8 minute read
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
She was Scary Spice, the fiercest of 90’s pop idols, the Spice Girls. Yet Melanie Brown has revealed years of abuse from her ex-husband.
Four years after escaping and returning to her family home in Leeds, she’s received an MBE for her work with Women’s Aid – and dedicated it to others who have suffered in abusive relationships.
Her own abuse ran over a decade. At first she says, it was ‘little things’ like control over the colours of her clothes, then alienating her from her family. Threats of violence became real and when she self medicated with drink and drugs, Stephen Belafonte threatened to take away her children.
Refuge, which runs the national domestic abuse helpline, reported a 61 per cent increase in calls and contacts logged during the first lockdown. For Melanie Brown the realisation that she wasn’t alone came only when she talked to women at a refuge near her family home. “We all had exactly the same story.”
Steve Simpson, manager of Think Wellbeing St Helens
She says the impact will be with her for life. “I just have to learn how to deal with it. You can’t erase those kinds of traumas.”
Steve Simpson Think Wellbeing talking therapies service in St Helens says recovery is possible.
Clients often attend with symptoms of anxiety and depression – the abuse may only come to the fore during therapy.
“If someone has repeatedly been told they’re stupid or worthless they’re likely to have low self esteem and negative beliefs about themselves and feel too ashamed to speak about it,” says Steve.
“Recalling traumatic life events can be very upsetting, so although we ask about contributing factors when we assess people, it’s only through therapy they feel able to revisit what is often the root of the problem.”
He explains the approach. “The first part of the therapy is to help them build their mood and reduce those anxieties. We offer a gentle introduction to cognitive behavioural therapy, or perhaps an online programme supported by a therapist. If we feel they need it, we would invite them in for face to face therapy.”
It’s often at this point that people are able to talk about their abuse.
“As someone develops a therapeutic relationship with the therapist they become comfortable enough to tell someone. They feel prepared to deal with the root cause of the trauma because they have learned through the therapy that’s the only way they can move on.”
He’s honest about the role of the therapist. “I’ve always said to my clients ‘I can’t make you better – but you’re going to make yourself better by letting us help you and show you what to do’.”
Those who stay with the therapy with that knowledge are more likely to recover than those who disengage, says Steve.
“They’ve changed their beliefs about themselves – there’s a realisation that at last they can get on with their life.”
Domestic abuse is any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour.
Former Spice Girl Melanie Brown has revealed how she lived with domestic violence.
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM
Abuse can happen to anyone.You may not even realise it’shappening to you. Read Aiden’sstory.
“She was very subtle, with sly digs. I caught her checking my phone, reading a football WhatsApp group I was in. She removed my access to our joint account then said it was the bank’s error. She’d say my ideas were rubbish, that I was being unreasonable, I felt I was going mad.
“I started to feel absolute dread when I heard her key in the door, I knew that wasn’t normal. I couldn’t sleep. My mates were saying I was under the thumb at home.
I read in my staff newsletter about a domestic abuse policy. Things started falling into place, I felt so embarrassed, a man… being abused, I didn’t know what to do. As I visited websites things became real.
I asked my brother for help. I didn’t tell him the details, I was too embarrassed. I told him I was thinking of leaving - just taking that first step gave me the strength to pick my life up. A friend of my brother’s offered me a room for a few months and I left.
My life is completely different now. I see my mates more often, I get picked for the footy team every week and I’ve been promoted in work. I don’t even recognise the old me.
Once I was out of the relationship, I began to realise how bad it really was, I was shocked I let it get that bad.
I’ve not started dating yet, I’m not ready for that but I’ve learned some valuable lessons and I’m starting to believe in myself again”.
• These are not the real names of the people involved but they are true stories. If you need help please get in touch with one of the services on these pages. Don’t suffer in silence.
LAURA’S STORY
Twenty two years ago I was a normal 20 year old starting university and enjoying life.
Then my dad died suddenly. I found him – the grief was intense.
Iwas the youngest of five and we’d lost my mum when I was 12, so he’d brought me up. I was trying to study, holding down two jobs and living alone in my family home. Looking back I was very vulnerable.
A friend introduced me to the man. He was 26, originally from Albania and seeking asylum. I needed to fill the huge void in my life and developed a very unhealthy reliance on him. He took full advantage.
After moving in he began to turn me against my family, saying they didn’t care. If I went out with friends he’d get angry and say I mustn’t love him. People were telling me something was wrong, but you don’t recognise a toxic relationship when you’re in it.
He wanted to get married and have a baby. I know now it was to get asylum. I did fall pregnant accidentally, but I miscarried. The psychological abuse escalated and I stopped going to university. My days were spent washing and cooking for him.
He had total financial control; I’d pay for everything because he told me he had no money. When I found a savings book with £16,000 in it we argued and he pushed me into a door frame fracturing my nose.
I was ashamed. I knew this wasn’t right but I was so frightened of being on my own. In fact my family were there, scared for me. I just wouldn’t listen.
Eventually I asked them to intervene and my brother threw him out. I discovered afterwards he’d used a fake passport to leave the country. My family wanted to press charges but I refused, even then I felt the need to protect him.
The experience left me emotionally broken, partly because I’d not grieved properly for my dad. I spent a long time in specialist domestic abuse counselling. It was so good to talk without fear of being judged or having guilty thoughts.
I always wanted to be an arts therapist, but I’ve seen the difference counselling made so I chose to work in areas where I could help women like me. I’ve since trained to teach, had loving trusting relationships and have four amazing children.
The experience was such a dark period in my life, but from it I found a path that’s helped me thrive and help other women turn their lives around. I count myself lucky.
Soaps like EastEnders have been acclaimed for raising the issue.
HELPING A FRIEND IF THEY’RE BEING ABUSED
If you’re worried a friend is being abused, let them know you’ve noticed something is wrong. They might not be ready to talk, but try to find quiet times when they can talk if they choose to.
Find out more at nhs.uk
HELP AND SUPPORT
Samaritans: 116 123 or jo@samaritans.org
Women’s Aid at womensaid.org.uk helpline@womensaid.org.uk
The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247
Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 or info@mensadviceline.org.ukManKind on 0182 3334 244
If you identify as LGBT+ you can call Galop on 0800 999 5428 or email: help@galop.org.uk
If you’re considering leaving, be careful who you tell. It’s important the person abusing you does not know where you’re going. Women’s Aid has useful information about making a safety plan that applies to both women and men, including advice if you decide to leave.
If you are worried that you are abusive, you can contact the free Respect helpline on 0808 802 4040.
