better days
What to Do When Work Stress Affects Your Family Life
I had a client (let’s call him Sam) who came to me because his wife told him he needed to do something about his unhappiness at work. Sam was an high-achieving, highly focused and intelligent manager who found himself unable to affect change at work. The barriers were beyond his control, and by goodness he’d tried hard to make the improvements to his department. He was almost there- he knew what was possible. This made it excruciatingly frustrating when he couldn’t implement it. There were higher-ups who didn’t have the same agenda, couldn’t see what he saw, had reasons for rejecting his ideas. After months of this, Sam felt disillusioned and flattened at work. Why try? Why stay? All of the skills, talents, and
"No matter what your circumstances at work, there are ways to experience triumph." willingness inside him were being wasted. He
You can imagine what 1 + 2 equaled in this case:
wanted to work on a highly productive, innovative
an energy-draining loss of self-respect. Maybe
team, not a stagnant one.
you’ve been there, too. Many of us have.
The worst part of this is: when this goes on long
Maybe you’ve been trying to tolerate a situation
enough, not only does a person not have a chance
that you really don’t like, and despite your best
to grow, but he can start to question if those
intentions of making it work, your’e also coming
talents were ever really there in the first place.
home angry. You’re not getting to see the best side
Which Same did.
of yourself, and so you’re doubting yourself.
He walked around angry. He came to expect
You consider leaving, but when you imagine
disappointment, and this affected his opinions of
yourself in an interview, you wonder: how will I
his coworkers.
ever make a good impression with this sense of
He came home angry, too. He didn’t have
defeat and resentment?
anything to report on. No wins to celebrate. And
If that’s the case, there are things you can do
not only that, but when he was being really honest
right now to turn this train around. I promise you
with himself, he didn’t like how he was showing up
that no matter what your circumstances at work,
at work or at home.
there aware ways to experience the kind of
So… add that up: 1) Not sure he has the talents
triumph that reminds you what you’re really
he thought he did, and 2) Doesn’t like who he is
capable of.
anymore.
And even if you’re not currently experiencing
"The key is to do your work for you. Not your boss, not your company." this level of frustration, the tips I’m about to give
moments of being pulled, pushed, disappointed,
you will help you raise your game at work.
frustrated, tired.
So imagine that for a moment. You, rising above
In short, it can make you feel small.
whatever circumstances you’re given, and bringing
And over time, you can start to think that’s who
your A game to it all. Making yourself proud.
you are. You’re stuck. You’re powerless to affect
How might you feel differently at home when
change. You’re not as smart or effective as you
that happens?
thought you were.
You really can do this. It takes willingness, but
You want relief. A way out. To score big again.
you have willingness.
You want to make a difference.
It takes self-awareness, but you have self-
So here’s what you do:
awareness.
You have to feed your Big Self- your best self-
It takes a little time here and there, and you can
the one who knows what’s important to you and
make a little time for this.
what your’e really capable of- like it’s a plant.
There are three steps, and I’ll walk you through
When you take care of a plant, you wouldn’t
them:
expect it to grow or flower if it’s kept in the closet, sealed off from light. This is the same with your
1. Feed yourself first.
strongest, most confident and competent self. Your leadership self. The one who makes the biggest
Throughout the day, you probably experience
positive impact on the world around you.
"At the end of the day, your biggest win will be a triumph of character." You’ve got to give that part of you nutrition, so
much you can do to fuel your focus and feel
it can flourish.
fulfilled, no matter what’s happening around you.
The rule is: feed yourself first.
The key is to start with this motivation: do your
There are scores of things that you do that make
work for you.
you feel good. Fill you up. Make you smile. Open
Not your boss, not your company, not the
your heart, and give you energy.
critical voice in your head that sounds a lot like
Do those things first, and fill yourself up. Make
your dad.
them your priority. Make that plant your mission.
Find out why you do this work, if you don’t
You know what works for you. It might be
know already. Look inward, and ask: “Why is what I
playing basketball on Wednesday nights. It might
do important?”
be meditating before work. It might be looking at
Then to that question, ask: why is that
pictures of your family between meetings.
important? Really find that answer.
It might be quitting sugar, or getting enough
Keep asking why until you get to the core of
sleep, or listening to music.
what’s important to you. You’ll know you’re there
It’s not just one thing, but many things that you
when you feel it in your body. Knowing your why is
can do to feed this part of you and keep it online.
a visceral experience, not a matter of concept.
Collect strategies, so you have many to turn to.
Now, you’re focused on what matters.
Ask yourself, “Am I in my Big Self, or my small
Use this point of focus to guide your decision
self, right now?” And respond accordingly. Add
making. You may not have choices about what you
sunlight, pour water.
do. You may be very limited right now at work.
Feeding yourself first will determine how you
But you can choose how you show up, and make
see, interpret and respond to what’s happening
a difference doing so. You’ll allow your integrity to
around you. You’ll have the wherewithal to assess
shine. Watching your impact will make you feel
the situation with a clear mind and an open heart,
great about yourself.
and you’ll be able to act in ways that make you
Your why might be to uphold the truth in order
proud.
to protect others from harm. Or it could be creating authentic community everywhere you go.
2. Find out what’s really important.
Or maybe it’s that your purpose is to teach efficiency.
Once you have your mood in check, there’s so
Settle into what’s most important to you- the
"When you know what you really want, there's so much you can do to start the process of change." thing that defines your integrity- and create your daily goals first and foremost around that. Given what you need to do today, how will you do it? What impact do you choose to have? Who will you be in your interactions? How will you live your purpose? At the end of the day, your biggest triumph will be a triumph of character. This is never dependent on being given the right circumstances. Every circumstance is an opportunity for your character to shine. 3. Frame everything as an opportunity. Now that you know everyday is an opportunity to come home proud of how you showed up, you can take this further and focus on catapulting yourself forward. What are your plans for yourself? What do you dream of? What are you not getting from work right now that you want to get in the future? My clients often come to me wanting to change their job immediately, and then realize they’re in the perfect situation to invest in a much bigger change. If they keep their steady income, they can take time to clarify what they really want. When you know what you really want, there are so many things you can do to start the process of change, before you decide to stay or go. For example, if what you really want is a job you’re not sure you’re ready for, you can use this time to become ready. You
can approach your current challenges as if they are training for your next step, and make your ultimate goal learning and developing. It may feel as though everything bad at work is happening to you, as if it’s specifically designed to make you miserable.
"You really can turn your frustrations into opportunities to grow."
I find the key to turning this story around is to flip this perspective. What if everything that is happening to you right now is actually happening for you? What if the experience you’re having is exactly the one that will prepare you for what comes next? What if this experience is specifically designed to move you forward? If these things were true- take a moment and really assume they are- then what is here for you to see or learn? How is this circumstance exactly what you need? How can you mine it for the growth, learning, development, courage or strength of character that your’e looking to build? This is one way to take charge of your work experience. Make everything work for you, as a way of helping you become your best self. In Summary: You really can turn your current frustrations at work into opportunities to grow, make a difference and feel great about yourself. The rules are: 1. Feed Yourself First 2. Find out what’s important. 3. Frame everything as an opportunity.
What Your Back Pain is Trying to Tell You
Parker came to me after suffering a great lossher father. She’d taken time to grieve, and she’d recognized how she felt different now about so many things, including her career. She knew something had changed, and that she needed to find a new path. How did she know? Well, in part because the level of tension in her body had escalated. Her neck and shoulders clenched as if they carried boulders. She felt exhausted all the time, and drained of confidence. “This isn’t who I am”, she thought. “Or is it?” Parker knew what she wanted, although it took enormous trust to admit it. She wanted to feel relaxed and like herself at work, she wanted to be using her love of championing others, and she wanted to lead a team that made a difference. She had a talent for getting problems solved
"'This isn't who I am, she thought. 'Or is it?'" immediately for people. She as a fixer with an impressive work history. Who wouldn’t want someone like her for a team leader? There was nothing particularly hard to believe about this possibility for a successful mid-career professional, but because she wanted to switch industries, for Parker it was easy to talk herself out of. Easy to doubt. This is often the case when you’re in transition, and it’s true for so many of us. The road ahead can be crystal clear to those around you, yet for you, you need to feel it. You need to see it and believe it, before you can move forward. It’s a risk you can’t take without some measure of confidence. It’s just not as simple as pivot and go. When you need more information, when you need more guidance, when you need more confidence in your decision making, that’s when it helps to listen to one of the biggest, most insightful
resources you have: your physical intelligence. Think of all the times you had a sinking feeling in your gut, only to find out why later, when something difficult transpired. Or all the times you felt inspired and motivated after lunching with someone who made you laugh and relax. Your body is sending you cues all the time. Odds are you tend to notice the dramatic ones. But when they accumulate over time, like Parker’s stiff neck and heavy feeling in her gut did, it’s easy to dismiss them as merely irritating. “Ugh, why can’t I get rid of this knot in my back?”, you think. And just like that, you’re fighting your body, asking it to behave, and missing it’s message to you. You see, your physiology is constantly responding to your experience and giving you feedback about how it’s effecting you. (If you happen to be a highly
"When you're relaxed and expansive, you're likely to be more effective." sensitive person, you’re likely getting detailed messages, constantly, which- by the way- can be a little overwhelming.) Some experiences will cause you to relax, expand, or quickly feel filled with creative energy. Other experiences will cause you to constrict, retreat, or tense up. When you’re relaxed, expansive, filled with creative energy, you’re likely to be more effective, more engaged, feel more like yourself and, generally, enjoy yourself. When you’re constricted, retreating or tense, you’re likely to show up as a much smaller version of yourself, with limited effectiveness and frustration as a result. How do you make the most of this information? When you think you might want a career overhaul and don’t know where to start- you can turn to your body for helpful clues. Pay close attention: when do you light up? When do you lose your energy? Which thoughts or visions of the future cause your body to relax? Which ones give you a belly ache? Resist the tendency to judge yourself, and start listening to what your responses are telling you. If you approach your body’s cues with curiosity, you can acknowledge and accept the things you already know (but have made a habit of ignoring). For example, you may know that playing guitar brings you joy, but your knee-jerk response may be to instantly dismiss it as a professional possibility. You may be unwittingly treating the possibilities you really want as if they don’t exist for you. Without investigating your joy and looking for what it’s trying to tell you, you won’t be able to mine that experience for direction. You may not end up a professional guitar player. But when your inquiry reveals that the creative performance aspect of playing guitar is what makes it thrilling to you, then you have something to work with. There are a million jobs that depend on charismatic creative performance.
"Your body knows your direction, and it's one of your biggest allies in decision making." You can only know your direction if you allow
And likewise, pay attention the the Nos your body
yourself to want, and you allow yourself to follow
gives you, too. What is it about your circumstance
what your own wisdom is telling you.
that your body is rejecting when you get those end-
Over time, telling yourself that your stiff neck or
of-day headaches or lower back pain? What’s out of
your sour mood is “just life” won’t lead you toward
alignment? What’s just plain not okay with you?
what you want… and not only that, but it will likely
Give yourself the freedom to be really honest
land you in the doctor’s office.
with yourself about your answers.
Here’s an exercise you can start today:
Your body knows your direction, and it’s one of
Try listening to your visceral responses to
your biggest allies in decision making. It’s
different life experiences, if only as an experiment.
wonderful to have a system inside you that you
Assume your body is right about everything, and
know you can trust, and that will lead you in the
that it contains all the insights and clarity your’e
right direction, even before it’s all clear to your
longing for.
intellect.
Follow your body’s Yesses, even when they don’t seem realistic, by truly considering possibilities that light you up. Don’t rule them out until you’ve allowed yourself to experience their impact- if only in your imagination- and you’re able to see what it is about this vision that brings you energy.
When is the Right Time to Make a Career Change?
Three years ago, Alex- a prominent leader- was bored miserable at work. Alex was in a paper-pushing job, not sure if his work really affected any change in the world, and he knew he was more than this. It felt like a waste of his time. Maybe even a waste of this stage of his life. You see, he’d moved here from his home country for better opportunity. And this was what he did with it? Alex really wanted to start his own practice as a lawyer and create change in Latin America. He was an activist at heart, and held a deep commitment to his home country, which had become unstable. When he talked about it, the energy and drive in his voice was palpable. He had a dream. From his core, he understood the value of his people, he felt
compassion and deep understanding of what’s needed. The more he talked about the changes he thought were possible, or were at least worth working toward, the more his dream started to feel more like an inevitability to him. Whereas before coming to work with me, he’d dismissed it as a naive fantasy, and a distraction, now he felt a responsibility to move forward. He’d felt so disappointed at work and so overwhelmed at the prospect of change that he’d told himself “why bother.” But he did bother. He took his dream and thought it through. When he did that, he saw the ways in which it actually made sense. He saw what is next step could be. And then he took it. Now, he’s a major activist figure providing information, guidance and leadership for the healing of his homeland. He’s been on CSPAN and CNN. He’s spoken at UN special events and Congress. Everyday, he lives his purpose in life. Whether it’s comfortable or not. Scary or not. You can guess how Alex feels about his job now. Imagine the self-respect and pride that comes with a move like this. Where would Alex’s self-respect be, had he stayed in his old job? Where would his current clients be, had he not started his own law practice? Where would the movement to heal his country be, without one of its valued leaders? It’s easy to dismiss your dreams without thinking them through. But once you start to take them seriously, they will call you forth. And the nice thing is, there’s no turning back, once they do.
"Now, he's a major activist figure. Everyday he lives his purpose in life."
Julie Boyer, CPCC
Julie Boyer is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach and bestselling author of the book Just Give Me Meaningful Work; Leave Your Exhausting Job and Start Making A Difference. Julie helps women free themselves from the frustration of poor job-fit and uncover their true purpose, so they can do work that means something to them. She lives in Boston, regularly walking the nearby woods with her dog, Zoe. To get a free copy of Just Give Me Meaningful Work emailed to you, simply email julie@julieboyercoaching.com with "FREE BOOK" in the subject line.