(born . 1942) - Scottish comedian, actor, musician.
My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd sh*g everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still." I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home. Save the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires! What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser! Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of cigarette packet. Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad enough him being a Jehova's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head - supposedly for people to drive along the freeway with. Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???' Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's. I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. I always look skint( HOMELESS MAGAZINE). When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence? So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs. -- (after receiving an honorary degree from Glasgow University) Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. -- (on infamous Scotland soccer manager Ally McLeod)
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes. There are two seasons in Scotland - June and Winter. The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.