CYBERBULLYING “STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES, BUT TEXTS WILL REALLY HURT ME” Article examining up to date advice on dealing with and preventing Cyberbullying. August 2011 @copyright Julia O’Shaughnessy
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STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT TEXTS CA School’s out for summer and youth’s are taking the media by storm with increasing aggressive and criminal and behaviour. We examine one area also on the increase, Cyberbullying. Cyberbullying has been defined as using electronic communication to harass or bully someone. Using email, voicemail, text, instant messages,
blogs and social networking sites.
Only 1 in 10 tell their parents when cyber bullying occurs . We spoke to various cyberbullying experts to ascertain the Over half of adolescents best way to bully-proof your have been bullied online. child online. Dr Claudio Cerullo is an antibullying expert and speaker. threatened She says, “Cyber bullying can be very damaging to adolescents and teens. It can lead to Only half of them tell the anxiety, depression, and even parents suicide. Also, once things are circulated on the Internet, they may never disappear, resurfac-
1 in 3 have been
Tom Jacobs, author of ‘Teen Cyberbullying Investigated a retired juvenile judge said, “Everything from hurt feelings to emotional abuse, isolation, depression and humiliation can result from posts on Facebook”.
AN REALLY HURT ME ing at later times to renew the pain of cyber bullying. Social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace, You Tube and Bebo are usually free to join and tend to attract large numbers of young users. The minimum age limit is 13, however much younger users are still signing up. Jeff Fox, Technology Editor at Consumer Reports said, “A million kids were bullied on Facebook in the last year”.
Formspring is the latest site to take off, where users can ask each other questions openly or anonymously. Anti-bullying charities here and in the U.S.A. are very concerned about how the site is being used. Talia, a teenager from Exeter signed up to the service, but within minutes of using the site was sent a message telling her to, ‘Kill yourself!’. Talia told her parents. They reported the offensive comments, blocked the user and continue to monitor Talia’s online activity. The site has received further criticism this year when, 15 year old, Natasha MacBryde took her own life. Her parents feel cruel comments sent to their daughter were a ‘significant contributor’ to events leading to her suicide. Too often the victims direct their pain inwards rather than
at the bully. Alexis Pilkington, 17, also committed suicide in March after receiving messages on the same site. Formspring was started in 2009 and has 25million users around the world. Previously, when children and teenagers were at home parents knew they were safe from outsider bullying. Cyberbullying exists in the virtual world.
Children and teen’s are potentially exposed 24/7, whenever they are us-
ing communicative technology; mobiles, texts, videos, chat rooms, instant messaging, emails and social networking sites. Deputy CEO of Beatbully, Richard Piggin says, “There is an added danger, as people act in a way online that they never would if they met in person”. The world wide web often brings in a larger, mostly unknown audience and used as an outlet to post embarrassing video’s and photo’s of an already existing issue. Twelve year old bully boy
Richard Gale rose to international fame when his attempts to video his assault on, sixteen year old, Casey Heynes went viral. It all backfired
when Casey chose that day to fight back. After being repeatedly punched in the chest and face without retaliation Casey Heynes, who had considered suicide after three years of bullying, finally snapped. Over three million people have viewed the moment Casey picked up his bully and smashed him to the concrete floor on You Tube. A special fan page has been set up on facebook with over 35,000 fans. Since this incident, the bully, Richard Gale has turned into the bullied having received anonymous threats and unwanted media attention.
The parents of both the children are both left extremely upset and worried about the welfare of their children. The irony of the story is, that both Richard and Casey have been bullied at school for many years. What’s the answer? Although the ‘sticks and stones’ appear different from years gone by, the causes of bullying are still the same. Remembering it’s an old problem with a new face will help parents who feel out of their depth with technology.
In short, there appears to be three areas to concentrate on, your child, their use of and access to technology.
Recent statistics from the iSafe Foundation show that ‘Well over half of young people do not tell their parents when cyber bullying occurs’. The first step may to establish, ‘Is there a problem?’ Dr Breckwoldt is a member of the Cyberbullying Sub-committee of the New Jersey Psychological Association. She points out,
“Many parents say ‘I didn’t know! What are the signs of a bullied child?’ There are six key signs:
•The child isolates his/herself or is uncharacteristically quiet/ withdrawn. •A loss of interest or initiative in pursuing activities that have typically been gratifying. •School refusal, complaints of stomach aches and general malaise
•Appears fearful, timid, quick to startle or easily brought to tears. •Engages more frequently in acting out behaviour. Eg. May suddenly bully a younger sibling or be cruel to a the family pet. •Nightmares, emotional volatility. Once the parent suspects a problem Dr Breckwoldt says, “The most important message for the child must be that the child is safe and protected by the parent(s) and that support will be provided unconditionally. She recommends: •Sit your child down and open up the lines of communication in a clear, direct, calm and soothing manner. •If the child is unable to put his/
her feelings into words begin by suggesting simple scenario’s they can easily identify with “Sometimes when I am sad about something I don’t feel like calling my friends or playing sports. I just want to be myself to sort things out. But, I know that a hug and a good talk about what’s bothering me can help me start to feel better…” •The parent can ask questions: ‘Did something happen between you and a friend? Did something happen at school that upset you? Whatever it is I would like to talk to you about it and help you to sort it out’.
Talk about strategies to cope with difficult feelings: Say, ‘Listening to my favourite music helps to soothe me when I am worried’. Or, ‘Drawing or writing out my feelings often helps me to understand better what I am dealing with’. The parent could suggest an interactive strategy like putting on a puppet show to deal with the source of emotional turmoil and conflict. Persona Doll Training offer services to schools and parents. Further information and services can be found at www.persona-doll-training.org
Bully Proof your child. Online magazine BullyProof recommends children/teen’s be exposed to a certain amount of bullying. To build resilience and empower the child when confronted with difficult situations online. Izzy Kalman a School Psychologist, says, ‘Treat your enemies like friends, the way you would want to be treated’. He also says it’s harder for a victim if they feel the bully
‘has no right to say that!’
It is a key stage to address. Reminding the child or teen the bully has a right to ‘freedom of speech’ and encouraging them to respond to bullying with,
‘You have the right to say what you want, it’s perfectly ok’ is working surprisingly
well in schools across the U.S.A. When a child is called a name, ask them if they honestly
believe they are a “……”. When the child says ‘No’, say ‘Great, I don’t believe it either’. If the name is true, responding with, ‘That’s not polite to point out’ and ignoring all further insults is recommended. If the child is young or can’t remember a longer saying, try ‘Whatever!’ It has proved to work equally well. Internationally acclaimed therapist, author and public speaker, Father Anthony De Mello says, “No one has the power to hurt you. It’s your programming that tells you to automatically react negatively when someone calls you a name. It’s like - ‘oh, someone called me a Freak, Loser, Gay, whatever ... I’m supposed to feel terrible’. DON’T let your programming make you feel bad. Keep in mind most of these bullies are filled with fear and have low self esteem.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent!” Eleanor Roosevelt.
can also respond to their friend/bully with, ‘Do
believe it?’
‘Fake it till you make it’... says Betty Hoeffner who runs Hey U.G.L.Y. Inc a non profit organization helping youths with self-esteem and empathy building programmes. Teach your child to refuse to get mad, refuse to cry and refuse to be embarrassed. Remind them getting angry makes it worse, but staying calm helps the situation. Help the child to see how his or her own reactions can encourage the bully to keep going. Help the child/teen to laugh at the themselves or find the humour in the situation. The ‘Do you believe it?’ line comes in handy again when trying to squelch a rumour. If the child/teen is asked or teased about a rumour they
you
If they answer, ‘Yes!’, it’s ok to
•All children should be encouraged report to parents, teachers, CEOP and the Police as the situation deems necessary.
finish with, ‘Well,
believe what you want it’s a free country’. This statement liberates the child/teen from having to confirm or deny the rumour and it will fade out. If you or your child feels you absolutely have to respond try to empathise, ‘Who’s
treating you so mean that you have to be mean to me?’
Dr Marcella Wilson speaks regularly to parents and the media about cyberbullying, “Children and teens are not always equipped to deal with being bullied or stalked online” All of the experts agreed that: •All children should be encouraged to remember they are not alone, cyberbullies tend to bully others and speaking out could help someone else too.
•All abusive messages whether by email, text, chat or online should be ignored. Log off if this becomes difficult. •If very serious all messages should be saved, screenshots taken of conversations and wall posts printed for evidence. ‘Hitting back’ or arguing doesn’t work. A bully looks for power or to get someone else into trouble. Bettering the cyberbully’s comment may leave the victim in a difficult situation if the Police become involved. Whitney Zeldow is a self-confessed cyberbully she warns,
“One thing I know doesn’t work; is a victim ‘fighting back’ or accusing the bully of being insecure... Chances are you’re being bullied because you’ve displayed some weakness. Pretending to be tough is funny and just going to fuel the fire”
Aroud 1 in 5 teens have posted or sent sexually suggestive or nude pictures of themselves to others
Girls are somewhat more likely than boys to be involved in cyber bullying According to the National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) 43% of teens have been victims of cyber bullying in the last year Detective Wistocki, works for the department for Internet Crimes involving Children, he said, “It’s about awareness and education. I am urging parents to understand and monitor their kids’ social networking and learn the potential dangers”. •Create a contract between parent and child/teen about how the internet will be used. •Keep all computers and laptops, which access the internet in a busy family room. •Consider installing software, which alerts you when your child is being bullied. Ryan Oaks from ContentWatch said, “The Net Nanny software gives updates in real-time if your children are being cyberbullied. It pulls out key words and phrases from texts,Facebook, Twitter, etc. that may lead on to cyberbullying. If someone tells
your child “I’m gonna smash your face in,” you will hear about it”. •Consider using an application called the Bully Block app. Calls, texts and pictures can be blocked or send an auto response. Bully capture allows the phone call to be recorded and forwarded immediately. A demo of the application can be found on You Tube at http:// tinyurl.com/5sb7pu8 •Get online support, there are groups dedicated to sharing experiences and helping to rebuild self-esteem. http://heyugly.org and others have great advice. Kidscape was the first charity in the UK established specifically to prevent bullying. Their aim is to provide children with practical non-threatening knowledge and skills to keep themselves safe. They recommend keeping up to date and contacting one or more of the following organizations: Try Childnet International and follow the SMART rules. For advice on chat-room safety have a look at Chatdanger. thinkuknow.co.uk and has some straight talking advice on many aspects of online safety. CEOP has some useful infor-
mation, and will also let you report anything you’ve seen or experienced on the internet that has made you feel threatened or uncomfortable. For an excellent FREE online Cyberbullying help guide: Cyber Safe E-Book for Kids http://kidsafe.com/cyber-safee-book-for-kids. The download incorporates all aspects children/teens may encounter online. To understand text speak: http://www.talktalk.co.uk/community/textspeak-p1.html
“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible”.
Dalai Lama