Let's talk about sex by Katie Jones

Contents:

Page 2 ................. Undressing Disability — the campaign

Page 3 ................. Let’s get down to business — an honest introduction to sex and disability Page 5 ................. Dating when disabled — Ted’s thoughts, personal experiences and advice Page 7 ................. Accessible sex toys and tools — some of our favourite companies Page 9 ................. Real talk — a true story about online dating and feeling hopeless Page 11 ............... Tips for the bedroom — positioning, pain and intimate conversations Page 13 ............... Intimacy, not intercourse — sex, chronic pain and fatigue Page 14 ............... Communication — is it the answer to everything? Page 15 ............... I’m an adult! — establishing boundaries with parents and PAs Page 17 ............... Real talk — a true story about relationships and a parent’s opinion

Undressing Disability A campaign aiming to raise standards in sexual health and sexual awareness for disabled people Having a disability can be a very isolating experience. As well as physical barriers, there is still a huge amount of prejudice towards disability amongst the general public. People often hold the misguided notion that disabled people can’t, don’t or won’t have sex. There is a stigma that unfortunately is often internalised by disabled people who often suffer with self esteem problems as a result. Our campaign focuses on raising standards in key areas: • Inclusive sex and relationship education • Meeting the sexual needs of people with disabilities in Residential Care • Professionals working with disabled people to consider sexual needs as part of their practice Lack of support Issues around sexuality and sexual frustration are frequently raised by disabled people who feel that they have less opportunity and ability to explore their sexuality than others. Through a lack of understanding, education and a general lack of services, disabled people frequently cannot access the support that would make it possible for them to make the sorts of choices about their lifestyles that most of us take for granted. Free advice on all things sex, love and disability Feeling alone and need to talk to someone? Looking for down to earth advice or need some practical tips on sex, relationships and flirting? Please talk to our resident love and sexperts in the Love Lounge!

Scan me to find the Love Lounge online

@UndressingDisability @ETUKUndressing 2

Let’s get down to business an honest introduction into sex and disability 3

Everybody wants to feel that they ‘belong’ and finding a sense of belonging with another person is very important to so many of us. Yet, finding a ‘soul mate’ for many people is not so simple, especially when you have a disability. Even if you’re in an established relationship, all sorts of tensions and difficulties can crop up. It’s especially hard if one of you becomes chronically sick, disabled or has an impairment which changes. It can then become not only something you both need to get your head round, but could mean your partner now has to assist you in different ways and offer you ‘care’ in a way they haven’t done before. The dynamic of your relationship could change. Sex might become physically or emotionally difficult. Or you may end up feeling like you’re living with your best friend and that sex is off the menu all together. Maybe you’re single and want to date, have fun, find the person of your dreams? Or you want to play the field but are scared of ending up feeling like a novelty shag. Where do you look for a partner? How do you approach intimacy? When do you mention an impairment or disability?

Living in a care home and maintaining or even establishing a relationship is no easy feat. Lack of information, attitudes, privacy and access are massive barriers. After all, how many double beds have you ever seen in a care home?

Chemistry Counts Ted, one of the sexperts, perfectly summarises what disability and intimacy is all about: “Yeah technique and skill are great things, but when there’s a click and tonnes of chemistry these things seem superfluous. As a disabled person seeking to be intimate, or indeed a non-disabled person seeking to be intimate with a disabled person, you may occasionally ponder how the restricted movement won’t restrict the quality of the sex. However, if the chemistry is perfect between the two, the end-product will be too! Do what feels right for you At the end of the day, don’t forget that it’s your body and your life. Empower yourself and remember you are the one who gets to choose. If it’s what you want, go and get it.

Ted’s thoughts, personal experiences and advice on

Dating when disabled

Finding Love I met my partner on a dating website. In the five or so years before that, I changed from thinking of myself as a complete romantic write-off to someone who knows what they’re doing. My experiences of it arguably buck the trend of most things I read by disabled daters. But the reality is for online dating to work, you’ve got to put some effort in! My practical tips and honest advice are shared below. Introductions are Everything

Hi. How r u? Hey. How’s it going? Hello. What’s up? Are you still reading? I hope so. Still, I can’t blame those who have clicked away. I have (at least on a non-ironic level) made no effort to arouse and sustain your interest. So it’s totally understandable if you’ve been distracted and turned to the flashiest thing on your screen. Introductions are everything. So get creative. Send imaginative messages, but also make sure that your profile sells you well. Everyone’s Superficial! “Everyone’s superficial!” I hear you cry. Well yes, there are lots of people who are superficial on dating sites. Why are you wasting your time with them?

Ultimately, if your entire message is solely saying “Hi. how r u?” they probably think you’re superficial too! That’s probably the same message they got from other guys who were panting like a dog in heat at a flash of cleavage. Not the epitome of feeling wanted! In my experience the average woman on a dating site isn’t short of messages. So, she’ll have little desire to give a seemingly unimaginative message any attention. Here, you have two options: 1) Only message matches you can see genuine common ground with 2) Or maybe slightly overplay the potential connection to spark a rapport Admittedly, the second is slightly shady, but sometimes potential takes time and exploration Perfecting Your Profile I see people focus purely on their disability when writing their dating profile. I’m going to be harsh but honest here. If someone has little to no prior experience of disability, they might be thrown off-kilter. So, write interestingly and positively to counter that. Write about your interests: the places you’ve visited, books you’ve read, and music you love. Pull the reader in and get them hooked on what you have to say, rather than the equipment you might use to navigate the world. That’s perhaps a more intimate chat for later on.

Choose Your Dating Site Carefully OK Cupid was my personal favourite dating site, and where I met my partner. This was because it gave me the most opportunity to go into detail and put myself across well. Honestly? It took a nudge from her housemate (Thanks Chrissie!) to get her to reply to my first message, but it worked! In fact, it’s not a bad idea to ask friends to help you write your profile. Together, you might create the perfect dating pitch. OK Cupid also had a good matching system, based on values rather than interests. An endless bank of questions you could answer gradually built up a kind of moral profile of who you were. It then matched you in % to potential partners. Obviously, it was a vague estimate but I often found the matches in the 90%s the most easy to talk to. I think my partner Astrid rocked in at 95% – see, my dear, stats don’t lie! Is it Worth it? So contrary to a lot of opinions, I say yes, online dating when disabled is worth it! Just don’t take it personally when you don’t get a reply. Your message is probably one of fifty!

Accessible sex toys and tools Some of our favourite inclusive, sexy companies Hot Octopuss

Rocks Off

Liberator Sex Furniture

The first thing that’s enticing about Hot Octopuss is their brilliant branding. Edgy rather than flirty, with tattooed, striking models that are a far cry away from the blonde, busty images that often saturate the adult world. It’s fair to say we were instantly hooked.

Rocks Off need little introduction. They are the UK’s leading sex toy manufacturer, and sell their products on pretty much every mainstream sexy website you can think of.

On the more luxurious end of the scale is Liberator, a company that prides itself on selling Bedroom Adventure Gear. Whether you’re looking for a headrest to make positioning less painful, or a chaise lounge (that can innocently appear as stylish furniture when your parents come to visit) and become a playground for your wildest fantasies behind closed doors, this is the site for you.

Hot Octopuss are on a mission to make masturbation more inclusive for every body. Their selection of pulse male toys can be used with or without an erection, and their new Queen Bee clitoral stimulator sets new standards for female toys. Not least because it boasts a long handle that is perfect for those with limited dexterity and movement. With affordable pricing and display-worthy packaging to boot, Hot Octopuss truly offers something for everyone, regardless of age or ability.

Rocks Off need to be praised beyond measure for an inclusive sex toy that is right up our street, though! The Ruby Glow is the ultimate answer to a hands-free orgasm for the seated females amongst us. Imagine a miniature, battery powered version of a sybian that you can slide underneath you without moving out of your wheelchair (the dream, I know!) True to its name, it dazzles in ruby red velvet silicone, has ten powerful functions, and can even be used through clothing. You can thank us later.

There’s wedges and ramps that can be combined to make difficult positions more accessible. And even specialist beanbags to take pressure off your joints and limbs whilst you Netflix and chill (and we all know where that leads…!) This stuff is far from cheap but, if nothing else, Liberator may well give you the inspiration you need to make your sex life all the more inclusive and fun.

Real talk A true story about online dating and feeling hopeless

I have Cerebral Palsy and I’m 30 years old. I’ve been online dating on and off for the last 10 years after I broke up with my first girlfriend. I haven’t ever had any success. I have met a few people on dating sites but ultimately I feel I’ve been used for sex as after we get it on, there’s no more contact. After a couple of years break from dating sites I decided to give it another go. I’m happy with the direction that my life is going, I’m learning to drive, I’m at college and I’m hoping to have a job in the near future. 9

To begin with I pretty much had a repeat experience in that I would message people, get a reply and start getting to know them. But I felt like I was lying as I hadn’t disclosed my disability in my profile. I always knew at some point I’d have to tell them how I am. Now I am close to giving up. I’ve decided to avoid disappointment to be up front and honest, changing my dating profile to reveal my disability, the way I want it to be. Nobody is interested. I will message someone, they’ll check my profile and not respond. Or I’ll talk to someone as before, they’ll check my profile and I’m ghosted.

I feel worthless. Like no matter how much I have in common with someone they will never see me as someone to settle down with because of my disability. I believe I’m a good person but that seems to matter very little. Any advice would be much appreciated. I need the help.

The Love Lounge response: Reading your letter really resonated with me and, I’m sure, many other disabled people that have tried to use dating apps. The familiar quandary of whether you are upfront on the profile about your disability, knowing that those who message you are obviously okay with it. Or do you hide it and let someone get to know your personality and then tell them, hoping they’ve liked you enough to give it a go? It’s hugely risky and can be so damaging for ones self-esteem. No one can know the correct way, it’s a gamble – but do what feels best for you in order to protect yourself emotionally. It sounds like it’s difficult for you to look at these dating scenarios objectively, without putting the emphasis on your disability being the issue. Hearing you say that many times it feels you have been used for sex, I would say this is commonplace, regardless of ones abilities. It might not be what you wanted but the reason for it doesn’t have to be because you’re disabled. It’s about re-framing your perception so that if such events occur, they don’t ruin your self esteem. It sounds like you’re in a really good place in your life at the moment – hence you wanting to date again – with your driving and college.

When you’re left feeling “worthless” remember to focus on what you have achieved. Don’t let the negative feelings of dating suppress your achievements. When you’re oozing confidence about yourself, this will spill out into the way you relate with others. Which leads me to another point… It might be nice for your profile to show a fun side of your personality. Perhaps a funny comment regarding your disability, should you choose to disclose it. Maybe be jokey or be flirty with it – “you never know until you try” type thing. If you sound comfortable and accepting of yourself, then hopefully the receiver will feel more at ease too. Unfortunately, people are anxious about dating people with disabilities- it’s unknown territory for many. I wonder whether choosing a photo which shows your disability may help to allow someone to see what your situation is. The imagination can lead people to think the wrong thing!

If you give people a way out/ excuse by saying ‘I know it will put people off’ then it may end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. Don’t give them the option to think that as they then might think they should be staying clear! Again, it’s a true statement that if they’re not willing to accept you then they’re not right for you – and I understand it’s coming from a place of hurt and self protection. I wonder whether you need to mention it at all, as the right people will come through whether you iterate this point or not. You’re a good looking young man and obviously have focus, determination and goals to achieve. I wish you luck with the dating and completely understand how disheartening it can be.

Remember your value. Hope this helps, and sending all best wishes, Zoe x

Tips for the bedroom 11

Positioning, pain and having those oh-so-intimate conversations

Seductive Hollywood movies and porn films are full of sleek, perfectly angled bodies having sleek, perfectly angled sex. But what happens when what really goes on between the sheets isn’t quite as in sync as we’d planned? Perhaps you’re struggling to get into those more daring, exotic (and frankly, uncomfortable) positions, or regularly experiencing pain during sex that puts a sharp stop to your partner’s orgasm. Whatever it may be, out-of-sync sex can be frustrating, difficult to discuss, and often make people feel as if their whole relationship is not quite hitting the mark, either. So, what can be done about it? Play to your strengths Going on top might prove an uncomfortable nightmare for you, but you surely have other skills that will blow your partner away! By doing what we think our other half wants and taking little enjoyment in it ourselves, we often fail to show the best of ourselves and our talents, both in and out of the bedroom. Most people would be mortified if they knew their partners were putting on a show but having a pretty rubbish time underneath it all. After all, sex is still out of sync if you have to pretend you’re enjoying it. Play to your strengths (and not just what you’re good at, but what you personally enjoy) and keep the out-of-sync sex at bay!

Wear your heart on your sleeve If something isn’t working when it comes to sex, have the confidence to bring it up and discuss it. Let’s say that it’s pain that’s stopping you both from climaxing, leading to a very frustrating ending of the session – that frustration will only get worse if you don’t dare to venture into the realms of the awkward and talk about what might be done to change your experience. Something as simple as a pillow or cushion underneath you might be the solution, or it might take a trip to the doctors. Either way, taking action will always feel better than learning to avoid sex or intimacy because it hurts (and you’ll continue to feel close and loved up with your partner if you are searching for a solution together, rather than laying their awkwardly in silence after it happens again).

Let it strengthen you Funnily enough, what often never gets mentioned in the media, is that issues that make us stop, think and revaluate often lead to positivity in some way. So, whether discussing your sex life makes it better in the long run, or having heart to hearts with your partner brings the two of you closer, ensure that you allow any out-of-sync issues to strengthen you in the future.

Intimacy, not intercourse Sex, chronic pain and fatigue When intercourse is too much (perhaps you are struggling with chronic pain or fatigue) you may want to find other ways to be intimate.

Here are a few ideas to try:

• • • • •

Dance together Shower or bath together Cuddle up Stroke or massage each other Share feelings and talk

This can all build intimacy and connection, without you paying the price for a having a bit of nookie. These alternatives are also great if penetration is likely to cause horrid UTI’s and you just can’t tolerate another course of antibiotics! Have fun and enjoy!

Communication Is it the answer to everything? Perhaps the most frequent answer to a lot of our questions is communication. Revealing your vulnerabilities can often be very bonding for you and your partner. It is also a chance for you to get what you want. No matter what you concern might be, a more open, honest and positive chat might just do the trick.

I’m an adult! The fine balance to establishing boundaries with parents and PAs

The key? Communication, communication, communication.

Dealing with protective parents Whilst it’s so tempting to shout ‘Mum, I’m an adult!’, you’re going to have to sit down and explain how you feel. Have a mature and calm adult conversation - they probably just need to see and understand your point of view.

Own your right to have a sex life. Dealing with PAs At ETUK we believe everyone has the right to have a sex life, no matter their situation! So firstly, be confident enough to be able to tell your PA what you want or need. Don’t know what to say? Try this: “I want this to happen and I’d love for you to make it easier for me”. They are there to enable these things to happen. You don’t have to worry about what someone else is thinking, it’s not their life. This is yours.

Expressing your Needs Understandably, it may feel difficult to be open with your PAs, making yourself emotionally vulnerable. But you can say as much or as little as you want to, whilst keeping yourself safe. We have found that being open and sharing things we’re embarrassed about can feel like the most scary thing. However, once you’ve let it out of your mouth and someone reacts kindly to it, it’s the most liberating thing ever! And you will then be confident to share more!

The Logistics This is where the relationship with your PA will play a part. If they change and you have a favourite, start discussing it with that one and plan for the ‘event’ to happen when they’re staying with you. When you’ve done it once with one PA, then it will be easier to do it again when another is with you. This means you won’t have to restrict sexy time to a particular week! Your live-in PA can always go out for a couple of hours so you have sex in complete privacy. But if that’s not safe for you, tell them turn their TV up! As for help in the bedroom, your partner should be happy to help you. It can become sexy in itself… moving you on to the bed, kissing you in between stages… keeping the excitement going. They can undress you too, if you need help. This can be as slow or fast as you want – it can all be very tantalising. Have confidence that if your partner wants to have sex with you, they won’t be worrying about the logistics of getting there! Don’t apologise for it, and just have fun!

Real talk A true story about relationship and a parent’s opinion I need your advice on my family’s reaction to my relationship with a disabled guy. My parents have met my partner numerous times over the past year, and we all get along well. Last month we moved in together and plan to get married. My Dad has suddenly gone a bit weird about it all, asking questions like “Who will put up shelves for you, and who will cut the grass? I’ve pointed out that its not 1950 and that I can put up shelves and cut the grass but he’s still going on about it. My partner knows there’s something upsetting me but I haven’t told him about my Dad’s comments yet. I’m not quite sure how to handle that conversation as he loves my folks. It’s really upsetting that my Dad is being off when it should be a happy time for us. 17

The Love Lounge response: Thanks for opening up about this scenario. I think it is more common than you may think, although that doesn’t make it feel any easier for you! Being in a relationship with a disabled partner can indeed bring practical problems. But there are invariably solutions to most of them. Your parents naturally want their daughter to be looked after well but your Dad is focussing on what your partner can’t do! The generations before us had their jobs clearly divided into ‘blue and pink’ jobs. Many of us now subscribe to that notion less and less. Perhaps your Dad’s perception is that to be the ‘man of the house’ you have to put up shelves and mow the lawn. This is how he felt he supported the family and looked after his girls. Doing these blue jobs validated him as a husband and father. I wonder if it might be worth a chat with him about this way of thinking – as this isn’t necessarily dependent on your partners disability. You could have a non-disabled partner who is useless at putting up shelves!

I would also consider mentioning this to your Dad – what would happen if you married a nondisabled person and then they became a wheelchair user? You would naturally have to adapt to a new way of life as he may no longer be able to do these tasks. I doubt your Dad would encourage you to leave them because they can no longer mow a lawn. It sounds like your Dad is a little fearful of the future and has gone into fatherly protective mode. A simple, adult to adult chat to reassure him may be all he needs. I think not getting angry or defensive will help you. It appears this is really coming from a place of concern from your Dad rather than a place of mean prejudice. A gentle talk, with confidence and assertion from yourself about how you will manage the household and the relationship as a whole, will allay his fears. It’s encouraging that he gets on well with your partner and has known him for a year. Your Dad will have seen the lovely attributes of your boyfriend; those you’ve fallen in love with. Hence why being in a relationship with a disabled partner

doesn’t bother you, as it is about much more than practicalities of a disability. It’s great that your partner really likes your parents, and I can understand why you may not want to disclose your Dad’s comments. It could hurt your partner and emasculate him perhaps. Or conversely, he may totally empathise with your Dad and be willing to talk to him to reassure him. He may express how he contributes to the partnership and what that looks like to him. His dedication, emotional support, commitment, love – all more important than him making Wimbledon-quality lawns! And hey, if it’s such an issue, or your partner fancies mowing – he could always get hoisted up on to a ride-on one! Good luck with the chats. I have every confidence this can be easily sorted with a bit of empathy and compassion from both sides! Zoe x

It’s time to talk about se+, love and disability Enhance the UK’s campaign “Undressing Disability” aims to raise standards in sexual health and sexual awareness for disabled people. Having a disability can be a very isolating experience. As well as physical barriers, there is still a huge amount of prejudice towards disability amongst the general public. People often hold the misguided notion that disabled people can’t, don’t or won’t have sex. There is a stigma that unfortunately is often internalised by disabled people who often suffer with self esteem problems as a result.

Let’s break that stigma.