Conversion

written by Frank Ampil visual by Joseph Bryant J. de los Santos

The following transcript is a series of statements extracted from the audio diary of Jack Torres, more commonly known by the moniker Di-Bakla Dave from his roles in advertisements by Camp Harromog, the most famous conversion therapy organization in the Philippines of the 2000s. The entry was made June 6, 2006.

[CLICKS] I haven’t used one of these in a while, but Father Rodrigo says they’re always here for us to use. I think Father listens to them, though, even when he says no one’s supposed to, and that’s how he knows which one of us needs more help than the others, which one of us really needs the God to be struck into us until it hurts. Brings us to our knees. I think after this, that’ll be me. But I really couldn’t give less of a damn anymore. How could I? The camp… I really did believe in us. In them, I mean. Really devoted my entire body, heart, and soul to what I thought they could do, to wash this ungodly filth of my mind. And for a while, I was convinced it was working, that I was actually being straightened out. Hell, I even joined those damned commercials, became Harromog’s face because I truly was fooled into being a so-called success story. Ten years of life, given to this place. Taken away by this place. Stolen from me. I have not succeeded in anything but lying to my damn self. I used to walk out of Harromog’s doors, see the protesters outside with their redlettered signs, and think to myself, what a pity. But I walk through those doors now still. Every-damn-day. And there’s no one there anymore. They must have… (LAUGHS) Must have found someone else better to care about. Must have moved on to the next issue or worldly problem. I don’t blame them. I… I did this to myself. I’m the one who came here. (SIGHS) But it wasn’t just me, you know? Right? It was… It was Axel Domingo, Drey Raymundo, Bert Alemany and how they’d always call me names and shove me to the ground, then they’d hump each other in the classroom like they weren’t just attacking me for it. It was the priest at my old church, who told me that sex between two men will send us to hell, but if he touches a boy, it’s to make him feel good. (PAUSE) It was my parents. My parents who told me they loved me. That they’d always take care of me, and be there for me, then sent me to this camp in the first place to heal and get better like this thing was a disease. And now, it’s me. Sometimes, people stop to thank me for starring in those damn commercials because they think I’m doing the Lord’s work. They take me by the shoulders, call me Dave, and I can feel myself empty. And I want to tell them I don’t do this for the Lord, I do this because I hate myself and that helps me get to sleep better than being in touch with… you know. I’ve been growing restless lately. I could run into a wall and keep

bashing myself into it just to release the feeling. Is that normal? I don’t think it is, but I don’t know how to express how hounded I feel every day, every night, every waking moment of my damn life. It was like that for a while. I didn’t know how to go on. The wedding rehearsals for me and Lisa were starting, people went in and out of the church to set up cameras, lights, and all that. And I thought, damn, I’m stuck here forever. But… How do I say this? [PAUSE] I met someone during the rehearsals about a month ago, and we just clicked. He makes me feel like I could get away with anything scot-free. Makes my heart pound when our hands barely graze, who I can feel pin me down with his stare. It’s crazy to feel this way, but I’m actually motivated to act like a normal person around…around Chino. Even saying his name, I get jittery and excited and scared, but no one else makes me feel this way. He always reaches for me. No one does that. And I’d reach for him back if there weren’t so many people. And he steals me away, asks me if I’m doing good, and I only answer yes because that’s how I feel with him. Lisa is… She’s a great girl. She’s trying so hard to do this straight thing, so good for her. But I can’t anymore. I don’t care. About her, Father Rodrigo, the wedding. Everything inside me that I’ve bottled up is breaking as I say this, but Chino makes me feel like I’m not such a waste. I think even as this wedding comes through and the cameras start rolling and everyone in the pews watch me closely, I feel like Chino can take me away. And he invited me to. He snuck into my room, asked me to go and run, and right then and there, I knew I wasn’t hopeless. We’re leaving in the morning. I just needed to get this off my chest, and… Just that. This barely scratches the surfaces, but I’ve done more with this than I have anything else. I get hot and sweaty and tingly, thinking about it. That the next time anybody sees me, I could actually be happy. [CLICKS]

The wedding of Jack Torres and Lisa Locsin, as mentioned in the tape, aired on television without interruption to controversy stirred by LGBTQIA+ groups on June 7, 2006, one day after the alleged recording of the tape, one week before the body of camera-man Chino Almodovar was found. Twelve years after the incident, the death of Chino Almodovar remains unsolved. The presentation of these tapes by Locsin, another victim of Camp Harromog, however, may lead them to reopen the case, with Father Rodrigo Chua as the main suspect. Torres filed for annulment from Locsin in 2016. His whereabouts remain unknown.

visual by Jezaira Z. Constantino