6 minute read
Huge burden of bereavement eased
Bereavement is tough for anyone, but when it leaves a distraught wife with a farm to run, animals to care for and children to support, the burden goes well beyond the emotional.
Friends, neighbours and family will no doubt do their best, but the mental strain of suddenly having to run a dairy farm, tackle unfamiliar paperwork and be ‘mum’ to three distressed children while dealing with grief, funeral arrangements and probate would overwhelm the toughest of us.
That was the situation in which Janice (name changed but the story is true) found herself when her dairy farmer husband Phil died in 2021 in his late fifties.
His unexpected death from leukaemia left Janice and her three children, two of them in their mid-teens, facing an intolerable burden, one that was eased considerably when a farmer friend of her late husband’s suggested she should contact the Farming Community Network (FCN).
Founded in 1995, FCN describes itself as “a national voluntary organisation and charity that supports farmers and families within the farming community through difficult times”. It has helped thousands of people with a range of issues, from financial difficulties, mental ill-health and family disputes through to dealing with animal disease.
Janice turned to FCN after several months in which she struggled to cope with the aftermath of Phil’s death. While she had played her part in supporting the 200-acre farm on the Kent/Sussex border, where Phil grew maize as well as grass for his 200-head Friesian herd, plus followers, she was far from ‘hands-on’.
“There was not a single day that Phil missed going to the yard, even when he was poorly,” Janice said. “Even while he was having blood transfusions as part of his treatment, he would check on the cows.”
Although Phil’s death was not linked to the pandemic, it happened during lockdown, adding to the pressure facing the family at such a traumatic time. To make matters worse it was during the winter, adding bad weather to the list of issues.
“When Phil died I was in bits, but we still had a farm to run, and that wasn’t something I was used to doing in a practical sense,” said Janice. “We had two stockmen for milking, and neighbouring farmers, family and friends were amazing, but the impact was still overwhelming.
“Calves were being born and needed selling, there were veterinary records to keep up to date and so many other things to think about, as well as looking after the children. It just became impossible to keep everything up to date. Phil’s elderly parents were also poorly, so I was trying to keep an eye on them, too.”
“My sister dropped everything and came to help and I thought my only option was to try to keep going. I didn’t realise that there was help available but thought you just had to push through and do the best you could. I didn’t know about the FCN until a neighbouring farmer suggested I contact them. They were, frankly, amazing.”
While FCN provides emotional support and a welcome shoulder in difficult times, the charity also offers practical help. “We were facing issues with our animal passports because Phil had got behind with record keeping while he was poorly. FCN stepped in and helped massively to sort out the muddle,” Janice recalled. “It was a huge relief when the late application was approved.”
FCN, which is supported by a network of 400 volunteers nationwide, made sure Janice had someone to talk to whenever she needed it. “It really helped a lot to know that I didn't have to face things alone. I often had someone to talk to several times a week – and they were there for the children, too, if they needed it.”
FCN also offered practical help when there was a problem with the bulk tank, a piece of kit Janice knew very little about. “It was reassuring to know that I could call at any reasonable time for practical help and advice,” she said. “The website is another fantastic resource and very accessible.”
The cattle, always Janice’s priority, were sold in the summer of 2021, but while they have long gone, FCN is still there. “I’m working hard to be independent, but I know that whenever I need some help, as long as it’s farming related they will be there for me,” she said.
“FCN made a big difference to me and to us as a family. The emotional support I received also helped the children to cope because they knew I was in good hands. It’s still difficult and I am now dealing with all the probate issues. I could have accessed more help, but I am doing my best to cope and I know the FCN team will always be there for me.”
Janice’s eldest daughter Sally, 21, added: “It was so nice to know that there was someone there, separate from immediate friends and family, who understood what we were going through and, importantly, understood farming and the more complex situation we were trying to cope with. It was reassuring for us to know that she wasn’t on her own.”
FCN Regional Support Officer (South East) Sally Field commented: “Many of our volunteers are involved in farming or have close links with agriculture, and therefore have a great understanding of, and empathy with, the issues farm workers and farming families regularly face. They provide free, confidential, pastoral and practical support to anyone who seeks help, regardless of whether the issue is personal or business-related.”
The charity runs a free, confidential, national Helpline (03000 111 999) which is open every day of the year from 7am-11pm and an e-Helpline (help@ fcn.org.uk).
Sally added: “FCN relies solely on donations and grants to continue supporting the farming community. With British farming facing deep uncertainty in the coming years, the workload of FCN volunteers is expected to increase significantly.”
The last word goes to Janice: “I know it can be really very hard to pick up the phone and ask for help, or to admit that you are struggling, particularly in farming where there is a “stiff upper lip” attitude and an idea that we should just struggle through, but it is important to ask for help, especially when farming can be isolating.
“In my experience FCN has been incredibly empathetic, non-judgemental and supportive.”
