G2_2012-09-03_ by Kalabalikta Kaldim

Monday 03.09.12

The vagina and the female soul Naomi Wolf talks to Emma Brockes Exclusive extract from her new book

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Criminology

There’s nothing funny about being stalked

only ever met her twice before she became my stalker. On our first encounter, she recognised me as being on the same dating website as her, and so introduced herself – and there was nothing, no thousand– yard stare, no deranged cackling, to tip me off that she was in any way disturbed. The second time we met, I slept with her. And then, having known me for all of a few hours, she told me that she loved me. I laughed it off then. From the moment Glenn Close boiled her first bunny, popular culture has loved a female stalker. As with all cinematic archetypes, they became an object of humour. They became funny, adorable misguided cranks like Renee Zellweger’s Nurse Betty, deluded but charmingly harmless. Women stalking men got funny. I have to say that I haven’t found much of the last three years especially chucklesome, as my stalker ended up comprehensively boiling my inner bunny. Although it was funny in

Pete Cashmore’s ordeal left him with deep trust and anger issues the first few months when she chased me down the street on foot as I cycled home from work, the joke wore very thin, very fast. It stopped being funny when she threatened to counterallege that I had drugged and sexually assaulted her if I went to the police. It also wasn’t especially amusing when she did exactly that. And it was downright vexing when I found that, while she immediately got free legal advice and counselling as a result of the nature of her fabrications, I was left to my own devices for five long months with the allegations hanging over my head. By the time I was cleared, I was a depressed borderline-alcoholic insomniac terrified of his own doorbell. Not very funny. I even had (male) police officers laugh at her loopy voicemails. I don’t blame them though – most people, in my experience, cannot help but find the idea of a man living in fear of an obsessed woman faintly risible. I had one girlfriend (now an ex)

SEE PAGE 4 FOR MORE DETAILS 2 The Guardian 03.09.12

Shorter cuts

tell me that I had to “man up” as if I could somehow puﬀ my chest out and produce the magic formula to mend a profoundly disturbed woman. The reality of being a stalked man is a mixture of grinding tedium, of disturbed sleep, violent nightmares and isolation. One’s ﬁrst instincts are to attempt dialogue with your stalker – eventually you come to realise that you may as well be trying to bring reason to a small child. And above all, it becomes apparent that it’s down to you to create your own case. So your life becomes one of logging missed calls, taping voicemails, transcribing texts and having a cameraphone at hand every time you answer the door. Visits to the police station are frequent and time-consuming. Being stalked is a massive pain in the arse. One day in the future I may be able to laugh about it all, but the current reality is that my stalker forced me out of the home

I had lived in for ﬁve years, left me with deep trust and anger issues, and nursing post-traumatic stress disorder, which will only subside as I put time and distance between me and her. And I have to pin my hopes on the notion that, when I agreed to her being merely cautioned for harassment on the basis that she agreed never to try to contact me again, she was telling the truth. It feels like a very big ask. This was in October 2011, and I have not heard from nor seen her since. I recently made a documentary for More4 and was told that it was the ﬁrst of its kind because everyone else who has tried found the process too upsetting. People have asked if I’m worried that it will provoke her into fresh activity, and that question, I must admit, does make me laugh. Because there is nothing left that she can do to me. Pete Cashmore Stalked is on More 4 tonight at 10pm.

Ouch! O

Cine classic

D David Cameron has eeven lost the posh aactor vote. Benedict Cumberbatch has had C a pop at his “fat-faced” aand “ﬂatulent” brand of Toryism. o

The Last Night of the Proms will be shown at Odeon cinemas at the weekend ... in 3D. It may be light on action sequences.

Melanie Martine z, with her son-in -law, has lost ﬁve ho uses to hurricanes and ﬂoods Meteorology

The unluckiest woman in America

COVER TOM PIETRASIK FOR THE GUARDIAN PHOTOGRAPHS DES WILLIE, GETTY IMAGES

fter losing four houses to four hurricanes Melanie Martinez was arguably America’s unluckiest woman. There was Betsy in 1965, Juan in 1985, George in 1998 and Katrina in 2005, ferocious storms that swept in from the Gulf of Mexico and wrecked each of Martinez’s homes. Such was the peril of living on a ﬂood plain in Louisiana. A few months ago the schoolbus driver’s luck changed. Hideous Houses, a reality TV show on the A&E channel, selected her not quite hideous but admittedly ramshackle house in Braithwaite, a rural town just south of New Orleans, for a makeover. The host, Eric Stromer (one of the sexiest people alive, according to People magazine), and his team spent a week and $20,000 transforming the Martinez home with a new kitchen, new cupboards, new appliances (including a 50in smart TV), even creating a new room for Melanie’s passion, sewing. It aired a few weeks ago. “They did a real good job. I loved it,” says Martinez. If you were paying attention to the news last week you know where this story is going. On Wednesday 29 August – the

seventh anniversary of Katrina – a category 1 hurricane named Isaac howled in from the Gulf and hit Mississippi and Louisiana. A $14.5bn federally funded bolstering of flood-control systems around New Orleans spared the city. However, Braithwaite was sheltered only by an 8ft levee built by Louisiana’s state government. Thus Martinez became – who could now argue? – America’s unluckiest woman. “There was a mandatory evacuation order and we were leaving, just like our neighbours,” she says. “We never stay for storms. I would never jeopardise my mom – she’s 74 and needs dialysis. But my truck broke down.” Around 2am floodwaters “overtopped” the levee, sending a 12ft surge through Braithwaite. The family sought refuge in the attic. “We thought we were going to die in that house; the water was coming up so fast. My husband used a hammer to put a hole in the roof but it broke. We used our hands and feet to punch the hole.” A boat rescued them along with their five kittens and three dogs. Everything else was lost. “Now I’ve lost five houses to five storms. Every time a wipe-out.” Martinez seems grateful to be alive, even perky, but knows tears will come once waters subside and she returns to a sodden wreck. “Why live in Louisiana?” She ponders the question. “I was born here. It’s home, home, home. But we want to move somewhere that’s hilly, you know? To a house on a hill.” Rory Carroll

Pass notes No 3,239 Shia LaBeouf

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Age: 26. Appearance: Greasy. Hirsute. Pretentious. Periodically naked. And as a result of which of those intriguing qualities is he in the news at the moment? The naked aspect, in a roundabout way. Pray tell. He’s signed up to play opposite Charlotte Gainsbourg in Lars von Trier’s next film Nymphomaniac. Ooh, is she any relation to Serge? It’s a film about the sexual development of a woman from birth to adulthood that it is believed will contain unsimulated sex scenes, so what do you think? I think she probably is. You’d be correct. And I see where the naked bit is coming in. Not yet, you don’t. LaBeouf has hit the headlines for claiming he got the part by sending Lars von Dirty Dog sex tapes of Shia and his girlfriend. Wow. That’s very method. I bet Brando’s gutted he never thought of that. You know, if he wasn’t dead. Stanislavski would indeed be proud. If, of course, it’s true. Whaddya mean? An actor wouldn’t say something like that if it wasn’t true. Would he? No. Not unless it was to court media attention or continue his repositioning as an edgy, indie actor after, say, an early career as a clean-cut star in something like Disney’s Even Stevens … Which he …? Was. Ah. Or unless it was a joke during a conversation with bawdy talkshow host Chelsea Handler that the media has seized upon and made factoid. Isn’t the world COMPLICATED these days? It is. We don’t even know if his other tales – such as the one about filming his latest movie Lawless while drunk as a skunk, or dropping acid on the set of a film in which his character drops acid – are true either. Although it is a fact that he appeared fully, frontally nude in the latest Sigur Rós video. Verifiable? At 42 and 48 seconds in. Thanks. Hey, what does his girlfriend think about him sending their sex tapes to LVT? Rumour has it she is not impressed. Tsk … women. They’re never prepared to sacrifice anything for art, are they? Especially not if it’s been sacrificed without their knowledge, no. Do say: “Shia LaBeouf – coming soon to a cinema screen near you!” Don’t say: “Shia LaBeouf – coming soon on a cinema screen near you!”

Right winger

Pet soundss

Under attack Un

The BBC Sport website has signed up Paolo Di Canio as a columnist. Let’s hope the selfproclaimed fascist, who has said that Mussolini was “deeply misunderstood”, will restrict his comments to football.

According to For the Love Of Dogs, tonight’s ITV1 documentary on Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, the animals are played Classic FM to calm them down. Someone call the RSPCA!

Dro Drones+ is an iPhone app that trac tracks US drone strikes on targets in P Pakistan, Yemen and Somalia. It’s one way of keeping tabs on Ame America’s undeclared wars – or it would have been, if Apple had hadn’t rejected it.

03.09.12 The Guardian 3

‘Neural wiring explained vaginal vs clitoral orgasms. Not culture. Not Freud’ When Naomi Wolf noticed that sex had become less enjoyable, it sent her on an unexpected journey of discovery. Emma Brockes talks to her about her new book, Vagina. In an exclusive extract, overleaf, Wolf explains how sexist language can wreck women’s lives

PHOTOGRAPH TOM PIETRASIK

aomi Wolf lf has been one of the world’s d’s most famous feministss for more than 20 years and she herself admits it is a very odd job. When she wrote The Beauty Myth in 1991, she was 27 yearss old, enrolled on a PhD course and not intending to make her career in the e field of feminist criticism. “It’s not a job ob that anyone had described as a possibility,” lity,” she says and laughs. The success off that book, and the vitriol it attracted,, launched her as a figure of some cultural ral import – part pop academic (she is just ust now getting around to finishing the he PhD), part pundit and, more recently, ently, part civil rights activist in the Occupy movement – and d if she carries herself with a slight Joan of Arc air it is nott without cause; public feminists inists don’t, generally, attract ct the sanest mailbag. “Oh, Oh, without doubt,” says Wolf on the question of whether, when she e writes about women, she gets a higher ratio o of abuse than when she writes about anything else. “So what?” ” We are in New York, k, where Wolf lives with her two wo children

and works betw between PhD commitments at Oxford. Her new book, Vagina, is attracting a lot of attention, not least for the title, a ccanny piece of marketing that she didn’t hesitate to use, she says, word is either so taboo or “because that w with negative connotations ssurrounded su rrounded wi or shame or medicalised, it’s o draped in sh really importan important to take it back”. The memoir, part cultural book is part m history part scientiﬁc journey h story and p hi around wom women’s sexuality, the best elements e ements of which illuminate how el little wom women generally know about their own ow anatomy – a kind of brainy brain sex manual – the worst of which founders on the w kind of academic jargon Wolf is fond fo of, and that has to be squeezed hard to elicit s much muc meaning. (Sample: “... nor does this denial of the paradox of our feminine autonomy co-existing unsetauto tledly with our feminine need for int interdependence ...”) There is some discussion Ther about what wh constitutes the “female soul”. Looking back on a so walk she took too with a group of female scientists, Wolf Wo recounts “that slightly wild, slightly inexplicable moment i – when the wind, win the grass and the animals had all seemed a part

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Wolf with her father Leonard; (above) in Central Park, New York, 1991

of what we were learning about ourselves”. It’s these kind of moments that have, over the years, contributed to a vague sense that while her heart is undoubtedly in the right place, Wolf is also full of hot air. So it is with Vagina, a generally noble enterprise to unshackle female sexual pleasure from millennia of cultural baggage by locating it in scientific fact – as she puts it, “this amazing set of discoveries; this incredible, to me, revelatory science”. It all started with a problem Wolf was having in her own sex life; the quality of her orgasms suddenly changed from being full of light and colour and what she describes in terms of transcendental experience, to something dull and lifeless. She went to see “New York’s pelvic nerve man”, which required a certain presence of mind. A lot of people in her place would have gone to see a psychotherapist. “I’m not that crazy,” she says. “I knew that there was something physically wrong. It was physical. It was a physical experience.” Wolf was absolutely right. The doctor diagnosed a mild form of spina bifida and told her that her spine, which was out of alignment, was compressing one branch of the pelvic nerve. He then explained to her the science of orgasm; that impulses from the pelvic nerve travelled up to the “female brain”, or as she later summarised in the book, “how the genitals connect to the lower spinal cord, which in turn connects to the brain”. This explained why she was suffering a lack of psychic as well as physical response during sex. “I almost fell off the edge of the exam table in my astonishment,” she writes. “That’s what explained vaginal versus clitoral orgasms? Neural wiring?

6 The Guardian 03.09.12

Not culture, not upbringing, not patriarchy, not feminism, not Freud?” She continues: “I had never read that how you best reached orgasm, as a woman, was largely due to basic neural wiring.” Wolf underwent an operation to put a metal plate in her back, after which, thankfully, all is well. But she has a profound new understanding of the way in which the vagina, in its hitherto underpublicised connection with the brain, “mediates consciousness”. There will be many women (and men) whom this strikes at a less than revelatory level, not because it is common knowledge, but because it seems that every other week these days a book comes out ascribing various human states and behaviours – love/happiness/ anger/addiction – to brain chemistry or neural wiring, accompanied by data from a scanner and a set of demoralised lab rats. The meaning of life might as well just be: neuroscience. So what? Well, says Wolf, her mission with the book was “to get rid of that extra layer of shame and ignorance and confusion and blaming of the self for things that evolution or anatomy have constructed”. Since feminists – and anti-feminists – of yore spent so much time scrapping over the politics of female orgasm, it is useful to get the basic physiology down. “Freud was wrong and Shere Hite didn’t have the whole picture, and the feminists of the 70s were waging a battle to prioritise the clitoris over the vagina that is actually beside the point, because every woman is wired diﬀerently,” says Wolf. “Why didn’t they tell us in eighth grade? No one let us know. That whole revelation, about the neural system, and how complex it is, and its relationship to the spine and to the brain, was absolutely revelatory to me. It’s changed my whole sense of how we’re put together.” All of which is good and sensible. But

having taken politics out of the equation, Wolf then reintroduces them. Part of her investigation revolves around the various hormones and neurotransmitters activated in a woman’s body during a “successful” sexual encounter, eg dopamine, “which boosts the chemical construct of confidence, motivation, focus, all of these feminist qualities. Goal orientedness. Assertiveness”. In the book, she writes, “dopamine is the ultimate feminist chemical in the female brain,” a guffy-sounding PR line that sits awkwardly alongside the scientific language. Oxytocin, meanwhile “is women’s emotional superpower”. The vagina is “not only coextensive with the female brain but also is part of the female soul”. And, finally, “if femininity resided anywhere,” writes Wolf, “I would say it resides there, in that electric inward network extending from pelvis to brain”. (I’m not sure an abstract noun can reside anywhere. George Bush would be the one to ask). It’s the kind of language to make scientists scream. I wonder if she hesitated to use terms such as “soul”? “You’re zeroing in on exactly the parts of the book that took the most care and struggle,” she says. “I know why it’s risky to invoke that dimension or even that discourse. And that’s why I was so careful in defining it so narrowly. There’s this linear syllogism in the book. I’m not using that language without grounding it very carefully in the physical. William James said there are these transcendental experiences that many people had, and he got that from a lot of interviews. And then various neuroscientists have been mapping out where transcendence happens in the brain. One of my favourite quotes about the book is from a doctor that I had asked to read the manuscript, who, when I said something like – you know, we’re just talking about states of consciousness – he said, but the only way we have of experiencing states of consciousness is in the physical, which doesn’t make them less real.” When Wolf was growing up in 70s San Francisco, the daughter of two academics, the states of consciousness she writes about were frowned upon by many women activists as not feminist. Being in love, with its sense, as Wolf puts it, of “longing, dependency, need”, was considered undermining of female independence. “The discourse that I inherited,” says Wolf, “was like, you keep [these feelings] at a distance, don’t acknowledge them, they’re shameful, they’re weaknesses. I always felt that that was buying into a sexist or traditionally masculinist view of human nature. And I thought, if women feel these things so regularly, it’s not enough to say that it’s just masochism.”

PHOTOGRAPHS MIKE SHANE; MICHAEL A SMITH

This was the era of a-woman-needsa-man-like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle, since when feminism has moved on. Nonetheless, there will be feminist critics who read her book and are alarmed by its essentialism; who receive her efforts to find a neurological definition of “femininity” – something they spent years arguing was mostly a cultural construct – as reductive and reactionary. “I get it. And I know these schools of analysis and they’re very very helpful conceptually, and in dealing with literature and philosophy. But they are being challenged all the time by what’s going on in the labs. I saw rats – rats do not theorise their existence – behaving like female rats. You know? And again, there’s space for many, many, many discourses in feminism.” Which brings us (sort of) to “cuntini”. One of the interesting things Wolf looks into is the way in which sexualised language is used to demoralise women who achieve power in male-dominated worlds. Most women know this from experience; that sexual

‘A major trauma in western women is that if they are sexual a terrible thing will happen’ insult is the quickest and commonest way to undermine them and that men – online, on the street – use it all the time. I’m sure Wolf has come in for a tonne of it. But there is a scene in the book that suggests she has crossed into territory where it is diﬃcult for the rest of us to follow. With her trademark tone of more in sorrow than in anger, Wolf tells the story of a party her friend Alan threw her, in celebration of Vagina ﬁnding a publisher. As a joke, Alan said he was going to make vagina-shaped pasta, which he did. When, in front of guests, he referred to it as “cuntini”,

Wolf was so horrified, so traumatised by his language, that, she writes, she suffered six months of writer’s block (see extract overleaf ). One understands that “lighten up, love” is the stock misogynist response to women protesting male aggression. But this seems an extraordinary reaction to a … “Party?” says Wolf. Yeah. “I mean. You know. I’m not sure what your question is?” It’s hard to understand how she can have had such a reaction to a bit of a shit joke, but not that bad a joke. “Well, that’s a good question.” She looks very much as if she does not consider this a good question. “You know, one never understands everything about one’s insufficiencies and incapacities, but I know that I was nervous [about the book]. I’m not now, because there are enough readers who’ve said, wow, this is really valuable to me. But at that time, I hadn’t written the book yet and I was scared by the taboo

Wolf is arrested in New York during an Occupy Wall Street protest, October 2011

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around it. And scared that there would be a very public backlash; that I’d be punished.” She cites the contagious diseases acts of 19th-century Britain, which allowed the state to round up prostitutes and women judged to be promiscuous for mandatory VD testing and subsequent imprisonment. “Which, believe it or not, is I think actually a major trauma in western women’s

psyches – that oh my God, if I’m sexual or if I own my sexuality in some public way, a terrible thing will happen to me. For a while, thousands of women were rounded up because they were overtly sexual and incarcerated for up to nine months. And I do think there are such things as culturally traumatic moments that get passed down. “So it was scary to think: I’m going to write this book and put my name on it and send it out there and something terrible will happen. So then when, in my circle, there was this publicly humiliating thing [cuntini], I don’t know if there was a cause/eﬀect and that’s why I couldn’t write, but I know I couldn’t write for quite a while after that. Again, these are very intuitive connections, so I can’t say this silenced me. But it reinforced the idea that something bad would happen.” It’s not that this isn’t credible so much that Wolf can’t, apparently, hear how it plays; or how a wry acknowledgment of its absurdity might get her further. It’s the same tonal deafness that characterises her description of a man from Chalk Farm, north London, in whom she puts a great deal of store, a “bodyworker” who attempts, through massage, to re-engage sexually traumatised women and who, Wolf relates in

‘Obama prosecutes whistleblowers. He has been worse than Bush for civil liberties’ 8 The Guardian 03.09.12

the book with a straight face, once saw an image of the Virgin Mary in a vagina. Now that she is working on civil liberties, life has become slightly easier. She has a big following, with fewer crazies in the mix. After being arrested in New York last year during an Occupy protest, Wolf found herself in the public eye as a hero. (She was informing protesters of their legal rights to demonstrate peacefully, without being rounded up by police, who arrested her.) It was, she says, a frightening experience. “They took us from the precinct where our lawyers were waiting, to an undisclosed location across town where no one knew where we were. We were looking at 15 days in Rikers Island if we were found guilty, which is a very violent place. Where all bets are oﬀ. I think everyone in Britain and America should be very concerned about protecting due process.” She is hugely disappointed in Obama on this front. “Oh my God. He prosecutes whistleblowers, he keeps Guantánamo open, he allowed the department of homeland security to put military equipment in police stations across the country which they then used against protesters. He has been worse than Bush for civil liberties.” Can she still vote for him? “I try not to say who I’m voting for because I try not to endorse.” But, she says, “people like Cameron and Obama and Romney to some extent are – minor diﬀerences.” She will continue campaigning, through her journalism, her advocacy and her “democracy-building” website. Meanwhile, Vagina will probably cause a fuss in the kind of places where everything causes a fuss; a few bookstores will refuse to put it in the window, and Wolf will be reassured, as she must, of the power of her taboo-breaking.

PHOTOGRAPH CORBIS

Wolf at a news conference in March announcing a lawsuit against indeﬁnite detention provisions, signed in to law by Barack Obama

ords, when deployed in relation to the vagina, are always more than “just words”. Because of the subtlety of the mind-body connection, words about the vagina are also what philosopher John Austin, in his 1960 book How to Do Things with Words, calls “performative utterances”, often used as a means of social control. A “performative utterance” is a word or phrase that actually accomplishes something in the real world. When a judge says “Guilty” to a defendant, or a groom says “I do”, the words alter material reality. Studies have shown that verbal threats or verbal admiration or reassurances can directly affect the sexual functioning of the vagina. One suggests that a stressful environment can negatively affect vaginal tissue itself. This “bad stress” can also, as it supports or inhibits orgasm, either raise or lower the levels of women’s confidence, creativity and hopefulness overall. Women react strongly to male verbal abuse of their vaginas or to implied threats of rape, even when these are “just jokes”, for these very reasons. Comedienne Roseanne Barr described male TV writers’ behaviour when women made inroads into their profession: she hated going up to the writers’ house because there would be a “stinky-pussy” joke within three minutes. When a woman faces a workplace in which her male peers want to show her she is unwelcome, similar words or images targeting or insulting the vagina will often surface: centrefolds with legs spread, for instance, and the face of the woman in question superimposed on the naked body, will appear in public. Of course cultural and psychological motivations play a part in this form of harassment. But the role of manipulating female stress in targeting the vagina should not be ignored. In 2010, male Yale students gathered at a “Take Back the Night” event, where their female classmates were marching in a group, protesting against sexual assault. The young men chanted at the protesters: “No means yes and yes means anal.” Some of the young women brought a lawsuit against the university, arguing that tolerating such behaviour created an unequal educational environment. Ethically, they are in the right, and neurobiologically, they are right as well. Almost all young women who face a group of their male peers chanting such slogans are likely to feel instinctively slightly panicked. On some level they are getting the message that they may be in the presence of would-be rapists, making it

Pasta as punishment In an exclusive extract, Naomi Wolf explains how a misogynist cookery joke gave her writer’s block

impossible to shrug off immature comments, as women are often asked to do. Sexually threatening stress releases cortisol into the bloodstream, which has been connected to abdominal fat in women, with its attendant risks of diabetes and cardiac problems; it also raises the likelihood of heart disease and stroke. If you sexually stress a woman enough, over time, other parts of her life are likely to go awry; she will have difficulty relaxing in bed, as well as in the classroom or in the office. This in turn will inhibit the dopamine boost she might otherwise receive, which would in turn prevent the release of the chemicals in her brain that otherwise would make her confident, creative, hopeful, focused – and effective, especially relevant if she is competing academically or professionally with you. With this dynamic in mind, the phrase “fuck her up” takes on new meaning. I experienced firsthand the powerful impact that the words used to communicate about the vagina can have on the female brain. This book had just been signed by a publisher, and I was euphoric, in creative terms, about the research and writing ahead. At the same time, I was anxious about grappling with such a strong social taboo. At that point, a friend of a friend – an impresario whom I will call Alan, who has a complicated sense of humour and enjoys creating social spectacles that heighten tension – said he wanted to throw a party celebrating my book deal. Alan told me that he was going to

do a pasta party at which guests could make vagina-shaped pasta. I thought that was a funny and sort of charming idea, possibly a tribute to the subject matter, or, at the very least, not awful, though it was not a thematic twist I would have chosen myself. When I arrived at the party, though, there was a slightly ominous, mischievous stir at the far end of the loft where the kitchen was located. As I walked toward Alan, I passed the table where the pasta maker had been assembled. A group of people stood around it – fashioning, indeed, little handmade vulvas. The objects were rather sweet looking: like the real thing, the little pasta sculptures varied – each person’s experience (or body, perhaps) informing his or her interpretation. There was an energy of respect and even would-be celebration from that table, from both the men and the women. Each small sculpture was detailed and distinct: lovely little white objects against a hand-painted blue Italian ceramic tray. Alan appeared at my side. “I call those ‘cuntini’,” he said, laughing, and my heart contracted. A flash of tension crossed the faces of many of the women present. The men’s faces, which had been so open, and some so tender, became impassive. Something sweet and new, that had barely begun, was already closing down. I heard a sizzling sound. I looked to the kitchen: the sound was coming from several dozen enormous sausages, ranged in iron skillets on the big industrial stove. I got it: ha, sausages, to go with the “cuntini”. I noticed that the energy of the mixed-gender crowd was now not simple. The room had become more tense – the tension that I was familiar with by now, as I was recognising those moments when women feel demeaned but are expected to “go with it” and have a “sense of humour”. My heart contracted further. On the back burners of the stove, several immense salmon fillets were arranged on another platter. Again: I got it. I got the joke. Women are smelly. Fish-smelling. I flushed, with a kind of despair that was certainly psychological – depression that a friend would think this was funny – but which also felt physical. I can deal with a misfired joke, if that was all that the event entailed. What is really interesting to me is that after the “cuntini” party, I could not type a word of the book – not even research notes – for six months, and I had never before suffered from writer’s block. I felt – on both a creative and a physical level – that I had been punished for “going somewhere” that women are not supposed to go.

DETAILS

Extracted from Vagina: A New Biography by Naomi Wolf to be published by Virago at £12.99 on 6 September 2012. To order a copy for £10.39 with free UK p&p go to guardian.co.uk/ bookshop or call 0330 333 6846. © 2012 by Naomi Wolf

03.09.12 The Guardian 9

Health

was driving recently when a strangled gurgle erupted from the rear seat, where my eightmonth-old daughter Esme might have been choking to death. This guttural “uurrrgh-blurrgh” continued for a heart-stopping second before she returned to her happy “ah-ba-ba-ba” song but I was shaken up by the incident to the extent that I signed up for a first aid course. For many of us, first aid knowledge is a bit like our recall of amazing scientific facts down the pub – bewilderingly vague. I never really gave my ignorance a second thought until I realised that as a father of twins it would be horrific if something went wrong and I couldn’t do anything about it. Above the sinks in the Red Cross Norwich centre’s toilets is a helpful guide to washing your hands – in 11 steps. Thankfully, the charity’s first aid for babies and children is not nearly so complicated. Attending the training day with me are nine others, including four young teachers and a grandmother. Our topics of study are every parent’s worst nightmare: bleeding, embedded objects, burns, sprains and strains (phew, a benign one), fractures, raised temperatures, seizures, meningitis, severe allergic reactions, head injuries, swallowing harmful substances, vomiting and diarrhoea. We begin with the building blocks: checking for breathing, the recovery or “safe position” and, if they are not breathing, baby CPR. Red Cross trainers say that those memorable Vinnie Jones CPR ads for the British Heart Foundation, as well as footballer Fabrice Muamba’s cardiac arrest, have raised an awareness of cardiopulmonary resuscitation, but the technique is different for children under a year old. The eerie training mannequins – dolls and torsos of young children – are officially known as Resusci Annies, but our Red Cross trainer, Diana MacDonaldSteele, refers to them as Tommy. First we have to call Tommy’s name, tap his feet and put our cheek to his mouth to see if he is breathing. If so, the “safe position” is to hold him close to you in a cuddle but keeping his head lower than his bottom. If he is not breathing, we must begin CPR by tilting back the head with one finger on his chin as if he is “sniffing the air”, as MacDonaldSteele puts it, to ensure his airways are clear, and then begin CPR with five one-second “rescue breaths”, putting our mouths over his mouth and nose. “You’ve got to think you are huffing on a window,” says MacDonald-Steele, as we hunch over our prone babies, which have plastic tubes to send our breath into their chests. After the

10 The Guardian 03.09.12

Parents to the rescue Could you give CPR to your baby, or know what to do if he’s swallowed a toxic substance? Patrick Barkham goes on a course in children’s first aid

Patrick Barkham learns ﬁrst aid with Diana MacDonaldSteele and ‘Tommy’

‘You’ve got to think you’re huffing on a window,’ says our instructor

rescue breaths, we quickly place two fingers on Tommy’s chest and give 30 firm compressions at the rate of two a second. Then we give two more rescue breaths, and repeat this cycle three times, continuing until the medics arrive. With older children, the process is the same but we must pinch their nose and huff into their mouth, and the compressions are done with a firm hand rather than two fingers. First aid classes at school passed me by and, embarrassingly, I can’t recall exactly how to put a child or an adult into the recovery position. “Waveprayer-pockets-knee” is how MacDonaldSteele encourages us to remember. “If you leave them on their back, you leave them to die,” she says. It suddenly strikes me how banal the difference between life and death is.

Choking is probably every new parent’s most common anxiety, especially when Esme’s twin Camilla shoves everything from soil to remote controls into her dainty mouth. I put Tommy over my knees, holding his jaw between thumb and forefinger, and give him five tentative taps on the back. MacDonald-Steele reminds us that this is one of the most resilient parts of the body, and what’s a bit of bruising when a life is at stake? Ninety-nine per cent of the time, five back blows will dislodge the choking object, says our trainer. If not, we must turn Tommy on his back with his head lower than his bottom and perform five chest thrusts, a bit like CPR but with the fingers directed up to the throat. Head injuries must be a close second to choking. “If you took a child to hospital every time they banged their heads, you’d move in there,” says MacDonald-Steele. There’s no magic rule: we’re told to sit the injured person down with a cold compress and monitor them for signs of potential internal damage include drowsiness, dizziness, disorientation, fluid in ears or nose and dilated pupils. As we are whisked through these demonstrations, it becomes obvious that this stuff is easy to remember and, like the best philosophy, all fits together. Old myths die hard, however. “My mother used to put butter on my burns,” says MacDonald-Steele, rolling her eyes. These days, there’s one clear rule: put the burnt bit under a cold tap for a full 10 minutes – not 30 seconds. Burns don’t need creams but should be gently wrapped in clingfilm. Other changes to old-fashioned wisdom include never inducing vomiting if a child has swallowed a toxic substance (doing nothing except calling for medical help is the best thing to do), and never tilting the head backwards to stop a nosebleed: instead, tip the head forwards, pinching the soft end of the nose, and releasing to check for bleeding every 10 minutes. After 30 minutes of bleeding, call for help. “Never be afraid to dial 999,” says MacDonald-Steele. “First aiders shouldn’t go beyond their limitations – no tracheostomies with Biros, you know what I mean?” I know what she means. While not exactly brimming with confidence, I am at least now equipped with some basic tools if a child close to me crosses that banal line between life and danger of death.

The Red Cross’s six-hour first aid for baby and child course is available at 45 locations in the UK (£60 in London; £45 outside) redcrossfirstaidtraining.co.uk

Dr Dillner’s dilemma Should men become fathers before they are 40?

Sexual Healing Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Traditionally, it was the woman’s age that was thought to be most important in determining whether a couple have a healthy baby. But a new paper published this month in Nature warns that older men have more genetic mutations in their sperm. These mutations could increase the risk of conditions such as autism and schizophrenia, which both have sizeable inherited components. The Icelandic researchers sequenced the genes of 78 trios of mum, dad and oﬀspring. They found that fathers passed on nearly four times as many new mutations (most of which are harmless) to their children as mothers did, and that a 36-year-old man passed on twice as many mutations as a man of 20. This is because sperm constantly multiplies, providing opportunities for errors to creep in each time the sperm divides its genetic material. The average age of fathers is increasing, which suggests more mutations will happen. In 1993, only a quarter of new fathers were aged 34-54; a decade later, this had risen to 40%. Is the risk as you get older enough to make a man’s biological clock start ticking?

The solution

WRITE TO US

Send us your own problem for Sexual Healing, by emailing private.lives@ guardian.co.uk or writing to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

I’m a 22-year-old male student. I’ve never had a girlfriend and have only experienced a handful of quite depressing encounters with the opposite sex. On the rare occasion I have had an indication that a girl has any interest in me, I run a mile, especially if I’m attracted to them. I’m wondering if there is anything I can do to reduce my libido, as I’d rather not have to put up with sexual desires if it seems I’ll be unable to fulﬁl them. Having sexual desires is normal. Although you’re uncomfortable with the sexual aspect of yourself, trying to repress or ignore it can be even more problematic. Instead, try a meta-analytic approach to explore your sexuality. First, appraise your sexual history: what negative thoughts, feelings and past experiences have contributed to your current sexual views? Would the “depressing encounters” have been less upsetting if you’d had better social skills? To whom are you attracted, and why? How do you feel about your body? And about your genitals and those of others? What kind of sexual styles would be comfortable? Are you afraid of being out of control? If so, what boundaries would you need to set up to feel safe? Sex is not easy and spontaneous, but must be learned by trial and error. Be brave. You deserve the pleasure of connecting erotically with others. Approach sex as a subject to be studied. Your main task is to tolerate the learning process. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.

PHOTOGRAPH GRAHAM TURNER FOR THE GUARDIAN

There are many studies showing associations between the age of fathers and increases in the risks of rare genetic conditions such as achondroplasia (short limb dwarﬁsm). Other conditions include cleft lip and palate, a threefold increase in retinoblastomas

(a childhood cancer of part of the eye) and other illnesses later in life, such as breast and prostate cancer. The Malaysian Mental Health Survey found people whose fathers were at least 11 years older than their mothers had an increased risk of anxiety, depression and obsessivecompulsive disorders. It may also take longer for older men to become fathers. Men start to have reduced fertility by their late 30s and, if over 40, increase the risk of their partner having an early miscarriage. The age of the mother is still the more important factor in the likelihood of getting pregnant and having a miscarriage, but once a man is over 40, his reduction in fertility contributes to the overall risk. Many of the above conditions are not caused by one mutation and may be inﬂuenced by environmental factors, such as whether a father drinks or smokes. These can inﬂuence how genes behave rather than disturb their structure. But the studies only show associations and the research is not strong enough to suggest babies of older men should be tested like those of older mothers. Doctors now think that early- to mid-30s is a good age to have children, for both men and women. It’s worth noting that while only 2% of men who were fathers at the age of 25 will have died before their child is 18, this rises to 12% by the age of 45, which is a more convincing reason for getting on with parenthood.

03.09.12 The Guardian 11

Theatres London Adelphi 0844 811 0053 Final Weeks Must End 22 Sept

SWEENEY TODD Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 2.30pm Aldwych Theatre 0844 847 1712

TOP HAT "A musical like this comes around once in a lifetime." Sunday Tel No perfs 3 - 8 Sept Perfs resume 11 Sept 2.30 & 7.30 www.tophatonstage.com AIR COOLED THEATRE

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WE WILL ROCK YOU by QUEEN & BEN ELTON Mon-Sat 7.30, Mat Sat 2.30 Extra show last Wednesday of every month at 2.30 www.wewillrockyou.co.uk

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WICKED Cambridge Theatre 08444124652 WINNER 7 OLIVIER AWARDS Roald Dahl’s

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The 39 Steps

Entertainment

Mon-Sat 8pm, Wed 3pm, Sat 4pm

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LYRIC THEATRE 0844 412 4661

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New London Theatre 020 7452 3000 / 0844 412 4654

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Mon, Thu-Sat 8pm Thu, Sat & Sun 3pm, Sun 6pm

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Winner Best Musical! Oliviers Tue-Sat 7.30,Tue&Sat 3pm, Sun 5pm

QUEEN'S 0844 482 5160

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Private lives

A problem shared My neighbours have loud sex and it keeps me awake It recently became apparent that our upstairs neighbour had got a new girlfriend – from the shrieky sex noises that were audible when the window was open. During the recent hot spell it has been impossible to sleep without ventilation, and on several occasions they have had sex, and she has shrieked, multiple times throughout the night. During one of their more energetic sessions, our apartment shook. I am a light sleeper and feel irate about this noise pollution but am mortiﬁed about the idea of broaching the subject with him. Earplugs don’t seem to do the trick. What should I do?

Round of applause Having both had and caused this problem at various times, try applauding loudly, and calling, “Bravo! Bravo!” and, if they look likely to perform a second act: “Encore!” If that doesn’t work, leave a score card, ﬁgure skating-style, outside the door early the next morning: artistic impression, 5.4; technical ability, 5.7 and so on. If all else fails, yell: “That’s the most obviously faked orgasm I’ve ever heard.” It should go quiet after that, apart from the muﬄed sounds of questioning and reassurance. CB

A nudge and a wink Put a note through their letterbox, asking them to keep it down. Then play unsexy music loudly when they’re at it: The Wombles Greatest Hits is a good one – and start making sex noises of your own so they think you’re enjoying listening to them. Bonus points for orgasm noises at the crucial moment. If you run into them the morning after, leer and wink. Extra marks if you thank them for the fantastic night you had. ErmintrudeSnotte

Faking it If she’s shrieking, she’s putting it on. In my experience, if you’re having an orgasm it’s an intensely sensitive response, which doesn’t involve the vocal cords at loud volume. Groaning, moaning and panting, yes – shrieking, nah. If she’s going to the trouble of shrieking because she thinks her boyfriend will be ﬂattered, she’s being a fake and that’s not conducive to a

long-lasting relationship, so it will end. Maybe in a week or so. A pack of eight sleeping tablets will see you through. ClareLondon

Use the internet You could do what I recently saw while staying in New York: rename your wireless so it’s called “We can hear you having sex”. They’ll never know it was you. guppies

Up close and personal Sidestep your discomfort, knock on the door, and look them in the eye. Explain the diﬃculty of your situation. Be respectful and sensitive. But if they push back, be ﬁrm. Don’t get angry, be clear that they’re being inconsiderate and more than a little ridiculous. It may not solve the problem, but you’ll feel much better once you’ve expressed yourself adequately. brokonos

Their place, not yours Give them a break! They are enjoying themselves. Your annoyance is a choice. Choose not to be annoyed, laugh at yourself and be happy for them. I doubt it’s a constant thing in any case, they must come up for air occasionally? I really do feel like people should be able to enjoy themselves in their own home. lillithremedy

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly six months now and SHOULD I REVEAL MY SEXUAL PAST TO MY we are in a happy NEW BOYFRIEND? and loving relationship. However, he often makes negative comments about women who have had a lot of sexual partners. He doesn’t know that during a diﬃcult period in my life several years ago, I slept with a lot of men. I feel that by not telling him I am hiding part of myself from him, but should I tell him and risk ruining everything when it’s all in the past? I am a completely diﬀerent person now.

Next week

Email us at private.lives@guardian.co.uk or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

Hideously Diverse Brita Muslim mates in an the demon drin d k

’m drinking with my old friend Anwar. Not the Saturday night, falling down kind of drinking. Too old for that now. And Anwar wouldn’t do it anyway. He’s an observant Muslim. So we’re gulping a malt thing from Dubai. Barbican, 0% alcohol. What passes for beer in parts of the Middle East and sections of Arab-tinged central London. “This is drinking, Jim,” as they would have said in Star Trek. “But not as we know it.” The first idea was that we would drink waard. (Pronounce that “vard”: a fizzy mixture of rosewater and pomegranate.) It’s the treat that Premier League sponsors will give Muslim footballers judged man of the match. For years, the reward was a bottle of champagne, but that didn’t seem much of a treat to the Muslim players. Manchester City player Yaya Touré rejected his live on television. “You keep it,” he said to a teammate. Chastened, the league’s sponsors decided on what human resources types call “reasonable accommodation”. Waard, already used to douse the winner of the Bahrain Grand Prix, was that reasonable accommodation. I searched for a bottle. Tried Harrods and the Edgware Road in London, the “23rd Arab state”. Nothing doing. Still the Premier League is rich. It can fly some in. Waard made me think of Anwar because we’d worked together in another era, in TV and on a tabloid, when journalism was boozy. The office would migrate to the pub and Anwar would be there, cradling orange juice. We assumed he was teetotal. really ask. Then came 11 We didn’t d September. That filled the gaps in Septe our knowledge. k What was it like being sober when we W were all soused, I ask him? Quite funny, says. “People would be jolly, then he sa they would cross this line and almost move on to another planet. Some people would be happier; others sad or peop aggressive. I’d wonder if I was seeing aggre what they were really like.” It w was his Desmond Morris experience – observing sober types become drunk – though he never became cendrun sorious. You should have been in Saudi sori during the first Gulf war, I told him; dur watching those same types stay sober. watc There were tales of journos stuffing Th bread b read into the bottlenecks of alcoholhoping it might ferment. Don’t free beer, b try it at home kids. It doesn’t work. Hugh Muir

03.09.12 The Guardian 13

PHOTOGRAPHS BRUCE DAVIDSON/MAGNUM PHOTOS, DACS 2012, MARY CYBULSKI

Below: A Bruce Davidson photograph (detail) taken in New York City in 1962, featured in Everything Was Moving at the Barbican

Visual art By Adrian Searle

Liverpool Biennial The latest Liverpool Biennial, titled The Unexpected Guest, explores the underwhelming theme of hospitality. It’s a city-wide catch-all including 242 artists in 27 locations: rude words by Gilbert & George, Mona Hatoum in the Cunard Building, the sci-ﬁ work of Anthony McCall and the brilliantly voyeuristic photographs of Kohei Yoshiyuki. Various venues, Liverpool, 15 September to 25 November. biennial.com Everything Was Moving: Photography from the 60s and 70s More than 400 works by 12 photographers from around the world, including the incomparable William Eggleston, Boris Mikhailov, Raghubir Singh and Sigmar Polke. What the subversive German painter Polke is doing here is a tantalising mystery, in a show that deals with politics, wars, colonial misadventures and photography’s coming of age. Barbican, London, 13 September to 13 January 2013. barbican.org.uk

Thomas Schütte: Faces and Figures Schütte is one of the best sculptors alive, whether building architectural models, making gorgeous, grotesque ceramics, iron and steel women, or evil and benign ﬁgures. He’s also a terriﬁc watercolourist and draughtsman. Serpentine Gallery, London, 25 September to 18 November. serpentinegallery.org

Autumn arts planner

Frieze London art fair Always interesting, always mad, Frieze brings together commercial galleries, specially commissioned projects, films and talks, rich fanatics and star-spotting crowds. A great opportunity to love and hate art – or be alarmed and entertained by an art-world stratosphere that lives in a financial bubble, while another struggles to keep afloat. Regent’s Park, London, 11 to 14 October. friezelondon.com Jim Shaw: The Rinse Cycle LA artist Jim Shaw is best known in the UK for his hilarious, abject and sometimes inspired paintings found in thrift stores. His investigations of popular (and unpopular) culture span all media: painting, music, video and performance. This survey show should be a treat. Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art, Gateshead, 9 November to 17 February 2013. balticmill.com

Bond is back, Nicki Minaj is touring and JK Rowling has written a novel without a wizard

Coming s 14 The Guardian 03.09.12

Film By Peter Bradshaw

Holy Motors This weird, wonderful film is the first feature from French director Leos Carax in more than a decade: it is partly surreal and entirely bonkers, a brilliantly inventive film that could mean almost anything. Devis Levant plays Monsieur Oscar, a mysterious figure who travels around Paris in a limousine, emerging for a string of dreamlike adventures in a series of elaborate disguises. Cameos from Eva Mendes and Kylie Minogue. 28 September Beasts of the Southern Wild Since its arrival at Sundance earlier this year, this has gained a hugely enthusiastic fanbase, who rave about its Terrence Malick-esque beauty and a performance from nine-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis. A girl called Hushpuppy lives in the remote Louisiana Bayou and must fend for herself when her father gets ill, and the waters begin to rise. 19 October Skyfall After what many felt was a wobbly moment with A Quantum of Solace and financial woes for its producers, the Bond franchise returns with a film directed by Sam Mendes and featuring Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes; Judi Dench is back as M and Ben Whishaw is great casting as Q. Will it live up to 007’s sensational appearance at the Olympics? 26 October Rust and Bone Marion Cotillard stars with newcomer Matthias Schoenaerts in Jacques Audiard’s film. Cotillard plays a young woman who works in an amusementpark, training whales to do tricks for

the crowd. After suffering a horrible accident, she strikes up a friendship and then a romance with a moody kickboxer called Ali. Despite its bizarre premise this is a surgingly old-fashioned love story made with passion and elan. 2 November The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part Two Much has happened since the appearance of the last Twilight movie. A hunk of online fan fiction has been reworked as the soft-porn megaseller Fifty Shades of Grey, and Kristen Stewart has been caught “making out” with someone who was not Robert Pattinson. It is difficult to tell how the volatile fanbase will take to this final film, but it is bound to dominate the airwaves. 16 November Amour Austrian director Michael Haneke won his second Palme d’Or at Cannes with this remarkable film, an intimate chamber-piece with something of Bergman’s Scenes From A Marriage about it. Jean-Louis Trintignant and Emmanuelle Riva are Georges and Anne, an elderly, happily married couple in Paris; when Anne suffers a stroke and begins to decline, their love faces the greatest test of all. 16 November

Clockwise from centre: Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild; Holy Motors; Daniel Craig as James Bond in Skyfall

Sightseers Ben Wheatley brings his distinctive black-comic touch to this ﬁlm written and performed by Steve Oram and Alice Lowe. They play Chris and Tina, who take a longed-for caravanning holiday together in Yorkshire, but ﬁnd that their romantic freedom morphs into something else: a strange and sociopathic taste for violence. This could be British cinema’s must-see of 2012. 30 November

in sight: our critics choose their autumn highlights in a six-page special

soon … 03.09.12 The Guardian 15

Right: Nicki Minaj hits the arenas, while a 1967 collaboration between Nico (below) and the Velvet Underground is re-released in a lavish box set

Pop By Alexis Petridis

Festival No 6 This festival is aimed at a punter of a certain age – New Order, Primal Scream and Spiritualized headline – but its secret weapon is its DJ lineup: Derrick Carter, Erol Alkan, Andrew Weatherall and Daniele Baldelli. Portmerion, Wales, 14 to 16 September. festivalnumber6.com Angel Haze Humilty-free Michigan MC, signed after a ferocious bidding war, brings her wordplay to a one-oﬀ London gig ahead of a hotly anticipated debut album. Hoxton Square Bar And Grill, London, 8 October. hoxtonsquarebar.com Radiohead The last Radiohead album, the knotty King Of Limbs, met with a muted response. Nevertheless, they’re still without parallel as a stadium band prepared to take musical risks. Tour begins Manchester Arena, 6 October. radiohead.com Jialong, Daphni Caribou’s Dan Snaith had limited ambitions for this side-project Daphni, but his releases under that name have been some of the most acclaimed underground dance tracks of recent times: hence the excitement around this album. Released 8 October

Jazz & world By John Fordham

Susanna The Norwegian founder of Susanna and the Magical Orchestra tours material from her new album, Wild Dog: ethereal songs that suggest a kind of 21st-century Nordic country music, delivered by the mesmerisingly puretoned singer-songwriter and pianist. St George’s, Bristol, 11 October then touring. susannamagical.com Wayne Shorter Exclusive UK date from enterprising new Midlands venture Jazzlines, featuring former Miles Davis and Weather Report sax star and jazz composer Shorter. Shorter’s quartet (with Danilo Perez on piano, John Patitucci

16 The Guardian 03.09.12

Hot Chip Electronic quintet follow their triumphant ﬁfth album In Our Heads with a full UK tour: a genuinely great live band. Tour begins 8 October, Norwich UEA. hotchip.co.uk/live The Velvet Underground Featuring Nico, Super Deluxe Edition If any album deserves the ultra-lavish box-set treatment, it is this incalculably inﬂuential and important 1967 debut, bolstered here by alternate versions and rehearsals, a live show from 1966 and Nico’s beautiful solo debut album Chelsea Girl. Released 29 October

on bass and Brian Blade on drums) is one of the world’s most subtly attuned jazz groups. Birmingham Town Hall, Birmingham, 1 November. thsh.co.uk London jazz festival Britain’s biggest jazz festival returns with indestructible sax miracle Sonny Rollins, pianist Herbie Hancock, singer Macy Gray backed by David Murray’s big band, and dozens more. Various venues, London, 9 to 18 November. londonjazzfestival.org.uk Welcome to Lau Land Innovative and technically formidable Scottish-English folk trio Lau launch their new album, as well as curating a four-day folk festival. This will include Scottish folk-rocker Roddy Woomble, traditionalists Rura, Martin Carthy and more. Kings Place, London, 17 to 20 October. kingsplace.co.uk

Esperanza Spalding plays the London jazz festival

Nicki Minaj Smaller shows earlier this year were uneven in quality, though occasionally fantastic. Now rapper Minaj reaches the venues big enough to cope with her cartoonish persona and multiple alteregos. Tour begins 21 October, Capital FM Arena, Nottingham Death Grips Ferocious, wildly unpredictable westcoast punk-rappers Death Grips (not averse to cramming hundreds of ideas into one chaotic four-minute song) arrive in the UK. Tour begins 5 November, The Fleece, Bristol.

Books By Alison Flood

The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling The death of councillor Barry Fairbrother sends the town of Pagford into shock, sparking an election “fraught with passion, duplicity and unexpected revelations” for his seat on the council. Even those who scorned Harry Potter are going to be curious about what his creator (pictured) comes up with when she turns to adult ﬁction. 27 September, Little Brown Patrick Leigh Fermor: An Adventure by Artemis Cooper Patrick Leigh Fermor, who died last year at the age of 96, was one of the travel-writing greats, a war hero who related his journeys as a young man

Comedy By Brian Logan

Doctor Brown: Befrdfgth The undisputed current champion of world comedy – last week’s Edinburgh comedy award followed a Barry award in Melbourne – brings his latest adventure in audience-mauling and smouldering silent comedy to London. Soho theatre, London, 30-October to 10 November. sohotheatre.com Fear of a Brown Planet Last year’s UK debut by Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain was one of the highlights of the Edinburgh fringe: smart and funny, political but never preachy comedy from the bracingly new perspective of two Aussie Muslims. Frog & Bucket, Manchester, 16 September, then touring. frogandbucket.com

Pappy’s: Last Show Ever This irresistible trio of goons (Tom Parry, Ben Clark and Matthew Crosby) hit their dizziest heights yet at this year’s Edinburgh fringe, with a now hilarious, now heartbreaking – and always winningly ramshackle – show imagining their own swansong. Heslam Park, Scunthorpe, 28 September, then touring. yorkshirecoastcomedy.co.uk John Shuttleworth Before the Alan Bennett of the Bontempi organ goes out on tour, don’t miss this one-oﬀ charity gig, in which cover versions of his imperishable oeuvre (including I Can’t Go Back to Savoury Now and Two Margarines on the Go) are performed by Vic Reeves, Heaven 17, Reverend and the Makers, and, er, Barbara Dickson. Bloomsbury theatre, London, 22 September. Then touring from 1 November. shuttleworths.co.uk

Dance By Judith Mackrell

Northern Ballet: Ondine This archetypal Romantic ballet about the love between a water sprite and a doomed young nobleman has received a choreographic makeover from Northern Ballet director David Nixon. Set to the Hans Werne Henze score commissioned for Frederick Ashton’s 1958 version, this has sets and costumes by the excellent Jerome Kaplan. West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds, 8 to 15 September, then touring. northernballet.com San Francisco Ballet This season the company brings a trio of programmes that are stimulating and smart. Balanchine’s Divertimento No 15 sets the benchmark for new works by Christopher Wheeldon, Mark Morris, Ashley Page, Edward Liang and others. Sadler’s Wells, London, 14 to 23 September. sadlerswells.com Dance Umbrella 2012 This year’s festival lasts just 10 days and is focused around a single venue. But it promises some of the most inquisitiveminded and entertaining dance on the international circuit, with works from Jonathan Burrows and Matteo Fargion, Wendy Houstoun, Beth Gill and Noé Soulier. The Platform Theatre at Central Saint Martins, London, 5 to 14 October. danceumbrella.co.uk

PHOTOGRAPH OWEN SWEENEY/REX FEATURES

through Europe in classics such as A Time of Gifts and Between the Woods and the Water. Artemis Cooper draws on years of interviews with the author and his friends in this much-anticipated biography. 11 October, John Murray Back to Blood by Tom Wolfe The author of The Bonﬁre of the Vanities sets his new novel in Miami, with characters ranging from the city’s Cuban mayor to a nest of shady Russians and a psychiatrist who treats sex addiction. Wolfe’s previous novel I Am Charlotte Simmons won him the Bad Sex in ﬁction prize, but his publisher is promising a “hilarious reckoning with our times”. 25 October, Cape Dear Life by Alice Munro A new collection from Canadian short story

writer Munro is a reason to rejoice. Set in the countryside and towns around Lake Huron, a landscape she returns to again and again, these stories are about “the moment a life is shaped”. Munro won the Man Booker international prize in 2009, when her work was described as “practically perfect”. 1 November, Chatto & Windus Standing in Another Man’s Grave by Ian Rankin John Rebus ostensibly retired in 2007’s Exit Music, but the detective is back in this new novel from the Scottish author, “as stubborn and anarchic as ever”. Rebus will be running into Rankin’s new detective Malcolm Fox and causing problems for his protegee Siobhan Clarke as he investigates a series of apparently unconnected disappearances. 8 November, Orion

Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet This New York-based company is unusual in the scope and ambition of its commissioning. For its UK premiere, it brings new works by Hofesh Shechter and Alexander Ekman. Most exciting may be Grace Engine, a piece by Canadian-born Frankfurt resident Crystal Pite, whose choreography is thrillingly crafted and powerfully imagined. Sadler’s Wells, London, 11 to 13 October. sadlerswells.com

Clockwise from top: Fear of a Brown Planet’s Aamer Rahman and Nazeem Hussain; Tom Parry, Ben Clark and Matthew Crosby from Pappy’s; Fabian Barba will perform as part of Dance Umbrella

Matthew Bourne’s Sleeping Beauty The latest collaboration between choreographer Bourne and designer Lez Brotherston is this re-telling of the Tchaikovsky classic, which reaches from the 19th century to the present day. A gothic fantasy that addresses some of the puzzles in the original fairytale. Theatre Royal, Plymouth, 5 to 10 November, then touring. new-adventures.net

03.09.12 The Guardian 17

Above: Studio Orka presents The Legend of Woesterdam. Below: Playwright Lucy Prebble

Theatre By Michael Billington and Lyn Gardner

This House James Graham has a formidable track-record as a chronicler of modern history: in Eden’s Empire (2006) he tackled the Suez Crisis. He now moves to a larger stage with a play about 1974, when an inconclusive election raised

the spectre of coalition government. Phil Daniels and Philip Glenister star. National theatre, London, 18 September to 1 December. nationaltheatre.org.uk

barriers by playing many Shakespearean roles traditionally reserved for white actors. Tricycle, London, 11 October to 24 November. tricycle.co.uk

The Astronaut’s Chair Why didn’t women play a bigger part in the space race? Rona Munro explores the female pioneers who aimed to ﬂy higher. Drum theatre, Plymouth, 20 September to 6 October. theatreroyal.com

The River After Jerusalem, Jez Butterworth’s new play has been eagerly awaited: there has been a real hoo-ha over the fact that Ian Rickson’s production takes place in the tiny Theatre Upstairs. But it is an intimate threehander, starring Dominic West, Miranda Raison and Laura Donnelly, and it seems right that artistic considerations should predominate. Tickets for each night’s show will be available online from 9am or at the box-oﬃce from 10am. Royal Court, London, 18 October to 17 November. royalcourttheatre.com

The Legend of Woesterdam Studio Orka, a Belgian collective of site-specific artists, has created this adventure show for children aged eight-12 in a secret location. A huge hit all over Europe, it tells of a city where people have lost the ability to love. Mitcham Common, London, organised by the Unicorn theatre, 21 to 23 September. unicorntheatre.com Medea Rachael Stirling plays a woman spurned, with murderous consequences. Mike Bartlett rewrites Euripides to make it a play for today, in which Medea is a modern wife and mother intent on punishing the man who has deserted her. Citizens’ theatre, Glasgow, 27 September to 13 October, then touring. headlongtheatre.co.uk Red Velvet Indhu Rubasingham kicks off her tenure at the Tricycle with a new play by Lolita Chakrabarti about the 19th-century African American actor Ira Aldridge. Adrian Lester plays this iconic figure, who broke down cultural

Artists’ Laboratory 05 Hughie O’Donoghue RA Until 14 October 2012 www.royalacademy.org.uk

Supported by the Friends of the Royal Academy Hughie O’Donoghue RA, Road (detail), ‘The Skeleton Town of Cassino’, 2011–12. Oil and transparent photographic prints on prepared plywood panel, with pages of the Gramina Britannica. 36 panels, each 36 x 56cm. Image courtesy of the artist.

18 The Guardian 03.09.12

Classical By Andrew Clements

Birmingham Beethoven cycle All the symphonies, concertos, piano sonatas and chamber music will be included in Birmingham’s extravaganza. The focus is on Andris Nelsons and the CBSO’s cycle of the nine symphonies; it starts with the First and Second Symphonies, separated by the Violin Concerto with Baiba Skride (pictured) as soloist. Symphony Hall, Birmingham, 19 and 20 September. thsh.co.uk Der Ring des Nibelungen Keith Warner’s problematic production

The Effect Enron writer Lucy Prebble is reunited with director Rupert Goold in this exploration of love and neurology. Billie Piper and Jonjo O’Neill will star as the lovers who meet while undertaking a pharmaceutical research trial. Tickets go on sale 24 September. National theatre, London. 23 November to January 2013. nationaltheatre.org.uk Rats’ Tales Folk tales from around the world reinvented for the stage. The pairing of poet laureate Carol Ann Duffy with director/ designer Melly Still should make this a terrific family show. Expect something enchanting, cheeky and a little bit dark. Royal Exchange, Manchester, 29 November to 12 January 2013. royalexchange.co.uk

returns for three more cycles. On the plus side, Antonio Pappano is conducting, Bryn Terfel is Wotan once again, while Susan Bullock is Brünnhilde and John Tomlinson a potentially showstealing Hagen in Götterdämmerung. Royal Opera House, London, 24 September to 2 November. roh.org.uk Arvo Pärt Weekend The penultimate instalment of Minimal Extreme, Glasgow’s three-year-long celebration of minimalism, focuses on just one composer. Paul Hillier and the Theatre of Voices take up residence for a pair of concerts built around two of Arvo Pärt’s most celebrated choral works, the Stabat Mater and St John Passion. City Halls and Kelvingrove Art Gallery, Glasgow, 27 and 28 October. glasgowconcerthalls.com

Left: Sienna Miller as Tippi Hedren in The Girl. Far left: Sheridan Smith as Mrs Ronnie Biggs

TV By Vicky Frost

Mrs Biggs ITV looks at the Great Train Robbery from the point of view of Ronnie Biggs’ then wife, Charmian. The underrated Sheridan Smith plays the titular role with great style, while Danny Mays is excellent as her infamous husband. ITV, September

PHOTOGRAPH BBC, MANUEL VAZQUEZ FOR THE GUARDIAN

Hunted It looks like Spooks, sounds like Spooks, and is even made by the same company. But BBC1’s new international spy drama starring Melissa George – a co-production with HBO’s Cinemax – is altogether more high-end, with MI5 ditched in favour of spying for paying clients. It is, possibly, even more ludicrous. BBC1, October Hotel GB Either a brilliant idea or a hideous one: let viewers check in to a hotel run by C4 stars including Gordon Ramsay and Mary Portas (dare you to leave them a bad Trip Advisor review) and help to raise cash for employment charities. Book by emailing beahotelguest@optomen.com. Channel 4, October

A Young Doctor’s Notebook Daniel Radcliﬀe and Jon Hamm star in an adaptation of Mikhail Bulgakov’s short stories for the Playhouse Presents strand. The four-part drama draws on Bulgakov’s time as a doctor during the Russian revolution. Hamm as the central character talks to his younger self, played by Radcliﬀe. Sky Arts, December

Girls British audiences have had to wait for HBO’s comedy drama about a group of 20-something women living in New York. But Lena Dunham’s show – she writes, stars and sometimes directs – ﬁnally makes its way to UK screens this autumn following largely positive US reviews. Sky Atlantic, October

The Girl BBC2 has been on ﬁne form, with a series of ambitious dramas. The latest is The Girl, starring Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock and Sienna Miller as Tippi Hedren, the last of the “Hitchcock blondes”. The single drama explores Hitchcock’s obsession with the star of The Birds. BBC2, December

Oliver Knussen at 60 The first of the BBC’s Total Immersion days is devoted to one of the most influential living British composers and conductors. The programme ends with the composer himself conducting a programme of his music; on the previous day, there are two performances of Netia Jones’s staging of Knussen’s double bill of Sendak operas, first seen at Aldeburgh in June. Barbican, London, 3 and 4 November. barbican.org.uk

work. Former Peter Brook collaborator Yoshi Oida directs the staging, with Martyn Brabbins conducting and Roland Wood taking the lead role. Coliseum, London, 5 to 28 November. eno.org

The Pilgrim’s Progress English National Opera continues its sterling service to 20th-century British opera with the ﬁrst major-house production for more than half a century of Vaughan Williams’s greatest stage

Huddersﬁeld contemporary music festival Britain’s leading showcase for new music opens with a concert devoted to Irish composer Donnacha Dennehy; other highlights include a new string quartet from Huddersﬁeld regular Rebecca Saunders, and UK premieres of works by Wolfgang Rihm, Matthias Pintscher and Hans Abrahamsen. Various venues, Huddersfield, 16 to 25 November. hcmf.co.uk

03.09.12 The Guardian 19

Theatres

Three Mixed Bills including works by Mark Morris, Christopher Wheeldon, Helgi Tomasson and Ashley Page

SAN FRANCISCO BALLET

Entertainment

Helgi Tomasson Artistic Director & Principal Choreographer

Friday 14 Sunday 23 September Image: San Francisco Ballet in Wheeldon's Number Nine. (ÂŠ Erik Tomasson)

Television

h I see, that’s the secret. There was a warning on the BBC previews website where I watch programmes in advance: keep the Doctor Who (BBC1, Saturday) secret until transmission or suffer the consequences (extermination by Dalek, I imagine). It’s the Doctor’s new companion. We totally knew it was her, though, nice Jenna-Louise Coleman off Emmerdale, didn’t we? But we weren’t expecting her arrival until Christmas. Steven Moffat, who wrote this episode himself, has pulled a fast one, sprung Christmas – well, her – on us early. Crucially, there’s an overlap. Naughty Doctor. Remember when you were still in the dating game and the next one was already lined up before the last one was completely over? (I was always the last one, if I’m honest.) Well, Amy Pond – Karen Gillan – is still very much around. And I’m pretty sure I still have feelings for her. Not hapless, hopeless Rory, he can go (via Dalek, Weeping Angel, who cares?). But I’ve always carried a sonic screwdriver for Amy Pond. Billie Piper too, seeing as this seems to be honesty time. What about this Clara Oswin girl – the character Coleman plays – then? Well, she is undeniably rather lovely, in her red dress. In distress too, imprisoned alone on the Asylum of the Daleks, a dumping-ground planet to which the Doctor’s mortal enemies send the psychotic and insane among them. Can there be anything scarier than a million mad Daleks? Oswin deals with what looks like a hopeless situation practically – by boarding up the doors, hacking into the Daleks’ systems, and blasting out Carmen. Like it. She doesn’t just know shit about computers, she’s classy. You wouldn’t catch Amy Pond listening to Bizet, would you? Never mind Doctor Who; I’m beginning to think Amy Who? Plus Oswin is a domestic goddess

Doctor Who and companions in Asylum of the Daleks

Last night's TV Scary, loopy and fizzing with wit: Doctor Who takes on a million mad Daleks

By Sam Wollaston too: she bakes. The Mary Berry effect has reached even the Asylum of the Daleks. Soufflés, mmmm. Oh, it’s burnt, well she can work on that. And the soufflé is mainly an elaborate and roundabout way for Moffat to shoehorn a laboured pun in. Eggs terminate. Pfff. Eggs actly. The laboured pun – yeah, like I can talk! – and the exciting new arrival aside, this is a lovely episode, overflowing with Moffatism and, well, Doctor Who-ness. It fizzes along, sparkling with life, warmth and wit. It looks good (love the Parliament of Daleks). It’s scary – quite scary (maybe there is something scarier than a million mad Daleks. I’m thinking those Weeping Angels are. How about two

AND ANOTHER THING

I see Keith Allen and Lionel Shriver are going to be ﬁlmed taking ecstasy for Channel 4. S’pose I better have one too, just to review it.

million – or a billion – of them?). It’s loopy – how can the Doctor possibly get out of this one … oh, like that. And because I’m a bit fuddled and firmly in my 40s, I find that a lot of the time I don’t understand what the hell is going on. What, so Oswin is a demented Dalek too? Oh, that seems a pity, and how’s that going to work out when she gets the side-kick job full-time? The M1A2 Abrams tank, subject of Richard Hammond’s Crash Course (BBC2, Sunday), is possibly the nearest thing our own planet has to a Dalek right now, with its big lethal prong and its capacity for killing. Its nickname, too – Whispering Death – could easily be the title of an episode of Doctor Who. The Hamster (he did actually use to be Jeremy Clarkson’s pet, did you know?) is not so moved by this machine’s ability to exterminate human life, though. To him, it’s a big boy’s toy. 1500 horse power, more than a Formula One car, phwoar; top speed of 45.1mph; 120mm smooth-bore main gun; 240 calibre machine gun … hey this is like playing Top Trumps. Only it’s Richard (I can’t quite bring myself to call him the Hamster – it conjures up Hollywood rumours) who’s playing. We just get to watch. So, in Fort Bliss, El Paso, Texas, a bunch of dudes with offensive haircuts let Richard play in their big tank. He gets to drive, and squash cars, to fire the machine gun, and the big gun. He whoops and says it’s awesome, unlike anything else he’s even been in. And at the end of three days, the dudes with offensive haircuts declare what many of us have long suspected: that Richard Hammond is a total tanker. Seriously, that’s what they call people who operate tanks: tankers. Later on in the series, he’ll be learning how to be a complete trucker. High five.

03.09.12 The Guardian 21

TV and radio

Film of the day The Shining (9pm, TCM) Jack Nicholson’s deranged writer stalks the blood-drenched corridors of the Overlook hotel in Stanley Kubrick’s unhinged horror classic

A Mother’s Son, ITV1

Watch this Horizon: How Small Is the Universe? 9pm, BBC2 Following on from last week’s How Big Is The Universe?, tonight’s Horizon documents the quest to discover the most minuscule objects lurking in the inﬁnite wilderness. The programme hears from scientists looking to uncover multiple dimensions and evidence of parallel universes. Novelist Peter De Vries once suggested that the universe is like a safe to which there is a combination, but the combination is locked in the safe. Lucky for us, then, that cosmologists are so determined to crack the cosmic strongbox. Mark Jones

A Mother’s Son 9pm, ITV1

Citizen Khan 10.35pm, BBC1 More hijinks from Sparkhill, Birmingham, “capital of British Pakistan”. This week, bumptious community leader Mr Khan (co-writer Adil Ray) plans a networking meeting with local businessmen. First, however, he must take his 80-year-old mother-in-law on a predictably fraught shopping trip. As per, the show combines old-fashioned sitcom pratfalls with telling satire: “I’m not an immigrant!” blusters Khan. “Immigrants are eastern Europeans, coming over here and taking the jobs from Pakistanis.” Ali Catterall

The Treasures Of Ancient Rome 9pm, BBC4

Certain statements have become so ubiquitous, it’s Struggling through reed beds, and bleeding from a easy to overlook how much even a fatal wound, ound, a teenager they shrivel under ev is in distress. stress. “I’m cursory inspection: “There sorry,” she says. Curiare no second acts in ous lastt words. So begins American lives”; “The Romans did didn’t do a psychological hological drama art”. In the ﬁrst that, initially nitially at least, part of this new spins around the series, Ala Alastair issue off whether Sooke set sets out motherr Rosie (Herto debunk the mione Norris) can latter, exp explaining trust her er own child, how the Ro Romans Jamie (Alexander pioneered a new Arnold). d). Underpinrealism in ssculpning a sense of things ture (perfect (perfecting not being ing quite as they “the inner wo workings appear, r, Rosie’s family is of the mind through uneasily ly fused with that th an understand understanding of of her new partner Ben physiognomy” (Martin n Clunes). Worth physiognomy as Antony Gorm Gormley a look, though suspendsays), while th the ing disbelief belief may help emperor Aug Augustus at points. nts. Concludes used art to b build an tomorrow. row. Jonathan an Wright Citizen Khan, BBC1 empire. AJC

22 The Guardian 03.09.12

BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

Channel 4

6.0pm BBC News (S) Weather 6.30 Regional News Programmes (S) Weather

6.0pm Eggheads (R) (S) 6.30 Celebrity MasterChef (S) The ﬁnal heat of this year’s contest begins.

6.0pm Local News (S) Weather 6.30 ITV News And Weather (S)

6.30pm Hollyoaks (S) (AD) The Savages try to pick up the pieces. (This programme will not be broadcast on Channel 4 HD.)

7.0 The One Show (S) Presented by Matt Baker and Alex Jones. 7.30 Fake Britain (S) City of London police oﬃcers track an audacious ID fraudster. (Followed by BBC News; Regional News.)

7.0 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip (S) One Foot in the Grave co-stars Richard Wilson and Annette Crosbie hunt for antiques to take to auction. New series.

7.0 Emmerdale (S) (AD) Amy gets tired of Kerry’s lying. 7.30 Coronation Street (S) (AD) Eileen replaces Paul’s vase.

7.0 Channel 4 News (S) (This programme will not be broadcast on Channel 4 HD.) 7.30 Paralympic Games 2012 Tonight (S) Featuring athletics and swimming. Hosted by Clare Balding and Ade Adepitan .

8.0 EastEnders (S) (AD) Kat struggles to resist the charms of her secret lover. 8.30 Dial 999 — And Wait?: Panorama (S) Are cuts in public spending aﬀecting response times by the emergency services?

8.0 University Challenge (S) Magdalen College, Oxford v Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge. 8.30 Lorraine’s Fast, Fresh And Easy Food (S) (AD) Lorraine Pascale oﬀers advice on baking.

8.0 Paul O’Grady: For The Love Of Dogs (S) New series. The comedian follows life at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home. 8.30 Coronation Street (S) (AD) Tommy’s exhaustion puts him in danger.

9.0 New Tricks (S) (AD) The team reinvestigates the case of a missing PE teacher after human remains are found near the boarding school where he taught.

9.0 Horizon: How Small Is The Universe? (S) The work of scientists hunting for the tiniest things there are, hoping to catch a glimpse of miniature black holes and even parallel universes.

9.0 A Mother’s Son (S) (AD) Part one of two. A woman suspects someone in her family may have been involved in a murder. Starring Hermione Norris and Martin Clunes. Concludes tomorrow.

10.0 BBC News (S) 10.25 Regional News And Weather (S) 10.35 Citizen Khan (S) (AD) A shopping trip threatens Mr Khan’s chance to mingle with leading lights of the Sparkhill Business Association.

10.0 James May’s Things You Need To Know (S) (AD) What’s the fastest way to travel around the world? May explores the science of speed. 10.30 Newsnight (S) With Jeremy Paxman. (Followed by Weather.)

10.0 ITV News At Ten And Weather (S) 10.30 Local News/ Weather (S) 10.35 Land Of The Dead (George A Romero, 2005) (S) (AD) Visceral zombiehorror sequel. Starring Dennis Hopper.

11.05 Gavin & Stacey (R) (S) (AD) Dave’s not happy when Nessa says she’s taking baby Neil to Essex. 11.35 The Lock Up (R) (S) Sgt Dave Porteus goes to the aid of a woman who has tried to kill herself.

11.20 Toughest Place To Be A Nurse (R) (S) (AD) Preston nurse Maria Connolly works at a hospital in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, a city with one of the world’s highest murder rates. Last in the series. (Shown yesterday.)

Radio

exploration of how life on the West Coast has inﬂuenced his work. 1.0 BBC Proms Chamber Music. Live from London’s Cadogan Hall, French pianist Pierre-Laurent Aimard performs music by Debussy, who was born 150 years ago. Presented by Clemency Burton-Hill. Repeated on Saturday at 2pm. 2.0 Afternoon On 3. From the Royal Albert Hall, the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra perform Glinka’s Overture to Ruslan and Lyudmila, a new work by Emily Howard and Shostakovich’s Symphony No 7. (R) 4.30 In Tune. Sean Raﬀerty talks to conductor David Robertson and members of the St Louis Symphony Orchestra, and all this week, Suzy Klein invites writers

Radio 3

90.2-92.4 MHz 6.30 Breakfast. Music, news and the occasional surprise, presented by Petroc Trelawny. 9.0 Essential Classics. Including the Essential CD of the Week: Anne Queﬀelec playing Scarlatti Sonatas. The Artist of the Week is David Oistrakh and Rob Cowan’s guest is zoologist Miranda Krestovnikoﬀ. 12.0 Composer Of The Week: John Adams. Donald Macleod talks to American composer John Adams (b 1947) every day this week, beginning with an

10.30 The Last Leg With Adam Hills (S) The comedian oﬀers an alternative review of the day’s Paralympics action.

11.15 The Girl Who Became Three Boys (R) (S) The story of 21-year-old Gemma Barker, who was convicted of fraud and sexual assault after using online male alter-egos to seduce two teenage girls. to discuss the Grimm Fairy Tales. 6.30 Composer Of The Week: John Adams. Donald Macleod talks to American composer John Adams (b 1947) every day this week, beginning with an exploration of how life on the West Coast has inﬂuenced his work. (R) 7.30 BBC Proms 2012. Suzy Klein and Kirsty Young present a celebrity concert to celebrate 70 years of Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs. Keith Lockhart conducts the BBC Concert Orchestra. 10.0 The Lebrecht Interview. American composer and conductor John Adams recalls his early years learning the clarinet and how he got involved in performing concerts of music by John Cage. Last in the series.

10.45 The Essay. Richard Witts explains the ambitions and idiosyncrasies of the early 20th century Music Appreciation movement, beginning by discussing the work of its British pioneer Percy Scholes. (R) 11.0 Jazz On 3. New rockimprov quartet Collider in session, featuring Leedsbased musicians Chris Sharkey, Matthew Bourne, Dave Kane and Chris Bussey. 12.30 Through The Night. Including music by Scheidt, Monteverdi, Praetorius, Grieg, Beethoven, Hummel, Donizetti, Janacek, Smetana, Chopin, Corelli, Rossini, D Scarlatti, Bach and Mendelssohn.

Radio 4

92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz

Full TV listings For comprehensive programme details see the Guardian Guide every Saturday or go to tvlistings.guardian.co.uk/

Channel 5

BBC3

BBC4

6.0pm Home And Away (R) (S) (AD) Romeo hits the grog. 6.30 5 News At 6.30 (S)

More4

Atlantic

Other channels

6.25pm Paralympic Games 2012 (S) With swimming, athletics, and table tennis. Coverage continues on Channel 4.

6.0pm ER (R) Carter saves the life of a gunshot victim – who is then murdered.

E4 6.0pm The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon takes charge of Penny’s hair accessories business. 6.30 The Big Bang Theory. Penny feels threatened by a sexy woman. 7.0 Hollyoaks. Esther skips college. 7.30 How I Met Your Mother. Robin refuses to go to the mall. 8.0 New Girl. Jess returns to the ﬂat after spending an idyllic week with Russell. 8.30 Suburgatory. Dalia throws Tessa an extravagant birthday party. 9.0 Revenge. The night of Emily and Daniel’s engagement party arrives. 10.0 Beaver Falls. A publicity-seeking prophet declares the end of the world is nigh. 11.0 The Inbetweeners. The lads visit a Caravan Club meeting. 11.35 Celebrity Bedlam. Lee Kern plays pranks that test celebrities’ thirst for fame.

7.0 World’s Scariest Near Misses (R) (S) Including the story of a pilot who bailed out seconds before his plane crashed. (Followed by 5 News Update.)

7.0pm Don’t Tell The Bride (R) (S) History-loving and cravat-wearing groom Nathan gets £12,000 to pay for his wedding to Nikki, who hopes for a pink, girly and fun day.

7.0pm World News Today (S) Weather 7.30 Metal: How It Works (R) (S) Materials scientist Mark Miodownik travels to Israel to explore how mankind ﬁrst extracted copper from rock.

7.30 Gok Cooks Chinese (R) (S) Gok prepares steamed lemon sole, plus Poppa Wan’s easy Peking duck with pancakes and all the trimmings.

7.0 House (R) (S) (AD) Wilson brings both his career at the hospital and his friendship with House to an end. Opening episode in season ﬁve.

8.0 Frontline Police (S) A drugs raid becomes a chase when a suspect escapes through the back door. (Followed by 5 News At 9.)

8.0 Small Teen Turns Eighteen (R) (S) (AD) Jazz Burkitt, who has restricted growth, prepares for her 18th birthday. Meanwhile, her father, Paul, begins a methadone detox programme.

8.30 Only Connect (S) Three teachers compete against a trio of IT specialists. Victoria Coren hosts.

8.0 Grand Designs (R) (S) (AD) A scientist attempts to build a carbon-neutral home.

8.0 Seinfeld (R) (S) George borrows his father’s classic car. 8.30 Seinfeld (R) (S) Part one of two. Jerry and George get the green light for their new sitcom.

9.0 Celebrity Big Brother (S) The usual highlights from the CBB house.

9.0 Our War (S) (AD) A war diary reveals how the failure of a radio cable had dire consequences for troops serving in Afghanistan. Last in the series.

9.0 The Treasures Of Ancient Rome (S) New series. Alastair Sooke charts the Romans’ artistic achievements. First up, the progression from copycats to pioneers of unﬂinching realism.

9.0 Grand Designs Australia (S) New series. A couple build a 1960s-inspired house in the beachside suburb of Brighton, Melbourne. Hosted by Peter Maddison.

9.0 Alan Partridge: Welcome To The Places Of My Life (R) (S) Alan tours his favourite places in Norfolk. Spoof documentary, starring Steve Coogan.

10.0 Celebrity Wedding Planner (S) Neighbours star Ryan Moloney and former cast-mate Mark Little plan a wedding in a zoo for a couple.

10.0 The Revolution Will Be Televised (R) (S) Guantanamo Bay inmates take part in a sports day. 10.30 EastEnders (R) (S) (AD) Kat struggles to resist the charms of her secret lover.

10.0 If Walls Could Talk: The History Of The Home (R) (S) (AD) Lucy Worsley traces the history of the bathroom.

10.05 Stalked (S) First Cut documentary focusing on a single man whose life was blighted by a stalker. 10.40 Embarrassing Bodies (R) (S) How stress can aﬀect people’s health.

10.0 Hunderby Helene tries to cheer up Edmund by buying him a dog. 10.30 This Is Jinsy (R) (S) (AD) Maven decides to ban a thrash-rock band.

11.0 Celebrity Big Brother’s Bit On The Side (S) Emma Willis presents the CBB companion show.

11.0 Family Guy (R) (S) Stewie becomes obsessed with Lois. 11.20 Family Guy (R) (S) Peter’s parents get a divorce. 11.45 American Dad! (R) (S) Francine gets a new job. (First episode in a double bill.)

11.0 The Shock Of The New (R) (S) Art critic Robert Hughes looks at how artists reacted to the ﬁrst world war. (First broadcast in 1980.)

11.45 One Born Every Minute (R) (S) (AD) A prospective mother who hates needles dreads the prospect of having an epidural. Last in the series.

11.0 Seinfeld (R) (S) (Shown at 8.0pm.) 11.30 Seinfeld (R) (S) (Shown at 8.30pm.)

1.0 The World At One. Presented by Shaun Ley. 1.45 Coming Out. The ways in which people reveal their true selves to the world. (R) 2.0 The Archers. (R) 2.15 Afternoon Drama: Craven: Looking For Mr King. By Amelia Bullmore. 3.0 Round Britain Quiz. New series. Hosted by Tom Sutcliﬀe. 3.30 The Food Programme. Sheila Dillon explores the history of British mustard. 4.0 Mr Jupitus In The Age Of Steampunk. Phill Jupitus steps into an era where the 19th and 21st centuries collide. 4.30 Beyond Belief. Discussion on religious responses to economic inequality. 5.0 PM. With Eddie Mair. 5.57 Weather 6.0 Six O’Clock News

6.30 Just A Minute. With Paul Merton, Sue Perkins, Liza Tarbuck and Graham Norton. 7.0 The Archers. Mike feels torn. 7.15 Front Row. An interview with Damian Lewis. 7.45 (LW) Dissolution. By CJ Sansom, adapted by Colin MacDonald. 7.45 (FM) Dissolution. By CJ Sansom, adapted by Colin MacDonald. 8.0 The Speaker, Behind The Scenes. Mark D’Arcy proﬁles John Bercow, the Speaker of the House of Commons. 8.30 Crossing Continents. Tessa Dunlop examines the problems caused by the construction of a mine in Romania. (R) 9.0 Material World. With Quentin Cooper. (R) 9.30 Amanda Vickery On — Men. The explorer as the idealised man. (R)

6.0 Today. News headlines and sport. 9.0 Amanda Vickery On — Men. The explorer as the idealised man. 9.30 Head To Head. An archive debate on the subject of the permissive society. 9.45 (LW) Daily Service. Led by Mgr Tony Rogers. 9.45 (FM) Book Of The Week: Winter Journal. By Paul Auster. 10.0 Woman’s Hour. 11.0 Journey Of A Lifetime. Jaswinder Jhalli explores the lives of the gauchos of Argentina. 11.30 Everyone Quite Likes Justin. New series. Justin has to cope with going to his school reunion without a plus one. 12.0 News 12.04 You And Yours. 12.45 The New Elizabethans. The life and career of Tony Blair. 12.57 Weather

9.59 Weather 10.0 The World Tonight. News round-up. 10.45 Book At Bedtime: Sweet Tooth. By Ian McEwan. 11.0 Word Of Mouth. The practice of reading aloud to family and friends in a domestic setting. (R) 11.30 Today In Parliament. Sean Curran reports on the start of the week’s business in Westminster. 12.0 News And Weather 12.30 Book Of The Week: Winter Journal. By Paul Auster. (R) 12.48 Shipping Forecast

Radio 4 Extra Digital only

6.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 6.30 Rogue Male 7.0 Bookcases 7.30 Just A Minute 8.0 Beyond Our Ken 8.30 Steptoe And Son

9.0 Clare In The Community 9.30 All The Young Dudes 10.0 Design For Murder 11.0 Diving Belles 11.15 Loose Ends12.0 Beyond Our Ken 12.30 Steptoe And Son 1.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 1.30 Rogue Male 2.0 Ladies Of Letters Log On 2.15 This Sceptred Isle 2.30 Book At Beachtime: Arthur And George 2.45 Beowulf 3.0 Design For Murder 4.0 The 4 O’Clock Show 5.0 To The Manor Born 5.30 Bookcases 6.0 Journey Into Space 6.30 Brave New World 6.45 Ghost Stories By MR James 7.0 Beyond Our Ken 7.30 Steptoe And Son 8.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 8.30 Rogue Male 9.0 Diving Belles 9.15 Loose Ends 10.0 Comedy Club: Just A Minute 10.30 Clare In The Community 11.0 Chain Reaction 11.30 Micky

Film4 7.05pm Picture Perfect. Romantic comedy, with Jennifer Aniston and Jay Mohr. 9.0 Transporter 3. Action thriller sequel, starring Jason Statham. 11.0 Pretty Bird. Premiere. Comedy, starring Billy Crudup. FX 6.0pm Leverage. The team cons a fraudulent hedge fund manager. 7.0 NCIS. A private investigator discovers the body of a missing Navy oﬃcer. 8.0 NCIS. The investigation into a petty oﬃcer’s death takes a strange turn. 9.0 Burn Notice. The team tries to prevent a violent mercenary causing chaos. 10.0 Falling Skies. Tom is reunited with his old mentor Professor Arthur Manchester. 11.0 Family Guy. Stewie becomes convinced he has skin cancer. 11.30 Family Guy. Quagmire loses his job as a pilot. 12.0 American Dad! Stan uses CIA brainwashing to control Hayley. ITV2 6.0pm The Jeremy Kyle Show USA. The host takes his successful talk-show stateside. 7.0 Super Tiny Animals. The growing demand for miniature pets. 8.0 The X Factor. The auditions continue. 9.0 Gladiator. Oscar-winning Roman epic, starring Russell Crowe. Flanagan: What Chance Change? 12.0 Journey Into Space 12.30 Brave New World 12.45 Ghost Stories By MR James 1.0 Sherlock Holmes With Carleton Hobbs 1.30 Rogue Male 2.0 Clare In The Community 2.30 All The Young Dudes 3.0 Design For Murder 4.0 Diving Belles 4.15 Loose Ends 5.0 To The Manor Born 5.30 Bookcases

World Service

Digital and 198 kHz after R4 8.30 Business Daily 8.50 From Our Own Correspondent 9.0 News 9.06 HARDtalk 9.30 The Strand 9.50 Witness 10.0 World Update 11.0 World Brieﬁng 11.30 Scott’s Legacy 11.50 From Our Own Correspondent 12.0 World Have Your Say 12.30 Business

Sky1 6.0pm The Simpsons. Homer builds a robot for Bart. 6.30 Futurama. Fry meets a mermaid. 7.0 The Simpsons. Homer is forced to make a tough decision. 7.30 The Simpsons. Homer tries to be a better father. 8.0 A League Of Their Own. With guests Rio Ferdinand and Lee Mack. 9.0 Ross Kemp: Extreme World. New series. The battle for Karachi in Pakistan. 10.0 Road Wars. Police officers combat vehicle crime. 11.0 Cop Squad. The work of police officers in Cambridgeshire. 12.0 An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington goes on a world tour, beginning with a visit to China. Sky Arts 1 6.0pm Spectacle: Elvis Costello. Mary-Louise Parker interviews the musician. 7.0 Hay Sessions 2012. An interview with Harry Belafonte. 8.0 In Confidence. An interview with playwright Alan Ayckbourn. Last in the series. 9.0 Paul Smith: Maximising Britishness. A profile of the fashion designer and businessman. 10.0 The Beatles In Washington DC. A recording of the band’s first-ever American concert. 10.25 Beat Beat Beat. The Yardbirds perform. 10.40 The Ronnie Wood Show. The Rolling Stones guitarist talks to Paul McCartney. 11.40 Spectacle: Elvis Costello. Mary-Louise Parker interviews the musician. TCM 7.30pm The Fighting Lawman. Western, starring Wayne Morris. 9.0 The Shining. Horror, starring Jack Nicholson. 11.20 The Challenge. Martial arts adventure, starring Scott Glenn.

Family Guy, FX Daily 12.50 Sports News 1.0 News 1.06 HARDtalk 1.30 Outlook 2.0 Newshour 3.0 World Briefing 3.30 The Strand 3.50 From Our Own Correspondent 4.0 News 4.06 HARDtalk 4.30 Sport Today 4.50 Witness 5.0 World Briefing 5.30 World Business Report 6.0 World Have Your Say 7.0 Sportsworld 8.0 News 8.06 HARDtalk 8.30 Outlook 9.0 Newshour 10.0 World Briefing 10.30 World Business Report 11.0 World Briefing 11.30 The Strand 11.50 Sports News 12.0 World Briefing 12.30 Outlook 1.0 World Briefing 1.30 World Business Report 1.50 From Our Own Correspondent 2.0 News 2.06 HARDtalk 2.30 Outlook 3.0 Newsday 3.30 The Strand 3.50 Witness 4.0 Newsday 4.30 Discovery 4.50 From Our Own Correspondent 5.0 Newsday

03.09.12 The Guardian 23

On the web For tips and all manner of crossword debates go to guardian.co.uk/crosswords

Puzzles

Sudoku no 2,282

Quick crossword no 13,204 1 Relatives (one’s own?) (5,3,5) 8 Incite (4) 9 British crown colony from 1842 to 1997 (4,4) 10 Leeway (6,4) 12 Mortar’s partner? (6) 14 Piece of cake (6) 15 When everything goes wrong (with one’s locks?) (3,4,3) 19 Bit (8) 20 Idea (anag) (4) 21 Where giant relief carvings of four US presidents are to be seen in South Dakota (5,8)

5 8

1 3 2 4

11 12

9 7

18 19

6 6 8

17 Domain (5) 18 Saint’s light overhead (4) Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0039 or text GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day and date the crossword appeared another space and the CLUE reference to 85010 (e.g GUARDIANQ Wednesday24 Down20). Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Texts cost 50p a clue plus standard network charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline).

4 2

1 5

7 9

Solution no 13,203 ABRACADABR C U S K T O AUTOPS I ES B L I M E I OTHER BEATN R I I O H I NFANT PAYO M A J R O E L L I P S E I ND T U A S A EAT SNUBNOS R I S I N K ANAESTHET I

A A I F R E C

P A C K O F C A R D S

Medium. Fill the grid so that each row, column and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. Printable version at guardian.co.uk/sudoku

Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0036. Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline). Free tough puzzles at www.puzzler. com/guardian

Solution to no 2281 9 7 8 5 3 2 6 1 4

5 3 4 6 9 1 8 2 7

6 2 1 8 4 7 3 5 9

1 4 6 7 5 8 9 3 2

3 5 7 2 1 9 4 6 8

8 9 2 3 6 4 5 7 1

2 8 5 4 7 3 1 9 6

4 6 9 1 2 5 7 8 3

Garry Trudeau

Doonesbury

3 7

Down 2 Askew (8) 3 Small branch or shoot (5) 4 Track eventer (7) 5 Wild dog (5) 6 Furiously (4,3) 7 Grunt (4) 11 Poisonous shrub, also called rosebay (8) 13 From Lhasa, perhaps (7) 14 Underwear (for artists?) (7) 16 Kitchen utensil for cutting vegetables (5)

9 2

Steve Bell is away

24 The Guardian 03.09.12

7 1 3 9 8 6 2 4 5

Want more? Access over 4,000 archive puzzles at guardian.co.uk/crossword. Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save £7.96). Visit guardianbooks.co.uk or call 0330 333 6846.

Across