Conscious Dying: Adventures Between this World and the Next January 16 – February 11, 2019
Dedication: Marguerite’s husband, Stewart Burgin, was loyal, faithful and very near her during this dying process. As hard as it was on him, he was able to support her in dying in the way she longed to die. His grace was a huge blessing to her during these final days.
Preface I This booklet is an unexpected offering, one which emerged out of a labor of love between two friends: one dying, one accompanying the other on the journey towards death. Marguerite Burgin has been my best friend, my soul sister, and my ultimate support for over forty years. In the early years––after being introduced by a mutual friend––I saw her simply as a good person in my life, nothing more. As psychotherapists, we traveled out of state together taking long-term intensive training in various psychotherapeutic methods. We both began to embark on processes of intense inner-work. In time––and as our inner healing and inner growth progressed––we became each other’s confidantes. Together, as our paths became more spiritual, we read countless books on metaphysics, attended many workshops and lead workshops of our own. We spread our wings into mysticism, always in the company of each other. We shared our families, wounds, shame, dreams and hopes. We co-owned a yellow sailboat which we sailed on Lake Maumelle in Arkansas. During the last few years of Marguerite’s life, we spoke on the phone two or three times a week. We encouraged each other, discussing our night-time dreams and any spiritual experiences either of us had had. There was always a true delight in her voice when I called, and she would usually begin the conversation with a joyful and curious, “Have you had any dreams?” She asked that question with real anticipation; she was expectant that the Spirit was about to bless her through the sharing of our dreams and meditation visions. Throughout 2018, Marguerite’s health began to decline. Medically, there was no sign of anything life-threatening yet she had a series of very specific dreams which led her to believe that her life on earth was coming to an end. About five months before she died, she had the following dream: I am going through my clothes closet sorting clothes. When I get to my summer wardrobe, someone says, “Don’t worry about those, you won’t be here next summer so you won’t need them.”
This is just one of numerous dreams which led her to the conclusion that she would soon be leaving her earthly life. In response, she began to meet with a nurse who specializes in end-of-life planning and care. That nurse also met with Marguerite’s husband, Stewart Burgin, so that the three of them could be clear about what both Marguerite and Stewart wanted towards the end of their lives. Papers were signed and promises were made. In mid-January 2019, Stewart called to say that Marguerite had experienced some type of “event.” He said she wanted me to come over quickly and that she did not want him to take her to the hospital. She also asked him to call the nurse who she had been meeting with. When I arrived Marguerite––reclining in a chair––was semi-conscious. She barely spoke but was able to make it abundantly clear that she did not want to go to the hospital under any circumstances. “Dying. Happy about it,” she said. This was, of course, a shock for her dear husband; it understandably went against his natural inclination of care. When the nurse arrived Marguerite again said, “Dying. Very happy about it. No hospital.” The nurse predicted that she would perhaps live three to five more days. She believed Marguerite had likely suffered a heart attack or stroke. At this point, Marguerite was in her eighties; she’d had a good life. She’d had multiple health issues during the past year, but they hadn’t stopped her total commitment to living her life in harmony with the Divine. She profoundly believed that the Divine had been telling her for months that her time on earth was drawing to its close. She was ready to surrender, not to her own will but to that of the Divine. She wanted to give her assent to her own death process, and that is exactly what she did. It took twenty-seven days for Marguerite to die. Twenty-seven days of magic, challenges, love, boundaries, laughter, ritual, music, deep friendship, touch and distance. Of impersonal energy, spiritual revelations, deep connections to Christ, eyeopening insights into Jesus’ last days and partnership with His suffering. Twenty-seven days of being fed by the reading of scripture. At the end, she made the glorious transition to a whole new life. During this dying-time, Marguerite had many visions. She saw the Divine creating humans on a potter’s wheel; she saw angels come into her house to separate her soul from her body and take her to the “pod,” which would, in turn, transport her to Heaven. She experienced Christ’s passion, walking the way of his suffering by his side. The Bible became alive to her in unexpected and delightful ways. She called it her “food” once she stopped eating; she called it “the good stuff.”
These are just some of the experiences that this book is about. It was Marguerite’s longing––and it is my wish––for these stories to strengthen you. To bolster your hope in human friendship; to demonstrate the power of human will while surrendering to Divine Will; to reconnect you with Christ on a deeper and more profound level. We hope that these stories will make you laugh. We hope they might provide you with a blueprint for a process of dying that is suffused with beauty and meaning. Blessings to you on your journey. Susan Sims Smith
II For many years now, Marguerite, Susan and I––along with others––have gotten together to talk about dreams. With skillful examination, dreams can serve to correct the attitudes and beliefs we hold about ourselves and others in daily life. But more than that, they illuminate our deepest longings and our greatest fears. They function as a beacon that illuminates the journey our soul takes back to the Divine. Over the years, I have gratefully received Marguerite’s profound wisdom and loving support through her insights about my dreams. I feel privileged to have witnessed her own soul journey: the ways in which she was guided, taught and comforted in her daily life, and then ultimately ushered Home. In my work as a veterinarian, I often help my clients provide home hospice care for their beloved animals. It is a profound honor to participate in these intimate soul connections. I have found that our best––our most authentic––selves shine through at these times, when our emotional vulnerability causes us to drop our usual concerns with cultural norms. Our attention is fixed on the one who is dying. We cry, laugh, and love, all while facing our deepest fears, losses and regrets. And the Divine is smack-dab in the middle of it––if we have the eyes to see, and the courage to hear, the message. Transcribing Susan’s journal allowed me to glimpse the face of the Divine in the midst of this human relationship. The incredible support, love and humor of God that shines through these dreams, experiences and visions is mirrored by the mutual support, love and humor of my two beloved friends. Being immersed in this material also taught me that no opportunity is lost––even during the last moments of our lives––to strip away our limiting beliefs so that we can open ourselves and surrender to more Love. Pat Bradley
A Note on Conscious Dying In most of recorded history people have wondered about the death and dying process. In recent years, there has been particular focus on the importance of people having choices surrounding the process of their death. For my friend Marguerite Burgin, conscious dying meant: 1. Electing against medical care to prolong life. 2. Limiting consumption of pain medication in order to maintain heightened awareness of her rich inner process. 3. Spending much time alone as she was dying. Taking this time to review her life, be forgiven for mistakes, forgive others, and be acknowledged by others whom she blessed on her journey. 4. Listening to an unexpected deep hunger for Christian scripture and the story of Christ’s death. 5. Keeping her mind on the Divine. 6. Limiting the number of people who came into her room. 7. Being exact and informing her caregivers what she wanted or did not want as it related to food, water, fresh air, flowers, and all manner of things. This meant letting go of her ego and her desire to please others, listening instead to her own soul and tolerating the discomfort of others’ reactions. 8. Using death to grow spiritually. It was creating a space so that she could do deep inner work and be filled with remarkable mystical insights and experiences as she died. She stayed conscious for the multitude of blessings that she received in dreams, meditation and in quiet. Watching her intense commitment to limiting pain meds, limiting visitors, and doing a deep dive into the spiritual was a profound experience. Please join me as I walk readers through the path her dying took. May you be blessed by the insights and strengths that came during her conscious dying process.
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Wednesday, January 16, 2019 Marguerite’s husband, Stewart Burgin, called me at 10.30 a.m. to tell me that Marguerite had experienced some kind of “spell” and was refusing to let him take her to the emergency room. Something had shifted, and Marguerite appeared to be actively dying. She was refusing all food and would accept only a little water. Marguerite asked to be moved from a reclining chair in the living room and into to her bed. She had additional requests: she did not want phone calls, or food, or flowers, or visitors. She was not dismayed; she appeared excited and happy about the prospect of dying and expressed hope that it would be soon. Realizing we needed practical help to support her, I arranged caregivers to assist around the clock. The nurse who, for the past five months, had been doing home visits came to examine Marguerite. At Marguerite’s request, they had been discussing death and dying issues during this time. The nurse thought Marguerite would live through the weekend, that was all. I intended to stay with her as much as I could over the next few days to be with her as she passed away. Neither Marguerite nor I had any idea that she would go on to live for almost a month, or that our lives would be changed by the astonishing dreams, visions, and insights that came to her as she was leaving this world. Over the next twenty-seven days, I took notes on Marguerite’s journey towards death. She was very happy that I was doing this. At some point it became clear to both of us that these notes could help others understand more about the dying process. We knew they needed to be turned into a booklet and distributed to whomever they may help. I invite you to walk with me through the last days of Marguerite’s life as you read on. May her last experiences bless you on your path with the Divine.
[Editor’s note: in the dialogues which follow, MB refers to Marguerite Burgin, and SSS to Susan Sims Smith. Italicized type refers to direct speech.]
Thursday, January 17 MB: For years I have prayed at night for sixty-eight million homeless people––most are men; a few are women. I tell them that God loves them as much as God loves any other person and that their 2
suffering is for a reason. I tell them I know it is hard for them to believe that. I tell them that their suffering is a sacrifice that God is using for good and that someday they will be shown exactly how it is part of God’s plan. I tell them there is meaning in their suffering. Then I travel in my prayer time. I go to Syria and Yemen and villages in Africa and slums in Chicago and all over, praying for them. I go to war-torn places. I tell each person how much they are helping with God’s plan and how they are deeply loved despite their very difficult circumstances. MB: [Later on in the day.] God gave me a blessing today. In the silence, he showed me ten to fifteen of these homeless people for whom I pray. They were to serve as representatives of the whole 68 million. Each of these people had received housing, food, medical care and training if they needed it. God showed me that that is what he is eventually going to do. I got to watch my prayers being answered before my eyes and I received the reassurance that God will not stop until this work for the poor and homeless is complete. The actual process of dying was fascinating to Marguerite. She wanted to cooperate with its natural rhythms, though still wished for it to advance a little faster. She soon came to realize just how much she was learning. As the twenty-seven days progressed, she tried–– with much success––to tolerate the long and meandering path towards leaving her body. She received reassurance early in the death process. MB: I heard a voice say, “The schedule for your death is perfect!” MB: [Later.] I don’t have to try dying techniques; it is being handled for me. MB: [Later still.] I heard a voice say, “You are doing a good job.”
Friday, January 18 MB: [9 a.m.] I am in no pain; I have no fear. Why would I want to sit and visit with anyone when I can be in Jesus’ arms? I want no visitors; I have work to do. I am happy. I am excited. From the very first day, Marguerite made it abundantly clear that social interaction stood in the way of her rich inner process and that it was her preference to be alone.
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Sunday, January 20 Judy Mintz, Marguerite’s niece whom she treasured, flew in from Chicago as soon as she learned that Marguerite was dying. Judy, out of respect for Marguerite’s wish to be alone, was willing to not enter her room. When I asked Marguerite about it, she said, “Judy. I want her to come in but I don’t want her to connect with me. I am so bonded to her that it would pull me back. She can sit in the room but don’t look at me, don’t talk or touch; then leave. She can stay in the room about ten minutes.” Marguerite cried; she loved Judy intensely and wanted to be near her, but she was experiencing a powerful tug to let go of all of her earthly connections. “When someone touches me, it slams me back to Earth,” she said. “I am getting weaker.” MB: There is someone talking in a loud voice [possibly a neighbor] and a man who is a fake and is pretending to be from India. I realize they are evil. I tell them, “Leave in Jesus’ name!” Marguerite responded, strong and clear. This was the first of several times she experienced the presence of evil; it manifested to tempt her or to trouble her, but she was not perturbed. MB: Am I floating all over the room?
SSS: I don’t see it but that does not mean it is not happening.
MB: What is the word? There is a word for this. I cannot think of it. SSS: Levitating? MB: Yes. My body and I are levitating all over the room. I like it. No fear, no pain. I am happy and excited. I am in Jesus’ arms. Why would I want to talk to a person in the room? I am 4
doing work. I have work to do. I don’t need anyone in the room. I am working on confession of my sins. Somebody in the room interrupted me today. Three times this week I have almost died, and a person interrupted me each time and stopped my ascension. I am not happy about this. Perhaps the interrupters stopped the conscious awareness of her ascension process, but the actual physical death was not stopped: it was programmed by the Divine.
Monday, January 21 MB: [Morning.] Pain: throat hurts; lungs hurt. SSS: The doctor has sent stronger pain meds if you need it. [She looks at me askance.] MB: “You comfort me.” MB: [Later.] “Can I see Stewart? No touching. Brief.” I took Stewart back to see her. Marguerite tried to say she loves him, but cried. Stewart expressed his love for her and assured her that he will be okay after she is gone. He told her that he’s happy for her to have the fun she will in Heaven; he tells her he’s glad that she’ll receive her rewards in Heaven. Their conversation was very tender. “She is telling you goodbye,” I said. Marguerite nodded in agreement. Later, she said to the nurse, “Dying…happy.” Around midnight she had trouble swallowing her Tylenol.
Tuesday, January 22 In the morning I dreamt that Bob Lehmberg will show Marguerite the infrastructure of heaven. Bob was a physician for whom I was a spiritual director; I accompanied him in his dying process also. He was a regular student of Marguerite’s Sunday school class at 5
Second Presbyterian Church in Little Rock, Arkansas. It was in that class that he made his deep personal connection with the Divine. In my dream, he had been assigned to show Marguerite around Heaven. I told Marguerite about my dream. She smiled, then cried at the thought of Bob being with her in heaven. MB: [3.05 a.m.] Did you find the obituary? Did my parents get in there correctly? When are you going to call Steve Hancock? [Marguerite’s minister] Add Jim Young, Margie and Judy Mintz to the list of people to notify. MB: [3:07 a.m.; laughing with abandon.] If I wake up in the morning and I am still here [She laughs], then I’m going to quit this system and go to another one. It hasn’t worked––so far.” [More laughter] Marguerite believed she was following a “system,” which would help her die, and in reality, she did have one: don’t go to the doctor, don’t eat, and, eventually, stop drinking. Her system interacted with a Divinely appointed schedule; she was told there were specific reasons for the exact moment of her death. She oscillated between surrendering to the unknown timeframe of the process and wishing for it to be over more quickly. MB: [3:10 a.m.] When are you going to Ireland? SSS: Not until May. MB: Good, we will get this [her dying] done before then. She laughed in recognition that this is a concern. I teased her about worrying over the end date. We laughed together. MB: I am so controlling. [She laughs.] SSS: How is that working for you, Girlfriend? MB: Great! I can’t even get out of here.” [More laughter.] 6
I knew that by “out of here” she meant the departure from her physical body in this life and her journey into heaven. She asked for a clock and I put one near her. MB: My lungs are clear. It took me 30 years. Listen. [She takes a deep breath, showing off her lung capacity.] My lungs are clear as a bell. Marguerite suffered from asthma for more than thirty years. It was her deeply held belief that the origin of the condition was the trauma of losing both her parents when she was young. She did years and years of thorough inner work in the service of healing her past wounds. As she persisted in inner healing, her lungs became healthier and healthier until eventually she was well. She breathed freely and without medication for the last fifteen to twenty years of her life. That night, while I slept on a mat on the floor of her bedroom, I heard the word, “Miriam.” Miriam was Peggy Hays’ given name. It was also the name for Mother Mary, mother of Jesus. I wonder if the word I heard was a reference to Peggy, Mother Mary, or both. Peggy was an Episcopal priest who had been an ardent leader in both consciousness work and mysticism. She was an original member of Marguerite’s and my dream group, the Star Seeds. I suspected Peggy was assisting Marguerite’s dying process along with Mother Mary. I felt presence of both Miriams; they were near. At 8.30 a.m. we gave her Tylenol. She either couldn’t or wouldn’t open her mouth to take the medication. We let it go and she slept deeply. At 9.28 a.m. I sent an email to my sister: She is much weaker this A.M. There were 2 angels in the room at 3:30 A.M. At 8:30 A.M. she refused her Tylenol for the first time. She is on her way home. Last night she told the nurse; “Dying. Happy.”
Wednesday, January 23 At 12.50 p.m. I had the following dream: There is a 2-year-old boy dressed in full baseball gear. He and his friend play on opposing teams. He says to his friend joyfully, “Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!” over and over. He is ignoring that if his friend succeeds in hitting the ball, his own team will be disadvantaged. However, he loves baseball and loves the friend so deeply that he wants joy and success for his friend. 7
I awoke from the dream to see Marguerite’s aqua-colored spirit leaving the room. I think the dream was showing me that I was assisting Marguerite, encouraging her towards her longed-for goal. I knew how much she wanted to make her transition to Heaven. I also knew that once she hits the ball––dies and goes to Heaven––it would be difficult for me. She––my best friend, confidante and spiritual sister––was woven into the tapestry of my daily life. In the dream I was not considering my loss; I was encouraging her, passionately and with abandon. I truly wanted for her to succeed in her heart’s longing. I knew that eventually I would need to take the time and space to grieve her death, but at the time, I was ready and able to give her my all. Marguerite asked for a full bath. Her caregivers––Jackie and Shirley––and I had developed a system for bathing her. A friend brought over a plastic chair to assist in the process. Marguerite vocalized her pleasure with a chorus of Oohs and Ahs. She experienced the bathing with a joy that is near impossible to describe. It was clear the cleansing transcended her mortal body; she was experiencing a spiritual and sensual cleansing of her soul. Midway through the shower Marguerite says, “I am going to Heaven.” “You will be the cleanest one there,” I reply. Marguerite loved that thought. MB: [Later that afternoon.] Have you met [her niece] Judy Minz? SSS: No, but from talking to her on the phone, I know I would really like her. I wish I could be her friend. [She smiles. I tell her that Judy’s daughter Alice is pregnant. Marguerite blesses the child.] MB: Call Judy Mintz and say goodbye to all three of her kids for me. And thank Judy Krug for the chair. She asked for me to have Stewart play sacred music after she dies, then asked me to bring him back to see her. She said he could say whatever he wanted to say, but that she didn’t want him to stay long, and she didn’t want to be touched. I told her about the baseball dream, and we laughed. MB: We have had fun going through this together. [She smiles.] 8
I have mild heart pain, but don’t need meds. At 9 p.m. she asked me to bring in some of what she called “the doctor’s medicine,” in case she were to need it in the night.
Thursday, January 24 As I slept at Marguerite’s house for most of the twenty-seven nights, I was able to hear her nighttime revelations. At three in the morning, Marguerite told me three dreams:
Dream One: Stewart and I have bought a gift of expensive chocolate for each other––the same brand and kind–– and we don’t know that the other one has done the same thing. It’s a wonderful gift of our love for each other. It is a symbol of loveliness between us and very touching. [She cries.] Dream Two: It’s early evening and I’m in a space that is sheltered from rain or snow. Now, I’m taken outside. Fairies are here. People are traveling through the forest to see me and honor me for my work. I’m surprised to see acres and acres of people. I have helped each of these people and I need to allow them to walk in front of me to acknowledge me. It will take a while. Dream Three: I’m on a potter’s wheel. We go around on an oval. People are being moved from clay into a human body to be born. Other people are being moved from a human body back to clay. That is what is happening to me; I am moving back to clay. Going the other way––from clay into a body––is easier than going from a body back to clay. I am getting bigger. The only sound is the clanking of the wheel every time it produces a human. You go one way and you get bigger, which I did! If you go the other way you get smaller. I watched the whole process of the wheel and clay. Very interesting. It’s just the way it is––no fear. Before you are popped out, God puts a stamp on you that determines how much suffering is needed for your soul growth in this lifetime. It is totally pre-planned for your soul growth. MB: [8.45 p.m.] I’m going back to clay. It’s harder than starting in clay. It’s hard. I don’t like it but I can do it. SSS: We can help you, too. We can help you. 9
MB: I see white flowers losing petals. The only way I can talk is with orange. We had an orange sponge that we moistened so she could consume water. When she wanted to drink, she’d ask for “Orange.” SSS: Do you want me to close the window? MB: No, I like it open. It helps me leave the earth to have the window open. MB: [11.20 p.m.] Dream—write it down: Oprah is here. I get to see all her good works––her girls in Africa and so on. She begins to cook and a man with her offers me food. I know I’m not supposed to eat so I say, “In the name of Christ get out of here!” Then the Devil sends a very handsome man to tempt me to eat. I send him away in the same way. I realize evil is approaching me through Oprah’s food issues. I command the evil to leave. SSS: The women in your groups will love what you are giving me to write in this booklet. MB: [Tenderly and with great depth of feeling.] The women in my women’s group are sweet women. MB: [Later] I have small pains; not that painful. No meds. That day, as I was helping to clean her, I was struck by how utterly thin she had become. She was enjoying any opportunity to laugh and joke around, so I say, “Vogue will only take photos of people as thin as you.” The room was filled with the sound of her laughter. I say, “They are coming for a photo shoot this afternoon.” MB: Now that I am this thin, I have nice legs. How thin am I? 10
SSS: Very. Perfect for Vogue! [She laughs.] I will write a book called The Marguerite Express and these Vogue photos can be the images. I will use the things you have had me write down for the text. [She laughs. We turn her onto her side so we can change her diaper.] Very Vogue-esque skinny bottom––a new angle for their photo shoot! They only take photos of bottoms that are this thin”. [She shakes with laughter.] MB: Tell Rose [Susan’s fashion savvy daughter] about Vogue coming. MB: [10 a.m.] Susan, pray me to Heaven. It was clear Marguerite was more than prepared to go. I had prayed for her a great deal but we both knew that the timing of her death was out of our hands. I could see that she was beginning to suffer; she was ready to be delivered from her pain.
Friday, January 25 MB: Tell Rick anything. [She worries about my knee surgery date coming up.] This dying thing is a trip. If I had known what conscious dying is, I might not have done it! [A few moments pause.] No, I would have. We talked about the similarities between dying and natural childbirth, about how muscles tighten as the body shuts down. MB: [11.25 p.m.] Susan, I was told to wake you up and tell you this: I’m in a house. It’s my house but it doesn’t look like my house. Angels are coming in the front door. They have come to separate my body from my soul. There are other people there, who are observing them. One of these people has a casserole. I tell them that it stinks, and try to get them not to eat it. They are working on me now. It won’t be long now. I’ll probably be gone by morning. This may be my last thing to say. I love you. 11
SSS: I have loved going through this with you. MB: Me too. She then gave me directions about her memorial service. She said, “Sing the 23rd Psalm if it’s held on a Saturday or Sunday.” MB: [12.15 a.m.] Wouldn’t it have been fun if I had had a second story on my house and you and I could have gone outside to look at the stars together? That would have been fun to do together. We might have missed that opportunity for fun, but we did not miss many, you and I. MB [12.30 a.m.] More about these angels. I wanted to wake you up and tell you more. SSS: I am not asleep. MB: Me neither – this is too interesting to watch. SSS: Who wants to sleep? MB: So, these people in jeans and t-shirts have regular lives, but they are really angels. They do this work of helping people when it’s time for the soul to separate from the body. They don’t get much time for fun, but they do eat and drink and have a good time together. That’s what they are doing now. I stop trying to get them to stop having food around me. The only person I know like that is one of my current caregivers. She is one of them; an angel assigned to help people die. She may not know it; she may think she is a caregiver. It may not be wise to out her. You may not even need to tell her. MB: [Later] The party of the angels is wrapping up. It won’t be long now. 12
[She makes a clucking sound as if exclaiming.] MB: [2.41 a.m.] The people have all left. It’s only the crew here now…the crew that takes people to the pod. The bodies stay and the souls go safely into the pod and the pod takes them to Heaven. You go in a group and there are about fifteen in my group. It is mechanically timed down to a precise moment. [She raises her hand and snaps her fingers for emphasis.] Marguerite disagreed with me about the date. She was sure it was the 26 th, I believed otherwise. I checked the calendar to find that she was correct, and I was mistaken. MB: I wonder what souls look like? [She is speaking of the souls that are about to enter a pod.] Stewart is here with me, looking at the pod. I ask if he is going and he replies, “No, I’m observing, to prepare myself.” Sounds like a Sci-fi novel! You and I are like two crazy women awake all night writing a science fiction novel. [Together, we laugh uproariously.]
Saturday, January 26 MB: [11.58 p.m.] Susan, the Australians have been working on a cure for Parkinson’s for many years. They are doing wonderful things. They understand the tremor. MB: [Later.] My time is close.
MB: [12.10 a.m.] I heard a voice say, “Pineapples are used to help kill viruses.”
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In the very early hours of the morning, between two and four a.m., Marguerite spoke to one of the caregivers. She said, “No war. War is so bad. Grandmother understands.” I knew that by Grandmother, she meant The Great Mother.
Sunday, January 27 MB: [7.30 a.m. following a very difficult night.] I’m waiting for Stewart. I am in a waiting room. He wants to go first. I spoke with Stewart about what Marguerite had said. He told her that he had changed his mind, he was okay with her being the first to go. MB: [10 a.m.] You have your ego till you die. I’ve had to deal with mine through this. God’s grace allowed me to stay cogent through last night so you could write all this stuff down. Next time I die, I’m going to do it with food! [She laughs with abandon.] SSS: A photo of an ice cream cone can be on the back cover of our booklet. [Marguerite laughs a lot. She is hungry] MB: Yum yum. [She asks for water.] I’m having more trouble talking. I’m so tired. I have head ache, eye ache, jaw ache, throat ache, but not terrible. MB: [Declining pain medication.] No, my bodily systems are shutting down. I don’t need meds; I am just watching as the systems are shutting down.” MB: [Later.] I see a bus with souls on it. It must not be mine yet. I can’t see what they look like. I really want to see what a soul looks like when its separated from a body, but I can’t.” [She Laughs.] 14
Monday, January 28 MB: Water…yummy. Small pains; not that painful. No meds.
Tuesday, January 29 At ten in the morning, Marguerite asked for her caregiver to get me. She was struggling to speak. She had greatly decreased her water intake since Sunday. MB: The reason it is taking so long is that a baby boy is trying to be born. A man came in my room last night who is trying to help him be born. Does that mean I am not going to get to go to heaven? She cried; her tears were ones of agony. I did my best to reassure her, in every way I could, that she would be going to Heaven. I used her cross, with an image of a baby being held by the Divine. MB: Water is gold. MB: [9.25 p.m.] Your vibration helps me get through this. I gave her Swamiji’s necklace and she slept with it clasped between her hands. She’d been very weak all day, sadly declaring that, “I’m so tired.” At around seven in the evening I read her scripture. Reading, then discussing this scripture quelled her worry about how long it was taking her to die. We talked about her getting a new spirit body. I had read her John Chapter 3 1-36, RSV: Now there was a Pharisee, a man named Nicodemus who was a member of the Jewish ruling council. 2 He came to Jesus at night and said, “Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the signs you are doing if God were not with him.” 3 Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.” 15
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“How can someone be born when they are old?” Nicodemus asked. “Surely they cannot enter a second time into their mother’s womb to be born!” 5 Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. 6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. 7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” 9 “How can this be?” Nicodemus asked. 10 “You are Israel’s teacher,” said Jesus, “and do you not understand these things? 11 Very truly I tell you, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. 12 I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? 13 No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven— the Son of Man.14 Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, 15 that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.” 16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. John Testifies Again About Jesus 22 After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptized. 23 Now John also was baptizing at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were coming and being baptized. 24 (This was before John was put in prison.) 25 An argument developed between some of John’s disciples and a certain Jew over the matter of ceremonial washing. 26 They came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, that man who was with you on the other side of the Jordan—the one you testified about—look, he is baptizing, and everyone is going to him.” 16
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To this John replied, “A person can receive only what is given them from heaven. 28 You yourselves can testify that I said, ‘I am not the Messiah but am sent ahead of him.’ 29 The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. 30 He must become greater; I must become less.” 31 The one who comes from above is above all; the one who is from the earth belongs to the earth, and speaks as one from the earth. The one who comes from heaven is above all. 32 He testifies to what he has seen and heard, but no one accepts his testimony. 33 Whoever has accepted it has certified that God is truthful. 34 For the one whom God has sent speaks the words of God, for God gives the Spirit without limit. 35 The Father loves the Son and has placed everything in his hands. 36 Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.
Wednesday, January 30 MB: [1.30 p.m.] I see people all around. They are not our people. They are workers at Heaven’s charging station. SSS: Marguerite! You must be at the edge of Heaven! MB: [Teasing.] Prove it to me! [She laughs.] I should not laugh at my own joke. SSS: You’ve been given a pass; you can get away with laughter at your own joke under these circumstances. MB: The only fun I am having is drinking water. [She laughs.] 17
MB: [3.16 p.m.] If you see Bob Lehmberg again, ask him what souls look like. I want to know.
Thursday, January 31 MB [1.00 p.m.] I have learned that in conscious dying, food reduces clarity. So it does not work to eat food. Drinking water is needed, but not food. Marguerite was more than ready to go. She had become very weak and fragile; I accidently hurt her as I tried to lay her down. While I was holding her, she cried.
MB: Have you asked God why I am still here?
SSS: It’s not your fault that you are still here, and it’s not your job to get you to Heaven. God is working all this out. You were told that things were being calculated and that when the last calculation is made, you will take the last breath. The scripture you chose for your memorial service relates to all of this. I read to Marguerite. 1st Corinthians Chapter 3 1-23, RSV: Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? 4 For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings? 5 What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making 18
it grow. 7 So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 8 The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. 9 For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building. 10 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. 11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames. 16 Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? 17 If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple. 18 Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: “He catches the wise in their craftiness”; 20 and again, “The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile.” 21 So then, no more boasting about human leaders! All things are yours, 22 whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, 23 and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God. MB: That really helped. Would you read it again? I read her the scripture again as she nodded and cried. I held her close to me with her head lain on my chest. I was reminded of holding a baby; it was tender and very sad. Twice during that time I told her, “You have become my baby.” When I would say that, Marguerite would smile and mime sucking her thumb. Her baby impression brought us much joy. MB: [3 p.m.] I forgot that ‘fresh air’ is one of the components of conscious dying. Water, fresh air, but no food.” 19
MB: [Later.] Who will read scripture––you or Steve? Read it slowly––two times––so people get it.
Friday, February 1 MB: [6.16 a.m.] The scripture is my food. Manna. It is the good stuff. I never realized what manna actually was.
I sent an email to Pat Bradley and Betty Everett, members of our dream group: Pat and Betty, First, thank you for the prayers and love. Second, I am planning, with other people’s help, to create a booklet of the dreams, visions, experiences and funny things that she has said as she is passing. The info from this morning has such Star Seeds’ stuff in it that I wanted to share it with you. I love you both. She is so weak that it is unreal. She looks dead most of the time, then several times a day there are these spurts of profound wisdom and humor. It is becoming sometimes very hard to be with her as she is now starting to suffer. She is not in pain––it is a different kind of suffering. Much of it is interesting, meaningful, loving, sacred and funny at times. Love to both of you. Hope to see you soon. SSS
MB: [3.30 a.m.] When are we going to do Stations of the Cross? SSS: Now.
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The previous night we had conducted the first four Stations of the Cross, now we completed the remaining ten. Each time there was a mention of Jesus’ suffering, Marguerite wept, and asked that I might wait so she too could experience it. She experienced all of it: his pain at carrying the cross, at stumbling, at asking for water and being given vinegar, at having nails pierce his hands and his feet. At every station Marguerite paused and wept a great deal. SSS: You are now suffering in a way like not before and you can feel his suffering. MB: Yes, I never understood the purpose of suffering before. I never understood his suffering and now I do. When we completed the Stations she said, “I am thankful for the Catholics who wrote all that down. I have never read it before or even heard it.” There had been some beautiful passages about the concept of service, which Marguerite had picked up on.
MB: That is what you are, Susan: service. Remember in Connie Kaplan’s work, your sun sign is in “service.” That is the total reason that you incarnated: to serve. SSS: Marguerite, how in the world can you remember my astrological sign in the shape you are in? MB: [Laughing.] What shape? I am in great shape! I still have my mental acuity. MB: [Crying.] Jesus got vinegar and I am getting water. Marguerite wanted her eyes cleaned. She instructed us to use four bowls and follow the careful cleansing routine suggested by her eye doctor. As we performed the cleansing ritual, she laughed at us for doing it correctly. MB: [10.00 a.m.] 21
Conscious dying is not all it’s cracked up to be. [This makes me laugh.] SSS: That will be the name of the booklet that we will write. Instead of giving the booklet a spiritual title we need to make it funny. If you ever need a break from it [conscious dying], we do have morphine. MB: No. SSS: Next time dying, maybe morphine and food. MB: [Smiling.] Maybe. MB: [Later.] What is the date? SSS: February first. MB: Oh My Lord! [She puts her hand over her forehead, a gesture to illustrate how shocked she is to still be alive.] MB: [As I start to leave the room.] I need two Kleenex so that I can clean my nose in private.
Saturday, February 2 MB: [12.00 p.m.] 22
Can I hear Corinthians again? [I read the scripture to her; she stops me to sigh, and cry, and comment, then asks me to read it again. I do.] MB: How could it be that Jesus’ death is in our body? [I try to explain that it’s about her empathy with his suffering.] MB: I never knew before. I never knew the depth of his suffering. It was real. SSS: This will help others. MB: Yes. Tired now. MB: [2.00 p.m.] People will dismiss us as Jesus freaks. That is OK. Let them dismiss us. SSS: Some dismissed Jesus, too. MB: People will dismiss us as Jesus freaks. SSS: He is more central than many people know. MB: Yes, and more central than we knew also. The truth speaks for itself; it needs no explanation. MB: [Later.] We have to be very strong to say “no” to evil. Very strong. I asked Marguerite if there was anything else she wanted to say about evil, but she replied, “Not for now.” MB: [8.04 p.m.]
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I was told to tell you this: in the funeral service before ‘Come Labor On’ and ‘In the Bleak Midwinter,’ the words need to be said before people sing them. At the end there needs to be a joyful organ solo: very uplifting! MB: [8.21 p.m.] This afternoon a man in red pants came. I knew he was evil. I told him “Leave in the name of Christ.” He left. Oh my Lord! Evil never gives up. I had the sense that this had made an enormous impression on her.
Sunday, February 3 MB: [8.00 a.m.] The dizziness is part of the process. No problem. I don’t try to do anything about it. I have no pain; other than being tired I am fine. I am hungry but I don’t want to eat. [10.10 a.m. Marguerite asks for water.] MB: Water is essential for this process. Write it down. [She touches my hair and speaks weakly.] MB: Thank you…it has been fun. [I apply medicated cream to her arm.] MB: I need nothing.
Monday, February 4 MB: [4.20 a.m.] I am getting closer. I am not talking because I have nothing else to say. MB: [8.41 a.m.] 24
Tell Tommy [Marguerite’s husband’s son-in-law] happy birthday. Is Stewart taking him out to lunch? MB: [12.44 p.m.] I saw Ann Smith [my husband’s mother who is in Heaven; she and Marguerite were friends.] She was dressed in white––she was glowing. She did not say any words. I wonder if she is helping me. [She pauses.] I am not in pain, but I am uncomfortable. MB: [Later.] I bet other people don’t understand why I have not already died. [She pauses.] Read something to me. I suggested several excerpts of scripture, and she tells me that they all sound good. I read from John: Chapter 1 first, then Chapter 3. MB: I understand all of it so much better now. I guess I am staying in a body a little longer so I can learn and not be ignorant. SSS: Maybe…or maybe to put stuff in the booklet. We know God is in charge of your process. MB: Do you know anything? I knew Marguerite was asking if I had any news from the world outside her room. I told her about my grandson Desi, how he fed himself and sat up for the first time today. She told me she was tired. I applied cream to her nose and said I would be back before bedtime.
Tuesday, February 5 MB: [12.00 p.m.] I have read the quote by The Mother over hundreds and hundreds of times. Could it somehow be in the service bulletin? SSS: How about a bulletin insert? [She loves the idea that people can take it home.] 25
The pain Marguerite had been experiencing in her shoulder blade was better, save for one small spot. I added more Moleskin to the area. Her nurse suggested that we add sheepskin and we do. I informed the caregiver that months ago Marguerite had a nightmare about becoming caught in her bed sheets. I asked the caregiver to be sure to remove the sheepskin pad if Marguerite became tangled in it. I read more to Marguerite, from the book of John in the Bible. I read: the prayers for the dying out of the Book of Common Prayer; parts from James about the devil, excerpts from Corinthians and John 1.
MB: That’s good stuff I’m eating rather than food. The Bible readings are my food. MB: [In the afternoon.] Three things: Margie [a close friend] and I each have a wire tree with blue jewels on it. Mine is in the bathroom crystal garden. I want it returned to Margie. Also, would you mind if Kay McLeod [another friend] had the picture of The Mother in the living room? And Kay also gave me a small statue that is in the ficus tree in the living room. Please return it to her. MB: [In the evening] These jokes are coming from God. My dad is helping. I did not see Ann last night. Please read my Connie Kaplan chart, and then the Bible. The good stuff. I am concerned that I have so many earth signs in my astrology chart and that is why I cannot leave.
Wednesday, February 6 In the morning, I had a discussion with Marguerite about the water that she was drinking. I told her that I wanted her to have as much as she sought until she passes away, but I also made sure she knew that it might have been prolonging her life. She said she wanted to think about whether or not she would to continue to drink water. I told her I would support her either way. At lunchtime, Marguerite decided not to drink any more water. She reasoned that the process of dying was taking too long; she was tired and ready to go. MB: I saw the Mother of Jesus, dressed in blue. She was huge––like the women in Petra––twelve feet tall and magnificent. 26
The Mother of Jesus did not say a word to Marguerite, but her presence brought great comfort all the same. MB: “There are angels all around all of us all of the time. They are like your Dad, Chuck, said… they are not far away… not even a foot away.” MB: “I saw a sports event in Heaven. It was wonderful and beautiful.” MB: [8.00 p.m.] Clear off everything that smells on the altar. I need roses, but no red ones. They need to smell so I can smell them all night. Door closed from now on; the smell of food is really bothering me. I can hardly see or hear, but I can really smell. No touching, patting, kissing, or holding my hand. Tell Stewart and tell the caregivers. Betty can come back but I won’t talk to her. Fellow dream group member Betty Everett came to visit at nine. Marguerite knew she was in the room. They waved, but made no eye contact and said no words.
Thursday, February 7 SSS: What do you want me to read? MB: [Tenderly.] Anything you do is good. MB: [Later.] I’m having pain. [She grimaces.] My shoulder, my throat, my head. I can stand it, but it’s pretty bad. Marguerite and I discussed medication. Four days before her death, she finally accepted a small amount of pain medication. MB: Scripture is what is lifting me when I become faint-hearted. MB: Why am I still peeing? 27
[I try to explain this to Marguerite.] SSS: [Reading from the Bible.] We will all be changed in the twinkling of an eye. MB: It has been a little more than a twinkle! [She laughs; she wants the end to come.] I read Marguerite a long piece about how real evil is, and how God created it to strengthen us and make us mature. MB: I’m astonished. How will we get people to believe this? [She pauses.] I haven’t ever believed it…also about how much is in the Bible about the body. MB: Today I saw four men in khaki pants who were evil, and one person with two forks––all tempting me. I banished them all with Christ. SSS: I have learned so much about evil going through this with you. Now I can teach it better. That night, as I read scripture, it was as if the words she and I have heard so many times became dynamic and alive; their meaning deepened and quickened. MB: You and I have received a larger dosage. [She is speaking of God and Christ through scripture and her experiences.] SSS: Yes. [Teasing, I refer to one of what we call our “woo woo” books: “The Keys of Enoch,” by J. J. Hurtak.] SSS: “Do you think we should have read the Bible more and Dr. Hurtak less?” MB: Yes, but we weren’t ready for this deeper Bible and deeper Christ. Now we are ready. 28
[We talk again about suffering.] I remembered the dream in which she saw God put a “stamp,” or insignia, on each person as he formed them out of clay. With that encoding, he placed in them the exact suffering they would experience in their lives. He marked them with the specific sufferings that each person needed in order to be able to grow, towards God. MB: People won’t like it! [She pauses.] I am in no pain.
Friday February 8 MB: [6.01 a.m.] I am content. I am not faint-hearted today. I want the closing piece [in her funeral service] to be an organ pierce by Fodor. MB: I have been given a big dose of higher consciousness. You, Susan, have received it, too. MB: Stewart is so happy that you have arranged all of this [the caregivers]. Read anything in the Bible. I just want to hear the beauty of it. MB: Before, we must not have been ready for this bigger dose of God. MB: The caregivers are sweet. MB: I have had to deal with evil. MB: [About the fresh air.] It’s as if I am drinking it! Such joy! It is a Baptism! One of the kind caregivers anointed the flowers with rose oil, and Marguerite’s skin with tea tree oil. 29
MB: I’m a little flower. She made a gesture to show she is enclosed: bracketed, on one side with delicious fresh air, and on the other side with roses. I could tell she was feeding on them, breathing them in. SSS: You can have as much of that [fresh air and roses] as you want. [She breathes deeply, again showing off her clear breathing.] MB: No pain. Content. SSS: May I do anything else for you? MB: Just Be. That morning, Marguerite experienced an attack of evil. The caregiver called me and I rushed over. Marguerite was very disturbed. She thrashed about, threw her covers off and yelled, “Get out of here!” over and over. MB: [Tearful and frightened.] I saw a wonderful scene of children praying. But quickly it turned into evil people tempting me and coming after me. One sat by me with a fork and tried to get me to eat. There were so, so many of them. I told them to leave in the name of Christ. I could tell she felt overwhelmed with the task. She was so weak. I was thinking of calling Judy Krug, a spiritual warrior friend of ours, when Marguerite said, “Call Judy Krug to come.” I felt much relieved when Judy agreed to come over straight away. SSS: [With strength.] Any energy that is not of the Light, leave this room immediately! [I clap my hands.] SSS: In the name of Jesus Christ, depart from this place––go back to the Light. 30
[I encircle her bed with the protective light of Christ and sit next to her.] MB: I heard him call my name. I knew that she meant Jesus. I felt so excited that I jumped in the air and said, “Victory in Christ.” She corrected me quickly for implying that there had been a victory; she wanted me to keep being guarded against evil on her behalf. MB: [Tearfully.] Evil never stops until you are dead. It keeps on and on, and I never knew that. It’s to make us grow up and get strong” [She pauses.] MB: [Stern and definitive.] Don’t stop praying until I enter the pearly gates. Judy Krug arrived to help us deal with the earlier evil attack. Judy covered Marguerite with a cloth emblazoned with words of praise to God. She said, “Evil hates praising God.” On one side of Marguerite, she put a picture of the Lion of Juda (Christ) and an image depicting the saints sending Light and protecting people while taking them to God. Judy retrieved a round stone with a cross in the center. The cross was surrounded by a spiral made of all the names of God. She placed it on the floor next to Marguerite’s bed and said, “If Satan enters this room, he will have to step on this to get to you, and he will dissolve instantly.” Judy and I prayed in Marguerite’s room. This afternoon was very peaceful. I decided we needed to contact hospice care to ensure the medication wasn’t making it easier for Marguerite to experience such disturbing things. Marguerite gave me permission to call hospice. My husband Rick, who is a physician, moved mountains to make it happen. By lunchtime the hospice nurse had arrived. Marguerite’s pulse oximeter reading was 93. The nurse offered Marguerite oxygen, but she refused; he prescribed liquid Valium in case we needed something that would be effective quickly. Even though she’d had no water for forty-eight hours, Marguerite was still able to talk to the hospice nurse and Stewart. Brandon, the hospice nurse, said she still has a lot of life in her. He said he thought she could live for two weeks or more. I was troubled by this news and I’d realized how tired I had become. Not tired of being with Marguerite; I could have continued singing, praying, writing, and just spending time with her with energy. I was tired of thinking, of the decision making that was required of me, of micromanaging her care and caregivers. I had begun to worry about my sleep deprivation; I was concerned that I would make mistakes with her care. 31
That night, Stewart read a poem and some scripture to her. Then he and I sang ‘I See the Light of Christ in You.’ Stewart did not know many of the words so I led. MB: Practice in the kitchen and you will get better. [We feign offense.] MB: I am trying to encourage you Then we sang Happy Birthday––with better harmony––because Stewart said we won’t get to sing it to her on her birthday in September. Marguerite smiled; she seemed well and peaceful. As she had experienced a frightening evil attack that morning, and had not consumed any water for two days, I decided to stay with her that night. Of the twentyseven nights of her dying, I stayed with her eighteen or twenty; I only slept at home on the nights I felt I was not needed.
Saturday, February 9 At around five thirty in the morning, I returned home to have a cup of tea with my husband. At eight, a caregiver called to tell me that Marguerite was disorientated; they said that she was confused and very upset. I rushed to her house where I found Marguerite so confused that, for the first time, I got under her covers and crawled into bed with her. I was extremely careful; she’d been clear that she didn’t want to be touched. Yet I felt this was different somehow; she needed the grounding force of touch. My feeling was right and Marguerite welcomed it. SSS: Tell me what is going on. MB: I’m so, so, so, so confused. She knew something was wrong with her brain. She was checking her symptoms, trying to observe herself to make sense of it. MB: I woke up wondering if I had a stroke. I was reminded of Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD., the neuroscientist who observed herself having a stroke and later wrote about it.
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MB: I checked myself for other stroke symptoms. It is not a stroke. A woman appeared to Marguerite and said she’d help get oriented. The woman walked Marguerite through events, in reverse chronological order. When they got to the point in time where she was attacked by evil, Marguerite stopped her; she did not want to reexperience her terror. Two deceased dogs are with Marguerite. She is first visited by Charity, my black Labrador, and then by her yellow Labrador, Marlo. MB: I exist somewhere. MB: [Later.] Is there a rabbit in the corner of the room? MB: I know there is not a stage in the room, is there? SSS: Not that I can see with my physical eyes, but I am sure you are seeing it where you are. MB: It has an evergreen tree in the middle of it. I spent a while trying to help her get oriented. I explained that she was likely seeing another reality. To help her understand why she’s confused, I told her that her situation is like a car not having enough gas, water, and oil to function properly. SSS: I am so sorry that you are going through this hard stuff. MB: It’s OK, I’ll get through this. I have God and you. I felt a tug at my heart when she said that; her support moved me very much. The hospice recommended giving pain medication and Valium every four hours to help with Marguerite’s confusion. The medication would calm her and help her breathe better. Marguerite agreed to take it; it made her very quiet and she barely spoke for the forty hours that followed. 33
Stewart questioned the medication on account of Marguerite being so quiet. I called Judy Mintz (Marguerite’s niece who runs a hospice program), Theresa Voghphol (the consultant nurse), and the hospice nurse to ensure that we were doing the right thing. Their reply was a unanimous, “Yes.” My physician husband also agreed. I explained to Stewart that without medication her stress is too great.
Sunday, February 10 The previous night, as a caregiver stayed with her, Marguerite experienced two horrific episodes of choking. I rushed over in the early morning and witnessed another. We sought help from the hospice nurse, who suggested that we apply one milliliter of liquid Valium on the inside of each cheek, one minute apart. It really, really helped. I realized I needed more sleep in order to prevent myself from making mistakes; I had allowed the topical Valium cream to run out. We were unable to get the prescription refilled over the weekend and had to resort to using the oral liquid, which Marguerite found deeply unpleasant. Marguerite was much more peaceful that day. As she got weaker, she also became less uncomfortable. As the day progressed, her breathing changed, her color changed, and her consciousness level continued to drop. MB: No flowers…Everything off the altar. I wondered if that was another way for her to detach.
Monday, February 11 Marguerite died at 5.15 p.m.
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Tuesday, February 12 I sent an email to Betty Everett and Pat Bradley, fellow dream group members, at 10:44 a.m.
Star Seeds, About 6 months ago, I had a dream that there were two boats above the water. One boat went away from the other one but they were still totally connected under the water; I could visually see the connection. At the time, my sense was that it was about my relationships with Marguerite, that she was going to die and go away but that we would still be connected. I assumed, perhaps falsely, that the connection would exist but we would not have an opportunity for communication. At least for today, that was not true. I am clear that she communicated with me today. Watson, my dog, also did this right after he died, asking me to pray to the Divine and tell the Divine all of his good qualities. The communication with Watson continued for a little while but then did not. I believe his soul is reincarnated in Stoney (my current dog) because Watson told me after he died that I was not to be too sad because he would be running into my arms before I could believe it. I believe he came back in the form of Stoney. I wonder if Marguerite is asking for my help in this stage of her journey perhaps in between the worlds. I am clear that she is asking something of me. In my heart of hearts, I hope the communication will continue as it did for Cynthia Bourgeault with her lover Rafe. (This was in Cynthia’s book, Love is Stronger than Death.) So for now I will sit and pray this info to Christ, as I did earlier today. SSS
Sunday February 17, 2019 Memorial Service for Marguerite Schneck Burgin Second Presbyterian Church, Little Rock Arkansas
Homily by the Rev. Susan Sims Smith. 35
The scripture from Second Corinthians that Marguerite chose for this service contains repeated references to the spiritual that is both in and beyond everyday life. We are clay jars: humble, easily broken, useful. We are filled with an extraordinary power that belongs to God and is in us, but does not come from us. This inner grace is extended to more people so that others can have their own relationship with God. Paul writes “so that God’s grace, as it extends to more people may increase thanksgiving and glory to God.” The poet Rumi says it in another way: “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” Marguerite’s life did just that. She was a lamp, she was a lifeboat, and she was a ladder to countless people. She helped souls heal and she pointed to Divine love as the source. She knew that God’s Grace was inside her earthly vessel and she knew that it came from the Divine beyond her. In her death, she walked out of her house like a shepherd. Before I describe Marguerite’s virtues––lest you think she was a saint––let me reveal a few unknown facts about her, that illustrate the rich texture of her character. Marguerite was a founding member of the Trump Your Rump bridge club. She was competitive at bridge, sharp as a tack. She was a world-class Scrabble player who delighted in winning; she was silently thrilled when an opponent could not best her. As she was dying, my husband told her she could still beat him at Scrabble twice over. She agreed. She loved opera and would often spend Saturday afternoons listening to it. She adored the pumpernickel bread that her husband made especially for her. She loved Chanel No. 5 perfume. She once drove a red Alfa Romeo convertible. She and I coowned a yellow sailboat which we sailed all over Lake Maumelle. She was a skilled sailor. She adored her very rowdy dog Marlo. Marlo carried Marguerite’s disowned rebellion by jumping on people, tearing up stuff, and stealing food. Marlo was also very sweet. Marguerite thought Marlo’s spirit was perfect in its partially untamed form. Marguerite was not hesitant to correct those she loved. Many of us in the room have received her direct advice. She corrected my grammar: “Susan, that word is not an adverb. Let’s get that straight.” She corrected my posture: “Susan, you have started slumping, it is not becoming.” She corrected me when I fidgeted: “Susan, you are pushing your hair back out of your face too much as you do public speaking. It is distracting from your spiritual teaching.” Her corrections were straightforward, matter of fact. Marguerite intended to help the person she was reprimanding, but it was not always easy to hear. Marlo the dog could steal food, but those of us she loved better not slump or use poor grammar. 36
Marguerite deeply loved her family: her nieces Betsy and Judy, her nephew James, her step-children John and Emily, and a host of other relatives. She was very devoted to her beloved husband Stewart. They lived a full and joyful life that carried a deep and abiding love, a love that was home base for her earthly life. The marriage was her joy and her comfort. I always knew that they had a wonderful marriage, but not until this last month did I see the true depth of the love between them. It was breathtaking, a beautiful thing to behold. Those of us who were blessed by knowing Marguerite are grateful that her good friend Carol Smelly brought her to Little Rock to work at Youth Home. We give thanks for that. Most of us in this room knew Marguerite as spiritual teacher, healer and guide. As Rumi writes, “She was a lamp, a lifeboat and a ladder. She helped souls heal.” In order to help souls heal, Marguerite first devoted a significant portion of her life to her own inner healing. She traveled to other states to work with wise therapists that helped her recover from the early loss of her parents, and other traumas she had experienced. This work was largely done in her forties and fifties, and Marguerite continued with her deep inner work whenever unhealed issues occasionally surfaced. Marguerite suffered from asthma for many years. It was a terrible affliction that, at times, left her gasping for air. Marguerite believed with every cell of her body that the asthma was related to her inner psychological wounds. She believed she could be totally cured if these inner injuries were healed. She embarked on a many, many year journey to allow God, psychotherapy and other practices to completely heal her asthma. Lest any of us minimize this commitment, it took her years, deep courage, radical persistence, and a kind of faith in the Divine that is unimaginable to most people. She was dogged about this inner healing. As I watched her do her inner work––grieve; release old emotions; clean out trauma with psychotherapy, energy work and prayer, and then do it all again four thousand more times––I also witnessed the asthma gradually, completely disappear. I do not mean that it got a little better. I mean that she was totally healed of life-long, lifethreatening asthma. The medicines that kept her alive were gradually put aside. Her inhaler, once a lifeline, was no longer needed. Marguerite believed that God wanted her to breathe freely. She believed that if she totally gave herself to God, and every healing modality, that she would be released from the affliction. And she was. This success was not used to uplift her own ego but rather to encourage hundreds of others to reach to God for help while embarking on deep inner healing. Her mantra would have been: “Do your work! Do your work! Do your work!” Yes, she was released but she wanted others to be released too. She made the life of Christ visible in her mortal 37
flesh in order that others might see that light. Marguerite used her victory over her health issue to be a lamp, a lifeboat, and a ladder to others. Again, lest we make her out as a saint, she did show off her breathing skills to me twice as she was dying. One day, as she became weaker and weaker, with many of her bodily systems shutting down, she said to me proudly, “I spent twenty years gasping for breath. Now listen to me.” She then happily demonstrated how she was able to take several clear, deep breaths. Marguerite was radically focused on spiritual growth and metaphysics. She lived from her deep roots in Scripture and a very personal relationship with Christ. In addition to her grounding in Christ and Scripture, she spread her wings by reading mystical teachings from countless authors. She was passionately curious and joyful at the unorthodox possibilities that still took her closer to God. Marguerite wanted all of her esoteric learning to be combined with traditional Christianity and to be extended to others. She continued to be a lamp, a lifeboat and a ladder to the community in countless ways, combining her fine psychotherapy skills and her teaching to change lives. As most of you know she led a Sunday School class here at Second Presbyterian Church for about ten years. The class read wide and far, dabbling in every esoteric book that Marguerite and the other women in the group thought might help people find a personal connection with the Divine. One of her class participants, Dr. Bob Lehmberg, a well-known local surgeon, gave me permission before he died to share with others his experience of her Sunday School class. He spoke for countless people who found a connection to God though her. Bob told me that he grew up as an atheist and an agnostic. He went through some pretty terrible personal crises later in life. A friend suggested that he attend Marguerite’s class here at Second Presbyterian. He went week after week for years. He told me he never spoke a single word in class; he told me that he was often the only man in the room. He said he felt the atmosphere to be thick with the spirit of the Divine. The belief system that Marguerite and the women discussed was broad. It appealed to him, and over time a mysterious force of love took up residence in his heart. At his death, he knew that there was a Divine. He knew that he was going into the arms of a mystery of love that had been born in him in that classroom, in this church, where he sat––silent and open––in the lamp, the lifeboat, and the ladder that, through Marguerite and the women, God was providing. One night, as Marguerite lay dying, I dreamt: Bob Lehmberg is waiting for Marguerite in Heaven; he is going to show her the infrastructure there. She helped his soul heal; now he is showing her around.
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We give thanks for all the clients, friends, family members, and students that she helped. We give thanks that they were open to God’s light shining through her. She also had an unusual prayer practice that she only told me about during the days of her dying. Each night for many years, she prayed for sixty-eight million homeless people. She told me that as she prayed, she traveled to Syria, Yemen, African villages and places like the Chicago slums to pray for the homeless. She told them, even though it would be hard for them to believe it, that God loves them as much as He loves any person on this Earth. Each night, she told them that their suffering was a type of sacrifice for God’s work; it was not possible to understand it now but that it would be shown to them someday. They would eventually be given all that they needed. This prayer practice went on every single night for years. She told me as she was dying that God showed her that eventually God was going to take care of every homeless person on Earth, and that God would not stop until it was all done. Marguerite’s persistence with overcoming asthma was stunning. She later described God’s persistence in overcoming the suffering of His poor children who are homeless. During her dying days, she had many, many spiritual experiences––too numerous and rich to detail here––that pointed to an incredible heavenly world. A booklet based on some of her experiences will be composed and housed here in the Second Presbyterian library and hopefully beyond. I want to conclude with a preview of the experiences Marguerite had as she lay dying, which pertain to some deepening of Marguerite’s relationship with Christ and the Bible. In the last ten days of Marguerite’s life the Bible became more alive to her than I ever could have imagined. There was an enormous, vibrant energy circulating the room as I read particular scriptures to her. Scripture became her food: she called it her Manna, and she called it the good stuff. “Let’s have the good stuff,” she would say. She meant she wanted me to read to her rich passages from the Bible. She also had numerous experiences with Christ. I will tell you just one now. About ten days before she died, having not eaten for seventeen days and having only had small amounts of water, she asked for water. As I gave it to her in a dropper, she began to cry. She managed to say, “When Christ was dying, he asked for water and they gave him vinegar.” She wept deeply and merged with Christ and his suffering in a profound way. A few days later she asked me to read The Stations of the Cross to her. For those of you who are not familiar with this, it is an ancient collection of prayers and scriptures that walk you through fourteen events from Jesus’ journey on the last day of his life. Marguerite had never attended a service where they were read but she had heard them. It took us two days to read through them. At each point where Jesus suffered, I stopped because she wanted to experience his suffering in her body. She wanted to feel her compassion for him; she wanted him to teach her more about the necessity of suffering for humans. She cried her way through this process. At the end of 39
this she had words of inspiration for some of us. She said: “Jesus is more central than I could have ever known.” Later that night, and knowing I was going to write all this up in a booklet, she said: “When people read all these transforming experiences that I have had with Jesus, they are going to say that you and I have become Jesus freaks. Let them say it. All the Jesus stuff I have seen on the other side and all I have told you is true.” She also said, “Susan, they are not going to like this stuff about suffering.” I asked if she thought that she and I should have read the Bible more these last forty years as opposed to so many metaphysical books. She replied that, “No, we weren’t ready. Now we are ready for a larger dosage of Jesus and the Bible.” In her dying, more was revealed to her; she went through a huge transformation. She was astounded that there was so much more than she ever could have known. In her dying, she dictated much of what she learned so that it could be written down and shared with others. In her dying: She was a lamp, A lifeboat, And a ladder, And she walked out of her house like a shepherd. And, for this wonderful life, for her resurrection to her new life, we give thanks and say: Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah. Let me turn to Thee in a profound and silent contemplation; let me place this integral being and its multiple activities at Thy feet as an offering; let me stop all the play of these forces, unify all these consciousnesses, so that one alone may persist, the one which is able to hear Thy command and understand it; let me plunge again into Thee as in a sovereignly beneficent sea, that which purifies from all ignorance. I feel as if I am exiled from Thy eternal splendor; but I know that in this descent is the possibility of a higher accent which will enable me to span a vaster horizon and draw a little nearer to Thy infinite heavens. Thy light is there, steady and guiding, shining without intermission in the depths of the abyss as in the luminous splendors; and a serene confidence, a calm indifference, a tranquil certitude dwell permanently in my consciousness… I am like a boat which has long enjoyed the delights of the port and, despite the dark, storm-laden clouds which hide the sun, unfurls its sails to launch forth into the great unknown, towards shores unheard of, towards new land. I am Thine, Lord, without any restriction or preference; may Thy will be done in all its rigorous plentitude; all my being adheres to it with a joyous acceptance and a calm serenity. I have no longer any idea about the future: it is Thou who wilt awaken the new conception more closely answering Thy law. In a most perfect surrender and a most entire trust I wait: Thy voice showing me Thy path. 40
––– The Mother (Mirra Alfassa)
Monday, February 18 From Allen Smith: That rarest moment: the unlikely chance that you two, who had prayed and meditated together for thirty plus years, could be together at the passing of the other. And that there was time, as one of you slipped away beyond the veil over a period of time. A time where lucidity, spiritual awareness and cognition were high.
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Further Reading Books Dass, Ram, Walking Each Other Home: Conversations on Loving and Dying, (Louisville: Sounds True, 2018) Gaffeney, Patrick and Rinponche, Sognal, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, (San Francisco: Harper, 2012) Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, On Death and Dying, (New York: Scribner, 2014) Levine, Steven, Meetings at the Edge: Dialogues with the Grieving and the Dying, the Healing and the Healed, (New York: Doubleday, 1989) Lewis, C.S., A Grief Observed, (New York: Harper Collins, 2015) Lewis, C.S., Surprised by Joy: The Shape of My Early Life, (New York: Harper Collins, 2017) Nhất Hạnh, Thích, No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life, (New York: Riverhead, 2003) Thurman, Robert (translator), The Tibetan Book of the Dead, (New York: Bantam, 1994) Audiobooks Chödrön, Pema, Embracing the Unknown: Life Lessons from the Tibetan Book of the Dead, (Louisville: Sounds True, 2019) Online Resources The Living/Dying Project (www.livingdying.org)
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Marguerite’s Compassionate Caregivers Jackie Jones Shirley Grooms-Pettus Carolyn Redmon Contributors Susan Sims Smith, scribe and companion on the journey. Pat Bradley, transcriber. Lili Hamlyn, editor. Assisting Angels Stuart Burgin, beloved spouse and supporter of her unusual journey. Rick Smith Two anonymous donors for the publishing costs Pat Bradley, compiler of all notes Susan Fleming Tad and Judy Krug 43
Chelsea Wakefield Sophia Said
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