an interview with the
love doctor
When I was a kid, I was convinced that at 26 I would be married to my first love with whom I would share a colourful home, divine children and live happily ever after. By Looking at my parents and their entourage, I was assured that as an adult you would automatically find the perfect soulmate and that every love story would have exactly the same structure:
though, after observing friends and people from my surrounding, that I was not the only one feeling that loss. Cumulating experiences might be the new trend, and the idea of love, relationships and happiness might have changed a lot from the past. What is going to be the future of relationships? What are we looking for now? And why are we scared of being devoted to someone?
-Love -Marriage -Children -Happiness
On the 7th of March 2013, I interviewed Inge van de Vorst , also called the “Love Doctor” an open-minded love consultant currently living in Eindhoven. Since 2010, The Love Doctor consults people dealing with emotional issues at different places and events such as “House of Glass 2010” in Eindhoven and “ deBeschaving music festival” in Utrecht. Her concept is simple: She generates personal recipes for her clients concerned with various problems as a mother would usually do if her child was ill. Because of her understanding of relationships and knowledge of different cases, I thought she would be the perfect person to get to know more about the meaning and future of love .
I thought that everybody would reach this goal by growing up and I was excited to become a grown up to find my exclusive man. I am now 20 years old and I can now observe that my perception of love was either a “huge santa claus like” lie, or a notion from another planet which i am not a citizen of.
I have been involved in various adventures since I was 16 as a lot of people from my generation do: A couple of long distance relationships, a great amount of one night stands, a few beneficial “The Love Doctor consults people friendships, and some dealing with emotional issues beautiful stories without any ending or any clue at different places and events such as “House of Glass 2010” what they were about.
in Eindhoven and “ deBeschaving
At the end of the day music festival” in Utrecht.” I have never experienced a proper relationship or an intimate connection which would last more than 5 months as I have always wished for. It was actually really frustrating for a while and I was asking myself if I was actually meant for a relationship and allowed to be in one. I realized
Kim Hou: Is there a specific age group of people that come to see you or does it really vary?
they would be able to be sexually active with that person or at that place at that time.
Love Doctor: I receive people from all ages, from young teenagers to edelery people with any kind of sexual preferences.
K.H: Do you think the freedom of having sex has changed a lot from 10 years ago?
L.D: Well Sex has always been universally wanted but then not always approved. When i was 22 I went to the South of France for L.D: A Lot of People, especially a summer and all of my new group young men in their 20s-30s, come of french friends were getting to see me because they are in lack together without caring if they were of Love: they are looking for a in couple or not. They were just relationship but enjoying what they were have no clue having. It was really “A few days ago one of my where they can consultants who was 68 and who shocking for me and find it. just started a new relationship because my parents were really strict when i told me that she was craving for K.H: Do you see was little and it made more sex.” any similarities me paranoid of what sex between the could bring me, seeing different generations? people naked, what sexual diseases I could get through it, and it really L.D: The biggest similarity I can made me feel uncomfortable in front perceive is that people from any of them who were at their young generation are in demand of more age so open minded and experienced sexual experiences. A few days already. However I have a daughter ago one of my consultants who who is now 13, and in comparison to was 68 and who just started a new me, she is already so exposed of relationship told me that she was seeing the naked body in the media, craving for more sex. It is a really that the idea of sex as a taboo is positive confession about people’s almost non existent. Today we can contemporary mind actually: A lot of have access to sex by just one click people always used to perceive sex but however it can also devalue as an act you would be able to enjoy what sex can be: the porn industry only during your youthful years, but is so prominent now that the young now people are ready to get intimate generation is trying to reproduce at all ages and feel free to act at what they are seeing on screens or anytime. However it can also lead what they hear actors do. Media are to some extreme, I believe that sex building up a new identity around is still nice when you share an the word sex which influences us to intimate moment with a beloved one act this way and to think the same and now people take sex so casually way. that they would have sex in public Media promotes some ways of living spaces with anyone. I was really and ways of being which makes us shocked but when i was working want to have the same life as the at “deBeschaving music festival” people on screens. in Utrecht, teens were getting really physically sensual between K.H: Should Sex be meant for each other even if they never met Relationship? before, and a couple was having sex outside, behind my tent. People L.D: I believe that anyone has the are so curious of putting themselves right to experiment. Sex is about in any situation. It’s kind of a sharing a moment with someone but competition that they are playing it does not mean that it has to be with themselves to see if acted only with a boyfriend/ K.H: What’s the case you see the most at the moment?
girlfriend. People are so confronted to others today, that we are seducing more than in the past. Our own Social Circle continues growing, by being able to keep up with people from the past and constantly meet new people that it becomes almost impossible to be only driven by one person. However it becomes really easy to have sex but hard to talk about feelings when it comes to becoming more emotionally intimate.
involved in intimate relationships could endure the pain more than people who were not involved in any. This study showed that people in general are in need of comfort and can’t handle being isolated. K.H: Have you ever received asexual clients ? People who are not in need of being involved in any kind of sexual relationship?
L.D:Not really, but I can tell that at some point in my life, I did not want to be involved in anything. K.H: What would be the definition of I wanted to satisfy myself with Relationships today? other goods than sex and intimate relationship. I guess asexuality L.D: A relationship is a connection only concerns one period of your to each other. It encompasses all life where you want to experience sorts of relationships and is the new contentment. Wanting to feel tool which helps us to interact. important to someone is something But then you have an intimate human though, and this feeling relationship which is also a always comes back in a way. connection but which is about I was confronted with people who sharing and being able to be never had any sexual or intimate exclusive, showing yourself in relationship though. Most of the all of your aspects from your bad time, they weren’t missing sex since to your good and being able to they did know what it felt like. accept them or be accepted. I think What they were probably missing was a healthy intimate relationship affection which made them sometimes is also about feeling protected unconfident. and secure of not being cheated A few years ago, a 50 year old woman on but also being able to help no came to see me and she just started matter what, even if you discover being involved in an intimate through it a side of yourself you relationship which was actually never wanted to know or never heard the first one she had ever had. about before being involved in that She told me that when she was in connection. High School , she was K.H: Do you “I guess asexuality only concerns always bullied by her classmates which made think we are one period of your life where her lose her self looking for a you want to experience new -confidence and the kind of parental contentment. Wanting to feel state of feeling safe security through it? important to someone is something around others. She human though and this feeling always felt excluded from the society, L.D: As human always comes back in a way.” and adventuring what beings we exist a relationship was through the eyes about really rebuilt her selfof others and we have this need of confidence. There are so many people being connected to each other to who feel alone today when we need to feel more secure about ourselves. feel connected. In Holland, we are We rebuild a sort of family through dealing with a huge amount of old the close contact we have with each people, feeling completely excluded other. There was a study which from the current society. If their has been made by Helen Fischer, an would be more interactions between Anthropologist and she did a brain the different generations people scan by analyzing different people would be more satisfied and not feel with pain. Through this study she realized that people
guilty to be around others. We could actually learn from each other and our different life experiences. Be more tolerant and close to people. K.H: How do you perceive the future of intimate relationship? L.D: It’s hard to predict the future, but i would say that what we really need is to feel connected from each other more than ever. It’s becoming harder and harder to be involved in a relationship: We are constantly on the go today and as i said before we are constantly meeting new and old people: at work, at events, on internet, we have so many options “we have so many options for for ourselves compared to ourselves compared to the past, the past, and and technology and time really technology and made us more individualist” time really made us more individualist. We can live by ourselves but we will never be totally satisfied if we don’t interact with others, if we can’t feel close to a person or a group. A lot of people have less ambition to build a family today, but more to be active work wise . I guess the intimate relationship which works perfectly today are couples working together: they have to share and make compromises for everything: worklife, daily-life,love life. They have a common goal together and can’t reach it without one helping the other.