GRRRL ASYLUM Issue #4
Note From The Editor:
A note from the Editor:
As many of you can see, we have been on hiatus for about two months. I am the sole person currently running this zine and sometimes unfortunately my day to day life gets a little too full and I don’t always find time to get to what really makes me happy. In order to keep this from happening again. I am looking to build a staff to help run things when I can’t get to them so quickly. If you are interested in helping keep this zine running smoothly, please email me at grrrlssmashpatriarchy@gmail.com. Thank you to all who were patient with me and have stuck with us since day one. You have given me the drive to make time because what we are doing together is so important. When you share your voice, your words, your stories, your art with our readers, you incite change. You build community. You connect with your fellow woman. This issue focuses on our bodies. The good, the bad, rants, raves and recovery. *Some content in this issue may be triggering to some due to: diet talk, eating disorders, body shaming, and self-harm.
Happy reading GRRRLS! -K 1
Maddi Montero Amezaga 2
I almost unfollowed all of my thinspo blogs today. By Emily My father once told me that he had high hopes for me And if I could just lose a little weight, I wouldn’t end up like my sister. And I’d find a good man To love me. My mother once told me That she didn’t want me to hug her today Because she felt too big. Too much of her existed To be touched And to be loved. And so my body became the monster That hid under my bed And in my closet at night. The road to loving myself is painful and there are days where there are comments and there are memories and there are triggers and there are looks and plates of food and family dinners and nights out with friends that amplify the voice of the demon that clings to my back and sinks its teeth into my neck and in the worst kinds of whispers say “because you have more, you are less. you will always be less.” I still look in the mirror and see numbers and words. 150 today. 3
0 tomorrow. 100 the day after. Problem areas. Not as small as her. He will not love me for much longer unless i get down to 105. Shame. Melancholy. i’ve wasted 10 years of my life thinking i would start living tomorrow. but when I look into my eyes now I see a spirit that understands and forgives but doesn’t know how to live life the way it was intended. and I have shaved the follicles that sprout from my beautiful skull and i’ve wept. And i see the full scowl my eyebrows hold and the flesh on my knuckles are white. I am a something different now. I must touch my belly And tell it that it is loved. I must hold my arms And say they are mine. I must cup my breasts And tell them they are enough. i must look at my stretch marks and in my mind, kiss them. you are enough. I must look at myself in the mirror now and say 4
I’m sorry For taking out my anguish On you. the truth spills from my heart. If I’m ready to fight this world, If I’m ready to fight for other girls, I need to fight this. I need to fight myself.
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“Fun In The Sun” - Cait 6
"No Flowers from a Stranger" By: Eliz Ozden Portland, OR
My mother, she was called a whore By every man she tried to touch With her tiny hands and skin so pale A heartbeat like a ladybug’s
Her mother said, don't be yourself Just wear orange, never black Be exactly who you're not Then those men will love you back
So she grabbed a stranger’s dying tulips Left her home in Istanbul Set herself next to a ghost
Each year passing, twice as cruel My mother took the saddest bits and made them have some meaning When everyone said otherwise, her heart was ever gleaming
"Only you can hope endanger be yourself despite the madness, and take no flowers from a stranger."
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Home Grown Sarah Byerley February 26, 2014 My feet have never touched the land that my grandmother came from but I helped her work, learned her lessons, heard her stories, and they all flow through my veins, a part of who I am. My mother never claimed to know everything but she knew what was best for us, how to care for us, to worry for us, taught us to be our best, and her love flows through my veins, a part of who I am. I do not yet know who I am but when I feel alone I close my eyes and see the rows and rows of crops growing tall and strong, beside my grandmother’s house. Crops to feed the hungry mouths, crops to feed the hungry heart, crops to feed the hungry soul, stationed in the dirt turned by her hands, turned by my mother’s hands, turned by my sister’s hands, and by mine. It fuels me and it feeds me, coursing through my veins, giving me strength, giving me comfort to know that we are all home grown.
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panteha.tumblr.com
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Transgender: The Neuromatrix and the Sense of Self. Ashley Ryan One of the most frequent things I hear cisgender people say when the topic of transgender people enters a conversation is their refusal and/or inability to understand how anyone could actually feel out of place in their own body. Something called the neuromatrix, which is a configuration of neurons in the brain that generate patterns and process information and produces patterns that give you the experience of your entire body, can explain why this happens (Foley & Matlin, 2010). Before I relate the neuromatrix to being transgender, let me first relate this concept to the phenomena of phantom limbs. People who have a limb amputated often report still feeling as if they have a limb there, despite the fact the limb has been removed. The neuromatrix theory suggests that because neurons in your brain create a map of your body, your brain will still feel as though there is a limb there. The brain continues to represent that missing limb because the neural connections and patterns in the brain still exist. The removal of an arm or a leg does not physically affect the individual’s brain. This phenomenon isn’t limited to amputees; people who are born without limbs often experience phantom limbs as well. In addition to phantom limbs there have also been reports of phantom organs, phantom breasts and phantom penises. For example, men who’ve had their penis amputated, usually due to cancer, often report the existence of a phantom penis. This now leads us to being transgender. Transgender people often report that they feel trapped in the body of the wrong gender. The concept of the neuromatrix can explain this. What has essentially happened is their neuromatrix is inconsistent with their 10
entire body. Scientists Ramachanran and McGeoch tested their idea by hypothesizing that transgender folks should be less likely than men with penis cancer to report having a phantom penis after male-to-female gender reassignment surgery (Foley & Matlin, 2010).. Their data supported their hypothesis! So basically, when a cisgender man with cancer has their penis amputated, they report having a phantom penis because their neuromatrix matches their body. When a transgender individual (male-to-female gender reassignment) has their penis removed, they do NOT report having a phantom penis because their neuromatrix doesn’t include male genitalia! I believe that some cisgender people’s negative reactions to transgender people are due to their total ignorance on the topic and their complete lack of understanding. People often fear what they don’t know or what they don’t understand. This fear and inability to understand makes it hard for them to empathize. Fear and lack of empathy tend to be the primary emotions behind discriminatory, rude and even hateful feelings, behaviors, and attitudes toward transgender folks. I believe if cisgender people were to understand the science behind being transgender they would gain empathy, understanding and insight. If you can place yourself in someone else’s shoes, you’d be more likely to be open-minded and accepting rather than hateful or judgmental.
Citation: Foley, H., & Matlin, M. (2010) Sensation and Perception. Boston: Pearson Education Inc.
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Feminism and Recovery by Eden Robinson I'm proud to call myself a body-positive feminist. It took a long time for me to see how the two are related. When I finally saw the connection, feminism became my lifesaver. I clung to it, and slowly began to climb back out of the quicksand pit of anorexia, binge eating disorder, and body hatred. I'm still in the healing process, and maintaining the "body positive" part often feels like a struggle. As I recently thought about the relationship between feminist values and appreciating one's own body, I realized how much of feminism is essentially about body ownership. A huge part of feminism is believing that a woman always has complete ownership of her own body. Most of what we fight against as feminists is essentially a belief that a woman's body can become someone else's property. We believe that a woman's ownership of her body cannot be transferred to a boyfriend, husband, or fetus. It cannot be transferred to a culture, society, or other women. It cannot be transferred to someone who finds the woman attractive, including her "nice guy" friend. It cannot be transferred to someone else who sees a panty line, skin blemish, or wrinkle. A woman's ownership of her body is not affected by what she is or isn't wearing. This ownership cannot be transferred to an industry
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that views certain body types as "acceptable" and others as "unacceptable". This helped me realize how body positivity is one of the ultimate acts of feminist defiance. It is feeling pride and love where misogyny expects us to feel shame and hatred. It is truly claiming one's body as one's own. I am still learning how to replace shame with love. I am still letting go of this cannibalistic obsession that devours time and energy. I am still realizing that my body is no one's but my own, and that how I feel in it is all that matters. My ultimate goal is to heal completely and then help other women find more moments of positivity in their own bodies.
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Why it’s Okay NOT to Love Your Body Sometimes By Maria Hanophy A friend of mine once told another friend that I would probably have trouble getting through a recent breakup because I wasn’t a strong person, and because I didn’t have a high opinion of myself. I was not angry because she called me weak, but rather because she had judged my character based on how I viewed my body. I did feel like a weak person at the time, but not for the reasons she thought. Not once in my relationship had I ever believed the boy when he called me fat, ugly, or stupid. I knew I was beautiful. I knew I was smart. My friends would constantly coo over me and tell me how wrong he was, and how I should never think less of myself because of him, but I didn’t. I brushed off the comments about my physical appearance. I told him to stop when he drummed on my stomach and nicknamed me “Chubs.” I didn’t let him get to me. But I sometimes let myself get to me. My friend isn’t completely wrong. I don’t have a very high opinion of myself. There are days when I think I look like a hideous beast, and there are days when I think I look like a fairytale princess. I don’t take compliments well, and I never have. I think I could stand to lose a few pounds. There are parts of my body that I hate, and there are parts that I really like. But my personal body image does not determine my strength. The way I see it, you don’t have to love your body in order to be a strong person. You are a strong person if you make it out the door every morning. You are a strong person if you think you look like a creature from the bowels of hell without makeup, but you don’t wear makeup today because you didn’t feel like putting it on. 15
You are a strong person if you wear a dress you love that exposes the thighs you hate. You are a strong person if you are self-conscious but don’t let that stop you from living. I have heard so many people, including my friends, complain about self-conscious people and how they are depressing and not fun to be around. But I think there is nothing better than someone who questions the social repercussions of everything he or she does and still manages to do things. In my opinion, the strongest people are those who continue on although it’s difficult. Having low self-esteem or a poor body image does not make a person weak; a person’s strength comes from his or her determination to keep going. We live in a world dominated by people telling us to diet, wear makeup, and do all kinds of things to change how we look. Loving ourselves is incredibly important, but it can also be difficult. No one should ever feel bad for having low self-esteem, because that is not what defines a person. I believe a person is defined by what he or she puts out into the world and how he or she impacts others. People who struggle with body image issues but continue to get up every morning and live their lives inspire me to do the same. I have friends who are incredibly confident and happy even though they don’t love their bodies, and through their determination and passion, they remind me that I don’t have to love what I see in the mirror, because I am more than just a body.
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ARTIST INFO: Leslie Borozck – Cover Photo: “ Haruko + Setsuna”, Page 14: “Faces”, Page 17: “Snapshots” TUMBLR: http://lb-lb-lb.tumblr.com Maddi Montero Amezaga – Photo submission, page 2 TUMBLR: http://maddimontero.tumblr.com Emily –“ I Almost Unfollowed All of My Thinspo Blogs Today” TUMBLR: http://dumpsterhands.tumblr.com Cait – Photo Submission : Fun In the Sun Page 6 TUMBLR: http://dare-i-be-free.tumblr.com Eliz Oden –“No Flowers From A Stranger” Sarah Byerly –“Homegrown” TUMBLR: http://fem-for-thought.tumblr.com Ashley – Trangender: The Neuromatrix and The Sense of Self Eden Robinson – Feminism And Recovery Maria Hanophy- Why Its Okay NOT To Love Your Body Sometimes TUMBLR: http://stronginsideandout.tumblr.com NEXT MONTH’S THEMES: ADDICTION, CREATION SEND SUBMISSIONS TO: GRRRLSSMASHPATRIARCHY@GMAIL.COM ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE IN BY 5/15/14 FIND US AT https://www.facebook.com/GrrrlsSmashingthePatriarchy http://grrrls-smashing-the-patriarchy.tumblr.com/
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