Help Kids Overcome Fears

HELPING KIDS OVERCOME FEARS

What strikes fear in your heart? Heights? Spiders? Flying in planes? Those are some obvious fears. Some we don’t often think of, though, are ones that live every day in the backs of our heads: fear of failure, being alone, being out of our comfort zone, trying new things or just the unknown. Sometimes they aren’t a big deal, but when it comes to helping our kids work through their own fears and overcome them, we parents have to model the start.

Our fears are either rational or irrational. Rational fear is being afraid of something that could cause physical harm or worse. Irrational fears are those things in our head that we tend to make up in order to protect ourselves. We are afraid of letting our kids do something because we don’t want to see them fail, get hurt or struggle with something. We project our fears on them. For instance, this week I signed my son up for an activity last minute because I wanted to make sure he had a friend to be there with him. I didn’t hear back from our friend in enough time to confirm their family was also doing this activity, and I signed him up anyway. I panicked a bit and considered pulling him out when I got confirmation they wouldn’t be joining. I hesitated to cancel long enough, though, to realize he would be fine. It would be good for him to go on his own and see that he could handle it. It was my own fear that almost held him back. As it turns out, he went alone and did great. I was making issues up for him so that I didn’t have to worry about how he handled it. I’ve found my boys to be quite fearless when it comes to doing things.

Depending on the age and the stage of the child, many fears come internally. On the other hand, fears sometimes arise from external sources: something kids see somewhere, hear from an adult or even experience themselves. Sometimes, they just don’t understand things. I’ve found quite shocking the way kids process events and emotions they can’t yet understand—why they felt the way they did when someone reacted to them. Or how they felt when having to answer a question or present something in front of a crowd. The truth is, children still feel all the anxiousness and emotion of those experiences but sometimes get brushed off and end up in trouble for being upset. Upsetting experiences call for an open conversation. Ask kids what happened to them and how they felt, then help them interpret the experience as you explain what happened. The more we can help them connect those dots and understand what is going on in their minds and emotions, the more we can help them work through things.

One thing I’ve had to do myself and with my kids is to talk about the outcome. We get so wrapped up in what could happen that we let fear take over before we have a chance to see something through. Talk through something before it happens. If children are anything like many adults, they make a bigger deal out of a potential problem than what will really unfold. Go through and form a visual of what could happen and show kids that even if things don’t go as they want, it will be okay. One of the biggest, yet hardest, ways to help kids (and ourselves) get past fears is to face them. We have to experience that something isn’t as bad as we thought it would be.

Often, if we can do the thing we’re afraid of a couple times, some awesome things happen:

1. We learn we can face the fear.

2. We discover that though it’s hard to face fears, we can do the hard things. 3. Our confidence builds for the next time we are afraid.

4. We learn to handle fear instead of run from it.

Great life lesson!

So you might wonder how to move forward. My first step is always to help prepare my kids. Many times, we fear things because we don’t do enough preparation. This is true for a sporting event, a test, an extracurricular activity—most anything. The more we practice for something and do as much preparation as we possibly can, the more we set ourselves up for success. In life, outcomes are not always positive, but children can learn the confident mindset that though some things are not in their control, they can do everything they can to prepare.

This also means supporting kids however you can. Doing scary things gets lonely, even if you are surrounded by people. We come up with all sorts of scenarios of ways it will go wrong or things that will happen. I know when I’m getting ready to go do something new or travel a lot, the main event doesn’t scare me. The journey is what scares me the most. Find a way to offer children support as they learn to do these things and be independent.

At the end of the day, kids have to learn to do things that scare them a little. Sometimes that means joining a group or taking a class for the first time, even when they don’t know what the experience will be like. One tactic is to offer your child a reward. It doesn’t have to be some big reward—I love to offer my kids experiences. Most of the time, though, I try to let them choose the prize because when they choose, they usually work harder and do the hard and scary thing. They need to learn that doing those hard and scary things is not so bad and that they will live to talk about it. I’ve learned that my kids need to realize they can do those things and they will be okay. They need to develop the mindset that they can conquer the fearfulness.

Overcoming fears is a challenge that so many adults struggle with. I try my best to lead by example and show my kids that vulnerability. I try to let them know that when something scares me and I’m nervous about it, I’ll still try to do it. The more they see we parents actively do the things that scare us, the more they learn that they will make it through, too.

Lauren Dreher lives in Stilwell with her husband and two toddlers.

memoriesMake Makememories

with kids at the Market

FARM-ULA 500 VEGGIE RACE Sept. 17 • 9–11 a.m. H TUESDAYS H 9 a.m.–1 p.m. H SATURDAYS H 8 a.m.–noon

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE

Remember the old 1940s Disney character Pinocchio? I’m sure you can recall that every time the little wooden boy lied, his nose grew. I have to say I’m thankful that doesn’t happen in real life! Although I don’t make lying a regular habit in my life,

I am just as guilty as the next person of telling little white lies such as, “No, you do not look like you’ve gained weight,” or “Yes, your picture is beautiful,” or even “It is WAY past your bedtime (even though it’s only 6:30).” I’m sure each and every one of us can recall a time in our lives when we lied, whether it was one of those tiny white lies or a real doozy.

In fact, many of us probably tell lies now as adults! Though telling untruths may feel harmless to us, if you’ve ever caught your child in one of these little lies, you know the panic that rises when you think you may have a compulsive liar on your hands. So, what in the world are you to do about it?!

Here’s a truth that might help slightly: Lying is actually very common—and normal—among children. According to an article on PBS.org, a study shows 96 percent of children lie, with 4-yearolds lying, on average, every two hours! The good news is these lies are usually pretty harmless. The bad news? The older children are, the more serious the lies tend to be and the better they are at it.

So what causes children to lie? You might be surprised to find out a wide variety of reasons tempt kids to avoid telling the truth. Just some of the reasons kids lie:

• To avoid getting in trouble or avoid conflict • To appear cool to friends • For attention • Because they’re under stress • To cover when something bad or embarrassing happens • To be polite • Wishful thinking • Experimenting • To get out of or avoid something • Speaking before thinking

I remind them sometimes the truth is hard to say, but I’m going to love them no matter what happens.

Lies also look different depending on the age and stage of your child. Around the ages of 2-4, children will lie as a way of testing boundaries or trying out a new behavior, but more often it revolves around wishful thinking. Language skills are still developing, so oftentimes children this age don’t really know, much less understand, where the truth begins and ends. Danielle Calhoon, preschool teacher and Lenexa mom of two, explains further. “Imagination can cause a child to tell a ‘story’ to pass off as the truth, like saying they have a dog (when they don’t) or their family is going on vacation (when they’re not),” she says. “Imagination and pretend play are very important in a child’s development and should be encouraged. Real and pretend concepts tend to flesh out around 3 to 4 years old, so keep that in mind.” Around 5-8 years old, children are definitely able to tell a lie, which is usually to see what they can get away with. Lies around homework, school, friends and eating are common. Most of these lies are fairly easy to detect and don’t involve high stakes. After age 8, lies can become more deceitful, more involved and have farther reaching effects. It’s important to note that lies might be more socially motivated at this stage, too.

You may be wondering how parents are supposed to handle lying. One important thing is to note why the lie is happening or what is behind it. Your child’s age and stage, severity of the lie and the frequency are all factors to take into consideration, as well. For the very young children in that 2-4 age range, Calhoon says, “I always advise parents not to ask, but calmly state what you see. ‘I see you ate some of the brownies we were saving for the party. Remember, we need to have enough for everyone. It looks like you have had your share now. Let’s go wash off your face and get ready to leave.’ This eliminates the power struggle and allows the child to save face. There is no shaming or arguing, just a statement of what happened. But notice it does allow the child to see the consequences of their actions in a way that is natural and logical.”

For the remaining ages of children, parents can help their kids avoid lying in the first place. Help your child to understand the importance of trust. “I tell our daughters I don’t trust people who lie. If they lie, I don’t know what is the truth and what isn’t,” Elizabeth Quint, Overland Park mom of two, says. “I always want to trust you, so always tell me the truth. I remind them sometimes the truth is hard to say, but I’m going to love them no matter what happens.”

Make sure your child knows telling the truth will equal less severe (but not zero) consequences. Also, give your child the opportunity for a redo if you suspect a lie. Walk away and allow your youngster the opportunity to change the story without consequence—although this technique is not appropriate for a chronic liar. Another a word of caution: Try not to back your child into a corner where he feels “forced” to lie. As Calhoon mentions above, calmly state what you already know instead of questioning, which leaves your child open for a lie. Lorna Walker, Overland Park mom of two, says, “We take each situation as it comes and give our boys a chance to be honest about each one. Sometimes we know they are being dishonest and sometimes we don’t. That’s a normal part of raising kids, I suppose. We always give high praises for being honest and share the benefits from the start, even if they fear us being upset. We also share the consequences for dishonesty from the start. That has helped them want to continue being honest, even if they know we may be disappointed about the situation.”

Finally, remember to model the behavior you want your children to copy. If they overhear you lying to someone, chances are they will think it’s okay for them to do the same thing. But if you go about your day with honesty and integrity, believe it or not, they are going to be watching and learning what good character looks like along the way.

As always, sharing a good book can be a great teaching opportunity too!

The Empty Pot by Demi

Edwurd Fudwupper Fibbed Big by Berkeley Breathed

Howard B. Wigglebottom and the Monkey on His Back by Howard Blinkow

Three Bears in a Boat by David Soman

Julie Collett writes from Overland Park where she has plenty of opportunities to practice honesty with her four children!