10 STEPS TO INCREASING YOUR SELF CONFIDENCE RELEASE YOUR INNER ROCK GODDESS Kate Taylor
About Kate Up Coaching is Kate Taylor, on a mission to change the world, one gorgeous person at a time.
Kate is a leading Personal Performance Coach, Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner, Speaker and Trainer. Her fresh approach to coaching brings super-sharp perspective and awareness. Blending a mix of intuitive and creative coaching methods to unearth the real issues in order to challenge limiting beliefs and behaviours. Kate works alongside clients as cheerleader, challenger and champion supporting them to make changes so they can live their happiest and most fulfilled lives. Her Make a Change programme and workshops are delivered both online and throughout the UK; designed to empower people to design and create their best lives. Kate has a background in music, fashion and the high demanding world of marketing communications; where she spent many years working to help household brands become famous. She came to coaching at a time in her life when the BIG questions were spinning round and round and not getting answered. So profound was the response to working with a coach that she decided to train in coaching herself, so that she could focus her attention on helping other people answer their big questions in order that they too can live a life full of happiness and purpose. To get in touch with Kate to find out more about her approach to coaching and how you can work together to make a positive change in your life visit www.upcoaching.co.uk, or email
kate@upcoaching.co.uk
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Hello there lovely OK, call me super sharp; I'm guessing that you're here because you are in need of a confidence boost. Don't ask me how I know, I just get that sense. It's important for you to know right now, that you're not alone. There are always times when we could do with an extra boost of something to help us get through a particularly challenging time. Or, when we know we’re facing something we know we're going to find tough, and we need to call on our inner reserves to get through it. Sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like you've got enough of the good stuff that everyone else seems to have; the hustle to tussle. This book is dedicated to you. However you are feeling right now, and whatever those feelings are doing to hold you back, whatever your circumstances; you are taking some steps forward from here-on in. You are on the path towards increased confidence in whichever area of your life you feel you need it. In this book I share 1 0 steps to help you increase your confidence, and by confidence, I mean whatever that means to you, because we are all different. This book is jam-packed full of useful tips, exercises, motivation and a whole heap of inspiration to help you feel like the best kind of person you can be. The exercises are designed to help raise your awareness and get you thinking outside of yourself. What I would recommend is getting a notepad you can dedicate to working through the exercises and for making notes along the way. So...Let's go!
Kate x Life Coach | Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner
Up Coaching
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Why I wrote this book I’ve been there, I’m no different to you. I’ve really struggled with what I thought was a second rate version of a person walking in this world. There was a time when I would walk down the road, head down, arms protectively folded. My fear was what people might see is that the me walking towards them was basically a rubbish version of a human being. And that was not a nice feeling. My esteem was low and my confidence towards achieving my full potential needed a serious rocket up its backside! It was a completely false unrealised fear, as most fear is. Now, my life is a very different place. Over the years I have worked to change myself and my mindset, All done this with a mix of coaching and determination, as well as being a bit kinder to myself. I’m not saying that I’m completely without the doubts that creep in from time to time. I’m still a work in progress, and will always be, as we all are every day. What I can guarantee you, is that you can - and will - change the way you feel and talk about yourself; both within and on the outside. With help from this book, and a little more of that good stuff I know you’ve got in bucket loads; we’re going to increase some self love and faith in all that you are, and what you can achieve. Can I just say before we start; that I already know you are beautiful in every way, so let’s get you starting to believe it too.
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Life's like a movie. Write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending. Jim Henson
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CREATE YOUR OWN BESTSELLER It’s said that everyone has a book inside of them. Well now’s time for you to ink your quill; to put that pen to paper to create best book of all time!
Chapter one:
Start out by making a record of all the things you are grateful for in your life.
Chapter two:
Write a list of your best qualities (if you can’t think of your own, ask the people closest to you).
Chapter three:
Make note of the things you are most proud of having achieved.
Chapter four: Keep a record when someone says something positive to you about something you’ve done, as well as your characteristics. For example, have you been told you are kind, or warm, or compassionate, or helpful? These are just starter chapters. You can add as many as you like, and keep adding to it. What about your favourite stories, memories, people, or places you've been? If you like to get creative why not bring in images, inspirational quotes and passages of prose to dress your bestseller in style? 6
Exercise Use this space to make some notes; you could use bullet points as a starting point:
Chapter 1 - What are the things you are most grateful for in your life?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
Chapter 2 - What are your best qualities?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
Chapter 3 - What are you most proud to have acheived?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
Chapter 4 - What are the positive things that people say to you?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... 7
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Compliments are gifts which are given from one person to another.
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LEARN TO ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS How often are you given a gift that you completely dismiss out of hand? Sounds pretty rude huh? Now, think about this; every time someone gives you a compliment and you don’t accept it, you are being bloody rude! OK, unintentionally, but if you consider that a compliment is a gift given from one person to another, then learning to accept that gift is the best thing you can do, for yourself, and the gift giver. Also consider it a gift given to your confidence. So, next time someone pays you a compliment, stop yourself from batting it away. Simply say thank you, and repeat it over in your head. Store it away for those times you need to dig into your reserves. And, don’t forget to write it in the notes for bestseller from exercise 1 .
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Exercise For the next seven days, make a note of all the positive / encouraging / lovely things that people have said to you: Day one: ....................................................................................................................
Day two: ....................................................................................................................
Day three: ....................................................................................................................
Day four: ....................................................................................................................
Day five: ....................................................................................................................
Day six: ....................................................................................................................
Day seven : ....................................................................................................................
Looking back over the last week; what have you noticed?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
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You are every lovely word I could ever think of. Anon.
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SHARE THE LOVE Candi Statton is a wise disco diva type woman. She told you damn straight that ‘You’ve got the love’. And she’s right. So, why not share some of that love to make the world a better place? OK, so this might sound like a hippy utopian ideal, but we gotta start somewhere, right? Starting with ourselves, and with the sphere of influence we hold around us. Sharing love, being kind, giving the gift of affection to others will not only make someone else feel great, but it will increase your own sense of positive self.
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Exercise Make a commitment to do something nice for someone close to you each day for a week. Ring a friend you haven’t spoken to in a long time and take a real interest in what they’ve been doing. Do something unexpected for someone who lives on your street who you’ve never spoken to. Where in your local area could you help by simply giving some time, or sharing your knowledge? Maybe find out how you can help out on a community project.
What do you notice about yourself, or your relationships with other people?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................... ...................................................................................................................
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I thrive on failing. I thrive on things not being perfect. It sends me back into the ring to get it right. Tom Ford
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FALL IN LOVE WITH FAILING Learning how to fail fast is possibly the most vital thing you can do to increase your self confidence. Failure is super important in helping to build confidence. Sounds crazy right? Bear with me on this one. Fear of failure can be one of the most debilitating issues we face in life. The fear can be crippling. It can lead to inaction and that dreaded Procrastinator rearing its head. Now, just imagine what you could do if you removed this fear, and simply gave yourself in to making mistakes? What would it be like if you could adopt the philosophy that there is no such thing as failure; that everything that goes wrong is simply a learning experience? When we learn, we increase flexibility and resilience, which gives way to a greater understanding and power of choice. It’s like building an emotional muscle each and every time – now who said you don’t go to the gym? So, next time you fail, do it fast and do it with style and with grace. Then look take a look at which way will you will pogo, limbo or samba your way around a similar issue next time. Take notice of what you’ve learnt with your sexy new moves. 18
Exercise Think back to the last time you ‘failed’
What did you learn?:
.................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What could you have done differently?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What do you need to pay attention to that you hadn’t before?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What would you do if you could face that same situation again?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What did you learn about yourself that you will take forward?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What could you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What 3 actions could you take from the above learnings?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... 19
....................................................................................................................
No matter how you feel; Get up, dress up, show up, and never give up. Anon.
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FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT You know that feeling when your hair looks great, your make up has gone on perfectly and the pavement feels like your very own catwalk? Now imagine how it would be if you could feel like that whenever you choose? Confidence is something that you can rock on with your best frock on. However, it can take a bit of practice to really feel it, and involves a little fakery of the mind in order to teach it the right walk to strut. So, who are you going to become to feel that confidence? What kind of things do you see when you see the most confident you? What kind of things do you say to yourself when you feel self-assured; put that track on repeat, repeat, repeat! How do you hold yourself when you are feeling on top of your game? Do you puff out your plumage and stand tall? What about other people? What makes them shine? Look, observe and try it on. Imitating that gorgeous confidence will help you to ooze it. Act as if you have all the confidence you need. After all, pretending is rehearsing and your brain doesn’t know the difference between fact and fiction. So own that room, and you’ll start owning yourself. 22
Exercise Write a list of what it feels like to have confidence / feel confidence: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What confidence characteristics and traits would you like to have?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
When I am confident I: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
When other people appear confident they: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
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A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. Anon.
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TRY SOMETHING NEW When was the last time you did something new for the first time? So, the saying goes; Do something each day that scares you. Just make sure it doesn’t scar you! Challenge yourself. Take yourself out of your comfort zone and once it’s done, reflect on what you’ve learnt about yourself through trying something different. Doing something new affects our well-being in lots of positive ways. New ideas and challenges will not only stretch your imagination and sense of curiosity, but looking back on your achievements will make your confidence grow. Remember what it was like the last time you learnt something new? Took a course? Got a new skill?. How did that make you feel? OK, so you may have been a little nervous on the outset of trying it, but how did you feel once you had completed it? And what did you learn throughout? Why not start with something as simple as taking yourself off for lunch on your own at a cafe or restaurant you've always wanted to try. You could them move on to that thing you’ve always wanted to do, but has so far stayed on life’s ‘to do’ list? Skydiving, salsa, standup paddleboarding yoga? It doesn’t have to cost the earth, it's all about the experience. The world is your lobster baby. 26
Exercise Write a list of things you've always wanted to do.
Score each on possibility / cost / likelihood. Pick three things which you can do quickly and easily: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What satisfaction will you get out of trying something new?: ....................................................................................................................
What would you choose to do if money, time, commitments were no issue?: ....................................................................................................................
Who could you get to do something new with you?: ....................................................................................................................
What commitment will you make with yourself to try something new?: .................................................................................................................... Once you’ve done this new project, hobby, etc:
How do you feel now?: ....................................................................................................................
What did you learn that you didn’t know before?: ....................................................................................................................
How can you take your learnings forward into other areas of your life?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... 27
Comparison is the thief of joy. Theodore Roosevelt
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QUIT THE COMPARISONS Do you look at that person on the escalator at the tube station with their amazing look going on and fantasize about what kind of super cool life they must lead? With their super cool parties? And their super cool friends? Don’t tell me the little green eyed monster just hope that they trip up that last step with their skirt tucked in their knickers. Has your work colleague got that combination of beauty, style, raw talent and an easy manner that everybody just loves? And they’re funny! Phnfff. Do you secretly hope that they have some kind of deformed webbed toe thing going on under their perfect shoes? It’s so bloody unfair that it all seems so much easier for everyone else out there, and so tough for you with holes in your tights and your bad hair day going on? Well, here’s the news…I can pretty much guarantee you that they will be feeling exactly the same as you. Whilst it's natural for us to look at that person who seems to have it all and make comparisons, all it does it belittle who you are and what you’re capable of. Comparing yourself won’t do you any favours and is a false economy. You can only live your life and you are doing it just brilliantly sweetcheeks. You are you, no one else. Focus on your positives. Take time to appreciate the special things that make up you and your life. Work it through your own style of heart and hustle.
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Exercise What area(s) of your life do you think you are most lacking?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
How would you like it to be?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
Who do you find you compare yourself with on a daily basis?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
What are the three things you most commonly compare with other people, for example: figure, relationship, family life, money, etc. : 1 ................................................................................................................ 2 ................................................................................................................ 3 ................................................................................................................ How can you start taking some actions towards dealing with, or working towards getting the things you think you don’t have?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
Who can help you / support you as you make changes?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... 31
Always wear your invisible crown.
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STAND TALL OK, I’m going to let you into some trickery of the mind, and a fast-acting quick-win confidence booster; NLP stylee. It’s as simple as this…
Change the way you are standing and where you are looking. That’s it. That’s the big secret. Ah huh yeh. You can literally choose how you want to feel by changing the way your stand or where you look. And it’s so bloody straightforward right? In NLP terms it works like this; by simply changing your posture and physiology you change your ‘state’ and your unconscious releases power signals. This, in turn, changes your thinking and makes a massive difference to the way you feel. This is all about adopting your power pose – you know Wonder Woman stylee. If Wonder Woman aint your thang, and you’re more a Beyoncé kinda girl, that’s cool, just think about it – even Beyoncé has release Sasha Fierce to get on it. You just try feeling down when you have your head high and your chest puffed out! Try feeling tired when you are bouncing around like Tigger. You can literally choose how you want to feel; confident, clear-headed, ready for the world by adopting the pose of someone who is. It’s the same with where you hold your gaze. Looking up instead of giving all your energy to the pavement will take you out of your head and into the clouds of possibilities. Try it. Notice what you notice. Walk that walk. Keep your head high and the rest of you will follow.
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Exercise What does a confident person look like? How do they hold themselves? How do they hold their heads? Where do they look? What do you notice about them?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
If you could adopt some of the above; what would your Power Pose look like?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... Try it on for size, where it for a while, practice it in the mirror at home so you feel confident and comfortable. When you come across a situation where you would normally feel nervous / intimidated / unconfident. Wear your Power Pose and imagine yourself with a silver cord coming out of the top of your head.
What difference did this make?: .................................................................................................................... .................................................................................................................... Spend a week counting chimneys, or looking at the details on the top of buildings.
What do you notice about how you feel at the end of the week?: .................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................................................
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Tell the negative committee that meets in your head to sit down and shut up. Ann Bradford
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REGOGNISE YOUR INNER BULLY If you had someone telling you each and every day that you were not worthy, that you were bound to fail, that there’s no way you’ll succeed because people like you just don’t; what would you do? How quickly would you tell them to go f**k themselves? What would you do if that person was talking that kind of dirt to one of your best friends? Well, just hold my coat will you? That person’s in for a right royal pasting. But wait…isn’t this what happens to you each and every day inside your own head? If you wouldn’t allow this to happen to your best friend or little sister, then why are you letting that nagging bullying voice get away with it? It’s time to take control. Right now. Start by making a list of the kind of thing your inner critic plays on repeat. Being aware of your negative self-talk is the first step to changing its patterns. Be aware of the kind of stuff it says to you and try and work out the place that it stems from. Is it a hangover from your childhood, or a bad experience? What have you got that disproves the critic’s theories?
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Exercise My inner critic is fond of saying: ....................................................................................................................
This holds me back from doing things because: ....................................................................................................................
I think this may stem from: ....................................................................................................................
This isn’t true any more because: ....................................................................................................................
What would you like to say to your inner critic in response?: ....................................................................................................................
My inner critic's name is: ....................................................................................................................
What shape / object colour represents your inner critic?: ....................................................................................................................
If you could give it a silly voice, what would it sound like?: .................................................................................................................... Over the next 7 days practice responding with positive messages to your inner critic, as if it were a person / object
What do you notice about the strength of the feeling your inner critic has now?: ....................................................................................................................
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Surround yourself with people who believe in your dreams.
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SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVITY You’ve heard the saying that you are the people you spend the most time with? So, what happens to your confidence if you spend time with negative people who live their lives in fear? You’ve guessed it, you become negative and fearful and ultimately, you will lack confidence. Energy and emotion is contagious. Studies have shown that you increase your happiness by 9% for each happy positive person you share time with. It’s also said that you become the 5 people you spend most of your time with. So just make sure you are catching the right kind of energy, and that’s the stuff that will help you to evolve with confidence. OK, so it may be a little unrealistic if you have people in your life who are inclined to be on the cynical side. And, you may have little choice, or inclination, to not be around them. Instead, be aware when they are likely to drain your energy, and make sure you wear your energy-sapping force field.
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Exercise The five most positive influences I have in my life are: 1 ...................................................................................................... 2 ...................................................................................................... 3 ...................................................................................................... 4 ...................................................................................................... 5 ...................................................................................................... Positive people are most likely to say: .......................................................................................................... .......................................................................................................... ..........................................................................................................
Positive people are most likely to: .......................................................................................................... .......................................................................................................... ..........................................................................................................
What can you take from the above to take 3 actions forward?: .......................................................................................................... .......................................................................................................... ..........................................................................................................
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So.... How are you feeling now you’ve got to the end of this book? Boosted? Ready to take action? Feeling a change coming on? What are you going to do next? Run and hide, or stand up and face the world head on? However you are feeling, and whatever actions you are going to take, I hope that what I’ve written about has made an impact on you. Take notice of what is going on for you and what has stood out as a result of reading the book and doing the exercises. Where are those lightbulbs going off? If there’s something which resonates with you more than something else, then that’s OK, just work with that. Maybe in time you will find it useful to come back to some of the other passages to refresh how you are feeling, to see what difference it makes your confidence flowers. I would also encourage you to revisit the exercises in around 3-6 months time. This is because as you grow and develop and experience different situations and challenges, so too will your resilience and your response to them. Notice what you notice as you go back through this book. And don’t forget that if this seems too much of a daunting task to do on your own, then enlist the help of a coach! Get in touch with me kate@upcoaching.co.uk if you would like to chat about how we can work together to take you even higher on your trajectory, whilst maintaining a steady pace to really starting to get the good stuff done. With all my love
Kate x
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