Closer to Us

Nonfiction By Autumn Barraclough First Place

The twinkling lights contrast starkly with the snowcapped mountains as I walk the streets we used to wander at night. My mouth is now silent as my mind wanders in contemplation of us when it used to be full of words that would pour into you and our future together. The snow crunches where our hearts used to flutter, and I think of you as a distant memory.

Over the years, you’ve become a concept that I can’t quite formulate. I used to trace your face from brow to chin with my fingertips, but now you’re married to a stranger. Has your face changed, too? Does your face still soften when you sleep? Does your mouth still twitch into a smile when you wake up?

We used to linger at my doorstep for hours trying to procrastinate saying “Goodnight,” but now all you are to me is our last “Good-bye.” I don’t really remember the last time I saw you or the first time I was able to think of you and feel nothing, but being without you has shied from my greatest fear to my reality.

You're out there somewhere with someone else unaware of how close to you I am, while I’m here contemplating what life would’ve been like if I had stayed with you.

I didn’t have to bust my head on a textbook for four years on an island. It could’ve been us against the world. It could’ve been my child in your arms or even my cooking that you are eating (for better or for worse). Maybe I could’ve been a better person or perhaps a better friend if I had given up my plans for you.

Instead, I chose to drift away from you. Instead, I went to France. Instead, I went to school in Hawaii and didn’t transfer with you. Instead, I chose to give up on us. Each time I said good-bye to you, I thought that was it for me. I thought I wouldn’t be happy without you, but I couldn’t settle for you either.

My laughter echoes on the empty street where we used to be as I think of the new plans that I have made independently. The life I’ve made for myself. The accomplishments I’ve had in my own struggles and academic success. We are so close in this moment, but you don’t know where I am or who I’ve become. There’s a liberation of the soul knowing how much I have become. I am free because the plans we had together on this silly, empty street never happened.

The lights are twinkling, the street is glowing and I’m wearing my own coat to keep me warm. The street fades as my mind fills with what my reality is now. I think we are both closer to us now than we were when we were together. I’m closer to me and you’re closer to you; we are closer to us and who God wants us to be.