Doomsday Department #1 by Daniil Kharms

issue #1

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EDDIE IZZARD DEAN BOWMAN BUMBLEFOOT THE REAL DEAL ABOUT POETRY * TIGER LILLIES * STORIES by DANIIL KHARMS * MANIFESTO ON P***Y and more...

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S N O O T R A Cby Dake Aachen

Richard Kiel

Finally On A Magazine Cover

(yeah, that’s the guy who played “Jaw” in James Bond movies)

To all GN’R fans - finally we have that “Chinese Democracy” question answered!

The summer of 2008

The most bizzare and unpredictable jazz-rock trio from the Alpian Mountains is invading America

Check the tour dates at www.myspace.com/morglbl

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Editors: Daniil Kharms / Skippy Dominguez / Dake Aachen / Tony Papercut Issue contributors: Andy Ewen / Kory Bingaman / Dmitry Gudkov / Joaquim Coelho / David Gans Neil Dorgan / Tim George / Chad Santos/ Amy Lubinsky / Rui M Leal / Jenni B / Chad Batka and Peteâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s brother

Tiger Lillies 6 Manifesto On Pussy 12 Eddie Izzard: The Other Side Of The Story 18 Reviews 23 Stories by Daniil Kharms 26 Bumblefoot 29 Dean Bowman 35 Cartoons by Dake Aachen 40

CONTENTS

The Real Deal About Poetry 50

TIGER LILLIES

Words by Dake Aachen / Photos by Tim George and Dmitry Gudkov Tiger Lillies is a three-piece band from London that has almost davidbowieesque amount of released CDs. Not as diverse in their music as Phish or Mr. Bungle, they play something that can be characterized as “dark cabaret”. If you like music, then you have probably heard (or even been to) their Shockheaded Peter opera, the only breakthrough they had a decade ago and then went back to obscurity. We, at Doomsday Dept, think that Tiger Lillies have a lot more to offer than just one Broadway opera, but at the same time much less then Frank Zappa. Listen to the “Heroin and Cocaine” track from the 1994 album “Births, Marriages And Deaths” and to “Crack of Doom” from “Bad Blood and Blasphemy” of 1999 to get the idea of what to like about the band. Band members: Martyn Jacques [interviewed] - vocals, accordion, piano, guitar, harmonica. Adrian Stout [interviewed] - double bass, musical saw, backing vocals. Adrian Huge [reviewed] - drums and percussion, backing vocals.

Martyn Jacques DOOMSDAY DEPT Did you ever want to do a show in Honolulu? MARTYN JACQUES HO yes I would love to do a show in H, if anyone has it in their power to organize it then we would be thrilled DDD What do you think of Gogol Bordello? JACQUES Hum, I’m terribly sorry but I’ve never heard of them so I have been to a few bordellos in my time. DDD What do you think of Secret Chiefs 3? JACQUES Ho dear I’ve never heard of them either, well this isn’t going very well is it! DDD By this time you should already hate questions about Shockheaded Peter, but still – why did you have to kill all those characters in the opera? JACQUES Well, I thought it was funny, it’s a pretty over the top book and quite a lot of the characters die in the original anyway so thought I should push it that little bit further. In the 1970”s they made a called the correct SHP, it tried to make everybody nice and kind. I just went the other way and made everyone that little more horrible. DDD What do you think will be the next big thing in music? (Say, there was rock’n’roll, heavy metal, grunge, rap, nu-metal etc). What’s going to be the next thing that’d sweep the world? JACQUES Well that’s completely obvious, the Tiger Lillies, no but seriously I haven’t got a clue as you can see of two of the above questions I have absolutely no idea of what is going on

in contemporize music. I think that’s a good thing, which knows, maybe I’m even making music a little bit beyond the realm of fashion. I actually think that this all type of music kind of thing is rather record company/ capitalist inspired. Let’s have a roster of H Metal bands and flog them. I think music should be about trying to make something personal and unique. Unfortunately I am in a minority DDD Martyn, everyone thinks of your lyrics as strange, weird and disturbing. So, did you ever want to write a song about Graham Chapman? If not, do you think you’d like to write one? JACQUES Who’s Graham Chapman, he sound like he might have been a singer in a 60’s psychedelic band but I think you might be referring to some kind of mass murderer. Well I’ve written a few songs about mass murderers. Probably the most well known being Maria on our Bad Blood and Blasphemy album. That one is about Fred West. He used to like slowly torturing to death his victims. It’s got a bit of a satanic feel to it. One of the most beautiful and longest songs I’ve ever written. DDD Don’t you think there’s already enough sorrow in this world and your macabre songs and music just do not cheer people up. Or do you think that if someone feels depressed after listening to your music, then this person is plain stupid and does not get the irony? JACQUES Well, of course there is lot’s of irony in the TLs, there’s also lots of humor. I’ve seen people in our audience laugh to a level of hysteria. So sometimes the macabre nature of some of the songs is rather like a slap in the face to bring people out of this hysteria. I think there’s quite a lot of Freud and Jung in my lyrics. I’m not really bothered if people are depressed after listening to my music. They’re probably depressed anyway. But I do get the feeling that some of the people that are offended by it should perhaps remember things like psycho analysis not to mention black humor and as you say irony DDD You have 21 albums up to this date. You make 8 more and you’ll beat David Bowie’s record. Do you think you’ll ever deplete this world of weird shit, drugs, prostitution, violence and etc? JACQUES Well, I hardly think that I have it in my power to deplete this world of anything. My utter insignificance is obvious but then I suppose that’s quite a healthy attitude to have to life

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DDD How did you come up with the band’s name? Any connection to Lilium lancifolium? You like the flower and did not want to sound too medical? Or did you think, “That’s a nice flower, we like it, but if we adopt the Lilium lancifolium name, then people would go like, Hey, have you heard that new single by Lilium la-shit-something-I-don’t-remember-the-name-so-fuck-it-haveyou-heard-that-new-David-Bowie-record?”? JACQUES You sound like you might be a rather silly person. I didn’t even know that that was the medical name. I think it’s quite a good name don’t you? A bit sort of sexually ambiguous. In our early days. When we were even more unknown than we re now people would hear the CD of the band and expect me to be a woman in tiger skin called Lilly. I suppose vocally that makes me a bit of a drag act DDD Martyn, can you come up right now, right on the spot with a limerick? Or would you say that’s a stupid cliché Americans have about Brits? JACQUES My friend gave me a wonderful book with many obscene limericks in it, unfortunately I so much trouble trying to remember the lyrics of my own songs and have so many overflowing my memory banks that I have no space to remember there (sic!) wonderful disgusting little poems.

DOOMSDAY DEPT REVIEW Well, there you have… Or should we perhaps say, “Their you have it”, because Martyn Jacques, being not only British, but also the band’s frontman, vocalist and songwriter, does not type very well. But who cares, early in his career Martyn’s falsetto was confused with the one of a female, and, you know, chicks don’t write very good. All the great writers were men. But of course there are many “women of letters” in the history; it’s just we can’t remember any right now, on the spot. Except for Eve Ensler, of course. But she’s not a writer. She’s… Well, read the manifesto on page 12. Also, we wish nobody ever called Graham Chapman a 60’s singer, although he definitely did a bit of singing, “He’s a lumberjack, and he’s okay. - He sleeps all night and he works all day.” Confusing Chapman’s name with any mass murderer probably pays more respect to the man, but it’s all about Martyn’s mind drowned deep in the stereotypes of prostitutes, losers, drug addicts, maniac killers, con artists

etc. Pretty shallow. So, hail Martyn Jacques if you want, we won’t. (Just kidding, we like Martyn Jacques. Oh no, we don’t. Oh yes, we do. We don’t care a pin. Oh yes, we do).

Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

Adrian Stout DOOMSDAY DEPT Did you ever want to do a show in Honolulu? ADRIAN STOUT Why not, I think an active volcanic region is the ideal setting for a Tiger Lillies gig. We would play “Crack of Doom” and the island would erupt. DDD What do you think of Gogol Bordello? STOUT They seem like a decent enough rock and roll band, doing it for the kids. Like a 21st century Pogues, combing punk, folk and rock. That performance with Madonna was slightly distasteful and certainly made me respect them just a little less. But at the end of the day it’s all showbiz and they need to get exposure to sell records like every other band.

up. Or do you think that if someone feels depressed after listening to your music, then this person is plain stupid and does not get the irony? STOUT Our songs are more like therapy than conventional music, some people react well to treatment and some spiral into depression. Those ones usually leave the concert during the show and I can’t say I blame them for it. Most people stay, laugh and enjoy themselves. If people feel sad after hearing us then they usually have things in their own lives that they wish to ignore and hearing our songs stirs up the dark waters of their subconscious. Many of our fans work in the care professions, social work, mental health, hospitals etc and they say that our concerts help them cope in a small way with their lives. You have to laugh.

DDD George Carlin (stand-up comedian) used to say that white folks should never play blues, because this music is only for black people. What do you say? STOUT So only white 18th century Europeans can play classical music then? That’s the biggest load of crap, anyone can play any type of music, whether they can play it WELL is another matter entirely. David Thomas of Per Ubu thinks that only Americans can play Rock and Roll, which I find questionable too. Art is theft so we have a duty and a right to steal from any cultural item and create new patterns with it. Nothing is sacred, maybe that’s why blues is so redundant in its present form and rap has superseded it.

DDD What do you think of Secret Chiefs 3? STOUT Never heard of them. DDD By this time you should already hate questions about Shockheaded Peter, but still – why did you have to kill all those characters in the opera? STOUT Naughty children must be punished, that is Nature’s way. We followed the book but just upped the death count. People love to see puppets murdered, there’s no guilt in it. DDD What do you think will be the next big thing in music? (Say, there was rock’n’roll, heavy metal, grunge, rap, nu-metal etc). What’s going to be the next thing that’d sweep the world? STOUT I dread to think what combination will be thrust out next for people to buy. As everything is recycled now it probably be something familiar with something underground, folk-metal maybe. Electro polka. Baroque and Roll. Who cares? Not me. DDD Don’t you think there’s already enough sorrow in this world and your macabre songs and music just do not cheer people Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

DDD We are sure you have something to comment about Alan Wilder’s last Recoil record “Subhuman”? What’s your opinion about that CD? STOUT See my answers above, seems to be the case with “Subhuman”. I liked the sound of the cd, and I have been listing to older Depeche Mode recently and liked that a lot. He seems to be making adult electronic music, and I respect his approach. DDD So do we... You have 21 albums up to this date. You make 8 more and you’ll beat David Bowie’s record. Do you think you’ll ever deplete this world of weird shit, drugs, prostitution, violence and etc? STOUT No (not while there is so much of it in the world) but we have to see if it is something that can provide fresh inspiration. Maybe we will turn away from the dark side of life? Unlikely though.

DDD How did you come up with the band’s name? Any connection to Lilium lancifolium? You like the flower and did not want to sound too medical? Or did you think, “That’s a nice flower, we like it, but if we adopt the Lilium lancifolium name, then people would go like, Hey, have you heard that new single by Lilium la-shit-something-I-don’t-remember-the-nameso-fuck-it-have-you-heard-that-new-David-Bowie-record?”? STOUT It has a violent/beautiful quality to it, both male and female. People used to think we were a female band if they had only heard Martyn singing. Then when we turned up for concerts they would say, “Oh, but you are men?” DOOMSDAY DEPT REVIEW Hands down (perks up), Adrian Stout is the better part (not idiomatically, literally) of Tiger Lillies. Not only is he more informed and erudite, he also has a much better command of English than Martyn Jacques. It’s not that we have the right to expertise, but Adrian plays good bass – and it’s all we really care about.

DDD What’s your favorite beer? (No puns). STOUT Unpasteurized Pilsner Urquel from the barrel.

Adrian Huge Adrian Huge refused to give us interview by silently ignoring our questions (of which there weren’t many). Good for him. We can’t blame Adrian. DOOMSDAY DEPT REVIEW It’s probably the best way have a good and concise review here at Doomsday Dept by not acknowledging the fact of being printed on our pages. All we can say is that Adrian Huge plays drums and is good at it, even when drumming with toy babies. He also has good teeth.

Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

ndy Ewen

artwork by A ake Aachen /

Y S S U P N O O T S MANIFE

words by D

ussy does not fascinate me, alright. This whole thing is damn fucked up, and I feel it is my responsibility to tell this. Pussy has any effect neither on me nor on any other person in the Doomsday Dept editorial staff. The whole pussy thing is fucked up, I am telling you. I am so sick and tired of hearing these laments where people tell their ‘love stories’ that do not mean a thing. Not a damn fucking thing. Don’t get me wrong, pussy is a fine thing. Just like toilet stall when you are trying to take a crap or a leak. When you feel you have eaten too much, and you want to take a shit and the WC pan seems like God’s blessing to you, or when you have had that good amount of beer and it’s just the proper time to go to the rest room and you want to take a piss, well, you just go there and do whatever you feel like you want to do - take that heavy blessed dump or stand up above the pan to have ten minutes of divine peeing in the water. There’s nothing wrong with these things, they are all just a form of catharsis, and that’s a physical occurrence, these two things are just a part of human life, none of them is sacred or holy, none of them is supposed to have a higher meaning to it… Really. But when it comes to pussy (or pussè as the esoteric French mind would call it), the whole thing turns upside down and goes bollixed up. This is wrong. Just wrong. You do not turn defecation into a cult, do you? Can’t name a single nation or civilization, past or present, that would worship shitting. Yet when it comes to human genitalia everyone is out of their mind. - Wow! Wow! A pussy! Oh my God, that’s a real fucking girl! That’s a young girl too, beautiful, and that’s her pussy, tight, wet, with hair trimmed into a neat line so that it does not tickle your nose when you are licking the hell out of that pussy! What the fuck is that? How degraded does a nation have to be to have this cult of genitalia, female genitalia particularly? Fucking is good, there’s no reason to deny this, simply because it really is. Good, healthy, just like any other sane man’s activity. Like jogging now and then if you like doing it. But why going over the edge with it? Why do you

have to push it to the extreme, get absolutely nuts about and obsessive with such a plain thing as pussy? A pussy is a pussy, a hole, if you will, a peehole even. This is not some kind of miracle, nor is it something that’s unique or irreplaceable. You may call it indispensable to life, which may be true, but not for you. Obviously, a man can live without a pussy and it’s only a new human being that can’t be born without it. Now, at this point you may be calling me a fag or may think that I am suffering from erectile dysfunction. I am neither of those and I can always come and kick your ass if don’t believe me - just send a note to mail@doomsdaydept.com, we’ll arrange this. I do enjoy having good sex now and then, regularly or not, just whenever I feel like draining myself of that semen load. But I am not totally crazy about it. I am not against going over edge either. Plunging yourself into insanity, obsession is hilarious, any kind of strong feelings is always a fun thing to do and only a fool would prefer comfort over something strong and steer clear of it. But pussy simply does not have a dimension to it, because all you can do with it is... fuck. What else? I don’t know - lick? But that’s about it, really. May be fun for the first, say, dozen of times, but fucking dumb do you have to be to set your whole life, this incredible, divine thing that you have, spinning around a pussy or the pussy, whatever? You fuck it, then you lick it, then, shit I am at a loss, you fuck it again probably, go in for another round of licking, then you can watch a video with somebody else fucking it, licking it, and then comes the turn of watching pictures of pussy and shots of somebody fucking it and licking, you chat with your partner or a total stranger about how you fuck and lick a pussy and you think, “Oh God, this is totally awesome, licking pussy is great, fucking it is great”, then you can also read books about Tantric sex and

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There are certain things in this life that you take seriously, and then there are some that have very little meaning to it. Now guess on which side is the pussy.

shit, which basically boils down to fucking and licking again only without ejaculating to keep you riding that obsessive sex wave - HOW FUCKING DUMB IS THAT, HUH? Anthony Kiedis and Albert Einstein Take Anthony Kiedis, for example, and his autobiography “Scar Tissue”. The book is full of fucking. Full of fucking. 465 pages of Anthony Kiedis’ sexual escapades spiced with heavy drug addiction. And the guy is a musician. The book is an autobiography, not a collection of tabloid articles. I mean, if you want something to be remembered for and if you are a big time achiever and really talented (which is true for the RHCP’s frontman), wouldn’t you want to put something different in focus of the book about you? Dwell more on how you made it through, how you developed the talent, hell, put something more meaningful than countless reminiscences of abundant coition. Great music, incredible singing, millions of records sold, people all over the world enjoy Red Hot Chili Pepper’s work, feel this emotional sharing and how uplifting

the music is. And all Anthony Kiedis does in the book is describe drugs and fucking. It’s fine to mention your private life and drugs are a personal choice, but to build the whole book out of such poor material... Can you imagine Einstein writing a book in the same vein? “It was around the time I published my work titled “The Development of Our Views on the Composition and Essence of Radiation”, when I met Ethel. There was a lot of kissing and touching, and I felt she was the right woman for me. Ethel refused to fuck with me at first. But we fucked later.” “Marcel Grossmann, that dear friend of mine, introduced me to the Riemannian geometry, which made my theory of relativity possible. One day me and Marcel took part in a scientific conference in Zurich, and it was there that I met Martha. A young and very loving physicist, she was talented, I could not resist the temptation. I invited her to my hotel room, where I wanted to read to her excerpts from my theory of stimulated emission, a work that was yet to be published. Halfway into the reading, I decided to take a shower. So I grabbed Martha by her beautiful hand and brought her into the shower room. I got undressed and told Martha to watch me take a shower. By the way her lips were half-open and her heavy breath I could tell she was aroused. I stepped out and immersed my dick into her, she was wet and tender. I was in love. We fucked for ten hours straight, and occasionally she would scream out random theses from my pervious scientific papers. Needless to say this kept me rockhard...” No, Einstein would never do this. But if you look at the 3,500 pages of his private correspondence that’s been disclosed in 2006, you’ll know that Mr. Theory of Relativity had no smaller amount of affairs than Mr. Dream of Californication. There are certain things in this life that you take seriously, and then there are some that have very little meaning to it. Now guess on which side is the pussy. A Guy on the Other Side of Manifesto on Pussy Yet, none of the things said is to mean that one should abstain from pussy. No. There was one guy I knew, a typical weirdo, a nerd probably, who had those thoughts of UFOs with ideas that by no means were a cliché. “I never jerk off!” he said. And it was definitely a good thing to say, because at this moment he spread his hand out and wanted me to shake it. We all know that men jerk off, but you do not want to shake that hand, that occasional pussy-substitute, a handy one, indeed. That’s why I am always friendly with left-handers.

“You see, because of the aliens”. “Huh, what aliens? Like the ones in the movie? The Alien aliens?” “No, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha. Grrr, this is dumb, ha-ha, ha-ha,” he said. “No, those were Hollywood aliens. I am talking about the real aliens. Guys from outer space, clever creatures who suck energy from us - Earth people. They don’t want to eat us, nor do they care about making experiments on us. None of that staff. What they need is our sexual energy, because they thrive upon this and I have to tell you, they’ve been doing really good for the last half a century or so. I kid you not! They suck the energy that’s released from both a man and a woman every time they engage in a coition. Any human being involuntarily releases energy every time it fucks or at least jerks off. Have you ever noticed that? If you have been jerking too much, have you then felt somewhat meeker or weaker? Like you want to do something but you feel you’d rather not do it, because you feel sort of too weak and you want to go to sleep, but once you lie down on a bed you can’t get sleep and do not want to get back up at the same time. You ever noticed that? Been in the situation? I’m sure you have. You know why this happens? Because you release the energy, you start lacking it, you drain the basin and the staff goes right up and away, through the skies and into the outer space. There are big ugly alien monsters floating, feeding on it, getting high and stronger at the same time, not wasted. There are hundreds of them, even thousands maybe. They can control us telepathically and what they do is they make us believe that pussy is important for us. They want to get as many people as they can into fucking, licking, jerking, engaging in any sexual activity, because it’s all pure energy product for them. I am telling you. I know this. I had a vision once when I was jerking off. It was a revelation. I saw a gigantic, the size of the Chrysler building, monster, almost of the same shape, gaunt as a worm and as ugly, but even more disgusting and with a conscious mind. It was floating around the Earth, noiseless, with its other breed-mates and it was consuming that energy, it loved it, it blew its mind and things. Part of the energy, only a tiny bit, an imperceptible particle was my piece of energy, the energy that I threw mindlessly away by giving myself a quick two-minute indulgence.” Yeah, the guy was incredible, and an over the edge schizophrenic too. “I am never ever going to jerk off again,” he said. “We need to start a campaign not only against masturbation, but also against this whole ridiculous pussy thing that’s going on. Let those outer space beasts devour themselves, let them die, get up, wake up, be against pussy!” That’s extreme, no one wants to be like this weirdo, no one would ever seem to like him either. Two Chicks Kissing Yawn... Labiaplasty

Well, and that guy struck me right away by saying “I never jerk off” straight into my face, with no introduction or anything.

For those of you who may not know this, labiaplasty is a surgical procedure that reduces the size of one or both sets of labia. Statistics show that in the past five years the demand for cosmetic genitoplasty has been on the constant increase; the number of labiaplasty procedures performed has doubled during this period.

“Why?” I asked.

The average price for labiaplasty ranges from $4,500 to Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

$5,500. Of course, you can never quote the top price as it always depends on how fat your wallet is, but... ISN’T THAT JUST FUCKING STUPID? Unless you are a porn actress, of course, because if you are, then... Porn Actresses ...do not call yourself an actress. Marilyn Monroe was an actress; a chick that sucks dicks and does facials for money is not an actress. She is a whore. Putting a couple of movie cameras and cameramen on the scene does not turn a whore into an actress. Don’t you think this is obvious? “Hey, do not call me movie a whore, I am a sex actress!” “Alright, what do you do as a actress? You play?” “Well... I play, I certainly do...” “What do you mean by saying ‘I play’? Does this stand for faking that you enjoy spreading semen all over your face and breasts and that you give out loud moans as if in passion? Is that what you call acting?” “You don’t understand. There’s more to it.” “But of course, there’s more to it... One day you are going to shift from cum swallowing to playing Penelope in the eponymous movie. Just like Lindsay Lohan is going to conduct the London Symphony Orchestra in Carnegie Hall.” Proponents of Marriage, Family Life and ChildBirth

these wet slurping sounds makes them think they are real men, talented, big time winners, it makes them say, “Oh God, this is marvelous!” or, “exquisitely wonderful,” or even, fuck it, “I love you!” Feels like magic for these people, but it’s not. A pussy is a pussy, it does not do magic tricks. And if you’d like to know, there are other substances that give you stronger feelings. Even a good cup of poppy tea will deliver you a five times greater pleasure than you can get from pussy. So, what’s so special about pussy? Nothing. Two Chicks Kissing on the Second Thought Yaaaawn... Big Dicks, Small Dicks What’s the point of having a big dick or thinking that you have a big dick or having a chick say, “God, I love your big dick...”? What good does it give to you, except for fake satisfaction that does not even last long? Think about this. If you want to have a good, healthy and longlasting relationship (not sure why you want to do this, unless you are a chick, but still), do you really think that the size of the dick is going to be the key point that’ll save you from a breakup, sort of an insurance? No, really, forget all these bullshit magazine articles or TV shows or whatever you have as the source of information. Think about this seriously. A couple of years into a relationship, and you are not even fucking, it just wanes off. Dick size. In fact, anything bigger than a pimple is going to suit both of you. And if you are not in a relationship, how are you going to use your dick to dig girls, if that’s what you are intending to do? Are you just going to just walk around and swing your semi-hard penis at cute chicks, “Hey, look at the size, baby. Say, you want to have a coffee with me this evening?”

We all know that once you are in a family life, there’s a 99% chance that you are dead as a personality. But no one is to criticize you for that. It’s your personal choice , who am I to say that this is wrong? After all, some of us shoot heroin, write poems, become a goofball president or get a family life, we all need to find that sort of pastime we can fill our empty lives with. But what of special interest here is that it’s exactly those people who are determined to have children use pussy for its prime objective. Which is amusing, because to give birth you need either to have a pussy or to find a way to shoot a load of semen into pussy. There’s really no other way at the moment to get yourself a urine smelling, crying and high-pitch screaming creature of indefinite sex that you’d want to show to other people and say in a proud voice, “Look how cute he/she is!”

If you need to worry about the size, then do this to your wallet. Think of how fat your wallet is, and try to make it fatter. This will always make you feel better.

But other people who use pussy for a different non-child-birth reason (which basically boils down to licking it, fucking it) are actually the biggest pussy consumers in the world, the most obsessive minds. They have no idea why they are doing this, they can’t conceive why a commercial with hot girls makes that new product so attractive etc. All they want to do is fuck pussy and think they are great. Seducing a girl makes them feel they are achievers, shoving their dick into the tight pussy of a young, beautiful and fresh girl and making

And people picked the theory, it appealed to them so much, because it had one notion - fucking. Anything that happens in this world is because of the desire to fuck, wow! That’s truly ingenious, what a brilliant idea! Boys want to fuck their moms, girls want to suck their dads, how could we have not noticed this earlier? Great!

Subliminal Freudians Sigmund Freud was a heavy tobacco smoker and at some point a cocaine addict. When he was in the process of developing his classic theory of erotic energy and sublimation, his brain was in a permanent dope haze. Many days of snorting, smoking and living in Austria, sitting in his gloomy study and being able to entertain himself only with occasional visits to a mental asylum to deal with all sorts psychopaths and snapped minds, Freud says to himself: “Fucking is the only reason for any social activity. Especially for anything, that’s creative, like art or literature.”

Don’t you see how phony this all is? The whole libido theory felt so new. Now, almost a century later the world is still facing the same pussy-problems. People do not know what to do with this, except to be obsessed with it. If Freudian theory was of any

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front of the vulva where the labia minora meet. The area between the labia minora is called the vulval vestibule, and it contains the vaginal and urethral openings. The meatus is located below the clitoris and just in front of the vagina. The introitus is located at the bottom of the vulval vestibule, towards the perineum. The introitus is sometimes partly covered by a membrane called the hymen. If a woman has this membrane, then she is either utterly ugly, unsociable or has never been banged properly.

use, then it was to let us understand the following: If you want to draw mass audience to something, put a pussy in it...

Naked Came the Stranger ...just like a group of writers did back in 1969 with their hoax novel titled “Naked Came the Stranger”. Mike McGrady, a newspaper columnist came up with the idea of the book, because he felt that the society has become so sex-worshipping that any work without artistic or any value at all could succeed, provided that there was enough pussy in it. In great disgust with the society, McGrady recruited a team of 24 writers and together they produced the novel, sexually explicit, vacant of any idea and extremely poorly written. It was about a housewife who became angry at her unfaithful husband and started having sex with every married man in her neighborhood. “Naked Came the Stranger” turned out to be wildly successful, hit big sales, ended up spending one week on the New York Times Best Seller list and made Mike McGrady feel guilty and wince in loathing at the same time. The poor guy did not know that in some twenty years rap bands were going to hit big and sell zillions of records with the “Lick Me Where I Fucking Pee” singles as Sam Kinison called them. Is there really nothing better to do than a pussy? Now, here’s what a pussy is, and that’s exactly what it is. A pussy - sometines referred to as vulva, vagina (improperly), snapper (properly, but only when the owner of pussy can flex or squeeze the muscles to increase the potential pleasure of the giver, once the dick is inside) etc - is a collective name for female genitalia, which is turn consist of mons pubis (that Venus mound a woman press against your bulge when horny), labia (majora and minora), clitoris and clitoral hood (sometimes referred to as “the man in the boat”), meatus (peehole), introitus (fuckhole), hymen (should be preserved till eighteen, but rarely is) and perineum (some people lick it just to hear the moan). The soft mound at the front of the vulva is formed by fatty tissue covering the mons pubis, which separates into two folds of skin called labia majora. There is a cleft between labia majora. The perineum is a flat area between the point where lower parts of labia majora meet and the anus. Within labia majora there are two soft folds of skin called labia minora. The clitoris is located at the 16

If this exact collection of membranes, openings and other shit invokes in you feelings of magic or gives subliminal thoughts, then it must be a very sad, unintellectual and shallow life you are having. You are probably one of those who give pussy-owners idea of that they rule the world and make them feel that they are special and let them stage almost insanely self-worshipping and yet incredibly popular shows like... The Vagina Monologues Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Poor Mike McGrady, what’s he doing these days I wonder if he’s still alive... The guy produced a whole book to show the world that all the modern people are pussy-ridden (both sexes). I bet that even in his worst nightmare he couldn’t imagine that a bunch of women talking about their pussies on stage would gather big crowds and be called high art at the same time. The Vagina Monologues, what kind of dumb, shallow chick with overblown ego could have come up with the idea? – Eve Ensler. I wonder how she did this, that’s what I call overcoming the writer’s block, smashing it into smithereens! Imagine her musing one day, “Hmm, I can’t seem to express myself and earn money... Maybe I should write a play... What can it be about? A dick? Nooo, not about a dick, that’s stupid!” looks around, pondering, as if lost in thought but with blank eyes, “About a pencil? About a sheet of paper? A table? A chair?” her eyes lay a mirror, “Nipples? No, that’s not it. Who’d like to see a show about nipples, that’s ridiculous... Plus I am on my period today, can’t think of anything else but the pain in my stomach and... the pussy. Wait a minute, that’s it. A pussy! I’m going to write about a pussy! Oh my God, this is so brilliant. I bet Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams and Eugene O’Neil would have never come up with something as ingenious as writing about a pussy! I am going to hit big! I love me! But I am still on my period, don’t feel like writing at all... Well, I’ll put a couple of words on how bad it is to have menstrual pains and will let other women speak on the same topic. There it is, my show, almost ready. I’ll be on Broadway!” And she was on Broadway and went large, traveling around the world. I might suggest that she should have undergone that operation the women were treated with in... The Victorian Times ...when there was female circumcision introduced. During this operation clitoris was surgically removed (cut the fuck off) so that as a result women would never feel orgasm or anywhere intense sexual pleasure and would have used their genitalia only for the purpose of child-birth if that was what they wanted to do. But this is shallow Why? Because it’s just stupid to either worship pussy or mutilate it to rid the person of sexual tension (which, by the way, is another stupid term invented by horny and shy science nerds). No reason to go that extreme about a plain pussy. Going over the edge is good. It’s just that pussy does not have dimension to it. Nor can a plain pussy fuck justify everything that accompanies it. Manifesto on Pussy Fuck pussy. And go figure yourself what this means for your life.

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Eddie Izzard

artwork by Kory Bingaman

N I E K O L “B RESS” AD

The Other Side Of The Story

as told by Pete’s brother

first met Eddie when we were both at prep schools in Eastbourne, him at St. Bede’s and me at Chelmsford Hall. We ended up at the same local public school, Eastbourne College, where our shared sense of the absurd led us to be friends and to write comedy together. I left in 1978 after “O” levels, Eddie stayed on, did his “A” levels and then went off to university in Sheffield. The next time I heard from him was about 1981/82, when I was living in the south of France; he contacted my elder brother Paul to ask if I would be interested in writing some sketches with him and taking them to the Edinburgh Festival - I had to say no, I was barely surviving in France and certainly didn’t have the money to go and have a laugh in Scotland. I returned to England in 1983, but didn’t contact Eddie again until spring 1988. I just got in touch to see what he was up to. We met up, had a drink, and he told me about his street performing and about how he was trying to break into stand-up. At that time my younger brother Pete was about to finish a two year business studies course, and soon after my meeting with Eddie, Pete and he met for the first time. Eddie said he would be performing an unpaid try-out spot at a local club called The Bearcat in Twickenham soon after, so Pete went along to see him - Pete had never been to a comedy club before, but he loved it. He was about to gain his business diploma, and had lots of energy, but nowhere to direct it. He very quickly decided that he would like to run his own comedy club and asked Eddie if he would be resident compère. Eddie agreed and in October 1988 The Screaming Blue Murder Cabaret club opened its doors for the first time in an upstairs room in the Rose and Crown in Hampton Wick, Surrey. In those days Eddie was doing a routine that started, “My uncle served in Vietnam, he was a waiter” (Jack Dee later told him to personalize it, “I served in Vietnam” was already funnier than “my uncle”). Eddie used this material very successfully on the first night, but one week later, when he tried to do the same routine again, he was met with cries of “you did that last week”, which left him somewhat stumped - the free-form improvisation that came to characterize his act was still a long way off. It got to the point where week in, week out, Eddie would walk onto the stage, say very little, and then introduce the first act. Pete always believed in Eddie, but felt, as he said to me at the time, “I could do what he’s doing at the moment - “Good evening ladies and gentlemen, err.... please welcome Jo Brand”; and so one evening he took Eddie to one side and told him to go away for a couple of weeks and think about it, to write some new stuff, just to get his head together. Eddie did, he

went to the Lake District, and when he came back he had already begun to turn a corner. It was during those early days that I had a joke I thought Eddie might be able to use - seeing as we’d written together before the idea wasn’t as absurd then as it might seem now - but Eddie said no, because, and I quote, “one day I’m going to make it, and when I do I want to be able to say I did it all on my own”. Of course that should have set off some alarm bells, but it didn’t, not till much later... The success of the original Wednesday night at the Rose and Crown led to Pete opening there on Friday nights too. He also opened a club at the Leather Bottle in South Wimbledon on Sundays and at the White Lion in Streatham on Mondays. In other words Eddie had the luxury of doing at least four gigs a week, with the added benefit of knowing that he could try out new stuff as much as he wanted, it didn’t matter if he died on his arse, there was no club promoter in the background he needed to impress to try and get a booking. Pete was behind him all the way, he would be back again next week no matter what. This point is hugely important and cannot be emphasized enough - a promoter who didn’t care if his resident compère was funny or not was. And Pete gave him the time and space he needed to develop regardless of immediate success or failure. (He would later do the same for Dominic Holland.) Pete gave Eddie the most valuable thing he needed at that time, something no one else was giving him - a stage. It was during this period that Eddie had his first experience of television. He did a show fronted by Arthur Smith called “First Exposure”, recorded in a theatre in Stratford, East London. Eddie died a death, but by the magic of TV the laughs had been miraculously restored by the time of transmission. He was particularly pissed off that night because his brother Mark had come along to watch. However, his second brush with television was to be a different story. Throughout 1989 and 1990 Eddie carried on doing the clubs, slowly finding his feet and finding the confidence to run with ideas as they came to him. Any comedian will tell you that experience compering a club is invaluable, because it teaches you to think on your feet, and it gets you used to talking to an audience. Jo Brand’s very stiff and stylized delivery in her early days was all but completely wiped away by a period of compering. By the end of 1990 Eddie had started to get a name for himself, and was more often than not no longer compering the Screaming Blue Murder Friday Night shows, because he was getting regular bookings at other clubs, both in London and around the country. On the back of this he had started touring his one man show to small provincial theatres and art centres by early 1991. Eddie asked Pete to be his agent in late 1989, and then agreed that he should be his manager in 1990, although perhaps “manager” is somewhat misleading. Rather than tell Eddie what to do, when something came up they discussed it and decided jointly. So when Eddie first thought about trying to do his act as a transvestite, he spoke to Pete about it. Pete encouraged him to do whatever he felt happiest with, and so Eddie tried it, for the first time, in Leicester. The minute he walked off stage after the gig, Eddie phoned Pete, elated, to say that, although a handful of people had walked out, the vast majority of people just accepted him as he was. (When I used to drive Eddie to some of the out-of-town gigs after the show he would always ask, “How many

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walked out?” - Invariably some always would, not because of his clothes, this was before he started performing as a transvestite, but simply because they didn’t get it. He was always pleased if people had left because, as he put it, “It means I’m not bland”.) I think that at the beginning of their partnership both thought that they would be equal partners across the board, but it soon became clear to Pete that Eddie’s business acumen was somewhat lacking, and so as Eddie got a better hold on his act, Pete took more control of the business. Because of this, Screaming Blue Murder were thought of as being Pete’s clubs and not Eddie’s, and it was maybe because of this that Eddie decided to try opening his own club, Raging Bull. Although Pete offered advice, Eddie didn’t want him to be involved. He wanted his club to be just that, “his”. The result was disastrous. Eddie opened at the Boulevard Theatre in Soho, knowing full well that even if he sold every single seat in the place he would still barely break even, and the place was rarely even half full. The move to the Shaw Theatre was even worse, a comedy show at midnight in a 400 seater theatre with no atmosphere on the Euston Road - as Pete now says, “arrogance overcame reason”. This story is, I believe, more important than it might at first seem. As time went on, it appeared that Eddie’s idea of good business was simply to throw money at something until it worked. Or even if it didn’t. At the time Eddie was seeing a woman we shall call Jane (not her real name). Jane was a would-be singer who fronted a band which shall also remain nameless. Although not a bad singer, she had no charisma, no star quality, and no real talent as a songwriter. Rather than go their own way, the band listened to what other indie bands were doing in an attempt to ride that wave with them, but of course as soon as they latched on to a new style or idea, the wave had already gone. Jane wasn’t shy about asking Eddie for help buying equipment, and he bought the band anything and everything they needed, believing that if he threw enough money their way, eventually they, and more importantly Jane, would make it. In early 1991 Stephen Fry and Channel 4 were putting together the Aids benefit Hysteria 3 for the London Palladium. Comedian Mark 20

“When Eddie did this I had r o known him f I . over 18 years w still don’t kno . ” why he did it Thomas’s future wife, Jenny, was a researcher and a big fan of Eddie, and she recommended him to her producer. Her producer loved him, and he was invited to be a part of the show. This event was televised, and it was this, more than anything else, that was Eddie’s really big break. Sharing the bill with Stephen Fry were Ben Elton, Julian Clary, Jools Holland, Tony Slattery - Eddie did ten minutes and stole the show. Although he had a small cult following on the comedy circuit, he was unknown to the majority of other acts, TV executives, and most of the audience. They all loved him. When the programme was aired on Channel 4 later in the year, Eddie was seen by an enormous audience all over the country, and this time there was no need to dub on the laughter. Afterwards, riding on the back of this success, Pete booked Eddie out across the country. At the Edinburgh Festival he was nominated for the Perrier Award, and at the end of the year he won a Time Out award. His journey on the road to fame had started in earnest. In 1992 Pete and Eddie formed a company together, called H+I Management (Harris and Izzard). Originally the “offices” of H+I were at the house Pete and I shared in Surbiton, but in early summer they moved to premises in Covent Garden. H+I was formed because both Eddie and Pete wanted to be involved with a management company of real quality. To be with H+I was to be a sign of being someone special. H+I represented Eddie himself, John Hegley, Dominic Holland, Steve Furst (aka Lenny Beige) and, for a short time, the Reduced Shakespeare Company. In Edinburgh at the Festival in 1993 Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

John Hegley sold out and Dominic Holland won the Perrier Award for the Best Newcomer, with Steve Furst and his show “The Gary Glitter Story” breaking even, no mean feat for a play at the Festival. H+I was doing well. As Eddie had made a conscious decision not to perform stand-up on TV, they decided to make a video. Neither Pete nor Eddie had any experience in negotiating with prospective companies vying for the video rights, but as Eddie said at the time, “we’ll learn together as we go” - which led to them both saying “no” to every offer laid before them, and laughing incredulously as each offer was subsequently increased, until finally they came to an agreement with Polygram. This “learn together as we go” idea is again an important point. This was very much a partnership, both supporting the other as new challenges arose, Eddie as a stand-up, and Pete as a businessman. Pete had booked the Ambassadors Theatre for the month of February 1993, and this was the show they would film. Little did they know, when the doors opened on Monday, February 1st, that the show would be such a huge success that the run would need to be extended twice, finally closing at the end of April. Pete produced the Ambassadors run singlehanded, a show that was nominated for a prestigious Olivier Award for Outstanding Achievement. (As for the video, it did very well too - Pete can be seen at the very beginning, knocking on Eddie’s dressing room door, giving him “5 minutes”). At the end of the year I went to the LWT British Comedy Awards with Eddie, to watch him pick up his award for Best Stand-Up Comedian, (we had been told in advance he was the winner). All in all, 1993 had been another triumphant year. At H+I Pete was looking after the business, and he was refusing to let Eddie throw any more company money at Jane and the band, telling him that he could do what he wanted with his own money, but he couldn’t fritter away company profits. Suddenly Jane’s money-well looked like it might be drying up. Also Pete decided that hiring a car for Eddie to drive every time he had an out-of-town gig was a needless extravagance, instead, why not buy Eddie his own car with company money? Eddie agreed, and everything was fine until one day Eddie walked into the office saying he needed to hire a car for that evening’s gig. When Pete asked him why he wasn’t using his own car he replied “Jane needs it”. In the end Eddie used his own car - whether he hired

photo by Neil Dorgan another one for Jane or not I don’t know. After the success at the Ambassadors they decided to do another West End run. The Albery Theatre was just next door to the office, and free in February 1994. Everything was going fine, the theatre was booked, until one day Eddie took exception to the fact that Pete would be earning twice from the show: first his percentage as Eddie’s agent and second his percentage as the producer. Eddie didn’t like this, because he felt Pete was “earning too much”. Pete pointed out that he was earning twice because he was doing two jobs - somebody else could be brought in to produce the show, but why? - anybody else would need to be paid the same, and having the same person as agent and producer ensured that no deals could be done behind Eddie’s back (i.e. falsifying receipts so that the “star” gets less in his percentage). Eddie’s concerns certainly don’t appear rational, but maybe by now Jane was seeing Pete as a real threat to her ongoing ambition to be famous, and also to the money she thought could help her to achieve that. Perhaps she was poisoning Eddie against Pete. Maybe we’ll never know. On Saturday morning January 29th, 1994, two days before

the opening at the Albery Theatre, Pete had a meeting with Eddie at the office in Covent Garden. According to Pete, Eddie seemed to be on a high, very chatty and happy. They discussed this and that, watched a pilot of an idea Eddie was working on, then walked round the corner to look over the frontage of the Albery, and generally had a laugh. Then, with the meeting over, as they left, Eddie said, “Oh, and by the way, I don’t want to work with you anymore”. Pete was completely devastated. They had never had a contract between them, nothing Pete could fall back on, the whole thing had been done on trust. Eddie was to earn a fortune from the Albery show, and yet when he left the H+I offices he took everything with him, including both computers, though he knew he was leaving Pete in the shit. However, two days after Eddie dumped him, Pete still stood in the foyer of the Albery Theatre as the show’s producer, welcoming people to the first night, many of whom he had invited personally. The show was sold out, but there was a row of seats, right at the front, that was empty. The row where Pete’s friends and family would have been. When Eddie did this I had known him for over 18 years. I still don’t know why he did it. Of course show business is littered with people becoming stars and then moving on from their Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

original managers or agents. It can be difficult for the people involved but, nonetheless, understandable. What I can’t understand is why Eddie seemed to take so much pleasure in it. He could have said, “Sorry, but I need to move on, in a month or two months or six months”. He could have thanked him for his help. He could have softened the blow. But instead he seemed to revel in it. Pete had just signed a six month deal on a flat in Soho, so that he could work late if he needed to instead of having to make the last train back to Surbiton. Now he was stuck up there in a flat he didn’t want and couldn’t afford, and unable to get out. Also at this time he was already looking to put on another West End show that he had taken to the Edinburgh Festival in 1993, “The Gary Glitter Story” - the theatre involved were hassling him to sign for the hire, but he didn’t have the signature for the money from the sponsors, though the sponsors had assured him that they were definitely on board. So, afraid of losing the theatre, he signed for the hire, and then the sponsors pulled out. Pete had to plough all his own savings into the show, and the show flopped. Within a few months of Eddie firing him Pete had lost everything. He could have filed for bankruptcy, but he didn’t. It took time but he paid off every last penny, helped by various comedians such as Jo Brand, Lee Evans, Lee Hurst, Harry Hill, Alan Davies and 21

I have never spoken to Eddie since, although Pete ran into him in the street in Edinburgh at the Festival in 2001, and they went and had lunch together. When I heard I asked Pete what he’d said. “About what?” “About the way he treated you”. “I didn’t even ask him, he did what he did, he has to live with it”. Which brings me back to the Telegraph article. “There are two lines that will do me on my spirituality” - Izzard says. “Do unto others as you would have done unto you, and what goes around comes around”. Well, we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we? But I’m sure you can understand that knowing what I do this makes for nauseating reading. When I contacted Pete about writing this letter, he told me, “Eddie once said to me, ‘Truth doesn’t matter, it’s what people believe to be the truth that matters. Therefore, get what you want people to believe down in print and it will become the truth’. He is playing that game. Good luck to him, you can’t change the real truth and in the end it doesn’t really matter anyway. No one cares.” Well maybe no one does care, but the fact remains that when Pete met Eddie he was a struggling open spot, and when Eddie got rid of him five years later Eddie had the world at his feet. (Pete went on to manage Lee Hurst through his “They Think It’s All Over” days, and the subsequent very successful tours.) Just after Eddie got rid of Pete he did an interview for Vox magazine - the article started like this, “Eddie Izzard has never had an agent, never had a plugger, he books his own tours and talks his own deals”. I was furious. I wrote to them putting them straight and telling them to ask anyone they liked on the comedy circuit for the truth. Of course I never heard anything from them - “Eddie Izzard is great” sells, “Eddie Izzard once had a manager he shat on” doesn’t. I have had similar experiences across the years when I’ve objected to some of the bullshit Eddie comes out with, but with the same response, or rather lack of it. Reading the same dismissive bollocks about this period in his life in the Wikipedia article just made me decide to put pen to paper and write out the truth once and for all. I just want a copy of this to be out in the open, for people to know the truth, so that one day if someone decides to write a 22

photo by Amy Lubinsky

Kevin Day, who, amongst others, performed a show at the Wimbledon Theatre to help raise the money. You have to decide for yourself who was to blame for his downfall. Personally, I blame Eddie - Pete was distraught about losing the partnership, he lost his confidence and his judgment with it.

proper biography of Eddie, they will have this to refer to, because the only three people in the world who know the full story from the inside are Pete, Eddie and me, and Eddie seems to have some difficulty remembering it ever happened. So there you have it, perhaps not the most earth-shattering of stories, but one, for reasons that escape me, Eddie tries to airbrush out of his history. It might be that phrase “one day I’m going to make it, and when I do I want to be able to say I did it all on my own”, or it might just be that he’s ashamed of how he behaved. Either way, how much difference did Pete make to Eddie’s career? Eddie probably would have made it anyway, he always had the talent and the determination, but Pete certainly helped him achieve his goals quicker. But what if Eddie hadn’t had the luxury of doing Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

four gigs a week, completely free to die without any pressure? What if he’d just had to take the route of so many other comics, and do open spot after open spot, struggling to get a booking? Would it have broken his resolve? His style took some time to develop, would he have stuck with it? Who can say, but it is worth remembering this; when Eddie started out, no one other than Pete thought he could ever amount to anything. As Tony Allen, the “Godfather of Alternative Comedy”, said at the time, “Eddie Izzard - great bloke, shit comedian”... it just turns out that he got those two the wrong way round.

REVIEWS

Song Review

John Petrucci (Dream Theater)

Actress Review

photo by Chad Santos

Just listen to the riff that starts at 1:40 is over by 01:52, and tell us it’s not the core melody of the “My Own Summer (Shove it)” track by Deftones from their album “Around the Fur”. Remember that “Around the Fur” was released in 1997. We are not bringing up the question of plagiarism here – music is full of it, everyone is perfectly aware of it. After all, how diverse can one be with only seven basic notes the Nature blessed us with? All we are trying to say is that Dream Theater’s “A Change of Seasons” is a twenty-three minute masterpiece, whereas the Deftones’ track significantly propelled the band on the alternative scene and got the album sell circa 43,000 copies in the first week of release. There are no rights or wrongs. Besides, one of the DDD staff members is a huge fan of Deftones, so... anyway… A-a-ah, yawn… Ok, we definitely like Deftones more than Tiger Lillies. In a way.

photo by Rui M Leal

Band: Dream Theater Album: A Change of Seasons Year: 1995 Song: A Change of Seasons

Stephen Carpenter (Deftones)

Lindsay Lohan Lindsay Lohan won the 2008 Razzie Award for Worst Actress in “I Know Who Killed Me”. Oh, come on, she’s hot, isn’t she? What else do you want? After all the awards she received earlier, giving Razzie to Lindsay is like calling Paris Hilton a whore and saying she’s a bad actress after watching the ball-draining “One Night in Paris” DVD from the beginning to the end, not skipping a second of it (and maybe even watching it multiple times). As French would say, “C’est ridicule!.. C’est bizarre!” And would be perfectly right (the only time in history). 24

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The “What if” Section

photo by David Gans

“Master of puppe pulling the string ts is s...”

Year: 1986 Name: Les Claypool Band of Controversy: Metallica QUESTION What if Les Claypool, who auditioned for Metallica in 1986 after the death of their bass player Cliff Burton, had won the spot? ANSWER Metallica would have to string strangle Claypool deadest dead to put out their 2003 “St. Anger” album.

Year: 1997 Band: Guano Apes Point of Controversy: USA Tour QUESTION What if the German nu metal band Guano Apes went on the USA tour in 1997, right after their debut album “Proud Like a God” was released? (What if Guano Apes had ever toured America?) ANSWER The band would have significantly raised their income and would have done platinum (if not double platinum). It’s a shame that not only such an accomplished European band broke up in 2005, but also that it didn’t skim money-milk off the nu metal wave before it had melted. POINT OF BITTER REGRET Fred Durst would have done a lot worse if Guano Apes had shown up on the USA scene in due time. We know that it’s easy to hate and publicly scold Durst, everyone does it. We couldn’t help doing it too. Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

STORIES by Daniil Kharms

Kalindov

On Phenomena and Existences. No. 1

Kalindov was standing on tiptoe and peering at me straight in the face. I found this unpleasant. I turned aside but Kalindov ran round me and was again peering at me straight in the face. I tried shielding myself from Kalindov with a newspaper. But Kalindov outwitted me: he set my newspaper alight and, when it flared up, I dropped it on the floor and Kalindov again began peering at me straight in the face. Slowly retreating, I repaired behind the cupboard and there, for a few moments, I enjoyed a break from the importunate stares of Kalindov. But my break was not prolonged: Kalindov crawled up to the cupboard on all fours and peered up at me from below. My patience ran out; I screwed up my eyes and booted Kalindov in the face. When I opened my eyes, Kalindov was standing in front of me, his mug bloodied and mouth lacerated, peering at me straight in the face as before.

The artist Michelangelo sits down on a heap of bricks and, propping his head in his hands, begins to think. Suddenly a cockerel walks past and looks at the artist Michelangelo with his round, golden eyes. Looks, but doesn’t blink. At this point, the artist Michelangelo raises his head and sees the cockerel. The cockerel does not lower his gaze, doesn’t blink and doesn’t move his tail. The artist Michelangelo looks down and is aware of something in his eye. The artist Michelangelo rubs his eyes with his hands. And the cockerel isn’t standing there any more, isn’t standing there, but is walking away, walking away behind the shed, behind the shed to the poultry-run, to the poultry-run towards his hens. And the artist Michelangelo gets up from the heap of bricks, shakes the red brick dust from his trousers, throws aside his belt and goes off to his wife. The artist Michelangelo’s wife, by the way, is extremely long, all of two rooms in length. On the way, the artist Michelangelo meets Komarov, grasps him by the hand and shouts: - Look!.. Komarov looks and sees a sphere. - What’s that? - whispers Komarov. And from the sky comes a roar: - It’s a sphere. - What sort of a sphere is it? - whispers Komarov. And from the sky, the roar: - A smooth-surfaced sphere! Komarov and the artist Michelangelo sit down on the grass and they are seated on the grass like mushrooms. They hold each other’s hands and look up at the sky. And in the sky appears the outline

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of a huge spoon. What on earth is that? No one knows. People run about and lock themselves into their houses. They lock their doors and their windows. But will that really help? Much good it does them! It will not help. I remember in 1884 an ordinary comet the size of a steamer appearing in the sky. It was very frightening. But now - a spoon! Some phenomenon for a comet! Lock your windows and doors! Can that really help? You can’t barricade yourself with planks against a celestial phenomenon. Nikolay Ivanovich Stupin lives in our house. He has a theory that everything is smoke. But in my view not everything is smoke. Maybe even there’s no smoke at all. Maybe there’s really nothing. There’s one category only. Or maybe there’s no category at all. It’s hard to say. It is said that a certain celebrated artist scrutinised a cockerel. He scrutinised it and scrutinised it and came to the conclusion that the cockerel did not exist. The artist told his friend this, and his friend just laughed. How, he said, doesn’t it exist, he said, when it’s standing right here and I, he said, am clearly observing it. And the great artist thereupon hung his head and, retaining the same posture in which he stood, sat down on a pile of bricks. That’s all.

On Equilibrium Everyone now knows how dangerous swallowing stones is. A friend of mine even coined the expression “Dan-in-ston”, which means: “It’s dangerous to ingest stones.” And a good thing too. “Dan-in-ston” can be easily remembered and, as required, instantly recalled. He worked, this friend of mine, as a stoker on a steam engine. He travelled either the northern line or to Moscow. He was called Nikolay Ivanovich Serpukhov and he smoked Rocket cigarettes at thirty-five kopecks a packet, and always said that they made him cough less, while those costing five roubles, he says, “always make me choke”. And so Nikolay Ivanovich once chanced to get in to the restaurant in the Yevropeyskaya Hotel. Nikolay Ivanovich sat at a table and at the next table some foreigners were sitting munching apples. At this point Nikolay Ivanovich said to himself: - This is interesting, - said Nikolay Ivanovich. - A man’s life this! Barely had he said this to himself when from out of the blue a Fairy appeared in front of him, saying: - My good man, what do you need? Well, of course, in a restaurant you do get a commotion from which, it may be said, this unknown diminutive lady may have sprung. The foreigners even ceased munching their apples. Nikolay Ivanovich himself rather had the wind up and spoke rather offhandedly, so as to give her the brush-off. - I’m sorry, - he said, - but I don’t really require anything in particular. - You don’t understand, - said the unknown lady, - I, - she said, - am what is called a Fairy. In the merest

jiffy I’ll lay on whatever you fancy. Nikolay Ivanovich happened to notice that a citizen in a grey two-piece was listening intently to their conversation. The maitre d’hotel was rushing through the open doors and behind him some other specimen with a cigarette in his mouth. - Bloody hell! - thought Nikolay Ivanovich. there’s no telling what’s going on. And there was indeed no telling what was going on. The maitre d’hotel was leaping around the tables, the foreigners were rolling up the carpets and generally the devil only knew what! They were all doing whatever they felt like! Nikolay Ivanovich ran out to the street and didn’t even pick up his hat from the custody of the cloakroom; he ran out on to Lassalle Street and said to himself: - Dan-in-ston! It’s dangerous to ingest stones. Nothing like this ever really happens, surely! And arriving home, Nikolay Ivanovich told his wife: - Don’t be alarmed, Yekaterina Petrovna, and don’t get worried. Only there’s no equilibrium in the world. It’s just an error of some kilogram and a half over the universe as a whole, but it’s really a surprising thing, Yekaterina Petrovna, totally surprising! And that’s all.

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artwork by Skinny Gaviar 27

BUMBLEFOOT

photo by Jenni B

BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT

BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT BUMBLEFOOT

BUMBLEFOOT

interviewed by Skippy Dominguez

BUMBLEFOOT

l C, Ron Tha Y N , n ly k o lented From Bro is a very ta t o fo le b u m a.k.a. Bu sician. If yo u m d e h s li p uy and accom ether this g h w g n ri e d are won deserves s, s N’ Rose n u G h it w if you playing al” and see rm o n b A “ estion. listen to erse the qu v re ld u o h s DOOMSDAY DEPT Tell us about your upcoming CD? What is it going to be like? What should we expect from it? BUMBLEFOOT It’s funny, I never know what kind of vibe an album is going to give off until it’s in its final stages. I’ve been letting people hear it now, and they all come back with the same initial reaction, they say it reminds them of the Sex Pistols mixed with Queen. I’m very happy with the album, I really pushed myself in ways I hadn’t before. Spent extra time on trying different amps and mics, and pushed myself vocally to sing in ways I hadn’t before. Guitarwise I think there’s a better balance between melody and crazy technical stuff, and a better guitar tone than I’ve had in the past. DOOMSDAY DEPT What is it like to play in GN’R? Do you feel like, “Hey it’s me Bumblefoot!” or “Hey, I know I’m a hired gun but I like it!”? BUMBLEFOOT I don’t feel like a hired gun because my heart is in it. My time with Guns is becoming “years” now, it includes writing guitar parts and recording, touring all over the world, being part of everything, and being who I am. That doesn’t feel at all like a hired gun. But I know people love to assume the worst, haha, fuck ‘em. DOOMSDAY DEPT Lately we’ve seen pics/videos of you playing Les Pauls - does that mean that the “foot-guitar” era is over?

BUMBLEFOOT Kiss, for their energy. Beatles for their musicality. Eddie Van Halen for the innovative playing. Hendrix for the vibe. Man, so many... but those are the main ones... DOOMSDAY DEPT What kind music have you been listening to lately? BUMBLEFOOT Rough mixes of my album for the last six months. I can’t remember anything before that... usually I’m listening to Motown and old funk, R&B. The Spinners, Earth Wind & Fire, Four Tops, Stevie Wonder, Smokey Robinson, Curtis Mayfield... DOOMSDAY DEPT What was the last live concert you saw from audience? BUMBLEFOOT Just saw UFO, before them was Rob Zombie and Ozzy, Clutch and Coheed & Cambria, My Chemical Romance, Roger Waters... and Hookers N’ Blow. DOOMSDAY DEPT Several months ago there was info at Wikipedia that you were going to make an appearance in one of the Lost episodes. Did you do it or not? BUMBLEFOOT Don’t believe anything you read on the internet. DOOMSDAY DEPT Your favorite movie/book? BUMBLEFOOT Favorite movie - always changes... gonna say “Gummo”. Although every time a Quentin Tarantino film is on, I have to watch it. DOOMSDAY DEPT Tell us about your worst gig experience (if there is one).

BUMBLEFOOT With Guns I play a lot of Gibsons they fit the vibe more than a guitar shaped like a Monty-Python-esque giant foot, ya know? I play the Vigier fretless with Guns, and Parkwood acoustic guitars too. DOOMSDAY DEPT Why do you have a long nail on your thumb? Do you like to pick your nose... that hard? BUMBLEFOOT Oh c’mon man, that’s nasty...! DOOMSDAY DEPT What bands/musicians are/were your biggest influence?

BUMBLEFOOT Too many to tell, haha. There was one show in Toulouse, France in 2002. We had a headlining tour of about two-dozen shows, this was our third show in, and the drummer freaked out, out of nowhere, and said he “couldn’t fight his demons and was quitting music” and was quitting the tour after this show. We were fucked. And the sound system for the venue kept blowing out, starting from 10 seconds into the first song. It was baaaaaaad. The drummer kept screwing up, saying he couldn’t hear the monitors. He started playing the wrong song three

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times in a row and I got pissed, said something about how “these people paid to see us play and we owe them a good show”, they applauded, I was pissed. I kept asking our engineer to turn up the drummer’s monitors, finally he said over the speakers, “I can’t turn him up, that guy has to...” and points to the engineer on the side of the stage. I said jokingly, “ohhhh, so he’s the one...” and pointed to him... Well, we made it through the rest of the show, but it wasn’t easy. The drummer immediately got out of the venue and to a train station before I could get to him. As I’m packing up, the other engineer (not our engineer, but the venue’s engineer that was supposed to be doing our monitors...) comes over to me saying how “it was dicky of me to say that”, and all this shit. I didn’t even know what he was talking about, it turns out he was referring to my pointing him out. I told him it’s usually a light-hearted show with a lot of joking around, and it wasn’t meant to be something mean. He then continued to say that “it was dicky of me to say that.” After all the shit that happened in this gig, and now having no drummer and twenty more shows to do, I was ready to take it out on this asshole and bash his fucking skull into pieces. He was of no help during the show, don’t think he even introduced himself to us, now he’s picking a fight after not being there for us - what the fuck?? I didn’t let that asshole get the best of me, I just packed up, and worked on getting a drummer. DOOMSDAY DEPT Have you ever met Slash in person? Before or after joining GN’R? Was he nice? BUMBLEFOOT We haven’t met, but I’m sure we’ll bump into each other one of these days. DOOMSDAY DEPT What’s your favorite cartoon/ animated movie? BUMBLEFOOT South Park, Simpsons, Family Guy... best stuff on TV. Aqua Teen Hunger Force too, that show is fucked, haha... DOOMSDAY DEPT Do you smoke/drink? BUMBLEFOOT No. You get one body, one brain, ya better take damn good care of them, and be grateful you have whatever health you have. 29

DOOMSDAY DEPT Do you ever get tired of making music? What makes you keep inspired? BUMBLEFOOT There are times I get burnt out, but it’s usually because some asshole is trying to poison progress with drama and negativity. Cut those people out of your life - they’re empty black holes - don’t let them steal your light. DOOMSDAY DEPT What do you think about Van Halen reunion? Was it a good idea or they shouldn’t have done it? BUMBLEFOOT Only Van Halen can answer that. I’m glad to see them out there playing. And if people are enjoying it, then it’s a good thing. DOOMSDAY DEPT “Just got new medication after years of hibernation..” - true story or just a song?

BUMBLEFOOT True story. The Normal album is autobiographical... well, mostly. Songs always have a piece of the writer in them, so I guess everything is sort of autobiographical, whether the events, the philosophy, something... DOOMSDAY DEPT If you weren’t playing music what would you do? BUMBLEFOOT Producing other bands, and helping them achieve their goals. DOOMSDAY DEPT Do you like Monty Python? What’s your favorite sketch/episode? BUMBLEFOOT Love Monty Python!! Hard to pick a favorite... just off the top of my head, ex-parrot, mountaineering expedition, spam, lumberjack, motorcycle grannies, The Holy Grail, Policeman’s Ball, fish dance, funny walks, complaints... haha, so many...

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DOOMSDAY DEPT Michael Jackson or Prince? BUMBLEFOOT Prince. DOOMSDAY DEPT Robert De Niro or Al Pacino? BUMBLEFOOT Both are great, but I gotta give De Niro the edge on this one. Goodfellas, Taxi Driver... yeah. DOOMSDAY DEPT Iron Maiden or Metallica? BUMBLEFOOT I love both, but Iron Maiden was a very big part of my youth, musically. I remember browsing the record store and buying Killers, just taking a chance because I liked the album cover. As soon as I heard it, I had my parents take me right back to the same store and I bought the first album... my cover band played a lot of Maiden, back when I was 14 or 15...

DOOMSDAY DEPT Do you have any pets? BUMBLEFOOT Four crazy cats. DOOMSDAY DEPT Do you believe in UFOs and aliens? Ever seen any? BUMBLEFOOT I thought I saw UFOs two years ago while at the Download Festival in England. Then I realized it was just people throwing piss bottles. DOOMSDAY DEPT Is Chinese Democracy actually happening? When is it gonna be finally released? BUMBLEFOOT We’re currently in negotiations with the label. DOOMSDAY DEPT If you could have one of these superpowers which one would you choose? a) see-through-clothes vision, b) turning any object into a cheeseburger, c) the ability to speak perfect Korean? BUMBLEFOOT A. I can get a cheeseburger if I really want one, and I can learn to speak Korean. A is the only option. Well, getting a cheeseburger, and turning something into a cheeseburger could have two different applications, but I find that 1) most people that I would turn into a cheeseburger already are cheeseburgers, and 2) if a deranged lunatic attacked me with a chainsaw, maybe it would help to turn the chainsaw into a cheeseburger, but probably not, because chainsaws don’t kill people, deranged lunatics with chainsaws kill people. And too many cheeseburgers kill people. So I’m sticking with A. DOOMSDAY DEPT But there’s always a price to pay! To activate your new superpower you have to do one of these things: a) Quit Guns N’ Roses b) Marry Paris Hilton c) Move to Bulgaria BUMBLEFOOT Tough choice. Not A.... can I do both, B and C? Wait, I’m already married. So not B... Bulgaria it is. A nice little bungalow by the Black Sea sounds nice. DOOMSDAY DEPT If you were able to resurrect

photo by Jenni B three dead musicians (who would return in their top shape, not a “Pet Cemetery” type of condition) - who would they be? BUMBLEFOOT hmmmmm.... Tchaikovsky, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison. DOOMSDAY DEPT What’s your advice to the young (or old) guitar players who feel like “Damn... that Bumblefoot guy is so awesome, I wish I could play like him but since I don’t - fuck it... I give up guitar... I will never reach his level, he’s too ingenious...”?

DOOMSDAY DEPT SUM-UP Oh, did you miss the Chinese Democracy question? Read the interview again. Maybe it’s about time people (mostly fans) stopped already fucking with the album fourteen years behind the schedule? It’s released when it’s released, why would you care? Listen to the new Bumblefoot album instead – Abnormal. Review it five out of five stars.

BUMBLEFOOT Music is not a competition!! It’s personal expression, and no two people are the same, and you shouldn’t compare. Be who you are, and give something to this world that only you can give. Doomsday Department Magazine | www.doomsdaydept.com

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ul If you recognize Dean’s fervent voice falls (which is much more beautif the than Niagara Falls) and the immaculate technique of singing only from you “PaRappa the Rapper” Sony PlayStation game, then it is very sad to be way (and you probably live in Japan). The good news is that you are on your to musical literacy. Calling Dean Bowman an accomplished singer is like saying, “Salt is salty” (voiced by Patton Oswalt in “Werewolves and Lollipops”). Listening to His Bowman perform makes a roller coaster ride seem pathetic and boring. in singing (and “singing” is a very shallow word to describe what he does front of the mic) makes you pity you have only two ears and cannot trade you any of your limbs for a multitude of other holes on your body that’d let absorb Bowman’s passionate and ecstatic art. Dean Bowman was once a part of Screaming Headless Torsos and up to our mind was the only true artistic force that brought the band critical recognition. us We can’t help feeling numb before the power of this man’s talent, so let just interview Dean.

DOOMSDAY DEPT Hello Dean. First of all let us tell you that you’re one of our favorite singers. And it’s a great pleasure for us to interview you for our magazine. DEAN BOWMAN Thank you. DDD Please tell us about what are you currently up to? Any concerts or recording these days? BOWMAN Right now I’m in Rome preparing to sing at a friend’s sister’s wedding. I’ll be doing some private teaching, a jazz gig with my dear friend Cinzia Spata (Hi Ludo!). Also visiting with my friend Marie Afonso and her husband in Marseille. Then traveling to Germany and rehearsing with a band I and Armin Alic formed called Little Rock Nine. Then to Amsterdam to work some music with a young guitarist there. In 2008 things get really crazy! Don Byron, John Scofield, Laurent Bardainn’s Albert Ayler project, and my own Vox Populi band project, which I have been recording while I was in NYC.

DDD We know that other than performing with various musicians you also teach. Could you please tell more about these clinics? What are the typical questions you hear from students? BOWMAN My teachers John Paxton and James Mumford gave me a tremendous foundation of gospel music and traditional Black spirituals. I use these song forms to teach. I encourage my own students to be and to define themselves. DDD Your vocal range and technique is way beyond impressive. Some years ago we’ve read somewhere that Mike Patton was called “a man of a 1000 voices” in some magazine. But now that we discovered you - we think you are the one. Are you familiar with any of his projects? What do you think of his singing style? BOWMAN No, I’m not at all familiar with it. But that’s good, in that I have something else to look forward to.

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DDD You’ve performed in many different countries - where was the best/worse audience response? BOWMAN I could never answer that. But I’ll tell you this: when I went to Detroit with Don earlier this month playing the music of Junior Walker, it was as warm an audience as I can recall in a long time. Also had a great response in Romania with my own band. DDD You were probably the best thing that ever happened to Screaming Headless Torsos. Why did you quit? What are your relations with the band members now? BOWMAN I am cool with Fima and Gene. Fuze hires his students now. No one else will work with an egomaniacal asshole who pays shit. He fired me for some bullshit he invented. But that was my fault. I didn’t realize what a loser he is. I should have quit.

DDD Have you ever heard about Secret Chiefs 3? Do you like them? BOWMAN No, but again, one more thing to learn about. There’s so much to know in the world. DDD Back to teaching... Do students ever ask you to show them that “bird-singing” (sorry, don’t know the scientific term for that) that can be heard (and seen) on the live Torsos DVD? BOWMAN No, but I encourage them to be themselves and be true. I use the experience with Fuze to teach that as a singer you have got to be strong. DDD Do you like to play videogames? BOWMAN No. DDD What’s your typical day schedule? (when you’re not touring or recording) BOWMAN That means I’m not working. Usually the gym, then planning my next move. DDD Do you have a family? What’s their attitude to your music? BOWMAN No wife, no kids, but my family is very supportive. DDD What was the most fun project to work on? BOWMAN The Reggie Workman Legacy Orchestra tribute to John Coltrane’s Africa Brass conducted by Charles Tolliver.

DDD Is there any modern rock band you really like? If yes name it.

about d e lk a t I d “Don an nder on o W ie v e t bass, S

BOWMAN Drunken Immortals.

Time for the serious questions... DDD If you were asked to name a “dream team” band - what living musicians would you include in it? (vocals, guitar, bass, drums, keyboard, and anything else. It’s up to you.) BOWMAN WOW! Don and I talked about forming a “dream” band of instrumentalists who sing. You know like, Larry Graham on bass, Stevie Wonder on drums or keys, Paul McCartney on drums or guitar, Prince on anything, etc. But actually the strongest band I ever played with was Don’s band of David Gilmore, Brad Jones, George Colligan, and Rodney Holmes. Scofield’s band was also slammin’ with Gary Versace, Ruben Rodriguez (also John Benitez), and Steve Hass. As for my own dream band, I don’t know, but Chaka Khan would be one of my singers. I’d put myself and Corey Glover as her Pips. DDD Imagine you’re on a zeppelin with Hillary Clinton, Snoop Dogg and Al Pacino. It goes down because of too much weight and you need to get rid of one person to avoid the crash. Who would you throw out? BOWMAN Myself. Two questions on drugs… DDD What’s your attitude to drugs? Do think that there are “dope drugs” and “psychedelics are not drugs, come on”?

BOWMAN A lot of people take drugs. Some are legal, some not. But this is a drug society. DDD Can art be clean of any substance? BOWMAN Sure. Two questions on two other black talents…

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am on

Larry Grah , e k li w o n sing. You k o h w s t s li ything...” n ta a n e n o m e u r c t s in r ” band of in n drums or guitar, P m a e r d “ a forming cCartney o M l u a P , s ey drums or k

DDD What do you think of Ralph Ellison?

DOOMSDAY DEPT REVIEW

BOWMAN The Invisible Man. Great writer. There are many. DDD Do think Richard Pryor would have been as versatile had he been not freebasing?

Just listen to Dean Bowman sing; it will make you a better person. But before you do, make sure you are not a striving singer yourself, trying to break big, because it will put a bitter end to all your hopes. No one will ever sing like Dean, who exhales audio art with every breath he takes.

BOWMAN Without a doubt. Everything in his life would have been better.

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The Real Deal about Poetry T T O

here’s no real or any deal with poetry. It sucks and you all know that. So quit rhyming words goddammit and say whatever you want to say the normal way. The truth is however that everyone can rhyme or rhythm but only a few can utter something meaningful and not range themselves to the topics of broken love or Bush Jr. hatred.

here’s another possibility, however, as we turn our faces to Allen Ginsberg. If you want to be a poet, be a fag (if you are not one yet). Suck someone’s dick, lick it, choke on it, round your lips tight around the fleshy swollen glans and taste the pre-cum and hear the big hairy male moan and gently tousle through the hair on your head. T-bag the testicles and smear the sperm all over your faggety poetic chest. Have that big purple vein dick protrude ou know who was a real into your squeezing anus and poet? – Bukowski. But enjoy the feel of strong male that said, most of what palms on your shoulders while he produced was prose and he the man is fucking you hard and was a sad drunk. So, any of you his balls are slapping against who want to do poetry and be yours. Then get a pen, a piece only average lame (as opposed of paper and try to rhyme about to totally lame lame) should at the pain in your ass and what least start binge drinking and be the semen tastes like. If you do steady at that for the minimum this – well, you can be at least of two years. Then you might as famous Peter Orlovsky who produce some rhyming and devoted his whole life to sucking rhythmic verses and still be a Allen Ginsberg’s dick and writing fucking idiot but with an excuse poetry. to be one. f you combine dick-sucking with heavy psychedelics, then you may come up i everyone, I’ve been with something worth Allen on my permanent Ginsberg’s “Howl”, but this is not inebriation spree for guaranteed, so you better keep the last two years and have that in mind before you do LSD seen crazy things, hallucinated and expose your virgin butt to and gone through all sorts someone else’s woodie. I mean, of physical collapses and if you are serious about poetry, emotional dramas. Here’s what I you should have the courage to can rhyme about that now! “ give blowjobs.

“H

ne more thing you can do to make your poetry sparkle is to start mainlining heroin. Forget about eating, smoking or sniffing the dope – shoot it right up your vein and keep doing that for a year (minimum). And only then write your verses. Jim Carroll did that and even though he was a poet he first gained national attention as a writer. Think about this, go to Tibet, ride a camel, read the bible, dye your shoes blue, grow a beard, circle the world in a paper canoe, subscribe to The Saturday Evening Post, chew on the left side of your mouth only, marry a woman with one leg and shave with a straight razor, and carve your name in her arm, brush your teeth with gasoline, sleep all day and climb trees at night, be a monk and drink buckshot and beer, hold your head under water and play the violin, do a belly dance before pink candles, kill your dog, run for Mayor, live in a barrel, break your head with a hatchet, plant tulips in the rain, but don’t write poetry. Trust Bukowski – that dead fart who always said what he said and meant what he meant and combined those two things.

hat all said, you can also be a hot chick and that’s a huge excuse to write poetry provided that it boils down to the same eternal thing – dick-sucking.

“O

h, yes-yes, honey, your poetry is hot, I love it so, it makes my meat hard as a rock. I just adore the way your milky boobs jiggle, your fresh lips flutter when you are reading your poetry. Please get down on your knees, strip the bra off, let my purple tight glans leave clear lines of the pre-cum on your tender cheeks, ripe breasts, have the drops of my juice glisten on each of your neat and erect little nipples. Put them lips around my cock, don’t stop reading your poetry, it feels so good! Please don’t worry if this makes you mumble, the real verses always find the way to the heart. Don’t stop, sweet poet, I am enjoying your creative side, baby. With that tight ass you have, you are a real genius! “ Anyway, you get the idea.

Dake Aachen 46

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In the next issue: a whole bunch of goofy shit AND a huge fuck-off interview with DOUG STANHOPE if you don’t know who that is - you probably shouldn’t be reading this magazine in the first place

...and on the back as well!