better days
Dear Reader, The more people I meet through coaching, the more I realize just how many of us want freedom. We want to be free of hangups, free of roadblocks, free of stress. So many people hunger for more; they have a feeling or an intuitive notion of what’s possible for them, and they feel compelled to move toward it. It’s not something they’ll necessarily talk about publicly, or even with friends. Sometimes it’s what we want sincerely that we hold most close to our hearts. It’s as if the wholeness or healing or freedom that we long for is somehow unusual, or less valid. But it isn’t. Human beings are designed to grow and evolve, and those voices of longing inside us are laying breadcrumbs for us, getting us to open up and embrace who we really are and create careers and lives that fulfill us. Nevertheless, the path of growth or trailblazing and even working with a heart of purpose requires vulnerability. And so it’s all
too easy to get stuck, fearful of making the wrong choice, playing it safe and staying small. I’ve created this issue of Better Days (a pet project of mine) to illuminate a few things that I know as coach: that change is possible, it’s important, and creating it is often easier than we think. I hope this validates your want for more, and makes your path forward a little clearer and easier to step into. Warm regards ~Julie
Making Sense of Wanting More from a Career I was horizontal on the couch, breathing deeply to try to minimize my back pain, staring at the ceiling. I’d just returned from Ghana, for the second time. This trip was hard. Much harder than the last. I’d given everything I had, which amounted to migraine-induced nausea, ten pounds of weight loss, and pulled lower-back muscles. I’d thought, that year, that if I just gave as much as I could to others, I’d find out what I was meant to do. But although I loved many aspects of the work I did, I was no closer to knowing my purpose or how to find work I loved than I was before. This was supposed to be the year when I really figured it out. How to find work that was meaningful to me, where I could make a difference and use my natural strengths and feel great about myself. So when all of my giving seemed to leave me empty and exhausted, I started to question myself. I had three main thoughts, cycling through my head. I hadn’t realized it, but they formed a filter through which I perceived the world. I’d created an entire emotional landscape from them. Unconsciously, they were limiting my possibilities, even though I’d longed for just the opposite. These thoughts seemed reasonable to me, as if they were grounded in some kind of authority. They were: 1) I’m stuck and something is probably wrong with me, 2) I should just suck it up and 3) What I want is too much to ask. At the time, these thoughts made sense. They were reasonable ways of making sense of my reality. The trouble is, they didn’t alleviate my frustration and they
"I felt sudden clarity, as if someone had just opened a window in my brain." didn’t move me forward.
meaning, how we build strong and meaningful
This was the beginning of what I call a life
relationships, how we create impact with
crisis. It was a time of doubting everything, feeling
everything we do, how to be truer to ourselves.
sick and exhausted and seeking help for that, and getting myself into a relationship that culminated in an engagement, which I knew I had to get out
I realized there was a whole industry designed around values that I shared. This was me. When reading this book, I felt like I belonged. It gave me such an internal YES that my body
of.
relaxed, my mind softened and my heart felt
It was a time of change.
tender. This was the feeling I’d been searching for.
It sent me into a deep re-evaluation of
This!
everything. But from my relationship mess, by the grace of unseen forces and wisdom inside me that surfaced
And since I’d felt so much of the negative, constricting and weighty impact of my previous search, this YES stood out and it was clear to me that I had to follow it.
miraculously, I discovered that love was what was
I had a vision of myself in the future, sitting
most important to me. Not success. But love.
around a conference table with a small group of
And during that time, I’d picked up a book on
other coaches, talking about important things like
leadership coaching. As I read this book, I felt sudden clarity, as if someone had just opened up a window in my brain and I could breath again. Everything the writers talked about spoke to me. They were talking about all the subjects that made up my private world. How we create
our clients, and our coaching process. I saw a place where I made sense, where I naturally offered value, and where I was motivated by love. (This, by the way, describes my experience as a
"This time, every moment of courage paid me back tenfold." coach today. There’s no conference table, but all
And yet, I knew I wasn’t there yet. The nagging
the feelings are there. All the motivations, all the
sense I’d had for ten years or more that “this isn’t
impact. All the fulfillment.)
it” and there was more for me to do, persisted.
But how did I go from having a vision to
A couple years later I signed up for the
getting here?
Fundamentals course with the Coaches Training
I didn’t map it out, that’s for sure. Mapping
Institute. By the end of the first day, I knew, I’d
things out has never really worked well for me.
found my people. This was “it”!
Instead, I started an organizing business,
And even though I knew this was “it” for me,
because that’s what was accessible to me at the
every step required courage. It wasn’t as if I’d
time. As a creative and global thinker who had
climbed to the top of the slide, and from there it
learned to become organized at a young age I
was a gleeful release with my hands and feet in the
knew I had the ability to help people like myself
air. No, I was still marching uphill. But this time,
organize their thoughts, their relationship to time
every moment of courage, every upward step paid
(their schedules) and their relationship to their
me back tenfold, bringing me joy and healing,
belongings (their homes and offices).
instead of exhausting me.
What happened naturally was: I coached them.
Every time I stepped further into my
I was great at it.
vulnerability, into the life I really wanted, I
So then I got trained in organizer coaching,
expanded, and felt more like I’d wanted to feel for
from the Coach Approach for Organizers. It was
so long.
awesome. I was starting to really get into work that mattered to me.
"If you're experiencing your own crisis with work, know that it's here for a reason." And to this day, my work brings me never-ending challenges. But they are all the right challenges for me. They are challenges that truly mean something to me. They’re ones I’m excited to sign up for, the ones that fill me up and take me where I want to go. So what I’d wanted for years and years: that feeling of being tired, happy and proud at the end of the day- that feeling of belonging and deep commitment fueled by love and purpose- that’s what I’ve created for myself. It’s clear to me now, that life has a way of pulling your forward. If I hadn’t felt such all-consuming frustration, I may have been lulled into complacency. I’m glad things happened the way they did. Even though I felt like life was happening to me, it was really happening for me. If you’re experiencing your own existential crisis with work, know that it’s here for a reason. It may be telling you that there’s more in store for you. More moments of fulfillment. More relaxation and wholeness. More adventure and aliveness. More. Listen to your frustration with curiosity and compassion, and ask yourself: What might be the bigger reason for all of this? Where is life taking me? And enjoy the ride!
Wondering if it’s really possible for you to find soul-fulfilling work?
What it Takes to Find SoulFulfilling Work
Well, meet Alex. He had the same question three years ago. Alex is a lawyer and an activist who has been on CNN and CSPAN, and has spoken to Congress and a side council at the UN. He’s an influencer of policy when it comes to his homeland and, needless to say, he is fueled by soul-fulfilling purpose. He gets to experience the kind of deep commitment and fulfillment that most of us long for. He does what comes naturally to him, and his work is personal- his motivation comes from his heart, from his vision of possibility that he’s driven to create for himself and others. But he didn’t start out this way. When Alex first came to me, he didn’t know he wanted to be an activist. What was clear at the time was that he was stuck in a paper-pushing job, feeling frustrated and limited in his capacity to make a difference, and he was being hard on himself for wanting more. This was, after all, a job that gave him a steady income. It’s common for people I work with to be utterly convinced that they’re stuck at first. That there’s no way out but to confront their misery and learn to deal with it. You may be experiencing this, too. But that’s just a state of mind, and one you can move out of. For Alex, it wasn’t long after we started working together that he started to experience change, and in a big way. Clarity, I find, is always lurking just beneath the surface, and when you find it, you can’t wait to act on it in some way. When I asked Alex to write about his experience so that I could share it with others, he sent me this. I’ll share it with you now, because it shows how deftly you can move from focusing on your limitations to courageously acknowledging possibilities.
"I've covered more distance in my professional path this year than in the previous five years." Fixing my broken career path seemed so distant. I had thought of a way, though, and I had only talked about it with my wife. It seemed like an utopic and naïve dream: opening my own business, dedicating time to write about things that would be related to my business and my life goals, coming up with a potentially successful business model. I did not have to reinvent the wheel, I even had close friends doing something very similar and being tremendously successful. I was afraid, though, and that fear made that path seem unrealistic, dumb, even irresponsible. I had a mortgage, a toddler and we were looking for a second child. It was not the right time, so the line went. I think it took about three or four sessions before that path started to look not only less scary but mostly necessary. It was an opportunity to become the professional I wanted to be, not the one I stumbled upon, and I could link that to my deepest values and life goals. At last I made up my mind. Using tools given to me in coaching I planned everything with detail: how and when to break it to people at work, what steps needed to be taken, the areas where I needed help or further studying. The transition out of work was extraordinary. I gave a truthful and heartfelt explanation of why my career path laid elsewhere, to which I received mostly support and words of encouragement… It has not been a year since I started coaching and I have been able to cover far more distance in my professional path than in the previous five years. Here’s what I think is the most important part of Alex’s story: “I think it took about three or four sessions before that path started to look not only less scary but mostly necessary.”
There’s a time in coaching where you get so
has them), and at some point, their fearful
clear on what you want, and you’ve really
perspective may have saved your life. They helped
acknowledged to yourself what is possible, that
you behave and make meaning of the world in
you realize the only think holding you back is
ways that kept you getting the love, care, safety
choice.
and nourishment you needed.
You either choose to take action, or you don’t.
The thing is, they’ve stayed with you all this
And most people choose to take action, because
time, and although you’ve grown well into
they've reached a place where they’re feeling
adulthood, they are frozen in time. They don’t see
aligned and inspired.
the complexity of the world that you do, and they
But the question is, how did Alex get to this
can’t acknowledge possibility. Their main job is to
point of clarity?
scan the world for danger, and all they know is
What worked for Alex was learning about
fear.
Saboteurs. Saboteurs are self-sabotaging voices we
And even though this is the case, we often listen
carry that hold us back from growth experiences.
to them as if they’re the authority. Our saboteurs
Saboteurs are the voices in our heads that come
might say, “be reasonable, you’re asking too
from fear-driven, protective parts of ourselves.
much.” Or they might say “Who do you think you
They originated when you were young (everyone
are? If you do that you’ll get full of yourself” or
"He knew the impact of this thinking, and saw how important it was to choose another way" “Better safe than sorry” when the “safe” choice
because he made this choice, a mere three years
shuts down growth and only makes you miserable.
later his career is more satisfying than he ever
Saboteurs feel heavy. You’ll know you’ve got
could have dreamed of back then.
one driving you when you feel exhausted, like you
Realizing your biggest fears are just fears, and
want to procrastinate, or when the voice inside
they aren’t the true authority you’ve made them
you sounds whiny. Physically, your posture will
out to be is liberating. When you choose to
contract, your shoulders might tense, or you
override them, you make room for all kinds of
might wear a furrowed brow.
positive emotions and experiences.
Saboteurs will shrink you, and following them
You can start working from your heart, saying
only makes you stay small. This is what Alex
yes to the part of you who trusts yourself, and
realized as I helped him get curious about whether
rise to the challenges before you, as you create a
or not his thinking was credible.
deeply meaningful career.
When he saw that most of his evaluation of what was possible came from his saboteur voices, and that these voices weren’t as representative of the truth as he’d thought, that’s when things changed. He knew the impact of this thinking (it shut him down and made him feel small), and he saw how important it was to choose another way. And
Listening to the Voice of Longing I’m so frustrated where I am. Trouble is, I have no idea what I want instead! Is this you? If so, you’re not alone. Many of my clients start out here. They think they don’t know what they want. They’re utterly convinced that they’re lost. But what always turns out to be true is that clarity is just beneath the surface! They were just searching with the wrong tools. We often feel an urgency to find a solution when we feel frustrated or lost. Our search really comes from a motivation of self-criticism. I should have this figured out by now. This shouldn’t be happening. But that only makes us feel tense, like there’s something wrong with us. We don’t mean for this to happen, but in order to avoid our own judgement or criticism, part of us will shut down. I understand the feeling of urgency and panic. I lived there for years. The thing is, figuring out what you want isn’t a matter of conquering yourself, or conquering life. That “conquering” energy comes from an underlying belief implying that not only is something wrong with your situation, but something is wrong with you. That belief will weigh on us, even if we’re unaware of it. The impact of operating from that belief is that we’ll harden.
"If you're going to be real with yourself, you need to be a safe and nonjudgmental listener." We’ll toughen up.
wanted and then say “why bother.” He had two
But toughening up is the last thing you want to
voices- the voice of his longing and the voice of
do when you’re trying to get clear on what you
his saboteurs.
want. Freedom doesn’t come from further
He could have chosen the first, and kept
hardening your shell, it happens when you crawl
shutting his vision down, and talking himself out
out of it, into the light of day.
of it. But when I asked him to look forward 10
Allowing yourself to want what you want is a
years, and see what it would look like if he chose
vulnerable thing to do. Longing from your heart-
this line of thinking, commiting to shutting this
for something more- involves being real with
part of himself down, he didn’t like what he saw.
yourself. And if you’re going to be real with
He saw that the impact of self-criticism and
yourself, you need to be a safe and nonjudgmental
playing it too safe would have limited his impact
listener. You need to be the best version of a
(because he felt so worn down and small). He
friend to yourself.
couldn’t lead from this place. He realized he’d be
Longings speak from deep within us. We don’t
less fulfilled, and just as miserable as he currently
always know how to make immediate sense of it.
was, if not more, in the future.
We’ve got to coax it out, welcome it, and in some
Suddenly playing it safe didn’t seem safe at all.
ways accept it, before knowing what to do with it.
But when Alex spent time accepting his vision
When my client Alex first uttered the words
as if it were possible, as if it were legitimate, then
that he wanted to be an activist and create change
he began to see all the ways in which it was indeed
in his homeland, it sounded to him like a pipe
possible, and it was legitimate. It wasn’t a pipe
dream or a naive fantasy. He’d think of what he
dream, it was a reasonable goal to have as someone who wanted to be a leader. Not only that, but exploring this vision lit him up. His voice changed. He felt stronger from this place, having connected with his natural strengths and instincts. This place felt exciting to him, and
"He knew there was no guarantee. But he saw that he would be more fulfilled."
full of possibility. From here, when he looked to his future, he knew there was no guarantee of what would happen. It felt more vulnerable, for sure. But he recognized that if he chose to make decisions from this place- even though it felt more vulnerable- he would be more fulfilled and more likely to rise to the challenges before him. And now, look where that decision has led Alex! He’s exactly what he’d envisioned for himself and much more, having become the activist leader he saw three years ago in a coaching session. When you allow yourself to honor your longings, what you’re really doing is bravely honoring your self. And don’t we all get stronger and clearer when we’re seen, heard and acknowledged?
I used to feel stupid for wanting more from my work. “Geez, why am I never satisfied?” I’d think, but the frustration never went away. I thought I
Where You Can Look to Find Your Purpose
had a commitment problem. In reality, I longed for deeper commitment. I’d see people I admired, so committed to their fields or to the people they were helping that you could sense how strong it made them. I wanted that level of fulfillment. I wanted to be all in. Not being all in wasn’t good enough for me, and so I struggled and searched for the answer. I tried to get rid of this frustration in so many ways. I tried volunteering my butt off. I tried applying for jobs I knew I didn’t want but felt like I should want. I talked to people. I rewrote my resume a gazillion times. In the mean time, I got pretty exhausted; so
exhausted I was seeing various doctors to make sense of it. I had migraines. Back pain. Was all this a sign that life was out to get me? Was I just supposed to resign myself to being unhappy? A decade and a new career later, I can confidently say that no, resigning yourself to unhappiness is never the answer, and it wasn’t for me. The frustration I felt was legitimate. It was my purpose speaking up. Life wasn’t punishing me, it was telling me to create change. It’s really common to have a nagging voice inside you, reminding you that you want something, constantly asking you to look for more. More of something that you need, or more of something that deeply fulfills you. It’s also common to get frustrated by this and wish you could just be happy with what you’ve got. But there’s something worth considering. What if this frustration you feel, this longing for more, isn’t irrational, selfish or a big distraction? What if it’s your purpose speaking up, trying to get you to pay attention and start to create change, because you’re meant to live into it for the sake of yourself and others? You may not know why you’re supposed to create change, you just feel you need to. And that’s enough. You can’t know the future until you choose to start creating it.
"What if your longing isn't irrational, selfish, or a big distraction?" That’s what happened for Alex. He’s actively involved in creating safety and peace for countless people. You can bet his purpose is what drives him. But he didn’t know that when he set out to find more fulfilling work. He just knew he needed to do something
about how unhappy he was, or else his wife was going to go nuts. When something is stirring deep within you, and you can’t ignore it (and you don’t feel any better when you try), there’s a reason for all this inner fuss. It could be that you’re supposed to
"There's a reason for all this inner fuss."
listen to it. It could be that beneath your frustration is a
improve the quality of her life, but I also know
calling. And that if you listen to this calling, all
that my client is more apt to make a bigger
kinds of possibility will open up for you.
difference around her from a healed state.
You may not immediately understand what this
All this is to say that my purpose has grown
calling is and you may not know what you want in
into something I’m passionate about and deeply
this moment. But if you hold the context that
committed to, and it’s what makes my work
something important is happening, and that it’s
meaningful to me. And my journey- which began
your job to get curious and listen, you will set the
when I set out to get “unstuck”- is what set me on
course of change in motion.
the path of my purpose. Beneath my frustration
Along the way you’ll find out what you’re all
was actually a call to healing, and to helping others
about.
heal, that was waiting to be heard by me.
On my journey, for example, I learned so much
The same was true for Alex. Beneath his
about healing. There was a lot inside me wanting
frustration with his paper-pushing job was a
to be healed, emotionally and physiologically. I
calling to be of greater service to the people of his
didn’t realize it at the time,
homeland. What I know is that when you start to
but I was in the midst of a master course on the
listen for the call, when you honor what’s really
stuff.
happening beneath that frustration or confusion
These days, healing is a big part of my work. I
of yours, you start to hear the details. You clarify
understand how healing happens, and I’m able to
what you value, who you really are, what you
hold space for my client’s healing as she’s trying to
yearn for, and what would make you feel whole
create change for herself. Not only that, but I’ve
and fulfilled.
become so passionate about healing that I believe
Then, the call becomes something you follow,
it’s what we’re here to do on earth. When I help a
enthusiastically rise to the challenge of, and use to
client heal, I know I’m not just helping her
create a great life for yourself.
Julie Boyer, CPCC
Julie Boyer is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach and bestselling author of the book Just Give Me Meaningful Work; Leave Your Exhausting Job and Start Making A Difference. Julie helps women free themselves from the frustration of poor job-fit and uncover their true purpose, so they can do work that means something to them. She lives in Boston, regularly walking the nearby woods with her dog, Zoe. FREE CLASS! To watch a free recording with more discussion and insights on these subjects, go to MeaningfulWorkTheWebinar.com. Send questions to: julie@julieboyercoaching.com