Its Your Day Mediation by KIDS FIRST PARENTS SECOND

Volume

1 ITS YOUR DAY MEDIATION

A Handbook for Divorcing Parents

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

ITS YOUR DAY MEDIATIONS

ï&#x192;£ ItsYourDay MATT SOSSI ATTORNEY AT LAW 16607 BLANCO #1306 SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS 78232 Phone 210-224-1667

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

Introduction: Welcome Co-Parents "Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Day"

Divorce Handbook In 2017 the American Bar Association conducted a study on mediation techniques that were the most effective in resolving family law conflict. The ABA concluded that mediations that allowed the parties to opportunity to listen, understand and respond to with one another had the best chance to not only resolve present conflict, but future conflict as well. You have to relate to another in order to Listen, Understand and Respond. Being relational in the middle of a divorce probably does not fit within the traditional notions of how you would want conflict resolved during a painful emotional and financial process. The ABA study has been backed up by prior studies in 2016 by the State of Maryland. Is there any other option? If your goal is to co-parent after a divorce, it’s important to stop and think how exactly you want to manage conflict. It’s equally important that you assess your choices in how your conflict is going to be resolved. There are three different forms by which you can resolve conflict. In her book “Being Relational” Dr. Senft categorizes the three forms as follows: power, transactional and relational approaches. (I encourage you to read Dr. Senft's book - buy it on Amazon today!) The power approach would be the use litigation, in which you impose your will upon another. Transactional is negotiating and compromising, the process you know as mediation. Being relational, well that’s something different. So why not the power approach?

If your wish is to co-parent, you’re going to have to: 1. Be Creative 2. Remain Flexible 3. Listen, Understand and Respond to your child’s other parent’s needs and concerns. 4. Problem Solve The power model is not conducive to collaboration. Asking the court for remedies is not conducive to being creative or being flexible. Co-parenting is not going to be found at the courthouse. Litigation is the process to make a damaged party whole.

Divorce Handbook Litigation allows parties the right to distance themselves and move on ward with their lives. Litigation by its very definition is adversarial. Why not the Transactional Approach? Parents go to traditional mediations seeking to reach agreements to solve the issues of the day. Through the direction of the mediator, the parents will compromise and reach an agreement that helps them avoid the courthouse. Parents will be told that any agreement is better than going to the courthouse. What are the downfalls to the transactional approach? 1. Loss of Control: The parents had no say in how the agreement was created. They were provided ONE solution to the problem. A solution that they truly never thought of or perhaps even wanted. 2. Anger: Parties dissatisfied may be more inclined to want to simply go to court and move into a more litigious direction. 3. Goal: If your goal is to co-parent, you do not want to be constantly involved in conflict. Relational Approach: Unlike the power and transactional approaches, the relational offers a neutral, nonthreatening environment in which parents can work through the problems of the day. If you are not being threatened you will feel more open to engage. The relational approach wants you to be in control of the process. The relational approach points you in the direction which will allow you talk through the issues with your child’s other parent. To understand the relational approach you have to understand what is called “the pain cycle.” Pain Cycle: Divorce or separation is by its very definition, the end of a relation. Where the relation between spouses ends, the relation between co-parents continues. Transitioning may be extremely difficult. Divorce carries with it the pain of the break up, in addition to perhaps anger and lack of trust – emotions that divide the parties and prevents future communication.

Divorce Handbook

The problem in divorce is that there are many decisions that parents need to make. Some of the questions that need to be answered: 1. How are we going to talk to the kids about the divorce? 2. How are we going to afford this divorce? 3. How are we going to divorce â&#x20AC;&#x201C;do we need to litigate or mediate? The relational model then empowers parents, moving them from the pain cycle to a position of strength. Its Your Day mediations is a process that encourages parents to become engaged in the divorce process. This handbook is designed to help you, at the privacy of your home, build the relational tools necessary to succeed at the mediation table.

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

WORKSHEETS (x)

Should I Stay, or Should I go?

()

Immediate Needs

()

Your Emotional Journal

()

Goals for Mediation

()

Its Your Day - Testing

()

Relational Assessment

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

You DON'T Want to Be Divorced? A Discernment Counselor may need to be called if your having trouble trying to reconcile your marriage.

You Want to be Divorce? Go the next Page

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

WORKSHEETS Should I Stay, or Should I go? x

Immediate Needs Journal Goals

AM I READY TO BE ONLINE PROPERTIES: DIVORCED?? PORTFOLIO/WEBSITE/BLOG FINANCIAL NEEDS

EXPENSE

Rent\Mortgage Food Utilities Gas Day Care Phone Cable Car Payment Car Insurance

$__________ $__________

Property Taxes Estimated Taxes

TOTAL RESOURCES WAGE INCOME ADDITIONAL INCOME RECEIVED CHILD SUPPORT/ALIMONY ANTICIPATED

$___________

$__________ $__________ $___________

$__________ $__________ $___________ $___________ $___________ $___________

EXPENSE $________ Dear EXPENSE,

INCOME

$_______

NET = ____________

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

WORKSHEETS Should I Stay, or Should I go? Immediate Needs x

Journal Goals

MAKING AN EMOJI JOURNAL

Pick Three Emoji's the Describe Your Day

Describing how your exactly feeling can be difficult during the divorce process. Each day pick three emoji's that best describe you day. Write a daily journal about your emoji's. Most importantly go back and read your emoji history. What emotions changed? Why?

MAKING AN EMOJI JOURNAL

Pick Three Emoji's the Describe Your Day

_______________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

WORKSHEETS Should I Stay, or Should I go? Immediate Needs Journal Goals

Goals

WHAT

Its good to have a goal when headed into mediation. The goal has little to do with the outcome and more to do with the way you and your child’s other parent interact. You may have shared goals walking into the mediation. That’s perfect. That will mean that you are aligned to resolve your differences based on a common cause. For some, the goal could be to reach an agreement so both parents can co-parent their child. For other’s the goals are more basic. They include: Being Honest Being Respected Being Heard

ARE YOUR GOALS? 1.___________________________

2. __________________________

3.___________________________

4. __________________________

5.___________________________

ITS YOUR DAY MEDIATION

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

WORKSHEETS Should I Stay, or Should I go? Immediate Needs Journal Goals

Testing â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Your Day Conflict Assessment As individuals we handle conflict differently. The way we resolve conflict changes based upon the issues confronting us.

The question is how will you resolve conflict in your divorce? The TKI is a test that assesses conflict.

To Take the Test https://www.discoveryourpersonality.com/tki.html#

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

WORKSHEETS Should I Stay, or Should I go? Immediate Needs Journal Goals

"ITS YOUR DAY"

RELATIONAL ASSESSMENT What is your current conflict? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Why do you feel that your conflict continues on and on? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

Be responsible: What are you doing that is keeping this conflict alive? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ What would it take for this conflict to end? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ What are the things you want your spouse to say (or do) before this conflict is ended? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

What is your spouse doing to continue the conflict? What benefits do you think he or she is receiving to keep the conflict alive? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ What would it take for you to away from your spouse to walk away conflict? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ What would your spouse need so this conflict would be over? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

QUALITY OF LIFE How is your child being affected by your divorce? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ What are some ideas you have to effect the quality of life for your child? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ What is your hope for your child after your divorce? ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________

DIVORCE HANDBOOK

ADDITIONAL WORKSHEETS

Journal

MAKING AN EMOJI JOURNAL

Pick Three Emoji's the Describe Your Day

Its Your Day A Divorce Handbook

MATT SOSSI 16607 BLANCO #1306 SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS 78232 1-210-224-1667 MATTSOSSI@BSOSSI.COM