Self(ish) It was my 23rd birthday and Ma had only been gone about 8 months. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I had moved in with Jeanie and we had both just started working at her dad’s organization. We left the office and headed up to our apartment in East Harlem, but when I opened the door David was standing there. He wasn’t supposed to be in New York, he was supposed to be in Boston getting ready for his first semester of grad. But that was an elaborate lie to surprise me. He had with him the letter dated four months earlier noting he had been accepted into the creative writing graduate program at NYU. I remember thinking how much he had to love me to defer his dream school to stay here in this city. It seemed like such a romantic gesture. He convinced me to at least do a little something to celebrate my day, so the three of us walked up the street to Blockbuster and rented my favorite movies, O ctopussy and The Goonies. My brother Teo met us back at the apartment and we all stayed up watching each film, Teo supplying what felt like an endless blunt rotation. Then around 2 a.m. after we had finished eating like 20 gallons of lo mein and spring rolls, Jeanie got what seemed like the best idea in the world; we were going to smoke another blunt and go biking through Times Square. All of us were game, except David didn’t have a bike. Teo told us to sit tight on the corner and he’d be right back. So 30 minutes go by and he comes strolling up with this neon green road bike and walks it up to David, “Here you go brother.”
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We all just gawked at him until Jeanie scoffs, “Did you just jack some poor man’s bicycle?” Teo stared at her a bit annoyed, “Nah Princess. I just came back from the 24hr free bike shop.” Jeanie rolled her eyes and we proceeded to get on the bikes, high as hell. We’re pedaling down to the one station near the place that runs late nights, 110th and Lexington and hop on the train with the cycles, passing time just making jokes and goofing off. Well, me mostly making out with David and Teo and Jeanie trading insults. We finally hop off at the Grand Central stop and carry the bikes up the two flights to the streets that are still dizzy with movement. We all start pedaling west on 42nd. Taxis and cars honking, passing us. We’re flicking off the drivers and laughing. I was swerving like crazy. In my head I was doing advanced tactical maneuvers to escape Kamal Khan himself. That is until a black Lincoln slightly grazed my calf. Then I start thinking like oh shit we’re all going to die, so I ride on the sidewalk for a bit. But then there’s this nasty drunk couple yelling at me to “get off the damn sidewalk” so I veer back into the street. I’m sweating and all that, Teo’s leading the pack with Jeanie and they’re both almost a small block ahead of me and David. David keeps looking back to make sure I’m not dead. I’m yelling at them to wait up cause my short little legs were nearly giving out. And then we finally reach Midtown and we turn up on 7th and I can see all the lights and my best friend and my brother and David looking up at the flashing colors and looking back at me smiling and laughing and for a second it was so clear and so quiet in my head. It was me and 2
the 3 of them floating up Manhattan on a stream of infinite neon. And all I could think was I wish I had brought my disposable camera with me and that those 3, they were all my family. It was that night. It was that... I had spent the whole day just riding the D train uptown, downtown, Brooklyn, uptown, trying to pinpoint the exact reason why I had stayed here in New York for so long. It wasn’t in the original plan. You see I never meant to work for Jeanie’s father. I was going to get into politics be some sort of art activist and change the world doing all that, lobbying for more funding for creative programs and shit, but when Ma passed it didn’t seem like the right time and it hasn’t up until lately. Now I was 26 nearly 27, and the things that I thought I would have done compared to what I’ve actually done have started to wane away the magic I’ve always associated with this place I’ve called home for so long. Even the happiness I have saved inside from being with David, well it wasn’t going to keep me here. I was still swimming in the conversation me and him had started to have last night. We were lying in bed watching The Sixth Sense. It was at the part where the dead girl is vomiting her guts out in the tent when David turned to me and started twisting his hands through my curls. I looked up at him and smiled nervously before I blurted out what I had been keeping to myself all weekend. “I took the job in Chicago,” I turned to him waiting to see how he would react. He laughed and stared straight at the TV screen. “Yeah right, Tristan Reyes leaving New York.” He laughed.
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“I’m serious Davy. I called and told them I was accepting their offer on Friday.” His smile faded quickly as he grabbed the remote to shut the TV off and turned towards me, the green flecks that were his eyes concentrating hard like scanners searching for clues on what to say next. He opened his mouth but hour long seconds passed before he started to speak, “Tris it’s practically Monday. And you’re telling me this now. I thought we decided we were going to talk about this more before you made any type of commitment?” I wriggled out of the covers and reached toward the nightstand and grabbed my glass of water and took two big gulps. “No. That’s what you said. We’ve talked about this for months already. Did you think I was joking about taking a new job or something?” He sunk back into the pillows and sighed. Silence, years of silence until the sound of the passing train rattled in the distance. “..I mean...Did you really think about this Tristan? How’s this going to work. Chicago isn’t a quick drive over on the weekends, what about our apartment. What about-” “David I don’t know but it’s not fair for me to have to wait forever to get my career jump started. You know how much working for the arts & business council means to me. If there were any positions on the board in New York I would’ve taken them, but there won’t be for another year and I don’t want to put this off…We’ll work it out. I, I have a lot of money saved up. I can fly home once a month maybe. We can work it out. Someway.” I tried to lay my head back on his chest but he moved away. I knew he thought I’d betrayed him, we make most decisions together but if we would’ve talked more about this, he
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would’ve convinced me to stay here. I attempted to shift the conversation back to him, you know, make him feel bad for being mad at me. “Look tomorrow you’re flying to Phoenix for that special writer’s conference thing. You’re working on your third chapbook, and I’ve done barely anything. I love you but I can’t be in limbo like this. I’m not gonna be like my ma stuck in the city, too busy taking care of everyone else to do the things I want to do.” I sat back against the headboard. Quiet. David scooted back towards me plain faced. I watched the long wispy blonde strands of his hair swing back and forth in front of his eyes. I reached out and pushed them behind his ears and forced a smile, “I love you and I promise nothing’s going to change. I just have to do something for me you know.” He remained quiet eyes fixated towards the ceiling light. We both just laid there. Neither of us sure of what to do. I didn’t even get up to turn the light off, afraid any movement would start the conversation back up and something would be said that couldn’t be taken back or worse. I closed my eyes and tried really hard to fall asleep to dead the possibility of further discussion. And when I had woken up this morning he was already gone but was kind enough to leave a note on the counter that read “I’ll call you on Tuesday and tell you how my presentation goes. We’ll talk more about Chicago when I get back Wednesday.” But that was the thing. What else could really be said? I knew what was going to happen. One way or the other I was moving to Chicago at the end of the month. At least that’s what I was sure of hours ago when I first got on the subway.
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I decided I had had enough of my thoughts and the train. So I got off a stop early at Kosciuszko and walked the extra six blocks back to the apartment. It was already dark outside by the time I pushed open that stubborn green door. I proceeded with the routine, chain lock, deadbolt, knob lock. I tried to toss the keys onto the coat hooks mounted on the side of the wall. I missed and watched them topple onto the floor, flicked the lights on. Waltzed up to the fridge and grabbed a can of pineapple soda and walked to the bedroom. I sipped casually as I moved in towards the corner near the towers of plastic crates we had assembled as shelves. I thumbed across the bottom crate until I found the Zeppelin mix and stuck it in the stereo and laid down on the floor staring at the ceiling counting the seconds in-between the red flashes from the smoke detector feeling the blue shag carpet curl up around my body. I turned my head towards his desk and caught the glance of his old portfolio bag. It was staring me down. I had been avoiding it for two weeks now, afraid of what lied in between the pleats. That small satin drawstring holding that small pearl ring, his Gram’s ring. David didn’t know I knew. How was he supposed to know that I often sneaked into his folders and bags and read all his work before it was done? If he had ever figured this out he would’ve probably skinned me alive, he was so sensitive about his poems. Most girls would’ve died of happiness knowing their boyfriend of nearly 6 years wanted to get married. But seeing that folder just made me feel guilty that I still wanted to leave. So I decided to ignore that stupid little ring, pretend it was my imagination to make it easier on me
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when I moved away in a few weeks. And to spare David’s feelings a bit, if he knew I knew and still decided to go to Chicago that would crush him. I turned back to the ceiling trying to make the red flashes hypnotize me into a calm, drain my mind of marriage, of David, of Chicago, of everything. It had just begun to work until I heard very frantic knocks at the door. And then I heard her voice ring out. “Damnit Tris if you don’t hurry and answer the door I’m going to pee on your welcome mat,” shouted a 6 months pregnant Jeanie. “Don’t you ever call before you show up to someone’s place?” I yelled as I got up and rushed to the door to let her in. As soon as I unlocked the trillion bolts she pushed passed me straight to the bathroom. In between the streams of pee she kept fussing about things Teo hasn’t done yet for the nursery but I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying. Between the music playing and me trying to figure out the best way to tell her I was leaving in 3 weeks my mind was booked. Jeanie waddled out back into the living room and took a seat on the couch smiling. “Missed you at the office today Trissy” “Yeah, I know I just had a lot of stuff going on today.” “Yeah yeah yeah. Don’t worry about it I covered for you. Anyways guess what? I ordered the crib last night. It is too cute, Brazilian mahogany wood. The best for your little niecey.” “Teo help you pick it out?” “Teo never helps pick anything out, didn’t you hear what I was saying! He was supposed to come with me shopping yesterday then he called me talking about how he got a last minute gig 7
and he had to learn a few songs beforehand and what not so he wasn’t going to come. So I had to take Evelyn with me” Evelyn was her mother, the person Jeanie got her expensive taste and dramatic flair from. “Yeah sounds like Teo.” I added in. “Oooh. Oooh. Oooh. By the way what I really came here to tell you is that my Dad wants me and you to finalize which of the kids from the senior program are going to get to exhibit their work at the fundraiser next month, I’m really feeling that one kid, umm you know the tall one with the blonde afro, the Flatbush kid, what’s his name?” I started to feel uneasy. I forgot about the fundraiser. I forgot about our senior workshop students. “You’re thinking of James Copley...But he’s not from Flatbush that’s the other tall kid Marshal” I must’ve drifted my face away from hers for too long because she caught onto my nervousness. “Trissy what’s up? You’ve been acting weird lately”, Jeanie shifted around on the couch and put her feet up on the coffee table. I got hot. It felt like the 8th grade talent show again, when I forgot the words to Rhythm Nation. I stammered breathing heavy trying to spit it out. It was easier telling David. “I got the job. The one I’ve been talking about in Chicago. I accepted their offer the other day” I didn’t need to look at her face, I could feel Jeanie’s mood turn sour. She pulled a magazine from the table and whacked me on the head.
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“Oww what the fuck Jeans!” I shouted. She got up and started doing that annoying pacing thing she does when she can’t think of what to say. I watched her go back and forth until she stopped right in front of me. “No. Tris I swear to God you better be joking.” “I’m not joking Jeanie. They offered the position to me I tried to ask them if they could wait until April but they needed me to start by the end of the month and I just said yes. I told you that if they offered the position I would take it” “Ye-aah. But you said after the fundraiser. How do you expect me to handle everything by myself the next few months Trissy?! This is all so fucked up” “How is this fucked up? I don’t understand why you and David are getting worked up over this. I told you both about this possibility months ago” “Yeah but you never said you were this dead set on it. You didn’t even have the decency to tie things up over here before you go and accept some other shady job. You don’t even fucking like the cold, but suddenly you’re moving to Chicago. You know what that place is called Trissy? It’s called the Windy City... Just so you know you’re going to die up there. It’s not half as nice as New York even for a girl like you.” She took a long pause. She was thinking carefully of what to say next. I wanted to seize the moment jump in and defend myself but I was interrupted by the passing J train that sent a slight tremor through the walls. Then she started doing the dramatic fake laugh thing she always did when she was in an argument and started to shake her head incessantly.
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“I can’t believe you’re going to leave me all alone.” “Calm down Jeanie, I’m still going to help you and the baby” “How are you going to help me if you aren’t here? I was here for you when your Ma passed. I got my family to help you out with all the funeral arrangements. I let you move in with me!” “That has nothing to do with any of this Jeanie and I paid my half of the rent.” “Yeah with a job my daddy gave you.” “I didn’t want any of that! I didn’t ask you or your family to help me. God knows Evelyn set the whole thing up just because she likes inserting herself into the middle of other people’s drama. It fuels her life source.” “God, I just knew something was up with you. You’ve been fidgety the last few times I’ve mentioned the baby” “Come on Jeanie. I’m not leaving tomorrow, I got three weeks to help you figure stuff out.” “I don’t want you to help me ‘figure stuff out’ I want you to fucking be here and do the stuff you promised to fucking do for me. How does David put up with this? God is your whole family incapable of seeing stuff through? Or do you all get your way by lying all the time?” “Okay hold up a second. Don’t bring my family into this because you’re mad that you’re pregnant and Teo doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You’re so selfish and being bitter because I’m trying to do something that I want and for once not everyone is following the Jeanie Portwood guide. You know I put off years of doing what I want to work with you because you’re
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my best friend. That is the only reason. But if you think I’m going to sit here and have you disrespect me in my home then you have me fucked up. I don’t care if you’re carrying my niece or not. Jeans you need to grow up and get over yourself” I felt her hand slide across my cheek, leaving a hot sting. A tear welled up in my eyes. I wanted to flip but I was lenient and chose to blame pregnancy hormones. Jeanie backed up away from me her voice got low. “How dare you. Don’t talk to me like that. You’re the one who promised me you’d be around Miss ’Tris the family girl’. I may be being selfish but so are you” She picked up her bag and walked out the door. I wanted to say something though I wasn’t exactly sure what. I walked over to the door and peeped my head in the hallway but she was already gone I relocked the door and slid down to the ground and cried. Not because Jeanie had hurt my feelings, she barely scraped those but because it wasn’t fair. So what? Why couldn’t I be selfish for once and not have my world get torn apart. The music was still playing in the background drowning my tears. I lingered in front of the door until each sound became sirens in the distance luring me to sleep.
For a second I had to remind myself why I was on the floor in yesterday’s clothes. I staggered up to my feet and down the hallway to the bedroom to get dressed for the day and headed out towards the J line. The morning Manhattan bound express was always packed at this time. I had to squeeze my way onto the car sucking in some old man’s cologne until we got to my stop. I got
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off and walked up to the Portwood House headquarters and pressed the buzzer up to Jeanie’s office to let me in. I was surprised when Teo’s voice came through. “Hey baby sis, she says she doesn’t want to see either of us right now, so I thinks its best we shake loose from here. I’m coming down”. I watched his lanky form appear in front of me in that raggedy denim jacket and that terrible black Panama hat. He pulled out a loosey from his front pocket and lit it and took a long drag. We started walking up the block on a sidewalk that had become flooded with suits. “So what’s this? My baby sis dipping out of New York for Chi-cahhh-go”, he nudged me. “She told you?” “You think she wouldn’t? Don’t worry about it though baby girl, we all got to go and get out of this city at least twice before we die. Me? I’ve already done my fair share of exploring,” he said through tufts of smoke. I watched the small clouds glide past me, pushed by a cool breeze of wind. “Where’s your real jacket you’re gonna get sick” “Jesus Trissy, if you think this is cold you’ll be moving back the first day of Chi-town winter” “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeanie already told me I’m going to die” “Pshhh. Don’t worry about her she’s just being extra bratty this week. You know she has a two day reboot period and she’ll be back to calling you with the latest gossip by Thursday.” “Yeah I know. I’m not worried it’s just she kept bringing up the baby and all-”
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He stopped walking and turned to me and put his hands on my shoulders, “Hey, you know I’m not gonna fuck this up right? Yeah me and Jeanie fight a lot but I still have love for the crazy girl. And I promise I’m gonna be here for my daughter. You know that right? That I’m gonna be here for them, don’t let that be a thing that hangs you up.” I could tell he meant it by the way his eyebrows wriggled up threatening to touch his hairline. I nodded to let him know I believed him. We walked and talked more about everything. He told me about some of the new gigs he had coming up around the boroughs. He was going to be playing the Standard. A big deal for jazz cats like him. I told him about the ring I found in David’s bag but he wasn’t surprised, he knew. David had asked him for permission to marry me a month ago. He just shrugged like it wasn’t that big of a deal and to Teo it wasn’t. We continued discussing plans and everything we should do before I left. Then we decided to ride up and stop by the old neighborhood for a little while. We got off at 175th and walked a few blocks up until Teo stopped in front of an old gray building and pointed at the square on the ground and started snickering. “You remember this spot right here,” he said smiling slyly. “How could I not. This is where you beat up Marcos Jennings for standing me up at the junior prom.” “Haha yeah the whole block came out to see that ass whooping” I began to laugh replaying the memory in my mind, “Yeah and then Ma came out with that wooden spoon and started beating you for getting into another fight.”
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He smiled brightly, “yeah I can still feel the knots on the back of my head from that one” We both let out a blissful sigh and started walking until we hit our old corner. We stood there and stared up at those tan towers. I knew we were both looking at the same place. 7th floor 3rd window in from the right, imagining Ma was waving out the window calling us up to finish our homework, or holding a plate of tostones out the window, the signature way she would summon us up from the street for Sunday dinner. We sat there on our old building stoop for a couple of hours just recalling memories. Watching the next generation of kids coming in and out of the building. A small family struggled carrying their stroller up the wide tan steps of the stoop. I watched as Teo jumped up to help them through the tall wooden door and I felt lucky to be his little sis. I remember the other countless boys from the barrio Teo fought “defending my honor” and every time Ma would run into the streets and drag him back up to our small apartment. She would go on about how he should do better, how he had so much talent and so many other people in the neighborhood rooting for him (all the older families either called him Young Coltrane or el prodigio) how he had to be a better example for me, and how I was supposed to look out for him. But despite the yelling I knew she was proud of him. Of us for being so close. “Family is everything” she had told us this at least a million times growing up, before church, after soccer practice, before graduation, and almost every day up until she died. Teo patted my head as he walked down the steps to reclaim his spot. I stuck my tongue out at him. He started to pull out another cigarette, paused midway and looked at me.
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“Don’t tell Jeanie about all the cigs I smoked today, I promised her I’d try to stick to two a day.” “Ha, does she even know you? Ma couldn’t even get you to stop” “Well it’s not for Jeanie it’s for your niece….Marisol, after Ma.” I looked down at him with a bittersweet grin. “She’s going to be beautiful, god Teo you trying to make me cry?!” “Yeah. But don’t tell Jeanie I told you, it was supposed to be a big surprise announcement after she gave birth.” “Don’t worry I’ll act surprised. Any middle names? Is there a Tristan in there?” I joked. “Nahh, Evelyn picked the middle name something old and white sounding, uh I think Lorne” I scrunched my face up “Who the fuck names a baby girl Lorne?” “Beats me little sis but that’s it; Marisol Lorne Portwood-Reyes” he sighed. “Jesus that doesn’t flow at all” “Tell me about it”, he laughed as he finally lit his cigarette. I sat and watched him inhale and exhale over and again. The past few months had changed him. I mean he was still the same Teo he had always been, always making jokes and bouncing from place to place, cigarette permanently in hand. But he seemed different than before, calmer. Every move he made and every word he said flowed out easier like he found an answer to one of life’s questions and was hoarding it for himself. I wished I could be cool and
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collected like him for once especially now when everything on my end seemed to be coming untied. We lingered on that stoop for a few more hours just talking about our plans, and trading more memories from our childhood. . It was a good day. I had nearly forgotten that David was going to call me. Teo offered to ride with me back to Brooklyn to the apartment.
I didn’t have to ask. I knew he would end up crashing on the couch. I pointed him to the closet for blankets and then walked over to the phone and checked for a voicemail from David. It played out: Hey baby. I tried you at work but you weren’t there and I guess you’re not home either. Well Phoenix is beautiful, I wish I hadn’t packed all of these sweaters. It’s hot. The conference is as boring as they usually are, but I think the audience liked my talk on the works of Kenneth Koch. His wife was there. But I know you really don’t care about that stuff.........uhhh, Trissy I just want you to know I love you and I’ll be home tomorrow. My flight gets in at 6:15 so I’ll probably get to the apartment sometime around seven. I miss you, see you soon. “Awwwwwww isn’t that cute” teased Teo. But I was too distracted to muster up a comeback or even flick him off. Hearing David’s voice should have reassured me but it only reminded me of everything we’d have to talk about tomorrow. I walked quickly to the bedroom looking through all of me
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and Davy’s things searching for some sign of fate that I had made the wrong decision to leave or better, a sign that we’d be able to work through me being all the way in Chicago. I went towards the portfolio folder and pulled out the ring and slid it onto my finger… It was too loose. I quickly removed it and took special care to put it back in its spot and crouched down to the foot of my bed. I could feel the tears racing down my face but I took extra care not to make a sound. It didn’t matter either way because Teo still crept up into the doorway. He made his way over and sat beside me he looked around at the walls and then down to me, “Yeah I’d cry too if my room looked this shitty.” he cracked that stupid grin. Man he was corny. I eased up on my sniffling and leaned into him. “I love him Teo. But what’s going to happen to everything when I leave.” The tears I thought I had begun to control started to flood Teo’s chest. He put his arm around me but didn’t say anything. He always had something to say. A stupid little joke, some high-induced spout of wisdom, at least an I don’t know. But that night he said nothing.
I woke up at 10a.m. to the smell of Teo’s smoke creeping above my head. I got up to pee and then moved out into the living room to punch him for smoking inside, but he was hanging out the window fanning each puff out desperately so I decided to show him mercy. He coolly looked over his shoulder and slid out an easy “Good morning.” I nodded at him and poured myself a bowl of Applejacks being careful to get the proper ratio; ¼ milk to ¾ cereal. I walked over
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slowly spooning the orange and green loops into my mouth and sat on the couch. No need to rush since I didn’t have work on Wednesdays. Teo didn’t turn to face me but I could tell he was sitting on something important that he wanted to say just by the way he looked out into the distance and let each breath of smoke linger in his throat as if trying to savor some rare flavor before letting the air exit. He coughed a little and then started to speak. “Do you remember the last thing Ma said to us, you know before she kicked it?” I thought to myself letting the room grow silent. Teo waited a bit longer for me to reply but when I said nothing he continued doling out his wisdom. “She just wanted us to be happy, you know... I don’t know what you took from it Tristan, but I want you to know you can leave New York without leaving everything behind. I think you’re being too hard on yourself. David’s a good kid, good fit for you, he’s family. I know he makes you happy and since me and Jeanie are not headed off to Chicago anytime soon, I think you’d be committing a terrible crime if you don’t ask him to move with you. He wants to marry you, I mean I doubt he’ll say no. He can write poems and teach classes anywhere. It’s really that simple, plus I don’t feel like having the whole awkward I give you my blessing talk again with some other lesser chump” He laughed as he ashed his cigarette on the window sill and flicked the butt out the window, turned towards me and grabbed his jacket off the table and put his hat on. “So just ask him. It’s up to you though, you know I’ll always be here for you no matter where
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you go baby girl,” he kissed me on the cheek, “I left you a little present in the silverware drawer.” Maybe it was that simple. I watched Teo walk out the door and disappear down the steps. I relocked all the locks and ran back out to the open window and yelled down to him already walking towards the train stop, “Teo you’re gonna be a good father!” I could hear him laugh a bit. He kept walking and threw up a peace sign. I walked over and slid out the silverware drawer to find two crisply rolled blunts in the fork section. A smile spread across my face. I thought about calling Jeanie over. I thought about what I’d say when David got home and wondered if Chicago had any place like Times Square where me and him could get stoned and ride our bikes around and float on through an infinite stream of neon.
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