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Fractured / depression
Fractured
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issue two depression
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the reality reality the
Fractured / depression
The following discusses suicide, mental illness and subjects that may be triggering for some. The following is based on a secondhand experience with bipolar disorder through the condition of my parent. The discussions of mental illness are not intended to generalize bipolar disorder.
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At first it was the denial of reality. When you are confronted with death– the absence of life, a discontinuation of existence, it is almost impossible to accept. Denial is common, when faced with the complexities of death. The reality of death is that it's a state of permanence beyond human comprehension. Some have strong spiritual beliefs that comfort them when confronted with this reality. But some don’t– nor are they searching for the answers to this ambiguous reality. As I write this the first anniversary of my mother’s death approaches. December 1st, 2019 was the worst day of my life and as this anniversary approaches, I dread facing the reality, once again. Truthfully, the reality is reinforced at the marking of the first day of every month, but December 1st will never be the same and without a horrible memory attached. My mom committed suicide, there is something different about death by suicide. People get quiet when you say that word, suicide. There is such a strong stigma attached, that our culture and many other cultures don’t know how to respond to someone who was affected by the passing of a loved one, let alone by suicide. The reality is that my
mom was ill, and she couldn’t live with her suffering any longer. And the reality is that even though my mom was sick, people invalidate death by suicide because they think she may have had choice in the matter. I don’t think we should stigmatize this because we can’t ever know all of the factors at play in a death by suicide. Of course, it should not be glorified but as a society we need to have the same respect for a death by suicide as a death by terminal illness. It is commonly known that bipolar disorder can be fatal in regard to the staggeringly high suicide rates among those with the illness. A lot of suicides are a result of chronic mental illness, so why should mental illness be treated differently than another terminal illness. I am intentionally speaking about the stigmatization of a death of suicide because it is a common cause of death in the United States, and we refuse to recognize the damage we do when we don’t talk about it, or mental health for that matter. This zine is dedicated to recognizing and honoring someone I lost to mental illness. Fractured seeks to dismantle the stigma of loss by suicide, by creating an open dialogue surrounding the subject and giving others the courage to share.
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Fractured / depression
Depression Depression
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If you are unfamiliar with bipolar disorder, it is characterized as a chemical imbalance of the brain, also known as manic depression. With bipolar disorder, one experiences differing levels of mania and depression and is categorized into Bipolar I and Bipolar II. Type one has more cases of manic episodes and type II has hypomania with an increase in depressive episodes. My mom had Bipolar I with rapid cycling, meaning she experienced more than four manic and depressive episodes a year.
Depression is dangerous because it can result in suicidal ideation, this becomes increasingly dangerous, the longer symptoms go untreated. It is hard to know if someone is suffering from depression but there are some common signs that manifest if you are paying attention. An individual that is suffering from depression may show a lack of interest in the usual things they do, especially a lack of engagement with social interactions and/ or communication. Other physical symptoms that may show outwardly is fatigue or the individual spends a lot Almost everyone has experienced of time sleeping. sadness and a large number of people in the United States have experienced I can describe my own depression as depression. Depression severity varies mild to moderate and when it gets from person to person, but it is worse it’s almost a feeling of having no especially severe for individuals with feeling at all – a numbness. This feeling bipolar disorder. I will reiterate that of numbness can also be accompanied the depressive episodes in individ- by feelings of self-doubt, negative uals with bipolar can be dangerous. thought patterns and general disin-
terest in seeing or talking to people. Although depression can linger for a while it doesn’t necessarily mean the person is suicidal. Thoughts of suicide are prominent in those with bipolar disorder. It may be hard to see in those individuals because depression can be masked. My mom was really good at hiding her depression. She would say she was fine or even convince us that she was happy, the complete opposite of what she was probably feeling. Depression looks like an overcompensated smile and sometimes depression looks exactly the opposite of what it is.
Masquerading in a mask of, ‘I am ok’ or ‘everything is not ok, but this smile will convince you otherwise.’ Five days before my mom committed suicide, she was texting me and making plans for Christmas, planning to send us gifts and plans to travel. That’s why it is so hard to know if someone is suffering, it is not always outwardly visible. I thought, for sure she was doing better. After all, she was making plans for the future, so surely, she wasn’t suicidal. But that’s the tricky part of bipolar, emotions and moods can change very suddenly with force and intensity.
Numbness Le tha rgy Numbness Lethargy peless Irritability HoHopeless Irritability Worthlessness 7
Fractured / depression
Depression is a darkness that is all consuming when you are in it. It’s like a sinkhole, without intervention of medication or professional help, the darkness is inescapable. With my mom I would take mania any day, over the depressive episodes. I say this because I know she endured deep suffering that I can’t even comprehend. When she was in the depression, she would sleep a lot, I worried about an attempt frequently. As a child, bearing witness to a depressive episode of a parent is scary. It was common
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in my experiences with my mother’s depression that I would just lay in bed with her. So many times, I would try to wake her up, but she would just sleep for days at a time. Mental illness takes a physical toll on an individual. I never got as low as my mom did, but I can retrospectively empathize with how she must have felt. I will admit I wasn’t the most supportive when it was happening, but I was just a kid and unfortunately understanding came when it was too late – after she died.
Depressionlooks looks like an over compensated smile. smile Sometimes depression looks exactly exactlythe opposite of what it is. opposite
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Fractured / depression
Coping Coping
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Sometimes, you don’t know how you can directly help someone who is at risk for suicide. When a suicide becomes a reality it’s easy to blame yourself. I thought if I hadn’t have shut my mom out for the last year, maybe she would still be here. Or, if I would have been with her, in person, I could have prevented it. But the truth is, I couldn’t have single handedly stopped my mom’s suicide. She needed a reset, a prolonged hospitalization to equilibrate her. It’s easy to have these cyclic, savior thoughts when someone dies by suicide. I think it’s also easy to blame yourself or others for the death, and maybe there is a small degree of truth to that. Maybe if we all weren’t flawed human beings, life would be grand and situations like these wouldn’t even be a reality for so many.
anxiety and melted her worries away, but marijuana made her depression worse. It was a constant cycle of selfmedication, from weed, to alcohol and onto harder drugs (mixed with the occasional, short-lived dosing of her actual psychiatric medication.) She was just trying to find a way to numb the suffering, make the suffering more bearable. This was her way of shortterm coping. I don’t resent her for this, many people (with or without mental illnesses) do the same thing. But I also didn’t enable it, when I knew she was using anything harder than weed, I stopped talking to her. It was cruel because that’s when she needed me most. In my grief I have come to forgive myself for this, but the paradox is, day-to-day it is a heavy weight to carry. How do I cope?
While my mother was alive, there were many unhealthy coping mechanisms that she partook in which resulted in worsening her condition. T-Jay loved lighting up a joint, it calmed her
That’s not an easy question to answer, because each passing day feels the same as the next without her, empty. I will never see my mom again in this life. I got so used to not seeing her, as
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Fractured / depression
Depression is isolation, Depression isolation
regardless of how crowded the room crowded may be.
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we lived in different countries for the last six years of her life. Sometimes I forget the permanency of it all and then it returns, the grief washes over me like a ten-foot wave. I am lucky to have my partner that lives with me and it helps when these grief waves get intense. Yet, the loss of suicide feels so isolating at times. I don’t always want to burden my partner with it, I can’t talk about it openly with a lot of my friends because it always brings down the mood. So, I am finding new ways to cope as I go along.
"How can I just continue to live my life normally now?", I thought. You find a new normal because you have to. Even though my mom could no longer live with her suffering, she was the greatest teacher in perseverance.
My mom was a single mother with a debilitating mental illness, but while she was alive, she fought every day. Anyone who knew her would tell you that she was tough. These were important lessons learned from my mother, and I am blown away by her strength. I empathize, I give credit to her, because I have attended a weekly Suicide Sur- now I understand a degree of the darkvivors grief group for a few months ness she must have experienced. now and it has helped me to process my grief in ways that I couldn’t do Depression is isolation regardless of alone. There is immense power in how crowded the room may be. community. When I found out about Without my mom, I have come to my mom’s death, I too, wanted to give understand what true isolation feels up. There’s nothing more heartbreaking like in addition to living through a than hearing that you will never see pandemic. If you are experiencing your loved one again. But I didn’t give depression or grief during this time, up, my story is not over. When I was tell someone. Don't suffer in silence– deep in the grief it was hard to see past find a friend you confide in, or a this new reality without my mom. therapy group that works for you.
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Cry for My Plea Cry for My Plea Fractured / depression
by Jason DeWitt Deep down low, into the depths disparity!
At night I lie awake.
Self-doubt is a constant pounding beat.
Bringing myself down
Like a drum and awakens my anxiety.
Didn't feel like flipping up my frown
How do I look?
Oh would you like some company, misery
My initial thought, or one from society?
Oh Lord is there any hope for me?
They pick me last again!
These old buildings keep bringing me down
Do I really have any friends? No, all my friends are pretend. They are social media pornography and drugs! Oh great joy! Only temporary hugs My bones ache Sleep all day
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So I flipped the switch I'm stomping out self-doubt Fiery arrows of optimism abolish any anxiety All because I remembered something my mother used to tell me, Three little words she would say–
Did you think to pray?
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loving memory memory ininloving Fractured / depression
On the one year anniversary of T-Jay's death I prompted those who knew her to write a favorite memory, these were the responses:
Miss her so much, we had many fun times growing up together. Her laughter was the best! –Jennifer Furlong
My favorite memory was hitting an old couple with a straw wrapper in the head and blaming me lol. She fought hard and we will never forget her. – Tristen DeWitt
I remember how much she cared for you and tried to make the holidays special. – Robyn Greenwood
I have a few great memories of T-Jay. One of my favorites is when we were making some jewelry. We were singing a song and forgot the words and then we just started making words up. By the end, we were in tears of laughter rolling on the floor! – Muir Premer
My favourite memory of your mom was her laugh. It was from the pit of her stomach and very infectious. –Bill Furlong
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We will never forget her. I won’t forget what she did to help me. She babysat my boys for awhile while I was working. Miss you lots T-Jay. –Andrea Brink
My favorite memory would be whenever we would lounge around and talk about whatever. She was a lot of fun. –Megan Grenier
Oh I miss her everyday and Brennen does too! I miss her phone calls and video chats we would do daily. She could talk all day long. We will never forget her. –Sharla Stone We miss her! She was so caring and loving. She would always reachout to us to see how we were doing. –Liliana DeWitt
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Written and Illustrated by Kailee Bye
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Fractured / depression