Never Alone

Learning to control your Borderline Personality Disorder without it controlling you

Words and Photography Kate Beveridge

I had made the mistake of going out drinking on a pub crawl in Buenos Aires, against all my better judgment. Alcohol amplifies the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and makes it so much harder to block out the intrusive thoughts that I am ugly, unwanted and unlovable. When these thoughts had taken over, I had called my boyfriend in Australia and asked him over and over if he still loved me and if he was going to leave me.

I laid naked in the fetal position on the floor of the hostel shower, crying uncontrollably while my friend stood over me to supervise.

This intense fear of abandonment is characteristic of BPD, and one of the symptoms that I struggle with the most. My friend had decided that this was toxic behavior and took my phone away from me. I felt a raging, exploding, blind panic at being torn apart from my main support system. I started threatening to jump off the roof of the building if she didn’t give me my phone back. These aren’t actions that I’m proud of, but the urge to manipulate to avoid abandonment is a big part of living with BPD. I have to ignore those impulses each and every time I get upset.

Read the rest of the story on our Unbroken issue.