31 minute read
Word from Dad
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“Father, why don’t we put up lights on the outside of our house?” James always came straight to the point whenever he had a question.
“We used to. Before you were born, Mom and I decorated the outside of our old home and made it look like a fairytale castle. By the first week in December, we had all the lights up and were oh so proud. But it didn’t last.”
“Why not? Did the lights break?”
“Nope. Mom and I had just gone to bed when the dogs started barking. I got up to see what was happening, and our lights were gone. Someone had stolen our decorations.”
“What? Why? How?”
I shrugged. “We’ll never know. It made us really mad, though. I mean, Christmas is a time of generosity, sharing and peace, and all we wanted to do was to share our joy of the season. When I told Mom, she called the police and said someone had stolen her Christmas spirit.”
“That’s funny.”
“The police dispatcher thought the same thing, but Mom was serious, and so was I. Since then, we’ve never put up Christmas decorations outside.”
“Oh.” James sighed. “I wish … ”
He didn’t finish his thought, so I spoke. “Tell you what. Let’s decorate your window from the inside. Ian’s, too.”
A few days later, the whole family stood across the street and admired the new trimmings. A string of colored lights around each window, an illuminated snowman, complete with a top hat, shone from James’ bedroom and some lighted snowflakes in Ian’s. The family tree stood below their rooms, clearly visible through the living room glass.
“What do you think, guys?”
“This looks good, Father.” James squinted and crossed his arms. “Nobody will be able to steal them.”
The lights gleamed in Ian’s eyes. “Cool.”
Visit cambermentalhealth.org/resources for practical tips, info about common mental health disorders and so much more from our mental health experts.
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Chores for Tiny Tots
Kids and Chores
When I was younger, I got a quarter to take the trash can to the curb. But it was more or less expected I clean my room and pick up my toys. Whether you toss kids a quarter or not, chores are important to a child’s development. They help kids along the way to developmental milestones and other benefits too. And believe it or not, kids as young as 2 years old can do chores!
Putting your kids to work on their own chores at an early age pays off in the long run—no matter how daunting it may feel to enforce the jobs at the time!
Benefits of Kids Doing Chores
Parents know it’s nice to have help around the house, but there are many other benefits to kids’ doing chores. Responsibility, following expectations and stewardship of their space are just some.
Chores have developmental benefits for children. They teach kids how to be independent, capable and confident. Chores improve time management. They also promote a sense of teamwork and encourage accountability. They can even help strengthen verbal and motor skills. Chores give kids an opportunity to ask questions. They also allow children to take ownership of a process, not just the result.
When kids begin to do chores from an early age, they are learning essential skills for later in life.
Chores teach children how to care for themselves, their families and their home. Doing chores greatly benefits children in other aspects of their life, too, setting them up for success outside of the home. And as silly as it may seem, beginning chores early encourages habits that carry through to college and even marriage. Teaching children the importance of responsibility comes in handy when they are asked to take care of a space outside the home, such as at school, daycare or activities.
How to Get Kids to Do Chores
Be Consistent
Consistency is important in every aspect of parenting, of course, but especially when implementing chores. Following through with what you ask, no matter the child’s age, is crucial. Use tools to create consistency. A chart, song, mnemonic device or visual aid is a concrete way to help children understand what’s being asked of them.
Start Young
Kids as young as 2 can do chores, but do focus on age-appropriate tasks. Because what a 5-year-old is capable of looks different than what a 2-year-old can do. However, each is completely capable of doing some kind of chore!
A 5-year-old may be able to empty the dishwasher, set the table and put away laundry to some extent. In the same way, 2-year-olds can pick up their toys and help pour water into the cat’s bowl. An older 3-year-old may be able to put away silverware but not glass plates. And that’s okay! Remember to stay within children’s developmental skills. Tailor the chores to your children, their ages and their abilities.
Create Cues
We adults tend to be automatic when it comes to things we need to get done. A lot of our days are riddled with subtle cues or triggers that cause us to do other actions. Children are no different. Tie cues to the chores they do. For example, each night after baths, your children throw dirty clothes in the hamper and hang up their towels. After they are dressed, they can set out clothing for the next day. The cue or signal for those chores is getting out of the bath.
With the chore attached to a signal or cue, your child will remember and then implement that chore with less resistance. Conscious actions create unconscious (positive!) habits. That’s the goal!
Use Modeling
We adults have accumulated years of knowledge and experience doing chores. Chores like rinsing off dishes may seem innate to us, but they are completely new to kids.
Use the model, “I do, you do, we do.” Modeling is important when teaching children, but especially in showing them how to complete chores. Scaffold—build on what they already know how to do with lots of examples, slow modeling and patience. Then, don’t overcomplicate it. Focus on simple and concrete steps. Use visuals. A chart or actual examples from you will greatly help little ones understand what you’re asking.
Chores for Kids 5 and Under
Some chores need more adult assistance than others. Ultimately, you know your children best. Try giving them a little more independence than you normally would and edit any of your cringing. You are capable of empowering them with responsibility, but you also want to stay sane. There’s a happy medium in there somewhere, I promise!
Here are some reasonable chores kids 5 and under can manage:
• Take care of pets—fill their water or scoop food. • Wipe baseboards with a baby wipe. • Set the table. • Make the bed. • Get the mail. • Take out the trash. • Water plants. • Pick up toys. They can also determine what to donate to local donation centers, the Salvation Army or area shelters. • Help in the kitchen. Kids can set things up, pour, scoop, measure, etc. • Empty the dishwasher/silverware. • Dust. • Clean out the car. Head to your local car wash and have your child help vacuum. • Pick up leaves.
Kids Can Do Chores
By setting realistic expectations and having a little extra patience, you’ll see your kids can do chores! And you can help them succeed in doing them.
Remember:
• Celebrate their effort, not the final result.
It’s all about building their confidence. • Model what you want them to do using the “I do, you do, we do” method. • Start young, but modify what, where, when and how. You know your child best. • Don’t be afraid to give them a bit of responsibility—they might surprise you!
How they help inside the home is an indication of how equipped they will be outside it. Don’t be afraid to have a little fun or work toward a goal. Do they want a toy? They can work toward paying for it with chores around the house. They will feel a sense of accomplishment after working to buy it.
Kailyn Rhinehart writes from Warrensburg, MO. She lives with her husband and two small children, and everyone definitely sometimes pitches in on chores.
What BIG Ears You Have!
How many times do I have to tell you to put your socks on? What did I just ask you to do? Didn’t I say to be home by 5? If these phrases, and many other similar ones, sound vaguely familiar, you are not alone! Many people use the words hearing and listening interchangeably. However, these two words actually have completely different meanings. According to PsychologyToday. com, hearing is “a passive, physical act that requires one sense and has to do with the perception of sound, while listening revolves around actively paying attention to the words and sounds you hear to absorb their meaning and develop an emotional response.” Hearing is involuntary, like blinking, and happens whether you want it to or not. Listening is voluntary, and you can choose whether or not you want to do it. It is possible for your child (or spouse!) to hear your voice but not listen to what you are communicating. The good news is just because your child has poor listening skills, doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. Now, your spouse? I can’t help with that.
Model
As simple as it sounds, our children, no matter their age, learn a lot by watching us, so model appropriately what good, active listening looks like. This means, first and foremost, put down your device. Make eye contact and use body language that shows you are listening. Use words and comments that indicate interest and care as well. I am just as guilty as the next mom of muttering an absent-minded “uh-huh” or “oh, really” that couldn’t sound more uninterested. But it is important we listen to the little things, because one day, there will be big things.
Attention
Make sure you have your child’s attention before speaking to him. If you are trying to shout from the other room while the kids are watching TV or playing a game (guilty!), you can bet they aren’t listening to you. Say their names, have them look at you, and even get down on their level. Making physical contact with a hand on the shoulder or back is another great way to gently get their attention.
If you find listening is difficult for your child, try lowering your voice. Our natural tendency is to raise our voice to say it louder, but remember, your child hears you. Consider whispering to your child so she has to listen more closely. It might be a good idea to ask her to repeat what you have said, as well, to ensure understanding.
Timing
Timing can be everything. No one likes to be interrupted in the middle of an activity. Caroline Danda, licensed psychologist, says, “Help them find a stopping place in their activity before trying to give a direction.” This will help decrease frustration for both parties!
Play games
For younger children, games like Red Light, Green Light, Telephone and Simon Says are great listening activities. For older children, cooking together or playing a more complex version of Simon Says can help develop these skills too. And for any age child, reading together and chatting about the story or chapter will help improve listening skills.
Have real conversations with your children. Conversations require active listening and are a great real world application. Dr. Danda shares, “The best conversations often happen in the context of shared activities, especially ones that are rhythmic in nature, such as shooting hoops, coloring or cooking, because they support calming the nervous system. Likewise, conversations about difficult or uncomfortable topics often go better without eye contact. These are the conversations that happen at bedtime, in the car while driving around or while doodling. Kids will be more engaged if you continue to validate and paraphrase what they say before adding on to the conversation.”
Children’s becoming better listeners is a process, so don’t expect immediate change overnight. But with patience, continued practice and good modeling, your child will be on the road to success!
For younger children …
n Try going on a sound scavenger hunt while you are out on a walk. n Play varieties of music and have your child listen for certain instruments. n Have your children close their eyes and “Guess My Sound” while you make sounds with different objects.
If you have older children …
n Do a blindfold obstacle course where they have to listen to a friend give them directions about where to go. n Have a friend give short, simple directions while the other kids draw what they hear.
Julie Collett is a mom to four wonderful little humans who are always working to fine-tune their listening skills!
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When Parenting Styles Clash
Humans are tricky. Relationships are tricky. Families are tricky. Which means relationships with other humans in a family are indeed tricky, no matter how well you get along. Add on jointly parenting younger humans and it’s a lot!
Families are made in a variety of ways and face differing scenarios, sometimes with a supporting cast of characters. In a stereotypical family, you have two parents and one or more children that they will parent together. Ideally, child-rearing has been discussed before they welcome children into their home and they’re on the same page as far as values and beliefs. If you happen to be reading this magazine before having children of your own, be wise and discuss how you would like to parent with a serious partner because children really throw a wrench in things and need to be cared for constantly for a good part of their lives.
Discuss your own childhoods and what practices you would like to carry on, as well as what you would like to do differently. Which traditions matter to you? Where would you like to raise your children? Are you open to moving throughout their childhood? Do you wish to be closer to family or not? In an ideal world, how many children would you like and how far apart would you like them? Are you open to fostering or adoption? Will you both continue working? Will one of you stay home? Do you prefer an in-home daycare or a daycare center? Will you make believe with your children during holidays and such? Will you raise them in a faith? Early discussions give you a good place to start. Of course, once you’re in the parenting trenches, flexibility becomes a necessity and you may find the need to alter those early plans a bit.
Once that baby comes home, there’s no way of knowing how some decisions will matter more to one parent and not at all to another parent. This is because all parents were once children, in unique homes, who experienced family life and were modeled how a family works. We have to remember, too, that our parents were also flawed humans just doing the best that they could.
All this history affects how we naturally parent—or attempt to do it—for better or for worse. Here’s an example: You’re super sleep deprived and end up letting your children sleep in your bed, so you can get as much rest as possible, but maybe that isn’t in the cards for your partner. Same goes for insisting on a daily routine or championing more of a go-with-the-flow type of day. One parent may insist that Baby is fed solely organic foods while the other would like to be more cost-effective. Then come decisions like playdates at your child’s friend’s house and sleepovers, as well as playing outside alone, the ever-present use of screens and dating. So what happens when a topic or situation arises where you and your spouse do not agree but have to parent the same child?
A wise option is to find a time to discuss the issue in private. Listen to where each of you is coming from, why you may not be comfortable with one option and how you can both feel at ease moving forward. This could be an evening discussion after the kids are in bed or a quick step out of earshot from your kids before you get dinner on the table, depending on the degree of difference in your opinions. Perhaps both of you write your own pro/con lists to compare. Compromise is the name of the game, so decide whether a decision matters to you more than your partner’s objection. Jess Chavez, mother of three, says, “We discuss it away from the kids and try to really hear each other’s sides or reasons, and then come to an agreement/compromise so we can present a united front to our kids.” This united front is key in parenting as a team, because children are smart and will discover whom to ask for certain things and whom to avoid.
Seeking outside counsel can be helpful, as well, if done in a caring way. Venting to your own family and friends about why you are right may not be the best course of action. Instead, bring the topic up for discussion while both of your friends are over or ask some friends via text and share and discuss with your partner. Parenting boards and Facebook groups can be helpful with advice and sharing different perspectives you may not have
considered, and most groups will let you ask anonymously.
In our family, most decisions seem to fall to me simply because of how our family is set up. I was a stay-at-home-mom, and even though I now work part time, my husband travels the majority of month, so I am the primary parent at home with our children. I value my husband’s input though and oftentimes call or text for advice or to discuss a topic. Having a family meeting in a calm matter to discuss family rules can be helpful to let everyone know what is expected in your home. It’s also important that both parents are up to date on what rules and guidelines the other is enforcing. For example, if a child earns the consequence from one parent of no screens for the rest of the week or no dessert that night, the other parent needs to know. Because if that other parent wasn’t present for the poor choice that earned your child a natural consequence, he or she won’t know the consequence was dished out. And children don’t seem to volunteer that kind of information to an uninformed parent. If you keep your partner up to date, that other parent won’t unknowingly undermine you. On the flip side, be careful not undermine the other parent’s authority either, even if you don’t completely agree. Differences in opinion can be discussed but not flippantly ignored.
If a parenting topic comes up that you can’t seem to compromise on, give some thought to whether any past trauma in your life is influencing your reactions. You may need to seek professional help with overcoming those or being empathetic toward your partner. Sometimes, particular topics will matter more to one parent, and if you don’t feel strongly about it, it may be better to let your partner have the final say on that decision while you get a weightier vote on another issue. Another great idea is to take a parenting class together so you’re learning as a team. About 10 years ago, a local church hosted a weekly parenting class through Love and Logic. It was great, but our kids were both under 2 years old, so my husband and I keep saying we need to retake that class now that they’re all much older. If you and your partner are readers, maybe you could buddy read a book to help facilitate discussion while learning about parenting together. There’s a plethora of parenting books to choose from. I’d advise asking your school, church, friends or librarian for recommendations.
Discussing the benefits of having differing styles can also be a great way to respect and honor both partners’ differences, according to an article on GoodTherapy.org. The article, “When Parents Clash: Managing Differences in Parenting Style,” goes on to say, “Explore how your parenting styles complement each other. For instance, a permissive parent may help an authoritarian parent be more affectionate. Meanwhile, an authoritarian parent may support a permissive parent in setting boundaries.” Having some discussions in front of your kids can be important to model how to have disagreements in a healthy way. In her article “How to Deal When Your Parenting Styles Clash” on TodaysParent.com, Katie Daley writes, “Having some conversations in front of your children can actually be helpful to show them how to resolve disagreements— but only if the conversation stays friendly. In case a contentious situation arises, Kyle Pruett, a clinical professor of child psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine and co-author of Partnership Parenting: How Men and Women Parent Differently—Why It Helps Your Kids and Can Strengthen Your Marriage, recommends agreeing on a signal that you need to discuss the issue later.”
Now, things can get a bit trickier when your family is blended or is living apart for a variety of reasons. Try to be on the same page for the benefit of your child, but if that’s not the reality, setting up your own boundaries and house rules and staying consistent will at least let your children know what to expect when they are with you. If there are bigger concerns that can’t be agreed upon, it may be best to get outside assistance through a custody lawyer or legal team.
Stephanie Loux is the mother to Layla, 12, Mason, 10, and Slade, 7.
Understanding Dyslexia and How to Help Kids
Children learn to read at their own pace, but if your child is struggling to make significant progress as compared to his peers, it may be possible he has a reading disability called dyslexia. According to MayoClinic.org, “Dyslexia is a learning disorder that involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how to relate to letters and words. Dyslexia affects areas of the brain that process language.”
Symptoms of dyslexia may include:
n Speech delay, trouble learning words, problems forming words correctly or reversing sounds or words that sound alike. “The first signs were the inability to recognize numbers and letters,” says
Stephanie Eubanks, Olathe mom of three. “We would practice, play games, do puzzles, etc., and she would not retain any of it.” n Reading well below the expected level for age, difficulty with spelling, difficulty reading aloud. “My son was unable to read at all, not even sight words like
‘the’ and ‘and’ in first grade and beyond, even though we read it over and over,” says Heather Reighard, Kansas City, KS, teacher and mom of two. “He was unable to do spelling tests even though we practiced and practiced.”
n Trouble remembering sequences or identifying rhyming words, reversing letters or numbers. “My son couldn’t do sight words, wrote pretty much everything backwards and was not meeting classroom expectations,” says
Suzanne Pretti, mother of three from
Overland Park. “He had always loved to be read to, but began to absolutely hate books while in kindergarten. We had him tested and diagnosed early, and he was able to make improvements quickly.” n Spending an unusually long time completing tasks that include reading and writing or avoiding these activities.
“The common myth is that dyslexia is just turning letters around, but it’s so much more than that,” says Julie Lamb, mother of five. “My daughter was not seeing parts of sentences. Since she struggled with reading, it then had a huge domino effect on writing, math, etc.”
People who struggle with dyslexia have normal intelligence and can succeed in school and careers with proper tutoring and support. So how do you go about helping your child succeed?
At school:
n Ask for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) or 504 plan. In most states, schools are required to provide specialized support for kids diagnosed with dyslexia. Talk to your child’s teachers about setting up a
meeting with educators to help your child be successful at school. “Our son was given accommodations in the classroom, such as having things read to him and working with a special education teacher. He still struggles with writing, but we are so thankful for his progress,” says Pretti.
n Keep in contact with your child’s teacher.
If parents and teachers work together, it is easier to support children through the challenges they may be facing when it comes to homework and school. Check in often with your child’s teachers and encourage them to reach out if the interventions put in place don’t seem to be helping your child achieve adequate growth.
n In some cases, private schools or homeschools that specialize in dyslexia are a great option. “Teachers and special education professionals confided in me that they didn’t know how to help my son. They suggested homeschooling and it has been a game changer,” says
Reighard.
At home:
n Consider tutoring. Individual help from a tutor can really give your child a boost in reading skills because tutoring can be tailored to your child’s needs and learning style. n Early intervention has been proven to help kids struggling with dyslexia. As soon as you notice a problem, talk to your child’s teachers and doctor.
n Encourage reading. Take turns reading aloud to your child, model good reading habits and add reading to everyday activities (cooking, games or instructions).
Turn off electronics and add more reading time to your day.
Be supportive
n Encourage effort and be supportive of children as they work through challenges. n Talk to them about what they are struggling with and discuss ideas that will help solve problems they may be facing. n Join a support group or see a counselor.
Having people around you that understand what you are going through
and offer support can be a big help as you learn how to support your child. n Support learning at home. Provide a clean, organized and quiet place to study and offer help as needed.
If you think your child may have dyslexia, talk to your doctor about testing, resources and support. There is no single test that can determine whether your child has dyslexia. Your doctor may use a combination of questionnaires, medical history, psychological evaluations and academic testing to determine whether your child has dyslexia. Early intervention and a good partnership between parents and teachers are key to helping kids feel confident and successful in school and in future careers.
Sarah Lyons is a freelance writer who lives in Olathe with her family. As always, please consult your health care provider with any questions or concerns.
Source: MayoClinic.org/diseases-conditions/ dyslexia/symptoms-causes/syc-20353552
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GOAL GETTER
Help Kids Achieve Their Goals
Napoleon Hill once famously said, “A goal is a dream with a deadline.” For adults, goals are just part of the territory. After all, as people who have spent a great deal of time living our lives, we are acutely aware how precious time is. So, we set goals for ourselves to squeeze every last drop out of life we can. Vacation goals, fitness goals, educational goals, career goals and family goals. Those objectives become a central part of our existence as we continually reach for the next achievement.
But kids and goals? Eh, not so much.
Children don’t perceive time. They feel infinite. Days and years seemingly stretch on and on with no real importance or end. So what’s the point of a goal? The truth is, introducing the act of setting—and more importantly achieving—goals at a young age will set the stage for a more organized and self-aware life. Additionally, kids begin to learn accountability, dedication and reward all at the same time. Now that’s a setup for a pretty great future.
Keep it simple
For a small child, the word “goal” can mean a lot of things. Most associations involve a round black and white ball or a brown oblong-shaped ball. Take a few moments to fully explain that, at its heart, a goal is simply something you decide you want and must work hard to get by a specified time. Give examples: saving $20 for a new toy, keeping the bedroom clean for one week without help from Mom and Dad or learning to snow ski by the end of winter break. These goals can be wildly different from child to child based upon unique personalities and interests. The best part? What kids decide they want is a window directly into their brains, so open it up!
Identify different goal levels
Kids love new ideas and might need to be restrained from aiming too high at the beginning. Evaluate together what is possible now versus what may be defined as a dream or bucket list item. This generally comes down to what children can control versus what they cannot. Although a goal of going on a Disney cruise is admirable, a child cannot control vacation schedules and family financial capabilities. However, saving allowance money to see Disney on Ice? That’s attainable with dedication and hard work—and without the contribution of others.
Use checkpoints to stay on task
The novelty of a new idea can wane quickly. Your child might be super excited that her goal is to read an entire book in three weeks by reading a chapter per night, but soon enough, she wants to skip the nightly reading. Divide the book into four quarters with bookmarks to visibly mark progress and encourage her to keep going all the way through to the end!
Learn from the losses
The whole point of a goal is to reach for something challenging that requires an additional amount of action, restraint or focus on the goal-setter’s part. Those parameters mean the possibility of failure is present. If that happens, your child might be upset or get down on himself. Encourage him by sharing in the loss together. Look back at the action steps he took to meet his goal and discover where he fell short— and why. You may also help ease the disappointment by sharing an experience
when you missed your own goal and how you learned from it.
Though a missed goal might seem like a negative, rest assured it is vital for the growing process. If someone reaches every goal she sets, she simply isn’t aiming high enough. The process of taking the leap and missing occasionally is all part of learning more about yourself, your limits and your abilities.
Celebrate the wins
The best part of setting a high goal? Absolutely crushing it. When a child puts in the work and pushes through setbacks to achieve the goal, there’s nothing better. Whether the objective is in sports, academics or regular daily life, each one is important and motivates your child to aim even higher next time. And though you may give kids a push to stay on target, ultimately it’s their choice to stick to the plan and get the job done. And that’s pretty amazing.
Be sure to celebrate the victory, even if it’s a small one. The feeling of joy and pride in a job well done is cumulative and ultimately adds up to a better, more focused and happier child—and, someday, adult. So keep setting goals with your child and reaching them together. Both of you will benefit and learn from each other now and hundreds of goals down the road.
Easy Goals Your Child Can Start Tonight
Activity-based
• Do 10 jumping jacks and 10 sit-ups before school or before bed for two weeks. Too easy? Bump it to 15. Keep adding on until you get to 50. • Walk the dog three times this week without being reminded. Bonus: Feed the dog, too. • Run around the block (with an adult) two times each week for one month.
Add on a loop each week until you get to four times around the block, twice a week. Hint: Create a chart that shows the progress from week to week. Celebrate the wins for both of you! • Choose a book (or books) to start today and finish in one week. • Finish a school assignment early (minimum one day). • Read a book not assigned by a teacher this week. • Learn every spelling word on the weekly list this week and get an A+ on the spelling test.
Daily life
• Order from a restaurant without help from a parent three times in a row. • Learn to cook a recipe this week and make the meal without help next week. • Make school lunch for yourself the entire week without help. • Save enough money or do enough chores to earn a begged-for toy.
Kim Antisdel is a freelance writer and interior design sales rep for KC. She lives in Liberty with her husband, stepdaughters and son.
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