14 The Journal
Bullying gone viral By Katherine Luck
It all started, as these things often do, because of a boy. Seventeen-year-old Emily* started dating a boy at her high school — a boy her best friend had previously dated. When the boy and her best friend decided to get back together, and Emily remained friends with both members of the reunited couple, the trouble began. First, there were rude text messages. “I was fine with her telling me how she felt about things,” said Emily. “Random girls started in on it — girls that I thought were my friends.” Then came cruel comments posted on Emily’s Facebook page and on Formspring, a new “ask me anything” website that allows anonymous postings to users’ profiles. “I’d be getting 25 or 30 messages day about how much of a slut I was and I’d be better off dead,” Emily recalled. Soon, the cyberbullying was unrelenting. “Someone would post something on Facebook and within 30 seconds there would be 50 comments. It wasn’t just [kids from] one school, because all these girls are interconnected,” said June*, Emily’s mother.
“In the old days, you used to write it on the wall. But today, the wall is digital.” The bullying eventually moved from virtual to physical. Emily’s house was egged, then defaced with graffiti. Her car was keyed. “I had a glass bottle thrown at me one time,” she said. The school stepped in when Emily confronted one of the ringleaders. In the middle of the hallway, Emily called the girl the same slur that had been texted and posted to her social media accounts dozens of times. Emily was charged with verbal abuse and suspended from school. “It didn’t stop,” she said.
The new bully on the block
Cyberbullying occurs when people use electronic devices to send or post a message to intentionally hurt or embarrass a person, according to Shannon Sessions, Lynnwood Police public information officer and crime prevention specialist. “That’s the distinction: That it was intentional,” she emphasized. “Obviously any words that are emotionally abusive that you can text or e-mail could also be construed as crossing the line. [Also] threats — or veiled threats — to embarrass or hurt somebody.” According to the police department’s
Back to School • September 7, 2010
school resource officer, “Almost 100 percent of the time, it was a two-way problem, until one [person] escalated slightly. The victim is usually not 100 percent innocent,” said Sessions. “Girls can be best friends one day; ripping each other apart on Facebook the next day.” The school resource officer recently estimated that cyberbullying is committed over 90 percent of the time by and against females, she added. “It’s a growing problem and it’s everywhere. ... This is all just another way to ‘get at’ people.” “In just a decade, this has changed so dramatically. ... There are moms all across the country — all across the world — who are dealing with it,” said June, who went through a similar bullying issue with her older daughter in the era before Facebook and smartphones. “The behavior is nothing new. But the ability to spread and grow the mob [mentality] is new.” “The thing that is dangerous is you can save and forward texts and e-mails,” said Sessions. “It’s a vicious cycle that kids feel like they can’t get themselves out of.”
What parents can do
Fortunately, kids can get themselves out of it, though it may take time, patience and the involvement of parents, school officials and
occasionally the local police department. “Cyberbullies, just like regular bullies, are people who have sad hearts and need to hurt others to make themselves feel better,” said Sessions. “In the old days, a bully would take you aside and whisper in your ear. Now, you have proof.” Even with proof, cyberbullying isn’t always a criminal matter; though the police may be able to step in if the cyberbully poses a threat that is both viable and credible, and that the victim believes is a true threat. However, there’s not much the police can do about kids who are posting or texting insulting comments. Some families choose to sue the bully’s parents to recover costs such as enrollment fees if their child had to change schools due to cyberbullying, according to Sessions. “Even though something might be legal [it] doesn’t mean it’s right,” she said. “The biggest thing to do is to be communicating with your kids and educating them before this happens.” “I think a big part of it is learning from a young age that it’s not right,” said Emily. “I’m past my insecure stage. If I’d heard this Continued on page 15 >
The Journal • Back to School
Bullying gone viral < Continued from page 14
stuff at [age] 11, I’d be a different person. ... People are committing suicide because of what people are saying. I’m glad I don’t know anyone who has died because of it, but there have been some close calls.” “Even though you might be doing the right thing, your kids could still be a victim
September 7, 2010 15
of cyberbullying. But they’re less likely to be a victim if they know what could happen,” said Sessions. Beyond keeping the line of communication open between parents and children, and teaching Internet etiquette from an early age, Sessions specifically advised that parents avoid fueling a situation that has the potential to become cyberbullying. “A lot of the parents will get in on it,” Emily explained. On Facebook, she re-
Online resources to combat cyberbullying • • •
National Center for Missing & Exploited Children: www.netsmartz.org/safety/safetytips.htm National Crime Prevention Council: www.ncpc.org/topics/cyberbullying Anti-Defamation League: www.adl.org/education/cyberbullying
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ported, some moms who have “friended” their kids as a way to them safe from online preditors will confront kids they felt were bullying their child — and not always in a mature way. “Mostly this is a teenager issue, but not always,” Sessions said. “Adults, too, can be really immature and not sensitive. ... If you feel like things are escalating, you need to step back.” For Emily, her way of stepping back was to change schools. “I’m leaving. My mom’s paying $10,000 for me to go to [private] school for one year,” she said. “I don’t hate the girls who said bad stuff about me. I feel sorry for
them. A lot of them don’t have a mom like my mom.” “Becoming an adult is not streamlined. It’s a rocky, rocky road. Adding in this digital element adds this noise that’s not necessary,” said June. “It’s a very powerful tool. You can use it wisely, or you can devastate people’s lives.” “I just know it sounds cheesy, but I always say ‘Stay classy.’ Writing on people’s Facebook, their Formspring — it’s not classy. Sit down and have a conversation,” Emily said. “Don’t even listen to it. Don’t respond to it. It makes you the better person. Stay classy.” *Name has been changed to protect the individual.