Coping with Change

CHANGE IS HARD

Helping Kids Learn to Cope

Who likes change? I think it’s safe to say the majority of people do not. The problem is we live in a rapidly changing world. Jobs, family, location, relationships—all of it changes all the time. I joke a lot that I roll with the punches, but in all reality, I’m a planner. I like to know what’s going on and how to do it, so I can control as much as possible.

Kids do not have the luxury of control. Most times they are dragged along for the ride regardless of whether they want to be. But the reality is kids are still humans. They still have experiences, feelings, emotions, reactions—and they can absolutely be in their own heads. Having the skills to cope with those changes at an earlier age is something they would benefit from. We may think kids are too young to be bothered by change or that they’ll be fine because they are resilient. Maybe. But what would it look like if we took initiative and taught them skills to cope with change, so they can develop that muscle early and be able to use it as they grow? This way, when they have confronted change, they’ll have a toolbox of coping mechanisms and know to put them to use. Let’s go through some strategies:

I’ve found talking through an event before it happens to be very helpful. Weeks or days before my kids started school, daycare or sports I would talk about what would happen. That way, they could start to understand that something different was going to happen and be a new normal. They would know that they were going to leave me for an extended period of time and be under someone else’s direction. When my kids started sports, I explained what they needed to do. Going to a doctor appointment? The physician and nurse are going to use their tools on you, and you’re going to go in this big machine. This strategy has helped me a lot in framing change or new experiences as positive things—regardless of whether they actually were. Help kids develop the skills of anticipating what will happen but being ready to adapt if things change. Take the opportunity to talk about some situations that might become more difficult and go through how they might handle things when they need to be independent. This preparation mindset helps when they go to first sleepovers, start high school or college or get into challenging situations and circumstances.

Another strategy is the formation of habits. Part of being human is making habits—they may be good, or they may be bad, and we do it a lot without being aware. I remember doing something with my kids and thinking, “Oh, it will be fine this once.” The next thing I knew, it had happened far more than once—and it wasn’t something I wanted to keep happening. We also form bad habits when it comes to dealing with difficult things in life. We tend to do unproductive things when we’ve had a bad day, a bad fight or a negative life event, and our brains resort to finding something to numb the

pain. Kids can develop coping habits at an early age, so how can we help them establish the habits that will help them to be successful instead of those that will hinder their success now and possibly in the future? One technique I’ve used is discussing what’s wrong and teaching kids how to move past the issue by doing something active. Our brains handle things more effectively and process more productively when we are physically active. After a stint of exercise, your child may be able to formulate a step-by-step plan of how to handle a situation. Another habit that has helped me immensely thus far is personal morning and evening routines. When things change, activities can be added to a habit that is already engrained. For example, getting ready for bed is a regular routine. Add in the process of setting out clothes appropriate for the next day’s new experience and you both help your kids feel prepared and lay the groundwork for a new helpful habit.

The last I will mention is a big one and comes with a couple different angles. It is to listen to what our children’s struggles are when they go through a change. As adults, we tend to shrug off the things kids are grappling with because we know the issue is minor in the larger scheme of life or they will outgrow it. But really listening gives us the opportunity to help kids learn they can do hard things at a young age. They need to know what they are going through is important and they really can make it through. By listening to the struggle, we do a couple of important things: acknowledge that they are struggling and it’s okay and also let them know they are strong enough to figure out how to make it through the hard situation. This leads to their being able to work through future struggles independently and effectively as they get older. This will breed into them that they are smart, strong and that they can work through the things they need to, how they need to. Everyone does things differently, and our kids are no exception. We need to be aware that they may need to handle change differently than we do.

Life is changing all the time whether we’re ready or not. Our kids are along on this crazy ride with us, but often they don’t get direction in how to handle the new when it faces them down. All they know is they are scared and they just got thrown into the deep end with an encouraging thumbs up from Mom and Dad. Parents can’t protect kids from everything, but we can talk them through changes we know could overwhelm any kid. We can be good influences and instill good habits and routines for them to fall back on when things go south. We can listen to what they have to say so we can parent effectively rather than leave them floundering alone. Think about how you and your kids handle changes in life and how you can help them learn to cope.

Lauren Dreher lives in Stilwell with her husband and two toddlers.

Dealing with an Underachiever

Life is filled with opposites. Up and down, highs and lows. Sweet and salty and, last but not least, we have the haves and have nots. What exactly does this have to do with my child and the fact that she’s underachieving? Well, plenty! After you read this article, you’ll walk away with a lot more understanding—and a little bit more information on how to deal with your underachiever.

RULE #1 – No one strives to be an underachiever. Don’t compare.

From early childhood, people are programmed to go out into the world and give their absolute best effort. We tell our children they can be whatever they want to be and buy toys that help them create or fix things. Naturally, we tell our children what is considered good behavior and what is considered bad. Ultimately, kids just want to be liked, and in their minds, whoever gets the attention, whether good or bad, wins. Overachieving and underachieving can be part of that vying for attention. The Davidson Institution describes this as the “First Best” and “First Worst,” a complex described as competing to be the best but on two opposing ends. Now the draw-in: how children gain attention. The real message is how we as parents idolize one good thing over the other and forget everything else in between. Simply put, we praise the first-place winner and forget all about the third-place champ. Now, imagine if your child were that third-place champ. What if your child were the fifth-place runner? Last, imagine him or her coming in fifth place every single race. Best-kept secret? Don’t reward bad behavior or mediocrity and never make your kid feel like his personal best is not the best you’ve ever seen.

It’s easy to throw a pity party for yourself or to blame your child for not trying hard enough. In cases of achievement, don’t do it! The best approach is to be supportive and remain positive. Help your child find what he is good at and support him in his journey; don’t criticize him in hopes he’ll get it. Pushing kids to work harder at something they simply have no interest in or are not good at will only kill their self-esteem, infuriate you or thin your patience. Instead of using your energy to urge your child to work harder at the same thing, try to challenge your child to understand that “thing” in a different way. Alter the approach. Growing up, I had the toughest time trying to understand long division. I had no problem with multiplication and the basics of understanding beforehand. I just didn’t understand why I had to use long division to divide things or why remainders even existed. My mom would get frustrated and ask my older siblings to help me with my homework. My older siblings would quit halfway through my homework lesson, and I’d be left at the kitchen table to figure it out by myself. It wasn’t until my great- grandmother came over to babysit that we discovered I just needed someone to slowly describe the process of division. In that moment, I didn’t feel pressured, pushed to understand something or criticized for not knowing the answers. I was given the same information with a different and more sensitive approach. Now, I can do long division in my sleep, with my hands behind my back, with no paper and with no help. Just think outside the box. You’ll get to the bottom of things for sure.

RULE #3 – It’s okay to ask for help.

It takes a village to raise a child, and asking for help doesn’t make you desperate, nor does it make you ignorant. In fact, asking for help can only make you better. Reach out to a professional if your child is consistently exemplifying negative behavior. Turns out Newton’s third law doesn’t apply just to physics. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” There may be a deeper reason or more than one reason as to why your child is scraping the bottom of the barrel. Ask your parents how they dealt with situations like your child is dealing with. Their insight could really help both you and your child.

Jessica Samuel lives in Kansas City and is a freelance writer and photographer.