Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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you. Hearing ‘I love you, and I’m proud of you’ for thirty-two years has had a powerful influence and lasting impact on my life.” Heather commented, “Your parents’ opinions of you can dramatically define your own opinion of yourself. Experiencing the appreciation of my parents has given me a confidence that I am valued and respected because of who I am.” Appreciation can go beyond behavior and chores. Sean has the following insight, “My mom left notes of encouragement in my lunch even throughout high school, just to let me know she appreciated me. Not only would my dad tell me how much he appreciated me taking out the trash, being kind to my sister or helping with dinner, he would also stop what he was doing, look me in the eyes, and say, ‘I appreciate you being my son.’” And behold, a voice from heaven said, ‘This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.
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Availability. Jesus invites us to come to Him, and we will find rest for our souls. (Matthew 11:28-30 ESV) He begs us to return to him when we have strayed, to return with all of our hearts. (Joel 2:12--‐14 ESV) Anyone who thirsts, anyone who has no money is welcomed to come to God to be filled. (Isaiah 55:1-3 ESV) Psalm 145:18 says, “The Lord is near to all who call on Him, yes, to all who call on Him in truth.” (ESV) God is constantly and always available, and not just available, but welcoming, inviting, even begging and persuading us to come home to Him, because He delights in us. Expressing affirmation, acceptance, and appreciation can only be done within the context of availability. It is important to value our time with our children. What does the Bible say about “TIME”? Psalm 39:4 says, “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. Let me tell you a true story: I remember when our daughter Kelly was a baby. She and I were on an airplane and we sat beside a lady who kept telling me to be sure I enjoyed my child. She mentioned several times throughout the flight how quickly time passes and how important it is “to enjoy your children.” Finally, near the end of the flight, a story she told me shed light on why she kept saying this. She explained that she had two sons very close in age. She described how wild and busy they both were and that they were “so messy.” She admitted that having things untidy drove her crazy, and secretly, she could hardly wait until they grew up and moved out, so her house could stay clean. Then she shared how they graduated together and moved out the same day. After they both left, she went upstairs to their room. It was finally clean! Everything was in place, but instead of elation, she looked at me with tears and sorrow in her eyes and described how she threw herself across their beds and sobbed. They were gone. Yes, the room was clean, but the reality that they had left hit her- and she was flooded with guilt, regret, and emptiness. Before we got off the plane, she urged me again to fiercely guard my time with my child, warning me how quickly time goes by. Time is something we all have, but we all spend it differently. Each one of us has 24 hours in a day, yet we all do different things with those 24 hours. Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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I want to tell you empathetically that there is nothing more important to your child than giving him or her your time and attention. The way kids spell LOVE is “T-I-M-E”. I’m on the other end of childrearing than most of you are. All our children are married, and we have five treasured grandchildren. The time with our four children at home went by much too quickly, but let me throw this out to you. Try to imagine how it will feel on the day your child moves out, or you drop him or her off at college and drive away. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your first child or your last. Their lives flash before you and you can hardly believe that the time has come when you must completely let go. I can tell you from first-hand experience (four different times) that it can be a painful moment for a parent. It marks the end of an era, and of course, the beginning of a new one! It’s the moment you have been preparing them for, for 18 years. When you get to that moment, don’t let it be a time of regret. Make the choice now to express delight to your child through the entire parenting process. I can guarantee that you’ll be glad you did. I think it’s important here to tell you what my mother always said. I can still hear her saying these words… “A person will parent the way he or she was parented unless that person is reprogrammed.” My mom is a perfect example of someone who was reprogrammed. Let me explain. You probably assume that my mom had an ideal, outstanding, and very nurturing and creative upbringing herself to have parented the way she did. That is the farthest thing from the truth. My mom’s mother died of pneumonia when my mom was only 6 months old. Although she had a father who loved her, he was unable to care for her, so my mom found herself growing up in an endless string of friends and relatives’ homes, boarding schools, summer camps and foster homes. To put it mildly, she was not nurtured nor did she grow up in a stable and loving environment. I believe it was my mom’s fierce determination to give her children what she did not have that caused her to be such an effective mom. My mom passed away in 1998, but the lesson from her life is this: regardless of how you have been raised, whether with tremendous role models and affectionate nurturing or with absolutely none, any parent can make the choice and commitment to delight in his or her children. Please. Let this be your legacy to your children… and to your grandchildren. Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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When we make ourselves available to our children, we give them a sense of importance in our lives. When we aren’t available, we are saying in essence, “Yes, I love you, but other things are ahead of you.” In Matthew, Jesus is traveling around doing some mighty works. He was praying over people, healing them, preaching the gospel, and turning water into wine. In the midst of this, He heard a commotion. He turned around, and there was a group of parents, probably mothers, trying to approach Jesus with their kids. They wanted Jesus to bless their children, and the disciples tried to turn them away. Jesus immediately corrected His disciples and said, “Let the little children come to me an do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 19:14 ESV) I cannot tell you how many times I (Josh) have forsaken my children. “Not now, Sean. I have a talk to prepare. We’ll talk later.” “Katie, I have an appointment downtown... we’ll need to talk after I’m done.” “Heather, maybe later, I need to pack for the airport.” “Kelly, I’m pretty exhausted right now, how about after dinner?” Every time I said things like that, I was communicating to my kids that they were not as important as whatever was on my agenda. It breaks my heart when I think about it now. According to Drs. Almeida, et al in the Journal of Marriage and Family, “The time a father spends with his children is important for at least three reasons. First, spending time together can best discover his child’s virtues and vices, hopes and fears, and aspirations and ideals by spending lots of time with his child. Second, a father who spends lots of time with his child tends to be better at caring. Time spent together makes a father more sensitive to his child’s needs for love, attention, direction, and discipline. And third, children often do see time as an indicator of a parent’s love for them.”vii It always impressed me that if the President of the United States could take time to be available to his child, then what excuses did I have? “I wish every child could have what John F. Kennedy Jr. had with his father. I remember in the days of black and white television, seeing President Kennedy with a foreign dignitary or head of state in the Oval Office, and little John-John would need his daddy’s attention. The president would stop everything, turn around, lean over, and pay attention to his son.” (Documentation?)
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Dottie helped me see that I was not available to our children. She told me something very profound that resonated deeply and caused me to weep. She said, “If you spend time with your children now, they will spend time with you later. If you love your children now, they will love you later. If you listen to your children now, they will talk to you later. If you talk to your children now, they will listen to you later. If you hug your children now, they will hug you later.” What wisdom! Being there when your kids need you not only tells them they are important, it also keeps you relationally connected to them. Dottie is acutely aware that “our kids want and need us to be available to them no matter what ages they are! They NEVER stop hoping that we will reach out to involve and include them in our ideas, our plans, our affection, or that we will be available to welcome their ideas, their plans, and their affection. It is a two way street, but should be initiated by us, the adults and the parents.” It’s also just not about being available when our kids are young. The Journal of the American Medical Association imparts that, “Among older students, more frequent parental presence in the home…” plays important in teen behavior.viii Dr. Resnick continued, “…time availability becomes critical… family connectedness and parental activities.”ix Despite some “expert advice”, availability to older children has a profound effect on them. Dottie has a particularly fond memory of making time for Heather at an important time in her life. One summer, Dottie was traveling extensively with me, and only had three days at home between several conferences. She had big plans for these short three days: run errands, do laundry, repack, get hair cut, go the doctor, the bank, etc. As soon as she got home, our daughter Heather called with the exciting news that she would be moving into her first house as a senior in college. She asked Dottie to help her move in, buy some furniture, and get her settled. Although Dottie had lists of errands to run and things to do, she realized that being with Heather was far more important. They went shopping at thrift stores to search for great deals, and found some furniture that they painted themselves! While Dottie’s clothes were not as organized as she anticipated and not all of her errands were done, she gained the precious memory of sharing the excitement of our daughter moving into her first house! Heather thanked Dottie and told her, “There is no one else in the world I would have rather Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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done this with than you!” In light of eternity, that was far more important and far more rewarding! Dr. Meg Wheeler, in her book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, explains the incredible impact a father can have on his daughter. “First, daughters who perceive that their fathers care a lot about them, who feel connected with their fathers, have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance use and unhealthy weight. Second, a daughter’s self-esteem is best predicted by her father’s physical affection. Third, girls with good fathers are less likely to flaunt themselves to seek male attention. Fourth, girls with involved fathers wait longer to initiate sex and have lower rates of teen pregnancy. Fifth, 76% of teen girls said that their fathers influenced their decision on whether they should become sexually active.” (Documentation?) While I traveled a great deal, Kelly remembers me being at more sporting events than other fathers, “He was more available than any other dad I met. If I called him, I knew he would answer and talk to me. If I ever told him I needed him at home, I knew he would cancel whatever he was doing, and he would fly home immediately.” Katie has similar memories of me being gone traveling but always available, “I have so many memories of my dad picking me up from school. Once, he picked me up in a horse-drawn carriage, and we got banana splits for lunch!” In high school, Heather spent about one hundred hours working on a film project for one of her art classes, and her teacher accidently erased the whole thing when he was helping her transfer it onto a DVD. When Heather got home from school, I was in a meeting with a large group of pastors from the community. Heather ran in, mid-speech, and collapsed onto my lap, “When I was six years old my dad told me I could come sit on his lap anytime, but being sixteen, I still took him up on the offer and I sat in his lap, in front of everyone, so frustrated and disappointed, and I cried as my dad held me and told me it was going to be okay. That made a huge impact on my life, and it has encouraged me to do the same thing for my kids, friends, and husband.”
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When Sean played basketball in high school, I missed very few of his games, “One time (thanks to Lufthansa Airlines) my dad flew all the way home from Russia, drove an hour and a half from the LAX airport, watched my game, gave me a hug, told me how proud he was of me, then immediately drove back to LAX for a red-eye back to Russia. I’m thankful and appreciative for his attentiveness, willingness and intentionality to be available to us as much as he could.” Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven. So, what is the connection between delighting in our children, spending time with them, and talking to them about sex? Good question. Here’s the bottom line. Parents, if we want our children to listen to us on this critical subject of sex, love, and relationships, or any subject for that matter, we have to earn that right! And, we earn that right by initiating, and aggressively and continuously pursuing a loving, trusting, patient, encouraging, and supportive relationship with our kids. If our children feel that we delight in them, then they are more likely to listen to what we say, more likely to stand up against peer pressure, and more likely to adopt our values and beliefs.
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy explains that when we spend time with our children it creates safety for more transparent communication. “Shared experiences build a ‘bank account’ of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with him about specific topics, including sexual behavior.”x If we want our children to take what we say seriously, time with our family should be at the top of our totem poles… Not “near” the top. Not in the middle. Not at the bottom. As Josh frequently says, “Our family should not come before our ministry. Our family IS our first ministry!” Please think about these things… and look at Psalm 37:23 which says, “The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives.” Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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Just as the Lord delights in the details of our lives, let us delight in the details of our children’s lives.
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Affection. Jesus displayed affection in a way that no one in His culture had displayed affection before. Jesus touched the leper, healed the bleeding woman, ate with the tax collectors and whores, associated with Samaritans and women (a custom not common in that culture), delighted in the poor, and broke bread with His disciples. His affection and interest in people was not conditional on their looks, their personality, behavior, prestige, wealth or decisions. He touched the unclean and delighted in sinners. Jesus came into our world in our bodily form, so he could relate to us and show affection towards us. Expressing affection to our kids through loving words and appropriate touch communicates that they’re worth loving. When we show affection to young people, we give them a sense of lovability. In John 15:12 Jesus says, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (ESV) Jesus was talking to his disciples here. How did he love them? Two chapters before, Jesus washes his disciples’ feet, a task reserved for servants. Towards the end of the chapter he says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for another.” (John 13:34--‐35 ESV) Every expression of care and closeness provides emotional reinforcement, helping kids to realize they’re loved. Affection can be expressed through words and appropriate physical contact. We can say “I love you” to our children in a variety of different ways. It has been my personal goal to express verbal affection to my kids ten times a day. Appropriate physical expression is conveyed through a hug, kiss, peck on the check, arm around the shoulder, embrace, or holding your child’s hand. Years ago, Dr. Paul Popenoe made an acute observation about our kids crying out for love, and every day I work with teenagers I’ve seen the reality of Popenoe’s observation intensified. “Many children don’t feel sure of their parents’ love. When several thousand high-school students were asked what single question each would like his parents to answer, half of them replied in one way or another that they wanted to know for sure that their parents loved them. Obviously, though most parents have no doubt about their love for their children, their actions don’t always show it. Fathers are the most frequent offenders. One reason is our taboo on men showing tenderness. Too often, otherwise admirable men can talk about love only Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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with cynicism or ridicule. They become uncomfortable if it is mentioned seriously and sympathetically. They may find it almost as hard to show love as to talk about it. There is no substitute for the direct expression of love. A child needs open expression of his parents’ approval.”xi A teenager expressed the need for the consistency of our relationship with them: “Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.”xii Affection speaks volumes to our children. Dottie’s mother had a way of verbally expressing affection to her that has affected how Dottie interacts with our children, “My mom was a genius at communicating affection to her children. She had so many creative ways to let us know how much she delighted in each one us. One very powerful thing that she always did was to warmly greet us every time we’d walk into her presence. It didn’t matter if we had been gone five hours or five minutes. The moment we’d walk in from being away from her, she’d grab that opportunity to communicate her delight in seeing us. She’d greet us with an enthusiastic hello, A BIG HUG, and she always expressed eagerness to listen to anything we had to say. What did this communicate to me? It was a very clear message that my mom was happy to just BE with me, and that she was eager to know what was important to me. This helped me to believe that I was lovable and treasured! Because of my mom’s example, I did the same thing with my children that she had done. It made perfect sense to me, because it had been modeled for me my entire life. I didn’t think too much about it until three or four years ago when one of our daughters was asked to introduce me at a speaking engagement I had. In the course of that introduction, she mentioned that every time she would come into a room where I was, I’d greet her enthusiastically and affectionately. She then shared how much that meant to her. I was grateful for my mother’s affectionate example to consistently communicate to her children how important we were to her, with words and hugs. Let me encourage you to do the same. Be yourself. Do it your own way, but look at each time your children appear as an opportunity to remind them how much they are cherished and adored by you. I don’t believe you can overdo this if it is done sincerely. Life is too short NOT to do this!”
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We are all created to find love and fulfillment in God as our Father. We, as parents, are called to model that love and point our children towards the ultimate Father that delights in them. If our children are not finding their love and security in God, they will seek out their peers to fill this natural void. “Often teens and adults mistake sex for intimacy. In their desire to feel closeness or to find an intimacy that may be lacking at home, teens may turn to sexual relationships to fill the void. When 17-year-old Elena’s parents were divorcing and she and her siblings were split between their parents, Elena turned to a series of sexual relationships to fill the void in her heart. ‘I had a couple of boyfriends I just clung to,’ Elena says, ‘They made me feel loved when everything was crazy at home.’”xiii Kelly remembers the ways Dottie and I showed affection while she was growing up, “My parents often showed affection to each other by putting their arms around each other or giving a kiss on the cheek. I could visibly see that they loved each other. They didn’t even have to use words. One time when I had just turned sixteen, my parents let me drive our whole family to the movies. My parents sat in the back seat and were kissing, even among our comments, “Gross!” “Eeeew!” I remember thinking, however, I can’t wait until my kids can drive, so I can sit in the back seat and kiss my husband!” Our family is so affectionate, and we still snuggle on the couch, hug, and hold hands. Katie has always enjoyed holding my hand in public. “Now that I’m older, I don’t remember a time when my dad ever thought, ‘Oh, they’re too big, I’m going to stop holding their hands when we walk down the street.’ I don’t think I’ll ever be too old to hold my dad’s hand, give him a hug, or give him a kiss on the cheek, and that is so comforting.” Even our son is affectionate and didn’t mind all the hugs! “There was no question when I got home from school or when I got up in the morning, that there were going to be hugs and kisses, time spent sitting on my dad’s lap and holding his hand. My parents were constantly showing affection, patting me on the back, giving me a hug, and holding my hand. One thing I specifically remember was my dad hugging me after my high school and college basketball games. I was all sweaty, but that didn’t stop him from giving me a huge hug and telling me how proud he was of me. Affection was the most important thing he could communicate to me.” This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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Approach. Jesus is the ULTIMATE example of approaching someone else’s world. “Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.” (Philippians 2:5--‐7 ESV) He put on flesh, left his heavenly throne, and entered into our brokenness, our fallen, dirty world to be with us, affirm us, accept us, and ultimately save us. Because Jesus has entered our world, we are able to enter into the world of others, especially into the worlds of our children. In the famous passage on love, Paul says, “It does not insist on its own way.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 ESV) When we step into our kids’ worlds, it shows them we care about what they care about. That is the cornerstone of a genuine, intimate and devoted relationship. When we approach our children’s world, we say to them, “I care about you and what you are interested in.” We need to find out what is significant to our kids, no matter how old they are, and dive into those interests with genuine enthusiasm. Naturally these areas changes with age. Think about these questions… Why do we expect our children to go where we want go, do what we want to do, eat at the restaurant we want to eat at, attend the activities that we choose, and watch the game we want to see? Our kids are human, too! It pays off big time when we give them opportunities to make some of those choices themselves. It conveys trust in them and shows we care about how they feel and what they want to do. When you step into your child’s world when they are young, they will step into your world when they are older. Approach your child’s world. I can’t tell you how many times I played Barbie with our youngest daughter. I got so upset when she and Ken divorced, and now she has a new boyfriend! I would love to go shopping for a new Barbie dress or Ken outfit and surprise Heather when I got home. We would sit on the floor together and give Barbie a makeover, laughing and talking. I don’t know how many times I read Spider Man and The Hulk to Sean! Whenever I was traveling for speaking engagements, I would find comic stores to see if I could pick up any Spidey books Sean didn’t have yet. I kept an updated list that I would show the sales clerk, and they would usually have three or four books on my list. I got so excited to surprise Sean when I got home from Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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my trip, and we would sit on the floor together and read and act out the newest adventure of his superheroes. When Sean was ten years old, he became very interested in cars. “Dad, that’s a Lamborghini! Dad, that’s a Ferrari, and there’s a Porsche!” I started thinking about some ways to enter Sean’s world as I recalled things I wish my dad had done with me. So, I got the Yellow Pages for Beverly Hills and found some of the most expensive car dealerships. I wrote all of them a letter telling them I was a desperate dad wanting to spend time with his kids. I asked if I brought Sean to their dealership, if they would take us for a test drive. I put in a response envelope, and every single one of them responded back to me! Now, I was honest in the letters about not having any intentions of buying a car, but that I was merely interested in building memories with my son. They still told me to come! So, we drove to Beverly Hills to test drive expensive cars for HOURS! We had a blast! My assistant drove us up there, so on the way back, I laid the seats down in our van and put down sleeping bags and pillows. We reflected over our day, the fun cars we had driven in, and I was able to engage in Sean’s interests and perspectives. In addition to reviewing each glorious moment of our car adventures, we discussed our family’s values, why Christ died for us, and the many temptations of materialism. As Dottie mentioned before, her mother often repeated a little quote with a profound message, “A person will raise his or her children the way he or she was raised, unless that person is reprogrammed.” My husband is a prime example of someone who had to be reprogrammed and end the pattern of dysfunction that he had been raised in. He was definitely not brought up in an encouraging environment where there were positive role models. When he became a dad, he had to start from scratch and learn how to relate to and encourage our children. Josh wanted to be an effective dad, and he was determined. He became a student of healthy families, watching the way dads that he respected would interact with their children, and he read book after book. He made a decision to listen to our kids, to observe what was important to them, and to jump into their worlds. I saw him go everywhere our kids were! For a dad who was on the road a great deal, he was the dad who came to their events more than ANY of the other dads who never even traveled at all. He pursued the things that captivated their hearts, whether it was basketball or any school sport, raising goats, youth group activities, collecting Star Wars Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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figures, tea parties, shopping, coloring, snowmobiling or jumping on beds, etc. He was there for our kids and let them know, in many creative ways, that he was interested in their worlds. One time Josh flew in from Europe and literally, the moment he got home, took Katie and several of her junior high friends to Disneyland. Another time, at their request, Josh let Kelly and her best friend design his hair any way they wanted and then took them out for dinner, showing off his wild and weird hairdo. That took real courage, but he became a hero to the girls! Another time, the very day that Heather’s dog died, he took her right out to get a new puppy. I’m so proud of Josh and the decisions he made, in spite of the fact that he never saw these things modeled. He put our kids before his work and before his own interests. It paid off in the lives of our children. He now has four children who adore him and would sacrifice for him. Fathers, have you made that decision with your children? It won’t be long before they’re gone and you can’t go back. You’ll always have work, but you won’t always have little people whom you can impact in a way that only you, as their dad, can. I hope you will give this serious thought and that you’ll make the same deliberate choice that my husband made. Our kids and I are sure grateful that he did. Kelly really liked science as a kid, and she was involved in gymnastics and many other activities. She can remember how her mother and I entered her world, “My parents would always come to the different events I was involved in and talk about them, encouraging me and rooting for me. They genuinely enjoyed being there with me! At one point, three of us were playing soccer, and all on different teams. There were often six games a week, and we had to drive about thirty minutes to each game and practice. I just can’t imagine how that could be fun as a mom, but every time we left for a game or practice my mom would say, “Yeah! We have soccer today. It’s going to be so fun! We’re going to cheer for you!” Katie has always been athletic and adventurous, so one of her favorite memories is of a particular snowboarding adventure we took… “When I was in early high school, I got really into snowboarding. We would go to Colorado during the winter, and one day, my dad took me out for hot chocolate, and then we showed up at this snowboard shop! He bought me my own snowboard and boots! He wanted to make sure everything was Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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right, that they fit, and had a cool design. We looked at every snowboard, every binding, and all the accessories. I had to have the boots that matched! Another surprise my dad had for me was getting the winner of the Snowboarding Championship of Colorado to teach me how to snowboard! A few days later, Heather and I went up the mountain on our own, and on one of our last runs, we were riding on the ski lift and saw my dad on the towrope! Our jaws dropped! My dad had never skied in his life, and he wanted to surprise us on the mountain and ski with us! That has always stuck with me, because I know he probably wasn’t at all exited about teaching himself to ski, but he knew it would be so fun for Heather and me.” Heather is very creative and artistic with diverse passions and interests. “I probably changed what I wanted to be a million times”, she said recently. “I fluctuated between wanting to be a veterinarian, an artist, a social worker, a teacher and a dancer. You name it… I wanted to be it! Every time I became enthusiastic about a potential career, my parents would get excited with me, and try to learn right alongside me. I doubt my mom had any interest in the different breeds of dogs I was learning about, but she got excited, because I was so excited about it. My dad bought me art books when I wanted to be an artist. He took me to local art shows, and my mom helped me find the best art supplies. They gave me the freedom to explore different opportunities to discover what and who I wanted to be.” Sean remembers, “My dad was incredibly thoughtful and intentional about finding what was important to me and either doing these things with me or finding ways for me to do them while I was on trips with him. He took me to the Final Four, we practiced my jump shots together, and he came to my basketball games. A lot of parents bring their kids along on their pursuits of what is important to them, but my dad found a way to do special things together that were important to me.” Love does not insist on its own way. After years of working with young people, The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy made an accurate and helpful observation that as parents, we desperately need to “Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about his hobbies; be enthusiastic about her achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.”xiv
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Accountability. We will all give an account to God. Paul says, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” (2 Corinthians 4:7 ESV) This life is not about us, but about the God who made us. Jesus gave his disciples the Great Commission and the Great Commandment (Matthew 28:18-20 and Matthew 22:34-40), which they are held accountable to fulfill. Look how David describes God’s boundaries, “I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!” (Psalm 119:32 ESV) As we seek to fulfill the Great Commission and the Great Commandment by disciplining our kids, we are pointing them towards their purpose on this earth as well. To connect relationally with our children, we need to show them affirmation, acceptance, appreciation, affection, availability, and a sincere enthusiasm to approach their world. Still, if we don’t balance these relational connecting points with loving limits and boundaries, young people won’t learn responsibility. When we provide loving accountability to our young people, we give them a sense of responsibility. So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. (Romans 14:12 ESV) Accountability provides the parameters within which a young person can operate safely and securely. Young people need the loving authority of parents and other caring adults, so they can learn to make responsible, right choices. Sadly, without parameters, there is only confusion and chaos. Whether we are disciplining a small child or an adolescent, the foundation to be able to discipline effectively is directly related to the quality of the relationship that we have already established with that child. The responsibility of developing a positive relationship in the first place is squarely in the hands of the parent. In the context of a loving and supportive relationship, rules will generally be far more effective and honored than in a relationship lacking in genuine affection and acceptance. The best way to prepare a child to give his or her own personal account to God is to hold them accountable now. As their earthly father, you are a living shadow to the greater reality of God as the ultimate, eternal father. Accountability gives children a sense of self-control, responsibility, and a feeling of being loved. Yet, if accountability is expected and/or demanded Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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by the parents, but the relationship is weak, it may only encourage kids to rebel. Our young people live in a world that offers innumerable opportunities for making choices that affect their future, whether positively or negatively. It is our responsibility as loving parents to help them make wise choices. The Date Safe Project recently states that, “Children love to be ‘heard.’ Ask questions, listen with an open mind, and then have positive discussions. When your child feels a special connection with you and understands ‘why’ you have such strong believes [rules], he or she is more likely to believe YOU over his or her friends. Plus, when a child understands the ‘why’ to not getting involved with certain behavior, he or she will have a real reason for saying ‘no’ to peer pressure (instead of simply saying ‘because my parents said so’). The child will WANT to say ‘no’ because he or she will believe that ‘no’ is the right answer!”xv Dottie discovered as a young teen that she would one day need to provide a system of accountability when she had teens of her own. “When I think about accountability, I am reminded of how we handled dating curfews with our youngest child. Our curfew time was based on a system of accountability. Here’s a little background. When I was a teenager and began dating, my parents wanted to communicate to me that they trusted me explicitly, so they gave me the privilege to come home from a date at a time I thought was reasonable. The only problem was my immaturity in handling certain situations. I barely had any experience dating, and I remember wishing for a curfew, so I could conveniently blame my parents if I wanted to go home! So, keeping that in mind, we involved Heather in the process of deciding her curfew. We would ask questions about the event, like if they planned to go out to eat, and asked her opinion on a fair curfew. If she knew she wasn’t going to make her curfew, she only had to call before that time and let us know, so we could readjust the expected arrival time. We thought this was a fair ‘give and take’, a situation where she had input, yet the final time was decided upon by us as a team. We believed it was an effective way to communicate our trust in her while also encouraging accountability.” Kelly remembers, “My parents made their expectations and boundaries very clear. If I followed those expectations, I was given a good amount of freedom. If I didn’t follow those expectations, there would be guidelines in place to make sure I was safe, and if I made poor decisions, they were Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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there to back me up and to also help me recognize what those bad decisions were.” Heather went through a difficult stretch in high school and reflects back on one difficult situation. “My parents held us accountable in a loving way that gave us the freedom to fail, but also challenged us to succeed. During my junior year of high school, I was miserably failing chemistry. I couldn’t figure it out no matter how much I studied. I remember my parents took me out to dinner, looked at my report card and asked, ‘What can we do for you? How can we help you?’ I was so discouraged thinking there was no way I would pass, but I asked for a tutor, and we set a goal for getting my grade up. My folks didn’t leave me to fend for myself. And happily, somehow I passed chemistry! They came alongside me and encouraged me, and I actually ended up enjoying it!” Although Sean struggled with understanding some of our boundaries, he now sees the consequences of living within that freedom. “When I think back on my friends whose parents didn’t give them boundaries and hold them accountable, I can see the consequences by the destructive choices they are making now. I can also see that they deeply longed for their parents to give them some kind of boundaries. While it was difficult to be told “no” at times in high school, I am grateful that those boundaries spared me from the harm I could have caused myself. As I matured throughout high school, some of those boundaries were slowly taken away, so I could start making decisions for myself. When I went to college, I knew how to handle my freedom responsibly. I had boundaries in school, in regards to the effort I would put into my studies, boundaries in terms of my attitudes, sexuality, etc., but these boundaries were strongly influenced by the love, affection, and appreciation my folks emphasized.” So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
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Conclusion How’s your relationship with your child? Which of the seven connecting points in this chapter seems mostly likely to help you? Choose one of the points, affirmation, acceptance, appreciation, affection, availability, approach, and accountability. Decide how you’ll spend half an hour out of the next twenty-four working on that aspect of your relationship. Here are some ideas to get you started: 1. Affirm your child by asking what the hardest thing he or she had to do last week was. Listen carefully, recognize and validate the feelings he or she expresses. 2. Accept your child by not mentioning something that usually irritates you… like a hairstyle, tone of voice, messy room, or an annoying habit. 3. Appreciate your child by noticing something he or she has done right in the last week. Recognize that achievement with a homemade certificate, a handwritten note, a balloon or a trophy from a party store. 4. Show affection to your child by expressing it verbally or physically a dozen times in the space of one hour. 5. Be available to your child by canceling something you enjoy regularly (watching your favorite TV show, working out, or getting coffee with a friend) and replace it with an activity your son or daughter likes (watching a video together, shooting hoops, having a tea party with stuffed animals). 6. Approach your child’s world by listening to some of his or her favorite music together. 7. Hold your child accountable by setting a deadline for a chore, and then help him or her meet it. Make a plan! Describe what you’ll do and when you’ll do it. Do you need to prepare? For instance, if you’re going to say something affectionate a dozen times in sixty minutes, you might want to list some ideas ahead of time. Also, consider coming up with a long-range plan! This is not a quick fix, but a never-ending adventure in learning to love your children effectively. Manuscripts\Talk to your kids…\Book and Chapters\3.7A’s
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A final note: “It’s never too late to improve a relationship with a child or teenager. Don’t underestimate the great need that children feel- at all ages- for a warm relationship with their parents and for their parents’ guidance, approval, and support.”xvi
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i
Resnick MD, Bearman PS, Blum RW, Bauman KE, Harris KM, Jones J, et al., Protecting adolescents from harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Healthy, Jama: Journal of the American Medical Association, 1997, 278(10): 823-832. ii
Miller B. Families matter: A research synthesis of family influences on adolescent pregnancy. Washington, DC: The National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy, 1998. iii
(“Teen Pregnancy Prevention: Dads Make a Difference,” The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, June 2004, http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/DadsMakeADifference.pdf) iv
Kumpfer KL, Alvarado R. Family-strengthening approaches for the prevention of youth problem behaviors. Am Psychol. 2003; 58: 457-465. (Laura Flynn McCarthy, “Pregnancy Test,” FamilyCircle.com, February, 2011, p62-66) v
Liz DeCarlo, “Intimate conversations: How to talk to your kids about sex,” U.S. Catholic, November 3, 2008, http://www.uscatholic,org/life/2008/07/intimate-conversations-how-talkyour-kids-about-sex vi
Talking Back, “The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy,” 2012, http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/parents/talking_back.aspx vii
Almeida, D.M., Wethington, E., & McDonald, D. A. (2001). Daily variation in paternal engagement and negative mood: Implications for emotionally supportive and conflictual interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63, 417-429; Coltrane, S. (1996). Family man: Fatherhood, housework, and gender equality. New York, NY: Oxford University Press; Snarey, J. (1993). How fathers care for the next generation: A four-decade study. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
(Jeffrey Rosenberg and W. Bradford Wilcox, “The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children,” U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 2006, http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/fatherhood.pdf viii
Michael D. Resnick, PhD et al…, “Protecting Adolescents from Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health,” JAMA, September 10, 1997- Vol 278, No 10, P829
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Michael D. Resnick, PhD et al…, “Protecting Adolescents from Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health,” JAMA, September 10, 1997- Vol 278, No 10, P830 x
“Ten Tips for Parents: To Help Their Children Avoid Teen Pregnancy,” The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, Date accessed: Feb 6, 2012, http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/toTips.aspx xi
Paul Popenoe, Sc.D., “Do Your Children Know You Love Them?” Parents Magazine & Better Housemaking, December 1965, Volume 40, pp43-45 xii
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, “Ten Tips for Parents,” http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/parents/ten_tips.aspx xiii
Liz DeCarlo, “Intimate conversations: How to talk to your kids about sex,” U.S. Catholic, November 3, 2008, http://www.uscatholic,org/life/2008/07/intimate-conversations-how-talkyour-kids-about-sex
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“Ten Tips for Parents: To Help Their Children Avoid Teen Pregnancy,” The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, Date accessed: Feb 6, 2012, http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/toTips.aspx xv
Mike Domitrz, “May I Kiss You? Do Your Kids Ask?” The Date Safe Project, Inc., 20032008, http://www.canikissyou.com/resources/articles_parents_talking_teenagers_dating_respect_rape_i ntimacy_kids.htm xvi
“Ten Tips for Parents: To Help Their Children Avoid Teen Pregnancy,” The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, Date accessed: Feb 6, 2012, http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/toTips.aspx
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