"A Kids First Parents Second approach simply means focusing on the needs of your children during the divorce process." Matt Sossi, Executive Director of Kids First Parents Second
KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND is a 501(c)3 organization dedicated to help families transition through the divorce process.
"Services to protect you and your children" San Antonio Divorce Lawyer Divorce has significant personal, financial, and emotional impacts, whether the issues involved are contested or uncontested. We provide honest, straightforward legal advice and representation to clients seeking a divorce. For a free consultation on how we can help with your divorce, give our lawyers a call at (210) 308-0004 or Schedule an Appointment Online below. We have both male and female divorce attorneys. When you're looking for an experienced Family Law Attorney in San Antonio, The Law Office of Steven C Benke has that experience and knowledge which provides our clients
THE LAW OFFICE OF
Steven C Benke 4018 Vance Jackson Rd. San Antonio, TX 78213 210-308-0004
with personalized, legal services of the highest quality. Our success depends on our ability to provide excellent service to every client. If you've made the decision to seek a divorce, you've already done the hardest part. At the Law Office of Steven C Benke, we can take care of the rest!
Our attorneys handle all aspects of Divorce and Family Law in San Antonio, Bexar County and South Texas
(210) 308-0004 We invite you to contact us and welcome your calls, letters and electronic mail. However, contacting us does not create an attorney-client relationship. Please do not send any confidential information to us until such time as an attorneyclient relationship has been established.
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Every member of a family is affected by divorce
Children of divorce go through a great many changes.
Change is not a bad thing if parents can help children learn how to become resilient.
Children of Divorce must find a way to be resilient in the face of sudden change.
A resilient child is one that 1. feels safe 2. is able to love both parents
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3. is not placed in the middle.
Resources for the Divorcing Family
Transitions Magazine
Is brought to you By Kids First Parents Second A Registered 501c(3) nonprofit organization.
Coming June 2016 Emotional Intelligence for Children and Teens
2
Table of Contents
What we expect.....
Teenage Bill of Rights
Index
2
Benefits of Mediation
8
Transitions
4
Divorce Coach
16
You Have a Choice
6
A Better Divorce
19
My Smile .... Transitions in Divorce
Beginners Guide
21
Rainbows for Children
46
How do you tell your children?
27
Helping Kids find their voice
60
Family Wellness
29
Talk to Strangers
67
How Not to Mess Up
32
Kids Resources
62
How to Be Great Parents
34
Amicable App
76
The Echo of Divorce
36
Donate Page
82
Teenagers Journal Writing
58
Co-Parenting Video
23
Broken Circle Project
72
The Power of a Grandparent
78
Kids First Parents Second Flipboard and Social Media
3
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“We Expect You to Work through Your Problems” BEXAR COUNTY DISTRICT JUDGE SOLOMON CASSEB III
288th Judicial District Court
Judge Solomon Casseb III I’ve been in this game we call the legal business for 43 years, dealing primarily in family law. I have seen it from all sides - as a practitioner, mediator, Judge, and from being involved as family members and friends have gone through the process.
“Evan a bad settlement is better than a good lawsuit.” Believe me when I tell you - as I have told hundreds of people over the years - “Even a bad settlement is better than a good lawsuit.” Almost all litigants are better off resolving their differences outside of the courtroom. Certainly, there are those few cases (eg. severe domestic violence cases) that can only be resolved in litigation. But, for the most part, most family law disputes can be settled in conferences or through the mediation process.
While mediation is a topic for another day, the idea of a settlement conference is one that, with rare exceptions, should always be pursued. If possible, attorneys and clients should meet prior to the day a case is set for hearing; although, if necessary, the attorneys can announce “Conferring” when a case is called for trial or a hearing, and can secure a conference room and negotiate all day, if that is what it takes. Prior to a settlement conference, the attorney and client should adequately prepare themselves as to all potential issues in controversy. I recommend having an outline of a Decree or Order with you so that you cover all issues, and the attorney and client will know the range of settlement on issue. each Parties should come to a settlement conference with basic discovery complete - or at least some means to quickly check on the location and valuation of basic assets (eg. land, bank accounts, stock accounts, etc.). The attorney and client should also have a first offer prepared beforehand, as well as a second and third offer available, so that a range of exposure has been predetermined (from best to worst-case scenario). Most importantly, parties (and lawyers, for that matter) must be prepared to compromise. After all, in all likelihood, if you get to court, a judge is going to compromise for you. People involved in litigation, all too often, allow themselves to get caught up in the idea of winning and losing, no matter what the cost, such that, often, they “leave their souls at the courthouse.” We, as professionals, must realize, and help clients realize, that the emotional well-being that comes from a settlement is often worth considerably more than the additional money or property that might come after a contested trial.
FROM KAREN BONNELL, KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND MEMBER
“For a child’s sense of family, what divorce breaks apart, strong co-parenting rebuilds.”
To my dear colleagues in Texas, a hearty hello and thank you for all that you do to strengthen families during one of their more vulnerable times. I always say, “For a child’s sense of family, what divorce breaks apart, strong co-parenting rebuilds.” That starts from the moment they enter our offices. Guiding parents into a process that best supports their needs for an outcome that considers their children’s family. What’s best for kids? Two “good enough” parents engaged in their lives and actively caring for them with safety and love. With all the emotional stress of divorce, parents need specific support to remain strong parents and not fall prey to a long list of behaviors that have negative impact on children. Healthy children will be happy children – and not necessarily the other way around. Learning to parent across to homes, keeping life integrated and children central (without getting caught in the middle or falling through the cracks) is a skill set.
Here’s to our efforts to ensure that family is the focus of family law; parents get the support and guidance they need to become strong co-parents, and kids thrive as each family changes, restructures, and finds the way into a confident optimistic two-home future. Warm regards – and know it will always be my pleasure to hear from you. Coach Karen Karen Bonnell, author of “The Co-Parents’ Handbook” and “The Parenting Plan Handbook.”
Karen Bonnell is the author of “Co-Parent Coaching: The Next Page in the Collaborative Playbook,” featured in The Collaborative Review: The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Fall 2015 / Volume 15, Issue 2. Karen Bonnell has served on the board of King County Collaborative Law and was a founding member of the Collaborative Professionals of Washington. She is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and Academy of Professional Family Mediators. She regularly presents on topics related to divorce and co-parent coaching, as well as advanced communication skills.
"exceptional! …of great significance is the grounding of the co-parenting process in clearly articulated best practices for meeting the developmental needs of children.” —Gloria DeGaetano, Founder, Director, Parent Coach International: “Parent Well & Transform the World!”
BOOK H WORKBOOK H VIDEO H EBOOK
www.coachmediateconsult.com
ISBN: 978-1495345869
For a child, what divorce breaks apart, strong co-parenting rebuilds. "this book contains the absolute essence of practical, healthy co-parenting for two homes. sound guidance, clear protocols, and compassionate insights—a much needed resource! a “must read” not only for co-parents, but also for anyone, especially counselors, interested in how to support changing families." —Anne Lucas, MA, LMHC, Psychotherapist, Mediator, Divorce Coach, and Adjunct Faculty at Saybrook University; Past President of King County Collaborative Law
With a tested "here's how" approach, the Co-Parents' Handbook helps parents confidently take on the challenges of raising children in two homes. Addressing parents' questions about the emotional impact of separation, conflict, grief and recovery, the authors skillfully provide a roadmap for all members of the family to safely navigate through separation/ divorce and beyond. Parents discover through practical guidance how to move from angry/hurt partners to constructive,successful co-parents. The pages are chock-full of helpful strategies to resolve day-to-day issues in an easy-to-use format. This book is here to answer questions, help parents co-parent and ensure kids thrive!
Kristin Little, MA, MS, LMHC with over 17 years of experience serving children and families. Kris safely guides parents and children through the emotional landscape of divorce. She serves on the board ofthe Collaborative Professionals of Washington. (More about Kristin)
www.thecoparentshandbook.com
skillFul, child-centered parenting plan coaching at Your Finger tips!
W
e know kids do best when parents understand their children’s deep desire to stay connected to and be cared for
ISBN 978–1516917419
25 contributors from around the world bring a “chorus of voices” to the workbook to support parents with insights and inspirations in their parenting planning process
by both of them. A skillful parenting plan describes the structure, predictability and rhythm that ensure both parents can emerge from the uncertainty of
Felicia Malsby soleil, JD
separation/divorce into stable two-home family life. The agreements and guidelines set-out in
Felicia is the principle of Family Law Resolutions, PS, in
your parenting plan establish clarity about your
Gig Harbor, Washington. Her focus is collaborative divorce
responsibilities to one another, specify essential co-parenting tasks, and minimize unnecessary
and legal separation, nonadversarial matters, mediation,
conflict. Children thrive when confidence and security are present and parents think through
and consulting on all matters
parenting plan decisions, come to agreements, and implement changes to their family in a mature,
associated with transitioning couples and families. She was named the 2010 Family Law Attorney of
non-adversarial manner. Come learn with us.
the Year by the Family Law Section of the TacomaPierce County Bar Association, recognizing her leadership in establishing Collaborative Law locally, as well as throughout Washington State. (More about Felicia)
www.theparentingplanhandbook.com Streaming with downloadable workbook at www.covestream.com Workbook in paperback available at
"the co-parents' handbook is very comprehensive, detailed and engaging, with story examples and tips on almost every page. there are many books out now about co-parenting in divorce, but this is the most comprehensive i have seen for parents whose children are their highest priority." —Bill eddy, LCSW, Esq., President of the High Conflict Institute, and creator of New Ways for Families
KAren BonneLL, ARNP, MS, is a board-certified clinical
the intensity and worry for newly divorcing parents facing so much loss, changes enormously once
nurse specialist with over 30 years of experience guiding
everyone has settled into new rhythms, new-found security, and smoothly running homes. Karen Bonnell
parents through the turbulence of crisis and change. Karen has
has dedicated her work to this end: Building peaceful futures one family at a time.
served on the boards of King County Collaborative Law and the Collaborative Professionals of Washington. (More about Karen)
"Five stars: in addition to parents, every therapist, lawyer, coach, pastor, social worker, teacher, judge, etc, working with families struggling with separation/divorce should have a copy of this clearly written book." —Shelley Chambers, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
facebook.com/karenbonnellcmc
@karenbonnellcmc
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Michael W. Jackson Mediation What happens between parents in a courtroom setting can only be destructive of the co-parenting relationship when family law matters involving children are sought to be resolved within the adversary system. As I frequently tell parents and their attorneys at the outset of a mediation session, there isn’t one family law case in five hundred that needs to be tried. The vast majority of family law cases need to be settled. My goal and my mission are to help people in that endeavor. I hope you will consider affording me the opportunity to mediate for you. Your attorney can contact me at (210) 348-7600 or by email at boerneattorney@aol.com. My office is located in the Fountainhead Tower at 8200 IH10 West, Ste. 875 San Antonio, Txexas 78230. When you call the phone will likely be answered by my wife of 42 years, Jeanne, who, for the last 13 years has been my Legal Assistant, and who is a vital part of what we do. For us, mediation isn’t a job, it is a calling. Mediation is not just a job to me, it is a calling.
"A Map When You Feel Lost" By Dr. Becky Davenport” “The most important thing to me now is that my kids are protected in this process.” "I know this is my only chance to do right by my kids.” “I am so numb right now because of the divorce. I feel so much guilt when I look at my kids.” “I’ve never gotten a divorce before- I feel like I’m lost without a map.”
I've heard this sentiment spoken many times by clients who are beginning the process of divorce. Parents who are very aware that, as they approach or navigate through a divorce, the last thing they want is negative effects on their children. These parents have many questions- “How do we tell our children about a separation or divorce?” “What can we do proactively to help our children adjust and understand the divorce?” “How do I respond when my children are upset about a divorce I don’t want?”. “What do I do when the other parent is doing or saying things I don’t think are appropriate?”
At any transition point in life, we all feel much more grounded when we know there is a map for the new territory we are walking. Someone has been there before and can help us find our way. Someone can tell us what to expect. In many life events, that map comes from friends and family members who have gone there before you. In a divorce process, a helpful map can also come from a mental health professional with experience in guiding parents and children through divorce processes. A professional guide may or may not have been down this road personally, but we have seen enough people walk down the path that we know which turns are coming up and which roads are dead ends. We have studied family and child development research and understand how divorce can impact typical development and secure attachments with parents. Unlike friends and family, a neutral professional also has no biases or loyalties with either party in the divorce. Well-intentioned loved ones recognize your pain and often want to provide comfort and validation more than hard advice. A professional guide who knows the territory of divorce, as well as child development and family systems, can be especially helpful for parents who plan to co-parent and share custody of children. There is a completely different map for true co-parenting that allows children to feel at home with a sense of belonging in both households. Coparenting that fosters a grounded sense of identity for children after divorce includes not only solid cooperation and respectful communication over a long period of time, but also a higher level of consensus in parenting styles and decisions that children experience as a generally consistent in values and expectations. This only happens when parents are able to intentionally establish new patterns of communication and interaction after divorce. When couples are at the point of divorce, they are often locked in negative patterns and each feels powerless to significantly influence positive change. A new, constructive pattern of communication can be established that allows both partners to bring their best selves into their co-parenting relationship. A mental health professional can be a valuable asset in building a successful, post-divorce parenting relationship that not only protects children from continued parental conflict and ineffective communication, but fosters health and forward movement for parents. Intentional planning and intervention for post-divorce relationships also can prevent years of spending time, money, and energy in ongoing conflict and legal proceedings that result when parents continue the same negative patterns from the marriage into their divorce and co-parenting relationship. In short, a good mental health professional can be a wise investment in your future.
Becky R. Davenport, Ph.D., LMF Becky R. Davenport, Ph.D., LMFT established the Institute for Couple and Family Enhancement after 10 years of clinical practice, teaching, and providing supervision to student clinicians. Dr. Davenport recognized a need in the San Antonio area for specialized therapy services for couples and families. Follow Dr. Davenport's blogs for relationship and parenting information, advice, and more. Couple and marriage focused blogs are posted at forbetterorworsecouple.wordpress.com, and parenting/family blogs are posted at happyfams.wordpress.com.
THE PARENTING PLAN HANDBOOK THE BOOK
DIVORCE PROFESSIONALS
KAREN
FELICIA
REVIEWS
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Prefer your companion workbook
Coaching Seminars Introduction
Skillfully build a strong, child-centered parenting plan
worksheet with nearly four hours of video coaching, your downloadable companion workbook and Parenting Plan Worksheet supplement (fillable PDF). Play Free Seminar
You Need a Parenting Plan In Seminar I, we will guide you to mentally and emotionally prepare to develop your parenting plan. Like setting any strong foundation, these considerations provide the framework for a skillful, child-centered parenting plan.
Parenting Plan Coaching for the Digital Age - ChildCentered, Skillful At Your Fingertips! SEE ON AMAZON
Another 5-star co-parenting resource. Available on Amazon.
Chapter 1 - Creating A Parenting Plan
Prepare yourself and your children in the best way possible for divorce and two-home family life. Explore a New Model for co-parenting and a respectful, conflict-managed divorce.
Chapter 2 - How to Keep Kids Central
Answer the question, “What’s best for kids?” Identify complex or specials circumstances that may require extra guidance. Understand the impact of grief on the entire family.
Chapter 3 - Building Your Team
Learn about divorce options and the team members available to assist you. Know that parents are often the best decision makers for their children’s future and future sense of family - not the courts. Play Free Seminar
Chapter 4 - Creating Your Co-Parenting Goals Receive practical coaching as you enter your parenting planning process. Establish your guiding principles to give your children security during a difficult family change.
Chapter 5 - Creating a Temporary Duty Parent Schedule
You’ve decided to divorce, and will continue to live together for a period of time. Use this time wisely to prepare your children, yourself and your co-parent for a stable future.
Designing Your Residential Schedule In Seminar II, we will tackle the residential considerations of a parenting plan. You will learn how to plan for sharing your children across two homes 365 days a year, 24 hours each day.
For a child's sense of family, what divorce breaks apart, strong co-parenting rebuilds. SEE ON AMAZON
Chapter 6 - Developmental Considerations
“One size fits none.” Take this opportunity to learn how you can incorporate your children’s ages and stages when designing a residential schedule that reflects developmental needs.
Chapter 7 - Residential Schedules for School-age Children Understand the differences between shared schedules and primary schedules, and the impact on children. Consider some of the common concerns/questions for school-age children.
Chapter 8 - Summer Schedules and Vacations with Parents Recognize the importance of summer for your children, vacations with parents, and the flexibility available for parents to make adjustments to meet needs.
Chapter 9 - Scheduling School Breaks
Address the options for sharing children during school breaks: incorporate travel if important, consider parent work schedules and child care issues.
Chapter 10 - Scheduling Holidays and Celebrations Recognize the value of short- and long-term planning. Work together to sustain a sense of continuity while allowing new traditions to unfold.
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More than just an online custody calendar or visitation schedule The OFW® website reduces divorce conflict between you and your co-parent by providing a central, secure location to document and share important information about your family. Schedule parenting time, share vital information and manage expenses like un-reimbursed medical all through OFW®.
Create your family’s accounts. Setup accounts for you and your other family members. Parent subscriptions start at just $99 per year.
TRANSITIONS MAGAZINE
BEXAR FAMILY SOLUTIONS "When Parents are actually acting in their children's best interest, they choose cooperation over conflict."
Jack Bannin, MS, LPC-S, LMFT
11230 West Avenue Ste, 1203 San Antonio, Texas 1-210-320-2999
Parenting Facilitation/Coordination Child Custody Evaluations Cooperative Parenting Classes Guardian ad Litem Services Divorce Consulting
Consulting Expert Services to Attorneys Daytime and Evening Appointments Available
What is Parenting Facilitation? Parents involved in litigation against each other often experience conflict about parenting practices and other child-related matters, but have difficulty communicating effectively about their concerns. In some cases, the parental conflict is such a problem, that parents may benefit from having a neutral third party to guide conversations in a more solution-oriented direction, provide useful information about how harmful parental conflict can be to their children, and to help parents shift from “litigation mode” to “cooperation mode.” Parenting facilitators are specially-trained professionals who work with parents to help them identify child-related problem areas, understand and implement the possession and access provisions of parenting plans, clarify priorities for the children, reduce Parenting facilitators misunderstandings between the parents, improve communication and conflict resolutions skills, and are specially-trained develop strategies to improve collaboration. They also professionals who monitor parents’ compliance with court orders and help in other ways permitted by law. Much of a parenting work with parents to facilitator’s job is to provide parents with direct feedback on how to change their behaviors in order to accomplish help them identify these goals. Interacting with a coparent can feel like child-related walking into a mine field. A parenting facilitator guides you through that field, helping you know where to go problem areas…. and where not to go. Even though parenting facilitators may be a mental health professional, they do not provide mental health services. Instead, this is a legal process, and parenting facilitators can speak with
attorneys and judges about what is said and what happens in parenting facilitation meetings. They also may write reports about the parenting facilitation and file those reports with the court. Parenting facilitators often are subpoenaed to testify in court hearings to help the judge/jury make decisions. The cost of parenting facilitation can be high. However, when compared to the cost of an attorney, parenting facilitation tends to be much less expensive. Since parenting facilitators can help parents resolve some of their conflict that otherwise would have been directed to the attorneys, you may find you spend less money on attorney’s fees— money that you can then spend to meet your children’s needs. Conflict is certainly expensive. The sooner parents realize that cooperation is the cheaper, less stressful route, the sooner they can move forward with their separate lives and out of the courthouse. Parenting facilitators must be appointed by court order. Sometimes that happens when a judge, on his or her own, decides the services are needed. At other times, one of the parents may request that the judge appoint a parenting facilitator. Additionally, the parents can agree that a parenting facilitator would be beneficial, and will have their attorneys draft an order appointing a parenting facilitator for the judge to sign. There are some things that a parenting facilitator cannot do. Even though they may use some mediation-like methods, it is not mediation. The outcome is not a legally-binding order crafted by the parenting facilitator. In fact, parenting facilitators may not modify any order, judgement, or decree. However, agreements made in parenting facilitation can be translated into something enforceable if the attorneys take the necessary steps (for example, a court order). Parenting facilitators are permitted to make other recommendations to the court to help clarify an existing order, when something in the order is unclear or not working well. Parenting facilitators cannot decide things like conservatorship, child support, possession of and access to the children. In fact, they can make no recommendations to the court regarding conservatorship, possession of or access to the children (sometimes called “visitation”). Parenting facilitation is not an evaluation or investigation, and cannot be used in place of a child custody evaluation. If you believe a parenting facilitator is right for your case (or one has been ordered), then speak with your attorney about what to expect. You may have some input into the selection of the parenting facilitator, and your attorney will likely have an opinion about who might best fit that role for your circumstances. of Bexar Family Solutions located at 11230 West Ave., San Antonio, Texas. Jack specializes in working with people involved in family law disputes. Services include parenting facilitation/coordination, child custody evaluations, brief focused assessments. Jack also offers traditional counseling/therapy for individuals and couples facing a wide variety of challenges. Daytime and evening appointments available. www.bexarfamilysolutions.com Jack Bannin, MS, LPC, LMFT and is the owner
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HELPING FAMILIES IN DIVORCE
KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND Our mission is to primarily Support families going through the divorce process Help children and teens navigate the very difficult grief process following a life-altering crisis or loss Help professionals improve the service they provide to their divorcing clients Offer Emotional Intelligence Education for ages 5-18 years of age. Guide parents and children (age 9-13 years old) to a greater understanding of one another Provide Resources for teens designed to help identify, appreciate, and capitalize on natural strengths
My smile doesn’t mean everything is okay Part of Kids First Parents Second mission is to help kids cope with life during and after the divorce process. Being on the front line has given us a unique perspective on issues these kids face. These kids entered our room at first polite, reserved and then irritated. They were irritated that they had to take time off of a Saturday and be at our class. They were irritated that someone was about to tell them that everything was going to be okay. Everything was obviously not okay. The kids looked at us in shock. "We’re here to be talking about MY feelings?" Many of the kids thought we were going to tell them everything was going to be okay. We saw kids who were more worried about their parent’s feelings than their own.
Over time things changed, especially after the movie "Inside Out” came out. All of a sudden IT WAS COOL for kids and talk ABOUT THEIR OWN feelings of anger, sadness, fear and joy. We came up with a spinning wheel that kids could spin, which would land on different key emotions. When they spun the wheel the kids WANTED it to land on ANGER, they wanted to talk about ANGER and they wanted to know how to deal with ANGER. 52
It was these same kids who went back to their parents with smiles saying everything was okay. These kids were comforting their parents, assuring mom and dad that they were okay. That’s what kids do, they try to please and not cause unnecessary problems. Parents who are involved in a divorce with conflict are going to have a very hard time of understanding exactly how their young children truly are feeling. That is not necessarily the case when parents have teenage children. Teenagers do not exist to please their parents. They have their own identities, their own wants and needs. Parents are shocked that their teenagers now have become distant or seem consumed with nothing but hate.
The way we see it, many children, regardless of their age, are going to be angry when their parent’s divorce. Many children, regardless of age, are going to feel sad and hopeless. Divorce is a life altering event that is hard to understand and comprehend. Kids need to know that they have the ability to express themselves. If children are not allowed to transition through the divorce process they will have problems. In the short term it might mean uncontrolled outbursts of anger. In the long term the child may face depression, anxiety or even worse. So when you see that child’s smiling face, dig a little deeper. Don't just ask, interact. You know you are going through a major change in your life, know that your kids are too.
For more information, visit us at www.kidsfirstparentssecond.org.
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SUPER HERO'S ASSEMBLE!
KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND
Spider-Man's true identity was Peter Parker. When Spider-Man wasn't fighting with Doc Octopus or Lizard man he was just trying to get through everyday life as his alter ego, Peter Parker. Peter, just like Spider-man was a superhero because he was resourceful and found ways to adapt to beat impossible odds. Without Peter, there never would have been a Spider-man! So who wants to be a superhero? index
TEEN NATION Dear Mom and Dad I will not listen to what you have to say. I will know more than you. I will do what I want to do. I will test your patience. I will frustrate you to no end. I will get lost without your direction. I will learn how to handle my problems based upon your mistakes. Please be the parents that I need you to be. Work together and show me the way.
KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND
YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS #WEARE TEEN NATION
TEENAGERS AND DIVORCE
Divorcing parents should expect to encounter the wrath of their teenage child. Teenagers typically experience failing grades and antisocial behavior during and after their parent’s divorce. As a parent, what are your options? Divorce does not mean that your teenage child has to suffer. Divorce or not, parents need to communicate effectively and share information with one another. Parents need to be on the same page to provide needed love, guidance and discipline to their teenager. At Kids First Parents Second, it was obvious that these teenage children felt lost. Most of these children simply wanted to be left alone. It was that basic human right that led to us helping the teenagers creating a Bill of Rights for the Divorcing Family. The teenager, along with their parents would sign the Bill and it would become the “law” in the family household. Enclosed is a sample “Bill of Rights” for your family’s use. Feel free to print the Bill of Rights for your family OR talk to your teenager and create your own families Bill of Rights. Tell us about your “Bill of Rights” Story on our Facebook https://www.facebook.com/conflictorcollaborative/.
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page at
I am your teenage son or daughter. I have rights in your divorce. I did not plan for your divorce. I planned on having a normal teenage life full of emotional ups and downs. I planned on worrying about acne, geometry and going on my first date. I need to inform you that I have some basic rights, and I want those rights respected by both of you. Theserights include:
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
I have the right to be left alone. I have the right to askquestions, when I feel the need to‌ I have the right to be angry and speak my mind. I have the right to notbe placed in the middle of your conflict. I have the right to be with my friends. I have the right to do the things that make me happy. I have the right to ask how this divorce is going to affect me. I have the right to both parents, and not feel that I have to choose between you. I have the right to know that you will act in my best interest. I have the right to be happy and find happiness.
Signed on this the
of 20
From your child index Having read your request, your parents plan to honor and respect your rights as a teenager in this divorce. We will give you the room that you need to heal during this painful time while providing you guidance just like we always have. We sign this bill of rights understanding that you will look to your parents for continued love and support.
Mom
Dad
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Journal Writing Tips Teenagers involved in Divorce #1. Find a safe spot to hide your journal. #2. Write regularly. #3. Make sure to date your entries. 4. Make sure to write about your feelings, anger, sadness, or any other emotion that you might be feeling.
Read your journal. You will be able to answer HOW you were feeling. You will also be able to answer WHY you were feeling the way you did. 5. Connecting the dots goes a long way towards giving you self-awareness of your situation. 6. Being aware means that you can problem solve. Being aware means that you can ask for help with your problem if you don't know what to do. Brought to you by Kids First Parents Second
THE KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND APPROACH “OPEN(S) THE DOOR TO HELP CHILDREN FIND THEIR VOICE” It is important for children of divorce to feel secure and have a safe haven whether they are with one parent or the other. Children of divorce who are experiencing pain, disillusionment, and longing are in need for their voices to be heard, and there health, well-being and self-esteem to stay in tack as much as possible at all times. Divorce is a multidimensional process of healing, coping, understanding and restructuring old relationships and building new ones. As a Licensed Professional Counselor who has worked extensively with children of divorce it has been imperative to have the use of tools that will both educate the parents and children on how to express and communicate their needs, and emotions. Kids First Parents Second “Path to Courage” and the “Rainbow Project” are two of the tools that I have used to open the door for children to find their voices, get in tuned with their emotions during the separation and divorce process, and for the importance for the child to be given permission to love both parents. The” Path to Courage” has been helpful in creating a step by step plan for children of divorce who have felt lost, scared, anxious and have aches inside that they are experiencing but do not know how to express due to their fear of hurting one of their parents. This tool has helped the children I have worked with to feel empowered in seeking the courage in finding their voice to ask questions of their parents, attorneys, relatives, and friends. Through learning the importance of finding a safe and quiet place to stop and reflect, the children have been able to find 60
the courage to problem solve through things they could and couldn’t change. The “Path to Courage” has been helpful in teaching children the need for support and how to seek out help from others so they can express their thoughts and emotions when needed. The “Rainbow Project” is an in depth resource I have utilized with children and teens in which teaches them to explore and express feelings they are experiencing (anger/frustration, worry/fear, sadness/grief) while at the same time learning how to survive and ways to be happy in their upside down world. Normalizing feelings and giving the child the permission to feel what they are experiencing is aiding in the continuous process of healing and the resolving of losses, anger, and self-blame. Although the children are responsible for their emotional work, parents who understand the process can lighten the load, and provide a supportive positive approach to shape the outcome, and help their children become winners. In my experience working with children, divorce is never learned to be liked, but rather they learn to live with it. As any force before which they are helpless, divorce demands an ability to cope with what they cannot change. The “Rainbow Project” uses examples such as “Make Some Lemonade” and “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” which allows the children to remember the good times, change their focus, ways in how to stay in touch with both parents (being in control), being engaged in things that make them happy, and ways to keep optimistic when change is happening all around them. One of the most important role of children who are experiencing divorce is being just that “a kid”. In the “Rainbow Project” it has helped me to educate and provide examples how they can maintain the role of “a kid” instead of being placed in the middle of conflicts, being a detective for the other parent, or being a messenger. As a seasoned Counselor working with families of divorce, I view divorce not being a time -limited or single stressful event for children. It is more of a continuous weakening of their safety, emotional security, and value of self. Divorce is complex for all, and an emotional journey, some which may be easier to navigate but others may be filled with turmoil for years. To ensure the process of healing and coping, restructuring old relationships and building new ones during a divorce there needs to be a collaboration between children and their parents, open communication between all parties, tools to help families shape the course and direction of the divorce in a more positive manner, and the need for more professionals to take on guiding parents and children through the process, and aiding them to establish and carry out a coparenting plan that will give the children their best chance in life. Dawn Williams is a Board of Director at Kids First Parents Second and a licensed family therapist. For more information about Dawn Williams visit her website at http://www.fourcscounseling.com/about- dawn. 61
RESOURCES TO HELP YOUNG CHILDREN
FROM KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND
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Grandparents, aunts, uncles and teachers! Visit our Kids First Parents Second website and click on Our Path To Courage Acivity Page. Our page provides free downloads to help kids of divorce. These kids will have questions. Help them look for an answer. Our Path to Courage is designed to help kids start engaging, participating and vocalizing their feelings.
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For Kids 4-5
EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS LOVE COUPONS!” Kids First Parent Second developed
coupons
for
children of divorce using the characters from our
Free Pass
book, “Mommy and Daddy Troubles.” Kids love coupons, who knew? Kids can print off the
Sometimes kids just miss their parents. A free pass coupon lets young kids know that a phone call to Mom or Dad is just a coupon away.
coupons we provided or BETTER YET they can create their own!
KIDSFIRSTPARENTSSECOND
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EMPOWERING AND BUILDING RESILIENCY “KIDS NIGHT OUT” Share your “Kids Night Out” Stories with us on Facebook At Kids First Parents Second
KIDS NIGHT OUT Sometimes kids need a break. A “Kids Night Out” coupon is one where the child gets to say “I’m important, let's do something for me tonight!”
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KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND is a 501c(3) Organization WE HELP CHILDREN AFFECTED BY DIVORCE
Mommy Daddy Troubles is a book designed to help children four on up understand that divorce was never their fault. Mommy and Daddy Troubles is available for purchase on Amazon.com
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Children from Divorced Homes reflect years later....
HowDidMyParents’DivorceAffect Me? The Broken Circle Project 72
My sister and I grew up in a family with a single pillar that was my mother; supported always and unconditionally by my maternal grandmother. When I am asked if this has affected me, I usually say I doubt it, but I know that it has. I think perhaps it has affected my way of thinking, of not needing a man to do “men’s” stuff, and also no fear of raising a child by my own if I don’t have a partner, etc. It is difficult to know whether my life would have been better if my father had been with us during these years, but surely it would have been different. I respect both of my parents, but give special thanks to my mother - for the courage, strength and her unconditional support to motivate us to move forward. Clara
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My parents' divorce has impacted my life in multiple ways. While people often attach negative connotations to divorce and the repercussions it can have on families, there are a lot of positive outcomes that have evolved in my life because of my parents’ separation. The reality is that people change, relationships do not always last forever, and it is often more detrimental for kids to live in a chaotic home with two adults trying to make a bad marriage work than to just move on. I truly believe that the divorce has made me a stronger, more flexible, and open-minded person. I am grateful to both of my parents for the impressions they have made on my life, for introducing me to other adults who have cared for and supported me, and for making an effort not to allow their own differences to get in the way of my relationships with them.
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Mayumi
SURVIVOR TALES FROM KIDS OF DIVORCE
BROKEN CIRCLE PROJECT
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Available on Amazon.com
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THE TALE OF TWO GRANDPARENTS I. The Tale of the Over Protective Grandmother
Grandparents have the power to help parents focus and be
“I am taking my daughters side in this, no matter more resilient during what.” One Grandma exclaimed. Her daughter Jodie had really gone through a lot with her husband John and it was the divorce process. finally time for all this nonsense to end. Grandma saw the divorce as a time to get even with John for all the things he did against her family during his marriage to Jodie. “John does not need to see the kids until court” Grandma told Jodie “It’s better for them to start to move on with their life.” Divorce was not something that Grandma was used to. She and her husband had been married together for over three decades. No one in her family had been divorced before. Grandma thought little of John and was embarrassed that he had ever been in her family. Grandma took her daughter to the law offices of a few attorneys she knew who were part of her congregation. Grandma provided the retainer for the lawyer and gave him instructions on how she wanted her daughter’s divorce to proceed. During the divorce Jodie’s life was dictated by Grandma’s rules. John was not allowed to either call or see his children until he obtained an attorney. II. The New Age Grandfather “Don’t think I’m taking sides between you two.” Grandpa said. “John, when you are coming to town to visit, you’re going to stay at my house and visit the kids. It doesn’t make any sense for you to pay for a hotel when you have that child support obligation to pay.” Grandpa kept on, “Jodie if John’s over here I don’t want to hear you to arguing
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with one another, the kids do not hear all that.” Grandpa continued “John, why aren’t you calling your kids during the week anyway?” III. The Power of a Grandparent Grandparents set a powerful tone for parents of divorce, especially when they are young parents. Given the two tales presented, what type of Grandparent do you want to be?
Recommended Checklist for Grandparents ___
Take your grandchildren out for a night out. Help them understand your role is to listen to their needs and not judge either parent. Make sure to engage with them OUTSIDE the presence of their parents.
_____ Call the other set of grandparents. Help them understand you are here to solve problems not create them. If you have pictures of your grandchildren NOW is a good time to share them.
Listen to both parents and try to understand where they are coming from. What are their wants and needs?
Show the parents ways to problem s o l v e through their issues. Move the parents away from civil litigation, if at all possible.
Make sure to invite EITHER parent to sit with you during any activities that the child is involved in. See your grandchild’s face when you are all sitting down together and supporting them. I am a Grandparent and I am awesome!
GRANDPARENT
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LITIGATE MEDIATE COLLABORATE
You have a choice! Kids First Parents Second invites you take “UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHOICE: A BETTER DIVORCE”
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That’s a wrap! As Executive Director for Kids First Parents Second I wanted to extend a special thank you to every one subscribing to our first edition of Transitions magazine. It is my hope that our first edition of “Transitions” will inspire parents to look for ways to problem solve their way out of their divorce dispute. I wanted to extend thanks to those individuals and organizations that inspired us and pushed us to create
Transitions magazine. Specials thank you to Jai Kissoon at our Family Wizard and to Karen Bonnell. Thank you for believing in this project and making it a reality. We wanted to thank Google for allowing us to spread our message across the U.S. and the U.K. With your continued help we will change the world.
Matt Sossi ----------------------------------------------Matt Sossi has been a family law attorney in San Antonio, Texas since 1992. Matt is an advocate of using collaborative techniques to problem solve and minimize conflict during the divorce process.
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