Divorce Co-Parenting Survivor Tool Kit

CO-PARENTING TOOLKIT PART I

Part One:  TAKE THE FIRST STEP

Divorceneveroccursbecauseacoupleishappy.Theeventsleading toyourdivorcemaybeemotionallytraumatizing. I'mnottelling youanythingyoualreadydidnotknow. Howeveryouremotionsat thismomentplayakeyroleinhowyouabletoprocessinformation andproblemsolveyourwaythroughtheyourdivorce.

Askyourselfthefollowingquestions(WeCallitaCheckIn)

1. Areyouabletosleepthroughthenight?

2. Areyoufeelingmorethanthinking?

3. Areyouabletostopfeelingoverwhelmedformorethan30 seconds,howabout

4. Areyouincontrolofyourfeelingsorareyourfeelingsincontrol ofyou? aminute?

Evenifyouwantedyourdivorcethefeelingsassociatedwiththe processitselfcanbeoverwhelming. Itstimetostop,takeastepbackandobservehowyouarereacting duringyourdivorce.

EmotionsinMotion:

Emotions have a habit of getting in the way during a divorce.  Its hard to forget your feelings and make decisions for yourself, your finances and for your children.  Parents will fight over pick up and drop off locations.  Parents will fight over how to pack their child's school lunches.  Emotions typically are major factors in their disputes.  To be fair, the process of a divorce is simply overwhelming.

What if I"m Not Sure I want to Get Divorced?

Discernment counseling is a type of therapy designed for couples who are on the verge of divorce and are unsure whether to stay together or separate, particularly when one partner is strongly leaning towards ending the relationship while the other wants to remain married; its primary goal is to help the couple gain clarity and confidence in deciding the future direction of their relationship.  At the conclusion of discernment counseling the couple makes the decision to commit to reconciling their marriage OR resolved to divorce.

Its Important to List Your Needs

Basic Needs for Yourself and Your Children

Understanding and addressing basic needs is crucial for both parents and children during the challenging transition of divorce. The hierarchy of needs, as theorized by Abraham Maslow, outlines the essential requirements for emotional and physical well-being. For divorcing parents, ensuring that both their own needs and those of their children are met is the cornerstone of fostering a healthy environment amid the upheaval of family changes.

Finding Resources

Parents typically have questions that need to be answered. Sometimes the questions that need to be asked can be found by doing research while some questions require the help of others.  Asking questions, looking for resources give you the opportunity to manage your conflict and look for a path to help you move from your current situation.

Whataremyimmediateneeds?

Ineed....

Whataremyimmediatequestions?

Whathelpdoineedinhavingmyquestionsanswered?

Its All About Maintaining Balance:

The Importance of Co-Parenting

The journey of co-parenting after separation can often feel daunting, but understanding its importance can make this transition smoother. Co-parenting is not merely a logistical arrangement; it serves as a vital framework that ensures children's emotional and psychological wellbeing. When parents prioritize co- parenting, they create a stable and nurturing environment, allowing children to thrive despite the changes in their family dynamics. This commitment to working together can foster resilience in children and help them adapt to their new circumstances with greater ease.

Why Do I Care what my Ex is thinking or feeling at this moment?

At its core, emotional intelligence encompasses several components, including self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills. Self-awareness involves recognizing one’s own emotional states and how they a ect behavior and decision-making. In the context of divorce, being aware of one’s feelings can prevent reactive behaviors that may escalate tensions. Self-regulation allows individuals to manage their emotions, keeping their responses thoughtful rather than impulsive, particularly during di cult discussions about custody or financial arrangements.

How does Empathy benefit you?

Empathy is a powerful tool that can significantly enhance communication, especially during the challenging process of divorce. When parents are able to empathize with each other, they create a more constructive environment for dialogue. This understanding allows them to recognize the emotional states and needs of one another, facilitating discussions that are less confrontational and more collaborative. By prioritizing empathy in their interactions, parents can address conflicts more effectively, ultimately benefiting not only themselves but also their children.   Empathy will help you when you are put into a position where you have to communicate with ex, you know your child's other parent.

Communication is Key!

Four Basic Rules of Thumb:

Choose the right time Parents must recognize that emotions can run high during this period so time your conversations accordingly.

Use the Right Tone:

If your not sure if your using the right tone - place your text in chat gpt - see if there is a better tone to send your message

Be Transparant

Don't hide or misrepresent information.

Choose the Best Method of Communication

Most parents these days communicate through text.  We suggest that you communicate with your child's other parent through App Close or Our Family Wizard, smart apps that help preserve and manage how conversations are maintained.

RESOURCE:

HELPINGPARENTSCOMMUNICATE

Constant communication with an ex can be overwhelming especially when it is right after a painful breakup.   Apps such as App Close or Our Family Wizard can simply be uploaded onto your smart phone.  Your communications with your ex can even be even shared with your attorney or Family Court Judge if need Be.

Learn more

ReassuringChildren AboutFamily Changes

When you do have to interact:

Watch out for your children.  Kids never forget how their parents interact. What parents say to one another when they show up for pickup and exchange locations will be remembered by your kids for the entire week if not longer.

Divorcedoesn't hurtkids. What hurtskidsisseeing theirmomanddad engageinconict.

Children often experience a wide range of emotions when their parents go through a divorce. Understanding these common reactions can help parents better support their children during this challenging time. Younger children may exhibit confusion, sadness, or even anger, as they struggle to comprehend the changes occurring in their family structure. It is essential for parents to recognize that these feelings are normal and that children may not have the vocabulary to articulate their thoughts. Using age-appropriate language when discussing divorce can help children process their emotions and feel more secure.

Reassuring children about family changes requires careful consideration of their emotional needs and developmental stages. For younger children, using age-appropriate language is crucial. Simplifying complex concepts about divorce helps them grasp the situation without overwhelming them. For instance, instead of saying "we're getting divorced," parents might say, "Mom and Dad will be living in different houses." This clarity can reduce confusion and help children understand that while the family structure is changing, their relationship with both parents will remain intact.

Teens, on the other hand, often experience a whirlwind of emotions that can be difficult to articulate. Encouraging them to express their feelings is vital. Parents can create a safe space by actively listening and validating their emotions. Techniques such as journaling, art, or even discussing their thoughts with friends can help teens process their feelings. Providing avenues for expression not only reassures them that their feelings are valid but also strengthens the parent-child bond during this transitional period.

SuggestedReading

EmotionalIntelligence2.0

Emotional Intelligence 2.0 is a book that helps you build your EQ skills through the development of four key pillars: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. These pillars will help you process your emotions, manage your triggers, develop healthy habits, and success in building relationships.

Learn more

Atmyworst:

What disputes did you have with your ex that you think you could have been handled differently?

Atmybest:

What are examples of you and your ex effectively communicating?

HowtoTalktoYourKidsAboutYour Divorce

Clarifying misconceptions about divorce is essential for parents seeking to guide their children through this challenging transition. Many children, especially younger ones, can develop misunderstandings about divorce based on limited information or what they hear from peers. It is crucial for parents to address these misconceptions head-on, providing clear and age-appropriate explanations to help alleviate fears and promote a more accurate understanding of the situation. By doing so, parents can create a supportive environment that fosters healthy emotional expression and communication.

Haveyoutalkedtoyourchildrenyetaboutyour divorce?

What are you planning to say?

Whatquestionshaveyourchildrenaskedyou?

Have you thought about how you are going to respond?

Co-Parenting After Separation: Professional Guidance for a Smooth Transition

Individual counseling is often the first step for many parents. This one-on-one support allows you to explore your feelings, cope with the emotional aftermath of separation, and develop strategies for personal growth. A skilled therapist can help you work through feelings of loss, anger, or confusion, providing a safe space to express your thoughts. This form of counseling not only aids in personal healing but also equips you with tools to be a more e�ective co-parent, ultimately benefiting your children.

Couples counseling, even after separation, can be a vital resource for parents who are committed to creating a cooperative co-parenting relationship. In these sessions, both parents work with a therapist to navigate their differences, improve communication, and establish a shared vision for their children.

Family counseling is another effective option that focuses on the entire family unit. In these sessions, a therapist engages with both parents and children, addressing the emotional and relational challenges that arise from separation.

Child Therapy may be needed.  Children typically will walk into their school counselor for advice.

Therapists:

If you have plans to hire a therapist

What type of therapist are you looking for?  Who will it be?

ChildTherapist

State any concerns you have concerning your child's well being.  Have you shared those concerns with your child's other parent?  What is your plan of action?

Respecting the Rights of Kids in Divorce

Kids are impacted by their parent's conflict more than their parent's divorce.   The court has adopted a Child Bill of Rights which will be included in your parenting plan.  Please take the time to watch the video and read the terms stated in the child bill of rights below.

Child Bill of Rights - Page One of Four

1. Neither parent shall deny the child reasonable use of the telephone to place and receive calls with the other parent and relatives.

2. Neither parent shall speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child, or engage in abusive, coarse or foul language, which can be overheard by the child whether the language involves the other parent.

3. Neither parent shall permit the children to overhear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions about legal or business dealings between the parents.

4. Neither parent shall physically or psychologically attempt to pressure, attempt to influence, pressure or influence the children concerning the opinion or position of the child concerning legal proceedings between the parents.

5. Each parent will permit the child to display photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child’s room.

6. Neither parent shall communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child concerning the other parent’s choice of values, lifestyle, choice of friends, successes or failures in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice.

7. The parents will acknowledge to the child that the child has two homes although the child may spend more time at one home than the other.

8. The parents shall cooperate to the greatest extent practicable in sharing time with the child. attack or criticize to the child the extended family of the other parent, the other parent’s career, the living and travel arrangements of the other parent, or lawful activities of the other parent or associates of the other parent..

Child Bill of Rights - Page Three of Four

18. Neither parent will create for, or exaggerate to, the child differences between the parents.

19. Neither parent will say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an “ally” against the other parent.

20. Neither parent will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents, or relatives.

21. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively toward the other parent.

22. Neither parent will try to make the child believe he or she loves the child more than the other parent, by, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or 18 over-informing the child on adult topics or overindulging the child.

23. Neither parent will discuss child support issues with the child.

24. Neither parent will engage in judgmental, opinionated or negative commentary, physical inspection or interrogations once the child arrives from his/her other home.

25. Neither parent will “rewrite” or “re-script” facts which the child originally known to be different.

26. Neither parent will punish the child physically or threaten such punishment to influence the child to adopt the parent’s negative program, if any, against the other parent.

27. Neither parent will permit the child to be transported by a person who is intoxicated due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs.

28. Neither parent will smoke tobacco materials inside structures or vehicles occupied at the time by the child.

Child Bill of Rights - Page Four of Four

29. Each parent will permit the child to carry gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child with him or her to the residence of the other parent or relatives or permit the child to take gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent to facilitate the child having with him or her objects, important to the child. The gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child referred to here, mean items which are reasonable transportable and does not include pets.

CHILD BILL OF RIGHTS Page Two of Four

9.  Each parent will permit the child to retain, and allow easy access to, correspondence, greeting cards, and other written materials received from the other parent.

10. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of items possessed by the child which depict the other parent or remind the child of the other parent.

11. Neither parent will trivialize or deny the existence of the other parent to the child.

12. Neither parent will interrogate the child about the other parent nor will either parent discourage comments by the child about the other parent.

13. Neither parent will intercept, “lose”, derail, “forget” or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent.

14. Neither parent will refuse to acknowledge that the child can have or should have good experiences with the other parent.

15. Neither parent will directly or indirectly attack or criticize to the child the extended family of the other parent, the other parent’s career, the living and travel arrangements of the other parent, or lawful activities of the other parent or associates of the other parent. 16. Neither parent will use the child as a “middleman” by using the child to communicate with the other parent or inappropriate topics. 17. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child by engaging in the “circumstantial syndrome” which is done by manipulating, changing or rearranging facts.

Most parents will do anything to make sure their kids are taken care of.

Parents are intelligent and make great decisions together for their kids well being.   During a marriage its easy to co-parent and make decisions together for your kids.  The journey back toward co-parenting during and after the divorce process certainly has its difficulties.  Parents feelings of anxiety anger and distrust of the parties and or the legal system alienates one parent from the another.  Parents can slip from co-parenting, where they work together for the best interest of their child, to counter parenting, where they find themselves working against each other to the detriment of their child.   Aiming toward your goals while addressing your needs and concerns is certainly a step in the right direction.

The state of Texas policy is to help parents effectively co-parent their children.

I have prepared the following handbooks as resources to help parents take the first steps toward the journey to co-parenting:

Tool Kit I -  CoParenting Toolkit - Take the First Step

Tool Kit 2 - Effective Co-Parenting

Tool Kit 3 - High Conflict Co-Parenting