Generate Sparks for Your in the Dark Heart

CARLEN COSTA EXPLAINS HOW HAPPINESS BEGINS WITH INTENTIONALITY, WEED AND A DELICATE TOUCH—THIS SPRING, LET’S BRING SUNSHINE INTO THE BEDROOM.

Getting lit for your love is about being intentional and baby cakes, this is the wake-up call to start blazing some life back into your heart’s home. Does it currently feel like you’re just co-existing in your relationship? Passing the moments, one Netflix episode, one box of mac n’ cheese, one toke at a time? Is your thumb cramped because you’re sick of swiping through all the dating apps, porn no longer stirs the appetite and you’re pretty sure your soulmate must be tied up in someone’s basement because where they at already?

Feeling stale isn’t just about bread it’s about the goodness you bake into your life and your relationships with intentionality. Intention is how we regulate the temperature of our relationships and bring us back to one another. Common signs of loneliness or an overdry relationship are: feeling unfulfilled, a lack of communication or withdrawal, unproductive routines, lack of sex or sexual desire, and repeated disagreements that you just can’t quit.

Intention breathes fresh air into connections with one another and with our personal wellness. The body knows when you’re lonely and you’ve stopped trying. Over time, loneliness and a lack of connection can seriously impact your mental health and make you go from hot and broody to cold and moody. This is why making the time to be with loved ones—for sex or companionship—during the winter months is crucial in the management of Seasonal Affective Disorder. What body function is as important as breathing? In certain crowds, the answer would be an orgasm. However, physiologically speaking, it’s actually the regulation of your core temperature, aka thermoregulation. Your survival primarily depends first on oxygen, then on an adequately cooled or heated body. In compliment, there’s this theory called “social thermoregulation,” which posits that our social networks evolved around keeping us warm. Essentially, humans have evolved to demonstrate that the more social you are, the better you are able to regulate your core body temperature in the cold. This is partly why we cuddle.

It’s notable that having high quality relationships (not quantity) is a social determinant of your overall mental health and wellbeing, and now you can also say that having a healthy relationship(s) with others and yourself keeps you lit from the inside out. So, when the weather outside is frightful, the inside starts to feel so much more delightful—but how do you keep the spark in your intimate relationships aroused when there’s not a lot to do? And, if you’re single, how do you stay motivated to leave your house and connect with others in a meaningful way?

Here are some awesome ideas to elevate your coupled or solo date nights—and yes, you can have a date night for yourself—inspired by cannabliss’d connections:

Try the sexological body work tool called “sensate focus” and use cannabis oil in your practice. Sensate focus is a sex therapy technique that works to maximize your sensations by refocusing on sensuality, instead of goal-oriented behaviours focused on the genitals and penetrative sex.

Not enough time for full-body touch? Break it down and either give (yourself) or get a foot or hand massage with your favourite cannabis oil.

This one is my favourite: Naked Sundays that start with an infused coffee/tea, that turns into after-brunch mid-morning sex or masturbation session (while the kids have 30 minutes of TV time and you do the dishes later).

Plan a (self)lover’s spa-night-in with an infused face mask, infused facial serum, infused body scrub, infused beard oil and infused toothpaste—all new legal cannabis products available across the country.

Tired of the bar scene? Same. Try eating an edible and having a living room dance party instead! Movement is medicine and cannabis makes it a ritual. Plus, the DJ is so much better when you get to choose the tunes.

OK, this one is actually my favourite: have sex with cannabis! Plan a sexy date night with a sultry playlist, cannabis consumption, canna lube, candles, lingerie, infused chocolate, sex toys…(get a baby sitter) and sloooowww it down. Feel your body connect in new ways as your ECS fires off all the good signals to keep you hot for days. Note: if you are on your own and doing this to yourself, the same rules apply! Try a different porn site or, too much porn? Take an edible and get into erotic reading, erotic audio stories or just let your mind find new frontiers!

Being sexy on a budget is about having a great time with what you already have laying around and waiting to be reimagined. Here’s three DIY sex toys you probably already have in your home:

CANNABIS OIL: You already have this in your stash kit, but if you further dilute it in olive or coconut oils, it’s now a lubricant. And, if you warm it up with a couple drops of your favourite body-safe essential oil, it’s now a delicious massage oil.

LEATHER BELT: You don’t need to worry about the feeling of metal on your skin because a leather or fabric belt, tied in a figure eight, is a great alternative to handcuffs. Added bonus: you can wrap your belt around your wooden headboard without worrying about scuffing.

FROZEN GRAPES (INFUSED): Light the fire or some candles, turn on the twinkly lights, take a hot bath, then pull out your infused grapes from the freezer and pop a couple in your mouth for the coolest blow-job of the season.

Staying mentally cool and emotionally open is all about making and taking the time to intentionally connect that’s why I love talking about and supporting cannabis for our intimate and mental health. Consumption initiates intentionality that can inspire and motivate you to elevate your wellbeing and loving for hours. Need some more advice?

I’m Carlen Costa, DHS, MPH, ACS OCSWSSW Psychotherapist, Clinical Sexologist & bestselling author. Sex, cannabis and mental health is what I do best, in and outside the bedroom. Book a therapy session or sign up for one of my emotional makeover therapy programs and stay lit with me all year long. www.carlencosta.com @carlen.costa