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E N C O U RA G I N G & E Q U I P P I N G W O M E N F O R A L I F E O F FA I T H Spring 2016

Winning Your Spiritual Battles by Leighann McCoy, p12

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A Friend in Me

by Pamela Havey Lau, p16

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Between You and Me “He never ever gives you a yoke without the enabling that goes with it!”

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away more! But it didn’t matter now. Somehow there was a release. I didn’t complain and whine anymore, “Poor little me, poor little me, poor little me! Why doesn’t somebody else’s wife take a little bit of this? Why is it always my children that have to say, ‘goodbye’ to their Daddy? Why can’t it be somebody else’s children, God?” Everything changed—for me and for the children—because children do not create your attitude, they reveal it! They were picking up all my resentment and all my bitterness—until that day I came down the hill. You know something? Since that day, the Lord has said to me many times, “Do it again!” And He has laid on me a yoke that feels very familiar. All His yokes are custom made; not one size fits all. But, this is the yoke He has laid on me. I want to tell you something—it’s alright! And it’s more than alright, it’s incredible! For HE CAME NEAR and there’s nothing like it! So you put your face in the dust, and you submit to the yoke, and He never ever gives you a yoke without the enabling that goes with it! What is your yoke? What is He laying on you? It may be something small or it may be something big. Will you submit to it? Which part of “Lamentations Chapter Three” are you in? Are you in the first sixteen verses, getting God and life mixed up? Or is all that sorted out? Will you surrender to God in every single part of your life, especially in this new year and say, “I want to be what You made me to be! I want to do, what You made me to do!” Blessings,

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Years ago, before we came to America, I remember one day feeling rather lonely. Stuart was traveling all over the world and, at that point, I was raising the children pretty well on my own. I remember getting sick of my yoke, and I grew very bitter and angry. I started doing a “Jeremiah” or a “Lamentations Chapter Three.” I’d say to the Lord, “You brought me into this; You got us to give up our careers, and You landed us in this mess. We never understood what it would be like!” Around the corner of my glad, “Oh yes, Lord,” there was this horrible, “Oh no, Lord,” of which I never expected. And I did my sixteen verses and more, and then God enabled me to start and do some “mind work.” Then, as I did my part, He began to do His, and He started to change my heart. I remember sitting on a hillside that overlooked Capernwray Hall in the beautiful Lake District of England where we lived and worked, putting myself into silence, and saying to God, “I’ve got the whole afternoon. I’m going to stay up here until You do Your renewing work in me, because I’m sick of being sick of this. I want to change, and I want to be different.” At the end of that afternoon, as God did His renewing work in my heart, and as I held my heart in my hands until it was broken and contrite, something new happened—and a new Jill Briscoe came down that hill. It was incredible. He came near into my pit. So I was as happy with the loneliness as without it. As long as He stayed as near as that, as close as Him breathing, nearer than hands and feet— it didn’t matter. It didn’t mean He lifted the yoke and Stuart came home. No, in fact, Stuart was

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Contents vol 26 no 2 S P R I N G 2 0 1 6

24 26 7 Habits for a Successful New Year Simple, smart choices for living a healthy life.

Minding Your Influence Who do you believe on the internet?

by Leighann McCoy

by Pam Farrel

by Elizabeth Murphy

by Jill Briscoe

Why I Have Nothing to Fear The five stones for winning your spiritual battles.

E N C O U RA

QUIPPIN GING & E

H E O F FA I T FOR A LIF G WOMEN

nus.org

etwee www.justb

Spring 2016

Winning Your Spiritual Battles

A Friend in Me

p16 Havey Lau, by Pamela

G us S P R I N just between

2016

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McCoy, p12 by Leighann

Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Word from Your Mouth Letting the Word work in and through you.

FOR SUBSCRIPTIONS call toll-free 800-260-3342 or visit our website justbetweenus.org. From Canada call 262-786-6478.

A Friend in Me Younger women long for friendships with their mothers and other women who are older than they are in the seasons of life. Are you a safe haven? Discover how you can bridge the gap. by Pamela Havey Lau

celebrate the beauty of every day In her final book, Kara Tippetts calls us to cultivate soft hearts even when we face great disappointment. She suggests hard-won ideas for living with the strength we have for today. And she reminds us that whether we are in the midst of dark days or ordinary moments, the world is a beautiful place.

Kara Tippetts was the author of The Hardest Peace and the coauthor of Just Show Up. She blogged faithfully at mundanefaithfulness.com. Since her death in March 2015, her husband, Jason, has been parenting their four children and leading the church the couple founded in Colorado Springs, Colorado.

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Available in print and digital editions everywhere books are sold

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Contents

CREDITS

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Web Debbie Wicker

General Manager Mary Perso

Renewals Manager Nancy Krull

Assistant Editor Suzan Braun

Donor Development Associate Erica Chang

Art Director Kelly Perso

Advisory Board Dave Borleis Anita Carman Pam DeRosa Pam Farrel Judy Briscoe Golz Nancy Grisham Susan Lawrence Pam MacRae Elizabeth Murphy Jackie Oesch Stephanie Seefeldt

Between Readers

Kisses from Katie

Healthy Emotions

Editor Shelly Esser

Editorial Assistants Constance B. Fink Cherry Hoffner Debbie Leech

Between You and Me

Bits & Pieces

Circulation Manager Suzan Braun

Web Director Mary Ann Prasser

I N S P I R AT I O N

Joni’s Corner

Executive Editor Jill Briscoe

Marketing Andrea Buchanan Julie Santiago Subscriptions Jeanette Kay Barb Pechacek Lin Sebena Sharon Stonecipher Software Support Rebecca Loesche

ADVERTISING Lindy Mason For more information call 407.293.6636 or email ads@justbetweenus.org

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FA I T H C O N V E R S AT I O N S Out of a Far Country Angela Yuan and her son, Christopher, come home after years of living as prodigals. by Shelly Esser 18

MANUSCRIPTS/QUERIES (cannot be returned) Send requests for writer’s guidelines and all manuscripts to: Just Between Us, Editor 777 S. Barker Road, Brookfield, WI 53045

F E AT U R E S

ENCOURAGEMENT

Messy Marriages Hope for women in struggling marriages.

Real Faith

by Kathy Schoenborn 28

Is My Teen Depressed or Just Being a Teenager? A parent’s guide to teenage depression. by Dr. Gary Gregg 34

Shepherding in the Shadow of Death Helping people face death with grace and hope. by Greg Asimakoupoulos 36

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Joni’s Corner

Heart-to-Heart with Joni Eareckson Tada

Email me! corresp@ joniandfriends.org

Visit my site! joniandfriends.org

Remember that what you say today has the capacity to transform the countenance and the character of others. agenda. Or explaining that what inspired you to do a good action was the other person’s example like, “I brought coffee cake for the office because I see how much the staff enjoys it when you consistently do thoughtful things.” If you really want to affirm a neighbor, loan her something of value–your prized recipe book, the use of your car, or your fine china. When you place something of value

in the hands of another, it’s a signal that you notice a virtue in the other person that elevates your confidence in her trustworthiness. And finally, how about writing a note of encouragement to a child in your life? I can’t tell you how many mothers have told me how much they appreciate it when I write their child to thank them for something they gave me or did for me. You can’t do better than affirm a child. Proverbs 12:25 says, “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Friend, your good words can gladden the hearts of the people around you today. Your words cannot only touch, but can actually change another’s heart. So whether it’s said in an email, in person, in a letter, over the phone, or in a note, remember that what you say today has the capacity to transform the countenance and the character of others. And the best word of all? How about giving the Word Himself, Jesus Christ, who always has wonderful words of life? Joni Eareckson Tada, the founder of Joni and Friends International Disability Center, is an international advocate for people with disabilities. A diving accident in 1967 left Joni, then 17, a quadriplegic. In 1979, she founded Joni and Friends to provide Christ-centered programs for special-needs families through family retreats, and has delivered over 100,000 wheelchairs and Bibles to disabled people in developing nations. Joni and her husband, Ken, live in Calabasas, Calif. You can learn more about Joni’s ministry at joniandfriends.org or you can write her at corresp@joniandfriends.org.

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Affirming Others Sometimes the Bible asks an awful lot of us. Take Jesus’ words in Matthew 12:36, “I tell you that everyone will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken.” One day we’ll have to explain our every word! Obviously God places a great deal of importance on what we say–words have a curious power to make living things wither and die, or bring dead things to life. As it says in Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” We women possess such incredible power–all in what we say. It’s something I’ve especially learned being a quadriplegic married to my strong, able-bodied husband. I may not be able to whip up an omelet for him or rub his back, but I can honor and uplift him with words that give life, hope, and encouragement. It’s what I do every day with Ken. I will tell him, “Ken, thank you for going to visit that neighbor who has cancer… that was a thoughtful thing to do.” Or, “Ken, I’m so grateful you’re a man of prayer–God bless you for always taking the lead and inviting people to pray. Good for you!” Never have I seen a man respond so happily to encouraging words. It’s called affirmation. Not flattery or sweet, smooth talk just to get your

way; rather, I mean pronouncements and declarations of the good you see in someone else… or at least the good you want to encourage. If the good you see in another seems infinitesimally small, then encourage and nurture it as you would a tiny seedling in unyielding ground. Don’t talk down to people; talk up to them. There are great ways to affirm others. You could commend someone on their committee report before moving to the next item on the

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Q: A:

readers

Looking for some spiritual encouragement to begin the New Year? Your fellow JBU readers want to help! We asked,

THE WORD

Where do you need God to show up this year?

“In every area of my life as I die to myself (Gal.2:20) and pray daily to live in His kingdom (Matt.6:33), to join with Him in what He is doing in our family, work, and ministry. My daily prayer is ‘Lord, give me eyes to see You working, give me ears to hear You speaking, and give me a heart to be obedient to what You are showing me.’” Susan Clamon Atlanta, Georgia

“As my journey into 2016 begins, I want to be looking for God’s grace and listening to hear His still small voice in the daily, busy moments of life. I want to live by His power and strength and not my own as I continue to journey forward with aging parents. I need Him to help me represent Jesus well to family members, friends, and co-workers so that He is glorified.”

Cheryl Ellis Wales, Wisconsin

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“This year I especially need God’s strength and His wisdom as I care for my three-year-old granddaughter while her mother is deployed overseas. I also need God’s help to trust Him with a child’s health issues, and I desperately need His power to change me through ALL of life’s challenges. How thankful I am for a God who holds my hand securely through it all (Ps. 63:8)!”

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Kathi Palmer North Platte, Nebraska

“I am so thankful to have His presence with me always, particularly in the uncertainties of change. This year I need His peace, to trust in His sovereignty, and strength to serve through my Army son’s move, new granddaughter’s arrival, ministry transitions, aging bodies, chronic illness, and the passing of loved ones.”

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Carol LaCasse Pewaukee, Wisconsin

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Kisses from Katie

living the surrendered life with Katie Davis Majors

Visit my site! amazima.org

taries and looking up lots of Greek words, there are parts of it that I just can’t quite wrap my mind around. How marvelous to serve a God who is so much more magnificent than I can even comprehend! What I have noticed, though, is that through all of it, a few things remain constant regardless of tribulation and destruction. God is on the throne. All the angels and all the elders and all the saints and all the believers are gathered at His feet. And they can’t stop worshiping Him. They can’t stop worshiping Him. Forever. And so this week life is hard and it is heavy, because I love so many and I want them to know Him and I want Him to heal them. I want the hurt to be over. I know one day it will be. And in the meantime, I just ask it—I beg it—that we will be people who cannot stop worshiping the Lamb who is worthy. That through the hard and the struggle and the moments that just seem so hopeless, we will cling to the hope that He’s already won and our only response is adoration and praise. Eyes on Him. Because when our love is not enough, His is. Katie Davis Majors is married to Benji and lives in Uganda. She is the mother of 13 adopted daughters. In 2008, she started Amazima Ministries International, a non-profit organization to meet the physical, emotional, educational, and spiritual needs of the people of Uganda (amazima. org). Additionally, she is the author of Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption, which chronicles her amazing call and obedience to God and to Uganda. Follow Katie’s blog at kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com.

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He Is on the Throne! I watch the tears roll down her cheeks and am devastated for her. I know she must be crying because of the pain of her burns or because of the pain in her heart at the thought of her husband pushing her into the fire. I place my hand on her shoulder and my eyes beckon her to share. “My stomach is hurting,” she says, and that’s not what I was expecting, “This is the first time I have eaten this week.” It’s Thursday. I pray because I don’t know what else to do. Sure, I can feed this woman lunch, but after a week of an empty stomach that may just hurt more than it helps. I can’t do much to change her situation, to relieve her of her abusive husband, or her job picking scrap metal out of the garbage heap. I can feed her now, but she goes home to three starving children and a future that seems utterly hopeless. We pray. I get a middle-of-the-night text from a dear friend who has been more of an encouragement to me than she will ever know. Her mom’s biopsy results have come back and the tumor on her brain is cancerous. I can barely choke out the words to say that my heart is so heavy for her, that we will carry this burden with

them in prayer. I am blown away by her strength and feel completely un-encouraging. We pray. The hurt doesn’t stop. A teenager needs his leg amputated because an infection, that could have been preventable, is now out of control. A four-year-old’s arm is permanently damaged because his mom didn’t have enough money to have it casted when he broke it a few months ago. My friend carries the unborn child of her late husband, but confides in me that she would rather not. Five children in our program watch their mother fight HIV which is rapidly sucking the life right out of her. Another friend threatens to abandon her children (again) because she just can’t make enough money to make ends meet, and she would rather be apart from them than watch them suffer. We move them into that little house in the back and we ask for miracles. Thirteen hearts are growing into women under my roof and need more and more of Mom, more and more of His truth. I sit, erase the “to-do” list from my mind and will myself to be present—to be available. The gate opens again and again and the phone rings—and all these people—they just want to know that they are not alone in their pain. They just want to be heard. So many hearts to tend to. Who is God on the days when love just doesn’t feel like enough? I have been reading through the book of Revelation. I’ll be honest, even after reading several commen-

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Bits & Pieces

for everyday faith and life

Living La Dolce Vita! Kathy Troccoli has some simple suggestions for women who want to partake in God’s sweet life—la dolce vita, as her Italian family calls it. Be in Charge of What You Allow to Saturate Your Soul. Put aside the “to-do” list that consumes you and try a “to-be” list: Be still, be willing, be patient. Talk to God Frequently. There’s no need for high and lofty prayer. You don’t have to get it “right.” Simply talk to the One who knows you best.

7 WAYS to… Study the Bible

Words of Wisdom

1. Ask God to open your eyes and heart before you begin reading.

“God hold us to that which drew us first, when the cross was the attraction, and we wanted nothing else.’”

2. Read whole chapters and books for an overview of Scripture.

~Amy Carmichael

3. Pick a verse to memorize this week. 4. Make notes on what a passage reveals about God. 5. Underline or circle meaningful verses. 6. Use markers or colored pencils to highlight different themes.

“We wish we could get closer to Jesus by saying a prayer, going to Bible study, reading a book, or in some other convenient and controllable way. But the truth is, it’s uniquely through our own sorrow that we can draw close to the Man of Sorrows. It’s in our suffering that we can truly begin to identify with His.” ~Nancy Guthrie from Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow

7. Read and re-read smaller passages for more depth. ~Becoming: The Wisdom Books of the Old Testament (Thomas Nelson)

Invest in Others. Wherever you are, ask What do my attitude and countenance say? With Jesus Christ in your heart, you can be a feast for someone’s soul. Seek Him First. Lay aside your agenda and ask God to reveal Himself in who you are in this life. He’ll lead you to fulfillment greater than you can imagine.

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~adapted from Live Like You Mean It by Kathy Troccoli (WaterBrook)

Ministry on the Go Volunteer for a neighborhood or highway cleanup. 10

Write Us! Please send your short (250 words or less) snippets to: bitsnpieces@ justbetweenus.org with “Bits & Pieces” in the subject line.

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Healthy Emotions

the experts answer your questions with Jenny Heckman, MS, LPC, NCC

Q: How do we embrace our negative emotions? A: Can you imagine life without emotions? No wonder at the beauty of creation, no anger to identify when an injustice has occurred, no sadness to assist us in adjusting to loss, no happiness that allows us to laugh with friends, no compassion to suffer with others. Life would have a strange flatness rather than rich complexity. Emotional health is a combination of three facets: the ability to accurately identify the internal experience of our emotions; the ability to convey those feelings to another in ways that honor their dignity; and the ability to understand the emotional world of another.

Visit my site! jennyheckman.com

We also identify that our incompleteness, wounds, and life experiences often diminish or magnify our emotional experiences, making it difficult to be effective in these three areas. As an early adolescent, I made a silent vow that only positive emotions would be welcomed in my experience. Due to the depression and anxiety I carried as a kid, paired with generational “rules” about negative emotions, I attempted to make my internal life as tidy as possible. That did not work so well. As Brene Brown states in her talk

It was a learning curve for me to begin to accurately identify and allow myself to experience the range of human emotions God designed. As I did, my internal world became less frightening, my range of emotions broadened, I allowed people to know me, and my empathy increased for others. This is how powerful this first facet of emotional health is; it directly impacts the other two facets.

to that emotion. Shame keeps us from moving with the emotion so we get stuck. The families, churches, and cultures that formed us, and continue to, are tremendously powerful in forming beliefs about the role of emotions. But shame can be challenged and resolved, allowing emotions to flow freely and flexibly for the adaptive purposes God designed them for. • Infirmities involving mood or personality. When brain chemistry or nervous systems do not have the “happy messengers” to regulate mood, or are “revved up” by chronic overload, emotions will either become escalated or diminished. These are infirmities of mood, have a strong genetic component, and can be brought on by significant stress. God’s gift of psychotropic medications can effectively restore brain chemistry and nervous system function so that emotions can be experienced accurately.

What makes it so difficult to identify and befriend our emotions? Below are hindrances that may be keeping you stuck.

• Fear that if a negative emotion such as anger or sadness is experienced, we will either be engulfed by the emotion or it will become permanent. As George Bonanno reminds us in his book The Other Side of Sadness, emotions by their very nature are temporary. They appear for adaptive reasons, serve their purpose, and subside. Certainly they reappear, but if we cooperate with their purposes we will learn that not only can we tolerate them, they help us move forward, make decisions, and form and keep relationships. Amazing! • Shame that certain emotions are either a sign of character weakness or point to a spiritual deficiency. Imagine this: every time an emotion in this category makes an appearance, shame is immediately attached

In addition to infirmities of mood, some people have infirmities that reside in the personality and significantly distort emotional perception and expression, including the ability to empathize with others. Common names for these include: Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. These infirmities require more intensive therapeutic work in a safe, consistent atmosphere.

Next time, we will look at practical ways to identify our emotions. Understanding where and why we are stuck and knowing there is hope to become unstuck is a good first place to start!

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Jenny Heckman is a professional licensed counselor who owns a private counseling practice, Robust Sanity LLC, seeing individuals, couples, and families in Brookfield, Wis. Additionally, she has served on the pastoral staffs of several churches and has been married to husband, Mark, for 25 years and has four children.

The Power of Vulnerability, there is no selective numbing of emotions. When negative emotions are suppressed, the positive ones get suppressed at the same time.

Why I Have

Nothing toFear The 5 Stones to Win Your Spiritual Battles.

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by Leighann McCoy

If I had been sitting on the riverbank when David went to choose his stones, I would love to have asked him how he was able to muster such faith. I wonder if, while he was spending hours alone in the pastures, God impressed him with His glory through nature. I wonder if David and his father talked for hours in the night about life and death and war and peace. I wonder why he chose five smooth stones— it only took one! Before you read any more, go collect five rocks. Many times I collect five rocks to remind me of the following truths. My stones serve as little altars to remind me that with God’s power coursing through my veins I will win every battle I fight. Do you have your rocks? Then read on and learn more about the stones God’s given you to take your giants down.

The Stone of Contentment If we could find our satisfaction in Christ alone, we would withstand so much of what the enemy hurls our way. Many times I allow Satan an edge in my marriage because I grow discontent with my husband. Is it just me, or have you ever thought, “If only I’d never met you!” We’re trying to find our satisfaction in our husbands—and there is the problem. When Tom fails to meet my every need, God is using Tom to say “Only I can fill you up!” There is a God-sized hole in each of our hearts, and when we try to fill it with husbands, ministries, careers, hobbies, children, grandchildren, or whatever else, sooner or later we find that they just don’t fit. Run to your Savior and find contentment in Him. David was able to take Goliath down because he found his contentment in God. David’s brothers thought he was just a shepherd boy. While they went off to the battle, David obediently tended the sheep. Most likely David wanted to be in the action of battle, but stayed behind under the authority of his father and waited to go to the battlefield when his father sent him. Oh, that we would do the same. What battles we might win if we truly found our contentment in Christ alone. To hurl your stone of contentment at the giant that heckles you, you must rest secure in the “whoevers” God sees fit to put in (and take out of) your life and the “whatevers” He sees fit to place you in His great big world (both geographic and circumstantial locations). Consider your stone of contentment and pray this prayer: Father, I choose to place my hope in You. I release (whomever you run to when you need God) from having to meet my every need. I confess that I’ve allowed (him/her) to take Your place in my life. Please forgive me. I choose You. I trust You, I love You, and I am satisfied with You. Amen.

The Stone of Confidence

The Stone of Perseverance We win because we refuse to quit. Tom reminds me often that our journey in God’s kingdom work is a marathon, not a sprint. Our evangelism pastor, Steve Witt, challenged me one night when he asked a group of us this question: “Is there any quit in you?” He went on to say, “If there is, you can be sure the devil’s gonna find it, and he’s gonna camp out there until you give in.” When I heard him ask that question, I had been guilty of both thinking and speaking these words aloud: “I can’t. It’s too much. I’ve had enough. I can’t go on…” In case you haven’t noticed, the devil is not nice at all. If you have a relationship that is strained, a dream that seems to be hopeless, or a doubt that nags you, then these heartaches create spotlights for your weaknesses. They shout, “Chink in the armor! She’s got a leak! Come on fellas—let’s see what we can do!” Is there any quit in you? I got to thinking that night that Steve challenged me, and I realized, “No, there’s not any quit in me.” This was a brand-new revelation. Deep passion began to stir in my spirit, and I heard my heart stand up and shout, “I’m going to serve, I’m going to live, I’m going to give, I’m going to grow—and forgetting what lies behind I’m going to press on!”

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This is a big one for me: confidence. I used to think I had to rally confidence and self-esteem in me. Remember Satan’s intimidation factor? When David faced Goliath, was he confident in himself? Or was his confidence in God?

When Saul insisted that David wear the king’s armor, David tried it on and then refused. After arming himself with a slingshot and five smooth stones, David stood before Goliath and exposed himself to Goliath’s verbal assault. “He said to David, ‘Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?’ And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. ‘Come here,’ he said, ‘and I’ll give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!’” David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head” (1 Sam. 17:43-46). Where was David’s confidence? How long has it been since you’ve witnessed the power of God? According to His Word, nothing is too difficult for God: “Ah Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You” (Jer. 32:17, NASB)! Where is your confidence today? Hold your confidence stone in the palm of your hand and pray: Lord, I confess that I’ve been hiding because the enemy is strong. I choose to believe that You alone are God. I choose to believe that there is “nothing too difficult for you.” No giant too big, no problem too large, no child too lost, no marriage too cold, no church too mean, (add anything that comes to your mind). I choose to trust You. I have made You my hope and my confidence. Amen.

My stones Gods power win every battle

serve as little altars to remind me that with coursing through my veins I will I fight. What about you? Consider your stone of perseverance and pray: Father, I do not want to grow weary doing good, but I’m tired. Sometimes I think I just might quit. I too have been guilty of thinking—“I’ve had enough!” But here I am, Lord. I choose to follow You and I don’t intend to give up. Did you hear that, Satan? I love You, Lord…and forgetting what lies behind…I press on. Amen.

The Stone of Faith I think this stone is the stone David pulled from his bag of five to bring Goliath down. David’s faith was compacted into that one stone. And that faith-stone, partnered with David’s arm of obedience, took down the Philistine giant that had God’s entire army held captive in their tents. Oh, that God’s people would hurl such faith today! The world is desperately hungry to experience faith like that. People want to know…is your God real? God’s people (and our lost neighbors and friends) need to see what happens when our lives embrace the promises of God. They desperately need to see that God is personal and that He is powerful. The world needs to see that with our faith we can move mountains. Even when we fall down, we will get up again and march triumphantly on! Don’t forget that this stone is not optional. Hebrews 11:6 says, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those that earnestly seek him.” To seek God earnestly means to keep on seeking Him when everything around you says, “What’s the point?” Faith is the extra measure of umph that refuses to give up, give in, or give out. Hold the powerful stone of faith and pray: Oh God, enlarge faith in me! Father, let my earnestness be proven in the winds of doubt. And my faith strengthened as I cling to Your Word. Amen.

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The Stone of Intimacy with God There is only one way to defeat the enemy really—and that is to nurture your personal relationship with the only One who is stronger, and that is God. In Max Lucado’s children’s book The Song of the King, the king offers his daughter in marriage to the knight who can survive the Hemlock Forest. The Hemlock Forest is a dark and

fearsome place filled with hope-nots who heckle and attack strangers who dare to enter their forest. Three knights enter the contest, and each of them is given the opportunity to choose one traveling companion before they take off on their journey. When the knights ask how they will find their way out of the forest and back to the king in the castle, they are told that the king will play his flute at the end of each day. They are simply to follow the sound of the song. There were only two people who knew the song of the king. Those people were the king and his son, the crown prince of the kingdom. The three knights chose their traveling companions and took off on their fearsome journey. After many long days only one returned. Of all the dangers he encountered, he told his captive audience that the worst was that the hope-nots learned to mimic the song of the king. Each evening when the king played his tune, melodies arose from all parts of the forest. The knight admitted that this would have been his undoing had he not chosen his traveling companion wisely. At this moment, the knight’s traveling companion was revealed. He was…the king’s own son, the crown prince of the kingdom. The wise knight went on to explain that as he spent time with the prince, the prince played him the beloved song, and because he heard the song so often he learned to recognize the true song of the king. There are powerful forces of evil mimicking the voice of God. They will try to derail you and render you useless to the kingdom of God. In order to guard yourself against their tactics, you too must embrace the song of the king by growing deeply intimate with His Son, Jesus Christ. Consider your stone of intimacy with God and pray: Father, Today, I recommit myself to a deep, personal, intimate relationship with You. I need You, Lord. More than I can even know. Father, I want to continue to be “armed and dangerous.” I want to put the enemy on the run and take every giant down so the world will know You are God. Amen. Excerpt from Spiritual Warfare for Women: Winning the Battle for Your Home, Family and Friends, by Leighann McCoy. Bethany House Publishers, a Division of Baker Publishing Group. Used with permission.

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a friend in me Women need friends from all stages of life.

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by Pamela Havey Lau

The pain of losing my husband’s brother and his fiancée brought me to an understanding: God wanted to fill the void that their deaths had created in my life and in Brad’s. Any filling that could possibly satisfy such a void would come through closer relationships with friends, family, each other, and for me, other women. I believe that God wants people close. Closeness in the family is a demonstration of the Trinity, the love of God the Father, the bond with Jesus, and the fullness of the Holy Spirit. It was only through suffering and recognizing my need for healthy women to walk this road with me that stirrings for real healing began. I began to accept that I should not ignore my longing for relief from pain. But I found it difficult to initiate the depth of conversation that I was longing for. I was in my mid-twenties, just getting established in my profession, and believed that if I shared with a colleague the waves of emotions I felt, she might question my capability to do my job. I was expected to lead. I didn’t have a place to open up and tell the truth about what Brad and I were going through because I didn’t have deep 16

relationships with other women, I was unable to get the help I needed to grieve well with the one I loved the most. In the decades since, I’ve talked with hundreds of women who longed for friendships with women who were ahead of them in the seasons of life. Women are feeling isolated from other women, especially between the generations. Unless we begin to respond to the need, I am convinced that this problem will only intensify given our rapidly-changing culture. In Christian Smith’s work Lost in Transition, Smith and his collaborators interviewed more than two-hundred emerging adults. The book identifies five major problems facing young Americans, even young Christians, today: confused moral reasoning, routine intoxication, materialistic life goals, regrettable sexual experiences, and disengagement from civic and political life. Could it be that by cultivating close relationships with younger women we could help them navigate minefields like these? Smith seemed to think so. He claimed that much of the younger generation’s pain and confusion lies with us, those who’ve gone before them.

what younger women are saying

what older women are saying

After hearing stories like these from younger women, I was curious if women in their forties, fifties, and sixties were experiencing challenges getting close to the younger women in their lives. My answers came swiftly and in ways I hadn’t anticipated. When my husband and I were invited to teach a Sunday school class of about seventy-five fifty-year-olds, I could see they knew Scripture well and considered church a priority. But what struck me was how many of the women voiced their longing for more of an intimate relationship with their adult children and grandchildren. One woman after another lamented the differences that kept their daughters, daughters-in-law, granddaughters, nieces, and younger-women friends at arm’s length. Their comments revealed specific, even outrageous, expectations of what they wanted from their children and grandchildren, especially when it came to how they practiced their faith traditions. One woman stood and said, “Our daughter is not raising our grandchildren in the church the way we raised our children. How can we have a close relationship with her?” Another woman emailed me the next week and asked me to pray for her granddaughters because they were making lifestyle choices she didn’t approve. “How can I show them the love of God when they are more interested in their boyfriends than in Christianity?” Clearly, these women recognized there was a problem, but they were oblivious to the solution. They are not alone in this.

Many of the messages we send, intentional or not, are hurting our relationships with the younger women. Many times our words, our

responses, and our body language say, I am unsafe.

Linda told me that after raising three sons, she was looking forward to being close to her daughters-in-law. Her sons had married, and initially their wives had seemed eager to spend time together. But Linda said the dynamics changed after the grandchildren came along. Somehow she found out that two of the families were planning a vacation together, but without her. The pain and sense of being left out were more than she could articulate. When she finally worked up the courage to ask why she hadn’t been invited, one daughter-in-law said, “We needed time together as a family.” The words were more painful than the action itself. She later told a friend, “I long to have an intimacy with my own daughters-in-law that they just don’t need from me. I can’t even ask them about church. Why can’t we be close?”

continued on p 23 17

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While the need for cross-generational friendships is great, many of us are sending negative messages that are keeping younger women at arm’s length. Karen is a thirty-two-year-old mom who works from home. She and her husband are committed Christians who started their marriage working in full-time ministry until their employer went under for financial fraud. Leery of organized Christian institutions, the couple stayed away from church involvement. Although they lived in the same city as their families, Karen rarely felt the support she needed. She had started a home business, but it wasn’t doing well, and she began to experience anxiety. When she called her mom for help, Karen knew by her mother’s response that she disagreed with some of the decisions Karen had made, especially her decision not to attend church. It felt to Karen as if her mom were withholding being close because of that one decision. After her mom’s continual suggestions of what to do—get more rest and talk to a counselor—Karen finally accepted that her mom couldn’t do what she really needed: just be close to her and fully present. Another friend, Amy, who is twenty-six-years-old, works as a program evaluation consultant for museums around the country. One day while we were having coffee, I asked her about her faith. “I love God,” she said. But I have a deep desire to be close to women ahead of me in the faith.” Now that she works in the “real world,” she feels ignored by women who are ahead of her in life. She’s close to her mother and grandmother, but they live thousands of miles away. Amy told me that she’d been visiting a church in her area and had never been approached or contacted by anyone. One Sunday she worked up the courage to talk to an older woman after the worship service. The woman asked Amy what she did for work, and as she responded, the woman appeared distracted. Her body language communicated the message: I am not interested in you. Amy later confessed that she suspected the woman was intimidated by her because of the job she had. Amy just wanted to talk about faith. After that hurtful exchange she didn’t want to shadow the door of church again. “I’m not doubting my faith,” she said. “But it’s exhausting depending on Facebook or email for connecting with others. I want something real.” Kate is another young woman who received negative messages when trying to reach out for help. One day she approached a woman in her office (a Christian nonprofit) to seek advice about living with her boyfriend. She wanted out of the arrangement but didn’t know what steps to take. When she opened up about her dilemma, the woman told her, “Well, you got yourself into this mess; you better figure out how to move out.” When I asked what her mom thought, Kate said, “All my mom wants to know is when I’m planning to get married.” Kate desperately wanted someone to go deeper with her, to talk through the details without judging her.

Out of a Far Country Angela Yuan and her son Christopher come home.

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by Shelly Esser

faith conversations

Angela Yuan, on a cold, drizzly morning, bought a one-way train ticket to Louisville to say a final goodbye to her son, Christopher— and to end her life.

JBU: You came here with all these dreams. Was there a moment that caused it all to crumble? Angela: The day when Christopher told us, “I am gay.” I was not a Christian. My life was already a wreck and I felt hopeless. So at that moment I just felt like there’s no sense for me to live another day. I was totally determined that I would kill myself. Nothing could hold me back. I didn’t know it at that time, but God was using that situation to show up on the train.

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Born in Szechuan, she grew up in Taiwan, and came to the U.S. in 1964 full of hopes and dreams for a better life. She grew up in a cold, atheist Chinese home, with working parents who were never around; she was always lonely and hungering for love and affection. So when she married her husband, Leon, she set out to make sure her family would be different. “My life’s work would be home, family, and my husband’s career as a dentist,” Angela said. Eventually, they were blessed with two sons—Steven and Christopher—and Angela set out to be the doting Chinese mother. From the outside they looked like the picture-perfect family living the dream with a thriving dental practice. However, Angela and Leon’s marriage was struggling and Angela felt empty and hopeless inside. All she and Leon ever did was argue and avoid each other. Steven had left home for college and wanted little to do with his parents. Angela’s last ray of hope was Christopher who was obedient, caring, and thoughtful. But then the bottom fell out. Christopher announced that he was gay. Angela was devastated. In an exchange that sent Angela into despair, Christopher stormed out of the house back to his friends in Louisville, “who accepted him just the way he was.” With that rejection, something died inside Angela. “Our family was broken, and my life was falling apart. Every dream I’d had for years—for my marriage, for my sons, for my future—was gone. I could see no more reason to live. I was certain that I’d have no satisfaction or happiness in this world. I saw only sadness, disappointment, and rejection. And I wanted no more of it. Death’s road seemed less painful—so it was the one I chose,” Angela writes in the book she co-authored with her son Christopher Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son’s Journey to God. A Broken Mother’s Search for Hope (Waterbrook Press).

Before Angela headed out to what would be her last trip, she and Leon stopped by to see a minister to listen to her pain. Angela poured out her story, but he was unable to provide any real encouragement to her hopeless heart. When they got up to leave, he handed her a booklet that would forever change her life. The next day she boarded the train, with the booklet. Finally, she looked at it. She began to read it. Interesting, she thought. She was captivated by every word. The booklet talked about how God loved everyone—even homosexuals. As she continued reading, she realized that she was not reading it for Christopher, but for herself. “I read a statement that pierced my deadened heart,” Angela remembers. “‘Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.’ Nothing? You mean God loves…even me?” She had never heard that before. A peace washed over Angela. She was having a life-changing encounter with the living Christ. What was going to be a trip to end her life became a trip that gave her life. But as Angela’s life became transformed, Christopher’s spiraled down into the pigpen. Not only was he active in the gay community, he became a drug user, then drug dealer, eventually serving three years in prison, and when it seemed like it couldn’t get any worse, it did. Christopher tested HIV positive. But like in Angela’s life, God miraculously intervened. Theirs is a love story— God’s love for a mother and son, both lost, both prodigals in their own unique ways—and how God found them in the mess, redeeming them to Himself, and bringing them home. JBU had the privilege to recently sit down with Angela and Christopher to hear their story of redemption and how the power of God’s Word and prayer literally changed their lives and brought this mother, son—and husband—out of a far country. Today, they travel the world sharing their story, helping parents love their prodigals and the church love those impacted by homosexuality.

faith conversations

on God’s promises. And that I could only face my life through God’s Word and the prayers of others. I also feel those years when Christopher was in the far country, my life was full. God gave me opportunities to serve and help other women. That helped keep my life fulfilled as well. Instead of always focusing on my problems, I would give out to others.

JBU: Tell us about your prayer closet. Angela Yuan’s prayer closet.

Christopher: It was a buildup of many years, but this was the breaking point. That event was devastating in itself, but compared to all the other things it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

JBU: The pamphlet you got seemed like an incredible divine intervention. Tell us about it. Angela: It was about homosexuality! But the pamphlet also shared the love of Christ. All my life I was hungry for love. I didn’t know what it was. The void was getting bigger and bigger. Nothing could fill it. The Holy Spirit used that moment. For the first time, I experienced what unconditional love was. That was the breakthrough for me. When I read how God loved me, a sinner, I couldn’t believe it.

JBU: When you had your conversion, it turned everything upside-down almost immediately—you grew spiritually at a speed that takes most people years. How did that happen? Angela: I was discipled by a woman I met in Louisville for six weeks and then got introduced to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) when I returned home. I experienced miracle after miracle. God put me in the right place. I started to study God’s Word. I was so hungry like a sponge; I didn’t want to stop.

JBU: How integral was knowing and studying God’s Word in sustaining you when your life was still a mess? Angela: Reading the Bible was a miracle because I didn’t like to read. When I was in Louisville, I could read the Bible from the moment I woke up in the morning all the way to midnight when I closed my eyes, more than 12 hours straight. I couldn’t put it down. My daily devotional time with God and His Word helped me not to let go, even one day.

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JBU: In the seven years after you became a Christian and were praying for Christopher, did you have moments when you felt discouraged? Angela: I often felt discouraged. The minute I looked at my life and the mess or looked at Christopher’s life or my husband’s life, I got discouraged. But I remained encouraged by being in Bible study and God’s Word, and the women in my group encouraged me too. Leon and I committed to focus not on hopelessness but on the promises of God. Constantly, I was reminded that I needed to move my eyes away from my own situation and put my eyes 20

Angela: Every day in the morning before I go to work I spend time in my prayer closet. My prayer closet is a shower room in our home. We converted it. The novelization of the movie, War Room, written by Chris Fabry, who had seen my prayer closet, dedicated the book to me. The other day a friend said, “Did you watch War Room? The closet is just like yours.” Chris was in our home and he took pictures of my closet. I went to my prayer closet before I even walked out of my bedroom in the morning, because I wanted to focus on Jesus instead of focusing on something else. So the first thing I do daily is go into my prayer closet to study God’s Word and pray. I will go in there, sometimes to cry or sometimes to sing. It is really my sanctuary. My prayer closet is the place where I can hear God’s voice and where I keep hope. Christopher: My mom’s prayer closet isn’t just where she prays; she actually does all of her Bible study and prayer together. She doesn’t view prayer and studying the Bible as two separate things. You read the Bible which causes you to pray and you pray and that causes you to read the Bible more. So as Mom studies the Bible, she’s led to pray.

JBU: How did you get the idea for your little shower/prayer closet? Angela: I was led by the Holy Spirit because I was totally a wreck. The first couple months after coming home from Louisville, I didn’t want to go to church. I didn’t want to see anyone. I was in so much pain. I felt like I had just come out of the hospital and had a bandage from the top of my head to the tip of my toe. I was so afraid to face the world. I just wanted to stay in that little apartment in Louisville. For six weeks, I was alone reading God’s Word. Then I came home and had to face reality. That’s when I had the idea to make a prayer closet.

JBU: You kept praying. Angela: Yes, for seven years.

JBU: Without any evidence that God was hearing or answering those prayers. What kept you praying? Angela: God’s Word. Every time I read God’s Word, I saw that He never gives up on us.

faith conversations

JBU: How did you pray for Christopher during those hard years of drug use, drug dealing, and living as a gay man? Angela: I started asking God for wisdom and discernment. I wanted to step aside so God could work in his life. So many times I prayed, Lord, do whatever it takes to bring this prodigal son to You. I prayed that he would hit rock bottom. What was most important was that Christopher became a Christ-follower. I prayed that my son would turn to God. I realized that the biggest issue was not Christopher rejecting me or his family, but rejecting Jesus Christ. So my prayer was that Christopher would surrender his life to Jesus Christ first and foremost. That changed my focus. My goal was no longer that he would stop taking drugs, leave the homosexual community, or become heterosexual. It was a very big turning point for me and how I was going to pray and love Christopher. Christopher: I think that’s helpful for parents of prodigals because most of the time parents are focusing so much on the prodigal’s behavior and making that the main problem. My son is doing drugs; my daughter is in prison; or my son has run off with his girlfriend and they’re living together. They are praying, “God make my son stop doing drugs or pray that he’ll get his life together and stop playing video games.” The focus has to be “Are our children following Jesus or not?” My mom also fasted every Monday for seven years for me, too.

JBU: Even an extended fast at one point. Christopher: Yes, she once began fasting and felt, “I’m going to fast until God tells me to stop.” She fasted for thirty-nine days. Angela: God was calling me to fast for a longer period of time, so I began a juice-only fast with no end in mind. It lasted thirty-nine days. During that time I wrote down many prayers in my journal. There were a few that I would recite each morning and throughout the day. I was so afraid that God might somehow forget my son! So like a persistent widow, I would repeat them relentlessly, asking God to act. Asking God to have mercy on Christopher. Asking for a miraculous breakthrough. I knew that it would take nothing short of a miracle to bring this prodigal son to the Father. I just wanted to know that Christopher was His and that my son would be safe—if not in this life, then in eternity. I got down on my knees and asked God to please give me just one day—even an hour—of knowing that Christopher has received Christ before I died.

JBU: At what point did Leon come to Christ? Angela: He started going to church with me to my surprise and then began attending a Bible study. It was there that he gave his life to Christ. In the process, God was healing our relationship.

JBU: When you got the call that Christopher was in jail, how were you able to count your blessings?

JBU: How would you suggest parents deal with feelings of fear, guilt, shame, and a sense of failure on behalf of their child? Angela: Realize that it’s normal to feel pain; it’s okay to cry. But we cannot stay there forever. We need help. Our first help is from Jesus Christ and His

JBU: Was there a point, Christopher, when you thought what has happened to Mom? Christopher: I noticed a change immediately when she was in Louisville for six weeks, which wasn’t expected. She was reading the Bible and she was never positive toward Christianity before.

JBU: How did you deal with all of his rejection—throwing your cards and Bible in the garbage, telling you to get out; it must have broken your heart? Angela: It was very painful, but it caused me to pray and study God’s Word more. I pictured Jesus having a bottle for my tears. I like this picture because it shows how much He cares for me and that He’s not wasting my tears. Again, BSF was my lifeline. Throughout the week I would become dry, but I went to BSF to fill up, to listen, and to study the Word of God with other women. I left feeling rejuvenated. I could get through another week.

JBU: How did you have the energy to send another card or make another call? Angela: I kept them in my prayer closet so when I was reading the Word or praying, I would write a card to send to Christopher. I thought he might throw the card away, which he did, but I sent it anyway. As parents, you can feel discouraged because your child doesn’t want to listen or talk. What do you expect? He’s a prodigal, he’s rebellious. God will use our efforts if we never give up. 21

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Angela: I started listing my blessings that began with Christopher’s incarceration. And as his years in prison passed, I kept expanding the list by using more adding-machine tape. Today it’s longer and taller than I am. Christopher was finally in a safe place, and he called us for the first time after years of non-communication and silence. An indescribable peace came over me as I thanked God. It was an answer to my prayers.

Word. Then we need to seek other’s help. Find godly friends who can understand and support you, who will walk alongside you. We cannot do it by ourselves. I always encourage women to go to a Bible study to strengthen herself before thinking about helping her child. We need to stop focusing on how bad our child is. That can be overwhelming. If you are thinking about how you are going to fix your child and how bad he is, every day, month, and year, that can become an idol because that’s all you’re thinking about; that’s all you want God to do for you. We need to turn our eyes and focus on Jesus. That’s why I put the song lyrics, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus on the mirror in my prayer closet to remind me of where my focus needed to be. Christopher: I also tell parents it’s not their fault. Angela: That was very difficult for me to accept. But the more you study the Bible and understand the gospel, realizing that we are all sinners and that our kids are sinners by nature, it became easier to let go and realize that it’s not my fault.

faith conversations

JBU: Your mom kept reaching out to you. What would you say to parents about not giving up on the relationship?

JBU: When you think about the miracle of your story what comes to mind?

Christopher: I would do as my mom did. Whether you have very little contact or zero contact, if you know their address, send them a postcard, don’t put a lot into it. Simply say, “I love you,” “I’m thinking about you.” Today texting is so convenient, so take advantage of it. Just keep it very simple, “Love You. Thinking About You. Praying for You. Hope you’re having a great day, Love you forever, Mom.” If you’re a mother or father and you’re doing that every week, a couple times a week, it’s going to plant seeds. If you are just saying “I love you,” a child may see it as annoying, but it won’t be offensive to them.

Angela: You have to trust the promises of God’s Word and keep at prayer. God is in the business of going after the lost. Christopher: The countless hours in prayer my parents spent on their knees on my behalf. I have seen my mother’s knees, brown and calloused from kneeling in her prayer closet. And the pages of my father’s Bible are worn from thumbing through God’s promises. They did this for me. My parents welcomed me home. God welcomed me home. After being lost so long in a far country… I am finally home.

JBU: When did you realize that “God loves my gay son?” Angela: I began to see that Christopher was just like I was, a sinner who rejected Christ. And that God loved everyone—even Christopher—regardless of what they do. I thought that if God can love my son, then I could still love him as well.

JBU: How do we encourage kids who are struggling with same sex attraction in the church? Christopher: Parents need to show what true gospel love looks like—that it is full of grace and full of truth. We don’t always do that well. Usually with these kids, the issue isn’t that we haven’t communicated enough truth. The issue is we haven’t shown enough of God’s grace, love, and compassion.

JBU: How would you encourage the family now that doesn’t have the happy ending—who are still waiting (you waited seven years)? Angela: Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. The minute we move our gaze away from God we sink. A BSF teacher told us that life is like a canvas... a tapestry…on the one side we see only the mess. Our life is like that. We haven’t seen the finished product yet. So all those things I learned when I studied the Bible helped me to have a different perspective for my life. God never promised we would have a rosy life, but He carries us through tough times.

JBU: When did you finally surrender your life to Christ? Christopher: When I was in prison, I found a Gideon New Testament in the garbage. It was brand new and had never been opened. I had a lot of time on my hands so I read it in my cell. God became personal to me. I started studying the Bible with a Christian inmate and eventually was leading Bible studies in prison. It was miraculous!

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JBU: How did you become reconciled to your parents? Christopher: When you are in prison no one else will visit you! My parents were the only ones who were there for me; everyone else deserted me. So often we can limit our prayers. Parents will pray, “God bring my son around, but just don’t let him go to prison. I don’t want him to be homeless. I don’t want him to…” whatever it is and we modify this, so we’re limiting God. That might be the exact thing that your son has to go through to experience the living Christ. We should never put modifiers on our prayers. We should never limit God. Oswald Chambers says, “We’re not here to prove that God answers prayers, we’re here to be living monuments of His grace.” Too often we think God is obligated to answer our prayers our way, yet God can be using those circumstances in a powerful way. It was in prison that I found Christ. God had answered my mother’s prayer, Lord, do whatever it takes to bring this prodigal son out of that far country to You. Angela: And God grows us through that prodigal or difficult circumstance. 22

Dr. Christopher Yuan and Angela Yuan travel nationally and internationally to speak at churches, conferences, youth conventions, and colleges about God’s desire for prodigals of all types to return to Him. They have co-authored their memoir, Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son’s Journey to God, A Broken Mother’s Search for Hope. Angela is a businesswoman and advocate for Chinese-American culture causes. She has been involved with Bible Study Fellowship International, serving in leadership for more than thirteen years, and was a part of the pioneering team invited by the Chinese communist government to start BSF in Beijing. Christopher teaches at Moody Bible Institute (MBI). He holds a bachelor’s degree from MBI and a master’s degree in biblical exegesis from Wheaton College Graduate School. In 2014 he completed his doctorate of ministry degree from Bethel Seminary. Shelly Esser has been the editor of Just Between Us for the last 25 years. Additionally, she is an author and has served on the Pastoral Leadership Institute Board. She and her husband live in Menomonee Falls, Wis.

Want to Know More? about what to do when a child or family member is struggling with same sex attraction? Go to justbetweenus.org/samesex to find resources and encouragement from others who face this challenge.

Pick up Out of a Far Country: A Gay Son’s Journey to God. A Broken Mother’s Search for Hope, by Christopher Yuan and Angela Yuan (Waterbrook Press, 2011), for the complete story. The book speaks to prodigals, parents of prodigals, and those wanting to minister to the gay community. To find out more about the Yuan’s ministry, go to christopheryuan.com.

A Friend in Me (continued from p 17)

the problem: distancing messages Many of the messages we send, intentional or not, are hurting our relationships with the younger women. Many times our words, our responses, and our body language say, I am unsafe. Without someone to talk openly with about deeper spiritual issues, sexuality, and practical daily living, younger women feel a sense of isolation. Yet, across the board, younger women are saying older women don’t initiate or follow up when they offer an opportunity for us to be involved with their lives. What I hear the younger generation asking for is this: for us to be more aware of the way we live our lives in front of them. What tone of voice do we take when talking with the younger women in our lives? What are we thinking when a younger woman tells us about a serious problem? Do we take the time to linger in her presence? Are we willing to go deep with awkward conversations? Can we listen to a young woman express her doubts, anxiety, or depression and resist the urge to fix her? Have we figured out how to be honest about our own journeys without wanting her to be just like us? What repels a younger woman further from us is when she cannot connect her own doubts and struggles with our surface talk. Being real about our doubts and struggles draws her to us. It sends her the message You have a friend in me.

Psst . . . Want to Know

the secret for being a great mom?

If you think the secret is keeping house like June Cleaver, cooking like a Food Network star, or doing everything on your Pinterest boards, maybe you’ve been Hoodwinked. But Karen Ehman and Ruth Schwenk are here to help! In their straightforward yet encouraging “we’ve been there” style, Karen and Ruth address ten myths of motherhood and enable moms to forge supportive relationships and confidentially embrace their calling of motherhood in their own unique way.

Ruth

Ministry on the Go Help tend someone’s vegetable or flower garden. 23

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Karen

Habits for a Successful New Year A series of simple, smart choices will keep you healthy.

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by Pam Farrel

Life can become so complex! You are dealing with your schedules for yourself, your spouse, your kid(s), and your church—while simultaneously handling multiple people’s trauma and drama—and sometimes your own crisis too! In the hectic pace and fast lane of life, it’s easy to drift from those simple daily habits that keep our heart, life, marriage, and family centered. While writing my latest book, 7 Simple Skills for Every Woman: Success at Keeping It All Together, I was honestly introspective. I dissected my life, seeking a simple answer to the question I so often hear: “How do you do it all?” While writing the chapter, “Becoming Productive,” I took careful inventory of my life, and the lives of my friends who are successful both personally and professionally. I summarized seven daily habits that really do work to keep me walking with Jesus, loving my husband, caring for my family—and keeping healthy and sane as well. Success in balancing marriage and ministry, the personal and the professional, is really a series of simple, smart choices we make every day that create a healthy life rhythm. Many of us teach these simple habits, yet when I look at people who have gotten off track, often it’s because they have quit practicing one of the things that make life work successfully. I think that might be why Peter said, “I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body” (2 Pet. 1:12-13). Using the acrostic SUCCESS, here are seven simple habits I have used every day to lower stress and raise enjoyment in life:

Say a prayer

I begin by reviewing the attributes of God. I am looking at the mountain mover. I also mentally put on the armor of God (Eph. 6:10-18). Prayer has many positive benefits: prayer can improve health, help you see life from God’s perspective, give you a sense of peace to lower your stress level, and help you be in tune with life the way God intended you to live. Having a “war room” to talk to God helps us not be at war with those we love most.

Unplug from the media

Instead, plug into God’s Word. Like the majority of people, I begin the day in the Word of God, but I also layer God’s Word into my life throughout my day in various forms from email and text devotionals, Scripture of the day apps, audio Bible, and Scripture songs. My favorite Bible study tools are my Logos Bible software to help me dig in and go on a treasure hunt of personal study in the Word. As a Sabbath treat, I also enjoy my ESV Journaling Bible, where I relax and reconnect to God through connecting art with Scripture.

Chart out priorities

Connect with loved ones

I greet my husband (and/or kids/grandkids) with a hug. While doing research, I discovered over 94 percent of couples who greet each other in the morning have a great day and a happy marriage! Also, I discovered a hug will lower a person’s stress and raise his or her confidence level, so hugging your mate and kids will help everyone have a better day.

Exercise and eat healthy

I am for the recommended 10,000 steps a day, and I alternate weight-bearing exercise, stretching and core, with cardio. I wear a Jawbone UP to track my wellness journey (and it holds me accountable to actually sleep and eat right). I appreciate the equipping for health I gained from First Place 4 Health wellness ministry, so I try to live in balance of body, soul, and spirit. A simple way to maximize time is to prayer walk with your spouse, prayer partner, friends, or mentees. A prayer walk is a “three-fold good choice”—you get closer to God, your walking partner, and thinner all in the same 20 minutes.

Style for purpose

Each day I select classy, cozy, or comfort. I get ready for my day based on what my major activity is that day. I try to do all the things that require me to be dressed up on the same day (video, speaking, meetings, etc.). For writing, I am more productive if I dress very comfortably and casually. Cozy dress means the day is for fun (with my spouse or friends, so I wear sporting attire, etc.). Grouping activities can help you accomplish more in a day.

Stay positive

I begin the day focused on God, and I try to keep hold of God’s view of life. If I hit an obstacle, I go back to habit number one and review God’s attributes, His wisdom, and His power to overcome my obstacles. I try to surround myself with friends who are positive and point me to hope. I strive to be grateful and appreciative knowing that people around the world are struggling to eat, find clean water, or are in prison for their faith. When I hit a rough spot, I try to view it in perspective. I pray for those less fortunate and do something for others daily to keep an “attitude of gratitude.” Each new year offers opportunities for change. New habits enhance productivity, encourage us, and provide more margin to our days so that we can enjoy rest and refreshment well. Ponder the possibilities that more prayer, less social media, ordered priorities, connecting with loved ones, exercise and healthy eating, styling for purpose, and staying positive—because you know Who orders your days—can enhance your life lived for Jesus! Pam Farrel is an international speaker, relationship expert, and author of 40 books including 10 Questions Kids Have About Sex, which tackles vital relational issues spanning preschool through premarital. Pam and her husband, Bill, are parents to three adult children and are grandparents, and live in El Cajon, Calif. Visit my site! Love-Wise.com

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Before I go to bed, I review my goals and set a realistic “to-do” list for the next day. I decide on my top five “must do” priorities. Typically, I write my one year and five year goals each January. Once a week, I set aside time to review weekly, monthly, and quarterly goals. (I merge my home and work lists so I am working off one list). Each morning, I review the week’s goals and fine-tune my list. Then I start with the quickest-to-accomplish goal first, then tackle the toughest or most time-consuming one

second while energy and focus is strongest for me. It will be different for everyone. At the end of the day, I try to check off as many easy, five-minute tasks as possible for a reward!

MINDING your influence Who do I believe on the internet?

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by Elizabeth Murphy

When my two oldest sons were in middle school they started skateboarding at the same time it became possible to post short videos on the internet. Suddenly a huge portion of their free time was spent editing tape, picking music, and creating videos of their latest and greatest skate adventures to share with their friends—and the world. Someone in the world saw it and sent an email to my husband and me asking if we knew what our sons were up to and what kind of music they were using in a video they had posted. We did not. When asked, they told us the name of the song and admitted they chose it for how well it matched the rhythm of the skating and didn’t pay much attention to the words. We found those words on-line, printed them, and had the boys read them to us out loud. They were horrified. They were reminded at a young age that they had the opportunity to use their influence; no matter how limited, for good or bad. In this digital age we all have greater influence on others than ever before and others have influence over us. I love so many of the things I receive online, but I view just as many things, both at my request and unsolicited, that cause me trouble. I jump to conclusions, doubt things I know to be true, judge, and, worst of all, I share them casually and carelessly with others. To influence means to move, compel or sway someone to produce effects on the actions, behaviors and opinions of others. As a follower of Christ, I want to be a careful steward of the influence God has given to me. To do that I need to first remember three things about myself: from whom I came, through whom I live, and to whom I am accountable. 26

Speaker and author, Stuart Briscoe shared these thoughts in a recent message as he talked about how we as Jesus-followers interact with the world around us. When it comes to our on-line presence we must take it further and ask, “Who should I believe”? I did a Google search for “What should I believe on the internet?” There were 38,900,000 responses. If I am going to mind my influence I need to be more careful, so I’ve come up with a list of questions and cautions to use.

1. What is the source of the information? Is it credible, meaning is it worthy of belief, is it trustworthy? If you can’t find a source or it takes layers of digging, it should give you pause. The size of someone’s audience or number of likes they have on Facebook or followers on Instagram is not the basis of their credibility. Google is not a discerning source either. One way to check your source when you find something on-line is to see if there are written sources to back it up. Reputable publishers vet

their information very carefully. Does the source have a scholarly reputation or is it just someone’s opinion? Look for additional sources that have layers of review such as large news organizations like the New York Times. Another question to ask is who else trusts this source? At a recent retreat, I read from The Message paraphrase along with other versions of the Bible. Afterwards, a woman challenged me on my use of The Message. She suggested a website to back up her position. The first thing on the site was a list of all those who should not be trusted as a result of using The Message. The first name on the list was Billy Graham followed by a long list of many of my personal spiritual heroes. I felt I could trust who they trusted, so I wrote the woman back and told her I appreciated her comments, but I would continue to use and love The Message. (For a reputable list of Bible versions and related commentary check out biblegateway.com.)

2. Why do I believe this? Is it because I want to believe it or because I know it’s true? We often rely more heavily on our feelings than we do on the facts, so a careful check of our emotions is important if we are going to mind our influence. I find this is most true when I feel someone has been wronged. My righteous indignation flares up and if I don’t slow down, practice patience, and thoroughly investigate, I pass on falsehoods and enflame already out-of-control arguments. I am so grateful I didn’t have to debate the many issues that mothers face today on the internet. My circle was small and the voices I heard were both experienced and trusted. If I could advise a mom now, I would tell her to limit the voices she listens to and trust herself and the God who picked her as the mother of her children.

3. W hen it comes to social media, do I know this person, their beliefs, and what they stand for? Guilt by association is a real danger when it comes to passing along someone else’s ideas or opinions.

4. Have I read the material thoroughly?

I am often asked to speak to groups of moms of young children. At 55 years old I am both a mother of four nearly grown boys and a grandmother (a new one, but I officially have the title)! I feel irrelevant and struggle to prepare what I think will be helpful to these women. A young mom encouraged me by saying, “I want to hear from someone who has been there, not another mommy who is just in the trenches with me. I need wisdom, the kind that comes from experience.”

6. Does the entirety of God’s Word support the position? I am so troubled by the teaching of God’s Word these days that pulls verses and uses them to prove a point without the context to support them. Long ago my friend, Jill Briscoe, taught me to look up a verse in Scripture and then find every other verse in the Bible that speaks to the same thing. That way we let the Bible speak to the Bible. I have never forgotten that very wise advice. Resources like biblegateway.com and Logos Bible software are very helpful in this along with a good old-fashioned concordance.

7. Most importantly, have I prayed and studied this? I believe God wants us to be careful with both our minds and hearts, what we allow in and what we pass on. His Word tells us how and what will happen when we do. • Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” • Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” • Ephesians 4:29-32 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” • Colossians 3:12-15 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” I know my sons remember that episode so many years ago where they didn’t mind their influence; they didn’t know they had to. We all have influence no matter how insignificant we feel, and need to work harder toward using it to honor God. We do ourselves so much harm when we aren’t thoughtful and careful. Invite God into your on-line presence and listen intently for His voice. He is the way, the truth, and the light—and can be trusted before and above all things. Elizabeth Murphy is an author and popular conference and retreat speaker who thrives on encouraging women in their personal journeys of faith. She and her husband, Mike, live in Brookfield, Wis. They have four adult sons. Visit my site! espeaks.net

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Sometimes the title and the first few paragraphs of a post are so compelling and well done I hit send without thinking. I did this recently with a Facebook post and someone sent it back with a comment about reading all the way to the end and why if I had, I would have seen the author’s final conclusion and disagreed. Red faced, I read it slowly and thoroughly and then searched for the words to apologize for my hasty mistake.

5. Does the writer have real experience to draw from?

Messy Marriages Hope for women in struggling marriages.

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by Kathy Schoenborn

Jessica felt hopeless and lost discussing her marriage with her pastor. She couldn’t remember a time when she and her husband hadn’t struggled in their 15 years together. They had both come from troubled backgrounds and could see family issues being repeated in their teenagers. She had kept her secret from others. Her pastor seemed to listen to her story, then asked if she was in a regular Bible study, and had other women to pray with for her marriage. He seemed oblivious to the depth of her pain, with few encouraging suggestions. She tearfully left the office, feeling like a failure and more hopeless than ever. Is our love over? Are Christians not supposed to have problems? Is everyone else as perfect as they appear? Is love even possible? Where is God in this mess? Katie and Tom started their marriage strong, united in the Lord, full of hope for their lives together. After 22 years, four children, and numerous financial and career setbacks, they had lost the magic and hopefulness of their early years. They were tired, confused, overwhelmed, and disconnected. Everyone at church thought they were the perfect couple. As difficult as it was to be honest, Katie could not keep the secret any longer, so she spoke to their pastor and friend. He was shocked at their struggles and rather dumbfounded about what to say. He did ask if they prayed together and suggested she make sure she was submitting and that they had a healthy sex life. She left feeling embarrassed, rejected, and more confused than ever. Where was she supposed to go to share the reality of her disintegrating fairy tale? Was she disappointing God along with everyone else?

Why the Mess?

continued on p 46 29

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Many factors impact marriage messes. We all marry with such good intentions and bright futures, but as the years tick on these hopes can morph into the hurt and hopelessness of disconnection. From my own experience in a struggling marriage, there is a way out of the mess other than hiding, coexisting, or leaving. Existing in the mess of marriage, is very lonely and disheartening. Many of my long-standing marriage difficulties were based on the natural tendency to hide in my own blame and denial, yet often our change and growth doesn’t begin until we hurt enough to face the honest truths. It can be helpful to look at our fallibility, our dysfunctional upbringing, denial and blame, expectations, romantic illusions, views on happiness, our fast-paced lives, priorities, and commitment. Once we gather the courage to face these truths, we can turn to God and learn the skills we need to clean up the mess. Struggles in marriage should not be surprising. The perfect life and connections we desire and were made for will not happen on this earth. God has promised that we will have trouble. Blame, shame, and control have been integral in our lives since the Fall. The church can facilitate our hiding tendencies by subtly portraying that good Christians don’t have issues. But we do; and we can keep them hidden, suffering the guilt, shame, and aloneness of being defective in an organization of “perfects.” If we come from a dysfunctional upbringing (we all do), like Jessica and her husband, we have to work on ourselves before we can expect to work on our marriages. Denial and blame can lock us out of finding solutions to our struggles. Our shame needs to be addressed and expressed for improved relational health. If Jessica alone, gets stronger and smarter about herself and her marriage, she can be much wiser about how she approaches her husband and the issues they share. Then they will be more likely to align with each other against their problems instead of fighting each other. Satan is the real enemy here and he wins when we fight each other instead of our problems. This is a spiritual battle. We can fight for our marriages with truth, training, and perseverance.

Expectations are setups for major disappointment and struggles in any relationship. When I had the naive marital expectation that love would be enough, and that my husband would meet my needs, the only possible outcome was disappointment and confusion. Most women in my classes have never identified, much less challenged, longheld beliefs about their marriages. As dreams fade, we both wonder what happened to our hopes for our marriage? Are we really meant to be together? Have we fallen out of love? To make matters worse, we attribute negative reasons why expectations are not being met, resulting in the slow decline of love. The great news is we alone can greatly reduce our disappointments by identifying and adjusting our expectations. When I teach Boot Camp for Wives, we spend time identifying our needs and learning how to express them effectively. When wives learn how to speak honestly and openly about their needs, as well as meet some of them themselves, they will become more satisfied, empowered, and more fully who God made them to be. Eli Finkel has researched changing patterns of expectations in marriage. Not surprisingly, he found that our growing expectations of marriage have become higher than our skills or time commitment, causing the dilemma of the “All or Nothing Marriage.” This results in fewer great marriages today, and many more average and weaker marriages. He concluded that it is certainly not wrong to have high expectations for a very strong and personally-fulfilling marriage, but we have to decide if the time it takes is worth it to us. Each couple makes their choice. Many factors compete for our time today. Ruth Haley Barton, in her book Sacred Rhythms, says “technology has a way of compromising our ability to be present to ourselves, God, and each other.” She describes the vicious cycle of having less and less meaningful connections, and responding by filling our loneliness with more and more noise and stimulation. Although we cannot change society, we can reduce the speed of our merry-go-round, and re-prioritize our lives to put God and marriage first. Most of us desire both marriage and happiness, but we are misled when we expect marriage to make us happy. When I moped around, expecting my happiness to come from my husband or marriage, I locked myself out of a solution. Our happiness starts with God. Looking anywhere else for our contentment is a recipe for personal and relational disaster.

The words of Jeremiah son of Hilkiah, one of the priests at Anathoth in the territory of Benjamin. he word of the Lord came to him in the thirteenth year of the reign of Josiah son of Amon king of udah, 3 and through the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah king of Judah, down to the fifth month he eleventh year of Zedekiah son of Josiah king of Judah, when the people of Jerusalem went into e he Call of Jeremiah 4 The word of the Lord came to me, saying, 5 “Before I formed you in the wom new[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” 6 “Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.” 7 But the Lord said me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I comm ou. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. 9 Then th ord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mo 0 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overLetting Word work in us hrow, to build and to plant.” 11 The word ofandthe thethrough Lord came to me: “What do you see, Jeremiah?” “ us. ee the branch of an almond tree,” I replied. 12 The Lord said to me, “You have seen correctly, for I atching[b] to see that my word is fulfilled.” 13 The word of the Lord came to me again: “What do ou see?” “I see a pot that is boiling,” I answered. “It is tilting toward us from the north.” 14 The ord said to me, “From the north disaster will be poured out on all who live in the land. 15 I am abo ummon all the peoples of the northern kingdoms,” declares the Lord. “Their kings will come and se heir thrones in the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem; they will come against all her surrounding alls and against all the towns of Judah. 16 I will pronounce my judgments on my people because o heir wickedness in forsaking me, in burning incense to other gods and in worshiping what their han have made. 17 “Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be errified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron illar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its offici

GOD’S WORD FROM YOUR MOUTH

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by Jill Briscoe

Are you lost for wise words to heal a hurt or right a wrong? Do you wish that you knew just what to say to convince someone who doesn’t know the Lord to love Him like you do? Would you give anything to be able to easily comfort the grieving or fearful? When I see what is going on in society, I long to shout loud enough to be heard. And when I feel frustrated with my own ability to argue effectively for Christ and His kingdom, I have learned to lean on God for encouragement and some word that will truly make a difference. I apply Scripture to myself, returning to God’s words to Jeremiah. For example, “Let the one who has my word speak it faithfully” (Jer. 23:28). God told Jeremiah that a true spokesman for God is required to be faithful, not necessarily successful. Our job is to pass on the truth of His Word, not ours, persistently, day by day. Do you ever feel lost for words? You don’t need to if you are a child of God. You can speak God’s truth faithfully all of your life.

WHEN GOD’S WORD “HAPPENS” TO YOU The Lord first gave messages to Jeremiah during the reign of Josiah when Jeremiah was about eighteen years old. He continued to give Jeremiah messages until the people were taken away into captivity. That was a period of about forty years. That’s quite a testimony! In his own words Jeremiah testifies, “The word of the LORD came to me” (Jer. 1:4). “Came to” literally means “happened to.” Think about it. The word of the Lord continued to “happen to” Jeremiah for over forty years. That’s a lot of “happenings”! It became a living reality within him. God’s Word made things happen, but it was also a happening in itself. The Word of God gripped him; it possessed him. Does this describe your experience as you have your morning devotions? Or is this just for the Jeremiahs of the world? No, it’s for you and me—all who know the Lord and would make Him known.

HIS WORD IS LIKE A HAMMER

see what is going on in society, I long to shout loud enough to be heard. And when I feel frustrated with my own ability to argue effectively for Christ and His kingdom, I have learned to lean on God for encouragement and some word that will truly make a difference.

Have you ever had the experience of God’s Word hammering away at your conscience? I have. When I first came to the States, I resisted getting involved with the women’s work at church. I didn’t particularly enjoy women and much preferred working with teenagers. However, God does not allow us to choose to work with those we much prefer! He wanted me to work with women. It was one of those secondary callings He had in mind for me. I reluctantly answered an invitation to go to Memphis, Tennessee, and speak at a women’s retreat. I had no other reason to go than that Stuart knew of the work and encouraged me to go. A wonderful woman who loved working with women led the retreat. Just my luck, I thought to myself, watching her surreptitiously. She’s going to know I don’t want to be here. I was right. She did know because my attitude was showing. She spoke to me at the end of the conference. “You are a good speaker technically, Jill, but it’s obvious you don’t like women!” “Ouch!” I replied. “You’re right, and what’s more I’ve no intention of liking them because if I do, I’m afraid God will just give me a whole lot more of them to like!” I was really disturbed about that incident. When I got home, I spent some time with God and dared to ask Him to speak to me from His Word about it. A word from Lamentations “came to” or “happened to” me that night: “Mine eye affecteth mine heart because of all the daughters of my city,” lamented Jeremiah (Lam. 3:51, KJV). Here was a man lamenting over women, while this woman—me—cared little about her own kind. Jeremiah’s heart was broken for the daughters of Jerusalem and their grim state. Mine was not. But I could give God permission to take the hammer of His Word and break my heart as well. And that is exactly what I did that night. I prayed that God would let “my eye” affect “my heart” when I looked at the women of my city, that I would feel and see what He did, and that I would do everything I could to reach them. The release was palpable, and I began fulfilling one of my secondary callings that day. Starting with six women in a home investigative Bible study, God gave me a heart for women that has resulted in reaching thousands of women around the world with His Word today. All He wants is for you to say, “Break my heart, God,” and He will. He will use the hammer of His Word on the anvil of your life, and you will find Jeremiah’s experience to be yours. “My eyes fail 31

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The Word of God broke Jeremiah’s heart. He described God’s Word as “like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces” (Jer. 23:29). It made him stagger like a drunken man. “My heart is broken within me; all my bones tremble. I am like a drunken man, like a strong man overcome by wine, because of the LORD and his holy words” (Jer. 23:9). Well before God’s Word ever touched other people’s lives, it touched Jeremiah.

When I

from weeping, I am in torment within, my heart is poured out on the ground because my people are destroyed” (Lam. 2:11). If God’s Word dwells in us richly, we will live and work with a broken heart—and it will show.

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HIS WORD IS LIKE A FIRE God told Jeremiah that His Word that hammered home the truth could also be described as a fire. “Is not my word like fire?” asks the Lord (Jer. 23:29). As Jeremiah began faithfully preaching the words God gave him, he ran into a whole lot of trouble. The people didn’t want a “God-happening” in their lives. When the Word “happened through” Jeremiah to the people of Israel, they not only rejected it, they rejected the one who delivered it as well. “The word of the LORD has brought me insult and reproach all day long. But if I say, ‘I will not mention him or speak any more in his name,’ his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot” (Jer. 20:8-9). When the Word happens to us, it “fires us up,” and we cannot contain it even if it brings us a whole lot of trouble. So how exactly does the Word come to us? How did the Word of the Lord come to Jeremiah? Did he hear a human voice? Did he fall into a deep sleep and have a dream? I don’t think God spoke to Jeremiah in a dream because in chapter 23 the Lord tells Jeremiah what He thinks about the dreams of false prophets. Listen to what God says: “I have heard what the prophets say who prophesy lies in my name. They say, ‘I had a dream! I had a dream!’ How long will this continue in the hearts of these lying prophets, who prophesy the delusions of their own minds?...Let the prophet who has a dream tell his dream, but let the one who has my word speak it faithfully” (Jer. 23:25-26, 28). When God truly speaks, His Word is invested with self-existent power able to transform what it touches. The recipients become so sure of its truth that they let it do its life-shattering, transforming work. Then they find themselves ignited with the fire of God. They are driven to open their mouths and let it “happen” to others, or they “burn up” trying to contain it. For those of us living today, the Word of the Lord has been written down. We don’t have to rely on dreams or voices from the heavens. We can read the Bible for ourselves and relay it to others. As we read the written Word, it should make our knees tremble. It should break our hearts. It should benefit its hearers and light a fire under 32

As we read the written Word, it should make our knees tremble. It should break our hearts. It should benefit its hearers and light a fire under us so that it “happens” to us; it drives us on until it “happens” to others. We need to let the written Word do its own dynamic work in us, to us, and through us.

us so that it “happens” to us; it drives us on until it “happens” to others. We need to let the written Word do its own dynamic work in us, to us, and through us. When you read the written Word of God, do you believe what it tells you about itself? That it is, indeed, the Word of God to you today? Does it come dynamically to you each time you read it so that you can never be the same again? Perhaps it came to you once with the kind of power I have been describing, but now that reality is like a dream in itself. You can hardly remember what it was like when the Word “happened” to you last. Let me encourage you from my own experience. There have been times in my life when I have not allowed the Word to break my heart. I have read the Bible with others in mind and avoided the painful practice of letting the Word refine me like a fire. To use another picture, God has fed me with bread from heaven, but I have not cleaned up my plate. Too many times I have lost my appetite, and the Word has been neither my delight nor my desire. But God has always been faithful to face me with my spiritual anorexia and set me off collecting my daily manna morning by morning again. It is never too late to start again, for “his compassions never fail. They are new every morning” (Lam. 3:22-23). He has put “His words in my mouth.” In the measure that I have been faithful to speak it out, God has honored His Word as He promised to do. “As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it” (Isa. 55:10-11). Thus says the Lord! Chiseled by the Word of God that happened to my heart Shattered by the truth I know you want me to impart Broken by the Word of power that had first broken me Drawn by the fire of God to speak and set it free. Excerpted from Faith Enough to Finish by Jill Briscoe. ©2001 by Jill Briscoe. All rights reserved. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois. Used with permission.

Want to Know More? about going deeper in God’s Word? Go to justbetweenus.org/God’sWord for resources to help you walk more closely with Christ through God’s Word.

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is my teen

Depressed or just being a

Teenager? A parent’s guide to teenage depression.

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by Dr. Gary Gregg

As a clinical psychologist, one of the more difficult diagnoses to make is that of depression in a teenager. After all, what teenager isn’t periodically irritable, moody, or feeling hopeless? To determine if the signs and symptoms a teen is displaying are indicative of a diagnosis of clinical depression, several factors need to be present. The essential feature of major depression is “a period of at least two weeks during which there is either a depressed mood or the loss of interest or pleasure in nearly all activities” (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health, Fifth Edition). In addition, at least five (or more) of the following symptoms have to be present during the same twoweek period and, represent a change from previous functioning. 1. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day (e.g., feels sad, empty, and hopeless). However in children and adolescents, it can be an irritable mood. 2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day. 3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than five percent of body weight in a month), or decrease in appetite nearly every day. 4. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day. 5. A physical agitation or retardation nearly every day.

6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day. 7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate shame nearly every day. 8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. 9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), or recurrent thoughts of suicide. In general, the symptoms cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning, like school for example. This is where we are all thinking that every teenager experiences sadness or loss of interest from time to time. It is important to point out that depression is different from those occasional feelings. What differentiates clinical depression from typical teenage behavior is the duration of the symptoms and their impact on functioning. If a teenager is shown to be struggling in multiple contexts (academically or socially), it is more likely that he or she is experiencing a clinical depression rather than typical teenage angst. A teacher or a coach may report that they have noticed a significant change in the teenager; that they are more irritable or have noticed that the teen displays a lack of interest in the classroom or on the athletic field. Furthermore, the change(s) are significant enough that they are observed by several people

in their life. To further complicate the matter, what a depressed teen will often show parents is not sadness, but an “in-yourfaceness.” This is when an unsuspecting adult may react and rage back or even withdraw thinking the teen is simply being disrespectful when he or she may actually be depressed. Let’s look briefly at the causes of clinical depression. The etiology of depression involves both a genetic and environmental component. As all of us, including teenagers, can be genetically predisposed to problems like heart disease or cancer, so can we be predisposed to problems like depression and anxiety. Family history is very important when determining teenage depression. If a family member has struggled with depression, it is more likely that the teenager may develop a clinical depression. I call these genetic predispositions, “sticks of dynamite.” Life or the environmental component can flick matches at these sticks of dynamite. If a teen grows up in a relatively safe and normal environment, there are few stressors or life experiences that would trigger the manifestation of a clinical depression. However when life gets bigger, stressors increase for the teenager—e.g. academic pressures, peer pressures, family problems—so the genetic predisposition or stick of dynamite is now lit and a clinical depression can develop. In addition, traumas like neglect, abuse, divorce, illness, or death of a family member quite obviously can contribute to depression as well.

A Spiritual Perspective vs. “Spiritualizing”

As a psychologist who practices from a Christian worldview, I have seen a lot of damage done to our young brothers and sisters in Christ when we spiritualize away someone who is suffering from depression. To suggest to a teenager who is clinically depressed that they “just need to trust God for their happiness and they will no longer be depressed” will not only exacerbate the depression, it will also produce shame. Shame makes us want to hide. We don’t want teenagers to hide how they are feeling as this can lead to a sense of hopelessness and thoughts of self-harm or suicide. A diagnosed, clinical depression is by definition a chemical imbalance. Areas of the brain that normally release chemicals that elevate our mood no longer function properly in a depressed brain. This is a condition that is no more in the teenager’s control than balancing one’s blood sugar is in the control of a diabetic. It is most helpful to offer the teen a spiritual perspective where we provide hope by helping them trust the Lord through the tough times in their life, and encouraging and praying for them to hold onto the truths of the Scriptures even when their feelings are betraying them (Prov. 3:5-6). It is not unusual that treatment of clinical depression involves counseling and medication. A teen may report feeling better after their counseling session or after an encouraging time with a friend, but they struggle to hold on to the things talked about. It resembles a bucket with holes in it—as long as something good is going in the bucket they can feel fine.

How do we help?

1. If the teen is displaying signs and symptoms of depression, it is always best to have an evaluation done by their pediatrician, child and adolescent psychiatrist, or nurse practitioner. 2. Counseling can help the teen learn new ways of thinking and develop more adaptive behaviors and strategies to cope with the depression. 3. Provide hope through prayer, support, and encouragement. 4. Point them to Jesus—let them borrow your strength until it becomes their own again. 5. Help the teen develop and utilize a support system—depression is lonely. 6. Encourage exercise. Exercise can help improve their mood by a natural release of the chemicals in the brain that elevate mood. 7. Help them eat a healthy diet and develop regular/consistent sleep cycles. 8. Stay connected to your teenager. This is easier said than done. Teens will often withhold personal information from parents as a function of their normal struggle to be independent. Don’t give up; be intentional about looking for the signs and symptoms of depression. In summary, raising teens can be a test of our faith without having to deal with the possibility of depression. Given a teenager’s developmental stage toward independence, along with their tendency to offer one-word answers to our “annoying” questions, we have to be alert to the signs and symptoms of depression. With the rise of teenage suicide, we can’t afford to ignore the signs. Stay connected to your teenager and his life. The good news is that teenage depression is very treatable. The bad news is that we don’t do a very good job at recognizing it. Lastly, raising teenagers in today’s world can be scary. Remember teenagers are scared too; they won’t tell you, but they are—it’s a big new world they are trying to navigate. We need to be faithful to pray and ask for the Lord’s protection. Oh, and it’s not a bad idea to ask for a whole lot of wisdom and discernment as well.

Dr. Gary Gregg is owner and Clinical Director of the Genesis Counseling Group, S.C., a private practice in Elm Grove, Wis. He is an adjunct faculty member at the Wisconsin School of Professional Psychology and has been actively involved in clinical research. Affiliations include the American Association of Christian Counselors, the American Psychological Association, and the National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology. Dr. Gregg has over 25 years of experience in the field of clinical psychology. Additionally, he serves on the council of elders at his church. He and his wife, Kim, have three children and they live in Brookfield, Wis.

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Treatment of Depression

When the everyday stresses of life occur, they tend to allow the good experiences and feelings to leak out leaving them unable to hold on to anything useful. The function of the medicine (antidepressant) is to close the holes in the bucket so that what is put in stays and can be utilized by the person to help cope with their depression.

Six people died in the Seattle church I served in the first year. A veteran pastor invited me to breakfast to share how he ministered to families in grief. As we watched the boats in the harbor and sipped coffee, he encouraged me. Within three months he was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Two months later Jon was dead. Before he died, I heard him say, “When life is threatened, little things mean more than before.” That stuck with me. Ever since then I have looked for small ways to say to those approaching death, “I care.” Just this week I stopped to see Willie. Doctors told him he had less than a year to live. On one of my visits Willie said he used to play saxophone with a jazz quintet, so I found an album for Willie. I wanted to say I cared. Often I’ll photocopy a graphic torn from a magazine or the yellow pages to create a piece of unique stationary that calls to mind an individual’s hobby or interest. On that customized letterhead I’ll scratch a personal note. I’ve found that personal notes are one of the most meaningful small ways I can show the dying that I care. A handwritten note need not be long, but its shelf life is. People can tuck it in a book or drawer and read it over and over again.

MAKING PERSONAL VISITS PERSONAL Written reminders of our prayer and concern, though important, are not sufficient. A dying person longs for companionship and visits from the pastor and his wife, family, and friends.

Madeleine L’Engle in her book The Summer of the Great Grandmother reflects on her mother’s death. She insists that dying, by definition, must be experienced in community. “Death is not a do-it-yourself activity.” As death creeps closer, my visits increase. For home visits I stay less than a half-hour. In the hospital I stay ten minutes or less. More important to the dying than the time we stay is what we do while we’re there. Physical touch is powerful and sacramental. It is an outward sign that you, as caregiver, are entering into their pain. Holding a person’s hand, patting their cheek, or gently placing your hand on their fevered brow conveys much. For a Christian, nothing penetrates the heart like Scripture. When I read Scripture, I have found it means a great deal to read a favorite passage of the sick person. Discovering those treasured portions is as simple as asking. These favorite Scriptures can be noted for use in the person’s funeral service later.

Shepherding in the

SHADOW OF DEATH

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Helping people face death with grace and hope.

by Greg Asimakoupoulos

Often my visits are musical. You could play a favorite CD of uplifting Christian songs. I’ve found singing or listening to them, can be a means of encouraging a dying person’s faith. A familiar tune and cherished words can enlarge the faith housed within a shriveled frame and give assurance. When I pray, along with asking God to minimize physical discomfort and envelop the patient with a sense of His presence, I help the person turn their eyes and hopes on the glory that awaits them. Some shy away from the Lord’s Prayer as a mechanical ritual, but I often incorporate it into my prayers with the dying. Familiar words are especially meaningful near death. I have watched parched, lifeless lips begin to move to the cadence of my voice as I recite, “Our Father who art in heaven …” A prayer repeated since childhood can engage the mind of someone decreasingly aware of the present.

THE SOUL OF THE VISIT

HOME AND FAMILY Many are now finding, when it’s time to die, there is no place like home. In many communities, hos-

When my father was dying seven years ago, the principles I practiced as a pastor were tested in a deeply personal way. Gratefully, I discovered that my approach to pastoral care in the church I served was also appropriate in the home in which I’d been raised. As my dad took his final breath, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no regrets about the way I had helped care for him. The sting of death was eased by the knowledge that I had made the most of those final few weeks. Just as stinging bees produce honey, so the following “be”s can help sweeten the reality of saying goodbye. BE PRESENT. Don’t make excuses for not visiting a loved one or a friend whose days are numbered. If you live nearby determine you will make the effort to drop by on a regular basis. Your presence is more important than presents in brightly-wrapped packages, phone calls, text messages, or greeting cards. BE AWARE. As you enter the room of the terminally ill person, make note of the situation. Take your cues from what you see. Is your friend in pain? Is she in good spirits? Are there too many others in the room? If so, it just might be best to leave and come back later. If you feel it’s appropriate to stay, limit your visit to 5 to 10 minutes. BE BOLD. Regardless of your family member or friend’s spiritual condition, confidently express your gratitude that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Speak up and share a Bible verse that has been a source of comfort to you in difficult times. Psalm 23 and excerpts from Romans 8 are often appreciated. If singing is something you feel comfortable doing, softly sing a hymn or two. Choose lyrics that speak of Heaven. Songs like Blessed Assurance, Softly and Tenderly or Amazing Grace are good ones. Before you leave, offer a brief prayer thanking God for being our hope in life and in death. BE QUIET. There is nothing wrong with sitting in silence beside the person you are visiting. Simon and Garfunkle aren’t the only ones who celebrate the inarticulate beauty found in the sounds of silence. Depending on your relationship with the dying individual, you may want to hold their hand as you sit by their side. If there is a bottle of body lotion nearby, ask if you can massage their hands or feet. BE CANDID. In all likelihood the person you are calling on knows their days are numbered. There is no need to offer false hope by saying things like “When you get better we can go to the ballet” or “I’m praying you’ll soon be back on your feet.” Rather, communicate your excitement that you’ll be seeing them again in Heaven before too long. Express gratitude for what that person has meant to you. Make mention of special memories you’ve made. ~Greg Asimakoupoulos

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An essential part of my care to those nearing death is to prepare them not only for death but for eternity. Many who face death, however, are afraid to acknowledge the topic. I have found it helpful simply to ask: “Are you afraid of what’s ahead?” “How are you feeling about leaving your family?” or “Do you feel ready to meet the Lord?” These opening questions give a dying person an opportunity to express their desire for assurance. I can’t assume a person who attends church has a strong sense of peace and assurance about life after death. I’ve made it my policy to quote familiar Scriptures of assurance such as Psalm 23, John 14, Romans 8, and 1 Corinthians 15. Such passages indicate God’s companionship is available on the other side. Reading these Scriptures can water their parched faith. I will read the same verses when I am not sure where a person stands with God. This enables them to see the benefits to which a believer is entitled. I don’t want to give them false assurance if they have not received Christ as Savior. But asking about their fears and hopes allows me to probe their spiritual status. Such probing requires creativity, sensitivity to the circumstances, a sense of timing, and courage to “just do it.” Every person is different.

Parting Can Be Such Sweet Sorrow

encouragement / real

faith

The Blessing of the Backpacks by Hannah Buchanan

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Hannah Buchanan is on staff at Munger Place Church in Dallas, Tex. She is currently working on a Master’s of Social Work as a result of working with the youth on Chicago’s south and west sides. Additionally, Hannah is married to Ryan and she enjoys reading and exploring deeper issues of systemic racism, poverty, and justice.

It didn’t take long to spot the new faces at church. Many of the moms with young kids didn’t speak English. I welcomed them to church, grateful for my high school Spanish classes, and told them today was a special Sunday! Normally, their children could go next door for childcare and they could attend the service. I even gave them a mug, our newcomer gift, thinking this would get them really excited! At our church, the Sunday before school starts is “The Blessing of the Backpacks.” We promote it to the whole neighborhood. Kids bring their backpacks, and come forward at the end to receive prayer. I thought our new guests were simply starting the school year off right–trying out the church on the corner. But moments before the service started, a colleague of mine rushed into the sanctuary. “Hannah, there are families here who think we are giving out backpacks and school supplies! They think that is ‘The Blessing of the Backpacks.’” Imagine my embarrassment when I realized I’d been cross communicating with our visitors. They came looking for school supplies, and I gave them a mug. In that moment, we had a choice. Apologize for the misunderstanding and send them away empty handed–or improvise. We invited those who came seeking backpacks and supplies to meet after the service, and we asked the congregation who had time and money, to do the same. What happened next was unbelievable. In the book of Acts, Luke describes the community of Christ-followers that formed together in the wake

of Jesus’ resurrection and return to heaven. He writes: All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals… and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need…all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved (Acts 2:42-47, NLT). At the end of the service, we were flooded with people! Cries of, “What do you need?” and “We can help! Put us to work!” echoed, as $20 bills and checks were stuffed into my hands. I watched as Spanish speakers engaged our visitors, asking families what grade children were in and what supplies were needed. One little girl from our church came forward with her brand-new backpack, offering it to a child about her age. In this moment, the centuries and differences between the early church and us grew thin. Is this what Luke was describing in Acts 2? Kate Jenkins is a parishioner who came forward to give. She was matched with a family that had four children here and a few more at home. Kate spent the afternoon shopping for uniforms and backpacks. A few days ago, I asked her why she stepped forward to share her resources. Here’s what she said: I reflected on how I had spent my afternoon the day before finding the right pair of jeans from a favorite store. I had endless options for one article of clothing, but this child had few. I walked down the aisle thinking I would donate some money. Instead, I was immediately connected with

the family that sat in front of me during the service. My “one backpack” turned into a wardrobe for a small village of children. As I drove from store to store, I imagined the mother and grandma that showed up with the flock of children, and how they must love those kids. How many mothers would show up to a church that didn’t speak their language, where they didn’t know anyone, with the hope that someone might have resources? These ladies were really taking a leap of faith. Because of Kate’s generosity and people like her, we were able to build friendships and fill the backpacks of almost 40 kids. And while this story is sweet, it reflects a deeper complexity we wrestle with at our church. What does it actually look like to love East Dallas? How do we facilitate friendship between the wealthy and poor in a way that transcends the power gap that exists outside our doors? How do we include our Spanish-speaking neighbors in our church when we don’t share the same language? You’re thinking, “The church should start a Spanish-speaking service” or “the church should host a school supply drive next year.” These things are a start, but living into the answers requires all of us to be the church; not just go to church. When we say “the church,” it must mean you, your friends, Kate Jenkins, and the family seated in front of her, not just the paid staff. We want to be an Acts 2 community. In the meantime, I wonder: How often do people come into our churches looking for school supplies–something to equip them for the next seven days–and we give them a mug instead?

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Refreshing Your Soul:

encouragement / chronic

hope

He Gets It by Adriana Hayes

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Adriana Hayes is a freelance illustrator, professor, writer, and speaker who finds joy in helping others discover how God can bring “chronic hope” into their lives. She lives in Milwaukee, Wis., with her husband, Chris, and daughter, Promise.

Visit my sites! chronichopeblog. wordpress.com or madebyadri.com

There’s been a dramatic shift in my understanding of the cross… on this day we call Good Friday. My parents are Christians and so the crucifixion and resurrection were familiar to me from early on. I remember as a small child growing so frustrated that Jesus didn’t just call down His angels from heaven to rescue Him off the cross and “show those bad guys” who was boss. In elementary school and high school, I attended a private Christian school, and began to understand a little better why Jesus had to stay on that cross. I started to learn about life, death, love, and sacrifice. But I’d still frequently ask myself, “But why the cross specifically?” Why a cross? Why a death so agonizing and brutal? Couldn’t Jesus just have died in His sleep, right? I started unlocking the answer to this question when I was around 10-12 years old. I had endless weeks in the hospital and four spine surgeries, too many complications to count, and nerve damage that would significantly impact me for the rest of my life. All of these things began to teach me why the cross was so important. The answer revealed itself in the form of my own physical pain. Specifically, I remember being alone in my hospital bed one night. My dad, most likely, was sleeping on the couch/chair next to me, but I felt so alone. I was exhausted and tired of hearing people say they were “sorry about what I was going through.” How sorry could they really feel for me when they had never experienced the pain that I was experiencing?

That’s when I decided to start talking to Jesus. From everything I had heard growing up, the pain He went through while being crucified sounded much worse than mine, so maybe He was capable of understanding mine. I found peace and

The cross is the most beautiful picture of what is possible through pain and suffering. comfort there in those quiet heart conversations that I had with Him amid the humming and beeping of machines. I’ve continued to wake up each morning with progressively more physical pain than the day before. I’ve kept up this habit of talking to Jesus about it—He really does hear me. I’ve grown to realize the necessity of why He died the brutal death that He did. I think it was in part for people like me who struggle constantly with pain. I can tell you honestly that I would have no interest in serving a God who had never experienced the pain that is capable in this human body. But my God doesn’t. He came down and took on the same flesh I have. I think God knew we’d need that. I think He knew He’d need to suffer

the most agonizing and excruciating death possible, so that I’d believe that He really “gets it.” And that His pain wasn’t wasted, but was redeemed in the most perfect way possible. The cross is the most beautiful picture of what is possible through pain and suffering. And do you know what I find even more amazing? He kept His nail scars! Even in His redeemed body He decided to keep a visual reminder that He knows our pain. And the Bible says He’s up there, seated at the right hand of God, advocating for us because He gets it. Romans 8:34 says, “Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.” So as I laid in bed last night, contemplating the complexities of Good Friday once again, I realize afresh how personal His death was. The wood that this crucifix was made out of was olive wood. This leads historians to believe that this crucifixion took place at eye level, because olive trees do not grow very tall. While this in no way indicates what type of wood Jesus’ cross was made from, it struck me tonight (again) how personal Jesus’ death was. He got down and died “at eye level” for us, so not only would we know He understands our pain, but also that beauty can come out of it. And that is why I will never just gloss over Good Friday, but instead contemplate it, and be eternally grateful for it.

the deeper life / encouragement

Hold That Thought! by Melva L. Henderson

Visit my sites! Melvahenderson.org, worldoutreachbtc.org

Casting down in the Greek means “to throw down with force,” like a king who has been dethroned, or a wrestler who is violently slammed to the ground by his opponent. The Word of God is the muscle we use to bring our thoughts to the obedience of Christ. By using the Word of God we replace our thoughts, and any other thoughts, with God’s. Instead of thinking the worst, the Word helps us think the best. “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue,

have it. We argued over all kinds of “important” things like who should have killed a centipede crawling on the kitchen wall! It’s comical now, but back then it wasn’t. This is a simple example, but the examples can be much more extreme sometimes. G o d do esn’t w ant neg at ive thoughts cluttering our mind. He wants us to “cast down” or eradicate those thoughts. When we don’t, we act out in ways inconsistent with who we are in Christ. “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5, KJV).

and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (Phil. 4:8, KJV). Let the Word of God work in your life! Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a mental battle, wait for the Word to rise up. It’s on the way. I like what Joyce Meyer said, “you’ve got another think coming” so wait for it. Don’t act on the negative; the positive always comes, if you give place to the Word of God in your life. Today, you may have marvelous opportunities to let your mind “take off.” Don’t do it! Put the weight of the Word on your mind, act on what you see in God’s Word, and you’ll come out winning God’s way!

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Melva L. Henderson is an author and speaker. Additionally, she is the founder of The Milwaukee Give, a humanitarian outreach, and co-founder of World Outreach and Bible Training Center Inc. Melva is wife to pastor Ervin L. Henderson, mother of five, and grandmother of two. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

Lately I’ve been hearing the adage, “Sin will take you further than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.” Believe it or not, the same is true of our thoughts. If allowed, our thoughts will take us further than we need to go, keep us longer than we need to stay, and when acted on, cost us more than we want to pay. There are many enemies in life. If I surveyed people asking who they think their enemies are I can guarantee the majority of the answers would fall under two categories: the devil and other people. One enemy people often miss is the “within-aME,” the enemy of our own mind. Of all the wars the world has ever known, no war has been in existence as long as the war on the mind. If we’re going to grow as believers, we must learn the importance of controlling our thoughts; we can’t be “cerebral renegades.” Our thought life is very powerful; it has the potential to move us into success or to drive us to absolute failure. Because of our thoughts people can reject Christ, lives can be destroyed, and relationships can be cut off. If our thoughts are not trained to consistently draw from God’s Word, then our actions won’t align with the Word because what we think about, we bring about. When my husband and I first married if there was a disagreement, he wanted to “deal with it later” and I needed to talk it out right then and there. After 21 years of marriage, I know better now, but back then “deal with it later” meant he wouldn’t address the issue at all.

Because I didn’t want to “put him on the corner of the roof ” (Prov. 25:24), to my frustration, I would leave him alone. Unfortunately, the problem typically escalated because I was left alone with my thoughts and I would have a full-blown confrontation with him in my mind. I allowed my mind to take me further than I needed to go and once I got out there the devil peddled thoughts stronger than my own, “He doesn’t love you…he doesn’t care that you were left to deal with this alone.” I would feed on every word the enemy presented and before I knew it I was in my husband’s face holding an iron skillet, ready to let him

encouragement / between

the pages

Spring 2016 Reading Picks by Elizabeth Murphy Christmas carols are playing in the background not because it’s Christmas yet, but because one of the books I am recommending points out the very special words from the carol, O Little Town of Bethlehem, “the hopes and fears of all my years are met in thee tonight.” I am listening to it and celebrating how the profound truth buried in this often-overlooked song, Jesus, is the fulfillment of every hope we will ever have. We’ve never needed to be reminded of that more than now. Two of the books I am sharing are about hope for a current journey, a health crisis and a marriage crisis; and two speak of hope found in journeys past. Enjoy these books and read them slowly so you won’t miss the hope on the horizon of each one even when all seems lost.

FOR YOUR FAITH

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Elizabeth Murphy has been a sought-after speaker for the last 15 years. She serves on several non-profit boards, teaches a Bible study in her home church, and has authored several books, and recently is an aspiring blogger. She and her husband, Mike, have four sons and are grandparents to twins. They live in Brookfield, Wis.

Visit my site! espeaks.net

Joy in the Journey: Finding Abundance in the Shadow of Death by Steve and Sharol Hayner (InterVarsity Press, 2015) Steve and Sharol Hayner are in a good place in their marriage when Steve receives a life-altering diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. They wrote by taking turns describing how they felt both physically and spiritually as they did the hard work of waiting for results, trying different treatments, and dealing with what he calls the “in-your-face reminder of the nature of our broken world” called cancer. They speak candidly as both their lives and the lives of those around them are forever altered. I particularly appreciated the perspectives offered by their adult

children. I knew I was going to love this book when I read these words a few chapters in, “Many are praying for one of God’s ‘big’ miracles. We are as well. But it is not how God answers prayer that determines our response to God. God is committed to my ultimate healing. But being cured of cancer may or may not be part of that healing work.” Steve and Sharol lived in and wrote about the victory they already had in Jesus. I found hope on every page.

FOR YOUR HEART Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography by Jen and Craig Ferguson (Discovery House, 2014) I met Jen Feguson at a writer’s conference and knew instantly I had found a friend. This is a book she and her husband Craig wrote about their experience with the harsh reality of his pornography addiction, but it is about so much more. Jen and Craig shared great biblical insights and practical tools that will help any marriage. Reading their book, I developed a new and welcome understanding of this particular addiction, but more importantly learned about the destructive power of control, what it means to forgive, and how to rebuild trust. I use what I learned every day. We will never find hope in any relationship when we only look outward with expectations for the other person. What Jen and Craig Ferguson have written is a beautiful story of letting God bring the kind of change that makes for a very hopeful future.

FOR YOUR LIFE The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics by Daniel James Brown (Penguin, 2014) The Boys in the Boat is the true story of the 1936 Olympic team told through the eyes of Joe Rantz, a teenager growing up far from the elite sport of college rowing. I bought it in an airport bookstore planning to use the read-and-return policy, but couldn’t—there is too much hope here. The Great Depression is upon our country, Hitler is on the move, and Joe is experiencing a great depression of his own as his family and his future are falling apart. As the story unfolded, I was inspired by his endless capacity for forgiveness, his desire to excel, his patience with his father, his love for his siblings, his resourcefulness, and his ultimate surrender to the power of a team. I confess this story reminded me that hard times are never new, just different—and no matter what there is always hope.

JUST FOR FUN The Story of Beautiful Girl by Rachel Simon (Hatchette Book Group, 2011) This book is the fictional story of Lynnie and Buddy, residents of an institution for the developmentally disabled in the late 1960’s. It’s an enjoyable read about the fierce love these two have for each other, the deep devotion of an old woman for a young child, the undying commitment of an institutional employee to one promising young girl, and the fierce hope that spans decades.

digital wellness / encouragement

Get Out in Nature by Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd

Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd is a popular speaker, author, and life coach. She currently serves as the Founder and Executive Director of the Nation’s First Digital Wellness Center at Liberty University where she is teaching theology and a healthy use of technology.

• It improves sleep. Who doesn’t need more sleep? • It gets you moving. Helps you to take in your surroundings and exercise. • It increases immune function. You will be healthier. • It inspires creativity. It oxygenates your brain! • It helps you experience God. He speaks through His creation. In one study, 95 percent of those interviewed said their mood improved after spending time outside, changing from depressed, stressed, and anxious to more calm and balanced. It’s not surprising since God created this amazing world we live in and He created us to get out and experience it. Psalm 19:1-2 says, “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.” My favorite part of the day is when I get home from work and go sit outside in my rope hammock and take in the beauty of the trees, the water (I live on a lake), and the birds. It doesn’t matter how stressful my day has been; just going out into nature renews and revives me. (If you physically can’t get out in nature, studies show viewing images of nature can also benefit your health and well-being.)

So how about you? How could you be more intentional daily or weekly to get out into nature? Take a walk, or hike, feel the sun on your face; I guarantee it will be a breath of fresh air! Ways to get out in nature: • Exercise outside instead of going to the gym. • Have lunch outdoors. • Spend as much of your weekends as you can outdoors. • If you can’t get out in nature bring nature to you—get a plant for your home or office. • Set a timer on your phone to remind you to get up and go outside. The Mayo Clinic recommends that parents limit children’s exposure to screens—including computers, television, hand-held devices, and video games—to two hours per day. They are saying that more than that could have serious consequences, including obesity, behavioral problems, irregular sleep, violent tendencies, poor academic performance, and dampened creativity. Instead, encourage your child to engage with nature, whether that’s playing an outdoor sport, reading next to a window, or taking a walk with them around the block. Families can experience nature when they are driving in the car by having everyone turn off their devices, look out the window, and then share with each other the art of God that they are viewing. 43

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Visit my site! TheDigitalInvasion.com

As I teach and model steps to practice digital wellness in our daily lives, one of those steps is to get out in nature. Did you know that we are currently experiencing what experts are calling “Nature Deficit Disorder,” or N.D.D. for short? It’s true! Today our plugged-in connection to our devices is keeping many of us from taking breaks and getting out into nature. According to research, “people today spend up to 25 percent less time enjoying nature than people did just 20 years ago.” This nature deprivation is defined as a lack of time in the natural world, largely due to hours spent looking down at screens. It has been associated, unsurprisingly, with depression. Studies also show that without regular immersion in nature, we can suffer physical and emotional distress, including anxiety, depression, and obesity. It seems that the more stressed out and busy we get, the less time we have to experience time in nature. Poet John Keats once wrote, “The poetry of the earth is never dead.” I’ve heard people call it “Vitamin N” because time spent in nature offers us many benefits and can also have profound effects on our brains. “Modern multitasking overtaxes brain areas that are involved in suppressing distractions, thinking creatively, and developing a sense of identity,” says David Strayer, Ph.D., a neural scientist at the University of Utah. “Getting out into nature allows those parts of the brain to restore and replenish themselves.” Some benefits of getting into nature: • It reduces stress and anxiety. It has a calming effect. • It treats depression. It is a great mood lifter.

encouragement / mentoring

moments

Training Women to be Equals by Anita Carman

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Anita Carman is the Founder and President of Inspire Women, an organization that inspires women across ethnicities, denominations, and economic levels to connect their lives to God’s purpose. She lives in Houston, Tex., with her husband, Robert; they have two sons.

Visit my site! inspirewomen.org

“I welcome you as an equal!” At 16, my sons got their first drivers’ licenses. At 18, they voted for the first time. Now in their twenties, they work hard to support themselves. I don’t know exactly when it happened but, it’s clear in looking at them now, that at some point in between all those moments, they had grown up. Not in age, necessarily, but in maturity. Not in knowledge about the world, but in the wisdom to confront it. Gone were the days when I felt the need to warn them about life. While once I might have been their rock, they have grown to where we have become each other’s rocks. When I look at them now, I swell with pride to see the men they have become, but I can’t help but wonder–did this development just happen or are leaders grown through intention and a vision of the end goal in mind? Recently at a staff meeting at Inspire Women, I reminded the team that as long as they are serving with us, they will be trained to think like a leader. We often instruct them to “put on their leadership hat.” At Inspire Women, putting on your leadership hat means acting selflessly and in the best interest of the organization and the mission that it serves. It means thinking globally about how a new policy or change will affect the ministry as a whole or God’s kingdom as a whole, rather than how it may affect any one individual personally. The reason we stress leadership-oriented thinking so highly is because our objective is to train up selfless individuals that we can be proud of to send out to serve in any organization or minis-

try around the world. These women are individuals who not only have more than a proficiency in various tasks, but they have the vision and drive to be a benefit to any organization. In the same way a graduate of West Point conjures up the image of excellence and a discipline to finish well, my prayer is that students and leaders that have spent time at Inspire Women will one day conjure up images of selflessness, effectiveness, and sold-out devotion to God with the courage to boldly lead their flock wherever God is directing. In order to do so, I believe it’s important to have a clear vision of what the student will look like when the training is complete. For us, the core competencies we pray to impart to any woman in our programs are: 1. A humble spirit. A humble spirit to serve as a servant, meaning no matter how gifted you are, you believe your gifts are entrusted to you by God and you accept them with humility and an accountability to use them responsibly for the benefit of others.

2. Ability to finish what you started. A tenacity to finish what you started, meaning you have the staying power and the discipline to keep going in spite of setbacks.

3. Serving out of God’s love for you. Experiencing a joy that

comes from serving from a heart that overflows with God’s love for you, meaning you are not on a performance treadmill trying to earn approval, but you serve out of giving your life back to God who first loved you abundantly. I recall the day God called me out to lead my own Sunday school class after serving as a leader in Beth Moore’s class for seven years. On that day, she said to me, “Today, I welcome you as an equal.” I did not understand her words of affirmation then, but I fully understand them now. I believe this statement should be the end goal of any developer of leadership potential. As I ponder God’s words in Matthew 25:21, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” the statement carries an intimate dimension when I think of the end goal to develop leaders who are not hired help, but serve as God’s sons and daughters to mirror His values and mission. In the same way the day came when I could look my sons in the eyes adult-to-adult and say to them, “I welcome you as an equal,” I pray for the day when I can look to all the staff of Inspire Women, and we can all welcome each other as equals to share the challenges of changing this world for Christ.

2016 conference hosted by

magazine

WITH JILL BRISCOE

For every woman who desires to go deeper in her faith and influence others.

OCTOBER 4-6, 2016

Conference highlights include worship led by recording artist Stephanie Seefeldt, a variety of seminars, a Wednesday Night Banquet, 570 acres of rolling hills and lakes to walk, bike and play, and a coffee shop.

International Speaker and Author

at Forest Springs Camp and Conference Center Westboro, WI

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“I just want one more day.” “Came depleted, left energized.” “Going home with a renewed spirit.” SPACE IS LIMITED SO REGISTER EARLY! You can register online at:

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Messy Marriages (continued from p 29)

Shepherding in the Shadow of Death (continued from p 37)

Commitment is the old-fashioned, but effective choice that provides us a reason to stay together although we are not always madly in love or even getting along. It gives us glue that sticks us together through difficult seasons. Ohio State did a study of unhappy married couples, where half of the couples divorced and the other half remained married. When polled again in five years, 84 percent of those who had been unhappy but did not divorce, were happy. These couples were committed to sticking it out through their season of difficulty and experienced happiness again on the other side. When we are going through a difficult stretch in marriage, we tend to think that is the way it will be forever. This study and the outcomes of many women who take my classes, defy that thinking. I feel a little guilty for laying all these truths about marriage on you, as I remember how overwhelming it can be, from a marriage in pain, to hear about all the possibilities for help. It made me feel guilty as well as responsible for the well-being of my marriage. What I would now say to my former self would be: “Kathy, just focus on God and your own well-being. Take charge of your own life, don’t focus on changing your marriage, but get healthy yourself and get stronger, and then God will guide you in working on your marriage. Embrace and face the truth of your pain, and God will comfort and guide you out of it, and then you can learn skills to have a better marriage from a position of strength, have more peace and joy, and become fully who He made you to be.”

pice programs offer in-home nursing care for the terminally ill and their families. Besides medications and medical equipment, hospice provides professional workers who can talk about what is happening and what to expect. I view hospice nurses and social workers as members of my care team. Many terminally ill people are helped by having not only a place to die but also permission to die. Sometimes the family, especially a spouse, has difficulty adjusting to what lies ahead. That’s when the family needs to give the dying member permission to die. One of the last ways we help someone die is to assure them we will comfort and care for their loved ones after they are gone.

MAKING THEIR LAST WORDS COUNT

Kathy Schoenborn has been a licensed professional counselor for over 30 years. For the last 15 years, she has been involved in a ministry she developed—Warrior Wives— teaching classes to help women struggling in marriage. Her book Warrior Wives: Marriage is Worth Fighting For, website warriorwivesrus.com, which contains additional resources including podcasts and YouTube videos, are all resources for women in struggling marriages. Additionally, she has two grown sons, two grandsons, and has been married to her husband, Phil, for 44 years! Kathy is available to help you get classes started in your church.

The phone rang. “I think we should do it soon,” Bill said. I knew what my middle-aged friend was signaling. It was time to plan his funeral. We did it the next day. Within two weeks Bill was dead. At his funeral the words and music he chose was a powerful witness of his faith to his family and colleagues. Most people don’t plan ahead as Bill did. When their doctor tells them to put things in order, they don’t think that includes outlining their final visit to church. It’s up to me to encourage the dying to think of such things. Most are receptive to the idea. Planning their own funeral gives the dying a sense of purpose in an otherwise purposeless period of life. I ask them to choose whom they would like to participate. I encourage them to think of musical selections, Scriptures or readings, hymns or praise songs for the choir or congregation—even sermon themes. When Hap planned his service with me, he gave me a message he wanted his fellow employees to hear. Because he was willing to anticipate the inevitable, his coworkers heard their friend’s values and final goodbyes with unmistakable clarity. Though dead, he still spoke. People need to know that in God’s health care plan, healing doesn’t always mean getting better. Sometimes it means resurrection. I reached my friend Eugene less than half-an-hour after he died. I gripped his fragile, still-warm hand beneath the sheet. Tears crawled down my face as I realized that his hand would not grip back this time. I kissed him on the forehead and thanked the Lord for his life. Eugene had not only taught me how to serve God and His church, he had taught me how to serve a tennis ball. He showed me how to live. He taught me how to die. He taught me how to escort others to the edge of eternity. I left his bedroom to comfort the members of his family. As I walked down the hallway, I felt a warmth of contentment surge through me. Despite the sorrow, I had no regrets. For the past six months I had invested my gifts and concern in Eugene’s life. Helping a person die with grace is one of the most significant privileges in life and ministry.

Visit my site! warriorwivesrus.com

Greg Asimakoupoulos is the chaplain of Covenant Shores Retirement Community in suburban Seattle. He is the author of numerous articles and books. His most recent volume is Finding God in It’s a Wonderful Life. Greg and his wife, Wendy, have three grown daughters and live on Mercer Island, Wash.

Email me! kathrynschoenborn@gmail.com

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Get ready for the best years of your life!

A Brand New Book by Stuart & Jill Briscoe Many people accept that growing older is simply something that happens “to” them. And so they let their life passions dry up, aching for a renewed purpose.

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The apostle Paul tells us that though we are diminishing outwardly, we experience daily an inward renewing, no matter what our age! That renewing is the focus of Stuart and Jill Briscoe’s encouraging book, Improving with Age: God’s Plan for Getting Older and Better. They wrote it to share what it takes to make your later years the best of your life. Each chapter has discussion questions, so it’s a great book to use for personal or group study.

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But the truth is aging happens to everybody—it’s perfectly normal— and life should be lived to the full at each stage. So at every age, you have reason to embrace and enjoy the adventurous, alluring, and sometimes arduous process of aging!

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“If I got to sit across from a woman of any age and say just one thing, I’d want to say this.” BHPublishingGroup.com/Audacious